Dangerballs Life Hacks

07/20/2011 · 89 comments

in Social Services, What Is Wrong With You?

If any of the following tips prove useful to you, go fuck yourself.

  • Hack: Put items away immediately after use. It takes a lot less effort than cleaning up piles of stuff later on.
  • Noa Says: Golly goddamn! Never thought of that. My life is going to be so much simpler with no dildos and butcher knives underfoot! Are there really people above the age of 4 who use something in their own homes and then just drop it immediately, wherever they are, when they are done with it? Jesus Christ on a bicycle.
  • Hack: Wash towels less often. They don’t need laundering on a daily basis; you’re clean when you use them, after all!
  • Noa Says: If you wash your towels every mother fucking day, then fuck your grandmother with a firehose. What kind of ass-funk do you have that this is necessary? “Oh this touched my ass once IT MUST BE DESTROYED.”
  • Hack: If you start a new hobby, drop an out-of-favor one (along with its equipment and supplies).
  • Noa Says: Now that I’m into watercolor, I’ll be able to toss out those ball gags to free up space! WOOHOO! Dear God, I think I just described the death of Bob Ross there.
  • Hack: Use multi-purpose products (like a shampoo/body wash, or moisturizer plus sunscreen) to save time and eliminate bathroom clutter.
  • Noa Says: Or, save more time, just slap your snatch with Lysol and rub it all over your counter–then two things get clean! OR, you could shake up a bottle of boiling water and OxyClean, and when it explodes, you’re all set! It’s a cleanliness alarm clock!
  • Hack: Shop with a grocery list. You’ll avoid making extra trips for forgotten items.
  • Noa Says: THANK GOD. No more will I spin wildly through the aisles, maiming woman and child alike, in search of Basil Pesto Pasta Roni. Saved my fucking life, you did.

This shit is fucking ridiculous.

Are you so lost in your everyday life that the concept of a grocery list is foreign and extremely helpful for you? When a notepad changes your whole world, it’s time to examine your life and your choices, ma’am. I could blow your fucking feeble mind with an accordion file.

Fuck this shametrain. Dangerballs is here.

  • Molotov cocktails are a quick and easy way to have your demands heard at your job! All it takes is an old water bottle, a little Svedka, and some charm.
  • To keep your housecleaning time to a minimum, become a hobo. No house, no household drudgery!
  • Has your dating life become a little stagnant? Don’t be an incorrigible bitch. Win-Win!
  • Want to eliminate clutter from your daily life? Set your house on fire. Whatever you can remove from your home before you die a horrible, flame-y death is all you really need.
  • In the old days, kids who lived were made into laborers. Help your kids learn self-reliance, history, and ingenuity (while freeing up some Me-and-The-Bottle time) by putting their asses to work.
  • Overwhelmed by your collection? Then throw it the fuck away. You’re like a serial killer with all those weird cherub statues–no one likes them but you. Space saver!
  • It’s hard to wake up some days. To streamline your morning routine, sleep in the shower and set a timer on the faucet. Nothing says, “Wake the fuck up, you lazy whore!” like a shitstorm of icy daggerwater.
  • Floors don’t clean themselves you know. Make this problem disappear by spraying a little pledge on your cats, then dragging them around your home on a leash/pole attachment. It’s bonding time with free dust mopping! (Kittens are great for dusting furniture.)
  • Eat Centrum Vitamins for all three meals, and really hold them to the bluff that it provides all your daily nutritional requirements. You’ll be amazed how much time you save and how heroin-chic you look. Is that Kate Moss? No–it’s your dumb ass!
  • Have a strange addiction? Well, stop fucking doing that shit. Really, who eats Comet?

Did I miss any Dangerballs Life Hacks? Have you heard of any legit hacks that were just fucking awful?

Guess what, bitches? I’m one of the Keynote Speakers in Humor for BlogHer’s Voices Of The Year! FUCK YES. My friend Liz of Flourish in Progress nominated me (because she’s awesome and a Humor VOTY Finalist for her F.U.C.K. Post) (also, thanks, Liz!)

Also, I have a store now. These announcements are unrelated.

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Angie H: “I learned (by learned I mean discovered again after a full fucking year of avoiding it) that one of my girlfriends can throw back booze like a pro and can hang with the best of them until she gets to the bathroom. Once there, she becomes dead weight generally found laying on the floor of a toilet stall crying because she can’t pee and would like to vomit. This is the conversation that occurred when I became worried and went in to check on her: “Get off the fucking floor. I am serious. The attendant just reported you. Get up. No you don’t have heat stroke. Get the fuck up now. I don’t care. Get on the toilet. I brought you ice water. Don’t set it under the stall wall. People are pissing over there. I MEAN IT GET OFF THE FLOOR BEFORE THE COPS COME.” I learned that I’m mean to drunks AND nice enough to prevent them from being violated in jail.”

 

Lilscorpiosweet July 20, 2011 at 1:17 am

I about pissed myself reading this. OMGAWD.. lol the one that killed me, was putting pledge on the cats and dragging them around on a leash/pole thing to do the dusting.

Oh and the other one: In the old days, kids who lived were made into laborers. Help your kids learn self-reliance, history, and ingenuity (while freeing up some Me-and-The-Bottle time) by putting their asses to work.

My friends and I were just talking about this.. talk about coincidental I think it should be a trending topic.
Lilscorpiosweet recently posted..The horrible things I did as kid

Noa July 20, 2011 at 6:19 pm

Glad you enjoyed! And yeah, kids are getting off too easily these days. Put those bastards to work.

Miss Sassy Pants July 20, 2011 at 2:59 am

I eat comet.
Miss Sassy Pants recently posted..This post is NOT about alcohol. I swear.

Noa July 20, 2011 at 6:20 pm

Don’t. It’s totally bad for you.

Noa July 20, 2011 at 6:21 pm

Unless you mean you ate the dog from Full House. Then, keep on.

Fred Miller July 20, 2011 at 4:59 am

I’m not proud of this, but if you were to slather your Lysol-covered snatch all over my counters, you would clean my kitchen and satisfy me sexually at the same time. Just a fact. Something your readers should know.
Fred Miller recently posted..Revenge of the karate gods

Noa July 20, 2011 at 6:22 pm

I suppose I should be shocked and offended, but I’m not. Disturbingly, I’m not.

Fred Miller July 20, 2011 at 5:02 am

I honestly do this. I buy Everclear instead of vodka. It is twice the strength. Takes up half the room and takes half the time to pour a shot. I AM proud of that.
Fred Miller recently posted..Revenge of the karate gods

Noa July 20, 2011 at 6:23 pm

Is this in reference to the molotov cocktails or the sexual gratification? You’re blurring a lot of lines here.

Sara July 20, 2011 at 7:48 am

Love this list! Although, some people DO need the shopping list advice: I lived with a girl who seemed to have never discovered the concept of shopping lists…and would come back from the store not having remembered key items over and over again but with one or two random things, and when I suggested making a shopping list, she said she PREFERRED just wandering down every aisle in the store.

Noa July 20, 2011 at 6:25 pm

I, admittedly, will forget at least one item and I never leave home without a list. However, this woman is a fucking nuisance. They’re so easy to spot, staring bewildered at the lasagna noodles while standing in the middle of the damn aisle. They also leave with ankle bruises thanks to me!

Jaclyn July 20, 2011 at 8:36 am

I’ve found that having a dog and a one year old makes vacuuming almost completely unnecessary. I mean sure your vagina is stretched out and sometimes the dog shits on the floor and the baby tries to eat it, but hey- NO VACUUMING!
Jaclyn recently posted..Damn it Feels Good

Noa July 20, 2011 at 6:25 pm

The good news is that your dog and your baby will each react favorably to being swatted with a newspaper.

Angie H July 20, 2011 at 9:32 am

Just a heads up… don’t ask your granny to do the Lysol/cooch/countertop time saver. Chances are Granny used to actually use Lysol for douching and you really don’t want Grandma’s junk sliding all over your counters (or ANYTHING).
Angie H recently posted..Today I learned why strippers move like they do…

Noa July 20, 2011 at 6:27 pm

HRRRCKKK.

Gross. True, but quite gross. But lemon fresh.

Morgan July 20, 2011 at 9:35 am

Actually, I prefer to dip my cats in bleach, and then use a laser pointer to encourage self propelled floor cleaning. That attaching them to a pole nonsense is far too much work, when I could be sitting in a chair with the laser, watching them dive and slide across the floor by themsleves. And as an added bonus, the bleach disinfects the floors AND makes the cats a nice shade of blonde, so really it’s a win win.
Morgan recently posted..Most Awesome Animal Day Ever at the Lazy 5 Ranch

Noa July 20, 2011 at 6:29 pm

That’s so much faster. You disinfect the cats and the floors at the same time. Ever thought about being a lifehacker?

Johi July 20, 2011 at 9:44 am

OMG! People actually write down the groceries that need to be purchased??? How did I miss that? What is next? Is someone going to tell me to do something like cut my bread into flat pieces rather than gnaw it off the loaf like I always have? Sheesh! You crazy kids and your newfangled methods. Next you are going to tell me that women should vote or something.
Johi recently posted..Why We Should Never Live in Town

Noa July 20, 2011 at 6:31 pm

Can I blow your fucking mind for a second? They have iPhone apps for that shit. I’m sure I changed your life.

Joie July 20, 2011 at 10:08 am

I like the Lysol/vagizzle idea.

I wonder if this could somehow be used to collect dust bunnies as well. I mean, they say use a wet rubber glove…why not use a Lysol’d VaGiner?

Noa July 20, 2011 at 6:32 pm

The flexibility requirements necessary for this are typically too much.

Joie July 20, 2011 at 10:12 am

Morgan, I honestly dig your idea of the Bleached Kitty Cleaner. My cats have a really strange obsession with the smell of bleach, so I don’t think they would mind at all.

Although, they tend to pee wherever that bleach smell is.

This may not work out for my household.

Noa July 20, 2011 at 6:34 pm

You can always use antibacterial windex. That shit makes your house smell like candy.

Mrs. Papagiorgio July 20, 2011 at 10:17 am

“Are there really people above the age of 4 who use something in their own homes and then just drop it immediately, wherever they are, when they are done with it?”

Yes. Yes, there are. Most recently, this happened with a watermelon. Taste like shit? Fine, you’ll stay on the coffee table. (I promise I don’t live in filth. 98% of the time.)

A hearty congratulations on being one of the keynote speakers! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to try your Molotov cocktail hack.

Noa July 20, 2011 at 6:36 pm

Wasn’t Mr. P the one who also left one black sock on the top of the stairs for, I don’t know, 4-5 weeks? I like his methods.

Also, thanks for the congrats!

Jessica July 20, 2011 at 10:22 am

Did you know on the scrubbing bubbles automatic shower cleaner thingy it clearly states “This is NOT a body wash”. I really wish I was around when the person who tried that called in to complain.
The Lysol wipes idea can’t be all that bad, if it sterilizes counters it may just sterilize you too. Lemony fresh vagina and no babies- that’s win win right there.
Jessica recently posted..Starving.

Noa July 20, 2011 at 6:38 pm

I would have LOVED to work at Scrubbing Bubbles Customer Care the weeks after the release of that product. “Horrible rash? Infectious scarring? You know this is a caustic household cleaner, right, son?”

And I’m off to wash with lysol wipes!

Jessica July 21, 2011 at 3:09 pm

There was a book at a job I had in high school of customer complaints and what not. One guy called to complain that our pound cake tasted awful. We did not sell pound cake, however we did just introduce our new pound cake candle. You would think if not after a bite of it you would at least notice the wick in the middle. Also, a lady called to tell us that she loved the douches we sold and, get this, they worked great on getting out oil stains in the garage. How you figure this out I do not want to know.

Noa July 21, 2011 at 5:40 pm

The only question I have is that if this douche were so good at getting out oil stains, then why do you want that in your twat?

Jessica July 21, 2011 at 8:06 pm

I guess if you’re really OCD or have a weird car fetish it could be useful. But those are both things I don’t want to think too hard about. When she called we all started asking each other these questions then realized we didn’t want to know, some things you can’t unthink.

Noa July 22, 2011 at 12:24 am

You have good judgment.

Tans July 20, 2011 at 10:22 am

“Shop with a grocery list. You’ll avoid making extra trips for forgotten items. ”

I’m calling bullshit on this one. No matter how much I write on the list, I’ll ultimately stray, assume that I have everything because the cart is full and end up stopping by the same store on my way home from work the following day. Guaranteed. I just did the grocery shopping on Sunday, and I managed to forget THE ENTIRE FROZEN FOOD SECTION of the store. That takes a special kind of stupid, right there. Especially since my meals when Fireboy works consist entirely of frozen food.

I’m not proud. I’m not proud.
Tans recently posted..Monday is on my Shit List

Noa July 20, 2011 at 6:40 pm

You, like me, need to learn the double-tap. Not the killing zombie kind, the “I’m a jackass kind.”

When you think you’re done, check your list. Chances are, you’re not even fucking close.

Andi July 20, 2011 at 10:42 am

I absolutely put my kids to work, except when it’s more effort to put them to work. Oh, you know what I mean. Also, on the stupid advice list:

1) Don’t dust vertical surfaces unless you can see dirt. Really? I regularly dust the whole house, including the ceiling. I have special kittens on sticks for that job. Seriously, who has that kind of time? I don’t even clean horizontal surfaces unless I’m sticking to them.

2) Alphabetize your spice rack so you can find the spices you need. I guess that could work, but the only spices I need are: taco mix, poultry seasoning, cinnamon sugar and vanilla extract. I don’t even know what the rest of that shizz is for. I think it came with the house.

3) Clean in the nude, then you can just jump in the shower afterwards. Easy clean-up! Yeah, because I want Lysol rash all over my body. Sex-ay.

4) Only handle each piece of mail once. That would mean I pick up the bills, open them, then have to throw them away because I’d have to PUT THEM DOWN to write a check. How is this good advice?

People who give advice should be forced to follow it. Preferably at gunpoint.
Andi recently posted..How to Win Friends and Shank People, and NOT Sew Knit Skirts

Noa July 20, 2011 at 6:44 pm

Funny you mention spices. It took me several weeks of living with my spices in a drawer in my new place and pulling them all out of the drawer every time I needed pepper (thanks McCormick!) before Adrian labeled them all on the lid with a sharpie. I am a jackass.

Also, I will never clean in the nude because OW GODDAMNIT.

Jessica July 20, 2011 at 10:43 am

I love Pledge, if it gets on the hardwood floor “accidentally” in a high traffic area, it makes dogs and people in socks fall down. Also, if you polish a metal playground slide with it, you can launch your children into the next county. Good times.

Noa July 20, 2011 at 6:47 pm

Sorry, I can’t stop imagining my sister as a child, spraying pledge on a slide and hoping to send my ass to outer space.

She was so wonderful.

Grace July 24, 2011 at 7:08 pm

I totally read Jessica’s comment and thought, “Wow! I should’ve tried that with Noa.” Then I scrolled down to read your reply. Priceless.

Bethany July 20, 2011 at 12:08 pm

I *just* wrote about my failure at making shopping lists, and suggested that I take a refresher course on it… so since you addressed this here, does that mean that I owe you money now?

Also, cats are totally multipurpose. A little double sided tape on the front paws and some papertowels wrapped around the back ones, and ya know what you’ve got? Clean windows, that’s what. Laser pointer + comet + a sneaky push = clean toilet. Seriously, if it weren’t for the whole disgusting litterbox thing, cats would be totally useful.
Bethany recently posted..Grown-ups have gameplans. I win.

Noa July 20, 2011 at 6:48 pm

I am imagining you on a late night infomercial talking about how your new kit makes your cat less of a useless asshole and more of a contributor. And I would buy. That last paragraph was pretty persuasive.

Who Me??? July 20, 2011 at 12:11 pm

You write the things I think and am too chicken to say out loud!

Noa July 20, 2011 at 6:49 pm

Ah, it’s so much more fun when you say them.

Casey July 20, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Jesus Christ on a motherfucking bicycle. Holy shitballs that was funny!

This post was so hilarious that it threw me into a fit of giggles several times.

Keep ‘em coming, Dangerballs.

Noa July 20, 2011 at 6:49 pm

Anytime, Case-o-balls.

That’s your new nickname. YOU’RE WELCOME.

Casey July 22, 2011 at 12:40 pm

best.nickname.ever.

Appreciated.

Jennifer July 20, 2011 at 1:28 pm

Every day I walk in the door holding a bunch of stuff and the second I’m in the house all my stuff magically disappears. It works for me. You know how people waste time doing crossword puzzles to prevent the dementia? Instead, every morning I play “Find the Mother Fucking Car Keys”.

Noa July 20, 2011 at 6:51 pm

That’s a fun game. Adrian likes to play that, too, only it’s “I know I live in this home with you and that you are OCD so everything immediately goes back into it’s original place immediately upon disuse, but where the fuck is everything we have ever owned ever?”

It’s fantastic.

Rairy July 20, 2011 at 2:15 pm

It is completely your fault my mgr sent an email this afternoon reminding us that office etiquette includes a quiet workplace and please would we pay more attention to our volume.

Noa July 20, 2011 at 6:52 pm

Sounds like someone needs a Molotov Cocktail.

Gabryyl July 20, 2011 at 2:20 pm

Thank god I read this while on the toilet or I really would have pisses myself. Hysterical!

Noa July 20, 2011 at 6:52 pm

I’m glad your pissbreak was so entertaining today!

Jillian July 20, 2011 at 6:18 pm

I like Gabryyl’s idea…it’s a new hack involving those camping toilets you researched earlier, Noa. Although it may seeeeeeeem more appropriate to have a separate room for bodily excrement, the real secret is just to carry a portable toilet around with you wherever you go!! If anything funny or scary happens, or the ten previous shots of vodka catch up to you, there is simply no inconvenience!

On a completely separate note, I wrote my post about grocery stores before I read your post today. I actually approve of your plan to eat only Centrum Vitamins. I think, after hints of picking out my own coffin, I could win a law suit against them and afford a personal chef, thereby eliminating all future trips to that satanic land of boxes and plastic wrap. You. Are. Brilliant.
Jillian recently posted..Stockedshelvesaphobia, or, Why I Hate Grocery Stores

Noa July 20, 2011 at 6:55 pm

Ah, BRILLIANT! But I think the colostomy bag market has a pretty good handhold on that. Or butthold.

You could always go on my diet: pizza at least 6 times a week, baked potatoes the rest of the time. No one will fuck with you when you steal a potato because that shit HURTS to get smacked with as the thief is sprinting away.

thepsychobabble July 20, 2011 at 7:55 pm

The saddest part is how much I could actually benefit from these tips. Except the towel one. That one’s just ridiculous.
thepsychobabble recently posted..2 Minute Post

Noa July 21, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Then I have hilariously altered your life. Mission accomplished.

Rachael July 20, 2011 at 9:27 pm

I make a grocery list and it still takes me two fucking hours to go to the store because my boyfriend really, really likes looking at ALL THE THINGS. And then deciding which of the things would make the best bludgeon, and which would make the most satisfying thwacking noise if you smacked someone with it. The fish usually win that one.

I think the really important thing is to have a grocery list AND not go to the store when you’re hungry because if you do that you’ll stare at everything because (a) you’ll have no idea what you’re there for and (b) you’ll be fucking starving so it’ll be delicious. Though if you’re a little kid, tricking your parents into taking you into the store when they’re hungry gets you the most bitchin’ snacks.
Rachael recently posted..Horrible Medical Advice of the Week: The Bible’s Got Your Answers

Noa July 21, 2011 at 5:42 pm

And that’s why Adrian doesn’t shop with me. Even better is when he goes shopping without me, with a list from me, and texts me each item that he would like that is not on the list. Thanks Adrian!

Rachael July 22, 2011 at 10:34 am

See, I generally get concerned because Mike will often go to the store and say something like “I’m gonna pick up some milk” and then do what I described above. And a few hours later I’ll notice how long it’s been and OMIGODDIDHEGETHITBYACARISHEDEADAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Rachael recently posted..Drinking and Blogging. How could this POSSIBLY go wrong?

Noa July 22, 2011 at 9:20 pm

This has nothing to do with this, but on the first read-through of this comment, I could have sworn you said something about Vanilla Ice. And then I thought, “Why the fuck is Rachael’s boyfriend shopping for milk with Vanilla Ice?” And then I realized it was just my imagination, and I was sad.

Tazer WP July 21, 2011 at 12:02 am

Grocery lists are for amateurs. Haven’t you ever seen Grocery Sweep?

I like to just run through the store, screaming bloody murder, and see how many relevant things I can pile in my cart before I get kicked out. Preferably in costume.
Tazer WP recently posted..How to appear “suspicious” to cops

Noa July 21, 2011 at 5:44 pm

Grocery Sweep? Is that a wonderful foreign version of Supermarket Sweep? Because that’s how I shop with my sister. And it’s awesome.

Tazer WP July 21, 2011 at 9:58 pm

No that’s drinking myself into an ungodly stupor and forgetting what I was supposed to write, so *insert close enough word here*…. Supermarket Sweep is correct!
Tazer WP recently posted..How to appear “suspicious” to cops

Noa July 22, 2011 at 12:25 am

I was so sad to hear that Grocery Sweep was not like the Thai Equivalent of Supermarket Sweep with more noodles.

elizabeth- flourish in progress July 21, 2011 at 12:15 am

I don’t think I’ve ever asked you this before. Maybe I have and your answer didn’t satisfy me. Sorry I just blamed my poor memory on you. So, I gotta know- how the hell do you come up with this stuff?

SHAMETRAIN?

Come on, Noa, I think it’s about time you just fucking admitted it. You’re a goddamn genius. Own it. Be loud. Be proud.

Thanks for the shout out! xo
elizabeth- flourish in progress recently posted..f.u.c.k.

Noa July 21, 2011 at 5:45 pm

Thanks for the nomination, yo.

Also, it’s just all the Hydrocodone. There is no genius, just prescription drugs.

wagthedad July 21, 2011 at 9:11 am

Dear Noah,

So I took your advice on the Lysol thing, only I don’t have a snatch so I had to use my male genitalia and anyway, now my daughter refuses to eat ANYTHING made on the kitchen counter and we’ve had to buy one of those twatwaffle rolling counters, only we don’t have enough space in our kitchen to put that in so now we have to remodel the kitchen by blowing out the wall to the living room and I really don’t like that whole living room-connected kitchen thing because then where do you put the meth lab without making the couch stink?

Also, I bumped the lighter on the gas stove whilst cleaning, and I have to not that you ALSO failed to mention that Lysol is FLAMMABLE, so now remember that vasectomy I was thinking about getting? No need for that.

So rather than write some kind of legal bitchy letter about liability, I will just send you the bill in this form:

New Twatwaffle Rolling Kitchen Counter…….$ 232.32
Blowing Out Wall……………………………………..$ 2,672.54
Moving Meth Lab to Basement……………………$ 100.00
Vasectomy………………………………………………$ 1,500.00 –

Total You Owe Me, I take Paypal………………..$ 1,504.86

Thanks in advance
Best Regards
Wag the Dad

Noa July 21, 2011 at 5:46 pm

I think it’s pretty sweet that I don’t have to pay you for knocking down a damn wall, or your kitchen counter, or even your meth lab. Just your ballectomy plus tax (you’re in Europe, bitch, your tax calculation is off.)

All told, YOU’RE WELCOME.

wagthedad July 22, 2011 at 4:38 am

Tax is 20% here. So that comes to $50,252.33 now.

Also emotional anguish. They only pay about $5 for that here, but they do pay for it.

THANKS FOR THE NUB.

Noa July 22, 2011 at 9:21 pm

MOTHER. FUCKER.

wagthedad July 21, 2011 at 9:11 am

Also, could you please elaborate on this Grocery List thing?

Noa July 21, 2011 at 5:47 pm

They’re unavailable in Austria.

wagthedad July 21, 2011 at 9:12 am

And now I just realized that I spelled your fucking name wrong. I am suck an ideot. Please edit that for correctomoly.

Noa July 21, 2011 at 5:47 pm

Erase the bill, I’ll change my name. Blackmail, motherfucker.

nadine July 21, 2011 at 12:21 pm

my ex thought you *never* needed to wash towels. ever. since you were always clean when you touched them, they would always stay clean until the end of time forever and ever amen baby jesus.

a few years ago i tried watching the martha stewart show, and it just made me feel bad about my life and dirty. i’m glad i gave that shit up and just douche with Pine Sol now and just queef all over the place when it’s looking a little dingy.
nadine recently posted..This One’s for the Curls

Noa July 21, 2011 at 5:48 pm

I can’t stop laughing at the image of you queefing magic on your furniture and making it shine. I texted this to Adrian (who just thought I was fucking weird), but it’s still awesome.

nadine July 21, 2011 at 6:20 pm

man if i had a nickel for everytime I was told “don’t text me about queefs…”
nadine recently posted..This One’s for the Curls

Noa July 22, 2011 at 12:25 am

And Adrian’s getting a new text.

emmysuh July 21, 2011 at 1:56 pm

UM, Bob Ross painted with acrylics, THANKS.
emmysuh recently posted..The Best Part is Where I Say FIDDLE-FADDLE.

Noa July 21, 2011 at 5:49 pm

FUCK. Called me on it.

ColinP July 22, 2011 at 3:18 pm

Bob was only about the happy little (fucking) clouds.
ColinP recently posted..Brooklyn’s Finest?

Noa July 22, 2011 at 9:22 pm

I’m so sad now.

ColinP July 26, 2011 at 3:45 pm

Well I think Bob wouldn’t care to much about what kind of paint the clouds were, just that they were there and happy.
ColinP recently posted..Brooklyn’s Finest?

Nadine July 21, 2011 at 3:22 pm

“Fuck your grandma with a firehose”

Just about the funniest thing I have read all year. It’s like you are a twisted literary equivelent to Fitzgerald. (only without the alcoholism and mood swings)
Nadine recently posted..MOJITOS IN THE SUN

Noa July 21, 2011 at 5:49 pm

That was an amazing compliment that stemmed from what I imagine is the most horrible way to die.

Cluefull July 22, 2011 at 4:16 pm

I used to belong to a forum with a woman for whom those original tips would be advanced knowledge. She couldn’t figure out how to get time to fold her laundry or floss her teeth and would ask for basic instructions for every day tasks, but then always had grand project ideas for composting or house-clearing.

Noa July 22, 2011 at 9:24 pm

I know a person just like that and there’s nothing more infuriating than having to continually explain basic things to them. I can only imagine your fury at having to do so through the internet. At least I get to slap the fuck out of this person in real life.

Cluefull July 23, 2011 at 4:14 am

If you did point out the simple answer (e.g., only start what you can finish) she would feel terribly maligned and other posters would accuse you of being a “mean girl”. Ugh. And why are those people who can’t manage their own shit also the same ones who are always running around doing things for other people? Actually, I know the answer to that one, it is for the appreciation, when you do things for your family, i.e., your job, you don’t get people telling you how wonderful you are on the internet. Also, doing things for others can be a distraction from the train wreck at home.

hoodyhoo July 25, 2011 at 7:12 am

Your grandma touched my ass once. Now she won’t get in the washer. What should I do?
hoodyhoo recently posted..Chow Down, Bitches!

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