If any of the following tips prove useful to you, go fuck yourself.
- Hack: Put items away immediately after use. It takes a lot less effort than cleaning up piles of stuff later on.
- Noa Says: Golly goddamn! Never thought of that. My life is going to be so much simpler with no dildos and butcher knives underfoot! Are there really people above the age of 4 who use something in their own homes and then just drop it immediately, wherever they are, when they are done with it? Jesus Christ on a bicycle.
- Hack: Wash towels less often. They don’t need laundering on a daily basis; you’re clean when you use them, after all!
- Noa Says: If you wash your towels every mother fucking day, then fuck your grandmother with a firehose. What kind of ass-funk do you have that this is necessary? “Oh this touched my ass once IT MUST BE DESTROYED.”
- Hack: If you start a new hobby, drop an out-of-favor one (along with its equipment and supplies).
- Noa Says: Now that I’m into watercolor, I’ll be able to toss out those ball gags to free up space! WOOHOO! Dear God, I think I just described the death of Bob Ross there.
- Hack: Use multi-purpose products (like a shampoo/body wash, or moisturizer plus sunscreen) to save time and eliminate bathroom clutter.
- Noa Says: Or, save more time, just slap your snatch with Lysol and rub it all over your counter–then two things get clean! OR, you could shake up a bottle of boiling water and OxyClean, and when it explodes, you’re all set! It’s a cleanliness alarm clock!
- Hack: Shop with a grocery list. You’ll avoid making extra trips for forgotten items.
- Noa Says: THANK GOD. No more will I spin wildly through the aisles, maiming woman and child alike, in search of Basil Pesto Pasta Roni. Saved my fucking life, you did.
This shit is fucking ridiculous.
Are you so lost in your everyday life that the concept of a grocery list is foreign and extremely helpful for you? When a notepad changes your whole world, it’s time to examine your life and your choices, ma’am. I could blow your fucking feeble mind with an accordion file.
Fuck this shametrain. Dangerballs is here.
- Molotov cocktails are a quick and easy way to have your demands heard at your job! All it takes is an old water bottle, a little Svedka, and some charm.
- To keep your housecleaning time to a minimum, become a hobo. No house, no household drudgery!
- Has your dating life become a little stagnant? Don’t be an incorrigible bitch. Win-Win!
- Want to eliminate clutter from your daily life? Set your house on fire. Whatever you can remove from your home before you die a horrible, flame-y death is all you really need.
- In the old days, kids who lived were made into laborers. Help your kids learn self-reliance, history, and ingenuity (while freeing up some Me-and-The-Bottle time) by putting their asses to work.
- Overwhelmed by your collection? Then throw it the fuck away. You’re like a serial killer with all those weird cherub statues–no one likes them but you. Space saver!
- It’s hard to wake up some days. To streamline your morning routine, sleep in the shower and set a timer on the faucet. Nothing says, “Wake the fuck up, you lazy whore!” like a shitstorm of icy daggerwater.
- Floors don’t clean themselves you know. Make this problem disappear by spraying a little pledge on your cats, then dragging them around your home on a leash/pole attachment. It’s bonding time with free dust mopping! (Kittens are great for dusting furniture.)
- Eat Centrum Vitamins for all three meals, and really hold them to the bluff that it provides all your daily nutritional requirements. You’ll be amazed how much time you save and how heroin-chic you look. Is that Kate Moss? No–it’s your dumb ass!
- Have a strange addiction? Well, stop fucking doing that shit. Really, who eats Comet?
Did I miss any Dangerballs Life Hacks? Have you heard of any legit hacks that were just fucking awful?
Guess what, bitches? I’m one of the Keynote Speakers in Humor for BlogHer’s Voices Of The Year! FUCK YES. My friend Liz of Flourish in Progress nominated me (because she’s awesome and a Humor VOTY Finalist for her F.U.C.K. Post) (also, thanks, Liz!)
Also, I have a store now. These announcements are unrelated.
—Favorite Comment From The Last Post: From Angie H: “I learned (by learned I mean discovered again after a full fucking year of avoiding it) that one of my girlfriends can throw back booze like a pro and can hang with the best of them until she gets to the bathroom. Once there, she becomes dead weight generally found laying on the floor of a toilet stall crying because she can’t pee and would like to vomit. This is the conversation that occurred when I became worried and went in to check on her: “Get off the fucking floor. I am serious. The attendant just reported you. Get up. No you don’t have heat stroke. Get the fuck up now. I don’t care. Get on the toilet. I brought you ice water. Don’t set it under the stall wall. People are pissing over there. I MEAN IT GET OFF THE FLOOR BEFORE THE COPS COME.” I learned that I’m mean to drunks AND nice enough to prevent them from being violated in jail.”