In any given day, I will wish death upon at least 45 different people, whether I actually leave my house or not.
Don’t use your blinker? Looks like someone wants to die today.
Did you fake laugh me instead of just letting the joke die? Fuck you with a shoehorn.
Are you currently a member of the US Congress? Suck my dick. It’s probably a better use of your time.
However, there are a few Cardinal Sins that should condemn you to the fieriest of fiery rooms of hell filled with nothing but soccer moms singing the karaoke version of, “Why Can’t We Be Lovers,” by Michael Bolton on Margarita Wednesdays while you’re forced to sexually gratify a howler monkey.
5. Lack of Chair Courtesy
- Not Pushing In Your Chair: It’s basically fucking saying, “I give so little shit for everyone else that I cannot even be bothered to exert myself for 1/2 a second. Walk around, motherfucker.” Whether it’s at a restaurant or in my own home, if you don’t push it in, my immediate and swift reaction is to place it in your way, hopefully in a manner in which it will connect with your shins. I hope you break your fucking face.
- Kicking My Chair: It’s totally awesome when you bitch about how close the seats are to you, or my personal favorite, you just use it as a footrest while my head is currently on it. Nothing jazzes up a movie like having my head kicked forward 11,000 times. If you are so blissfully unaware of what your feet are doing at any given point in time, how the fuck do you manage to walk?
- Immediately Laying Your Airplane Seat Back: It’s like watching terrible porn in 3-D. You know it’s going to be awful and that there will be forced touching from assorted crotchmonsters. Hope you wanted even more uncomfortably forced human contact! I’m quite short, so on airplanes, the lovely little headrest turns into a torture device that makes me forcibly stare at my own crotch for the entire flight. AND STILL, I extend the common fucking courtesy of not slamming my shit back into someone else’s dick for the entire flight.
4. Back The Fuck Up
Seriously, bitch; when you park your grocery cart so close to me in the checkout line that it’s physically touching my ass, you asked for me to lay back upon your items as though you were providing respite and pillows of Wondrous Wonderbread. You’re the asshole in this scenario, shoving your cart of sundries up my business while I patiently wait in line.
I cannot stress enough that we’re going to get to the register very soon, and that there is absolutely NO NEED for you to be so close to me that I consider it felony sexual assault–because I will spoon with your ricotta just to make you uncomfortable, ma’am. Don’t fucking test me.
3. Misusing Commonly Agreed-Upon Words
- It’s not Guessture, it’s Gesture. You sound like a whale attempting Japanese.
- Chagrin does not refer to smiling in any way, and also triggers a knee-jerk slapping motion from me.
- Supposably is the closest to punching me in the ear that you can be without punching me in the goddamn ear.
- Irregardless: Punishable by being whipped with firechains. I don’t even know what those are, but they are probably awful.
- Nope, you didn’t mean to say Guesstimate. Because you’re not a 4th grader.
- Expresso is not a tasty drink. Try again, fuckwad!
- “Worth the effort?”
- “Looking at razors.”
- “Will I? Won’t I?”
I Just. Don’t. Care.
I just don’t care about your life enough to comment on your Facebook status as you hope I will. If this weirdly self-directed passive aggressive bullshit is what you’re typically writing, then probably no one you’re friends with cares.
This horrifically narcissistic practice indues such a fireball of rage within the deepest pits of my psyche that you make me question everything I have ever known or wanted to know, because in the wake of your problems (or, rather, cry for goddamn attention) how could I possibly care about anything more?
Either say what you fucking mean, or be entertaining.
1. Using Cliche Wit
But there’s a fine line between being entertaining on social media and asking for an ass-whooping.
- “I don’t skinny dip. I chunky dunk!” AhahahaThis is not fucking funny. It’s never been. Please, like a terminally ill puppy, let it go.
- “When choosing a path in life, try to avoid the psychopaths.” See what you did there? You used a one word and extended it into an unpredictably and slightly ridiculous horrible lump of complete bullshit.
- “Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.” Never heard this one before! A regular old Shakespearian Wordsmith there, eh? Thou art fucking glorious!
- “I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem!” Oh, I get it. It’s because you’re so much cooler than everyone else–they just don’t see things your way. You’re a fantastically shallow asshole.
- “Are you working hard, or hardly working?” I don’t know, how’s your liver feel now that I’ve ripped it free of your abdominal cavity?
- “Don’t talk to me. I haven’t had my coffee yet!” HARDEE-MOTHERFUCKING-HAR.
You don’t need to continue using this overplayed word tomfoolery. There’s all kinds of crazy shit that happens every day around you that you don’t see because you’re Googling good status updates. Why, just today in Hooters, I had a whole assortment of fuckery occur. I had a hostess point at a table for me to sit at without ever moving or using words, I witnessed a grandmother say, “I’m too drunk to hold the baby,” and saw a small child bitchslapping random patrons with a chicken wing. That’s fucking absurd.
I have never seen someone use cliche wit on Twitter and Facebook where I thought it was a hilarious and striking form of self-expression. It’s mostly seen as a cry for never-coming help when you’re trolling around the internet to impress people you most likely don’t know. You’re becoming part of the unfunny machine.
Please, for the love of sweet baby Jesus, stop.
What are your pet peeves?
—Favorite Comment From The Last Post: From Rachael: “Adios, Mofo is highly entertaining. As they say, the enemy of my enemy is my friend (and my enemy is HIPSTERS). However, this is also confusing the hell out of me because it’s the same theme I use and my brain wants to think I’m reading my blog so every couple of seconds I’m like “wait shit, I didn’t write this!” and have to remind myself that I’m reading someone else’s blog. Maybe I should make my own theme. Or take a nap.”