ArchBitch Noa’s Cardinal Sins

07/25/2011 · 193 comments

in I'm A Terrible Person, Social Services, What Is Wrong With You?

In any given day, I will wish death upon at least 45 different people, whether I actually leave my house or not.

Don’t use your blinker? Looks like someone wants to die today.

Did you fake laugh me instead of just letting the joke die? Fuck you with a shoehorn.

Are you currently a member of the US Congress? Suck my dick. It’s probably a better use of your time.

However, there are a few Cardinal Sins that should condemn you to the fieriest of fiery rooms of hell filled with nothing but soccer moms singing the karaoke version of, “Why Can’t We Be Lovers,” by Michael Bolton on Margarita Wednesdays while you’re forced to sexually gratify a howler monkey.

5. Lack of Chair Courtesy

  • Not Pushing In Your Chair: It’s basically fucking saying, “I give so little shit for everyone else that I cannot even be bothered to exert myself for 1/2 a second. Walk around, motherfucker.” Whether it’s at a restaurant or in my own home, if you don’t push it in, my immediate and swift reaction is to place it in your way, hopefully in a manner in which it will connect with your shins. I hope you break your fucking face.
  • Kicking My Chair: It’s totally awesome when you bitch about how close the seats are to you, or my personal favorite, you just use it as a footrest while my head is currently on it. Nothing jazzes up a movie like having my head kicked forward 11,000 times. If you are so blissfully unaware of what your feet are doing at any given point in time, how the fuck do you manage to walk?
  • Immediately Laying Your Airplane Seat Back: It’s like watching terrible porn in 3-D. You know it’s going to be awful and that there will be forced touching from assorted crotchmonsters. Hope you wanted even more uncomfortably forced human contact!  I’m quite short, so on airplanes, the lovely little headrest turns into a torture device that makes me forcibly stare at my own crotch for the entire flight. AND STILL, I extend the common fucking courtesy of not slamming my shit back into someone else’s dick for the entire flight.

4. Back The Fuck Up

Seriously, bitch; when you park your grocery cart so close to me in the checkout line that it’s physically touching my ass, you asked for me to lay back upon your items as though you were providing respite and pillows of Wondrous Wonderbread.  You’re the asshole in this scenario, shoving your cart of sundries up my business while I patiently wait in line.

I cannot stress enough that we’re going to get to the register very soon, and that there is absolutely NO NEED for you to be so close to me that I consider it felony sexual assault–because I will spoon with your ricotta just to make you uncomfortable, ma’am. Don’t fucking test me.

3. Misusing Commonly Agreed-Upon Words

  • It’s not Guessture, it’s Gesture. You sound like a whale attempting Japanese.
  • Chagrin does not refer to smiling in any way, and also triggers a knee-jerk slapping motion from me.
  • Supposably is the closest to punching me in the ear that you can be without punching me in the goddamn ear.
  • Irregardless: Punishable by being whipped with firechains. I don’t even know what those are, but they are probably awful.
  • Nope, you didn’t mean to say Guesstimate. Because you’re not a 4th grader.
  • Expresso is not a tasty drink. Try again, fuckwad!

2. Vaguebooking

  • “Worth the effort?”
  • “Looking at razors.”
  • “Will I? Won’t I?”
  • “Sad.”

I Just. Don’t. Care.

I just don’t care about your life enough to comment on your Facebook status as you hope I will. If this weirdly self-directed passive aggressive bullshit is what you’re typically writing, then probably no one you’re friends with cares.

This horrifically narcissistic practice indues such a fireball of rage within the deepest pits of my psyche that you make me question everything I have ever known or wanted to know, because in the wake of your problems (or, rather, cry for goddamn attention) how could I possibly care about anything more?

Either say what you fucking mean, or be entertaining.

1. Using Cliche Wit

But there’s a fine line between being entertaining on social media and asking for an ass-whooping.

  • “I don’t skinny dip. I chunky dunk!” AhahahaThis is not fucking funny. It’s never been. Please, like a terminally ill puppy, let it go.
  • “When choosing a path in life, try to avoid the psychopaths.” See what you did there? You used a one word and extended it into an unpredictably and slightly ridiculous horrible lump of complete bullshit.
  • “Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.” Never heard this one before! A regular old Shakespearian Wordsmith there, eh? Thou art fucking glorious!
  • “I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem!” Oh, I get it. It’s because you’re so much cooler than everyone else–they just don’t see things your way. You’re a fantastically shallow asshole.
  • “Are you working hard, or hardly working?” I don’t know, how’s your liver feel now that I’ve ripped it free of your abdominal cavity?
  • “Don’t talk to me. I haven’t had my coffee yet!” HARDEE-MOTHERFUCKING-HAR.

You don’t need to continue using this overplayed word tomfoolery. There’s all kinds of crazy shit that happens every day around you that you don’t see because you’re Googling good status updates. Why, just today in Hooters, I had a whole assortment of fuckery occur. I had a hostess point at a table for me to sit at without ever moving or using words, I witnessed a grandmother say, “I’m too drunk to hold the baby,” and saw a small child bitchslapping random patrons with a chicken wing. That’s fucking absurd.

I have never seen someone use cliche wit on Twitter and Facebook where I thought it was a hilarious and striking form of self-expression. It’s mostly seen as a cry for never-coming help when you’re trolling around the internet to impress people you most likely don’t know. You’re becoming part of the unfunny machine.

Please, for the love of sweet baby Jesus, stop.

What are your pet peeves?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Rachael: “Adios, Mofo is highly entertaining. As they say, the enemy of my enemy is my friend (and my enemy is HIPSTERS). However, this is also confusing the hell out of me because it’s the same theme I use and my brain wants to think I’m reading my blog so every couple of seconds I’m like “wait shit, I didn’t write this!” and have to remind myself that I’m reading someone else’s blog. Maybe I should make my own theme. Or take a nap.”


hoodyhoo July 25, 2011 at 7:20 am

Agree, agree, oh sweet baby Jeebus how I agree! I ACTUALLY had to get up from my desk and go pee halfway through this post to avoid ruining (yet another) chair. Shut up, I like hummus. Anyhoo, the best method of the in-your-space standers is one I have often used with great success: You break off whatever conversation you’re having in mid-sentence, whip your head around at the Close-Stander, yell “WHAT? JUST FUCKING WHAT?” at the top of your lungs, and immediately resume your previous activity as though none of this ever happened. Who’s the wacko now, bitch?
hoodyhoo recently posted..Chow Down, Bitches!

Noa July 25, 2011 at 5:30 pm

You remind me of Grace in this moment, who can and does say that particular phrase in several languages to close standers. It’s a bond you now share.

hoodyhoo July 26, 2011 at 6:39 am

You bitches need to get in the car and take me to Medieval Times. NOW.
hoodyhoo recently posted..These Girls and Their Shoes

Noa July 26, 2011 at 7:40 pm

That would be the shitshow to end all shitshows.

Brandi July 25, 2011 at 7:49 am

Hearing people say irregardless makes me want to punch kittens. I had such an epic meltdown over it once that now my stepfather says it just to piss me off. He’ll call me up from the other side of the country just to work irregardless into the conversation.

I’d also like to add “liberry” to the list. If you’re three years old, liberry can be excused. But by the time you reach four, you better be prepared to be kicked in the taco if I hear you say it.

Oh, and I’m pretty sure I’m going to copy that whole part about vaguebooking and post it as my status, except maybe I’ll add in something like, “I know only a few of you will repost this, but let’s see who my REAL friends are…” Because statuses that start with that aren’t obnoxious AT ALL.

Tans July 25, 2011 at 9:08 am

“Hearing people say irregardless makes me want to punch kittens.”

Oh. Yes. Hell to the yes to the moon and back. My mother is guilty of this and flat out refuses to believe that it’s not a word. Infuriating.
Tans recently posted..Heat Induced Ramblings

Noa July 25, 2011 at 5:34 pm

I picture you throwing kittens at your mother.

Heather Heartless July 25, 2011 at 12:16 pm

“Jesus will hate you and condemn you to eternal hell fire if you don’t repost this.”

Jesus has shit to do. He has no time for Facebook. I believe the part where I make inappropriate jokes about dead people, punching babies, and knocking over my grandmother (gently, of course) to get a breakfast burrito in the afternoon is what’s going to condemn me to the fiery pits of Michael Bolton hell, not my lack of enthusiasm towards molesting people with my e-love for iJesus.

Oh, and my cancer was totally cured after I found out the color of your underwear.
Heather Heartless recently posted..Tasteless Merchandise to Fuel My Pillow Addiction

Noa July 25, 2011 at 5:35 pm

Off-white panties cure cancer? Then I’ll fucking live forever.

Also, Jesus is my friend on facebook. He’s not on yours? Weird.

Noa July 25, 2011 at 5:32 pm

Adrian leaves his chair out in the middle of the hall just to piss me off. He stopped doing that when he slammed his shins on it while coming home one day.

There’s nothing more passive aggressive than sending emails/status updates that demand you stand and deliver on religion, child charities, your makeup, douches, whatever–or you’re not someone’s real friend. Really? Go fuck yourself.

blondie July 29, 2011 at 2:35 pm

A-greed! Facebook guilt trip attempts should bar you from the internet.

Noa July 29, 2011 at 11:26 pm

Fuck yes they should.

Abby July 25, 2011 at 8:17 am

You don’t even want to get me started and I’m scared I’ll piss you off with rambling, so I’ll make it short-ish and sweet.
Yes to everything you said above, and I will add that “ironical,” “conversate” and “could care less” do not work in my world. It’s “couldn’t care less,” in that I “couldn’t care less” what the hell your bratty two-year old learned to do over the weekend. We all piss in the toilet. Congrats. You have a genius on your hands.

And the fact that I now have Michael Bolton stuck in my head kind of makes me hate you a little, but the rest of your list and shared hatred of various annoying human behaviors completely makes up for it…unless it doesn’t exit my brain in the next hour. Then I’m wishing you nothing but multiple Facebook invites to inane events and people who say “It’s Monday” when you ask them how they’re doing.
Abby recently posted..Smiling is My Favorite

Noa July 25, 2011 at 5:38 pm

I’m convinced that the repetitive use of shitty cliches and terrible language is exactly what was being talked about in 1984.


Norway July 26, 2011 at 10:13 pm

I dunno. Does it still count as unforgivable when you’re using those words to be ironical?

Noa July 26, 2011 at 11:36 pm

No, but that’s a slippery hipster slope.

nadine July 25, 2011 at 8:18 am

LET ME TELL YOU. I can’t agree more with “vaguebooking.” This bitch, I mean friend, DAILY posts status updates that are all vague in the hopes of someone giving her pity or asking her what’s wrong? WHAT’S WRONG? WE ALL KNOW WHAT’S WRONG, AFTER THREE YEARS MAYBE YOU CAN WISE UP AND STOP FUCKING AROUND WITH THIS GUY WHO HAS NO INTENTION OF LEAVING HIS BABY MOMMA FOR YOU.

THERE. I said it. Maybe I didn’t say it to her, but Jesus Fucking Almighty Larry David I’m so sick of the gotdamn whining. God I have so much facebook rage. So much.

Everything else here is why I can’t talk to my mom… ESPECIALLY the cliche wit. Someone put her out of my misery already.
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Noa July 25, 2011 at 5:51 pm

Oh goodness. I’m so glad I’m not alone. Because in life, as in facebook, no one cares about anyone else’s stupid bullshit. We all have to deal in our daily lives–so should they.

Elly Lou July 25, 2011 at 8:21 am

Damnit. Yet again I had fourteen pithy comments planned for this post and then you slap me with a grandma saying “I’m too drunk to hold this baby,” and I can’t remember a one of them. I’d list that as a pet peeve except I’m still giggling, you bitch.

Oh but I do hate it when chicks pee on toilet seats. If you’re going to pee standing up, you need to lift the seat. I don’t care what your gender is. The end.

Noa July 25, 2011 at 5:52 pm

It’s the old one-two-drunkgranny gag. It’s a specialty of mine.

How does that even happen? How do you pee on a seat when you’re sitting on it? What kind of wild-ass genitals are you in possession of? The end.

Jaclyn July 27, 2011 at 2:45 pm

Oh my god. Really. The seat pee-ers. It’s not 1984. You know you aren’t gonna get toilet seat AIDS. AND THOSE BATHROOMS GET CLEANED DAILY, YOU DOUCHEBAG. When I worked in retail we had to share a bathroom with the filthy customers. We would clean it every single morning and these retards were still afraid to sit on the seat. Because the bathroom was dirty. Because they wouldn’t sit down when they peed. Or shit. A couple of times people shit in the fitting rooms. I guess because they were cleaner than the toilets. Then they would come to me and bitch about how the bathrooms were dirty. I went through most of my first pregnancy and my entire second pregnancy at that job, so I couldn’t hold it if I had to pee. So I had to clean people’s pee off the fucking seats EVERY TIME I HAD TO PEE. Which was all the fucking time. HATE.
Jaclyn recently posted..Damn it Feels Good

Noa July 28, 2011 at 6:09 pm

People SHIT IN THE FITTING ROOMS? These people need to be bullwhipped into intelligence.

Dear Sweet Mama July 25, 2011 at 8:38 am

Oh – if Hoody ever makes me a gramma, I want a tshirt that says that. I need to go back to Hooters – things have been happening there!!!

Noa July 25, 2011 at 5:52 pm

I can make this happen. I will. Today.

hoodyhoo July 26, 2011 at 5:40 am

Noa, please tell me you’re making a shirt, not voodooing me pregnant.
hoodyhoo recently posted..Chow Down, Bitches!

Noa July 26, 2011 at 7:42 pm


Jessica July 25, 2011 at 8:39 am

My pet peeve is people who use short hand in their actual speech. I hate it. I hate it enough when you write LOL but hey you might be laughing out loud, how the hell do I know. But when you are standing right in fucking front of me and say LOL, really?!? I’m right there, just laugh I’ll catch your drift. Text speech is making America dumber, like we needed help.

nadine July 25, 2011 at 8:53 am

This! This was on Curb Your Enthusiasm last night when Larry David called out this woman for saying “LOL” out loud. I wanted to crawl inside my TV and high-five him.
nadine recently posted..I’m Not Lovin’ It. Ever.

Noa July 25, 2011 at 5:53 pm

WHO DOES THIS IN REAL LIFE? I thought this was all a made-up thing that never really happened and now I’m on a rampage. To the liberry. Lol. FUCK.

Jessica July 25, 2011 at 6:04 pm

It’s mainly annoying teenage girls, it makes me want to chloroform them, take out their voice box and castrate them for good measure. We do not need them to procreate, I’d be doing the world a favor.

Noa July 25, 2011 at 8:21 pm

@Jessica: Wow. I have no faith in the future.

@Heather: We need to talk.

@Nadine: I have noticed that it’s many times the 40+ set that uses phrases like, “off the chain,” and “with it,” to be like the younger folk. And it just makes them look like assholes. Case in point: your coworker, who I hope was wearing a snappy pantsuit at the time.

Heather Heartless July 25, 2011 at 6:47 pm

I did it. Once. On accident.

I’m afraid that I’m guilty of saying J/K outloud… like all the time.
Heather Heartless recently posted..Tasteless Merchandise to Fuel My Pillow Addiction

nadine July 25, 2011 at 7:06 pm

My whole basis for disliking a co-worker was the fact that she said “oh em gee” out loud, in conversations. And she was in her 40’s, not a teenager. iCan’t live in this world with people like this anymore!
nadine recently posted..I’m Not Lovin’ It. Ever.

Jaclyn July 27, 2011 at 2:51 pm

Nadine knows that I have irrational rage for LOL in any situation. You will never ever see me use it at any time, ever. If I want to indicate that something is funny, I say HAHA. Like, the sound one makes when one laughs. Out loud, even. When I see “LOL”, even just typed, I don’t read “laugh out loud”. No, I do not. I mean, when you see OMG or WTF, those are actual phrases that someone might want to abbreviate. But LOL. It is nothing but a sound. A sound that someone who might be deemed “mentally incompetent to stand trial” might make. Looooooooooolllllll. I always imagine this sound comes with drool and unfocused eyes. I fucking hate lol so much.

Also, I have PMS in case all my pissy comments haven’t tipped you off.
Jaclyn recently posted..Damn it Feels Good

Noa July 28, 2011 at 6:11 pm

I would have never had any idea you had PMS. Never.

Tiffany July 25, 2011 at 9:11 am

OMG! Mispronounced words —- I have a lengthy list:
Supposably, Liberry, and Expresso were already mentioned
And the regional favorite that puts me over the edge EVERY FUCKING TIME I HEAR IT: Yous instead of YOU. Yous is NOT a word. I was at a restaruant once where the waitress kept saying it: “What would yous like?” “Can I get yous anything else?” YEAH a fucking grammar book and a whip so I can teach you a lesson, bitch! I actually wrote “yous is not a word” in black ink on a napkin and left it on the table as we left. I doube she ever saw it, but it made me feel better.

I also HATE people who ask me stupid questions before they think them through in those big empty heads they have. In the summertime, I demonstrate colonial hearth-cooking at a colonial-era farm. I’m dressed in the appropriate clothing, made from linen and wool, from head to toe. My group and I cook meals they way our foremothers did in the hearth, as well as using a really awesome beehive oven from time to time. You would be amazed —- or maybe not —– at the number of people who come into the summer kitchen where we cook IN JULY, WITH A FIRE IN THE HEARTH, and ask us if we are HOT! They ALWAYS ask this upon walking into the building, dripping with sweat because it is JULY, and they are fanning themselves with their programs. GET THE HELL OUT OF MY KITCHEN! They also ask whether or not the fire is real, and, if after seeing a table full of food, we are REALLY cooking. No, I just started this roaring fire, and put on all of these colonial clothes — including a rather fitted cap — so I could stand here and feel my crotch sweat and play Martha Fucking Washington. OUT!! GET OUT!! One of these days, I swear, I will beat one of these visitors unconscious, truss them up and hang them from the crane to slowly roast. You want to know if it is hot? I’ll fucking show you!

Heather Heartless July 25, 2011 at 12:11 pm

My favorite while in uniform work-related question of all time: “Hey, do you work here?”

No, fuckwit, I just really like the fucking name tags/vest/colonial clothing.

Slightly related to ‘liberry’ is when people pronounce “bury” as “burry” because “berry” is a fruit.

I also pronounce the ‘l’ in salmon. It’s there, mother fucker. It’s. THERE. Just like the invisible second ‘r’ in sherbet.
Heather Heartless recently posted..Tasteless Merchandise to Fuel My Pillow Addiction

Misty July 25, 2011 at 1:00 pm

I pronounce that invisible R as well. Then again I also can be caught saying waRsh or waRshington. That’s just how we do in these here parts, k?
Misty recently posted..Signs, signs, everywhere . . .

Noa July 25, 2011 at 5:59 pm

@Tiffany: Fallbacks comments like, “aren’t you hot?” and “Weather’s _______” are what make me start conversations with things like, “Your tit’s out,” and “I love your ass.” Spices things up. I think the people who ask you if you’re hot or if you’re actually working deserve to be smacked in the knees with your cast iron cookware.

@Heather: My mom learned years ago to never ever wear a red shirt to Target for just that very reason. Also, Adrian pronounces it Burry. And it makes me want to stab him.

Heather Heartless July 25, 2011 at 12:19 pm

As to Punkin, it’s a Southern term of endearment for grandbabies of all shapes and ages. My granny calls me that AND spells it that way on birthday cards, but when she’s referring to the large orange orbs, she uses pumpkin correctly.
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Noa July 25, 2011 at 6:00 pm

Your granny is wise.

Kelly July 25, 2011 at 12:41 pm When someone says “liberry,” I contemplate giving myself a lobotomy. Also: If you can’t differentiate between “specific” and “Pacific,” I pray that your children look like monkeys.
Kelly recently posted..All my lovin’

Noa July 25, 2011 at 6:02 pm

I thought that was just a Family Guy gag. Mother of God.

Norway July 26, 2011 at 10:33 pm

When those people ask you if you’re hot, take is as a pick-up line. “Why thank you. Can’t say the same to you.”

Noa July 26, 2011 at 11:37 pm

That is excellent. I wish I thought beyond my fists like you do.

Tans July 25, 2011 at 9:24 am

Expecially. Like expresso, I hate the non-word expecially. There is a radio ad running locally where the announcer clearly states “we have so many cars on our lot, so come in and we’ll create a deal EXPECIALLY for you.”

I want to kick a puppy everytime that ad airs.

My pet peeve lately has to do with other people and their children. Not the kids themselves, because they have no control over the assfuckery that their parents are inflicting on them. I stopped by Kroger to grab a few groceries on the way home last week and there was a mom on her cell phone, yakking away while her 3 or 4 year old was running down the aisle knocking cereal boxes off of the shelf. Get off the phone and parent your child. My ass would have been the color of the Target logo if I had pulled that when I was little.

Also on my pet peeve list: anyone who says “oh, you wouldn’t understand because you’re not a parent, a single person, a farmer, an astronaut, a counterterrorist expert…whatever.” I may not be any one of those, but I’m also not a martyr, thankyouverymuch. I’m sure counterterrorist experts have difficult lives but don’t discount my random observations because I’m not one of them.

Last, my biggest pet peeve is arguing for argument’s sake. I do this with my mother a lot, and I swear that the woman would have defended Hitler as just being a bit misunderstood. Just come to the conclusion that we don’t agree and let it die before I kick you in the throat. We’ll both be happier in the end.
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Tans July 25, 2011 at 2:25 pm

Oh, and to add to the cliches:

“I’m the person your mother warned you about”

Really? You’re a stranger from the early 80s who trolls school crosswalks and tries to persuade little girls to get into your van for the promise of candy? If so, then yes, you are the person my mother warned me about.

If not, then please note that saying that doesn’t make you a badass. Nor does it scare me into thinking you’re the walk on the wild side that I need. You don’t look like a badass, you look like a jackass, and it’ll take me all of 2 minutes to determine that you still live in your parents’ basement and love role-playing games on the internet.

Shut the fuck up.

Noa July 25, 2011 at 6:08 pm

Any time anyone says, “You wouldn’t understand,” I want to immediately reply, “No. You tried to explain it to me. Make me understand. You brought this job on yourself.” It’s basically a way of saying, “I’m much different than you, and therefore better.”

And the person your mother warned you about? If you ever met that person, you would be dead. And it would be sad.

Johi July 25, 2011 at 9:29 am

I agree with all of these except the coffee one. I don’t say that as cliche wit to solicit laughter, but as a serious warning to any and all humanoids who happen to be motherfucking “morning people”. You know, those bouncy, peppy types who feel the need to start any kind of excited or questioning conversation with me upon the first hour of my waking. Note to them: GO SOMEWHERE THAT I CANNOT SEE OR HEAR YOU.
Other than that, I’m as fresh as a fucking farm ripened peach all the time….
Johi recently posted..Bears, Snoring and Paranoia: Not Recommended for a Good Night’s Sleep

Noa July 25, 2011 at 6:09 pm

I say there’s a distinct difference between, “Shut the fuck up, it’s morning,” and, “COFFEE JOKES MOTHERFUCKER.” One is addiction, one is just being an asshole. I’m glad that you’re not the asshole.

Smart Ass Sara July 25, 2011 at 9:51 am

Oh… I have a lot. But working in a college bookstore? Oh man. One thing- don’t bitch about the prices of books to me. A) I have no control over that and B) books are expensive. OBVIOUSLY. I have no control over re-sale value, how much or little you’ll really use the book, and quite frankly? I don’t care if you had to pawn your puppy to get the book. If it’s required, then you need the book. Will I feel bad for you if you buy the wrong book online at a resale place and realize that hey- I have the wrong book and I need an access code oh damn. Then you come to me asking for these things. Nope, they aren’t sold separately for a reason. So congratulations, you get to buy the same book a second time. And please don’t assume everyone hates their job and wishes they were some where else. Because I love my job. I enjoy going to work every day even if I have to hear people complain about the cost of books. So don’t come up to me and say, “Wow- it’s so nice out today, bet you want to go home.” Um, nope. Not so much fucktard.
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Noa July 25, 2011 at 6:13 pm

I’m so glad you love your job, because working with bholes like that does sound dreadful. You’re among the rarest of retail workers who actually enjoy their job, and I wish there were more of you. Nothing makes me happier than meeting employees who love their jobs.

Misty July 25, 2011 at 10:03 am

“I will spoon with your ricotta just to make you uncomfortable, ma’am.”

Fucking awesome. But also quite messy. And squishy. Just saying.

Oh, and #2 FTW. I can’t stand the ridiculous people who post things like “I’m hungry. Wonder what I will have for lunch.” This is a fucking internal conversation bitch!! This is not something for the world to decide. Damn.

And to add to the words/phrases of annoyance: “for a minute.” That one, by gawd. I want to bitch slap you so bad when I ask how long you have been working there, living there, etc. and your answer is “for a minute.” You have not fucking been doing anything FOR. A. MINUTE. I have been sitting here talking to you for longer than that and if I ask you HOW LONG, I want an answer with quantifiable numbers. 1 month. 2 years. A week and a half. NOT FOR A FUCKING MINUTE!!! Freaking imbeciles!
Misty recently posted..Signs, signs, everywhere . . .

Heather Heartless July 25, 2011 at 10:37 am

And this is where I will come off as vaguely racist…

I have to ask people if they’re referring to a white minute or a black minute.

I don’t feel the need for you to inform me that you haven’t seen me in exactly 60 seconds. I’m aware. “Oh, I thought I lost you there for a minute” is completely acceptable. You didn’t lose them for a minute, you thought for one minute that you did.

Oh, I haven’t worked there in a minute. Bitch, you got fired a year ago. According to Rent, that is 525,600 minutes, but in reality, it’s 525,960 minutes… which just doesn’t have quite the same ring to it.
Heather Heartless recently posted..Tasteless Merchandise to Fuel My Pillow Addiction

Misty July 25, 2011 at 10:56 am

Ahh, so you’ve met the demographic of which I am referring.

Oh, and thanks for getting that song in my head now. At least it replaced the Michael Bolton song that Noa violated my brain with earlier. Better I guess.
Misty recently posted..Signs, signs, everywhere . . .

Mandi July 25, 2011 at 12:47 pm

The whole state of NJ uses “minute” in that way. So, you’re off the racist hook! :)
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Norway July 27, 2011 at 5:37 pm

Wait, a year ISN’T 525,600 minutes? There goes my entire scheme of remembering such things. I’m totally screwed now.

Noa July 29, 2011 at 11:27 pm

Right? It’s like all your dreams are just crumbling now.

Noa July 25, 2011 at 6:16 pm

@Misty: Is that still a thing? I don’t even like it when Adrian texts me shit like that. Now he just texts me Prince lyrics. We have a weird relationhip.

@Heather: I’ve never even heard of this “minute” thing, though I’m totally guilty of using, “Just the other day,” when it was more realistically 4-5 years ago. That is fucking baffling.


@Mandi: I’ve lost all faith in the inherent good of NJ.

Misty July 26, 2011 at 7:45 am

Damn you Noa! Damn you to hell!!! You got The Bolton stuck in my head all night because of your evil ways. I awoke with “how can we be lovers if we can’t be friiiieeeennnnddddsssss” playing in my brain. A plague on both your houses!
Misty recently posted..Shenanigans

Noa July 26, 2011 at 7:45 pm


Mrs. Bitch July 25, 2011 at 10:05 am

Nucular, mushroons, I could care less (yeah, I know it’s been posted already but it just can’t be bitched about too much), people who use literally incorrectly, as in, “I was literally puking my guts out.” Huh, I would’ve liked to have seen that.

People who chain their dogs in the yard and let them bark and bark and bark and bark and howl and bay and howl and bark. Why, yes, my next door neighbors do have a beagle and I would gleefully, literally murder every one of them, and their little dog, too, with a nuclear device if I thought I could do it without singeing the siding on our house.

People who drive in the passing lane at the speed limit, especially when they’re pacing a car in the slow lane, really do make me want to ram my grill up their tailpipe and push.

Oh, and for idjits who use LOL in real life, just tell them in your most offended voice that you are NOT a Lame Old Lesbian, or a Lumpen Old Lardass, or if you’re in church, a Little Old Lady.
Mrs. Bitch recently posted..Tim Minchin

Rachael July 25, 2011 at 2:45 pm

I’ve decided that the next time someone says they will “literally die if (x),” I will do everything in my power to make sure that X happens. I want to see if I get arrested for attempted murder.
Rachael recently posted..Free tickets? You sick fuck.

Noa July 25, 2011 at 6:18 pm

Nothing makes Grace more mad that the misuse of literally and its lesser cousin, actually. If you think about it, actually does not actually have a purpose in our language. At all.

And to those people in the fast lane? That’s when my bass becomes a prominent defense feature. People WILL move if they think you’re a thug.

blondie July 29, 2011 at 2:44 pm

nucular makes me meltdown.

Noa July 29, 2011 at 11:27 pm

HAH! Nuclear joke. I like it.

Smarty Britches July 25, 2011 at 10:13 am

Holy fuckers. Now I am all angry reading about these damn pet peeves. YES FUCKING YES to all of them. Stupid people. Good Fucking God.

I hate….

When you are at the airport waiting for your bag and some bitch, or bitch kid, shoves through you to stand and do jack shit. You only get to shove through if your fucking bag is there ready to pick up.

Radio stations that claim they are “the new…” no. you are only fucking new if you have been on the air for like less than 6 months. After 3 years, you are old as fucking fart. congratulations for actually having enough to keep you in business…..I even called one of these mofo stations to complain about their marketing…I was told that they say that they are new because new people start listening all time and they are new to them. WHAT THE FUCK?

Bragging on Facebook. Oh I went to zumba 12 times to day, oh i baked a 7 course meal for my entire family, oh I cleaned my entire house from top to bottom. NO FUCKING GOLD STAR. No one gives a flying shit. In fact, they all hate you!

And now the rage is really boiling. Eghh. Stupid. People. DIE!
Smarty Britches recently posted.."from what I know, this is how it works"

Noa July 25, 2011 at 6:20 pm

I don’t mind occasional bragging. Such as, “I won _____,” or even, “I’m pregnant.” I do mind when its, “I got out of bed!” “I washed my car!” “I lifted weights!” Couldn’t care less, homie.

Glad you started your day with Rage.

Heather Heartless July 25, 2011 at 10:30 am

Short List of Things That Will Make Me Plot Your Death:

B. T. Dubs. It seriously just took me longer to spell/say that than it did to do that to “By the way.”

Vaca, deets, preesh, presh, sitch. It’s not fetch. Stop trying to make fetch happen, Gretchen.

People that think that WTF is an acronym. It is not. If it were an acronym it would be pronounced “whatfuh”, which is now I how use it.

People that use “BAM!” inappropriately. There’s a pelvic thrust involved in there. Don’t leave it out, Emeril.

People that spoon me in line, especially dirty people that breathe on my neck. If I can feel the heat from your body, you’re too close to me. I charge for this kind of thing. No free samples.

The person on Facebook that constantly complains that their life is SO TERRIBLE that they’re currently having one of their many panic attacks. Bitch, I own the panic attack… they usually don’t involve a short recess for Facebook posts. She’s right in line behind the “I Got Engaged Last Night and Just in Case You Didn’t See My 27 Other Posts in Twelve Minutes About How I Said Yes, Here’s Three More… These Feel More Clever and Less Vague to Me. Love Me. Please?”

Oh, and Noa? CONGRADULATIONS on your post!
Heather Heartless recently posted..Tasteless Merchandise to Fuel My Pillow Addiction

Mandi July 25, 2011 at 12:50 pm

I apologize in advance for any reference to “vacay” or “sitch” which I am sure I have been/will be guilty of when slimming my tweets, but I NEVER use them in spoken conversation.
Mandi recently posted..themandilee: I can haz free drugs? Indeed! I am paving the road to wellness with 875mg white tablets of antibiotics. Bye bye strep!

Noa July 25, 2011 at 6:23 pm

I use BAM all the time. All the time. And now I’m sad.

I’m learning all kinds of new horrible things that people do today. BTDubs? That’s potentially the dumbest thing I have ever heard ever, and I have heard a lot of terrible shit in my day.

Also, I’m having nightmares about roving D’s.

Kelly July 26, 2011 at 8:38 am

I will CUTABITCH who says “vacay.” I will fashion a shiv out of seven paperclips and the underwire from my left boob cup (because *everyone* fucking knows the right one is smaller anyway, so why not give it a chance to shine?) MacGyver style and show you how I roll. Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta.
Kelly recently posted..All my lovin’

Noa July 26, 2011 at 7:46 pm

Who ARE these people who really use these words? Good lord.

Meg July 25, 2011 at 11:15 am

Oh, holy hell, I have so many pet peeves.

The first one–everyone who ever posts those stupid fucking memes on Facebook–you know, the “POST THIS FOR ONE HOUR IN HONOR PEOPLE WITH CANCER, OR YOU ARE A HEARTLESS BITCH WHO WILL DIE COLD AND ALONE!!!” Or even better, “Mommies are the bestest people in the whole world. We are the only ones who know how to love–you don’t know what real love is, because you’ve never shoved a watermelon out your hoo-hah. Repost this if you are a mommy. IF YOU ARE NOT A MOMMY, YOU SUCK!!!”

Also? Moms. I don’t give a shit (ha ha, pun not intended) about your kid’s potty training status. Maybe I should post a status detailing what my cats did in the litter box. “Hooray, Millie! You gave me a fucking huge, smelly tuna turd this morning! She’s such a GOOD GIRL!!!”

I may have to come back several times during the day and post more as they come to me.
Meg recently posted..Friday Fun With Summer

Heather Heartless July 25, 2011 at 12:23 pm


*Mentally insert “I knoooooooowwww”.*

No one cares. Your baby doesn’t have a fever, he’s just overheated from the perpetual rage he experiences because A.) you decided it would be a good idea to procreate and B.) you’re his mother.

If you managed to live this long while slapping natural selection in the face, I think he can manage his non-fever.
Heather Heartless recently posted..Tasteless Merchandise to Fuel My Pillow Addiction

barefootorbust July 25, 2011 at 12:51 pm

Besides, a slight fever like that is normal after shots. You’re his mom, do the research before you panic.

Jaclyn July 27, 2011 at 3:12 pm

“If you managed to live this long while slapping natural selection in the face”… I heart you Heartless!

barefootorbust July 25, 2011 at 12:56 pm

Totally agree with the first one. Usually that is enough to get me to unfriend you. What makes you think that adding a few words to my status that I don’t really care about is going to change anything? Or better yet, thank you for rubbing in my face that I haven’t been able to conceive. Or that my family has disowned me, so I really do not have a dad, mom, sister or brother who care. Or that my nephew died last year, so technically I am not an aunt anymore. You belong the the Special hell, man. Special hell.

Noa July 25, 2011 at 6:28 pm

@Meg: The same also goes for cats and dogs. Your cat/dog/ferret/gecko is pretty normal. It may be cute, but it’s pretty fucking ordinary. Does your cat sleep on the ceiling? Awesome–post this. Does your dog wear your shoes? That’s fucking weird, post that.

@Heather: How ’bout these women get off facebook and deal with the issue at hand?

@Barefoot: It’s a delicious way of proving how much better they are than everyone, especially everyone. And it’s awful.

Ann July 25, 2011 at 11:35 am

I hate when people don’t hold doors open for you…especially when I was 9 months pregnant and had my hands full with bags. And I hate it even more when you hold the door open for someone and they don’t say thank you. I always get the satisfaction of yelling “You’re welcome!!!” right at their face when they walk through as well. I have a million pet peeves but won’t even start to list them since I want to stay in a good mood today. :)

Meg July 25, 2011 at 12:32 pm

I do the same thing!! I will smile verrrry sweetly and say, “Oh, you’re welcome!” in a very cheerful tone. And when people let the door slam in my face, I smile just as sweetly and say, “Thank you!” as though they held the door for me. I get some really amusing looks of shock directed my way.
Meg recently posted..Monday Music: Charlie Winston

Noa July 25, 2011 at 6:31 pm

@Ann: I’m the same way about not doing the little ‘thanks’ wave if someone cuts me off in traffic. Really? You just fucking slammed your Benz all up in my business and now you think it’s all good? NOPE.

@Meg: My mom is the fucking queen of this. She shouts that shit so the whole store knows. As a child, awful. As an adult, I do the same.

Mandi July 25, 2011 at 12:42 pm

I have three. Backhanded complimentors (word cobbling, yes. cliche wit, i hope not) send me into a shit-tornado like nothing else. “Nice eye shadow! It totally distracts from your freckles!” or “I love your long hair, trendy “in” cuts aren’t for everyone” BCs can never just stop after the first half, they must let you know that they’re not issuing this compliment to make you feel good, but to tell you that you suck just a teensy bit less. Next up to asshole bat: Drama Mongers! You know them; they see two people handling a situation and instead of letting them continue along their path of fixing, they insert themselves and proceed to blindly twirl around in other peoples business until they get bored and then let the original parties pick up the pieces. Sometimes they come in the form of well meaning friends and family. They “tactfully” say things to get the people involved to react and fuel the flames of an already heated situation. Let me clarify “tactfully”: HEY YOU!!! Yeah, you, stop pissing my friend off! Tactful. Third, the way my mother drinks bottled water. She somehow manages to make it sound like a 5 gallon jug draining… how does something so small make so much noise? Glug. Glug! GLUUUUUUUG!
Mandi recently posted..themandilee: I can haz free drugs? Indeed! I am paving the road to wellness with 875mg white tablets of antibiotics. Bye bye strep!

Brandi July 25, 2011 at 3:38 pm

My 12 year old son makes that noise when he drinks bottled water. It pissed me off so much last week I grounded him for it.
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Noa July 25, 2011 at 7:29 pm

@Mandi: Those people are known as bitch pigeons. Courtesy of The Bloggess. And I think I’m guilty of drinking like that. Oops.

@Brandi: I like your style.

barefootorbust July 25, 2011 at 12:45 pm

I have many…

1. Drivers who don’t watch for pedestrians and make me fucking play dodge-the-car when on crutches. In most states PEDESTRIANS HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY, MOTHERFUCKERS. One of these days I am going to let myself get hit and exaggerate the injuries just to get on the news and get people to fucking watch what they are doing.

2. People who listen in to your private conversations then interrupt you to correct you. I was in a grocery store once, on my cell with my roommate discussing what I needed to get for dinner. I said something to the effect of “I suppose that point is moot, as we don’t have room in the freezer.” This woman tapped me on the shoulder and said, I kid you not, “I hate to be a grammar Nazi, but I believe the word you are looking for is ‘mute’.” I really had to fight the urge to lock her in one of the freezer compartments with a live badger and a lemon wedge. She continued to argue when I tried to explain the difference between “moot” and “mute”. I even looked it up on my smartphone and showed her. Her response? “You can’t trust anything on the internet.” Why did I waste my fucking breath? I should get a medal for letting her walk away uninjured.

3. People who make up their own statistics and pretend they are real. Seriously? You really think I am that gullible that your made up numbers will just be accepted with no research? When comedians do it, obviously tongue in cheek, that is fine. But those people who, when they realize they are losing the upper hand in an argument, make up numbers to make their point and try to pass them off as legitimate….they can go to the special hell. With the angry badger.

Rachael July 25, 2011 at 2:20 pm

You know, language is a living thing. It constantly changes and evolves. Before something is set in stone in dictionaries or grammar books, one must look to “common use laws” for an understanding of not what a word meant years ago, but what it means today. 93% of people believe that you should have used the word “mute” in that discussion, and increasing amounts of linguists agree: while only 10% felt this way three years ago, that number has grown to 32% in that time.

(And I will help you kill them all.)
Rachael recently posted..Free tickets? You sick fuck.

barefootorbust July 25, 2011 at 6:06 pm

Haha!!! I expect a list of sources on my desk by the end of the day, young lady. :P

Noa July 25, 2011 at 7:35 pm

@Barefoot: Regarding the final point of your wonderfully highly organized argument, I want to tell you about Grace’s new coworker. He’s a one-upper to comically absurd proportions. Last week, he told her that dust devils (the mild, wind-related phenomenon) can pick up cattle, and that sometimes, they become tornados. By that logic, ocean breezes become hurricanes and grassfires become volcanos.

@Rachael: FUCK.

Kelly July 25, 2011 at 1:44 pm

One word, four syllables: Sorostitutes.

*Please* tell me how these life-size Bratz dolls get dressed to go out for a night of warm Shlitz in cans and erection-induced “dancing.” A strip of denim does not a skirt make, sweetheart, and I really don’t think your hooch should be waving at me–we don’t know each other like that. High heels will only make it harder for you to climb back home to your studio apartment on Mount St. Slutovich. Also: the perrrrrfume that they were smells like a mixture of unicorn tears, daddy issues, lowered expectations and mild depression. Haaaates them (Gollum style).
Kelly recently posted..All my lovin’

Noa July 25, 2011 at 7:37 pm

I snorted at Mount St. Slutovich. I like to think it’s a mystical glitter mountain that has a yeti that looks like an unshaven vagina.

Rachael July 25, 2011 at 2:15 pm

Dear Everyone,

Please learn to spell “Definitely.” It does not have an “A” in it.

Rachael recently posted..Free tickets? You sick fuck.

Rachael July 25, 2011 at 2:58 pm

Oh wait. I forgot one of the most important ones that I have been seeing EVERYWHERE on Facebook and Twitter and Google+ and shit.

“It’s been busy, today.”
“I think I’ll go out, now.”
“Who else will be at the HIPSTERBAND show, tomorrow?”

When the fuck did it become okay to put that comma there? It didn’t. “It’s been busy today.” That is how that sentence works. You don’t need to put a comma before a fucking time specification in your goddamn sentence that half the time IS VAGUEBOOKING ANYWAY.

“Feeling down, today.” UGH. *stab*
Rachael recently posted..Free tickets? You sick fuck.

Rachael July 25, 2011 at 3:13 pm

ANOTHER! Men saying “we’re pregnant!” when really their wife or girlfriend or fiancee or whoever is pregnant. MEN. YOU ARE NOT PREGNANT. SERIOUSLY. It’s slightly more acceptable when the woman says it, but still. “I’m pregnant!” is okay and “We’re having a baby!” or “We’re expecting!” is okay. “We’re pregnant” is not. Ever.
Rachael recently posted..Free tickets? You sick fuck.

Tans July 25, 2011 at 3:31 pm

Commas are the abused children of grammar. It makes me want to weep. Along with apostrophes (“Free Puppie’s!” – DIE) and those people who feel the need to post everything in their status with the caps lock on and excessive use of exclamation points.

Automatic defriend. Fuckpuppets.
Tans recently posted..These Are the Facts (that have been relayed to me over the past 48 hours and because I don’t rememeber, they’re all lies)

Misty July 25, 2011 at 5:01 pm

I use to be so guilty of this, but you will be happy to hear that I have worked very hard to adjust my wayward actions.

Oh, and it sounds like you’ve had a rough day & could use a hug. Come on now, bring it in!

Misty July 25, 2011 at 6:58 pm

Ok, so the above was supposed to be a reply to Rachael’s post above about Definitely. Not sure how it ended up so far down here. It makes no sense here. Sorry bouts that! (It’s Rachael who needs the hug, by the by).
Misty recently posted..Signs, signs, everywhere . . .

Rachael July 25, 2011 at 9:16 pm

Thanks, Misty. I mean, as long as you’re not a leper. As Noa said, that’s important. If you are, I’m sure I can hug someone else. No hard feelings?
Rachael recently posted..Free tickets? You sick fuck.

Misty July 26, 2011 at 7:57 am

Nope not a leper! No lepers here! Just ignore those nasty skin lesions. It’s just eczema, really. Hey, look over there!

Ok then, let’s HUG IT OUT!!
Misty recently posted..Shenanigans

Noa July 25, 2011 at 7:41 pm

@Rachael: Dear sweet Jesus I love you. Love. And if Adrian ever ever says, “We’re pregnant, I’ll shove a watermelon up a bhole and we’ll see just how pregnant WE are. And it’s because to most people, commas have become like lip piercings, useless decor instead of functional.

@Tans: Whenever someone use’s apostrophe’s at the end of sentence’s as though it’s the natural accompaniment to s’s, like fries to hamburger’s, Jesu’s Crie’s.

@Misty: Rachael has a strict no leper hugging policy. Are you a leper? If not, cool.

Rachael July 25, 2011 at 9:35 pm

Don’t forget the hormone injections. Oh, and make sure the watermelon actually moves around and shit. And maybe sneak some pot into his food so he gets cravings for fucked-up foods.
Rachael recently posted..Free tickets? You sick fuck.

Noa July 26, 2011 at 7:47 pm

Somewhere in this city, Adrian knows that trouble is afoot.

Jillian July 25, 2011 at 3:00 pm

“I seen it/her/them.” Or worse. “I seens it.”

And I once heard a radio commerical for a local coffee shop that referred to the business name by “Expresso,” “Esprexso,” and “Exprexso.”

I didn’t know my ex had a sprexso, but it sounds dirty and/or like something I should bedazzle.
Jillian recently posted..Stockedshelvesaphobia, or, Why I Hate Grocery Stores

Noa July 25, 2011 at 7:41 pm

This was fucking glorious. X’s shall forever be associated with rhinestones.

Crystal July 25, 2011 at 3:17 pm

I’m thinking I would very much like to stalk you IRL one day. If only to see the expressions on other peoples faces when you call them a twatwad and bitch slap them.

Noa July 25, 2011 at 7:42 pm

It’s a rare occurrence, but it is spectacular when it happens.

Angie Uncovered July 25, 2011 at 3:23 pm

-Pacific (It’s a fucking Ocean and a time zone) When you tell me you want to look at a Pacific item, I want to stab you in a very special place.

Noa July 25, 2011 at 7:43 pm

Someone recently told me that Orientated was the British version of Orient. And I disagreed.

I think I told myself that, now that I think about it.

Angie Uncovered July 26, 2011 at 9:26 am

The English used oriented as opposed to orientated until the 1950s. If you look up a word in the dictionary and they tell you to “see” the correct spelling… you’re probably saying it wrong.

Definition of ORIENTATED
: oriented

They didn’t start using “orientated” until the mid 19th century, the shorter version “oriented” has been in place in the English language for over 100 years longer.

Okay, I’m done bitching. Taking off my Know It All Pants and all that!
Angie Uncovered recently posted..Having the Sex Talk – Where’s the Handbook?!

Noa July 26, 2011 at 7:48 pm

I’m glad you cleared that up for me. Now I can slap others with my giant brain.

Siren July 25, 2011 at 4:01 pm

Emoticons. More specifically, a smiley after something mean. “You’re such a striver! [winky-face]” That winky-face does not give you plausible deniability, you bike-sniffing lowlife. It does not negate your assholishness or mean you can later accuse me of not being able to take a joke. Either come right out and be mean so we can have a fair fight or keep your snarky bullshit to yourself.

Adults using that freaky widdle-girl talk. “I has a sad cuz I just gotted a owie.” What. The. Fuck.


barefootorbust July 25, 2011 at 6:11 pm

Agreed. LOLcat speak is NOT cute or funny. Ever. In any context. Especially on a LOLcat.

Noa July 25, 2011 at 7:44 pm



I just made myself a little sick typing that winky face.

Luke July 25, 2011 at 4:20 pm

Lol Relax people ! Look at Norway…
Luke recently posted..Online graduate schools

Noa July 25, 2011 at 7:46 pm

I can guarantee you I’m not going to open fire in the grocery store because someone touches my ass with a cart. Thanks for the implication though!

Satan July 25, 2011 at 4:40 pm

people who don’t use turn signals, or cut across 3 lanes of traffic should die a horrific death.
likewise, people who wear ed hardy or affliction shirts. you do not look cool. it’s like an instant douchebag detector. hmm. maybe i should thank them for advertising that they are such assholes.
and if someone is using hate speech of any kind (fag, racism, generally being an asshat), i can’t restrain myself. i end up saying something. if they don’t shut the fuck up, i start yelling at them. motherfucker, half my family is gay or gayish, including me. YOU WANNA SAY THAT AGAIN? i will STAB YOUR FACE.
Satan recently posted..trippy!

Noa July 25, 2011 at 8:09 pm

I legit don’t know how to respond when people use hate/sexist speech. It’s so foreign to me that when I’m affronted with it, I am speechless. I appreciate your know how and stabbiness.

Satan July 28, 2011 at 2:33 pm

i usually just speak up and go, “that’s really offensive,” and see how they take it from there. but i’m sooo not above yelling and threatening to cock-punch someone.
it’s when my friends are being unintentionally offensive, that i have hard times. of course i don’t want to spoil the party… but i definitely don’t want to hear that shit from my friends!
Satan recently not to injure yourself all the effing time

Noa July 29, 2011 at 11:29 pm

That’s when you don’t even preface it. You just start punching.

Siren July 25, 2011 at 4:44 pm

All right, missy. I’m on to you. Or maybe it should be I’m onto one-word you. I’ll have to look that up and then peeve over people who do it the wrong way. Don’t you hate people who misuse verbs like that? But two disappearing comments in a row can NOT be a coincidence. What’s more annoying? People who write can NOT as two words, people who write it canNOT, people who use all caps too much, or people who refer to words without putting quotation marks around them to signal that they’re referring to the words in themselves? What about people who use pleonastic thats?

This must be a comment moderation thing. Since when have you had comment moderation? Did you announce that somewhere? Oh I’m gonna be so busted as a not completely faithful reader if you announced it in an earlier post. Is the word “gonna” anyone’s peeve? Should not completely faithful have hyphens?

Okay I have made myself completely cranky now.

Noa July 25, 2011 at 8:12 pm

You got flagged as spam by accident, because my Spam filter dislikes posts in which I hate things. It’s weird. I don’t actually have comment moderation anymore, it just chooses people at random to say, “FUCK YOU,” and makes me look like an asshole like a disappointing child.

And all I can think of af ter your com ment is Allie Brosh’s Alot post. A nd i t is so fit ting. I use gonna a lot, sadly. I’m trying really hard to monitor my speech more and more because once upon a time I used carmel instead of caramel and a whole nother much to liberally. It’s a struggle.

Siren, dammit. July 25, 2011 at 10:15 pm

Bah. This comment of mine made a lot more sense when it was the third comment, not the second. Somehow your spam filter managed to salvage my first and last comments while killing the one in the middle. It probably flagged me for excessive commenting.

Also, I sometimes say “a whole nother.” It’s a colloquialism, dammit. And there’s nothing wrong with “gonna,” either, dammit. And from now on I’m gonna end every sentence with the word “dammit,” dammit.

Noa July 26, 2011 at 7:49 pm

Sorry! My spam filter is a whole nother asshole.

KatieBee July 25, 2011 at 5:03 pm

Jesus H. Christ on a bicycle, Noa. Fucking YES.

I’ll add: people who don’t know the difference between “breath” and “breathe”. For example, “OMG!! LAUGHING SO HARD!! CAN’T BREATH!!”

Um. Seriously? You are a fucking moron.

I swear I have a sister-in-law who says “ideal” in place of “idea”.

Me: “Where are we going to dinner on Saturday night?”
Her: “I have no ideal.”

barefootorbust July 25, 2011 at 6:13 pm

Your answer to her should be “No, no you don’t.”

Noa July 25, 2011 at 8:15 pm

I am secretly in love with you for using the word RAGEFACE because it makes me feel like I’m not on the internet too much. But I also secretly hate your sister in law.

The Wannabe Housewife July 25, 2011 at 5:35 pm

I was venting about my peeves the other day and you and I were meant for each other. Our lists have eerily similar points, yet you and your awesome writing abilities conveyed them in a better way than I ever could. Bravo lady, you are my hero.
The Wannabe Housewife recently posted..Vaginas Flapping in the Wind

Noa July 25, 2011 at 8:16 pm

That’s a fantastic compliment–I mean no sarcasm when I say thank you very much.

Also, the fact that your supernice comment was juxtaposed with your post titled, “Vaginas flapping in the wind,” made my day.

marty July 25, 2011 at 6:03 pm

When people say “of” in place of have like:
I should OF listened more in English class instead of huffing model glue.

Yeah – fuck those people.

Noa July 25, 2011 at 8:16 pm

Yeah. Fuck those people, marty. Fuck ‘em to death.

Angie July 25, 2011 at 6:32 pm

One of the ladies in my office frequently tells people, “You can always look under the FA&Qs on our website.”

At first it made me laugh. Now after a year of it I just want to scream!
Angie recently posted..Woman Addresses an Age Old Question With Affirmative Answer

Noa July 25, 2011 at 8:18 pm


Does she think it stands for Fairies, Adamantium, and Quantum Theory? Farts, Asses, and Quarters? Fools, Animals, and Quorums?

I’m so confused.

Tazer WP July 26, 2011 at 1:10 am

Fuckers, Assholes, and Queefs?
Tazer WP recently posted..Rants of the Day

Noa July 26, 2011 at 7:49 pm

Also good.

No Ordinary Momma July 25, 2011 at 7:03 pm

Incorrect use of the words “to, too, two” and “your, you’re, eeyore” and “their, they’re, there”…if you grew up in America there’s no excuse to butcher these very simple words. If you came here illegally, then I totally understand and will not only volunteer to show you the proper way to use these words, but I will also hire you to do work around my home.
No Ordinary Momma recently posted..i’m a guest writer on today!

Noa July 25, 2011 at 8:19 pm

If you have seen someone use the word Eeyore instead of your or you’re, then I’m going to need the name of that person.

Margaret Goerig July 25, 2011 at 8:26 pm

I’m not telling you my pet peeves. Last time I fell for that one, I named something you actually do and can’t help doing and I felt like a heartless piece of crap. Nope. Not gonna do it– except to say that I concur on the one about not pushing in your chair. Totally lame.

Noa July 26, 2011 at 7:49 pm

You didn’t offend me at all! I dish it out, I can take it.

Marcy July 25, 2011 at 8:43 pm

People who overshare about their kids a la STFUParents. Really? Your kid eats, shits, and, sleeps. Nothing about that is remotely interesting, and yet every fucking day some asshat posts 800 of what are basically the same photo of their spawn doing some combination of those things and remarks on how adorable/perfect/better than everyone else’s mini-human theirs is. I wonder what would happen if I posted photos of the toilet after I shat in it? At what age does that cease being “adorable” and start becoming disgusting?

On another note, Noa, I just discovered your blog and ignored my husband all weekend while reading it back to the beginning. You have the uncanny ability to write what I’m thinking, and you don’t even know me. As I sat at my computer, laughing every 10 seconds, he was convinced I was slipping slowly into madness. Walking by catching glimpses of onesies that say “you know you wanna hear my hips crack” and a bedazzled tub of Vaseline. Thank you for the hours of endless delight. I’ll be back daily.

Noa July 26, 2011 at 7:51 pm

Well hello Marcy. Welcome.

And yes, parental overexcitement makes me want to punch someone in the face. MY KID SHIT TODAY. Yeah, well so does my cat. MY KID HAS HAIR. Don’t fucking care. Unless they’re wearing a onesie that says horrible shit, in which case, it’s totally cool.

Lilscorpiosweet July 25, 2011 at 10:05 pm

With all this talk of how not to talk and what to type it amazes me that anyone can learn our language let alone another culture’s language.

My pet peeves is not learning the pronunciations for specific words spaghetti and potato. My daughter who is 15 does this. I have no idea if she is doing it on purpose or if she does it to aggravate me. She says pasketti and batato. It was cute when she was 5. It’s not so cute now. So this makes me constantly correct her and I know that pisses her off.

The words I despise: Kewl instead of Cool, tarded instead of Retarded and the use of it in context. Spelling things wrong in general! My husband does this and it drives me insane! He spells use = youse, very = verry, any= anny, and a whole bunch of others that for the love of this post I won’t put because it just seems wrong to go on and on about it.

Spelling errors piss me off and they piss me off worse if someone I severely despise is using them. Wont for want and anything else her meth addled brain just can’t seem to grasp of the basic English language. I swear to God that she is her own planet and I think she thinks she can get away with it. I didn’t mention that when I am face to face with this “C” word she doesn’t unclench her jaw to speak like a normal human being? I think that has to do with the meth she was on or is on. So she is talking through her teeth and I don’t know why she has a job especially at Wal-Mart. I mean for fuck’s sake she is a cashier! She is supposed to make eye contact and attempt cordiality. (I don’t go out of my way to be nice to her but I am not going to make a scene and beat her to death with my brick of cheese.)

I avoid her line as much as I can.
Lilscorpiosweet recently posted..Rooster Teeth = Cock Bite

Noa July 26, 2011 at 7:52 pm

I suddenly have a strong urge to slap your 15-year-old with a dictionary.

amy hohenadel July 25, 2011 at 10:16 pm

My favorite is “flustrated”. Sets my teeth on edge every time!

Noa July 26, 2011 at 7:53 pm

Bambalance. HRRRCKK.

Tazer WP July 26, 2011 at 12:50 am

“Are you working hard, or hardly working?”
Dude, fuck these people. If I was “hardly working” my ass would NOT be in the office to serve your obese butt at o’dark thirty in the morning. Shut the fuck up.

“Eeeeny Meeeeeny Miiiiiiiny Moe! Who wants me!”
Uh, you fucking dildo, first, this is so not the first time we’ve heard this (on the teller line at a bank), and second, go stuff your mouth full of used tampons you idiotic 5 year old. No one “wants” you, you cow patty, so just go to the first goddamn teller that calls you over.
Tazer WP recently posted..Rants of the Day

Noa July 26, 2011 at 7:54 pm

I want to live inside your brain for a day. Because you are fucking awesome.

Tazer WP July 26, 2011 at 12:55 am

Oh, also, Noa, I’m extremely disappointed that a) you’re already married and b) I’m not a lesbian. Fuck my life sucks.
Tazer WP recently posted..Rants of the Day

Noa July 26, 2011 at 7:54 pm

I feel quite weird in saying you’re not the first to say that to me. I’m so flattered.

Todd July 26, 2011 at 10:20 am

Could not agree more about the cliche wit. There is nothing that makes me grit my teeth harder than a “joke” that you can see coming before it ever gets near you. The other day I got ALMOST all the way into my office building when I realized I forgot my iPod in the car. And you know I’m not going in there without my Don’t Bother Me Buffer to keep people from speaking to me. So I turn around and start trudging back to my car. 10 steps later, here comes some broad all full of Monday Morning Sunshine, and what’s she say? “Well, THAT was a quick day!” Don’t come within striking distance…

Noa July 26, 2011 at 7:55 pm

That’s when you swing your iPod around on the headphone cord like a mace and nail her in the teeth. Because it would be awesome.

wagthedad July 26, 2011 at 2:46 pm

Oh, Noa.

You missed so much. But I forgive you. I take it to mean that you are a much nicer, sweeter person than I am. Because I hate most everybody. Except for my blog visitors. I LOVE them.

Here goes:

People who take their shoes off on airplanes.
People who fart on airplanes.
People who drink a scotch, a bloody mary and a beer on an airplane and then burp in my direction for seven hours.

People who bitch at the flight attendants on airplanes. What, the customer’s always right? Let them get the rest of us drinks and then we’ll vote about whether you get thrown off. If you land without dying, you have gotten good service. Shut the fuck up.

People who change their meal order around so much it is no longer recognizable as what is actually on the menu. If you don’t want to eat out, fucking eat at home.

People who take up the entire sidewalk because they’re holding hands with their boyfriend/girlfriend/tranny slave and their kids and their dog and their grandma. The sidewalk was not just made for you. You are lucky there is a street next to this sidewalk or you would have a shoe up your ass.

The guy standing next to me at McDonald’s today letting off random tweet-tweet whistling noises. Anybody who fucking tweet-tweet whistles anywhere in my presence, because it causes me to turn around and look for the source and you are not worth my attention.

People at the checkout counter at the grocery store who start to put their shit on the conveyor belt before all of my shit is even there. Put another thing down there and I will stick a shiv in your arm, biotch.

People at the grocery store who block the items you are looking at on the shelf even though you were there first.

People who say “I want” instead of “I would like” when ordering food.

People who use the word “inappropriate” when they really mean “white,” as in “That was really inappropriate.” Say “That wasn’t very white.”
People who use “inappropriate” in general. Fucking say what you mean.

People who don’t know the difference between its and it’s. Kill them.

BMW and Mercedes drivers. Do you have to have an asshole membership card to purchase the car, or can you apply for one at the dealer’s?


People who don’t use the toilet brush.

People who put up signs in the toilet telling other people to use the toilet brush.

People who bitch about other people eating on the train. Last week I sat next to a guy picking body lice off his body like a chimpanzee, and you’re complaining about the smell of cooked onions?

Leonardo DiCaprio.

People who can’t stand in lines. I don’t want to stand next to you. Get behind me. I prefer the idea of you staring at the back of my neck to watching your nose hair move to and fro as you contemplate cockblocking your way in front of me.

People who want to talk to me about Jesus Christ. Fuck you. Jesus would most likely hate your ass. And by the way, he’s dead.

Balding guys who let that pube patch exist on the top of their forehead, even though it’s lost all connection to the rest of the hair. Shave that shit off. Your head is not a landing strip.

I would type more, but I am now having a hatred orgasm. Thank you, Noa, for pleasuring me.
wagthedad recently posted..I Am An Asshole

Noa July 26, 2011 at 8:02 pm

To be fair, I have a huge list. I thought it imprudent of me to post them all because them I’m a psychopath. But it was awesome for you to provide the layup for me.

1. FUCK THE GROCERY STORE PEOPLE. Also the people who don’t know to set their items down on the belt, because then you have to wait until they leave to set your shit down.

2. FUCK THE LINE ASSHOLES. There’s an old man in my grocery store who regularly shouts at people and will STRAIGHT UP GET IN FRONT OF YOU in the checkout line. He’ll go in front of everyone, and no one that works there says a goddamn word. That guy better own the grocery store, because fuck that guy.

3. Adrian totally owns a BMW. I defend him by saying it’s for the engine and the drive (2002 M3) and not the label. He also owns a 1971 baby blue Cutlass Supreme and it’s a motherfucking badass.

wagthedad July 27, 2011 at 12:22 am

See, this is what happens when you invite us to share the hate. We wind up hurting Adrian. Maybe it’s just EUROPEAN BMW people.
If you tell me Adrian’s a Euro, I will make an ohnoa voodoo doll and stick a needle in its pancreas.

Reminds me of the time when I was a kid and told my friend I hated salesmen.
He looked at me and said:
“My Dad’s a salesman.”
wagthedad recently posted..I Am An Asshole

Noa July 28, 2011 at 6:13 pm

I do that kind of shit all the time. “I hate ___ name.” “That’s my name.” Oh well, why don’t I just go kill myself.

And yeah, Adrian’s 1st generation Hungarian-American.

wagthedad July 29, 2011 at 2:46 am

OK, so fuck me in the mouth with a corn cob. Soorreee Adrian. Shit.
Tell him I said “Kellemes Hétvéget” and we’ll call it even, ok?
wagthedad recently posted..My Baby is American

Noa July 29, 2011 at 11:30 pm


Meg July 26, 2011 at 8:48 pm

Good God, the sidewalk hogs. I especially hate the women who go out walking in pairs and then refuse to walk single-file for 20 seconds so I can pass them going the opposite direction, therefore making me have to run in the nasty-ass gutter or the busy street. They usually get my best “fuck you” glare.

Also, the lady yesterday who let her dog come at me as I ran past–that wasn’t cool. I wasn’t scared of the little teacup piece of shit, but I almost tripped on it and it’s leash–while RUNNING. I would’ve been seriously pissed if I’d fallen. Yeah, that’s a pet peeve. Keep your damn yappy dog in line.

Also, people who walk up right next to me when I’m doing leg lifts or some such thing at the gym. Today I almost kicked a lady who was taking a short-cut to the locker room by walking through the functional training area.

Let me also add people who leave sweaty/snotty/god-only-knows-what-y paper towels on the cardio equipment. Throw your germ rags away, I don’t want your mucous, thankyouverymuch.
Meg recently posted..Run, Run, Run

Meg July 26, 2011 at 8:49 pm

P.S. I am one of those annoying people who can’t, for the life of me, remember the difference between its and it’s. Just when I think I’ve memorized it, I realize I’ve got it backwards.

In my defense, I know how to use to, too, and two…there, their, and they’re, etc.
Meg recently posted..Run, Run, Run

Noa July 26, 2011 at 11:42 pm

Personally, I think that dog deserved a good Anchorman-Style punt if he was running at you. That’s like when I accidentally hit the children who are running around restaurants without parental supervision. Bitches.

Norway July 27, 2011 at 10:03 pm

For the one about people who take up the whole sidewalks… If there was no way to go around them, I would be SO tempted to crawl in between the legs of one of them and keep going.

Whenever I see a misplaced apostrophe I want to stab someone in the jugular. At the school I went to for the last three years, every other Wednesday they would offer nachos as a lunch option, and every single time it was spelled Nacho’s . I was always on the verge of going over to the whiteboard with the menu and erasing that stupid apostrophe, but I was way too scared of the lunch ladies.

Noa July 28, 2011 at 6:15 pm

I would ask, repeatedly, what the Nachos owned.

Kernut the Blond July 26, 2011 at 2:56 pm

Brilliant! I’d like to add a couple to the list of mispronounced words: “nuclear”, “anonymous”, and “autonomy”. Fuckin’ A, people. It’s not rocket science. (Ok, nuclear can be rocket science, but they know what I mean.)
Kernut the Blond recently posted..UPDATED – Ten Things I’ve Learned About Living In An RV

Noa July 26, 2011 at 8:03 pm

While we’re on the subject of nuclear–strategery.

RADventures July 26, 2011 at 4:36 pm


As always, I dig your unfettered rage. What do I dig even more? The fact that you told Congress to “suck my dick.” There aren’t many chicks that could pull that off, but you did just that. Fucking awesome.

RADventures recently posted..Bromances: a step-by-step guide.

Noa July 26, 2011 at 8:06 pm


As always, I dig your appreciate of unfettered rage. And I’ll tell anyone to suck my dick if they’re being enough of an asshole, because that’s the worst insult from someone with boobies.

(It’s the dudes that write in letter format in the comments. I dig that shit.)

Ashley July 26, 2011 at 8:22 pm

Slow turners. You know, when you’re turning left at a light and the asshat in the front takes his sweet-ass time and makes everyone else miss the light. OR the asshat in the oncoming traffic lane when you’re turning left at a “yield on green” who is turning right and inches his way around the corner, making you miss your window. OR people in front of you turning right into parking lots, within parking lots themselves, etc., who EVER SO SLOWLY creep around that insignificant corner as if Medusa may be waiting just around the bend. Those turns practically have a question mark. “Iiiiiiiisssss this the way I want to be goooooooingggg? Yeeeessss?”. Don’t even get me started on people who stop mid-turn. Slow turning applies to grocery shoppers with carts, too.

Noa July 26, 2011 at 11:44 pm

AUGH. I, Hand-To-God, got caught behind a man yesterday who stopped on the green and waited for the red light. Waited. Thought, “Nope, I’m good here. I’m in no hurry. I’m going to chill here.”

But it’s still a bit better than the near-vehicular-manslaughter-against-runners.

Tazer WP July 27, 2011 at 12:42 am

I almost crapped my pants tonight, thanks to you. :-)

Thanks for visiting my blog and commenting!
Tazer WP recently posted..A Spoonful of Random

Noa July 28, 2011 at 6:15 pm


opal July 27, 2011 at 8:26 am

Oh god the grocery cart one! I usually just turn and stare at them until they back up, but I may try your strategy from this point on.

My biggest pet peeve is when I’m walking in a constrained space (sidewalk, at the mall, etc) and groups of people walk 3+ abreast toward me and force me aside. I used to make way but now I just put my head down and keep walking. I have actually had people refuse to give way and run into me.

Noa July 28, 2011 at 6:17 pm

That’s when you use the bust move from Hockey. BREAK THE LINE, AND THEY LEARN THEIR LESSONS.

elizabeth- flourish in progress July 27, 2011 at 10:53 am

Motherfuckers farting. And then pretending like they didn’t fucking do it. Or laughing. That’s worse. When they own it and want you to love the smell too.
elizabeth- flourish in progress recently posted..Monday Dare: I’m not in a gang.

Noa July 28, 2011 at 6:18 pm

HRRRCCCKKKK. I know you tend to call people out who do this. I love that.

Jaclyn July 27, 2011 at 2:35 pm

You know how you have some Facebook friends who are just vague acquaintances (obviously you know this better than I do because no one reads my blog) or bullshit people you went to high school with and they friend request you and you think “I guess so… I mean, I can’t recall any specific time when I actively wanted to light them on fire”? So then you do and you regret it every single day, but you know they are the kind of people who monitor their number of friends obsessively and so if you defriend them, they will ask why and then you would have to explain that it’s because all of their statuses are just awful, misspelled pieces of shit that make you realize just how stupid they really are. Or the people who “like” stuff. The people who like all those ridiculous cliche phrases that make you wanna vomit. I think I might hate Facebook a little, come to think of it. Fucking Facebook.
Jaclyn recently posted..Damn it Feels Good

Meg July 27, 2011 at 2:46 pm

I un-friended an old high school acquaintance on Facebook (we were never close). She sent me a new friend request. I ignored it. She sent another. I ignored it. She finally sent an attempt to guilt me into reinstating our status as friends on Facebook. “Why did you un-friend me??!” Etc. etc. I replied something about trying to keep my friends list small, and only people I see on a weekly basis or some such bullshit.

And I recently un-friended two acquaintances because they were consistently making snotty remarks on my status updates or posted links…and I’ve heard from a third mutual acquaintance that they were LIVID that I un-friended them.

Oh, the drama. I’m used to it; I used to teach middle school.
Meg recently posted..Wordless Wednesday — Seven Years of Blogging, Seven Years of Homes

opal July 27, 2011 at 4:19 pm

I did a Facebook purge a couple of months ago of all the people that I knew in high school who now have repellent-to-me political/social views. It felt so good to shake off all that baggage. Recently a bunch of them all got together for dinner and one person messaged me and asked me to go to. Ha! That sounds like a trap to me.

Lilscorpiosweet July 27, 2011 at 3:31 pm

I just read your blog. You are funny in your own right and who says no one reads your blog other than you?

I know we all want Noa’s approval and once we have that we are GOLD. Anyway keep up with the funny because it would be a depressing world with no funny.
Lilscorpiosweet recently posted..Rooster Teeth = Cock Bite

Jaclyn July 28, 2011 at 12:05 pm

Thanks :)
Jaclyn recently posted..Damn it Feels Good

Noa July 28, 2011 at 6:20 pm

@Jaclyn: HIDE THEM BITCHES. That’s what that function is for. All the awesome, none of the dysfunction.

@Meg: Leave ‘em in a holding pattern–just never accept that. There’s nothing they can do then–just leave them there!

Jaclyn July 27, 2011 at 3:01 pm

Oh wait, I have one more. People who make racist comments to me because I’m white too so they think it’s ok. It’s especially funny when they make comments about immigrants or people whose first language isn’t English- JUST LIKE MY HUSBAND. I had a woman at work this week telling me all this shit about her daughter and the problem she’s having with the “the Japs” at her school. Bitch please, it isn’t okay just because neither of us is Japanese!
Jaclyn recently posted..Damn it Feels Good

Noa July 28, 2011 at 6:25 pm

That shit infuriates me. Just shut the hell up, or let me punch you in the face.

Anne July 27, 2011 at 3:21 pm

“Prolly” instead of “probably”. I can’t even tell you how much I hate that word! Drives me absolutely batty.

Noa July 28, 2011 at 6:26 pm

I agree. Probably.

Nadine July 28, 2011 at 1:48 pm

“while you’re forced to sexually gratify a howler monkey”

FYI…It’s not that bad.
Nadine recently posted..MOJITOS IN THE SUN

Noa July 28, 2011 at 6:26 pm

My experience did not go well.

Zuyen July 28, 2011 at 2:12 pm

“Chunky dunk” sounds very fun!

I hate skinny girls who claim to be fat. I don’t have mercy for these people, I am sorry but they have NO RIGHT to complain about something that isn’t true.

Skinny girl: “Omg I am so fat! ”
Me: “Yea you are, you should probably stop eating so fucking much.”

Noa July 28, 2011 at 6:28 pm

I don’t mind when skinny girls want to lose weight, but yeah, if you’re under 120, you’re not fat. It is what it is.

Magan August 3, 2011 at 1:07 am

Seriously, when the carts get closer than my gynocologist, I do what I can to drum up a fart. If I can’t do it, I know my 5 year old can, so I make him stand next to me while the fuckwad behind me continues to pretent I’m Ms. Invisble. I then proceed to encorage him with things like “Buddy, pull my finger. Oh, nothing came out.” because the little guy is competitive like me so he’ll ask me to pull his finger and inevitably rip one. I keep hoping he shits his pants one time, so I’ve been keeping spare underware in my purse. That will teach that stupid C.U. Next Tuesday behind me to not honor the unspoken “personal space” rules that every human being knows!
Magan recently posted..Opinions, Assholes, and Crap

SnarkMistress August 18, 2011 at 11:19 pm

I was just thinking about doing a pet peeve list today! One of my top 10 peeves is people who can’t seem to find the additional 15 seconds in their day to return a shopping cart to the stall. I blow a fucking gasket every time I go to the grocery store – especially when I see carts literally 5 feet from a stall. WTF douchebag? Put that shit away!
SnarkMistress recently posted..snarkmistress: Poop goes the fucking weasel, people.

Clyde September 11, 2011 at 4:55 pm

People in my in-bred hamlet actually say “tookin,” if I can hazard a guess at spelling. I was harmed enough by “Wal-Marts.” So I thought you went to the store for beer. Where is it? Oh, I tookin it inside.

Mind numbing…

Melodie February 26, 2013 at 10:17 am

When people feel the need to go 5 mph over speedbumps. Not even big speedbumps; the two inch ones you have in parking lots. Also when people don’t use to blinker when they feel the need to cross 3 lanes. Or when they feel the need to squeeze themselves into the space between me and the car in front of me. My rage burns as bright and as fierce as the deepest pits of Hell.

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