The Olympics are quickly falling behind the times. Most of the sports are a pain in the ass to watch because it’s a reminder of what a lazy fuckup you are when you see the most talented goddamn people in the world show each other up again and again.
They could at least set someone on fire and let them be the Human Torch, but time and time again they disappoint me by not committing murder.
Taekwondo? The pussiest of all martial arts, you snap-kickin’ bitch.
Canoeing? Unless it’s on Loch Ness, I would rather punch my own crotch with brass knuckles than watch.
Dressage? Sounds like Drag Queen Racing, not horses and top hats and other assorted bullshit.
Rhythmic Gymnastics? HOW IS THIS EVEN A REAL THING, YOU GIANT TWATWADS?
The Olympics need to make themselves more real and widen the playing field. Thankfully, they have me to assist.
Standard Equipment: 7 methed-out toddlers, a holding pen.
Rules: Toddlers will be released from the holding pen at the start of the round. In the shortest possible amount of time (not to exceed 5 minutes), athletes must return toddlers to holding pen.
Points Deducted For: Child Endangerment charges, bloodshed of any kind, candy bribery.
Heavy-Traffic Drag Racing
Standard Equipment: A Ford Fiesta with 1/8th tank of gas.
Rules: Athletes must navigate their Fiesta through a series of heavy-traffic conditions while racing another opponent (who is facing identical conditions.) Conditions include (but are not limited to): Texters, Heavy Bass, Talkers, Roving Deer, Rubbernecked Assholes, Aggressive Dicks, Immigrant-filled Semis, Debris, Girl Scouts, Vans full of Cheerleaders, Stalled Elderly, Scooters. Fastest time is the winner.
Points Deducted For: Vehicular manslaughter charges.
Standard Equipment: 6-Inch Platforms (must not be metal heeled), Jack Daniels.
Rules: Athletes begin course by taking 5 shots of whiskey 1/2 hour prior to race. Once on track, athletes will race opponents, while wearing heels, for 100 yards while clearing 6 hurdles. First one to cross the finish line is the winner.
Points Deducted For: Knocking over or wobbling any hurdles–all must be completely cleared. Puking.
Standard Equipment: Standard small clutch purse, acrylic nails, stiletto heels, weaves.
Rules: Each match shall last 5 rounds of 3 minutes each. At the beginning of each round, a 30 second “Ho-Bag,” session will take place, in which each Athlete’s coaches will shout a combination of expletives and drama about the athlete’s looks and boyfriends. When the bell is rung, athletes are to fight one another until knocked unconscious, an eye is lost, a weave is torn out, or a towel is thrown in. Last bitch standing wins.
Points Deducted For: Hugging, crying, and apologizing.
Almost-Divorced-Couple Synchronized Swimming
Standard Equipment: A legally documented history of irreparable marital strife, sequins.
Rules: Couples will present a 3 minute program of one partner’s choosing (second partner may not know program). First partner is to instruct and lead second partner in a synchronized program set to music. Most synchronized couple wins. Compulsory Technique: Two-person lifts (2), above-water spins (7), underwater undulations (35), one aerial move of choice.
Points Deducted For: Homicide.
Sexually Confused Wrestling
Standard Equipment: A history of sexual confusion, spandex (athletic supporters are not allowed.)
Rules: Opponents face one another in a ring. At the start of the round, both standard and cockery/vaggery techniques must be used to defeat opponent. Opponent is defeated when knocked from ring.
Points Deducted For: Spandex snapping, trading phone numbers.
Puking Cat Relay
Standard Equipment: Over-fed ill-tempered feline above 10 pounds in weight.
Rules: Teams of 4 must take one feline 1/4 mile on an expensively-carpeted track to a hardwood finish line. Athletes will race to the finish line while handing off feline to other teammates over fine-furniture checkpoints. Team who crosses the finish line first with the cat puke intact wins.
Points Deducted For: Cat puking on the carpet/furniture checkpoints during relay, tossing the cat instead of passing to other athletes, more than 8 bodily scratches.
What new Olympic sport you would watch? Did I miss any?
—Favorite Comments from The Last Post: From Hoody Hoo: “HUGE sigh of relief to have made it in… now where can I return 18 gallons of pig’s blood, a prom dress and an assault rifle?” And Andi’s Great Response: “Walmart?”