Olympic Sports I Would Actually Watch

06/20/2011 · 50 comments

in I Want This., I'm A Terrible Person, Social Services

The Olympics are quickly falling behind the times. Most of the sports are a pain in the ass to watch because it’s a reminder of what a lazy fuckup you are when you see the most talented goddamn people in the world show each other up again and again.

They could at least set someone on fire and let them be the Human Torch, but time and time again they disappoint me by not committing murder.

Taekwondo? The pussiest of all martial arts, you snap-kickin’ bitch.

Canoeing? Unless it’s on Loch Ness, I would rather punch my own crotch with brass knuckles than watch.

Dressage? Sounds like Drag Queen Racing, not horses and top hats and other assorted bullshit.

Rhythmic Gymnastics? HOW IS THIS EVEN A REAL THING, YOU GIANT TWATWADS?

The Olympics need to make themselves more real and widen the playing field. Thankfully, they have me to assist.

Toddler Herding

Standard Equipment: 7 methed-out toddlers, a holding pen.

Rules: Toddlers will be released from the holding pen at the start of the round. In the shortest possible amount of time (not to exceed 5 minutes), athletes must return toddlers to holding pen.

Points Deducted For: Child Endangerment charges, bloodshed of any kind, candy bribery.

Heavy-Traffic Drag Racing

Standard Equipment: A Ford Fiesta with 1/8th tank of gas.

Rules: Athletes must navigate their Fiesta through a series of heavy-traffic conditions while racing another opponent (who is facing identical conditions.) Conditions include (but are not limited to): Texters, Heavy Bass, Talkers, Roving Deer, Rubbernecked Assholes, Aggressive Dicks, Immigrant-filled Semis, Debris, Girl Scouts, Vans full of Cheerleaders, Stalled Elderly, Scooters. Fastest time is the winner.

Points Deducted For: Vehicular manslaughter charges.

Highest-Heel Hurdles

Standard Equipment: 6-Inch Platforms (must not be metal heeled), Jack Daniels.

Rules: Athletes begin course by taking 5 shots of whiskey 1/2 hour prior to race. Once on track, athletes will race opponents, while wearing heels, for 100 yards while clearing 6 hurdles. First one to cross the finish line is the winner.

Points Deducted For: Knocking over or wobbling any hurdles–all must be completely cleared. Puking.

BitchBoxing

Standard Equipment: Standard small clutch purse, acrylic nails, stiletto heels, weaves.

Rules: Each match shall last 5 rounds of 3 minutes each. At the beginning of each round, a 30 second “Ho-Bag,” session will take place, in which each Athlete’s coaches will shout a combination of expletives and drama about the athlete’s looks and boyfriends. When the bell is rung, athletes are to fight one another until knocked unconscious, an eye is lost, a weave is torn out, or a towel is thrown in. Last bitch standing wins.

Points Deducted For: Hugging, crying, and apologizing.

Almost-Divorced-Couple Synchronized Swimming

Standard Equipment: A legally documented history of irreparable marital strife, sequins.

Rules: Couples will present a 3 minute program of one partner’s choosing (second partner may not know program). First partner is to instruct and lead second partner in a synchronized program set to music. Most synchronized couple wins. Compulsory Technique: Two-person lifts (2), above-water spins (7), underwater undulations (35), one aerial move of choice.

Points Deducted For: Homicide.

Sexually Confused Wrestling

Standard Equipment: A history of sexual confusion, spandex (athletic supporters are not allowed.)

Rules: Opponents face one another in a ring. At the start of the round, both standard and cockery/vaggery techniques must be used to defeat opponent. Opponent is defeated when knocked from ring.

Points Deducted For: Spandex snapping, trading phone numbers.

Puking Cat Relay

Standard Equipment: Over-fed ill-tempered feline above 10 pounds in weight.

Rules: Teams of 4 must take one feline 1/4 mile on an expensively-carpeted track to a hardwood finish line. Athletes will race to the finish line while handing off feline to other teammates over fine-furniture checkpoints. Team who crosses the finish line first with the cat puke intact wins.

Points Deducted For: Cat puking on the carpet/furniture checkpoints during relay, tossing the cat instead of passing to other athletes, more than 8 bodily scratches.

What new Olympic sport you would watch? Did I miss any?

Favorite Comments from The Last Post:
From Hoody Hoo: “HUGE sigh of relief to have made it in… now where can I return 18 gallons of pig’s blood, a prom dress and an assault rifle?”
And Andi’s Great Response: “Walmart?”

 

Wagthedad June 20, 2011 at 3:05 am

Pissing While Clutching a Coked-Up Toddler in One Arm?

Standard Equipment: Toddler, Screaming, Preferably Having Just Shat Self
Button-Down Jeans

Rules: Males – Must successfully destroy urinal soap, no splattering.
Females: No sitting, no splattering.

Points Deducted for: Splattering, Dropping Child.

Noa June 20, 2011 at 5:14 pm

Whoa. Button fly? This is more along the lines of a North Korean torture camp.

Margaret Goerig June 20, 2011 at 6:23 am

Holy Fuck That’s Hot

Standard Equipment: There’s not any; it’s totally DIY.

Rules: Single opponents are in a roadside diner, serving angry customers as fast as possible but without using any plates, mugs, or standard serving utensils. This will generally involve bare hands to get food from stove to table. No mug? Big deal. Ever seen a mama bird bring her babies food?

Points Deducted For: Slow serving times; grimaces; stopping to treat third-degree burns; sneezing with coffee in mouth; bad math.

Margaret Goerig June 20, 2011 at 6:25 am

That first line was supposed to be a large headline. I thought I formatted it right but it didn’t work. : (

Noa June 20, 2011 at 5:15 pm

The first time I read the headline, I thought you were turned on by the post for some reason, and then when I figured out what it was, it was even better. Thank you.

Margaret Goerig June 21, 2011 at 7:06 am

That’s totally what I was afraid of.

unmitigated me June 20, 2011 at 6:33 am

Almost-Divorced-Couple Synchronized Swimming! All of these events are likely to generate large viewership, but I am thinking that contestants in Almost-Divorced-Couple Synchronized Swimming might sacrifice a win to “accidentally” hold the almost-ex-spouse underwater a little too long. Hey, silver and bronze are still awesome, right? And the lawyer’s bill just went way down.

Johi June 20, 2011 at 3:43 pm

Cat-Pilling timed event.

Pill a cat in under 8 seconds. No armor allowed. Points deducted for bloodshed and loss of cat under the bed or up the curtains.

All of these are excellent suggestions.

Johi June 20, 2011 at 3:46 pm

I didn’t mean to reply here- sorry, my kids are on a nap strike and it is really hard to ignore them while trying to type. Although I agree that The Almost Divorced Couple Synchronized Swimming is brilliant and I would totally tune in for that drama.

Noa June 20, 2011 at 5:17 pm

@unmitigated: The risks are high, but the reward, either way, is pretty good. You could bludgeon your spouse with your medal if you wanted as well.

@Johi: Olympics aren’t until next year, you don’t have to start training for Toddler herding already. Also, I once played that little game with Grace’s bitchcat and lost…badly.

The Onion June 20, 2011 at 7:27 am

Perfect post to read after a week long vacation hiatus from my blog roll. I’m dying ovah here.

Yours are all great, but maybe the avoid touching toilet seat squat contest? Level of difficulty is based upon location of toilet paper dispenser, trying to also keep purse on lap instead of letting it touch the floor and a malfunctioning door locks. Location? International airports.

http://www.alotoflayers.blogspot.com

Noa June 20, 2011 at 5:17 pm

Are you allowed to hang said purse around your neck or is it clutch?

Don't Make That Face June 20, 2011 at 10:55 am

Dressage? Sounds like Drag Queen Racing, not horses and top hats and other assorted bullshit.

I would totally watch this shit if it was real.

Also, high heeled hurdling? I just busted my shit drunk at 2:00 a.m. falling-on-your- face- in -the -parking -lot -while- drunkingly- crying -and -chasing -after -your -even drunker -boyfriend style just thinking about it.

Noa June 20, 2011 at 5:19 pm

I imagine in Drag Queen Dressage, that there is a lot of gold lame and the finish line is made of glitter tape. It would be amazing.

High Heel Hurdling is a skill we all must master. One step at a time, you know? First, you gotta learn to get out of the bar, then down the street, then leaping over trash cans towards cheating bastards. I, thus far, am not an Olympic contender for it.

Crystal June 20, 2011 at 12:06 pm

HAHAHAHA The toddler herding and bitch boxing would be my two favorite sports!!! You come up with the awesomest lists!

Noa June 20, 2011 at 5:19 pm

Why thank you! I’ve done a bit of BitchBoxing myself.

Angie H June 20, 2011 at 12:25 pm

I competed in the Highest-Heel Hurdles New Year’s Eve 09. I almost cleared the safety gate to the kitchen. By almost I mean that I didn’t even come close. The result was 1 cracked rib, bruised knees, bruised elbow, and one slightly f*cked up shoulder. Following that I giggled, “duh smacked” (attempted to high-five) my teenage son and 3 of his friends in the forehead, and limped to my room with a plate of cold pizza. I personally think I still deserved the Gold.

Noa June 20, 2011 at 5:21 pm

WHOA. The first part of this story was exciting, and then it’s got that WHAM-O at the end there. I love it.

I think baby gates would make great hurdles for this event–I have sad memories of leaping over a baby gate and down some stairs once, so hopefully no PTSD for me.

elizabeth- flourish in progress June 20, 2011 at 12:35 pm

If even ONE of these new sports was officially recognized by the Olympics people, I would actually watch that shit. For the first time ever. Wait, that’s a lie. I did watch Apolo Ohno last year. But that’s because he’s my bestie. I mean, don’t tell him that or anything because he doesn’t know it yet, but he is.

Noa June 20, 2011 at 5:21 pm

You could dazzle him with your bitchboxing ability, and then you’d be REAL besties. I’ve seen you throw down, he’d be impressed.

Andi June 20, 2011 at 12:40 pm

Yay, I made Favorite Comments!

I would totally watch bitchboxing. In fact, I find myself thinking I’ve watched it before — the lobby of the Venetian in Las Vegas comes to mind. The least we can do is give these women ambition and drive, and the chance to win something.

My suggestions for Olympic sports (of course, I’m only suggesting the things I’d get at least a bronze in):

Multitasking

Standard Equipment: phone, kitchen set-up, small crying child, a minimum of 2 additional children, hungry cat

Rules: Participants race against each other to complete a three-course dinner (entree and two side dishes) while comforting small child, feeding cat, assisting other children with homework and carrying on a conversation with nearest female relative.

Points Deducted For: over-reliance on prepackaged foods, dropping small child on cat, losing track of conversation.

Carpool Navigation

Standard Equipment: car, 3 children, assorted backpacks, lunch boxes and extracurricular items, elementary/middle school carpool lane

Rules: Participants race to be the first to drop their kids off at school without ramming into another car, allowing children to forget anything or engaging in conduct unbecoming to an adult.

Points Deducted for: car accidents, foul language, endangering children, allowing a child to forget his lunch, homework, science fair project or musical instrument.

Sexual Volleyball

Standard Equipment: Any two people in a relationship

Rules: Participants face each other, three feet away and fully clothed on a padded mat. Each couple must manage to convey sexual desire and/or needs without resorting to crass come-ons, grabbing the other person, or hand gestures.

Points Deducted for: Being too obvious, not being obvious enough, confusing and/or enraging the other person, passive aggressiveness.

Noa June 20, 2011 at 5:23 pm

I can tell you right now that I would be the world’s worst Sexual Volleyball contender in the world. I don’t know how to be sexy, only to grab crotch and waggle my eyebrows.

Tova June 20, 2011 at 1:04 pm

I always thought it was ridiculous that trampoline was an Olympic sport. Trampoline is something you do in your backyard in the summer.
What’s next, Olympic hide and seek?
Announcer “the Chinese have been missing for 6 days now. The French are beginning to suspect they just went home”

Noa June 20, 2011 at 5:24 pm

I FUCKING AGREE. If that’s an Olympic Sport, then 90% of my childhood was preparation. WHERE’S MY FUCKING MEDAL?

I would pay a lot of money to watch Olympic Dodgeball, as well. Let’s make those too-early-puberty bastards work for the glory.

Nic June 20, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Pooper Scooping
Equipment: that nasty shovle/rake combo thing. Any child under the age of 10 and a garbage bag lined basket.

Rules: first kid to manage to scoop 10 entire piles (without leaving behind the smudge on the grass), and not getting any of the poop on them, their shoes or their fellow contestants WIN!

Noa June 20, 2011 at 5:26 pm

Oh my God, so much of my childhood would also have led up to that moment of glory, in which I flung that plastic rake through impossibly tough grass to scoop the poop. Well played.

Handflapper June 20, 2011 at 2:32 pm

Dishwasher loading
Equipment: one week’s worth of assorted dirty plates, glasses, utensils, pots and pans
Rules: Contestants have 7 minutes to cram as many items into dishwasher as humanly possible.
Points deducted for breakage, arrangement that does not allow water/detergent to reach all item surfaces during wash cycle, failure to rinse

Noa June 20, 2011 at 5:27 pm

Is the Jet-Dry addition without up-ending the bottle all over goddamn everything worth extra?

KatieBee June 20, 2011 at 11:46 pm

Oh snap. I could win this shit for realz, yo. Just let me know when time trials begin.

Noa June 21, 2011 at 8:28 pm

I’ll stomp your ass. JUST WAIT.

Jaclyn June 20, 2011 at 3:21 pm

How about Emo Eyelining?
Equipment: Whiny teenagers, eyeliner, hot topic merchandise

Rules: Teens must line eyes while riding a mall escalator. Their parents stand on the top floor and pelt them with chain and spike decorated clothing. Best smoky eye wins!

Points Deducted for: crying, reciting poetry, threatening to commit suicide even though everyone knows you would never actually do it.

Noa June 20, 2011 at 5:29 pm

Beautiful. This would be a sight to behold.

“MA. STOP THROWING THE FISHNETS. IT KEEPS GETTING CAUGHT IN MY LIP RING.”

“YOU’RE A DISAPPOINTMENT, YOU WHINY BASTARD.”

Lilscorpiosweet June 20, 2011 at 3:29 pm

How to out wit your teenager

Rules: Parents/Adults must not resort to name calling, or threats. The objective is to out with them with your superior knowledge and/or actions.

Points deducted for: Name Calling, Temper tantrums, Threats of any kind. ‘

I would watch the toddler herding.

Noa June 20, 2011 at 5:30 pm

And here I thought parenting was just a series of very creative lies. No? I was the only one raised like that? Fuck.

Satan June 20, 2011 at 4:35 pm

i could volunteer one of my cranky ass cats for that relay. i think i’d choose the least-pukey one, though, to get an edge on the competition.

Noa June 20, 2011 at 5:31 pm

I should mention that the cats are shaken vigorously prior to the race, so the chances of puking are high. It’s the Olympics–the stakes have never been higher.

April June 20, 2011 at 5:32 pm

My recommended Olympic Sport:

Baby Balancing

Standard Equipment: A car (not a minivan with those cheater automatic doors) packed with one infant asleep in car seat, 3 full grocery bags, 1 diaper bag, fresh dry cleaning, purse, high heels (minimum 3″), newspaper and mail including at least one package minimum shoebox size, and a fresh takeout pizza order.

Rules: Get baby and all items into the house in single trip. Athletes will have to stop at front door and fish keys out of purse to open lock.

Points Deducted for: waking up baby, stepping on drycleaning, dropping anything, making second trip, getting cheese on the lid of the pizza box.

Noa June 20, 2011 at 6:47 pm

Holy shit, that’s for the pros only. And all of the reasons why I’m not having children.

April June 21, 2011 at 11:25 am

I don’t have kids either. I have a Godson though and his parents have to travel for work often and when they both happen to travel at the same time, I get to play “mommy” for the day. The first day, I called a friend of mine that has kids and asked, “Ok, so I have to load the car including the baby. Do you leave the baby in the house while you run back and forth or do you take the baby out first and buckle him in the carseat so you know exactly where he is while you run back and forth?” Once she finished laughing she told me that with practice I could get everything and everyone in one trip. This has me convinced I may not be cut out for motherhood.

Noa June 21, 2011 at 8:28 pm

Wow. Yeah. You have to take all in ONE trip? That’s why dogs have kennels, and why babies need them.

Rachael June 20, 2011 at 8:41 pm

Driving In Massachusetts

Standard Equipment: A car with really slow acceleration and out-of-state plates, a very full cup of drive-through window coffee that has that giant gaping square opening, coins strewn about the floor and seats of the car.

Rules: Contestants must enter the highway via standard on-ramps, drive down the Massachusetts Turnpike, and arrive at a designated location. The Pike will be filled with angry Massholes. Contestants must successfully navigate to the “Cash Only” lanes at the tolls and rush to find enough coins strewn on their car floor to pay each toll. Winners are decided by the order in which they arrive at the designated location.

Points deducted for: Getting hit by a Masshole, hitting a Masshole, spilling your coffee, going through the Fast Lane lanes, blocking a Fast Lane lane for more than 1 minute trying to move into the cash lanes, driving too slow, forgetting to use turn signals when changing lanes, getting lost, crying.

Disqualifiers: Being a native Masshole.

Noa June 21, 2011 at 8:29 pm

That sounds exactly like driving down I-35 towards Denton, TX. I would lose, though, because I would commit vehicular homicide on that highway, and apparently in Massachusetts at well.

Cheryl S. June 21, 2011 at 8:56 am

For Bitch Boxing, you need to award points for the BFF of each bitch in the ring. Was she immediately there when the bitch yelled “Hold my hoops! It’s on!” Can she talk smack while giving the bitch’s baby a bottle (you know she has to hold the baby too, right?)

Noa June 21, 2011 at 8:30 pm

I didn’t even think about Tag-Teaming, but it would make it so much more entertaining to watch. New Requirement: You aren’t allowed to snap off your nails at any point.

Julia June 21, 2011 at 3:43 pm

ADHD Teen Babysitting

Goal: Have a teen (say 16-18 years old ) babysit 12 Children between the ages of 3-9 with unmedicated ADHD. They will have to go through a hurdle of “Babysitting” routines such as, meal prep, feeding, Clothing, bath time and bed time.

Winner: Whoever completes the tasks and has every child asleep at the end of the day first.

Noa June 21, 2011 at 8:31 pm

I can only imagine the qualifies include pixi stix.

Rebecca Rhielle June 21, 2011 at 10:53 pm

I can only think of one more that would be a draw…

Male Toilet Paper Roll Changing

Women would line up for miles just to see that shit was a physical possibility, and they would furthermore drag their husbands’ sorry asses up there to witness it. Of course, this might backfire…Nothing like a whiny-ass man expecting a gold medal for exercising fine motor skills.

Yeah, on second thought, nevermind. As you were.

RebeccaLK June 22, 2011 at 1:29 am

How about loudest house on the block or who can dodge bill collector calls with the most finesse.

Noa June 22, 2011 at 7:07 pm

Also excellent. Gold in Loudness goes to the Gavin Household.

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