Men’s Health and No-No Parts: Clearly Unfamiliar Territory

06/27/2011 · 74 comments

in Psychological Warfare, Sadist Vagina, What Is Wrong With You?

Men’s Health: My number one go-to source for “Jesus Christ, are they fucking serious?” has bequeathed us all with a list of electronic tools that double as sex toys. As can be expected, their suggestions are a terrible montage of shit.

1. Electric Toothbrush:

Buy one just for this purpose: Cover it with a sheet, turn it on, and gently run the vibrating head against her inner thighs, labia, and clitoris, says sex columnist Dina Al-Sabah.

“Mmmm, baby, does that make you hot?”
“What smells minty?”
“Nothing, nothing, just…relax. Yeah, take that.”
“Wait…is that your fucking toothbrush, Ted?”
“You wanna just try again some other time when you’ve pulled your head out of your ass?”

There should never be a time in anyone’s life that they look at their toothbrush and get horny. Unless you have an extremely specific Toothfairy fetish, to which I say, “Good on ya.”

2. iPod:

The iBuzz Vibrator attachment stimulates her in time to music. Works best with bass-heavy tunes.

You know what band features a lot of heavy bass? Cannibal Corpse. Perhaps it’s just me, but I don’t really get all hot and fuck-y when I hear their romantic melody Bloody Chunks. I’m weird, I know.

Perhaps this is the OCD talking, but when I look at your iPod/iPhone, the only thing I can think of is where mine has been, and presumably yours as well. The cat. The floor of the garage. In the freezer. In the bathroom. On your Nana.

And then you want to shove it in my hoohoo.

No. Fucking. Thank you.

Someone hand me the Clorox.

3. Cellphone:

Send well-timed, romantic text messages to your love interest. Once you’re dating, your texts can grow a bit more….interesting.

It is in no way furthering our relationship for me to get a message in the middle of church with what I can only assume is a map of Tokyo’s Subway tattooed on a pig’s teat. Seriously homie, stop texting me with pictures of the bottom of your nutsack. Hrrrckkk. Gagged there, sorry.

There are two problems with this suggestion:

1. Are you trying to get sexiness out of the vibrations? Cause I’ll be honest with you, I’m gonna run you out of monthly texts before we really get going, and I can think of 100 easier and much more fun ways to get there.

2. You’re just playing Angry Birds aren’t you, you sneaky fuck?

4. Exercise Bike:

Breaking a sweat together before you really break a sweat together can put you both in the mood.

Was it 16 Candles that they tried this with two teenagers and a lot of mousse, that will forever haunt my dreams and memories of infomercials?

Well, the answer is yes, but lesson learned here: Never, ever do a Google Image search for, “Exercise Bike Sex Scene.”

Though strange, Sigourney was the only result that wasn't just dicks.

When was the last time you saw a legit exercise bike? Unless they’re talking about those pussy bikes where you kick back and flail around for 45 minutes and call it a workout, the contraptions they have in my gym are the furthest thing from sexy.

Elliptical Sex? That just sounds downright painful, what with the bending and the bowing. Ouch, goddamn it, ouch.

Bowflex Sex? I imagine it to be a lot like BDSM, which may or may not have been what Men’s Health had in mind.

Tony Little’s Gazelle Sex? I’m not even going to lie, it would be kind of awesome to see. Shwhoosh-Shwhoosh-Shwhoosh-SEX.

Bench Press sex? Honestly brings up images of prison. And that’s not okay.

Men’s Health: Will the carnage never end? Will you ever teach men something that’s even kind of useful? You’re doing a hell of a job making sure than no man ever gets laid ever based off your advice OHWAITIGETITNOW.

By giving shitty advice, you keep your customers coming back, because they’ll need more advice when they take your original advice.

You sneaky twatwaffles. I’m on to you.

What is the worst advice about sex you’ve ever seen or heard?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From RADventures: “Ahhhh, so Noa wants us to slapfight. This is like frat boys who pay homeless people to beat the shit out of each other in a poverty-induced Fight Club. Pardon the obvious pun here, but I’ll not get dragged into a literary cockfight, Noa.”


Johi June 27, 2011 at 8:46 am

You have become part of my morning routine: Coffee, ignore child’s wake up call, Noa, brush teeth, be a mother.
Now I will never look at my toothbrush the same.
And I agree, man-parts aren’t really text material. Especially when zoom and “creative angles” are used. *shudder*
Johi recently posted..Happiness is a Berry Good Salad (and some other stuff)

Noa June 27, 2011 at 3:58 pm

Wow, thank you Johi! Glad to know that Noa and Coffee start your day before your kids. That’s a huge compliment. I also note that toothbrush is not part of your routine, though I can imagine why, now.

Jaclyn June 27, 2011 at 8:56 am

Ipods are fucking expensive. Even if you can get past the grossness, that’s just fiscally irresponsible. Vibrators don’t cost $300. And the toothbrush thing? God, what a bunch of fucking weirdos.

Noa June 27, 2011 at 3:59 pm

RIGHT? That’s $200 and a 2 year contract if you use your iPhone, and Apple products are made of osteoporosis bones, so that shit will crack in a heartbeat. Why waste your money when there are, you know, vibrators.

Mrs. Bitch June 27, 2011 at 11:35 am

Well, any guy who reads that shit and believes it is a tool , so he’s halfway there already. All he really needs to do is figure out some way to hook up his magnificent member to some electricity and BAM! let the romance begin.

The toothbrush thing: seriously, a dry sheet being fwapped at 90 miles an hour on your clit? Sounds like a good way to get kicked in the nuts to me.
Mrs. Bitch recently posted..Boogers and tampons and diapers — oh, my!

Noa June 27, 2011 at 3:59 pm

Nothing says romance like Crest Spinbrush.

Courtney June 27, 2011 at 11:41 am

Cosmo, which when it comes to advice-giving is the female counterpart to Men’s Health, suggested that women should tickle their men’s testicles with makeup brushes. I can’t think of a better way of breaking in my new Lancome brush than using it on a dude’s junk.

Noa June 27, 2011 at 4:00 pm

I will only do that if I get to glitter them, because who wouldn’t love a sparkly nutsack?

Andi June 27, 2011 at 11:45 am

Two fast ways to improve your sex life, male or female:

1) Hie thee to the internet. Buy a vibrator (average cost $30). Experiment.
2) Stop reading Men’s Health.

I do have to say the worst sex advice award still goes to Cosmo, for their advice to put your scrunchie around the guy’s nutsack. Or possibly the entire kit. Or something. I was unable to finish reading that section because I was overtaken by hysterical laughter. I kind of get what they are going for but ya know, cockrings exist. And given where most of us keep our grotty old ’90s scrunchies, I’m not sure I’d put them near anyone’s nether regions. I’m also dying to know who experiments with that stuff? “Come here, honey. What, this scrunchie? No, that’s for my hair. Don’t look behind my back.”
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Noa June 27, 2011 at 4:01 pm

Adrian thought for a long time that when I said scrunchie I meant alligator clip, which would have led to a horrible and bleed-y conclusion.

wagthedad June 28, 2011 at 10:58 pm

REALLY. Thing is, guys don’t give a shit about scrunchies or scarves or leather bags, not unless the guy has an obvious fetish about something. Cosmo and Men’s Health should get together and have sex. They’d be all “smear his sack with bacon and attach the alligator clip while whispering words like “f*)%( ” and “grilled cheese” and oh, it would also help if you tell him you read Playboy because women who are into porn really turn men on and also beer-burp in her ear to make it frat-boyey and frisky and ladies, pretend that you’re in a drunken coma to envigorate his date-rape fantasies. Write greek letters on your upper thighs. Draw arrows pointing to the mound of Venus.”

AGGGGGGHHHH. Cosmo should stop trying to tell women how to turn men on. Because turning men on is soooo easy! You just go there, and do stuff with it. When it’s ready, you have sex with it. That’s it. Jesus. A million times easier than pleasing a woman. Not that I’m complaining; the challenge is good. And I guess what I’m saying is that Men’s Health, in choosing this topic, is more relevant than Cosmo.

But, my God. Whatever happened to just feeling your way around and seeing what works? Listening? It’s something that requires learning and yes, trial-and-error, but do we have to read about toothbrushes and ipods? Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for having sex with inanimate objects, but how about just seeing if you can use parts of your body to get her off? Hmmm?

And therein lies the problem: you can’t teach anyone how to listen, and respond, you can only tell them to stick a toothbrush in there and see what happens. If you don’t get smacked, it must be a turn on.

@Noa: I start my day with you, too. Since I discovered that my creator doesn’t work at 5:00 A.M. Dammit.
wagthedad recently posted..The Purpose of Having Children is to Become Rich

Noa June 29, 2011 at 12:32 am

Oh Wag, you are fucking fantastic. You’re so perfectly on point and raw and it’s so. fucking. funny.

But, sadly right. The old ways of slamming your junk together and keeping what works are long gone. These days, it’s all about innovation and tools and glossy magazines and sometimes diamonds n’shit around your junk and it’s taking all the fun out of the good ol’ process of doin’ it.

I’ll be honest with you, it’s also not that hard to please a woman. We’re not asking too much, I don’t think–just don’t be an a-hole and mindlessly hump away while staring at the wall.

Oh, I’m the only one ever that’s happened to? Fuck.

Dangerboy June 27, 2011 at 12:20 pm

Hilarious as always.
The worst sex advice I’ve ever heard? It was a guy asking about how to get his girl to try the booty bang-bang. The advice? “There’s always the ‘Oops I slipped’ method. Just be ready with a dozen roses.”
Dangerboy recently posted..5 Things I Think, June 27th

Noa June 27, 2011 at 4:02 pm

Why thank you!

In that case, you’d need the roses that you can imprint with a message in gold. Perhaps, “Sorry ’bout your butt?” “You don’t have to get all butt-hurt?” “Rooty Tooty I banged your booty?”

Dangerboy June 28, 2011 at 10:12 am

You win with “Rooty tooty I banged your Booty.” Impressive. Most Impressive.
But I can’t look at IHOP the same way now.
Dangerboy recently posted..5 Things I Think, June 27th

Noa June 28, 2011 at 3:41 pm

Your pancakes are now tainted.

Bill G. March 17, 2012 at 11:43 am

Ah yes, the ole Southern Trespass. The “men’s” (read “fratboy”) magazines seem to think that the solution to any transgression (intentional or otherwise) is to have a dozen roses at the ready. My wife, who I lived in sin with for 2 years before marrying, is really sucker for that shit–NOT. I’d be laying on the floor cupping my freshly kicked balls while she says, “See those half-destroyed flowers over there? That’s your fucking dinner.”

eva June 27, 2011 at 12:37 pm

Cosmo a million years ago said to put a gummi-saver candy around the base of a gentleman’s cock. Now, I may have just been lucky in love, but what?

Noa June 27, 2011 at 4:03 pm

Um. What?

I can’t get my pinky through that shit at maximum stretching point. If you married a dick that…narrow, I suppose, then you have–ahem–much larger issues at hand.

Caprice June 27, 2011 at 1:45 pm

I remember reading in The Joy of Sex years ago that the man should rub his hand in the woman’s armpit and then shove his hand in her face so she can smell how rank she is. If at any time a a man shoves a smelly hand in my face, it is highly unlikely I’ll stick around for any more tomfoolery! (Tomfoolery is my new favorite word. I spent a whole 5 minutes trying to think of a way to get it into my comment.)
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Noa June 27, 2011 at 4:05 pm

I love the word rapscallion. It’s my new one.

Also, HRRRRCKCKKKK. Fucking. Gross. Your armpit? Why don’t you just slap your balls across my face? It’s be just as pleasant.

wagthedad June 28, 2011 at 11:02 pm

Though I do have to say that armpit rankness is not as bad as the tomfoolery of sticking an ipad into a woman’s vagina.

Not into body odor myself, but pheromones are a turn-on….
wagthedad recently posted..The Purpose of Having Children is to Become Rich

Noa June 29, 2011 at 12:00 am

While you do have a point, I think the hippies who wrote Joy of Sex missed the mark on the explanation of pheromones by directing the exploration towards…the armpits.

Though I distinctly remember Cosmo once recommending that women lick the armpits of their lovers.

Norway July 16, 2011 at 4:25 pm

Oh no. I’m on my iPad while reading this comment… And now I’m just a little bit scared of it.

Noa July 17, 2011 at 11:27 pm

Stare at your iPad and consider it’s dimensions.


Satan June 27, 2011 at 1:53 pm

anything that Cosmo has written, ever. their sex advise sucks and furthermore their entire fucking magazine is devoted to “what makes men happy.” um, how about they teach women to please themselves – the guys would like that a whole lot more than “use an ice cube on their dick.”
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Noa June 27, 2011 at 4:05 pm

I swear they only ever wrote 6 issues of Cosmo and just keep re-headlining. Sneaky bastards.

Lilscorpiosweet June 27, 2011 at 3:02 pm

I was watching a 1,000 ways to die and this one guy hooked up a cow heart he bought at the store to a car battery and started getting it on with the heart while it was pumping/beating. I guess he got a wild hair up his ass or something because he wanted the beating to be faster and decided to hook it into the wall outlet. Let’s just say fluids and electricity do not mix. He died from having sex with the cow heart. I can just imagine what they put on the death certificate. Which makes me wonder how they would word it so that the family or who ever stumbles across the death certificate doesn’t burst out laughing.

Worst sex advice I had ever seen. I deliberately pointed out to my male children to never ever ever do that. They asked me if it was true.. I told them its a 1,000 ways to die of course these are based off of real stuff.
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Noa June 27, 2011 at 4:06 pm

How desensitized to masturbation must you be to want to fuck a literal heart? And then to try and amp it up? Good lord. The circumstances surrounding that are terrifying.

RADventures June 28, 2011 at 2:38 pm

Honestly, fellas…if you’re old enough to get laid, you’re old enough to walk into a sex shop and buy a vibrator, rather than scour your residence for an appliance that will work as a substitute. It’s like being bashful about buying condoms, so you use a Ziploc bag or aluminum foil or any other non-permeable wrapper to keep your weak swimmers in check.

If you select any of the suggested devices in the Men’s Health article, here’s what you’re actually saying:
—Electric toothbrush: “Baby, I love you, but I’m concerned about that tartar buildup on your vagina. Let’s take care of that. Vaginal gingivitis is no joke.”
—iPod: “I’ve been dying to justify the expense of buying a new-generation iPod. If I actually lose my old iPod in your vagina, I’ll finally be able to do it.”
—Cell phone: “I’m telling you to focus on the vibration, even while I use my camera phone to snap a photo of your vag from an inch away, which I will later text to all of my friends and ultimately post on Facebook when we split up.”
—Exercise bike: “Baby, I’m incapable of achieving orgasm unless I have a bike seat jammed up my ass.”

RADventures recently posted..Drinking beer. Father of the year. Not mutually exclusive.

Noa June 28, 2011 at 3:42 pm

Perhaps it’s just me, but I think I would notice, and become immediately concerned, with an iPod jammed in the hoohah.

But, it would make a really fun call to the OBGYN.

KatieTheBlogLady June 27, 2011 at 5:30 pm

Um, someone once told me it’s cool to stick your finger up a dude’s asshole when he’s about to cum to intensify his orgasm. I am so not down with fudgesicle finger . . . but I guess I could try using my electric toothbrush instead.
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Noa June 27, 2011 at 9:02 pm

I can think of nothing that would jerk someone’s orgasm away from them faster than a surprise rear invasion. But hey, I’m also not going to fuck my own toothbrush, so what do I know?

Rahma December 30, 2012 at 8:49 pm

My favorite part of Low Impact Week? Hmmm…there were deiitfnely more than one! 1.) Enjoying the elements: I normally hate “weather” – I don’t like wind, I don’t like rain…but this week, I listened to the rain outside my window and knew it was nurturing my new veggie garden; I watched as the winds dried my clothes on the clothesline we installed this week. I also ran outside this week for exercise, instead of using my trusty treadmill. It was windy, but warm and sunny and I got to see parts of the neighborhood I’ve never seen.2.) Talking to others about LIW: I also enjoyed the chance to educate people through my actions. I used a cloth handtowel at work and was asked about it by a couple of co-workers. My husband tolerated my actions at first, but even he became curious and asked questions about recycling and local foods. 3.) Eating close to home: Speaking of local foods, we tried a lot more varieties of local produce and meat than we had in the past. I got to check out a new area farmer’s market sponsored by a community garden, which I’m considering volunteering for. I learned a lot from others, and I think they learned a little from me, as well.4.) Awareness: This week made me acutely aware of all the conveniences we take for granted – I didn’t realize just how many miles I drive per week, how much trash I produce, how wasteful I am with food. Now that my eyes are opened a little wider, I plan to do my best to keep them open and continue on this low-impact path…

elizabeth- flourish in progress June 27, 2011 at 8:05 pm

Congratulations. You just made my trip to Sin City seem like a visit to a trip to a convent with this…because really, what’s a few pole dancers and shirtless Jersey shore guys when you’ve got sex with a toothbrush.

Worst advice? “Don’t worry, you really can’t tell the difference between a small penis and a big penis,” said the man with a small penis.
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Noa June 27, 2011 at 9:03 pm

You fell off a table in Vegas and got in a fight, I think, at one point. This post has NOTHIN’ on you, homie.

You know who can tell the difference between a large and small penis? Every woman ever.

thehaughtylibrarian June 27, 2011 at 8:36 pm

I am pretty sure they stole the toothbrush idea from The Big Bang Theory! hahahaha! There was a joke last season from the Amy Farah Fowler character saying she uses one for that purpose. Maybe they thought it was a true story?
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Noa June 27, 2011 at 9:04 pm

I want to know these people who repurpose toothbrushes for such endeavors, because I will personally donate a vibrator to them for hygienic reasons.

Mandi June 27, 2011 at 11:04 pm

What?! This is brilliant advice! Men’s Health is taking a brilliant new approach to sexual health and responsibility here! These nuggets of wisdom will have men rushing to impress women with their new tricks. These women will then balk in terror and confusion thus not becoming pregnant by a man with a small enough brain to try this in the first place. Those initial unwanted pregnancies aren’t the only bennie here though. As those same women are shouting”the F*@k you doin?!” they’re are delivering blunt force vasectomies to these idiot males and saving all womankind from them. Kudos Men’s Health for really looking out for women on this one!

Noa June 28, 2011 at 3:43 pm

This really put the article in a new light for me. Suddenly I see Men’s Health as a weird sort of forced eugenics program.

retailserf June 27, 2011 at 11:22 pm

Worst sex advice I’ve ever seen: During the Swine Flu epidemic a couple of winters ago, Cosmo advised readers to be safe by having sex in reverse-cowgirl position, as the lack of mouth-to-mouth contact would (they felt) reduce the risk of catching Swine Flu from a partner. There was an illustration, as well.
So how awkward is that? “You be all up in my vag, but you can’t kiss me. Swine Flu, you know. I’m just going to back up on you, and we’ll leave it at that.”

Noa June 28, 2011 at 3:45 pm

That advice alone is why there are so many STD’s.

Bill G. March 17, 2012 at 11:53 am

This is ridiculous. If you’re having sex with somebody (or even sleeping in their bed), you’re sharing germs, end of story. Unless you’re walking through the front door in a biohazard suit connected to forced-air everyday, you’re pissing in the wind with the reverse cowgirl thing.

Julia June 28, 2011 at 7:38 am

These articles are the BEST…they help us weed out the idiot men who read them. Honestly if you are dating some guy who says “Okay baby, I’m going to Rock your world…tuck my iphone into your Cochie Snorcher while I text message you..” is someone you seriously want to consider getting rid of….

Just saying…..

Noa June 28, 2011 at 3:46 pm

There are too many men who think punching you in the crotch is turning you on, let’s not give them tools.

Julia June 28, 2011 at 7:04 pm

On the flip side girls are sometimes idiots too… I once had a girl tell me to HUM while giving BJ’s and it would drive my guy wild….

Turns out putting dick in your mouth and humming to the Brady Bunch really does nothing for them… Whoda thunk??
Julia recently posted..i’d rather gouge my eyes out with a pencil!

Noa June 28, 2011 at 9:55 pm

I just imagined giving someone a blowjob while humming Chuck Mangeoni.


wagthedad June 28, 2011 at 11:04 pm

No humming necessary. No breathmints. No candy. No tongue piercing. Just blow. Any man who needs more is too high maintenance and self-obsessed to screw.
wagthedad recently posted..The Purpose of Having Children is to Become Rich

Noa June 28, 2011 at 11:58 pm

Thank you. That is absolutely good advice to know. Begs the question, why doesn’t Cosmo just say, “Blow him, girl. That’s it, just be down to go down.”

THK June 28, 2011 at 8:02 am

This is for you:

The iGASM.
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Noa June 28, 2011 at 3:47 pm


Fred Miller June 28, 2011 at 11:00 am

A 1967 Camaro with a four-on-the-floor. The three-quarter cam creates a surging effect that gets her off in seconds.
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Julia June 28, 2011 at 11:35 am

Spoken like someone who doesn’t have a clit… ;)
Julia recently posted..i’d rather gouge my eyes out with a pencil!

Noa June 28, 2011 at 3:49 pm

In a ’67 Camaro, I’m going to have to back Fred’s claim here. That’s a motherfucking awesome car. I’d be turned on just sitting in it, not gonna lie.

elizabeth- flourish in progress June 28, 2011 at 1:36 pm

You have the best comments EVER.
elizabeth- flourish in progress recently posted..Monday Dare: This probably means I’m a genius

Noa June 28, 2011 at 3:50 pm

It’s true.

Angie H June 28, 2011 at 3:40 pm

Last night I had to stop my grooming routine twice because of your post. My tenant downstairs gets Men’s Health. He probably thinks I’m polishing the princess! He’s probably giggling to himself and getting ready for a hot date with his iPhone. GREAT!
Angie H recently posted..Are YOU Embarrassing Your Children? Try harder!

Noa June 28, 2011 at 3:52 pm

I share in your experience, because I had to go to the dentist yesterday, and I couldn’t stop laughing the whole way through.

Angie H June 29, 2011 at 3:08 pm

Did you get drilled? Because then maybe it WAS sexual.
Angie H recently posted..Sucking up to Apple… HARD.

Noa July 1, 2011 at 4:00 pm

Actually, yes.

Kim June 28, 2011 at 4:11 pm

Dear Men, here’s an idea: use your mouth…. Shocking, I know. It’s kind of like a blow job, but with less gagging. You’re welcome. Kim
Kim recently posted..I want to live in a world where Mrs. Brady doesn’t have crabs, as far as we know.

RADventures June 28, 2011 at 6:15 pm

Since I’m using my mouth, is it cool if I keep the electric toothbrush in there? Just trying to establish proper etiquette.
RADventures recently posted..Drinking beer. Father of the year. Not mutually exclusive.

Kim June 28, 2011 at 6:55 pm

You might be onto something…..!
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Noa June 28, 2011 at 9:56 pm

So, awkward, but there is a device which you can strap to your tongue that..vibrates. Wouldn’t that just make you gag?

Bill G. March 17, 2012 at 11:55 am

No doubt. Guys, you’ll fail Relationship 101 if you can’t pass the oral.

The Young Girl June 29, 2011 at 12:29 pm

One of my friends told me a story of when she was fooling around with her man and a new vibrating toy. All of sudden they both smelled smoke. The her man looks at her and says “are you making toast?” And then she totally wigged the fuck out because the toy had shorted and was on fire in her twat. Perhaps the toothbrush would be safer… or maybe just don’t buy cheap toys.
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Noa March 19, 2012 at 11:44 pm

That’s the most horrifying imagery I can imagine.

danielle July 1, 2011 at 12:53 am

Or Men’s Health might recommend: ask your partner to show you how to “do” her… if it involves electric toothbrushes, beard/ear hair trimmers, and a cell phone protected by a condom- great. God forbid she might ask for a couple of fingers or a tongue… or both!! What a fucking prude asking for fingers and a tongue!

Seriously, covering ANYTHING in a bed-sheet and heading for moist (not sure how I feel about that word, but I am going with it), sensitive areas sounds like someone asking for a handjob with 20-grit sandpaper.

Noa March 19, 2012 at 11:47 pm

Moist is a word that offends me more than tranny. It makes my skin crawl, and even I cannot explain that.

Rebecca (justfiveminutesmore) July 22, 2011 at 1:46 pm

Ack! I just used no-no parts for the very first time in my blog post last night and I’ve never heard it called that before. I’m either channeling you, or I saw this somewhere and subconsciously hijacked the term. Either way, sorry about that – I </3 plagiarism, even the accidental (psychic?) kind.
Rebecca (justfiveminutesmore) recently posted..You say burka, they say burqa, I say nothing at all. Until now.

Noa July 22, 2011 at 9:18 pm

I’m not going to bust you for plagiarism for what I rightfully stole from Elmo. We’re cool.

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