Men’s Health: My number one go-to source for “Jesus Christ, are they fucking serious?” has bequeathed us all with a list of electronic tools that double as sex toys. As can be expected, their suggestions are a terrible montage of shit.
1. Electric Toothbrush:
Buy one just for this purpose: Cover it with a sheet, turn it on, and gently run the vibrating head against her inner thighs, labia, and clitoris, says sex columnist Dina Al-Sabah.
“Mmmm, baby, does that make you hot?”
“What smells minty?”
“Nothing, nothing, just…relax. Yeah, take that.”
“Wait…is that your fucking toothbrush, Ted?”
“You wanna just try again some other time when you’ve pulled your head out of your ass?”
There should never be a time in anyone’s life that they look at their toothbrush and get horny. Unless you have an extremely specific Toothfairy fetish, to which I say, “Good on ya.”
The iBuzz Vibrator attachment stimulates her in time to music. Works best with bass-heavy tunes.
You know what band features a lot of heavy bass? Cannibal Corpse. Perhaps it’s just me, but I don’t really get all hot and fuck-y when I hear their romantic melody Bloody Chunks. I’m weird, I know.
Perhaps this is the OCD talking, but when I look at your iPod/iPhone, the only thing I can think of is where mine has been, and presumably yours as well. The cat. The floor of the garage. In the freezer. In the bathroom. On your Nana.
And then you want to shove it in my hoohoo.
No. Fucking. Thank you.
Someone hand me the Clorox.
Send well-timed, romantic text messages to your love interest. Once you’re dating, your texts can grow a bit more….interesting.
It is in no way furthering our relationship for me to get a message in the middle of church with what I can only assume is a map of Tokyo’s Subway tattooed on a pig’s teat. Seriously homie, stop texting me with pictures of the bottom of your nutsack. Hrrrckkk. Gagged there, sorry.
There are two problems with this suggestion:
1. Are you trying to get sexiness out of the vibrations? Cause I’ll be honest with you, I’m gonna run you out of monthly texts before we really get going, and I can think of 100 easier and much more fun ways to get there.
2. You’re just playing Angry Birds aren’t you, you sneaky fuck?
4. Exercise Bike:
Breaking a sweat together before you really break a sweat together can put you both in the mood.
Was it 16 Candles that they tried this with two teenagers and a lot of mousse, that will forever haunt my dreams and memories of infomercials?
Well, the answer is yes, but lesson learned here: Never, ever do a Google Image search for, “Exercise Bike Sex Scene.”
When was the last time you saw a legit exercise bike? Unless they’re talking about those pussy bikes where you kick back and flail around for 45 minutes and call it a workout, the contraptions they have in my gym are the furthest thing from sexy.
Elliptical Sex? That just sounds downright painful, what with the bending and the bowing. Ouch, goddamn it, ouch.
Bowflex Sex? I imagine it to be a lot like BDSM, which may or may not have been what Men’s Health had in mind.
Tony Little’s Gazelle Sex? I’m not even going to lie, it would be kind of awesome to see. Shwhoosh-Shwhoosh-Shwhoosh-SEX.
Bench Press sex? Honestly brings up images of prison. And that’s not okay.
Men’s Health: Will the carnage never end? Will you ever teach men something that’s even kind of useful? You’re doing a hell of a job making sure than no man ever gets laid ever based off your advice OHWAITIGETITNOW.
By giving shitty advice, you keep your customers coming back, because they’ll need more advice when they take your original advice.
You sneaky twatwaffles. I’m on to you.
What is the worst advice about sex you’ve ever seen or heard?
—Favorite Comment From The Last Post: From RADventures: “Ahhhh, so Noa wants us to slapfight. This is like frat boys who pay homeless people to beat the shit out of each other in a poverty-induced Fight Club. Pardon the obvious pun here, but I’ll not get dragged into a literary cockfight, Noa.”