Letters to Insufferable Members of Society: People Who Are Way Too Into Something

06/01/2011 · 103 comments

in Fetish, Letters to Insufferable Members of Society, What Is Wrong With You?

Dear People Who are Way Too Into Something:

Jesus, just shut the fuck up already.

Whether it’s Bieber or Twilight or motherfucking Picasso, I just could not give a shit less after your first 30 lectures about how they, and therefore you, are superior. Because really, that’s all you’re trying to prove; how fucking majestic you are because you love _________. And really, I just could not care less.

Did you know there is a Twilight Dildo? That’s fucked up in ways that I cannot even fathom. That’s some quantum stupid going on where you love a book series so much that when you say, “I really want to have sex with this book,” you are absolutely not joking. Shove some ice up in your ol’ twatwaffle, and it’s $40 less of pretty much the same stupidity.

When you’re threatening death to Selena Gomez for having an ordinary relationship, all the while tweeting about how you’d absolutely have sex with her teenage boyfriend, Justin Bieber, I stop thinking you’re hilariously dumb and we’re slammed right into scary scary land. You’re looking into a future of specials on Investigation Discovery–is that really what you want with your life?

  • Did you get a tattoo of a Jon Stewart on your lower back?
  • Are you a grown woman who cries, absolutely inconsolably, when Bieber gets a haircut?
  • Have you ever shit your pants rather than pause Fried Green Tomatoes?
  • Have you ever consulted a physician to complete your transformation into Lady Gaga, Mother Monster?
  • Have you ever knifed someone in the face for trying to talk some sense into your closet-dwelling, non-shower-taking-until-the-new-Cricut-Cutter-is-released ass?

Do you love The Greatest American Hero so hard that you shit American Flags?

Then fuck you and the incapacitated horse you rode in on.

I admit to being a geek girl. It’s that love for some anime and gaming and Star Wars that I grapple with in certain situations because talking to the wrong people leads me into scary scary land as well. But I have not and will not wait for 9 months outside GameStop with a colostomy bag and IV nutrition until the new installation of Portal came out, but I’m sure there were more than one that did. Know the line, know your limits.

Really, what are you doing for mankind carrying yourself in such a manner? Look at yourself, woman, you’re fucking ridiculous at 64 in a Sailor Venus costume (when we all know Sailor Mars was the shit). When is the last time you washed that cooch? If you have to think about it, then Jesus H. Christ I don’t even know what we’d be dealing with down there. Better bring a machete.

If you ever find yourself wanting to fuck a book, or slice the throat of a cheery Disney star, or tattoo Ron Paul’s face on your gooch, please take a step back.

Look at your choices. Look at what you have become. These things don’t love you back. Puppies love you back. People love you back–real people, not glittery, shiny people. Those glittery, shiny people could perhaps be aliens sent here to harvest our organs and I told you not to touch them but you didn’t listen and now they’ve enslaved us all and made a cookbook called To Serve Man and I want to rip your pancreas right out with a bendy straw.

You’re putting yourself up there with catastrophic levels of cheesedickery. Just–just stop.

For the good of us all.

Love From,

Noa D. Gavin

I’m well aware there are normal fans out there, and I don’t mean you. You can enjoy books and celebrities and other assorted things and you don’t bother anyone. I mean your crazy Aunt Marge and her Twilight Dungeon.

What’s the craziest thing you or someone you know has obsessed over?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Dear HoodyHoo: “Why is it that wax sculptures of most people look like creepy versions of, well, PEOPLE, but the ones of Reagan always look like the fake puppet-Reagan from that weird Genesis video? And Chuckweasel and I survived a similar HellBus at Arlington National Cemetery last summer… they took us out in the middle of nowhere and LEFT us to fry in the hot, hot sun! Note to self — have headstone equipped with water fountain so as to be most popular with the tourists…”
WagtheDad June 1, 2011 at 4:59 am

That’s right. She said it.

Fucking hell. Reminds me of that SNL sketch from the 80s about the Mr. Belvedere help group.

“My name is Mark and I love Mr. Belvedere. I know that it’s OK to think about Mr. Belvedere 24/7, but it’s not OK to try to steal his underwear from the laundry.”
“My name is Sheila and I love Mr. Belvedere. I know that it’s OK to want to be with him all the time, but it’s not OK to compulsively masturbate during every episode or whenever I’m standing on the sidewalk outside his house at 2 in the afternoon.”
“My name is Dan and I love Mr. Belvedere so much I want to cut off pieces of his face and make a mask out of them.”

Get a life, sick fuckers.

Noa June 1, 2011 at 11:42 pm

OH MY GOD. Good memories of classic SNL. I forgot about that skit, but it is just perfect for this situation.

Tova June 1, 2011 at 5:38 am

I;m printing this and handing it out.

My problem is that I like things that people get crazy obsessed over, like firefly and Harry Potter. I like Harry Potter enough to name my orange cat Weasley, but that is it. I think the people who write pornographic fan fiction and buy Hermione’s wand from sky mall just make everyone who likes the books looks bad.

And don’t get me started on Twilight Fans.
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Noa June 1, 2011 at 11:44 pm

It’s totally cool to like these things. I don’t even mind when people like Twilight–it’s not my cup of tea, but hey. (PS–Don’t ever fucking apologize for liking Firefly. Malcolm Reynolds is bad-fucking-ass.) I just don’t understand those who genuinely think they are wizards at 45. That’s beyond me.

hoodyhoo June 1, 2011 at 6:20 am

A-fucking-MEN! And the worst part is, the truly-obsessed weirdos make the rest of us regular fans look bad — like, I stood in line for Star Wars tickets when the prequels came out, but I did NOT dress up like a Hooker Wookie (seriously, saw it). There is a LINE, people! Do Not Cross!
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Julia June 1, 2011 at 6:32 am

Hoody… you saw how long it took me to find that hooker wookie get up… Why you so judgemental????

Noa June 1, 2011 at 11:45 pm

Yeah–the scaryscary fans make it tough on normal geeks. “I like Star Wars,” “I KNOW EVERYTHING EVER ALWAYS,” “Okay. That’s cool.” “FUCK YOU, NON-FAN.” Shit is nuts. Also, HookerWookie might be added to the twatwaffle dictionary.

Julia June 1, 2011 at 6:29 am

I’m not shitting you… my husband once sent an email to some low budget looser pretending to be our 3 year old (at the time) son asking for an autograph for his daddy’s birthday. Not only did shit hit the fan I had to go have his fingers fused together!

Luckily now if he wants to type something its really slow so I get to proofread it before it goes out …. and the handycap sticker in our car comes in REALLY handy!

Noa June 1, 2011 at 11:46 pm

Holy. Shit. That’s really and truly unbelievable.

Margaret Goerig June 1, 2011 at 7:12 am

The Velveteen Rabbit was a major influence in my life, so I used to think my stuffed animals were real and I’d put them on a canvas bag and pull them around the living room– come to think of it, this reflection would have fit into the Bullshit Tour commentary, too. So, one afternoon, I had them all on the bag, pulling them around and around and around, and somehow I managed to trip on one of the straps from the bag, and I went flying, face-first into the fireplace, shoving my two front teeth right back to where they came from. I was about 6 and I guess ever since then, I’ve tried to keep a handle on my obsessiveness for things that won’t love me back.
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Noa June 1, 2011 at 11:46 pm

This was such a delightfully, beautifully hilarious comment I can barely contain my joy. Thank you.

Vinobaby June 1, 2011 at 7:32 am

Oh seriously. My Geeky Hubby dragged me to Comic-Con once and ONLY ONCE. I was so freaked out I nearly hid under the nearest table but I couldn’t because there was a legion of storm troopers coming at me and a gaggle of overweight and pimply sailor Moons and a flaccid Thor was groping a geriatric body-painted Mystique and I had to drag my Hubby away from the Slave-Girl Princess Leias….wait, where was I?

Shit,I just mentioned this an the Hubby asked if he could buy me a itty-bitty Supergirl costume.

And I don’t even want to know where you tracked down the Twilight dildo. (But I am curious to know if is just one or if a girl can pick her creature. Women have standards now…)

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Noa June 1, 2011 at 11:48 pm

Oh Man. Comic Cons are either really fun or really fucking crazy. And while it’s awkward that I know this, there is a website that makes dildos out of made up creatures.

dotwonder June 1, 2011 at 7:51 am

Duran Duran in High School. Does that count? I even threw a birthday party for John Taylor, and served cake! It hurt just to type this.

Noa June 1, 2011 at 11:48 pm

It does count, and I love it. Thank you.

Tiffany June 1, 2011 at 7:58 am

You could not have hit the nail on the head any harder! Thank You!!!

FUCKING TWILIGHT FANS! What the hell is wrong with women 35+ who feel the need to vicariously live through their preteen daughters and literally obsess over poorly written books and poorly made movies about teenage vampires and werewolves?

I was at a picnic on Sunday, standing around the fire pit with some of the other women. We were having a nice conversation when suddenly, somehow the conversation switched to Twilight and subsequent movies. I guess the next one will be coming out sometime soon?

Anyway, they began planning their girls’ night in, where they would drink wine and have a Twilight movie marathon. No boys allowed. ARE WE BACK IN FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL? WTF? One of these women has the Twilight board game.

I slowly backed away from the women.

Handflapper June 1, 2011 at 5:32 pm

THANK GAWD, I thought I was the only grown woman who feels this way about that whole fucking Twilight travesty. I read all the books, just because I kept telling myself, they must get better, why else is everyone orgasming about them. What a waste of my time.

Noa June 1, 2011 at 11:50 pm

I just don’t get it. My sister and I don’t stage SNL parties in which no un-funnies are allowed. It’s just fucking weird.

dufmanno June 1, 2011 at 8:12 am

Dude, the Twilight Dildo comes with a Stephanie Meyer look alike who instructs you to bend over and just get used to it because you will be powerless to resist the lure of barely restrained lust and heaving you just bought into. No matter HOW many Martin Amis books you try to counter the spell with.
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Noa June 1, 2011 at 11:52 pm

It’s just fucking fantastic, isn’t it? To be so ragingly turned on by teenagers that you must buy a replica dick? I did not feel that way with Pride and Prejudice. Nor Moby Dick, and that’s got a dick right in the goddamn title.

Abby June 1, 2011 at 8:30 am

Amen, sister friend.
I was actually just thinking about this yesterday as someone in the office mentioned how pissed they were that some B-list actor was engaged and they wanted to kick his fiance’s ass. Umm…did you really think this B-list actor was seriously contemplating traveling all the way across the country to sweep you–the woman who can’t replace a roll of paper towel or be bothered to rinse your coffee cup out–off your hideous feet? Right. Being angry at his fiance makes perfect sense.

To her I say, go get a Twilight dildo. You will be perfectly happy together.

Noa June 1, 2011 at 11:53 pm

Was she wearing a cat shirt and/or vest at the time? Perhaps with some pencil shaped buttons on the front? Because if so, I know this woman. It’s ridiculous to say these kinds of things, because it just makes you look like a sad sad person with nothing better to do.

Johi June 1, 2011 at 8:45 am

Yes yes YES! And no, I’m not entwined in a 4 part series of the longest twat tease known to man and utilizing a sparkly Twilight dildo. Because they sparkle…. WTF?

I truly don’t understand these people. Get married, have a kid or get a cat and pour your affection into something that will acknowledge it and possibly return it. Do charity work…. DO SOMETHING other than pasting cut out pictures of Justin Bieber all over your bedroom walls. Creep. y.

P.S. I don’t know if I love you or hate you for mentioning The Greatest American Hero in this post. Now that theme song will be stuck in my head for the next 2 days.
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Noa June 1, 2011 at 11:55 pm

You’re totally welcome for The Greatest American Hero.

But why should they deal with normal human interaction when they can love characters they can mold to their desires? Isn’t that what a stereotypical houswife wants anyway?

Johi June 2, 2011 at 8:33 am

As a stereotypical housewife answering your question: We just want mute robot version of someone that looks like Hugh Jackman (okay, he can say “You’re beautiful” or “Go rest and I’ll pour you some wine” in his accent). He also does housework.
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Noa June 2, 2011 at 7:24 pm

Ah. And there you have the animatronic version of Twilight if you only added werewolf skills.

Lori Stefanac (Lola) June 1, 2011 at 9:50 am

I am busy memorizing all of the synonyms you use to describe genitalia. Kinda loving “twatwaffle”. I, for one, could NEVER obsess over anything for more than, say 5 minutes, as that is about the length of my attention span. As a matter of fact, I am SO distractible that I’ve been known to abandon a well thought out, intelligent comment right in the midst of

Noa June 1, 2011 at 11:56 pm

This. Is. Fucking. Hilarious.

Adrian is pretty similar, it’s hard for him to rage over something when he has a hard time recalling storylines from last week. To be fair, it makes every episode of shows for him amazing because it’s a new experience every time.

Eejaye June 1, 2011 at 9:52 am

You hit a nerve Noa. And you hit it hard. I don’t know what to say.

No, wait. Yes I do. I live with one of those overobsessed, get a different fucking hobby and stop talking about the same damn thing 24 hours a day type of people. His obsession? World of Warcraft. Every life situation can be translated into an Azeroth parallel. And I wish I could give you an example but I’ve tuned him out a long time ago. I miss my husband. I almost can’t wait for football season to start so he can obsess about THAT instead of WoW.

Disclaimer: I actually enjoying playing WoW which makes it a catch-22 for me. I’ve quit the game completely to get him to shut the fuck up. It didn’t work, so I started dabbling again. It’s a never ending cycle.

Oh, and don’t even get me started on those “Twilight Moms”. I shutter when I think about what those grown women do in private to those books, or posters, or lifesize cutouts or sheets, or pillows or sparkly dildos. You are grown women obsessing about a teenage boy! If you were a man obsessing about a teenage girl, you would be arrested! Ew!

Ok, I think I’m done….

P.S. My obsession when I was a TEENAGER because that’s what TEENAGERS do is obsess, was New Kids on the Block. I have a picture (which I will not post) of my walls practically wallpapered with pictures of them. Not an inch of my walls were bare thanks to Bop and Teen Beat. But then I got friends and had a social life and the posters came down and obsession stopped. And I admitted this why???

J June 1, 2011 at 12:07 pm

Me too, me too! NKOTB!

My friend and I were obsessed! Heck, we are 30 and going to our second “big kids” NKOTB concert next month!

Rooms were plastered with their pictures and I would have harmed any girl who tried to get touchy feely with my Jordan Knight…however, I was also about 12. I think once you reach oh…ADULTHOOD?…you should probably not obsess over people who think you are a crazy stalker. I actually feel bad for The Biebs and Selena!
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Noa June 1, 2011 at 11:59 pm

Adrian has thus far resisted playing WOW because we’re both terrified that I would never see him again. It’s a scary way to lose hours and hours because it’s so easy to go on, and then you’re 12 days later with a hobo beard and your baby’s dead. WOW is awful.

While it’s somewhat expected for teenagers to have a small obsession, it’s not okay to threaten death. Ever. And I may or may not have a couple of Boy Meets World posters packed up somewhere.

My Baby Sweetness June 1, 2011 at 9:56 am

Ok, I’m going to stand alone here and say I think this is a good thing. A public service even! I like that these people pour ALL their energy into crazy obsessive fads. Seriously – I think that Justin Beiber and Stephanie Meyer may be doing the world a HUGE service by occupying the minds of these otherwise potentially *criminally insane* people. Selena Gomez is keeping them off the street!

Seriously – do you hear stories about large crime sprees by middle aged middle class housewives and working moms? No. No, you don’t. Thank you Fried Green Tomatoes and Stephanie Meyers.

Don’t you think we’d have a lot more white collar crime doing a far more admirable job hacking into your bank and government websites if the geeks weren’t already occupied? Thank you, Comicon (and possibly the whole Rennaissance festival movement).

And look at how unruly teenagers can be as it is. Where, I ask you, would we be without Justin Beiber and Selena Gomez. Thank you, Disney Channel.
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Noa June 2, 2011 at 12:00 am

You raise an excellent point here. It was like a Law and Order closing argument. Thank you.

Jessica June 1, 2011 at 10:02 am

SHIT! How much does a gooch tattoo cost to get removed? Those suckers tricked me into it with their promises of a TeaBag party. A friend from high school has two daughters, Hermione and Ginny…no joke. Oh and their middle names are Emma and Bonnie as in the actresses that play them in the movie, you know in case they try to be normal. Get your shit together Armageddon has got to be close.

Noa June 2, 2011 at 12:00 am

$2oo. (and punch your friend in the gooch for me.)

momiss June 1, 2011 at 10:05 am

I know someone with an obsession for Disneyland.
In their 30’s and apparently all their life.
It’s very strange, to me. However, this person is what we would used to have called a Yuppie, whatever they are calling that now, has lived their whole life self involved and now is finally going to have a baby.
I figure it can go either way, either break the cycle or send them under the waves forever. It all depends on the will of the kid.
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Noa June 2, 2011 at 12:01 am

I can understand a love of Disney, and I get the home decor from Disney, but this person sounds far worse than the love of Disney.

Lissa June 1, 2011 at 10:24 am

Totally agree with this. I do have some ridiculous obsessions (Twilight, The Hunger Games, history, politics, etc.) and I DO get a bit crazy with them. However, I think I DO know where the line is. I am not crying or literally pulling my hair out over ANYTHING, that is for sure.

Noa June 2, 2011 at 12:01 am

First step is admitting you have a problem. Welcome, friend.

Siren June 1, 2011 at 11:18 am

Someone just recently gave me a sonic screwdriver and I thought it was TOTALLY COOL. But I never stampeded around the house pointing it at everything and making it light up with a futuristic buzzing sound, and my cat never attacked me for trying one too many times to unlock her with it or anything, if that’s what you’re thinking.
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Noa June 2, 2011 at 12:02 am

What just happened here? What is this sorcery of the sonic screwdriver? I do not know this thing.

Siren June 3, 2011 at 2:19 pm

Oh dear. I guess the only people this would make sense to are Doctor Who fans.

My apologies. I thought everyone knew Doctor Who carried a sonic screwdriver, which he uses to do all sorts of things like unlock impossible locks and which he also has claimed can be brandished in a threatening manner if necessary. Okay even writing this explanation, I’ve totally proved I’m one of those annoying fans who will bombard you with information you don’t really want.

I will now back away slowly and try to fade inconspicuously into my private haze of nerdy humiliation.
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Noa June 6, 2011 at 1:05 am

I love that I inadvertently allowed you to admit that you may be slightly obsessed. Along those same lines, we’ll one day speak of my replica watch from Fullmetal Alchemist.

Meg June 1, 2011 at 11:29 am

I’ve recently become semi-addicted to the TV show “Supernatural” for it’s hot guys and fun story arcs. I count my blessings that I am not among the fans who write fanfic about the two main characters of the series having a relationship. They’re brothers. BROTHERS. Hey, homosexual erotica is fine by me, but I draw the line at incest. Or, as it’s called in “Supernatural” circles, “Wincest.” Because it’s about the Winchester brothers. So cute, right?

Oh, hell no.
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Noa June 2, 2011 at 12:02 am

Can’t read this comment without just fucking puking everywhere. Jesus. There is some crazy fucking fanfiction out there.

Miss Yvonne June 1, 2011 at 11:35 am

A Twilight dildo???? Seriously? You know that thing sells out right before each of the movies is released on DVD. Pssshhh, losers.

Ummmm…did you happen to notice if that website had a True Blood dildo? Maybe? I’m just wondering. What? It’s for my friend!

Shut up.
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Noa June 2, 2011 at 12:04 am

I bet you could coat it in Gumbo and it would be the same thing.

J June 1, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Do ANTI OBSESSIONS count for this too? Because I am a texture freak and things like emeryboards and sandpaper and chalk, and chalkboards and weird gauzy shirts material from Walmart, and socks that are too tight on toes, and super glue on fingertips…

I LOSE MY SHIT!! I freak out and have to grab the first thing that will make me less twitchy – sometimes it’s my own shirt or jeans…sometimes it’s someone elses.

Always fun to explain.
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Noa June 2, 2011 at 12:04 am

Velvet. Mine is velvet and velvet-like things. Can’t. Fucking. Deal. I prefer to call it a phobia.

Tina June 1, 2011 at 12:19 pm

I can so relate to this topic. My husband is obsessed with the TV Show Chuck. I swear if he thought he could get away with it he would be the one with intercept himself. Anyway I live with one teen on a regular basis and I haven’t seen signs of her having any obsessions that aren’t normal for her age. My 7 year old on the other hand is a Bieber fan. I asked her the other day if she could meet him what would she say and she said that she would tell him he was her new brother.. awww cute.. at least she didn’t say boyfriend.

Now I have a 13 year old son who is completely obsessed with Wizards of Waverly place and all things Disney and mainly obsessed with Selena Gomez. I haven’t heard anything come out of his mouth other than her songs so I am pretty sure this is (crossing my fingers) just a phase. I hope to God that his obsession is just that he likes her and her music and not some sick twisted thought of becoming her ( I swear to God he can hit every single note she does).

I think all of my obsessions I had were when I was a teenager.. God I loved Billy Ray Cyrus..I am no longer obsessed with him and I have moved on.

My new obsession is the love of my life and he shares that obsession about me. So its all good.
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Noa June 2, 2011 at 12:06 am

I think, staring at Selena’s rack, that I can understand that obsession. It’s cool.

And as long as you’re not going all Fatal Attraction on me, you love that love, yo.

Andi June 1, 2011 at 1:09 pm

What squicks me out is the number of people who will call a famous guy their “boyfriend.” Are you serious? Daniel Craig is your boyfriend, yet he has never met you and doesn’t know who you are? Even in junior high, we had a name for those girls — pathetic.

I think this might be some weird confluence of the geek subculture with the mainstream pop culture worship. Geeks do get slightly….overinvolved (I can say this because I am one, so there). Now everybody wants to be a geek, and they think the way to do that is to get overinvolved with the most mass-marked, prepackaged crud.

I read the first Twilight book. I did not get the appeal, and I’m a die-hard paranormal romance reader. Maybe what these women need is to read a lot more romance, just to get some perspective. Or possibly, to have more romance….I don’t know.
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Noa June 2, 2011 at 12:08 am

(you should check out rebecca rhielle, the author)

Also, FUCK YOU NATHAN FILLION IS MY BOYFRIEND AND YOU CAN’T HAVE HIM. Oh wait, no, that makes me a crazy asshole to say that shit. I share your rage. Being a geek is cool–there’s a lot of awesome things in the geek world. It’s not okay to have sex with anime character body pillows. Line crossed there.

toni in florida June 5, 2011 at 4:25 am

Hey, at least you proclaimed that Nathan Fillion was your boyfriend, not Captain Mal or Richard Castle, which proves that you are not that extreme thing against which you are raging.

And FYI, Steve Martin is my secret husband, with Nathan Fillion as my secret loveslave, so I feel ya on that one. (“Secret” as in “they know nothing about it, so don’t ask them, but wouldn’t it be cool if they were?”)
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Noa June 6, 2011 at 12:57 am

I think Mal might be okay with that.

Lex June 1, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Good lord, I know I rabidly fangirl over some shit, but some of the people out there that are just creepy. For example:

My sister-in-law is ridiculously obsessed with Twilight. She drove to fucking Forks (we live in WA) — a five hour trip — on that Stephanie Meyer chick’s birthday (to do what, I don’t even know). She’s also a member of the Twilight Mom’s Club or whatever on Facebook. *shudders* It got to the point where ALL of her updates were about Twilight: Edward this, Jacob that, sparkle, sparkle, sparkle. I told her to cut that shit out and blocked her.

This morning I told my husband that I am hella tempted to throw glitter on his brother the next time they come over — just to see what happens.
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Noa June 1, 2011 at 3:46 pm

I just…I don’t understand the Twilight obsession. Why the grown women? Teenagers I get, but grown ass women lusting over teenage fictional characters? I mean, fuck. It’s just sad. Send her this post.

Jaclyn June 1, 2011 at 2:28 pm

When I was like 16, I went through a phase where I hated Mariah Carey because she was dating Derek Jeter, who I was convinced would fall in love with me if we ever met. But I was 16, so it doesn’t count. Now, when I think a celebrity is hot I basically just think about how I’d like to bang him but I don’t get mad at his girlfriends anymore. And that boy from Twilight? The teenager. OMG I would hit it. Then I’d hit it again. Then I’d quit it. Then maybe I’d hit it one more time.

The only thing I ever got annoying about was LOST. I would always tell people “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!!! YOU HAVE TO WATCH LOST!”. But I didn’t obsess further than that.

Noa June 2, 2011 at 12:09 am

Lost is fucking confusing, and I remember reading an interview with the writers who straight up said they made up each episode and they didn’t even know where it was heading. LOST: Brought to you by weed and Jameson’s.

And ho, Jeter was MINE.

Jaclyn June 2, 2011 at 8:07 am

Bitch, don’t you live in Texas or some shit? I work in NEW YORK CITY! It’s inevitable that I will eventually have to leave my husband after running into Derek Jeter and him falling madly in love with me.

Noa June 2, 2011 at 7:25 pm

Fuck. Plans foiled.

Jaclyn June 1, 2011 at 2:32 pm

OH and I have an aunt who thinks she’s a vampire. Not a Twilight vampire though. She’s been obsessed with vampires for YEARS and wears all black all the time and her house is perpetually decorated as if it were Halloween. Seriously, coffins and bats and spiders. Her boyfriend got her a bat in a glass case for her birthday one year. She left her husband several years ago and when she got together with her current boyfriend, she horrified my mother by showing her the bruises she had all over her body from when she and her boyfriend bite each other during sex play. Oh, and they drink each other’s blood. FREAKS.
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Noa June 1, 2011 at 3:42 pm

I’m so weirded out by your aunt that I cannot concentrate on anything else you have said here. What…just what possessed her to think that she is a vampire? Why do they think drinking one another’s blood is a connecting and healthy experience? Oh my god.

Jaclyn June 1, 2011 at 10:05 pm

In a hilariously creepy coincidence, today she posted the most horrifying thing I’ve ever seen on her Facebook page. There is apparently a cover of Rolling Stone with the characters from True Blood on it, naked and splattered with blood. And she (poorly) photoshopped in her face and her boyfriend’s face over 2 of the real people. I can’t.

Noa June 1, 2011 at 11:39 pm

What? I love it. Shitshows delight me beyond belief.

Andi June 1, 2011 at 8:48 pm

I actually think this is an awesome reason to leave a husband. I mean, if you needed a reason — “Well, I’m a vampire and he insists on being human.” Really, it doesn’t get much better than that.
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Noa June 2, 2011 at 12:09 am

Isn’t that an option in the State of California?

toni in florida June 5, 2011 at 4:28 am

I think that falls squarely under “Irreconcilable Differences”.
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Noa June 6, 2011 at 1:05 am

This is probably absolutely true.

Ninja Mom June 1, 2011 at 4:13 pm

I can’t comment at length. I’m quite busy sculpting an ice dildo with Wonder Twins figures embedded deep inside.
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Noa June 2, 2011 at 12:10 am

When you shout, “Activate!” does it vibrate?

Handflapper June 1, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Really? I would buy a Twilight dildo, but not because I have a Twilight obesession. I have a dildo obsession.

I’m glad someone else feels this way because I sometimes wonder if there is something wrong with me (more than the obvious, I mean). I don’t do the crazy fangirl thing. Not since I was ten and hung Donny Osmond posters on my wall, and even then I thought his teeth were too big.
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Noa June 2, 2011 at 12:11 am

Again, it’s totally weird that I know this, but it’s not the weirdest dildo I’ve ever seen. I saw a dragon dick one once that was as big as my torso, and even Noa the Unshockable was fucking floored.

Donny Osmond? Really?

Jaclyn June 2, 2011 at 8:00 am

So what your saying is that you haven’t seen “The Fist”? Because nothing is creepier than the fist.

Noa June 2, 2011 at 7:26 pm

Actually, um. Yes. Yes I have. Dragon dildo still wins.

Jean June 1, 2011 at 8:48 pm

Noa, it’s a very good thing you have no desire to be a lawyer. ALL clients are totally obsessed and their problems are the only problems that exist in all the world. I deal with the with the judicious application of vodka.

Also, damn your black soul for the mention of The Greatest American Hero as that god-awful song is in my head. I repay the favor by springing this little gem at you which you are not old enough to recall from the very earliest days of MTV: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dRWTz3zY1WY. Worst. Video. Ever.
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Noa June 1, 2011 at 11:41 pm

Someone told me last week I would make a good lawyer. That person can suck my cock.

Also–whoa. Yeah, I have never seen that video–while I do have a love for that which I did not grow up with, what in the shit was that.

backbeforethewar June 1, 2011 at 8:50 pm

Just popped in to see what Noa was up to. Accidentally clicked the didlo link. When my eyesight returned I read the rest of the post. Noa is .. ANGRY.. very ,very ANGRY .
Run away, run away…………….

backbeforethewar June 1, 2011 at 8:52 pm

Dildo…. eyes still a bit wonkie

Noa June 1, 2011 at 11:40 pm

Well, thanks for popping in, and sorry I horrified you with the dildo. And yeah, to be fair, I’m not delighted with these people. That dildo was the real icing on the cake.

Margo June 2, 2011 at 12:18 am

I like to sum this video up thusly: And then Buffy staked Edward. The End. Your Welcome.


It’s about 6 minutes but so worth the watch if you haven’t seen it. Whenever I watch it, it makes me feel so much better. And once again proves the superiority of Buffy. Not obsessed, but I loves the Joss Whedon.
And random aside, if you ever watch/ed Castle, the beginning of the Halloween episode he came out dressed like Mal. I made an audible squee and I don’t do that often.
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Noa June 2, 2011 at 7:26 pm

Never got into Buffy really, but I can appreciate the Twilight death love.

Rachael June 2, 2011 at 2:38 am

Oh my god, I have run into SO MANY PEOPLE who introduce themselves and pretty much immediately afterwards tell me that they’re huge Oprah fans. Like, “Hi! I’m Gwen! I FUCKING LOVE OPRAH! Did you read the thing in her book club? Oh my god, her magazine is so cool.” It’s always Oprah, too! Nobody introduces themselves and says I FUCKING LOVE ELLEN DEGENERES immediately. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever even met someone who introduced themselves and said that they FUCKING LOVE TWILIGHT immediately. Why the hell do these Oprah fanatics need me to know that about them before I even know what they do for a living or, well, ANYTHING THAT MATTERS? I don’t know. I don’t understand it. If anyone reading this is an Oprah fan who has ever immediately announced their Oprah obsession and can explain this, please do because I am confused as shit over here.

But I fucking love Amanda Palmer and get super defensive whenever someone else doesn’t, so maybe it’s like that. But that’s not the first thing I tell people about myself. Music always comes up eventually and I mention it then, but I try not to obsess. I don’t get obsessing. STOP OBSESSING. LIVE.
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Noa June 2, 2011 at 7:28 pm

I am not an Oprah fan. It is what it is–I know that makes me half a woman or some shit but I just. Can’t. Deal.

It’s identifying yourself with a religion when you’re that much in love with Oprah. And it scares the shit out of me.

thehaughtylibrarian June 2, 2011 at 8:43 am

Being a librarian I’ve met way too many people obsessed with Twilight. I figured I should read the series since everyone always asked about it. Have you ever tried to read those books? I got to chapter four of the first book. I wanted to gouge my eyes out with a fork because the reading level was about grade 2. I did not try again.

I also went with some friends (both guys and girls) who wanted to get whatever book it was (4th?) at midnight when it was released. I sat on the floor of the mall, eating free cookies, and poking fun. Then I started to get embarrassed that I was even there. The cookies were delicious though.
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Noa June 2, 2011 at 7:29 pm

Have you read what Stephen King wrote about Stephenie Meyer? Something along the lines of, “JK Rowling and Stephenie Meyer have both made billions off their books. The difference is, Rowling can actually write.” As well as this gem, “Harry Potter is about trust and hope and doing what’s right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend.”

And that’s just one more reason why I love Stephen King.

thehaughtylibrarian June 3, 2011 at 8:33 am

I hadn’t read that. It’s perfect! ha!
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emmysuh June 2, 2011 at 9:39 am

Whatever, Sailor Jupiter was the shit.

This is the embarrassing part where I admit I WAS one of these assholes – in middle school, my friends and I BELIEVED we WERE going to become the Sailor Scouts. NO DOUBT. This went on for maybe three years and making it to high school without getting my transformation pen from a talking cat with a crescent moon on it was the greatest disappointment of my young, lame life.

SO, that was my life lesson at a (sorta) young age and since then I have been HYPER AWARE that it is OK, good even, to love the things you love…but live your life.

Although I would to be able to shoot lightening from my fingers…

Noa June 2, 2011 at 7:31 pm

Oh Sailor Moon–the gateway drug to more anime. Because after that, it was downhill for me. “Well, I’ll just watch Dragonball. Then Dragonball Z. And maybe Dragonball GT. And hey, sure, Gundam Wing. And Outlaw Star–Cowboy Bebob–Fullmetal Alchemist…oh fuck I’m a fangirl.”

It’s a daily struggle.

Dangerboy June 2, 2011 at 10:26 am

Brilliant! When someone pitches Twilight to me as a “life-changing event” I want to strangle an iguana! It’s insane!
The only time it’s acceptable to lead with your obsessions is at the convention for that obsession. Whether it’s Judge Judy or S&M or both, I just don’t want to hear it spoken of in reverent tones that imply I’m the weird one. Just sayin’.

Preach on.
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Noa June 2, 2011 at 7:32 pm


What in the shit do they mean by that, other than realizing what new and striking lows literature can achieve? Holy fuck.

I don’t really mind fanboys and fangirls–that’s the thing. I just don’t want to be forcibly converted. Get away from me, man dressed as Mystique.

Jennifer H June 2, 2011 at 2:16 pm

Wait a minute… is this a passive-aggressive response to your personal stalker? I mean, we all know that you are quite amaze-balls and only pick the most awesome to repetitively go into business with, but OhNoa dildos? He’s gettin’ bat-shit on us again.

Noa June 2, 2011 at 7:33 pm

You ruined my fucking cover, Jenn.

Rico Swaff June 2, 2011 at 9:51 pm


I get really into wrestling. I know every Iowa wrestling stat imagineable from youth to college. I was a youth/high school/college wrestler myself, so that’s where it started. My little brothers wrestle now and are good…the youngest is a national and multiple state champ with the other being a state place winner. However, wrestling is temporary (November-April.) In the offseason, I neglect wrestling.

During the season, I am like the lord of the dance on the Iowa wrestling message boards. A freaking wrestling encyclopedia.

Other than that, I would say promoting my fucking blog has been flirting with obsession.
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Noa June 6, 2011 at 1:07 am

I’m really not sure whether to be horrified or laugh at this. And that is the single greatest feeling in the whole world, and you have brought me that joy.

elizabeth- flourish in progress June 3, 2011 at 6:03 pm

well, well, well, i guess this isn’t the time for me to admit going to a star trek convention and following this one actor around for almost an hour because i was really, really into him and i wanted him to sign my arm, but he wouldn’t sign my arm and so then i had to pay him $20 for a signed picture and then i still followed him around. because i was really into him.

but i’ll just save that for another time, because this clearly isn’t the time to admit something like that.
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Tina June 4, 2011 at 5:19 pm

Now I am curious.. Who was the star you were stalking?

My obsession went to Star Trek Con several times and is a professed Klingon. Yes including makeup. His daughter also got to visit with Nana Visitor. But it wasn’t the creepy-obsessed-follow-you-around- wanting-to-be-your-twin or bff kind of thing.

(Fun Fact: He got to party with Richard Hatch from Battle Star Galactica)

But when he isn’t at Con he is a normal geek. I mean who doesn’t like Star Trek and watches reruns of the original series as well as Next Gen and Deep Space nine… you can forget Voyager and Enterprise…
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Noa June 6, 2011 at 1:10 am

Was it Jordy? Cause if it was Jordy, I totally fucking forgive you, because Jordy is the shit. Brains AND looks good in a Starfleet uniform? I spent a good part of my childhood with banana clip taped over my eyes singing the Reading Rainbow theme song–a marriage of awesome Levar Burton performances.

toni in florida June 6, 2011 at 1:51 am

I dated a guy who looked and sounded like Jordy about 10 years ago. All he needed was a spray-painted banana clip across his face for the fantasy to come to life! (And if Levar Burton’s naked body/booty looked as good as my ex’s and worked with as much TLC, that Jordy fantasy was well worth engaging!… pun intended.)

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Heather Heartless June 4, 2011 at 8:32 pm

I think I had a non-lesbian love obsession with Kelly Clarkson at some point. I mean, it gets kind of bad when someone on stage locks eyes with you in a dark room and gets that “Oh, fuck. Not again. Just look away” look on their face, which your face has no choice but to answer with a “NO! YOU look away! You look away first so I can establish dominance! HA! There.” look of its own. And that you played the Breakaway album so many times that it literally slowed down.

I never once thought “I really want to have sex with this CD” because, well, ow. The cases have all of those sharp corners and the liner notes can do some serious paper cut damage which leads you to the inevitable “Well, now I’m extra porous… for your pleasure” conversation that no one wants to have.

There’s this phrase that I used to love. “Southern girls don’t sweat, we glisten.” I was all, hells yeah but then there were sparkly vampires and I’m afraid to actively glisten in public for fear of being raped by a horde of “What IS this fabulous downstairs sensation?” tweens with “I’m a whore” midnight black eye shadow, “I’m totally going to end up on Date Line” white lipstick, and “People will put dollars in my g-string after I change my name to Destiny” body glitter. That shit doesn’t come off no matter how many times you clean yourself in the bathtub while crying.

So yes, fuck off and be normal. Sex is a wonderful cure for people obsessed with minors that look a lot like fashionably masculine lesbians and fictional characters that sneak into your room to watch you sleep because they really want to eat you, and not in a good way.
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Noa June 6, 2011 at 1:01 am

This was several paragraphs of awesome. I am worried for your love obsession with Kelly Clarkson (call is non-lesbian all you want, but whoa). And you just made me never want to sweat around tweens ever ever again. Thank you.

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