Getting Your Degree in Not-A-Terrible-Person

06/08/2011 · 106 comments

in Social Services, What Is Wrong With You?

I can’t shake the feeling that a large majority of college degrees are just absolute bullshit.

When you can get a degree in Home Furnishings, I really think you’re just wasting your fucking time and money and my sanity. I mean, really. Grab a Sears catalog, flip through.

Congratulations, you’re now a home furnishings graduate. Cue the goddamn confetti of sadness, you ridiculous fuck.

I figure if you’re going to want to spend all of this time working so hard, they need to teach you something that will actually be useful in your daily life.

1. Social Reprimand Practicum 1200 and 2200

This course takes you through the proper way to reprimand strangers, in social settings, who are being twats.

Including:

  • Douchebag Driving Awareness
  • Hang Up Your Phone, Asshole
  • Moviegoing Muffwhacks
  • Responding To Those Too-Curious-About-You
  • Children as Assholes: How to Manage
  • Goddamn Teenaged Heathens

2. Backhanded Compliment Deflection and Response 2600

For dealing with the jealous bitches in your life.

New variations on:

  • “Oh yeah? Well, your FACE.”
  • Abject silence.
  • “Your mother Is A Whore.”

3. Social Skills Vs. Social Craptitude 3000 and 4000

Learn how to appropriately react in all kinds of social situations!

  • What To Say In Elevators
  • Appropriate Responses to Other’s Ills and Various Whinings/Bitchery
  • Recognizing the Signs of Impending Social Shitequette
  • Feigning Interest in Weddings/Kids/Divorces/Other People
  • Should You Talk About Your Cats Now?
  • Recovering From Making An Inadvertent Sexual Reference

4. Statistics of Barology 1000 (Mandatory)

The science and skill behind responsible alcohol consumption.

  • Wine/Beer/Mixed Drink Timing Theory
  • Sugar/Alcohol Ratios and Their Relation To Clothing Integrity
  • Weight Distribution Formulas of Keg Stands, Bar Dances, and Heel Heights
  • Decision Making Graphs (Including: Should I continue wearing these clothes, should I leave with this guy, and am I okay to do anything but go to sleep right now.)

5. Anthropology of The Douche 2300

The history, archaeology, and evolution of nature’s most abundant beast: The Douche.

  • The Origin of The Douche: New Jersey
  • Evolution and Creation Theory of The Douche
  • The Douche as a Species: It’s Skills and Weaknesses (with recent updates regarding Energy Drinks and Reality TV)
  • Recognizing the Douche Amongst Us: How To Protect Yourself and Others
  • Hipsters: The Newest Mutation
  • Interbreeding and its Dangerous Implications

6. Are You Wearing Clothes? The History of Bad Fashion 3300

A census of terrible fashion; past, present, and predictions for the future.

  • Leggings: From Ancient Times to Today
  • Goth as Fashion, Not Life Choice
  • Shredded Clothing: Statement of High Fashion or Evolutionary Weakness?
  • Glitter and Survival: Why The Strippers Always Win
  • Makeup and Peacocking: Blue is Not Okay

7. English for Everyday Survival 1000 (Mandatory)

Because fuck you.

  • Text Speak: The Cause of Herpes and Aids and even Super Aids (new evidence says Ebola, too)
  • Political Rally Signs: How Spelling Can Further Your Cause
  • Tenses and You
  • No, That’s Not A Word!
  • Did You Really Mean Literally? Science Says No.
  • Z’s: Should You Add One to the End of this Word?
  • Mute as a Life Choice

What courses did I miss that people really, really need?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Heather Heartless (really, the whole series of back and forth is worth reading, but this one just killed me):”Hospital elevator conversations are the best. I’m usually not participating because, well, holy fuck, y’all, but it’s always nice when people can radiate their own awkward onto innocent bystanders. The best ones are too graphic to post with any detail, but I’ll give you three words.Tampon. Forgetfulness. Gangrene. 

I’ve always wanted to be trapped in a small, slow moving, metal box with someone with gangrene of the vagina. I wonder if Ball Fresh will help their crotch rot.

You could always try the “Chelsea Handler” and mutter things just loudly enough to be heard, but not so loud that they have to admit to themselves that you really just said “I want to lick you where you pee” or “That’s when Mom told me that it was family tradition for Grandpa to give all the kids herpes.”

Lilscorpiosweet June 8, 2011 at 2:44 am

Not that I can tell if anything is missing I think you pretty much covered it. But I had a couple of maybe extra ideas for 4. Like knowing the legal drinking limit and not exceeding it if you want to live or how about not to piss off the spouse by arguing that you aren’t legally or illegally drunk? Or how about knowing when enough is enough and going to bed making sure you take every precaution like setting up a bucket in case you can’t make it to the bathroom?

Does his arguing fall under the category of being a douche?

I think you might have missed one on how spouses are supposed to treat each other.

Common Sense of Marriage: What you need to do to have an ok marriage (because we all know it can’t be perfect) Or better aptly named: From the Curb in
1. Communication, Communication, Communication
2. Decisions Should both parties be involved?
3. Asking the kids (like they are gonna have an informative answer)
4. Responsibility: Who takes on what responsibility
5. Complaints: When it comes to the point of needing a mediator
6. Treatment of both parties: Pampering and chores, whose turn is it to take out the trash?

Ok so the list could actually be longer but I think I covered some of what goes on in my household.
Lilscorpiosweet recently posted..Christian Brothers and Coke

Noa June 8, 2011 at 12:37 pm

I think you need to teach this marital happiness course because it sounds like your husband really really needs to hear it.

Lilscorpiosweet June 8, 2011 at 5:57 pm

Thanks and because I posted twice was I didn’t see it automatically pop up the first time and then I ended up revising the list just a bit. Anywho.. I would be glad to teach that class because God knows there are lots of men out there like that.
Lilscorpiosweet recently posted..Christian Brothers and Coke

John June 23, 2011 at 8:22 am

And you married one?

Lilscorpiosweet June 8, 2011 at 2:55 am

I think you missed Marital Communications or better aptly named From the Curb in. (because we all know it can’t be perfect all the time, can it?)

1. Communication, Communication, Communication
2. Decisions: Because both parties need to know
3. Asking the kids: more trouble or is it an informative answer?
4. Pampering vs. Chores
5. Responsibility Whose responsible for what
Lilscorpiosweet recently posted..Christian Brothers and Coke

Noa June 8, 2011 at 12:37 pm

You win today, because my dashboard marked you as a spammer with no provocation! Hooray!

hoodyhoo June 8, 2011 at 6:17 am

I would like to apply for the Chair of Barology Studies, or head of the English Department. Your choice. Or I can combine the two, because people who can’t talk right make me need a drink.

We also need a course in social distance: Good Touch/Bad Touch/Who the fuck ARE you?, etc.
hoodyhoo recently posted..Dream Dream Dree-eams

Noa June 8, 2011 at 12:39 pm

Hoody, you’re the Dean of Barology, let’s be real. And a guest lecturer in the Good Touch/Bad Touch course.

Ena June 8, 2011 at 6:27 am

I think one of the most vital courses, although definitely a niche market, is the…

EUPHEMISMS OF PENIS AND VAGINA THAT SHOULD NEVER BE USED:
–Put a spunk sack on your manparts and come over to ravish my moist cave (ew)
–The bearded lady’s sausage eating contest
–Ride the balony pony
–Get ready for the blood-engorged mayonnaise cannon in your Queen Elizabeth

There is also the highly important:

SUPERMARKET BEHAVIOUR:
–No, madam, that courgette is not a night-stick
–When to ram your trolley into someone else’s screaming child
–Vegetable etiquette (a whole sub-class of its own)

On a side note, I grew up in York, UK, and one of the things that always amused me is that the Law School (which is quite prestigious) is surrounded by allotments where they make manure for farming. Awesome.

Noa June 8, 2011 at 12:46 pm

I am losing my ass laughing right now. Please, dear God, keep on commenting.

Ena June 8, 2011 at 1:00 pm

Aye, aye, cap’n.

Can you imagine a man turning to you with a glint in his eye, unbuttoning his shirt to display his carpet of thick ginger chest hair and saying in a low sultry voice…

“Suck my mayonnaise cannon, then if you play your cards right, I’ll put my mighty python of love into your moist furburger.”

Seriously. Ew.
Ena recently posted..Necking and not the fun kind

Noa June 8, 2011 at 1:02 pm

HRRRRRRGHKKKK.

Oh no, sorry. Just gagged fucking everywhere. That is both awesome and horrifyingly awful.

Ena June 8, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Embrace the image.

Close your eyes and really picture it. Can you see the bits of his dinner that had got stuck in his chest hair? Can you smell the anticipation on his breath? Are you wondering if that cannon has low fat mayonnaise or only full fat?

You’re WELCOME.

Ps. I am awaiting my ban on commenting very shortly.
Ena recently posted..Necking and not the fun kind

Kella June 8, 2011 at 7:54 pm

Knowing my strict dietary requirements, it would have to be a Miracle Whip Cannon o’Love, and then it just gets more demented from there.

If your parents ever give you up for adoption, please call me.
Kella recently posted..Why I shouldn’t be allowed to flirt- Marriage- Year 4

Ena June 8, 2011 at 8:59 pm

Who me?

I very rarely see my parents as they live hundreds of miles away, so I could be totally secretly adopted by other people and they’d never even have to know.

It would be one of those pesky details you don’t tell them… why am I buying two Mother’s Day cards? Well… interesting story… A PELICAN MADE ME DO IT! (Always blame the pelicans, nobody can ever prove they didn’t do it).
Ena recently posted..Necking and not the fun kind

Noa June 9, 2011 at 2:33 pm

Pelicans are ASSHOLES. One bit Grace on the head once.

Ena June 9, 2011 at 3:16 pm

There you go, you see.

Pelicans can be blamed for everything going wrong in the world today.

Fish-breathed bastards.
Ena recently posted..Necking and not the fun kind

Kella June 9, 2011 at 3:48 pm

Well, unless they have Geoffrey Rush’s voice, because then they’d just be flying win-bombs. Geoffrey Rush and Jeremy Irons could each read you a horrible news story about a man who brutally raped each and every elderly woman in a local nursing home before skinning their cats and sewing them into a demented cat-fur villain’s cape… and you’d quiver in your chair begging them to do it again.

It’s quite disturbing when you think about it, so I advise against it.

I often wear earplugs when watching The Borgias. My husband insists this defeats the purpose, but I tell him to stop tempting me with sexy older man-voices.
Kella recently posted..Why I shouldn’t be allowed to flirt- Marriage- Year 4

Bill G. December 7, 2011 at 8:59 pm

You’re killing me here. Don’t forget the moray eel going into the cave.

Sarah June 8, 2011 at 8:44 am

Not only do I think you need a department of making appropriate life choices and basic living skills (laundry, cooking, ordering from a menu, forming a line, etc), But I would like to apply to be that chair. It will be the hardest position, I’m sure, but we could significantly increase tuition (I’m sure the parents will want to pay the extra for our advanced basic life skills research agenda) so you could pay me well and provide me with my own lab…
Sarah recently posted..Under Siege

Noa June 8, 2011 at 12:47 pm

I approve this course, and your position as chair. Go forth, and teach the assholes.

Dangerboy June 8, 2011 at 8:51 am

I’m a huge fan of the phrase “Because fuck you.” /ovation
Dangerboy recently posted..5 Things I Think- June 6th

Noa June 8, 2011 at 12:47 pm

Why thank you! It applies to so many situations.

Electric Monk June 8, 2011 at 9:00 am

How about a course called
-The differences between “it’s” and “its” and why they’re important.

Rebekah Mae June 8, 2011 at 9:26 am

YES! And in a Subgroup

-The differences between “Your” and “You’re”. And No, “Ur” is not a word so please erase it from your vocabulary right now.

THK June 8, 2011 at 11:25 am

Oh god, please send my mother to that course. Ever since she learned how to send text messages and use Facebook, she types like a 16-year old girl who grew up in AOL chatrooms.

That reminds me–there should be a class on properly locating the “Caps Lock” key, and how to turn it OFF.
THK recently posted..Aww- look She thinks she can write

Rebekah Mae June 9, 2011 at 9:42 pm

haha my friends and I were just talking about this. My mother started using “chat speak” because it was shorter. I quickly beat that out of her.

Oh and let’s not forget about….

“Numbers vs. Letters. How we shouldn’t use numbers to replace entire words.”

Noa June 10, 2011 at 10:39 am

OH the numbers vs. letters. It’s never okay. Never.

Why do these older women feel it’s totally okay to speak like a 14-year-old through texting? Is there some website that tells them how to do this? My mom thought, for a good long time, that LOL was just a word. Just, Lol, as in the beginning of Lollipop but without the lipop. What. The Hell. Ma.

Noa June 8, 2011 at 12:49 pm

Anyone who uses letters in place of real words should be tased.

Thank God we just got my mother a full keyboard phone, because up to that point, she was a 12 year old immigrant on texts. It was fucking horrible.

Noa June 8, 2011 at 12:48 pm

I will admit, thought I know the difference between its and it’s, I do suck at actually using them. I clearly need to re-enroll.

Jamie Varon June 8, 2011 at 9:02 am

This is me… giving you a slow clap while also giving you a standing ovation. This be the highest honor of: FUCK, YOU ARE FUCKING FUNNY.

Noa June 8, 2011 at 12:50 pm

Why thank you! Coming from you, that’s quite the compliment.

lenni June 8, 2011 at 9:08 am

“Because fuck you.”

Yes. Just, yes.

Noa June 8, 2011 at 12:50 pm

I’m glad to see that you feel the same about the usefulness of that phrase.

Zombie, Esq. June 8, 2011 at 9:13 am

You should probably also add remedial courses for those of us who fail some of those courses. For instance:
Suppressing Rage for Beginners: Over the course of the semester, learn to suppress twitches and exasperation through a series of visualization exercises!
Or maybe some liberal arts credits, like:
The Rise and Fall of Blue Box: Learn the history of Kraft Mac and Cheese, its place the college economy, and what improvements and embellishments can be made on this simple staple.

And as a law school student, I think we all need:
Advanced Bullshit for Practitioners: Perfect your bland public service face! Learn methods to avoid calling clients “fucktards.” Deal productively with missed deadline panic through use of skills learned in previous classes (that’s where the Mixology department would come in!)

Noa June 8, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Oh Law Students, you always tend to speak with such bitterness for mankind, and it’s really not hard to see where that comes from. You get to deal with the worst kinds of people. Hooray!

I really love the suppressing rage class, because I really need to take it.

Zombie, Esq. June 8, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Maybe I need another remedial class to deal with bitterness and other quirks which make it hard for pseduolawyers to be out in the general population:
Big Girl Panties 305: Learning to cope with failure, student loans and minimum wage pay without losing your poise or tripping over your high heels.
And, Advanced Big Girl Panties (an honors course): Wearing a thong with grace and choosing wines that go well with cynicism.
Zombie, Esq. recently posted..My Sense of Humor is Rotting

Noa June 8, 2011 at 6:47 pm

The Big Girl Panties series should also be offered as a home study, because fuck. There are a lot of people who need it.

Sarah June 8, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Agreed! I think your idea of liberal arts credits/electives are fab! Kraft is only the beginning. Think of the possibilities with ramen!
Sarah recently posted..Under Siege

Noa June 9, 2011 at 2:34 pm

I once ate sweetarts and pickles for a week because I had no money for food. I could have really used this course.

Anna Biesbrock June 8, 2011 at 9:26 am

Brilliant. Fucking brilliant.

Do you have a brochure? I know several thousand people that I’d like to pass it along to immediately.

And I think a breakout section of the Anthro of the Douche should be “Are you an Asshat? Top 10 signs that you just might be THAT guy”. Because Asshatism is a problem running a close second to the infectious douchecopter plague.
Anna Biesbrock recently posted..it might be time to slap out of it

THK June 8, 2011 at 11:27 am

I have a mental image of a douchcopter now. Bloody brilliant. I imagine it’s painted in an Ed Hardy theme.
THK recently posted..Aww- look She thinks she can write

Noa June 8, 2011 at 12:53 pm

Douchecopter? Oh God. So amazing–especially in Ed Hardy.

The Asshat course must be mandatory.

Anna Biesbrock June 8, 2011 at 2:52 pm

Fuck yeah it does! I also think that a requirement is to wear an actual hat of an ass. That way it’ll serve as a reminder that this is what you look like when you speak. Yes, you, ass hole who refuses to use his blinker. Or you, over there, you doucheballon that thinks you look cool because you’re wearing your sunglasses inside. You just look like you’re either stoned or drunk and want no one to know.

And perhaps ol’ Hardy would care to hear this douchecopter pitch? I’m sure he’d think it’s divine. I imagine Trump as the first to purchase one. :)
Anna Biesbrock recently posted..it might be time to slap out of it

THK June 8, 2011 at 3:36 pm

I can see it now, flying over Trump tower with an American Flag banner in tow, and giant loudspeakers blasting “Like a G6″ on repeat. A heavily-roided-out Broseph in a tight black “Affliction” t-shirt will lean out of the side with a megaphone and call down at people, “DUDE! HEY DUUUUDE! ARIAL KEGSTAND, BRO!”
THK recently posted..Aww- look She thinks she can write

Norway June 8, 2011 at 5:28 pm

But what if the wind messed up Trump’s hair?

THK June 8, 2011 at 7:17 pm

No wind can ever mess up Trump’s hair. It is secured firmly in place with liquid bandage and the tears of poor children.
THK recently posted..Aww- look She thinks she can write

Noa June 8, 2011 at 6:48 pm

Isn’t this all just a description of John Gosselin?

Kella June 8, 2011 at 7:43 pm

Only if the ass in question is frequently coveted by underachieving 23-year-olds with no sense of self-worth or skin care product use.
Kella recently posted..Why I shouldn’t be allowed to flirt- Marriage- Year 4

Noa June 9, 2011 at 2:34 pm

Oh wow. That’s the worst punishment ever.

Kella June 9, 2011 at 3:50 pm

No.

He could be Bieber.
Kella recently posted..Why I shouldn’t be allowed to flirt- Marriage- Year 4

Kristen June 8, 2011 at 9:31 am

HA HA HA HA. Hilarious.

I’m fairly certain you could turn this into a wildly successful book.

Noa June 8, 2011 at 1:00 pm

Oh my God.
Moustache Girl

Rebekah Mae June 8, 2011 at 9:35 am

Oh and under… 6. Are You Wearing Clothes? The History of Bad Fashion 3300

you should also include:

-The Process of figuring out what shoes you can and cannot wear. Because every shoe has a weight limit.

Noa June 8, 2011 at 12:54 pm

I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT THE WEIGHT LIMITS. Damnit.

Thank you for catching this glaring hole in my curriculum. That’s what she said.

THK June 8, 2011 at 11:14 am

I’ve felt for a long time that everyone should serve a mandatory (jailtime?) sentence of 6-months to 1 year working retail, customer service, and/or food service. I call the class “How Not to Be An Ass To People 101.”

When you start having to put up with half the shit people think they can dish out to other human beings just because they’re on the other side of the counter/phone line and their own wallet is (voluntarily) involved, that’s when you learn that it’s not okay to treat other people as your own personal servants/slaves.

If you’re still an ass after completing the course, then obviously your only choice is to submit yourself to scientific study to further the learning material for Anthropology of The Douche 2300.
THK recently posted..Aww- look She thinks she can write

Noa June 8, 2011 at 12:56 pm

Coming from years of experience in customer service, I say A-FUCKING-MEN. There’s no need at all to be such assholes to the people that can help you if you are nice. It’s no secret that if you’re super nice to the reps, they are so much more willing to help you, because you’re not a giant asshat.

Thank you for this course suggestion.

Sarah June 8, 2011 at 1:51 pm

I’m willing to share my lab with the peeps from Anthro who are researching the cure for douchebaggery.
Sarah recently posted..Under Siege

THK June 8, 2011 at 3:39 pm

If we put our heads together, we can stamp out this disease that plagues humanity! No one should have to suffer through this debilitating disease. *obligatory tv advert tear*
THK recently posted..Aww- look She thinks she can write

Kella June 8, 2011 at 5:13 pm

I hear a public awareness campaign and requisite fundraiser with questionably-spent funds coming on…
Kella recently posted..Why I shouldn’t be allowed to flirt- Marriage- Year 4

Noa June 8, 2011 at 6:58 pm

Can the entire cast of all of the Real Housewives be the spokespeople?

Kella June 8, 2011 at 7:21 pm

Only if I can pick out the literate ones. I’ve got a knack for telling IQ from a bitch’s T-zone…
Kella recently posted..Why I shouldn’t be allowed to flirt- Marriage- Year 4

Kella June 8, 2011 at 7:23 pm

…I hit reply too soon. I was going to follow that up with “…and we need the literate ones to read and sign the contracts for the rest of ‘em.”

See? I make more sense when I have my glasses on.
Kella recently posted..Why I shouldn’t be allowed to flirt- Marriage- Year 4

Noa June 8, 2011 at 7:37 pm

There’s gotta be at least 1 literate one, right? Surely there is.

Kella June 8, 2011 at 7:39 pm

If by literate you mean “Able to follow a mall directory” then I’m sure we’re good.
Kella recently posted..Why I shouldn’t be allowed to flirt- Marriage- Year 4

THK June 8, 2011 at 7:21 pm

At the end of it all we can have a press conference in which we firmly deny that we spent all of the campaign funds on multiple handles of vodka, overpriced whores, and Ball Deodorant.
THK recently posted..Aww- look She thinks she can write

Kella June 8, 2011 at 7:26 pm

I love you. I will keep your link information to contact you when I need PR management the next time they find a dead hooker tangled in the gun rack on my minivan.
Kella recently posted..Why I shouldn’t be allowed to flirt- Marriage- Year 4

Noa June 8, 2011 at 7:37 pm

I just witnessed a beautiful thing here.

Kella June 8, 2011 at 7:40 pm

I’m so glad you didn’t ask -how- she got tangled in the gun rack, or why there is a gun rack in the first place. Both were hard enough to explain the first time, and I don’t remember lies very well.

I’m more likely to say the hamsters did it this time ’round, and that just looks silly on a T-shirt.
Kella recently posted..Why I shouldn’t be allowed to flirt- Marriage- Year 4

THK June 8, 2011 at 9:23 pm

Dead hookers and ball deodorant bring people together. LIKE A FUCKING LIFETIME MOVIE.
THK recently posted..Aww- look She thinks she can write

Kella June 8, 2011 at 9:39 pm

I’m so putting that on my wall of quotes from other crazy people.
Kella recently posted..Why I shouldn’t be allowed to flirt- Marriage- Year 4

THK June 8, 2011 at 9:47 pm

My mother would be so proud of me.
THK recently posted..Aww- look She thinks she can write

Noa June 9, 2011 at 2:35 pm

I would watch that Lifetime movie. That would be the best day ever. Can Valerie Bertinelli star?

Norway June 13, 2011 at 12:45 am

Why are we wasting the money on *overpriced* whores? Why can’t we just get normal ones? Then we can buy more vodka.
This is all hypothetical of course. We categorally deny any knowledge of such irresponsible usage of funds.

Noa June 14, 2011 at 4:37 pm

Because our cause is “designed to move funds through tax free.”

J June 8, 2011 at 11:29 am

Noa…I love you. I laughed so hard I may have peed a little! I honestly think those classes might be mandatory for all of us. It really would be pretty damned beneficial!
J recently posted..Texting killed a good man

Noa June 8, 2011 at 12:56 pm

J, I love you right back. We can all learn from the douchiness of others (or douchecopterism, as I just learned.)

Noriko June 8, 2011 at 11:30 am

Aside from all of the awesome suggestions so far, I would like to include:

Exercise 1000
This course will go over basic movements, equipment, and gym etiquette.

Including:
– hours of cardio will not get you “toned”, it will only strengthen your lungs and heart
– 15% incline on the treadmill =/= 15% incline on the treadmill while hanging on
– women will not get bulky or look manly by lifting heavy weights, excessive amounts of food will (or several cycles of steroids)
– what NOT to wear to workout including heels, jeans, flip flops, excessive amounts of makeup (unless you’re a stripper doing a workout before you start work)
– abs are made in the kitchen, not by the 1001 crunches you do a day

Noa June 8, 2011 at 12:58 pm

1) Your name is amazing.
2) And yes, I love all of these suggestions. Can we also add, “Saying you work out an hour a day when you stand around and text in the gym the whole time: Why lying is wrong.”

Noriko June 8, 2011 at 1:41 pm

1) Thanks!
2) So flippin’ true!! Also “Cell phone use: allowable only on the gym floor if you are a man expecting a call from your pregnant wife or a doctor.”

Kella June 8, 2011 at 5:24 pm

I’d like to see this added: “Ethical Self-Promotion 104: How to Avoid Telling People You’re a Gym Trainer When You Were Hired Yesterday to Mop the Men’s Showers”
Kella recently posted..Why I shouldn’t be allowed to flirt- Marriage- Year 4

Noa June 8, 2011 at 6:59 pm

“Ball Drying: No One Wants To See it.”

Kella June 8, 2011 at 7:20 pm

Forever this.
Kella recently posted..Why I shouldn’t be allowed to flirt- Marriage- Year 4

Christine June 8, 2011 at 2:00 pm

“Cue the goddamn confetti of sadness, you ridiculous fuck.”

This is quite possibly the greatest phrase I have ever read, and I feel I will need to use it often every day. With permission and proper credit of course. Because fuck everyone else.

Noa June 8, 2011 at 6:59 pm

You’re awesome, and I’m glad this could bring you joy.

Margaret Goerig June 8, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Commentology 3700
Prerequisites: Social Reprimand Practicum 1200 and 2200

A series of questions you need to ask yourself before hitting the Submit button on that blog you’re reading. Your answer will give you one of three possible cues:

1. Green means go. Post that comment!
2. Red means stop; consider it carefully; make a few changes and wait for the inevitable green light.
3. Traffic Spikes Ahead means turn around now and leave the way you came, because once you cross over, there’s no reverse option.

Here are a few example questions you might be asked during the semester:

**Have you been alone for most of the day, sealed in a metal tube and hurtling through time zones at hundreds of miles per hour, squished between strangers, surrounded by wailing kids, humiliated by thimble-sized glasses of water, fortified merely by greasy BBQ, cold fries and tepid espresso, consumed alone in a food court in Terminal E? Yes? Traffic Spikes Ahead.

**Is your comment making references, either directly or indirectly, to past lovers who may or may not have serious mental issues, such as pathological lying? Yes? Traffic Spikes Ahead.

**Are you currently drinking your second beer on a semi-empty stomach? Yes? Green. Oh, wait. You also answered yes to one or both of the previous two questions; didn’t you? Traffic Spikes Ahead.

**Do you anticipate one day reading the comment you’re about to make and having to do so through eyes squinted shut, softly humming to distract yourself from the feeling of discomfort spreading over you like a warm, clammy palm? Yes? Traffic Spikes Ahead.

By the end of the course, you will be proficient in creating your very own sets of questions to ask yourself.

Rave reviews have already been seen online, such as this one from Margaret G.: “I’ve been waiting my whole life for this class and I can’t believe it’s being offered. I have no idea who’s teaching it but go ahead and sign me up or send me the Cliff notes or something.”

Noa June 8, 2011 at 7:00 pm

This was a masterpiece of a comment. There is no proper response other than a round of applause.

Ninja Mom June 8, 2011 at 3:06 pm

“Cue the goddamn confetti of sadness, you ridiculous fuck.”

I just used this gem on my 6yo. Thank you. It’s changed my life.

I love all you’ve done here. Maybe a course on Post-Collegiate Grooming and Its Relation to Job Accquisition: Do PJs Say “Naptime” or “Hire Me for Your internet Start-up”?
Ninja Mom recently posted..Parent-to-Parent Dictionary- Because the truth hurts

Noa June 8, 2011 at 7:02 pm

Your child must have dangerously disappointed you. And I’m sure that course would include a section on, “It’s okay to nipslip if you get the job.”

Kella June 8, 2011 at 5:06 pm

I’m personally a fan of the companion-course to “Backhanded Compliment Deflection and Response 2600″ that expands on the rebuttals to include those suitable for business meetings and corporate-sponsored events, where networking is key:

– “Thank you! I’ll be sure to pass that along to your husband this evening.”
– “I’m sorry, feedback policy strictly dictates removing your head from your ass before delivery.”
– “While we do value your input, might we request a reach-around?”
Kella recently posted..Why I shouldn’t be allowed to flirt- Marriage- Year 4

Noa June 8, 2011 at 7:02 pm

HOW ARE YOU SO GOOD AT REBUTTALS?

Kella June 8, 2011 at 7:19 pm

…Practice.

Unfortunately, I took that course through a work-experience annex.
Kella recently posted..Why I shouldn’t be allowed to flirt- Marriage- Year 4

Noa June 9, 2011 at 2:36 pm

Motherfucker. I could really use that course, too.

Kella June 9, 2011 at 3:53 pm

Well, the instructor is my titnozzle of an ex-husband and whoever he’s fucking this year, but I’ll see what I can do to get you enrolled.

…You don’t have any severe reactions to the antibiotics normally prescribed for the standard, curable STI’s, do you? (I had that question put on the intake exam after they failed to provide me with the proper forms.)

emmysuh June 8, 2011 at 5:29 pm

Based on this course series description, pretty sure I am an unwilling participant in all these classes right now — Iiii didn’t sign up but everyone around me at work signed up. And flunked out. Multiple times. It’s like that Biology lab you HAVE to pass to get your university requirements and yet the unit on cell division gets you EVERY TIME.

Except instead of cell division, it’s people FUCKING with MY LIFE and demanding I listen to them talk about the artisan spring their grandparents had that their lucky* slaves got to drink out of**.

*Sarcasm intended by me although not by original speaker.
**Every part of this story actually was told to me. Whilst I was wearing sunglasses, had my iPod headphone in, and was buried in a book. THANKS, ASSCLOWNS.

Noa June 8, 2011 at 7:04 pm

Did…wait. Did this person tell you that their slaveowner grandparents found the fountain of youth? Why did they just choose a co-worker? Why not Fox News? I have a lot of questions now.

Chunky Mama June 9, 2011 at 12:12 am

Am too sleepy for a witty comment, but wanted to say I LOVED this!!! :)
Chunky Mama recently posted..My Bad Days Are The Stuff of Legends

Noa June 9, 2011 at 2:41 pm

Thank you so much! I really appreciate it.

elizabeth- flourish in progress June 9, 2011 at 12:45 pm

I think it’s pretty fucking clear what needs to happen here- you need to open up a school. These are all courses I desperately need to take. Every single one of them. Will I get a discount if I sign up for the full course load. Maybe even a free t-shirt that says “I’m a fuck up and only Noa’s Charm School can help me be a real human”?
elizabeth- flourish in progress recently posted..Dont take me dumpster diving Im bad luck

Noa June 9, 2011 at 2:50 pm

Not only that, but there’s an orientation on your first day in which we teach you the fight song: “Getting Lucky,” by the Chipettes. Because that’s what you’re aiming for, and Noa’s Charm School likes to set lofty goals.

Johi June 9, 2011 at 4:51 pm

You are a fucking genius. This is the highest of compliments from a classy bitch such as myself.
Johi recently posted..Teeth Schmeeth

Noa June 9, 2011 at 6:58 pm

Johi, that’s the greatest compliment once could ever receive. Thank you.

Rachael June 9, 2011 at 11:46 pm

I think a guest lecture from Wil Wheaton on “Don’t Be A Dick” would be important and exciting. I think more people need to learn how to not be a dick. I love “Responding to those Too-Curious-About-You.” Does that include “Oh, what medication are you taking? Really? What’s it for? Oh, you’re going to have AWFUL side effects”? Because usually if I take a pill I am trying to do it discreetly and for some reason there is always ONE PERSON who thinks it’s okay to strike up a conversation and really, dammit, I don’t want to talk about how I’m taking Advil because I have cramps for the first time since I got my IUD and cramps make me have to shit and I would prefer to not spend all of what-the-fuck-ever important day this is in the bathroom.

Actually, I think the proper thing to do there might just be to respond honestly and in graphic detail. And they’ll probably never ask again. Can I teach that class?
Rachael recently posted..Fashion- what were you thinking I could do better than this bullshit

Noa June 10, 2011 at 10:37 am

Yes, you can teach that class because whoa. Tell them it’s for Leprosy. Or Vaginal Gangrene. Or for the demon who lives in your soul and feasts upon your heart every night and comes to assault old people during the day.

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