I can’t shake the feeling that a large majority of college degrees are just absolute bullshit.
When you can get a degree in Home Furnishings, I really think you’re just wasting your fucking time and money and my sanity. I mean, really. Grab a Sears catalog, flip through.
Congratulations, you’re now a home furnishings graduate. Cue the goddamn confetti of sadness, you ridiculous fuck.
I figure if you’re going to want to spend all of this time working so hard, they need to teach you something that will actually be useful in your daily life.
1. Social Reprimand Practicum 1200 and 2200
This course takes you through the proper way to reprimand strangers, in social settings, who are being twats.
- Douchebag Driving Awareness
- Hang Up Your Phone, Asshole
- Moviegoing Muffwhacks
- Responding To Those Too-Curious-About-You
- Children as Assholes: How to Manage
- Goddamn Teenaged Heathens
2. Backhanded Compliment Deflection and Response 2600
For dealing with the jealous bitches in your life.
New variations on:
- “Oh yeah? Well, your FACE.”
- Abject silence.
- “Your mother Is A Whore.”
3. Social Skills Vs. Social Craptitude 3000 and 4000
Learn how to appropriately react in all kinds of social situations!
- What To Say In Elevators
- Appropriate Responses to Other’s Ills and Various Whinings/Bitchery
- Recognizing the Signs of Impending Social Shitequette
- Feigning Interest in Weddings/Kids/Divorces/Other People
- Should You Talk About Your Cats Now?
- Recovering From Making An Inadvertent Sexual Reference
4. Statistics of Barology 1000 (Mandatory)
The science and skill behind responsible alcohol consumption.
- Wine/Beer/Mixed Drink Timing Theory
- Sugar/Alcohol Ratios and Their Relation To Clothing Integrity
- Weight Distribution Formulas of Keg Stands, Bar Dances, and Heel Heights
- Decision Making Graphs (Including: Should I continue wearing these clothes, should I leave with this guy, and am I okay to do anything but go to sleep right now.)
5. Anthropology of The Douche 2300
The history, archaeology, and evolution of nature’s most abundant beast: The Douche.
- The Origin of The Douche: New Jersey
- Evolution and Creation Theory of The Douche
- The Douche as a Species: It’s Skills and Weaknesses (with recent updates regarding Energy Drinks and Reality TV)
- Recognizing the Douche Amongst Us: How To Protect Yourself and Others
- Hipsters: The Newest Mutation
- Interbreeding and its Dangerous Implications
6. Are You Wearing Clothes? The History of Bad Fashion 3300
A census of terrible fashion; past, present, and predictions for the future.
- Leggings: From Ancient Times to Today
- Goth as Fashion, Not Life Choice
- Shredded Clothing: Statement of High Fashion or Evolutionary Weakness?
- Glitter and Survival: Why The Strippers Always Win
- Makeup and Peacocking: Blue is Not Okay
7. English for Everyday Survival 1000 (Mandatory)
Because fuck you.
- Text Speak: The Cause of Herpes and Aids and even Super Aids (new evidence says Ebola, too)
- Political Rally Signs: How Spelling Can Further Your Cause
- Tenses and You
- No, That’s Not A Word!
- Did You Really Mean Literally? Science Says No.
- Z’s: Should You Add One to the End of this Word?
- Mute as a Life Choice
What courses did I miss that people really, really need?
—Favorite Comment From The Last Post: From Heather Heartless (really, the whole series of back and forth is worth reading, but this one just killed me):”Hospital elevator conversations are the best. I’m usually not participating because, well, holy fuck, y’all, but it’s always nice when people can radiate their own awkward onto innocent bystanders. The best ones are too graphic to post with any detail, but I’ll give you three words.Tampon. Forgetfulness. Gangrene.
I’ve always wanted to be trapped in a small, slow moving, metal box with someone with gangrene of the vagina. I wonder if Ball Fresh will help their crotch rot.
You could always try the “Chelsea Handler” and mutter things just loudly enough to be heard, but not so loud that they have to admit to themselves that you really just said “I want to lick you where you pee” or “That’s when Mom told me that it was family tradition for Grandpa to give all the kids herpes.”