Disney Spent a Lot of Time Fucking With Me.

06/15/2011 · 104 comments

in I'm A Terrible Person, Psychological Warfare, Social Services

Disney really tried hard to convey certain messages to children. To most little girls, it was all very clear–marry well, love long (but hold out that poonani), and wear sparkly motherfucking dresses.

I did not receive the same messages as most girls.

Aladdin

  • Disney’s Message: Be true to yourself.
  • Feminist Interpreted Message: You don’t have to really be yourself if you don’t want to.
  • Noa’s Message: Talking to strangers will get you a Genie and a Magic Carpet, so always do everything someone in a dungeon tells you to.

Beauty and The Beast

  • Disney’s Message: Love is blind.
  • Feminist Interpreted Message: Love is blind as long as he has money, even if he beats you.
  • Noa’s Message: Bestiality is cool as long as you’re prostituting for books n’shit (because then you’re a well-read animal abuser.) Also, your household items are watching you at all times.

Cinderella

  • Disney’s Message: One day, your prince will come (so wear good shoes.)
  • Feminist Interpreted Message: Pretty girls don’t have to work hard, and your new mommy is a whore.
  • Noa’s Message: Mice and birds are our slaves.

Snow White

  • Disney’s Message: Old bitches be vain, and that’s bad.
  • Feminist Interpreted Message: Old bitches be vain, and then kill pretty bitches.
  • Noa’s Message: The home invasion of little persons and necrophilia is A-OK.

The Little Mermaid

  • Disney’s Message: Love is often in unexpected places.
  • Feminist Interpreted Message: Change that shit for your man–no one wants to have sex with a fish. I mean, aren’t you taking this tuna thing a bit too far?
  • Noa’s Message: Throw trash into the ocean, because mermaids collect that shit like old women collect chin hairs.

The Lion King

  • Disney’s Message: Good above evil.
  • Feminist Interpreted Message: Bitches ain’t shit.
  • Noa’s Message: It’s cool to dick around all day as long as you get your shit done at the last minute. And, wildebeests are total dicks.

Pinocchio

  • Disney’s Message: Don’t lie.
  • Feminist Interpreted Message: Lying causes boners though, so…lie.
  • Noa’s Message: Fuck puppets. Damn things are scary.

Pocahontas

  • Disney’s Message: Love knows no skin color.
  • Feminist Interpreted Message: White men are pretty superior.
  • Noa’s Message: Singing with all the colors of the wind does not trump being tone-deaf.

Alice in Wonderland

  • Disney’s Message: New adventures are good.
  • Feminist Interpreted Message: Little girls get crazy ideas when they read.
  • Noa’s Message: Drinking unlabeled bottles is an amazing idea–could be MAGIC!

Tangled

  • Disney’s Message: There’s a whole world out there!
  • Feminist Interpreted Message: But you’ll need a man to see it.
  • Noa’s Message: Lots of people are creepy, artistic shut-ins, but at least they’re being held against their will, you whoresack.

What did Disney teach you?

Favorite Comments from The Last Post:
  • From Meg: “Next, Depends with pictures of Abe Vigoda for women, Betty White for men.”
  • And From THK: “ Noa, you’re thinking too small!
I’ve got a propsal for a great product for women–the Uterus Keg. It fits up in your hoo-haw, and you can accessorize with a variety of flashy tap handles. I’ve already got some slogans in the works:
“Fuck pregnancy. Here’s something you’ll *actually* want to carry around for nine months. (And you can still drink!)”
“Yeast infection? More like a yeast CELEBRATION!”
“Here’s the flow your man will want to know!”
“Giving good head without all the work.”
“Hey, at least he’ll go down there more often.”
Jessica June 15, 2011 at 2:53 am

THIS. MUST. BE. FATE.

I was just about to re-watch all the Disney movies I watched as a kid – there is always something awesome about re-appreciating children movies; catching the dirty jokes, etc.

If you must know, the one thing I learnt about the Little Mermaid was that wearing seashells instead of conservative turtlenecks was MORAL. (yeah, I’m come from a PRETTYYYY strict parental background.)

As for Mulan…

It’s okay to fall in love with the man who, a few hours earlier, left you to die on a mountain as long as he has abs.

ABS. Oh, boy.

I’m fifteen, okay? It’s normal for abs and penises to have like, a strange power over me.

….Yeah.

Noa June 15, 2011 at 3:20 pm

I totally forgot about Mulan, and now I am sad because I loved Mulan so hard. Goddamnit.

And yeah, seashells? Totally cool–I mean, work with what you have when your bottom half is a fish.

hoodyhoo June 15, 2011 at 6:02 am

You can’t forget Fantasia! The intended message of the Sorcerer’s Apprentice: Don’t try to take the easy way out, it’ll get you in the end. My message: Can’t trust a fucking broom.

Noa June 15, 2011 at 3:21 pm

I had a hard time with Fantasia, but I should have known you’d know what to say. A lot of Disney movies make people wary and untrusting of household items–have you noticed? Old Man Disney hated appliances n’shit.

Dear Sweet Mama June 15, 2011 at 4:55 pm

I am surprised Hoody didn’t write something about how old Walt must have hated mothers – all mothers were either bad or doomed to die and leave you all alone. Lesson – Get away from your mother as soon as you can – she will break your heart or kill you. Hmmm – is this why I can’t get Hoody to move nearer to me?

Noa June 15, 2011 at 7:43 pm

I’m sensing some Disney-esque awkwardness here.

hoodyhoo June 16, 2011 at 5:59 am

maybe if you’d quit trying to make me eat apples, DSM…

Meg June 15, 2011 at 6:35 am

Bedknobs and Broomsticks.

I don’t really have a lesson here. Even as a kid I remember thinking it was an odd name for a movie. As an adult, it’s just downright kinky. The whole movie revolves around a magical traveling bed. Bedknobs…sounds more like a bad, sodomistic(is that a word?) S&M porno if you ask me. Not that you’re asking.

Noa June 15, 2011 at 3:21 pm

I’ve never even heard of that, but it really sounds like a bad (or awesome) porn.

And now I’m off to find that movie, and be terribly disappointed.

unmitigated me June 15, 2011 at 7:04 am

The Disney stuff that came out when I was kid was not only dreadful, it didn’t feature princesses! I’m thinking more along the line of lessons from Grease: If you don’t get the man, turn into a slut! Works every time.

Noa June 15, 2011 at 3:22 pm

Right? No need to be nice or kind, just be a big ol’ tramp! HE’LL LOVE IT.

To be fair though, Travolta is kind of a creepo, and that’s probably the only way Sandy could catch his eye.

Abby June 15, 2011 at 7:29 am

Along with your synopsis, I will add that Disney taught me that a) no one seems to have a mother, so you must become a wife b) it’s more interesting to look for the subliminal porn messages in each movie than to watch the movie itself, c) I never want to have children, not only because I don’t enjoy children, but because they will want me to spend $200 a ticket to go to Disney World and buy all the shit from the movies.

Noa June 15, 2011 at 3:23 pm

“PLEASE BUY ME THIS DRESS!”
“You understand the implications of buying the merchandise of an anti-semitic, sex-crazed possible pedophile?”
“I JUST WANT TO FUCKING SPARKLE, MOMMY.”

I applaud you, Abby.

Siren June 15, 2011 at 7:54 am

Dumbo: Do not be born deformed, because people will ridicule you and then lock up your mother and make you jump out of a tree with a feather jammed up your nose.

Bambi: Deer hunters and all other humans are assholes.

Peter Pan: If a creepy self-centered flying puer aeternus kidnaps you from the nursery, your parents won’t even notice. Little fairies are jealous and not to be trusted. Also, don’t fuck with crocodiles.

Noa June 15, 2011 at 3:24 pm

I can’t sit the whole way through Dumbo to this very day because it’s Just. So. Sad. Ever read the lyrics to “Baby Mine?” Oh fuck no, Disney. I can’t deal with that kind of heartache in a movie intended for children.

The crocodile message though? A good one.

Dear Sweet Mama June 15, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Don’t even mention Dumbo around me. Sweet baby Jesus, that is one fucking sad movie.

Noa June 15, 2011 at 7:44 pm

Also: Fox and the Hound. Tears. Lots of them.

Siren June 15, 2011 at 11:38 pm

Oh my god, tearjerkers? Old Yeller was a Disney film.

Old Yeller: Never get attached to a dog. EVER.

Dear Sweet Mama June 16, 2011 at 7:41 am

If Ol Walt didn’t put you into therapy he wasn’t happy. Probably because he was as gay as all his art department but wouldn’t come out of the closet.

Amanda June 16, 2011 at 9:01 pm

Dumbo was awesome for all of the cultural references! Pink elephants = DTs. The crows said way too much about the race differences of the time. And Storks bring babies to all of the mothers- WTF!

Noa October 3, 2011 at 6:10 pm

Oh the crows. How did they ever make it into the movie?

Jaclyn June 15, 2011 at 8:03 am

I had a creepy uncle or two, so the whole thing about his uncle being a douche bag in the Lion King made me exceptionally untrusting of my greasy, molesty uncle especially. I could totally see him knocking someone into a stampede to get what he wanted (which was to molest young girls, in case that was unclear). The dad in the Lion King died in a stampede right? I haven’t seen that movie in fucking YEARS.

Noa June 15, 2011 at 3:26 pm

I’m pretty confident that Scar’s lessons of, “uncles be crazy,” is a good message to gain from that movie, because if your uncle in real life gets your dad killed, then Lion King could have saved his life.

And yeah, Mufasa totally fucking died in a stampede.

Audra October 1, 2011 at 3:27 pm

I think Jaclyn and I had the same uncle. Or, great uncle, in my case. I try to emphasize that distinction whenever possible.

I always thought the Lion King was a cool retelling of Hamlet, with Jeremy Irons as Claudius.

“Mufasa! Oooo, do it again! Mufasa Mufasa Mufasa!” Now THAT’s kinky.

Noa October 3, 2011 at 6:11 pm

My father in law sounds like a Hungarian Mufasa. Thanks, Audra.

Jenn June 15, 2011 at 8:09 am

@Siren I actually think that the Peter Pan lesson of “don’t fuck wit crocodiles” is the probably their most useful piece of advice.

Little Mermaid
Disney: love triumphs over all challenges
Feminist: apparently one must give up their voice to find a man to love her
My Lesson: never trust a giant sea witch that looks like a squid to keep her end of the bargain.

Noa June 15, 2011 at 3:26 pm

Disney bitches are just total idiots, aren’t they? “No, it’s cool, trust that old bitch that your dad exiled. He was just being rude, you know?”

Norway June 18, 2011 at 2:06 pm

So Ursula sings “Poor Unfortunate Souls”, right? (actually an awesome song)But… Ariel’s ginger. She doesn’t HAVE a soul (I’m pretty sure that applies to mermaids as well, doesn’t it?)

Noa October 3, 2011 at 6:11 pm

That changes everything.

Andi June 15, 2011 at 8:55 am

My favorite Disney movie is Robin Hood (the cartoon version).

Disney: It’s ok to steal as long as you do it for the right reasons.
Feminist: All women need a man to rescue them from their evil guardian.
Andi: Men dressed as women are an excellent distraction when you’re trying to steal shit. This was reinforced later by Jane’s Addiction.

I also think The Little Mermaid is all kinds of effed up. The main lesson: Disobeying your parents is ok as long as you get married afterwards. I’m pretty sure this is not a good thing to teach girls.

Noa June 15, 2011 at 3:28 pm

That same message you gained from Robin Hood was also reinforced in Mulan, tying in a clusterfuck of horrible lessons. “You should bang that guy who left you on the mountain to die after you saved his ass, but he needs to be a tranny.”

The Little Mermaid was, clearly now, the predecessor to 16 and Pregnant.

Andi June 15, 2011 at 5:21 pm

I feel like we should have been expecting that, with the rash of little girls named Ariel a few years back. Seems obvious in hindsight, doesn’t it?

Also, I don’t get the movies’ fascination with transvestism. I’ve seen less cross-dressing on the street than I have on the screen. It always seems to be a code for getting people to underestimate a guy so he can take advantage of them. Because I know I always underestimate women who are six feet tall and have 5 ‘o clock shadow. Wait, no, I don’t. Maybe this is a corollary to the “bad guys are always stupid” rule.

Noa June 15, 2011 at 7:45 pm

It’s a tranny conspiracy: Michelle Bachmann style.

Leauxra June 15, 2011 at 9:19 am

What about Hercules?
Disney: Wait, you know, I don’t know if Disney HAD a point on this one, I think they just thought it was funny to have Greek Muses sing gospel music.
Feminist: It’s OK to be a bitchy, sarcastic, double-dealing woman because the right man will see through it and love you anyway.
Leauxra: Hey, they left out the part when Hercules eventually dumps Megara because she is unable to bear children. Am I the ONLY one who reads?

Lilo and Stitch:
Disney: Family will triumph over all adversity, and social services wants to destroy families.
Feminist: Uh… wtf? ALIENS? DOGS? Um… yeah. Little girls need to be rescued from social services by male aliens, y’all. Maybe.
Leauxra: Pick the WEIRDEST damned dog at the pound, especially if it talks, because later you can ride in a space ship.

Noa June 15, 2011 at 3:29 pm

Yeah, Lilo and Stitch did a great job of telling kids, “social services is the devil, even if your sister can’t afford to feed you.”

It’s funny how they never show what happens after these movies. Because you KNOW Snow White wasn’t expecting all the weird implications of marrying the price who kissed her when he thought she was dead.

Johi June 15, 2011 at 9:25 am

My friend’s 3 year old daughter watched Cinderella and afterwards turned to her mom and said “Mommy, I don’t want to marry a man that I don’t even know!”
Bahaha!
That’s right honey! Because any schmuck can act like Prince Fucking Charming for 3 chance meetings. Try living with the dude for awhile and see if his farts, AC/DC posters, neon beer signs and Star Wars Action Figure collection are really all that charming.

Sarah June 15, 2011 at 9:27 am

Your friend is raising that girl RIGHT!

Noa June 15, 2011 at 3:30 pm

Hear hear! That’s a damn fine 3 year old.

Sarah June 15, 2011 at 9:26 am

What about Lady and the Tramp? You can be a scoundrel, on the run from the law, and homeless, but as long as you have charisma, you’ll get the pretty, rich girl (dog)?

Noa June 15, 2011 at 3:30 pm

That singular lesson is the reason Cosmopolitan Magazine continues to run to this very day.

Norway June 18, 2011 at 2:20 pm

I’m pretty sure that was the point to Tangled as well. And Aladdin.

Rebecca Rhielle June 21, 2011 at 11:16 pm

Actually, I always wanted to be Peg in this movie. You know, the white, slutty one who sings in the pound? Wow. I think I just explained alot to myself…

Noa June 22, 2011 at 7:07 pm

I’m…not surprised. Sorry. She was sassy as fuck, and so are you.

Alexis June 15, 2011 at 9:26 am

What I learned from Disney is that in order to get that “awesome” happy ending, you must be: a) an orphan b) you have one parent but the other was either killed tragically, replaced by an evil substitute or never ever spoken of or c) be some type of magical creature or talking animal.
So…. how does any of this apply to me? Just sayin’.

Noa June 15, 2011 at 3:31 pm

It sets unrealistic expectations for your life which must then be filled with Disney merch.

Dangerboy June 15, 2011 at 9:31 am

The thing that I learned from Disney? Bad Guys FALL. It’s the #1 way to die in Disney. Falling to your death is so common in Disney movies that all their corporate execs have special insurance riders for plummeting “accidents”.

Noa June 15, 2011 at 3:32 pm

I never even thought about that, but it’s completely true.

You just blew my mind there.

Jaclyn June 15, 2011 at 3:43 pm

I think they have to do that because stabbing or shooting or bludgeoning would be very graphic for children. With the falling death, the character just sort of disappears and it’s implied that he’s paid for his sins. Fuckin Disney.

Noa June 15, 2011 at 7:45 pm

I could pull a card out here about Judaism and Old Man Disney and Hell, but I’ll let it be lest I sound like a crazy.

Audra October 1, 2011 at 3:35 pm

I always thought that’s one of the cool things about Captain Kirk in the movie Star Trek III: The Search for Spock. While it looks like, yet again, the hero will stick himself in the ass by saving the undeserving villain, Kirk instead offers his help, and when the guy is a douche, Kirk just kicks him over the edge of the cliff.

Here’s the (shortened) Google Books link to the scene, as written in the novelization of the film:
http://bit.ly/pwnFXO

Awesome stuff.

Noa October 3, 2011 at 6:12 pm

I just can’t get into any of Kirk’s time. I can only see him being the largest douche of all.

Zombie, Esq. June 15, 2011 at 10:14 am

Disney just taught me that if I could find magic mice, all my problems would be solved. They’d clean my house, solve my mysteries and rescue me any time I got lost. Now, as an adult, I realize if I found magic mice I would inevitably just end up with magic leftovers in my cat’s litterbox.

Noa June 15, 2011 at 3:33 pm

“The litterbox is singing and I am afraid.”

Where are these magic, jaunty little mice? WHERE’S MY CARRIAGE, BITCH?

Zombie, Esq. June 15, 2011 at 8:21 pm

Considering my housekeeping skills, even a magic litterbox gnome would be an improvement. And I hope magic mice these days understand that by carriage, I probably mean Bugatti. This bitch doesn’t have time for horses, yo.

Noa June 16, 2011 at 9:45 pm

Bitch don’t mess around with mice slavery.

momiss June 15, 2011 at 10:22 am

AMEN to all of that! I was over Disney before I hit puberty, and I thank God for it everyday. My poor daughter never got to watch any of the movies without my added comments. My favorite example, “Now, why would Ariel sell her soul to the devil to meet a man? She should give herself a chance!” lol The trick is to do this while the child’s brain still works and is not in that daze of hormones we call adolensence. She was 3. It worked beautifully!

Noa June 15, 2011 at 3:34 pm

It’s a beautiful sort of stress therapy for kids, and I like it.

Tova June 15, 2011 at 10:47 am

I was just disappointed when I burst in to song and all the woodland creatures in real life didn’t know the dance routine. That’s where I really felt Disney let me down.

THK June 15, 2011 at 11:39 am

I find I have the same problem with complete strangers on the street, in the shopping mall, at the gynecologist, etc. Musicals in general have given me unrealistic expectations.

Kaye June 15, 2011 at 12:36 pm

Amen

Noa June 15, 2011 at 3:34 pm

Right?! I WANT MY DISHES TO SING TO ME, GODDAMN IT. Fuck, lifetime of disappointment right there.

THK June 15, 2011 at 11:37 am

What I learned from Disney movies, from the perspective of an aspiring creative writer, is that if you can’t come up with a good idea, just rip something off from hundreds and/or thousands of years ago. If you throw in a fuck-ton of sparkles and everyone is singing the whole time, no one will notice or care.

Also, Sleeping Beauty: “Sewing is women’s work. If you run away to frolic in the woods instead of doing women-things, an evil spinning wheel will stab you and put you into a coma.”

101 Dalmations: “It’s okay to hoard massive amounts of animals, so long as you have plot device on your side.”

The Sword in the Stone: “The only way poor people will ever rise up in class/wealth is through a magical sword in a fucking rock. Don’t bet on your chances, here.”

The Jungle Book: “Go on, bears won’t maul you. They’re zany and they like to sing and chillax. Go play with one. Do it. DO IT.”

The Aristocats: “Wait a sec… this is just 101 Dalmations again, but with cats, isn’t it? Ohhhh, I see what you’re doing there, Disney. Cunning!”

The Fox and the Hound: “If it weren’t for people, all of nature would just get along and play and be vegetarian, dammit! Why are you fucking with the natural order of things? PETA! PETA! PETA!”

The Hunchback of Notre Dame: “It doesn’t matter if you’re the sweetest guy in the world, and that other guy is a jackass. He’s got a pretty face, and you’re disfigured and living in a tower. You should give up on the woman of your dreams, because she’s going to go with pretty boy on this one.” I felt this was the most honest of the Disney movies.

Noa June 15, 2011 at 3:36 pm

Hunchback of Notre Dame really kept that guy in his place, you know? “You’re ugly, so fuck you.”

I never even thought about 101 Dalmations, but holy shit. Disney is responsible for all documentary shows.

THK June 15, 2011 at 7:33 pm

Yeah, they even made that second Hunchback of Notre Dame movie that proved, “If you’re that ugly the only person who could ever love you is a blind chick.” My god. I can’t believe the messages that sent.

I wonder if anyone’s ever done a 101 Dalmations-style Hoarders episode. Because that’s all I can think of with that many dogs living in a British apartment.

Noa June 15, 2011 at 7:46 pm

I never saw the second one, but now I’m horrified. They clearly were trying for, “someone for everyone,” but what they got was, “you’re a real ugly bastard, you know that?”

Apa June 21, 2011 at 11:37 am

“[I]f you can’t come up with a good idea, just rip something off from hundreds and/or thousands of years ago.”

Welcome to the way stories have been told for hundreds and/or thousands of years. You do know “Romeo & Juliet” was basically a re-write of Pyramus & Thisbe, right? And Pygmalion was a myth before George Bernard Shaw got his hands on it? And the majority of the gods from those mythologies were based on other, older gods from conquered/extinct societies, right?

Noa June 21, 2011 at 8:36 pm

Yes, literature through all ages has spent a lot of time fucking with all of us.

Handflapper June 15, 2011 at 12:24 pm

The lesson from the most recent Disney movies seems to be that farts and stepping in shit are huh-LAR-ious. I only wish Disney had told me this before I got all pissed off at my dog for taking a dump in the bathroom doorway.

Noa June 15, 2011 at 3:36 pm

Even when I was a child, I never thought farts were funny.

Weird that I do now, though.

Lilscorpiosweet June 15, 2011 at 4:55 pm

How about The Princess and the Frog?
Disney: Anyone can triumph over adversity.
Feminist: Even a woman of color can have her dream come true and get the man of their dreams
Lilscorpiosweet: You obviously have to play hard ball to get what you want and kiss a bunch of frogs to find your prince.. only I settled for the frog.

Obviously The Princess and the Frog lied because wishing on stars didn’t help either and your best friend is a rich bitch that doesn’t share and wants you to do all the work, including finding her a man.

So Disney taught me that wishing on stars: I would get anything I wanted, believing in fairies: I would get magic pixie dust to fly, having animal friends as well as AI appliances: would do my work for me (in Herbie’s case it would drive me anywhere), having the prince of my dreams: I could take my pick of all the gorgeous men and they would love me no matter what I looked like. I also had to watch out for evil appliances like spindles and poisoned fruit and I also had to watch my back because creatures were out to confuse me and my siblings were out to get me. I also wasn’t supposed to trust strangers.

(not sure I covered everything and I think I am missing something.)

Noa June 15, 2011 at 7:48 pm

There are so many crazy fucked up things about Princess and the Frog. One of the first drafts had Tiana as a slave. I’m honestly impressed Disney didn’t name her J’aniqua or some other horrible stereotype. They really pulled out the crazy cork on that one.

Eejaye June 15, 2011 at 5:33 pm

“Singing with all the colors of the wind does not trump being tone-deaf.” — That made coffee come out my nose. Thanks for that.

I can’t say Disney distorted my view on life. Until “Little Mermaid” and I fell in love with Prince Erik. So maybe Disney taught me that I’m a total whore who will like even fictional well drawn men.

Noa June 15, 2011 at 7:49 pm

Hope you don’t find the DeviantArt gallery featuring “Dirty Disney Princes,” in which they’re drawn lifelike and mostly nude.

Seriously, hope you don’t find it. It’s on Buzzfeed too.

Mario June 15, 2011 at 6:02 pm

Fantasia- taught me that if you have a job that requires manual labor, doing PCP while at the job makes the brooms walk upright and try to drownd you. But then you tell your boss what you saw and you get fired.

Snow White- Taught me what a bukake was before i ever even saw one.

Trazan- That if you leave a human being alone in the jungle to be raised by animals, he will grow up to be Tony Hawk.

Dinosaur- Not going to make fun of dinosaur, dinosaurs are awesome.

Noa June 15, 2011 at 7:49 pm

Thank you for using the word bukakke. That was magical.

Rachael June 15, 2011 at 6:11 pm

Disney taught me:
– (via Cinderella) that boys only want to marry girls with tiny feet, so I would never find love.
– (via The Little Mermaid) that I have to have a pretty singing voice if I want to marry someone awesome, and I can’t sing.
– (via Aladdin) that the really nice guy next door is going to marry a princess, so don’t even bother.
– (via Mulan) that I have to dress like a man dressed like a woman and sneak into a fortress to defeat Attila the Hun in order to find love. Screw you, Disney. Attila the Hun isn’t even alive anymore. WAY TO SET IMPOSSIBLE STANDARDS.

Noa June 15, 2011 at 7:50 pm

I can’t even deal with the funny in this one. Way to go.

Rachael June 16, 2011 at 11:55 pm

It’s even worse when you put it all together. You need to be a small-footed princess with a pretty singing voice who almost singlehandedly defeated the Huns by crossdressing. I mean, come ON.

Noa October 3, 2011 at 6:13 pm

Also, at the end, we’ll pretend you never saved our country. Spread the legs, bitch!

wagthedad June 16, 2011 at 3:45 am

Disney taught me that video piracy is OK. Because when you buy a fucking Disney DVD, it is nearly impossible to get to the movie without having to watch at least 20 different previews first. The best part is the “Disney Fast Play” bullshit. You click that, and you might as well go off to Afghanistan, ’cause it’s gonna take that long, some homemade explosive shit and a caftan before you’re gonna find that film.

Not to mention that you kind of have to pretend to have morals and standards, because your kids are watching, usually, and usually what you want to do is to go pop a beer instead, and this is the last thing you have to do before you can go do that, and anyway it sucks ass.

What I learned from Cinderella is that it’s OK to dance with some chick for an hour or so and then ask her to marry you. THAT flies pretty well, believe me.

Noa June 16, 2011 at 1:07 pm

You get a fun (holy shit, I tried to type fun but my first try came out fuck. That’s not good) perspective there as a Dad, silently drinking vodka in the corner while your kids cry about bambi. Fuck morals–morals are for pussies.

lola June 16, 2011 at 10:14 am

Lucky for me, my boys have aged out of Disney…it’s WAY to confusing to us. But at 12, 9, and 8 they are not yet too old for a story with a moral. Last night we watched M.Night Shyamalan’s “Devil”. The moral of this horror flick? Be good. Really. Be fucking good or the devil will come and take your soul. See how I impart these important life lessons upon my spawn? I’m SUCH a good mom! This parenting thing is cake. Oh…wait. Someone is crying. Something about Satan under his bed? Kids are so silly!

lola June 16, 2011 at 10:15 am

I’m not a moron. That “to” in the first sentence? Supposed to be “too”. HATE spelling errors.

Noa June 16, 2011 at 1:08 pm

Next: The Exorcist. Moral of the story? It’s going to happen to you tonight and the DEVIL IS IN YOUR CLOSET.

elizabeth- flourish in progress June 16, 2011 at 12:40 pm

I just want you to know that I hate myself for waiting one whole day to read this genius shit. That’s just one day I’ve now lost that I could have spent laughing. Also, one day lost in knowing that it’s a-ok to drink unlabeled shit. Because there’s lot of unlabeled shit at the crack house I visit all the time and I totally feel empowered to give it a go because you told me it was okay. Thanks in advance. Also, if I end up dead….

Noa June 16, 2011 at 1:06 pm

It could be magic. Go ahead and drink that shit. Nothing bad will happen to you.

toni in florida June 18, 2011 at 2:08 am

… said the pusher…

Noa October 3, 2011 at 6:13 pm

What? Me?

Heather Glaser June 16, 2011 at 3:26 pm

So, my friend and I are totally wondering what your write up for the male Disney characters would be like.

WE NEED ANSWERS TO THESE ALL IMPORTANT QUESTIONS.

kkthx <3

Noa June 16, 2011 at 9:51 pm

Tarzan, Prince Phillip, Prince Eric, Aladdin: If she doesn’t have millions, don’t stick your dick in it.
Beast: Unlawful imprisonment lands you the girl EVERY TIME.
Pinocchio: Is one sick bastard. And Geppetto.
Simba, Shang, Flynn Ryder, John Smith: BE THE BIG STONG MAN, cause her weak wrists can’t handle this shit.
Prince Charming: Foot fetishes will lead you to your true love.

Did I miss anyone?

HeathRobots June 16, 2011 at 9:06 pm

Just finished watching Tangled. Spent most of the movie having sympathy headaches for that poor girl. She was dragging around 43 pounds of hair!

All I learned, though, was that I need a chameleon. Those fuckers are funny.

Noa June 16, 2011 at 9:51 pm

That’s mostly what I got, too. Where’s my sassy chameleon?

Amanda June 16, 2011 at 9:08 pm

What happened to the language in Disney movies? The older Disney movies actually made use of more than 30 words.

For my boys, I let them watch South Park and Family Guy because they need to learn how to properly curse the asshats at school when they get into fights.

Noa June 16, 2011 at 9:52 pm

It’s going to make them more useful and hardy in the world. I applaud you.

Ena June 16, 2011 at 9:51 pm

The Hunchback of Notre Dame taught me that anyone can jump off a giant gothic cathedral and do a gymnastic graceful landing.

Incidentally, that’s also the time I broke every bone in my body… Odd how these things work out, isn’t it?

Noa June 16, 2011 at 9:53 pm

Fucking Disney and their lack of disclaimers. You should sue.

thehaughtylibrarian June 17, 2011 at 7:51 am

I think I was (still am?) too self-absorbed to learn anything from Disney. Or anyone for that matter.

Noa June 17, 2011 at 1:24 pm

You didn’t miss much.

thehaughtylibrarian June 17, 2011 at 5:16 pm

When I reread my comment it sounded rude and it wasn’t meant that way. I loved your Disney comments and they crack me up. What I *think* I meant was: I’m not good at listening.

Noa October 3, 2011 at 6:14 pm

I didn’t take it as rude at all! I know a girl who was never allowed to watch disney movies, and I’m pretty jealous.

Emily June 17, 2011 at 10:55 am

I have had the SHITTIEST week. I cannot even explain to you the amount of good this amazing post did for me. God bless you, and your biblical understanding of Disney.

Noa June 17, 2011 at 1:24 pm

You’re absolutely welcome.

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