Conversation Starters For The Soulless

06/29/2011 · 105 comments

in How Did My Life Come To This, I'm A Terrible Person, Social Services

Real things that I think throughout my day that should never be said to anyone ever, proving once again why I should never be let out of my own home.

What would the world be like if haircuts were like tattoos and whatever you get first would stay that way forever?

Instead of getting people’s names tattooed on your bicep, you’d have a permanent gericurl. Or instead of tramp stamps, you have a rat-tail. There would be as many shitty faded Taz tattoos and poorly designed tribals as regrettably uneven bowl cuts and rebellious pixie cuts.

Are there Asian Little People?

Wow. Is it racist to think that or some other form of terrible inadvertent prejudice?

Okay, well, Google says there are Asian Little People, but results on whether I still have a soul are inconclusive.

Old people get really sad bonus gifts. The Scooter Store gives away large print playing cards, Craftmatic gives away color TV’s, Life Alert gives away sadness and bedsores.

They should arm old people instead.
“With every Rascal comes a Gatling Gun!”
“Life Alert, now with more switchblades. Help, I’ve fallen and I’m taking your ass out!”

Porn and Puppets are best viewed in poor definition–neither are flattered by the HD revolution.

Wait. Is there Sesame Street porn? More to the point, who are the type of people who would want to watch it? Besides me, of course. Felt Fetishists? Muppet Meat-Beaters? Puppet Penis Poppers?

Google says yes, there is Sesame Street porn. And I will never be the same again.

All addictions should be as useful as extreme couponing.

Like if heroin did your dishes. And meth granted wishes.

Bristol Palin is being a huge twat. She’s going around saying her virginity was stolen from her, but denying that Levi stole it, just that she made a shitty decision.

By saying that, she’s saying she stole her own virginity and that’s goddamn insurance fraud.

Confetti makes all situations better, doesn’t it?

Nana died. POOF, CONFETTI MOTHERFUCKER.
I’ve got the herp. POOF, CONFETTI MOTHERFUCKER.
I watched your dad fuck a donkey. POOF, CONFETTI MOTHERFUCKER.

So, if you remove gender distinction in a preschool, it’s eliminating nurture from the gender debate. But what if you replaced all gender words with absurd animals instead?

Could you nurture children into being geckos, for instance? Or teach children to literally be giraffes?

If it worked, could that be the end of the endangered species list?

Clearly, I am one of the worst people alive.

What’s the worst way you’ve started a conversation, or had a conversation started with you?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Retailserf: “Worst sex advice I’ve ever seen: During the Swine Flu epidemic a couple of winters ago, Cosmo advised readers to be safe by having sex in reverse-cowgirl position, as the lack of mouth-to-mouth contact would (they felt) reduce the risk of catching Swine Flu from a partner. There was an illustration, as well. So how awkward is that? “You be all up in my vag, but you can’t kiss me. Swine Flu, you know. I’m just going to back up on you, and we’ll leave it at that.”

 

wagthedad June 29, 2011 at 2:03 am

A friend of mine was invited to the wedding of a friend of his, in South Africa. Wayyy out in the bush. So he flies in alone, rents a car, and drives for like 3 hours to get there. A stick shift. Jet lagged. On the left side of the road.

At some point he has to stop for about two hours because there is a giraffe carcass in the road and lions are eating it.

He gets to the pre-wedding party, thirsty, famished, and tired, gets out of his vehicle, and walks up to a group of about fifty people milling around on the grass.

The first thing he hears is a woman’s voice, calling out over the crowd, as in the music stops, everyone turns to him, and there is this one, single message carried over the din:

“Hey! You’re that guy who had sex with my friend!”

They had a nice conversation after that. And everybody at the party knew he was a guy who’d had sex with somebody.

Noa June 29, 2011 at 10:34 pm

What an entrance. The only thing that might have made it better is him walking in and just pointing at the person he had sex with and shouting, “HEY. REMEMBER WHEN WE FUCKED. IT’S ADAM. ADAMMM. NO? WELL, WE DID FUCK.”

wagthedad June 30, 2011 at 7:39 am

Wait. Do you KNOW him? Because his name really is Adam. Have you had sex with him? Be honest. Really. I’m sure he travels through Texas on occasion. Did you?

Noa June 30, 2011 at 2:19 pm

I’m psychic. Aren’t you? It’s part of the mythical genital thing.

karmawins June 29, 2011 at 6:08 am

Worst conversation starter – “We need to talk”. You may as well move straight into hysterics and throwing up when you hear it, because nothing good comes after that. Last time I heard it, it meant “I know we built a life together over the last ten years but now I’m going back to my double-wide second ex-wife who will soon be my fifth wife and in short order my fifth ex-wife because I keep following my dick like it’s a divining rod to happiness.” I paraphrased some of that, but that’s what it meant.

Noa June 30, 2011 at 12:17 am

“I keep following my dick like it’s a divining rod to happiness.”

That was fucking amazing. Thank you for sharing that with the world, because that may be the world’s most perfect sentence.

karmawins July 3, 2011 at 8:22 pm

Thank you, Noa. I am humbled.

Seriously, I want “She wrote the world’s most perfect sentence.” on my gravestone.

Love you, love your blog.

Noa July 3, 2011 at 10:04 pm

Thank you, my friend. I shall see that your wishes are carried out.

lola June 29, 2011 at 7:13 am

I have to disagree on one count. I HATE confetti. At least I hate GLITTER confetti. I think it was invented by Satan. There’s nothing worse than opening an envelope to find your clean kitchen floor littered with that stupid fucking sparkly confetti that NEVER comes up and sticks to everything. You end up walking out of your house and into the sunlight looking like a Cullen. I routinely use glitter confetti when I’m sending people hate mail (which I do frequently). It’s like an little extra “fuck you” right in the envelope.

Umm, but everything else you wrote? I agree with :)

Meagan June 29, 2011 at 10:43 am

bahahaha ‘looking like a cullen’. hilarious.

Noa June 30, 2011 at 12:19 am

I should have clarified. I prefer the rectangular paper confetti. Glitter confetti is the worst shit ever.

I second that laugh on the looking like a Cullen. That’s the best description of glitter I have ever heard.

KatieBee June 30, 2011 at 3:44 pm

Glitter is the herpes of the craft world. You *never* get rid of that shit.

Noa June 30, 2011 at 9:23 pm

The shame is as permanent, but certainly more flashy.

Ann June 29, 2011 at 8:25 am

So kinda off topic but in my younger years I was fooling around with this guy and once he went to take my shirt off, he started talking and having a conversation with my boobs…..not dirty talk but actually talking to them like I wasn’t in the room. Needless to say, that was the most awkward conversation I participated in and the make out session ended there.

Noa June 30, 2011 at 12:20 am

WHAAAAAA???

Did he discuss the news? What did he say?!?!?!

Ann June 30, 2011 at 9:47 am

He literally was just talking to them, saying how nice they were, etc, but not even looking at me or focusing on anything else. He was talking to them like they were another person in the room and I didn’t even exsist. I grabbed his face and started kissing him so he would stop talking!!! Seriously, you had to be there to understand how weird it all was…and sadly I was there!

wagthedad June 30, 2011 at 7:41 am

That is strange. Ranks up there with a guy I went to school with who said, in front of a girl he’d just met and after discovering she was majoring in ballet,
“I don’t like ballet because the guys always look like they have a pickle in their pants.”

I bet he talks to boobs.
wagthedad recently posted..In Search of a Better Toilet Design

Noa June 30, 2011 at 2:20 pm

But you know what? It totally does look they have pickles smuggled in their pants.

Andi June 29, 2011 at 8:25 am

Karmawins is right. “We need to talk” is the worst conversation starter ever, followed closely by “I love you” from someone you can barely tolerate. I should probably throw in “I’m very disappointed in you,” just to complete the napalm trifecta of evil conversational beginnings.

Lola is also right. Confetti, like glitter, is the STD of the crafts world. It gets everywhere, you can never get rid of it, and people get angry when you give it to them. Confetti makes everything instantly worse.

As far as your other questions:
1) If haircuts were like tattoos, the vast majority would never cut their hair. We’d be walking around in turbans like the Sikhs, just to contain our hair.

2) There are Asian Little People. Fisher Price is very democratic that way. My toy box when I was a child had quite a few Little People and I’m pretty sure at least one of them was Asian.

3) Nobody should arm old people. Old people are cranky. They should be given liquor, candy and cigarettes instead. What the hell, they’re gonna die soon anyway. Might as well make ‘em happy.

4) I don’t think HD really does anyone any favors. I’m tired of actors looking more real than their backgrounds. My biggest pet peeve with both puppets and porn is that they’re so poorly lit. It’s like soap operas — everything seems to take place in Southern California. Indoors. During a brownout. I always want to scream, “Turn the fucking lights on!”

5) Agreed, except extreme couponing is an addiction the way marathon running is an addiction. It’s the kind of addiction people brag about and you have to look at them all squinty-eyed in an effort not to kill them.

6) You can’t steal virginity unless you rape someone. And you can’t rape yourself. That’s practically the definition of informed consent. You know what you’re doing and you know you want it. Bristol Palin needs to be introduced to duct tape. Over her mouth. In fact, let’s apply it to the whole family (but not the babies, because they can’t talk yet and duct-taping babies is just cruel).

7) We already discussed confetti. Let’s not go there.

8) This sounds like an interesting experiment, except kids and sociology aren’t really a good mix. Remember that guy named Skinner, who raised his daughter in a box? She turned out ok, but still….a box. And there was a guy who spoke Klingon to his son for his first three years. The kid is a teen now — he turned out ok too, I guess. On second thought, go ahead and experiment. Those kids are hardy little buggers.
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Noa June 30, 2011 at 12:21 am

OH, MARATHON ADDICTS.

The people who remind you, with their terrible mental affliction, how much better they are than you. Fuck that shit.

Kids are meant to be exploited and experimented with–it’s why TLC exists!

Ann June 29, 2011 at 8:26 am

In my younger years I was fooling around with this guy and once he went to take my shirt off, he started talking and having a conversation with my boobs…..not dirty talk but actually talking to them like I wasn’t in the room. Needless to say, that was the most awkward conversation I participated in and the make out session ended there.

Noa June 30, 2011 at 12:22 am

The second time I read it, it was still fucking baffling. Did they talk back? What was he thinking?!?

Ann June 30, 2011 at 9:49 am

lol….no they didn’t talk back. I don’t know what he was thinking…or what I was thinking for that matter. It was a case of “He’s really hot and I want to hook up with him” but then when you do, the fantasy in your mind of how good it’s going to be never happens that way in real life. It’s funny now to think about it but still totally weird.

Noa June 30, 2011 at 2:21 pm

The hot ones so often turn out to be the largest of the douches. It’s so sad.

ColinP June 29, 2011 at 8:49 am

Back in college I got involved in a specialized minor program with a bunch of other students. It was really intense and we all got pretty close because of the work load. One of the women in the program with me went missing for a few weeks and then suddenly showed up again. We went off to get some lunch and catch each other up and I started the conversation by jokingly saying “So who died?”

Well about half a second later her face just fell and I felt like the biggest asshole ever as she proceeded to tell me that her mother had died after being hit by a drunk driver.
ColinP recently posted..Brooklyn’s Finest?

Noa June 30, 2011 at 12:24 am

Ohhhhhh that sucks so bad. Saying shit like that makes you want to die and crawl away and never ever show your face again.

I don’t even have a joke for this one. It just sucks.

ColinP July 1, 2011 at 1:26 pm

Needless to say I apologized profusely and she did end up laughing about it later on but I truly felt like the worlds biggest asshole.
ColinP recently posted..Brooklyn’s Finest?

Noa July 1, 2011 at 3:52 pm

If I had done that, I would relive that moment over and over and over again and that’s where anxiety disorders come from.

Johi June 29, 2011 at 8:50 am

My sister, upon a first meeting with a friend of mine who happened to have a sunburn, shrieked “OH MY GOD! I HOPE YOU DON’T ALWAYS LOOK THAT WAY!!!!”

We all still talk about it.
Johi recently posted..It’s not me, it’s you. No, it’s me.

Noa June 30, 2011 at 12:28 am

I would have, undoubtedly, said, “Oh, yeah, my hair looks awful today.”

Jessica June 29, 2011 at 8:59 am

Pretty sure meth grants wishes, it’s just you have to be on meth to notice them, that’s where the drug dealers get ya.

Noa June 30, 2011 at 12:29 am

Touche, Jessica. That’s the brilliance in marketing for drugs.

Tova June 29, 2011 at 10:17 am

My friend once started a phone conversation with “do you have an employee who owns goats?”
to be fair we were trying to rescue a goat outside someones house by phoning the commercial phone number on a truck after no one answered the door. but still, the guy was confused.

Noa June 30, 2011 at 12:29 am

Grace called me a couple days ago and said, “I have to call you back. I’m euthanizing something.”

Lynne June 29, 2011 at 10:38 am

Conversation starters as a way for someone to flirt are usually the most ridiculous. Here’s one I get pretty often:

I’m walking around, in full motorcycle gear (jacket, padded pants, Keyvlar boots, etc) and carrying a helmet, and guys will ask “Hey cool, do you ride a motorcycle?” or “Did you ride your motorcycle today?”

No, dumbass, I just like carrying all this shit around and wear suffocatingly hot clothing in 95deg weather. And, I’ve actually said that to people as I give them the “are you fucking kidding me” stare-down.

Noa June 30, 2011 at 12:32 am

A) Way to go for being a badass.

B) I do this kind of thing ALL THE TIME because I’m a huge a-hole who, clearly, sucks at beginning conversations. “Oh, you have a cat.” “Are you refilling that water bottle?” “Driving a truck, huh?” A+ Noa!

Meagan June 29, 2011 at 10:44 am

There is Sesame Street porn?! I am not googling this. I just am amazed, but also somehow not. And I dont think I have ever seen an Asian Little Person!
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Noa June 30, 2011 at 12:32 am

Please don’t google Sesame Street porn, especially with the safe search off. Just. No.

Donna Becker June 29, 2011 at 11:15 am

Just watch “Pit Boss” ( the Pit-Bull rescue reality show), there’s an Asian little person….just in case you want a visual.

Noa June 30, 2011 at 12:33 am

Is that on TLC?

Jess June 30, 2011 at 12:42 am

Animal Planet, I think.

Noa June 30, 2011 at 12:51 am

I am genuinely shocked that now Animal Planet is getting in the exploitation ring. IS NOTHING SACRED?

Goose June 29, 2011 at 11:37 am

Hired-Hand knocks on farmhouse door-

Woman: Yes Jorge? Is everything alright?

Hired-Hand: No senora. You husband, he fall off tractor, and Wheat Drill breed him…POOF, CONFETTI MOTHERFUCKER.

Noa June 30, 2011 at 12:33 am

Y’all, this is my cousin. This is what I come from. THIS IS WHY I AM SO FUCKED UP.

Goose: That was fucking hilarious.

lena June 29, 2011 at 11:58 am

I once started a conversation by asking if nuns got their periods. I mean, it kinda makes sense to ask. I means, if joining your life to jesus our lord and savior means trading all of life’s benefits for a lifetime of ugly ass uncomfortable clothes, orthopedic shoes and your bajingo being fore closed from the rest of peniskind; the least he could do is to take away your periods and the monthly need to shove a cotton dildo up your twat-hole. Makes sense to me anyway…

Noa June 30, 2011 at 12:35 am

That’s a damn good question. Do they have a preferred brand? Are they blessed before insertion? Is there a Nunly protocol for bajingo health?

Bayleigh June 29, 2011 at 12:15 pm

Glitter in any form is from the devil. I know that all Hell is is no air conditioning and fucking glitter everywhere.

Noa June 30, 2011 at 12:35 am

And puking babies.

Kella June 29, 2011 at 12:41 pm

Wait. Is there Sesame Street porn? More to the point, who are the type of people who would want to watch it? Besides me, of course. Felt Fetishists? Muppet Meat-Beaters? Puppet Penis Poppers?

Obviously, you and I had not become acquainted by the time people started searching for “naked sex muppets” and somehow found my blog that way.

Seriously.

Naked sex muppets.

That trumps finding my blog with “Naked Nathan Fillion with a fish” and “never let your friends tie you to the tracks”. But only by a fraction.

Then there are conversation starters I’ve had with people, such as in the grocery store this morning (when I had not yet had my morning Slim-Fast or cup of coffee…), that left even me stunned. (Bear in mind, I have the tendency to randomly convert nouns into verbs via “ing” and “er”/”ed” just because it’s the way I talk. When I’m half asleep, I lose the part of my consciousness that filters out my innate vocal tone of “You’re a fucking dumbass and should lose the instructions that tell you how to breathe on your own.”)

Woman (out loud, to no one in particular) – “I wonder how much pork I should get.”
Me – “Well, I suppose that depends on how much you enjoy porking.”
Butcher – (blank stare, followed by nervous laughter)
Woman – “I beg your pardon?”
Me (blissfully unaware of what has just happened) – “Oh, no, ma’am! It’s okay! You’re not in my way at all!” (cheerful smile)
Siobhan (my two-year-old): “Mommy? Say sorry.”

This is why my two-year-old deserves more cookies than I.
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Noa June 30, 2011 at 12:36 am

Your daughter is fantastic.

My favorite search term ever? “Grandma fucked a tree branch.” HRRRCKKK.

Kella June 30, 2011 at 2:30 am

My favorites, lately, have included:

* armed rodents
* random arm photo nathan fillion
* madam appartment
* what episode of yo gabba gabba is it the person hand farts twinkle twinkle little star
* pig mask
* +wilw “shut up wesley” shirt

and

* I will shrink you.

… because what the fuck.
Kella recently posted..Why socializing with other bloggers is dangerous…

Noa June 30, 2011 at 2:27 pm

From this month alone:
*when to show your vagina
*cheddar cheese taco vag
*noa gavin fucked (Goddamn it.)
*bedazzle dildo
*evil good fucking girls
*”i would ride him” her legs cat
*1 800 go fuck yourself
*was jackie evancho spanked?
*if a girl understands your bullshit

And, my favorite:
*cupcake up her naked butt

Kella June 30, 2011 at 4:24 pm

… I love you in an entirely unhealthy way, now.

I think i just laughed five inches off my ass.

Also? You are so getting me a bedazzled dildo for MY birthday…

Noa June 30, 2011 at 9:24 pm

I was thinking vortex fallopian tubes, but if that’s what you really want…

Kella July 1, 2011 at 12:11 am

Well, to be honest, I thought about asking for them… but I figured they’d clash too hard with my jaunty fedora, bedazzled with the crystallized tears of dumped cheerleaders.

Maybe I’ll let you buy me a cheddar cheese taco vag instead. You can never have enough of those (and 5-layer dip is just so passe at parties these days)…
Kella recently posted..Why socializing with other bloggers is dangerous…

Noa July 1, 2011 at 3:53 pm

HRRRCKKKK.

Charlie Dubs June 29, 2011 at 1:04 pm

There is puppet porn. You should watch the movie Meet The Feebles. It’s disturbing, but ah-mazing. There’s also a big musical number about sodomy in it.

Check out the trailer: http://youtu.be/6yrI01TOlOE

Noa June 30, 2011 at 12:37 am

Frankly, I can’t wait.

Angie H June 29, 2011 at 1:06 pm

Most awkward conversation started WITH me:
When my ex handed me the airline ticket stub he found in my car to a location I forgot to mention traveling to from the month before when I said I was somewhere else.

That conversation began with, “Is there anything you want to tell me?”

My response, “Yes, your lawyer sent you a letter to say he received notice that you were withdrawing your petition for divorce. I’m sure your WIFE????? is very happy.”

Awkward.
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Noa June 30, 2011 at 12:38 am

Wow. You win today, yo. That may be the most awkward conversation I’ve ever heard.

Angie H June 30, 2011 at 8:10 am

Ha! It’s all good.
:-) I ask to see a signed decree now though! Have a great day!
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Lilscorpiosweet June 29, 2011 at 1:58 pm

There was this one time at Band Camp……

Not really but had to put that here because I can’t imagine any good conversation coming from this.

Anyway my best friend and I were cruising Main Street and we were looking for some spare change to get a soda when she found a pair of underwear. They weren’t mine and they weren’t hers so just as we were turning the corner there was some dude standing there getting ready to cross. My best friend throws the underwear out the window and screams “Those aren’t my fucking underwear!” I swear that if the dude had been drinking something he would have choked. As it was he stumbled off the curb and fell to his knees because he was startled so badly. Later we found out they were her sister’s underwear.

I can’t help but laugh at how absurd that statement was and how she pointedly looked at me like I was the one that left my undies in her car. I don’t remember how the rest of the conversation went and I think it wasn’t as good as that statement.
Lilscorpiosweet recently posted..It was gonna EAT ME… TRUE STORY

Noa June 30, 2011 at 12:39 am

I’m suddenly planning on starting a viral campaign called pantytoss where you just drive down the road and whip panties out.

I need to buy a T-shirt gun ASAP.

Lilscorpiosweet June 30, 2011 at 1:50 am

Oh Lord.. I just about drenched my computer in ice tea when I read your comment.

The idea of a T-shirt gun loaded with panties is some how really funny at 1 a.m. I can’t help but wonder why my best friend and I didn’t get a T-shirt gun and just randomly shoot panties all over town. Would have been the best laugh ever! I do remember however that I was cruising around with another friend of mine and she was a triple d cup bra size. She put her bra on the antennae of the car and as she is driving this thing is whipping in the wind. I am not sure why but when I put mine on the antennae of the car it flew off, we couldn’t turn around and go get it. That was back in the days when my mom had to know everything and did know everything and was all in my face about where my bra was because she knew I didn’t leave the house without it.

Believe me I tried to tell her I didn’t wear one that day. She was like a hawk always watching me. So explaining to her what happened or why I wasn’t wearing a bra was just a touch embarrassing.
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Noa June 30, 2011 at 2:29 pm

My friend Louie once convinced me to strap a rather large bra about my head in a Dillards, and we must have shopped for a few hours, and in that time, I forgot it was there. So I was just walking on about, with a goddamn E size on my head. Because I am ubercool.

Jaclyn June 29, 2011 at 3:13 pm

You aren’t a terrible person and here is why: Your “cosmo” posts just saved me a whole lot of trouble explaining to a girl who used to work for me why everything Cosmo says is a terrible idea. You saved me and you saved her. She is 20 and I used to be her boss and 2 nights ago I got a text message at 12:30am telling me how she had just lost her virginity. And then today she was telling me how she wants to have sex on a beach and I sent her a link that basically said “don’t fuck on a beach” and she thought she should send me a link back and it was some bullshit link from cosmo about good places to fuck. And I was like NO… I will not let you ruin your innocence- not with Cosmo anyway. So I sent her your links and I hope she learned something. I truly hope.

Noa Gavin: saving just-barely-not-a-virgin-anymore 20 year olds from half a decade of Cosmo induced shame.
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Noa June 30, 2011 at 12:40 am

You just made me feel like the Jesus of Vaginas, and for that, I will be forever in your debt.

Beck June 29, 2011 at 4:54 pm

The smallest man in the world is a primordeal dwarf, he is 19 and lives in povvo regional China. He has a voice like a baby. I saw it on a BBC documentary so it MUST be true.

Noa June 30, 2011 at 12:41 am

If it were TLC, I’d question it, but not BBC. I am glad to know that dwarfism knows no color.

SassyO June 29, 2011 at 5:28 pm

About 10 years ago, when I was performing as one of the witches in MACBETH (without my cosmetic prosthesis…’cause I’m a frickin’ WITCH, yo!) we had school groups come in for Wednesday matinees.

Afterwards, we would have a Q&A session with our teenage audience.

One morning, a group of students from Villa Rica, GA came to see the show, and afterwards, one of the boys stood up and asked (in his thick Southern drawl) “How’d you get that nub?”

Noa June 30, 2011 at 12:43 am

This reminds me–I once saw a production of Oedipus Rex where the actors went back to the root and wore masks (and it was amazing.) In the final scenes, Oedipus leaves the stage, and comes back out with his eye-less, bloody horror mask. During the Q&A, a woman asked, “How did you tear your eyes out so quickly?”

Siren June 29, 2011 at 5:57 pm

The best worst conversation starter/pickup line I ever heard was during my short career as a child prostitute. I was a very young-looking thirteen and one night I was out turning tricks and this john pulled up and rolled down his window and leaned across the seat and yelled, “Wow, you look just like my daughter! How much for a blowjob?”

Which I think is perfectly hilarious but whenever I tell this story hardly anybody ever laughs.

Noa June 30, 2011 at 12:45 am

Sadly, I see that you’re going for in that situation, because from your perspective, it is pretty fucking funny.

But it also makes me want to give you a hug, a shot, and a bunny.

Noa June 30, 2011 at 12:45 am

Shot of alcohol. I feel the need to clear that up. Alcohol.

Siren June 30, 2011 at 8:36 am

A shot of penicillin would’ve been more helpful, I think. Though if I’d involved a bunny, I bet I could’ve charged that guy another fifty bucks or so.

Noa June 30, 2011 at 2:29 pm

Check and check. I’ll correct it for next time.

Wait. I mean…damn.

wagthedad June 30, 2011 at 7:45 am

I think that’s hilarious. 100%. The thing the guy said. Not the part about you being a child prostitute.
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Siren June 30, 2011 at 8:39 am

It WAS hilarious. It cracked me up then, and it cracks me up now. I kind of wanted to say something like, “Dude! We should cruise around for a while, find someone who looks like your mom, and totally call it a threesome!”

Noa June 30, 2011 at 2:30 pm

SEE? It is funny as hell. I would keep on telling that story, because there is humor on a lot of levels there.

elizabeth- flourish in progress June 29, 2011 at 6:44 pm

You mean, aside from the five or six times I’ve asked someone when they were due when they weren’t pregnant? Hmmm….recently (as in over the weekend) I saw someone I thought I had dated in a past life at a club. I asked him, “Hey, aren’t you still supposed to be in jail?” Turns out, it was a dude I knew from my Bible Study a few years back and not someone I had drunk sex with…sooo…there was that.
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Noa June 30, 2011 at 12:46 am

Just spin that shit! STICK TO YOUR STORY, HO. “You know, jail as in the bonds of human life on earth and not in heaven….WHAAAAAAT.”

Terra June 29, 2011 at 7:31 pm

Meet The Feebles is a must-see for your puppet-porn enjoyment … my husband made me watch it years ago (before we were married) and I married him despite it or I married him because of it – not sure. There’s also a great sex scene in Team America World Police.

On the subject of midgets … I saw a gay latino midget at a pride parade once … we still refer to that “demographic” as a “lidget”. That was the same pride parade that a friend of mine invited a not-gay midget up to my apartment after the parade and he had to fix the little guy a plate of food because he couldn’t reach the countertop – it took everything in me not to laugh.

Noa June 30, 2011 at 12:49 am

Team America references are almost as universal as Classic SNL references.

That may be the most minor of minorities I’ve ever heard of. Maybe if they had diabeetus, they would truly be one of a kind. Amazing.

Grace June 29, 2011 at 11:16 pm

We have an oddly large population of Hispanic dwarves in this town and they are ALL employed as bus boys at local restaurants. Well, it could be that there’s just one and he works at EVERY FREAKIN’ RESTAURANT. But, I’m gonna go with there is a mexican midget farm nearby, makes the most sense.

Noa June 30, 2011 at 12:50 am

The words, “mexican midget farm,” only makes me think of the Jack in the Box commercials for mini sirloin burgers.

Yippie-ay-o, MINI SIRLOIN BURGERS.

Terra June 30, 2011 at 9:33 pm

Ummm, there actually IS a midget community in my city. The woman writing the Wikipedia article is lying when she says it’s an “urban legend” because she’s from the press and we all know people from the press are inherently evil liars (I’ve been to the community … it’s creepy).

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Midgetville
An urban legend holds that with the success of the 1939 American musical fantasy film The Wizard of Oz, many of the little people who had acquired their wealth by playing the roles of the munchkins purchased lots in the La Linda development of Long Beach and built homes sized to suit their needs. La Linda affectionately became known as “Midget Town” and the proximity of the La Linda development to the studios allowed them to work many supporting casts in the movies from the 1940s on. [5]
In fact, La Linda, originally the home of George H. Bixby, was subdivided in 1922 and most of the homes were built before 1938. [6]

Noa July 1, 2011 at 3:53 pm

I HAVE HEARD OF THIS PLACE, AND DO THEY HAVE A HOTEL?

The Wannabe Houewife June 30, 2011 at 3:35 pm

One of the worst people alive?

False.

You are the epitome of how everyone should be.

I’m totally serious.
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Noa June 30, 2011 at 9:25 pm

And you have made my fucking day, yo.

Satan June 30, 2011 at 6:26 pm

oh i don’t know, those are all quite appropriate conversations among my friends. maybe you just need to join us! (JOOOIIIINNN UUUSSSSSS)
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Noa June 30, 2011 at 9:26 pm

You have some fucking cool friends.

Satan July 1, 2011 at 9:24 pm

yeah, we have a Monday Night Drinking Club. that shit gets ridiculous. any and all of your conversation starters here would be fair game.
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Noa July 3, 2011 at 10:05 pm

Fuck. Yes.

bschooled July 1, 2011 at 11:45 am

HA! Wait a minute…I thought meth did grant wishes? Or at least gave money.

I assumed it would take over the toothfairies place, seeing as the users have no teeth.
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Noa July 1, 2011 at 3:54 pm

I never thought of that. Do you think Meth is just a Tooth Fairy conspiracy, then? Like Michele Bachman thinks Swine Flu is an Obama conspiracy?

Rudy July 5, 2011 at 1:58 pm

So, there is puppet/muppet porn. I will not either confirm or deny that I saw it, but it does exist. If you want google “meet the Feebles.” It’s not porn but well, just horrible. There’s more where that comes from too.I heard of this abomination via a very drunk Marine.

Noa July 5, 2011 at 4:19 pm

Marines know some of the worst shit, which makes them the most excellent friends.

Norway July 16, 2011 at 2:08 pm

As I read the post and the comments, I’m constantly reminded of the very real conversations my friends and I have had at lunch. And I’m always about to mention them, when I realize that I would probably be met by *cricket noise* and all of you would give me that look that says “You are the worst person ever, and cooked fetus and schizophrenia are not funny”. Yeah, that’s the one. I’ll just leave in shame now…

Norway July 16, 2011 at 2:09 pm

I feel I should clarify. The schizophrenia and fetuses are not related. The fetus thing is a running joke among us… No, never mind. That just made it worse.

Noa July 17, 2011 at 11:28 pm

Honestly, I didn’t even fucking bat an eye. That’s how fucked up I am.

Andrea June 7, 2012 at 10:53 pm

Bristol Palin… Bristol sounds like a type of cleaner. Or a toilet brush.

I stole my own virginity. I stole it over and over again. It was a lot of fun and made the first time I let someone in my cooch a lot better. It was even mildly pleasurable.
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Noa June 9, 2012 at 11:58 am

I love you already.

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