There are some people in this world whose existence makes me seethe with an unnatural and yet extraordinarily powerful rage.
Nothing can break me of this, I’ve learned. Not repeated exposure, not tried-and-true positive feedback methods, not even booze. Not. Even. Booze.
Is it because of my dead soul, blackened by the hellfires of satire and sarcasm?
Is it because of my lonely, awkward existence?
No. It is because I. Am. Right.
1. Kevin Costner
Dear God, what is wrong with you?
I simply cannot fathom how you have continued to get work over the course of your lifetime because you must be the worst actor I have ever laid eyes upon, and I have watched Keanu Reeves do Shakespeare. And that should never have been allowed to happen. That is an atrocity unto mankind.
You were the STAR of Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves and your blocky, stilted, and altogether taint-smackingly bad acting placed alongside Morgan Freeman makes wolves search villages where this movie is being played simply to hunt down the townspeople to pay for it.
Do you want that kind of bloodshed on your hands, Mr. Costner?
2. Jackie Evancho
Your childlike wonder and innocence is what drives me to new heights of irrational rage, and that makes me the worst person who ever lived. It’s true.
You walk up on stage and sing Opera while I’m tonedeaf and you talk about charity and saving puppies and kittens and hugging clouds and giving homes to orphaned unicorns who lost their parents in the Narwhal Wars of ’89 and I. Just. Want. To. Hit. Someone.
But not you, because you’re a child and that would be wrong.
3. Nicholas Cage
Fuckballs, you’re not Rocky Goddamn Balboa, but that doesn’t stop you from trying. It’s sad really, like watching a bird with a busted wing. My heart goes out to you.
You’re proof that I could videotape a cat taking a shit off a bridge at sundown and put it up on the screen around some lens flares and burning text and it would make MILLIONS, GODDAMN IT.
How…wait, are you a robot? Dear God that’s it, isn’t it? You were sent here to test the limits of human jackassery. And you are winning. And you must be stopped.
Why don’t you just come out and call yourselves what you actually are, “The Disability Exploitation Channel.” Go on ahead and keep shilling out to, “promote awareness,” while you find every job every little person has ever taken and videotape it, and then on Sundays put up a marathon of people who are very seriously mentally ill.
I’m convinced that you are a modern plague on mankind, sent here to test our limits, just like Nicholas Cage’s continued action star career. How can you possibly maintain your ridiculous levels of childlike whimsy at 29-years-old while drinking the world’s shittiest beer and speaking in the most infuriating language? HOW?
But what kills me–what slays me–is your, “photography,” quotes used unironically. I don’t know how you have so much money in your trust fund, and so little grasp on the world and how it functions.
All it takes to be a hipster is a terribly misguided sense of entitlement and the Instagram app. Here. I’ll prove it.
Bamboo in a sock drawer? I’M THE SALVADOR DALI OF iPHONES, BITCHES.
It’s just that easy. Find something useless to take a picture of, slam a filter and some killer Helvetica on it, and IT’S FUCKING ART.
I’m going to put this for sale on Etsy. That’ll be $450.
That’s my necklace hanging dangerously in my breaker box while Adrian shines a lamp in the general direction of where I am standing. It is utter bullshit.
There’s no part of me that thinks my anger toward hipsters is in any way unjustified, when this shit would hang in a gallery.
Who or what do you have an irrational hatred of?
—Favorite Comment From The Last Post: From Tova: “I always thought it was ridiculous that trampoline was an Olympic sport. Trampoline is something you do in your backyard in the summer.
What’s next, Olympic hide and seek?
Announcer: “the Chinese have been missing for 6 days now. The French are beginning to suspect they just went home”