There are some people in this world whose existence makes me seethe with an unnatural and yet extraordinarily powerful rage.

Nothing can break me of this, I’ve learned. Not repeated exposure, not tried-and-true positive feedback methods, not even booze. Not. Even. Booze.

Is it because of my dead soul, blackened by the hellfires of satire and sarcasm?

Is it because of my lonely, awkward existence?

No. It is because I. Am. Right.

1. Kevin Costner

Dear God, what is wrong with you?

Everything, Noa. Everything.

I simply cannot fathom how you have continued to get work over the course of your lifetime because you must be the worst actor I have ever laid eyes upon, and I have watched Keanu Reeves do Shakespeare. And that should never have been allowed to happen. That is an atrocity unto mankind.

You were the STAR of Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves and your blocky, stilted, and altogether taint-smackingly bad acting placed alongside Morgan Freeman makes wolves search villages where this movie is being played simply to hunt down the townspeople to pay for it.

Do you want that kind of bloodshed on your hands, Mr. Costner?

DO YOU?

2. Jackie Evancho

Your childlike wonder and innocence is what drives me to new heights of irrational rage, and that makes me the worst person who ever lived. It’s true.

I'm so sorry, Jackie. I want to like you, but I can't. I just can't.

You walk up on stage and sing Opera while I’m tonedeaf and you talk about charity and saving puppies and kittens and hugging clouds and giving homes to orphaned unicorns who lost their parents in the Narwhal Wars of ’89 and I. Just. Want. To. Hit. Someone.

But not you, because you’re a child and that would be wrong.

3. Nicholas Cage

Fuckballs, you’re not Rocky Goddamn Balboa, but that doesn’t stop you from trying. It’s sad really, like watching a bird with a busted wing. My heart goes out to you.

No amount of matting can help you.

You’re proof that I could videotape a cat taking a shit off a bridge at sundown and put it up on the screen around some lens flares and burning text and it would make MILLIONS, GODDAMN IT.

How…wait, are you a robot? Dear God that’s it, isn’t it? You were sent here to test the limits of human jackassery. And you are winning. And you must be stopped.

4. TLC

Why don’t you just come out and call yourselves what you actually are, “The Disability Exploitation Channel.” Go on ahead and keep shilling out to, “promote awareness,” while you find every job every little person has ever taken and videotape it, and then on Sundays put up a marathon of people who are very seriously mentally ill.

It's their marketing ploy: brilliant and terrible.

5. Hipsters

I’m convinced that you are a modern plague on mankind, sent here to test our limits, just like Nicholas Cage’s continued action star career. How can you possibly maintain your ridiculous levels of childlike whimsy at 29-years-old while drinking the world’s shittiest beer and speaking in the most infuriating language? HOW?

It's a drunken Peter Pan.

But what kills me–what slays me–is your, “photography,” quotes used unironically. I don’t know how you have so much money in your trust fund, and so little grasp on the world and how it functions.

All it takes to be a hipster is a terribly misguided sense of entitlement and the Instagram app. Here. I’ll prove it.

I'm not even trying.

Bamboo in a sock drawer? I’M THE SALVADOR DALI OF iPHONES, BITCHES.

It’s just that easy. Find something useless to take a picture of, slam a filter and some killer Helvetica on it, and IT’S FUCKING ART.

Dildoish Waterbottle + Instagram = Art.

I’m going to put this for sale on Etsy. That’ll be $450.

It's like shooting really sad fish in a really dirty barrel full of vinyl and Pabst.

That’s my necklace hanging dangerously in my breaker box while Adrian shines a lamp in the general direction of where I am standing. It is utter bullshit.

There’s no part of me that thinks my anger toward hipsters is in any way unjustified, when this shit would hang in a gallery.

Who or what do you have an irrational hatred of?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Tova: “I always thought it was ridiculous that trampoline was an Olympic sport. Trampoline is something you do in your backyard in the summer.
What’s next, Olympic hide and seek?
Announcer: “the Chinese have been missing for 6 days now. The French are beginning to suspect they just went home”
wagthedad June 22, 2011 at 5:16 am

Leonardo DiCaprio. Can’t stand him. He’s one of those guys who reminds me of someone I once knew whom I hated for being like Leonardo DiCaprio before I knew who Leonardo DiCaprio was. I can’t even remember the guy I knew, which only adds to the frustration and the hatred. I could go on about how L.DiC. just looks like a weasel and in the movies I have seen him in with a mustache I just think about teenage stash pubes, but that doesn’t cut it. This transcends anything material. I think that maybe Leonardo DiCaprio is some kind of archetype for me. The archetypical guy who needs a big can of hit him in the head with a cinder block opened up on him.

Don’t ask me why, but this morning I was just thinking about Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, and why, why, why was Kevin Costner the only guy on there who did not even attempt an English accent? Does the man have no self-awareness whatsoever? I believe his next movie after Robin Hood was Waterworld, though, so I suppose I’ve just answered my own question.

Noa June 22, 2011 at 7:15 pm

Kevin Costner didn’t have to do an accent because Kevin Costner can’t even speak English with an American accent well enough.

DiCaprio’s toeing the line with me, because on one hand I think, “Oh hey, he’s not that bad,” but I see that he’s now slowly transitioning into Nicholas Cage with his persistent concerned look and fuckery.

You know what? You converted me. YOU WIN.

Julia June 22, 2011 at 6:05 am

You know I would sleep with Kevin AND Nick, together in a horrific Julie Sandwich before I could handle Hipsters…. To me they are the new Polo wearing, Porsh Driving, Pretentious, Preps! I want to kick them all in the face with pointy shoes.

Thanks now I’m all full of Hate on what should be a Humping, hump day!!

Noa June 22, 2011 at 7:16 pm

It’s good when we can all be united in our hatred.

Meg June 22, 2011 at 7:02 am

I too have an unnatural hate for Nicholas Cage. My husband on the other hand, seems to have a man-crush on him. I don’t understand it. No matter how bad the trailer for whatever movie he’s currently in, my husband says, “That looks good”. Really? Drive Hard? REALLY? It’s led me to ask him more than once, why the hard on for Cage? I still haven’t forgiven the man for making me watch “Bad Lieutenant”. Worst movie ever. EVER!

Lilscorpiosweet June 22, 2011 at 2:37 pm

Nahh the worst movie ever was Knowing with Nick Cage.. GOD how predictable.. I hated it .. I actually watched to see if it would get better.. but it didn’t.

Meg June 22, 2011 at 3:48 pm

Never even heard of it…thank you for the warning!

Noa June 22, 2011 at 7:17 pm

I have not yet seen a movie featuring Nicholas Cage after which I felt like I had watched my money’s worth. Not one. Because he is the human equivalent of cat shit.

Andi June 22, 2011 at 9:23 pm

Ok, I’m going to stick up for one. BUT ONLY ONE. Moonstruck. And that may have been largely saved by the mega awesome that is Cher.
Andi recently posted..Not for Odontophobics

Noa June 22, 2011 at 9:30 pm

Movie was good in SPITE of him. Just like Costner.

Annie M June 25, 2011 at 12:23 am

Have harboured a secret desire to lop off Nick’s head every since I saw (ok, I stopped watching after 45 mind numbing minutes) that movie where he thought he was a vampire. There are no words.

Noa June 25, 2011 at 2:11 pm

Oh Dear God, I’ve never even heard of that one, but he deserves the beheading. Oh my God.

Margaret Goerig June 22, 2011 at 7:31 am

Bread crumbs left on the counter. Lip smacking, especially when someone is doing it not because they are chewing something but because someone else is talking and they are concocting what they are going to say when said person is finished speaking. That Black-Eyed Peas single where they say “mazel tov” for no apparent reason. Gwyneth Paltrow.
There. That’s my hatefest for the day. Thanks, Noa. Now I feel all black and tarry inside.

Kimberly, Duchess of Snark June 22, 2011 at 4:43 pm

OMG. I totally hate Gwen Stefani for no apparent reason too! Her “fashion sense” makes me want to punch babies and that look that she always has on her face, it’s is a cross between “I’m constipated” and “I want to stab you in the face, just to watch you bleed”. Also, totally hate Gwenyth Paltrow. Everytime I see her in anything, I want to punch her in her smarmy, goop-y face. And yeah, Leo and Nic? Total. Useless. douche-canoes!

Kimberly, Duchess of Snark June 22, 2011 at 4:45 pm

Ha! My hatred for Stefani, blinded me to the fact that Margaret said PALTROW, not Stefani.

Noa June 22, 2011 at 7:19 pm

@Margaret: I’m the worst about interrupting conversational lip noises. Unintentional, but I totally fucking do it. All. The. Time. And now I hate myself, so THANKS.

@Kimberly I’ve not met a whole slew of Gwens that I really enjoyed being around. I need some evidence to see that the name Gwen doesn’t automatically mean douchery.

Margaret Goerig June 22, 2011 at 8:33 pm

@Noa: Well, shit. Now I feel bad.

@Kimberly: That made me laugh and blind or not, you still managed to get Gwyneth in there, so clearly we’re on the same page.
Margaret Goerig recently posted..Did you ever hear the one about the clothing designer?

Noa June 22, 2011 at 9:32 pm

I’m the most annoying person I know. It’s cool, really.

Margaret Goerig June 23, 2011 at 11:06 am

Stop. It.

Noa June 23, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Alright.

Kimberly, Duchess of Snark June 23, 2011 at 4:32 pm

It is a wonderful world, that we live in, with the internet, bringing us all together, under an umbrella of irrational hate. Somedays, I want to stab pop culture in the face. Now I know I’m not alone.

Noa June 23, 2011 at 7:13 pm

Welcome. It’s fun here.

Norway July 10, 2011 at 1:20 am

@ Noa: I have the EXACT. SAME. PROBLEM. with people named Alex. However, my fourth grade sister has a friend named Gwen who totally worships me, so they can’t all be bad.

Noa July 10, 2011 at 10:58 pm

Just wait ’til she gets older. You’ll change your mind.

Mary June 22, 2011 at 7:43 am

Oh, so many things. Oprah (aka The AntiChrist). Tom Cruise. Kevin, Nick, and Keanu. People who say “supposably” and “a whole nother”. People who change when they get promoted/famous/rich. Dude, we all look the same naked, get over yourself.

I’ll stop here. The sharp pinching pain in my shoulders is getting worse.

Noa June 22, 2011 at 7:20 pm

You know what else? The word “guesstimate,” or people who say, “guess-ture,” in lieu of gesture. JUST GO FUCK YOURSELF WITH A WHOLE NOTHER DICK.

Jaclyn June 22, 2011 at 8:05 am

Scientologists and Wendy Williams. I don’t think either of these require further explanation.

Noa June 22, 2011 at 7:21 pm

Legit Question: Is Wendy Williams a Tranny?

Jaclyn June 23, 2011 at 8:10 am

I’ve always thought so. Seriously, she could be Ru Paul’s brother.
Jaclyn recently posted..Something Strange in the Neighborhood

Noa June 23, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Agreed.

dotwonder June 22, 2011 at 8:06 am

Tom Cruise still owes me $5.50 that I spent to see “Cocktail” back in the 80s (i didn’t pick the movie, just went with the herd…lesson learned). I’m compounded interest daily on that mofo.

Noa June 22, 2011 at 7:21 pm

I like to feel that the crazy shitshow he lives these days is entertainment enough to make up for The Last Samurai. But, I do love a good shitshow.

Bill G. December 8, 2011 at 5:16 pm

I’ve noticed that TNT and the WB have taken to showing Cocktail occasionally. It sucked ass in the ’80s, I’m sure not going to go re-visit that now.

I saw The Color of Money in the theater and it sucked, but at least I could close my eyes and listen to the music through most of it.

Jaclyn June 22, 2011 at 8:08 am

OH YEAH- And Carson Daly. Fucking Carson Daly- stop wearing nail polish you tool!

Noa June 22, 2011 at 7:22 pm

I thought he was dressed intentionally like a Ken Doll the first time I saw him. Nope, as it turns out, he’s just that awful.

Kate June 22, 2011 at 8:30 am

Mormons (the damnable door knockers) and pregnant women. And I’m pregnant, but I totally hate pregnant women. So smug. So annoying.
Kate
idreamloudly.com

Noa June 22, 2011 at 7:23 pm

I, inexplicably, just imagined you running through a crowd of white-button-down wearing pregnant mormons, slamming them in the face with beavers.

Sorry ’bout that.

Jessica June 24, 2011 at 9:10 am

I was raised Mormon and hate them. Not the just go to church and what not ones the ones who must convert the ENTIRE WORLD. Calm down, even Jesus is getting sick of you.
Jessica recently posted..One of THOSE faces

Noa June 25, 2011 at 2:13 pm

They’re in every religion–nothing like being told I’m going to hell based on the shirt I’m wearing by 3 different religious groups in one grocery store. Totally happened once.

Sarah June 22, 2011 at 8:48 am

I am completely with you when it comes to #4 and #5. Especially #4. I even wrote about it last week. Does anyone else remember when TLC was all about home improvement shows and medical miracles via science? What happened to that? Why did it need to be replaced with My Strange Addiction? Is this what naturally develops out of A Baby Story? I honestly don’t care if you eat your couch. That’s your personal lifestyle choice. Just don’t try to convince me to eat mine. I don’t like eating after the dog.

Noa June 22, 2011 at 7:24 pm

TLC stands for THE LEARNING CHANNEL, but even they have forgotten this fact, because it’s way fun to use child labor and terrifying family dynamics instead. BRING THE PAIN, BITCHES.

Andi June 22, 2011 at 9:25 pm

Technically, they are not incorrect. You are, in fact, learning when you watch TLC. It’s just that what they’re teaching isn’t any good.
Andi recently posted..Not for Odontophobics

Noa June 23, 2011 at 1:10 pm

Touche.

Lynne June 22, 2011 at 8:53 am

Pawwwwwwla Deeeeeeeeen. As if she wasn’t annoying enough already, she has a new Smithfee-yuld Hay-um commercial where she’s outside with her cump-nee and her baw-ees and their famblees, talking about hers and Smithfield’s new spyyy-rull sliced hay-um. It makes me want to Elvis the television. Her over-enunciated southern accent totally chaps my ass. And, look at her “before” (as in, before she got hugely famous) and “after” pictures. Before: normal eyes and teeth. Normal smile. After: way-too-wide open, piercing, staring eyes (blue contacts, too, maybe?) and God-awful porcelain veneer teeth that makes LeeAnn Rimes’ equally bad dental job look almost normal.

Alpandia June 22, 2011 at 10:45 am

Have you notice that her twang gets worse and worse each time she gets a new show? The accent wasn’t so bad when she started. But now, it’s like, I want to smash her face with a frying pan. A Paula Dean frying pan, that I bought at Wal-Mart.

Noa June 22, 2011 at 7:25 pm

@Lynne: Laughed the fuck out loud reading this shit, because I can SEE the fucking commercial and her scary scary alien eyes and I fucking love it. My favorite is when they photoshop her sans wrinkles. Bitch is over 60-let’s be real.

@Alpandia: The harder the twang, the bigger the bang.

Don’t know that that means but it’s catchy as fuck.

Abby June 22, 2011 at 9:04 am

Good lord, you don’t have time for my list, but the Instagram thing is a good place to start. Actually, it’s “bloggers” who post pictures of themselves with the crafty little Instagram crap and consider it a post and actually relevant to anyone who is not them. No one cares. It’s not a blog. It’s a self-love repository.

Then there’s still Tom Cruise, Gwenyth Paltrow, Nic Cage (bonus points because he’s too cool for the “k”), my coworker who insists on laughing through his nose constantly and weathermen http://abbyhasissues.com/2011/06/16/forecast-sunny-with-a-chance-of-jazz-hands/.

That last one is a big one.

Noa June 22, 2011 at 7:30 pm

I feel very weird about unending updates of people’s pictures in my twitter stream when like, 90% are of their faces. I just…I don’t want to see anyone’s mug that much.

How do you laugh through your nose? God, isn’t that painful?

Cat June 22, 2011 at 9:06 am

I. Hate. WWE.

Nearly naked, slippery fat guys pinning each other down and growling in each other’s ears. Just go ahead and fuck each other in the ass, already.

You’re cutting into my Friday night lineup.

Leauxra June 22, 2011 at 10:30 am

I dunno… kinda fun when it comes on at the bar and the guys get all excited and I sit there thinking, “You ALL like homoerotic sports, huh?”

Noa June 22, 2011 at 7:31 pm

Can we just call it what it is? “The Public BDSM Club for Men?”

Meg June 22, 2011 at 9:15 am

Where do I start?

As a lover of British pop/rock music, I have an irrational, hard-to-understand, all-out hatred for the Ghallager brothers of Oasis. The song “Wonderwall” is not musical genius, it’s nasal and annoying.

I also get absolutely livid when I post something on Facebook about baking and certain casual friends say, “Should you be baking? I mean, you worked so hard to lose the weight…” Yes, I did, and just because you live in a permanent state of self-denial doesn’t mean I should have to. I want a goddamn cookie! I’ll just run it off later.

I could go on but these are the two that stick out at the moment.

Noa June 22, 2011 at 9:33 pm

FUCK THOSE FRIENDS. Not literally. Because you eat what you want when you want to. FUCK ‘EM.

Johi June 22, 2011 at 9:17 am

Nothing annoys me. I am the happiest fucking person on the planet.

Bwahahahahaha!
My husband looks a lot like Kevin Costner. A lot. I’m pretty sure that he can’t act either. I don’t know. Please don’t throw sand in his face if you ever meet him.

You know what I don’t like? Men who suck in their cheeks. (the ones on their face) WTF?

How can no one have mentioned Paul Walker’s “acting” career here? I am baffled.

Jaclyn June 22, 2011 at 12:46 pm

Damn that shit reminds me… I also LOATHE Vin Diesel. Vin Diesel needs to die.

Noa June 22, 2011 at 7:33 pm

I cannot say I won’t ever throw sand in his face. I carry it around for just such a purpose, Johi. Don’t fence me in.

Fast Five was really just the cherry on top, wasn’t it? “HEY. HEYYYYYY. WE’RE ACTORS. HEY.”

Dangerboy June 22, 2011 at 9:39 am

Tom Cruise drives me batshit. Maybe I’m just catching his brand of batshit, but good golly goddamn. That Scientology thing just leeched any sense of reality right out of his brainpan, and now he’s certain that a Scientologist is the only one who can help when there’s a crash or other crisis. No shit, look it up.
We call that delusion where I come from. He’s fallen a long way from the days of Maverick, now flopping like flounder in the depths of irrelevance. That’s what you get when you hail Xenu, though.

Noa June 22, 2011 at 7:35 pm

Do you ever wonder what the transition to Scientologist process is?

“I’m feeling empty. Could this be the work of aliens?”

lola June 22, 2011 at 9:44 am

Paris Hilton, The Kardashians, The Reverse Home Mortgage commercials with Henry Winkler, people who ride bikes in the middle of the street when there are sidewalks, those partial corner fences that people put in there yards as if they are creating the illusion of a full fence, the Five Finger shoes that my 7 year old just HAD that cost a fortune but now he hates them because they hurt and they are too hard to get on and off, any party or get together that doesn’t have alcohol, people who say “supposibly”…shit I’m all kinds of worked up now. I’m gonna go make myself a drink. Thanks, Noa!

Tiffany June 22, 2011 at 6:54 pm

I HATE those fucking corner fences!!! WTF is up with those things??

Noa June 22, 2011 at 7:37 pm

Purpose of the corner fence? Murdering small children who are just learning to ride bikes. They always fall on the corners, but luckily, there’s those spike right at soft-spot level. BAM: Lawn Threat Averted.

Heather Heartless June 22, 2011 at 10:27 am

I would say Rachael Ray, but that’s not exactly irrational. Bitch makes me ashamed of my own last name. This includes everything she’s ever said, her weird fucking face, and all of her hand gestures. Just looking at her makes me want to punch her in her yummo face, or beat her violently with a delish bottle of EVOO.

“Onliest”

“Knowed”

And people that want to axe me… a question.

You graduated high school and then miraculously made it through college and yet you can not grasp the basic grammar concepts of the difference between your and you’re and God forbid we throw a fucking there/their/they’re at you.

I defiantly spell definitely the right way. You “should of” studied harder, fuck wit.

Meg June 22, 2011 at 3:40 pm

Or people that don’t know the difference between than and then. Irks me. Or things like since/sense. Or that I before E except after C only works with a few words, not all of them.

Annie M June 25, 2011 at 12:34 am

“Intil” – that one (and all those mentioned above) drive me nuts – or the whole “U” / “UR” bullshit in a fucking email. Excuse me very much – if you’re texting me a quick note – fine – skip the other 2 letters – or how about when they just put k instead of OK. HOWEVER!! If you’re taking the time to write an entire goddamned email – add the few extra letters and type a real WORD.
ugh.
Then again if you don’t know the difference between you’re and your I guess ur is a pretty safe bet …

Noa June 22, 2011 at 7:39 pm

I once heard someone say, “I need to ask you, excuse me, axe you a question,” and I have never been closer to homicide.

Rachael Ray and her impossibly wide shark smile makes me question if we’re truly alone in the universe because she’s too fucked up to be real.

Andi June 22, 2011 at 9:28 pm

My personal pet peeve:

If something catches your interest, your interest is NOT “peaked.”
It is not even (God Forbid) “peeked.”
The word is “piqued.” I will beat it into your head if I have to.
Andi recently posted..Not for Odontophobics

Noa June 22, 2011 at 9:34 pm

Or, my favorite recently: Piked.

Fucking Piked.

Andi June 23, 2011 at 5:35 pm

You know what that means? Killed or thrust through with a pike. Which is what I’m giving you permission to do to that person.

Your interest is piked? So you’re not interested? WTF? *wham* Problem solved, right there.
Andi recently posted..Not for Odontophobics

Noa June 23, 2011 at 7:15 pm

I can’t wait to carry around a humongous pike with which to stab people. It’s going to be a talking point.

Nidhogg June 23, 2011 at 11:26 am

I have no idea how I got to this site, but nevermind. I having nothing against Rachael Ray, per se, but I hate her on my box of Ritz Crackers. No one is supposed to be on boxes of food. Maybe Wheaties, but the normal stuff you always buy with the same designs they’ve had for years. Rachael, you didn’t invent the Ritz, andno one sees your face on a box and says “Gosh, I’ve never had a “Ritz cracker before but now I think I’ll be daring and try one.” Get out of my pantry, bitch.
kthxbai.

Noa June 23, 2011 at 1:12 pm

I’m glad you found me.

What a sad accomplishment–ending up on Ritz Crackers. Suddenly, I can’t get Mitch Hedberg’s “Ritz Crackers are Crackers, not tiny plates,” routine out of my head.

Leauxra June 22, 2011 at 10:33 am

People who spell things wrong to be “cute”. Especially businesses.

Example: “Maid Rite”: Sounds like maybe something between a Rite-Aid and a Maid service, right? Nope. It’s a Sammich Shoppe. They don’t even dress like maids. I don’t. Fucking. Get it.

Yeah. I can’t sleep at a KOA.

Noa June 22, 2011 at 7:40 pm

It’s…they make sandwiches? I would have ventured a guess at almost anything else. That’s fucking stupid.

I have irrational rage for replacing C’s with K’s. Your name is not Kole. It’s Cole. Stop it.

Bayleigh June 22, 2011 at 10:39 am

I love you. If only for the simple fact that you share my hatred of Nicholas Cage. Baby Daddy LOVES him. I want to scoop my eyes out with a spoon. Worst. Actor. Ever.

Noa June 22, 2011 at 7:41 pm

Baby daddy needs a swift pancreas kick.

Tova June 22, 2011 at 10:43 am

Thanks for choosing me as best comment! I’m flattered.

Also Nick Cage. I totally agree. he makes my skin crawl. He is currently #2 on my “celebrities I would punch in the face” list right under the younger Gilmore girl. *shudder*

Noa June 22, 2011 at 8:08 pm

Sorry, it marked you as spam for some reason. Akismet apparently loves Nic Cage.

Was Gilmore Girls just a giant joke? Cause there’s no excuse for that.

Lynne June 22, 2011 at 11:31 am

I forgot one. It’s one of my newest hates:

People who end a sentence in “so.”

I’m not sure why that’s such a trendy thing to do, but I can hardly be involved in a conversation (or overhear a conversation) where at least person isn’t a chronic so-ender. At times, it becomes so annoying to me that I will ask them about it. Here’s an example:

Me: How was your weekend?
Them: The husband, kids and I went on a hiking trip. We had a great time, so……
Me: So……..what?
Them: (staring as if they’re not sure what to say)
Me: Did you have something else to add? You said “so…”

Noa June 22, 2011 at 7:42 pm

ALSO: Texts and IM’s that end in … every time. Stop it. Have faith in your punctuation and END YOUR SENTENCE. Fuck, end it in a semicolon, because at this point, you just look like a fucking jackass.

Grace June 23, 2011 at 9:02 am

This is directed squarely at me…

Noa June 23, 2011 at 1:13 pm

Yes. Yes it is.

eva June 22, 2011 at 11:33 am

So, Keanu Reeves goes without saying now? I mean, I know you mentioned him briefly, but he is worse than if Nic Cage starred in a hipster adaptation of Prince of thieves and Costner played fucking King Richard, and nobody explained it. And it was soundtracked by that little kid, whoever she is, but singing backup would be ALL OF WILL SMITH’S FAMILY.

Keanu Reeves’ inclusion in Much Ado About Nothing, my third favorite movie ever, is unforgivable! I’m still mad at Kenneth Branagh! And I love Kenneth Branagh. Loooove hhiiiim,

Noa June 22, 2011 at 7:43 pm

I’m realizing now I left a lot of hated folks off the list, because the Smiths are included. Fuck those people.

Everything else about that movie fills my heart with lit geek happiness, except for HIM. Why…why did they choose him?

Andi June 22, 2011 at 9:31 pm

I’m actually ok with him in that role, because that character is a total TOOL in the play. Seriously, I read the play and if I were Hero I would have been all, “Fuck that for a game of soldiers,” and run off with someone else. Casting Keanu there makes you think, “Ok, she’s not that dumb. She’s just blinded by his looks and knows she can control him. This is good.”
Andi recently posted..Not for Odontophobics

Noa June 22, 2011 at 9:36 pm

You just blew my mind. I couldn’t see beyond that because I was in a blind rage upon seeing his face.

Kaye June 22, 2011 at 11:36 am

HA! Although, I do like Kevin Costner…I just watched Field of Dreams the other day, and cried…and hello Dances with Wolves?! Anyway, we may just differ on that. I still think you’re awesome. I will pay you 2 bucks for your breaker box pic!

Noa June 22, 2011 at 7:44 pm

SOLD.

Also: Kevin Costner is NEVER good. The movies are good in SPITE of him. Except for Waterworld. And the Postman. Those were just fucking awful.

Kaye June 23, 2011 at 11:36 am

Ok, THAT I agree with :)
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Courtney June 22, 2011 at 11:43 am

I fear people who convincingly act like cats and as we all know, fear leads to anger and anger leads to hate.

I recently discovered that my traitor parents saw the musical, Cats back in the 80s, which of course led to a series of questions:

1. Why did you even go? Was it the cool thing to do? Were all your friends seeing it? You really shouldn’t give into peer pressure, Mom and Dad.
2. Did you sit in the audience for 3 hours waiting for them to sing, “Memory”?
3. Did you actually understand the musical because I read the Wikipedia article and it seems like garbage to me?
4. Weren’t you scared?

Apparently they don’t share my fear and oh yeah, good taste.

Noa June 22, 2011 at 7:45 pm

THANK YOU. What the hell is Cats even about? Why is it so magical? Isn’t it just the stage adaptation of a lot of terribly debilitating mental illnesses?

So many questions.

Lisa June 22, 2011 at 11:57 am

People who cannot seem to use seen/saw correctly, drive me insane. I want to hurt them until they get it through their little heads how to use it properly. This would include many in my own damn family.

Examples: Guess who I seen yesterday?
I seen the coolest thing at the mall.

Psst, guess what folks, THE HELPING VERB ‘HAVE’ is needed in order to use ‘seen’ correctly! It’s just that simple. Now go home and practice.

Sorry, I get really worked up over that one.

Noa June 22, 2011 at 7:46 pm

Seen. Saw. Words have tenses and separate forms because they should be used in certain situations, not all WILLY GODDAMN NILLY.

Rachael June 22, 2011 at 12:11 pm

Someone else already said it but I need to second Rachael Ray here. Every single fucking time I tell someone how to spell my name, they either respond “Oh, like Rachael Ray!” OR they don’t listen and write it without that second A until I say, “It’s spelled like Rachael Ray.” I DON’T WANT TO DO THAT. I fucking hate her. Her voice is the most infuriating thing on the planet.

Even worse than Rachael Ray, without leaving the same television station: Sandra Lee. She looks like she could only ever be a third wife, and no one’s buying that “semi-homemade” bullshit. It’s nice to dress up the baked goods you got in a box, yes, but serving it to your guests and pretending it’s homemade infuriates me. The people who put time and effort into cooking deserve credit for it and she’s ruining that. FUCK Sandra Lee.

(Actually, I pretty much hate all the Food Network people. I bet Alton Brown is an awesome guy, but every single one of them overacts and looks like a douchebag on their show. I love cooking so people never understand why I don’t like the food network. Have they ever WATCHED the food network? Ugh.)

Thank you for mentioning hipsters. I had a professor who was a hipster. I called him Hipster Professor. He came to class drunk and ranted about crappy poetry. Arm tattoos with 3/4 length sweaters and jeans so tight they don’t zip up all the way. Also the black plastic-framed glasses and one of those coats with the fur lining in the hood that is okay if you’re female but makes dudes look like they think they’re lions. Cowardly hipster lions.

Noa June 22, 2011 at 7:47 pm

I’m assuming your hate for Sandra Lee began with her Kwanzaa cake, as it did with me. What. The. Fuck.

Did your professor also own a brewery? Because I was in that Econ class with you then, and I HATED that sombitch.

Kimberly, Duchess of Snark June 23, 2011 at 4:43 pm

“Cowardly hipster lions” conjured such a delightful image in my mind, thanks Rachael (not Ray but with 2 a’s) for the laugh!

Annie June 22, 2011 at 12:58 pm

Everytime I see Nicolas Cage I gag. He’s at the top of my “please fall off the planet now” list.

Noa June 22, 2011 at 7:48 pm

He keeps that perpetual look of confusion and anxiety just in case.

Chunky Mama June 22, 2011 at 1:38 pm

I don’t see HOW you can call Kevin Kostner the worst actor you’ve ever seen when there are so many Bill Paxton movies out there.
Justin Bieber makes me irrationally angry. Every time he did that hair flippy thing before, I just wanted to smack him in his smug face. ESPECIALLY when I learned he purposely did it all the time to make sure his hair was JUST PERFECT. Ugh. Makes me want to junk punch him.

Noa June 22, 2011 at 7:48 pm

Wow. Yeah. Costner’s got nothing on Paxton.

Well, except for his crazy ocean centrifuge. You’re a shitty actor, Costner–at least stick with your story.

Ashley June 23, 2011 at 8:08 pm

Especially now that he has a haircut that shows his eyebrows- I just want to shave his fucking eyebrows off because he looks like a cartoon. A ridiculously annoying cartoon, that makes perfume and wants to sniff ladynecks like a goddamn weirdo.
Ashley recently posted..Wedding Garters

Noa June 23, 2011 at 9:17 pm

I’m going to have nightmares about this comment.

Christine June 22, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Gwenyth Fucking Paltrow. I hate her. Hearing her name fills me with such rage I want to punch something. Then she started “singing”. I’m pissed now just typing this!

Noa June 22, 2011 at 7:49 pm

I’m assuming you’re a frequent commenter at GOOP?

Rosa June 22, 2011 at 2:13 pm

Good lord that was some funny shit! I just laughed harder and harder as I moved down the page. Then the comments! You hit on a bunch of my hates: Rachael Ray is at the top of the list. Gwyneth Paltrow, definitely. How did no one mention Julia Roberts?! Nothing will get me to avoid a movie quicker than saying it stars Julia Roberts…..and it’s ‘cute’. I’m out. No thanks. Also, people who can’t speak and/or write the english language correctly. ‘are’ team is going to play on Sat. is not correct. It’s OUR! Hello?! How do you have a corporate, high paying job?! And in addition to The Kardashians–every last one of them–and Paris Hilton, I also have to include the entire Jersey Shore cast and every member of every “Real Housewives” show that’s ever aired. I know plenty of housewives, and NONE of those bitches on Bravo are real.

Noa June 22, 2011 at 7:50 pm

I hate Julia Roberts even more since she was in Eat, Pray, Love because that was some contrite bullshit and to put it in movie format is the illegal creation of a weapon.

Lex June 22, 2011 at 2:45 pm

I love you because you share my hatred of Nic Cage, TLC, and hipsters.

On a hipster-related tangent, there was a total hipster teacher at my kid’s pre-school awhile back. Seeing her was always really weird because I am the antithesis of hipster, so even though she adored my daughter, she would be all, like “…” to me (even though I tried to be friendly). Maybe because my glasses were cooler than her stupid Rivers Cuomo hipster frames.

Someone else who gives me the red ass is Floyd Mayweather Jr. That guy is suck a goddamn punk; he needs to get into the ring with somebody that will kick every square inch of his ass.

Noa June 22, 2011 at 7:51 pm

I feel similarly about Brock Lesnar–there hath never been a larger (literally) douche than he. I hope the steroids eat his balls away.

Lilscorpiosweet June 22, 2011 at 3:15 pm

Ohh my hatred for reality tv.. any of it.. It’s the dumbest thing on the planet. If I wanted to watch someone else’s life I would go to their house tell them to not mind me.. pop some popcorn and sit back while I watch the drama unfold I mean really? Who cares what is going on. If it doesn’t apply to me or impact my life I don’t want to do anything with it or watch it.

Justin bieber grates my nerves.. My son singing any of the tween pop grates my nerves… Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez and all the other up and coming Disney stars and anything Disney.. OMG how I hate Disney for making no hack talent like Bieber famous!!

Fast food employees grind my gears .. For Fuck’s sake get the goddamn order right.. How fucking hard could it be? I know your little teenage brain is wrapped up in hormones right now and you only got the job so you can afford the car you want soo damn bad but HELLO.. My kids want to eat some time today.. (Yes I grab fast food when I am in a rush and I expect the damn order to be correct. )
P.S. I also worked fast food as a teen and I know that it’s not that hard to get the fucking order done right because I am a perfectionist.. Yea McDonald’s was sad to see me go..

How about those people that sit at green lights? If it wasn’t for the fact that my vehicle doesn’t have a horn I would be blaring it til they got out of my way.. Bad enough I yell out the window at people to get the fuck moving and yea I have really bad road rage..

Stupid people piss me off to no end! I know a few of them and they for no good reason they just do stupid things. These could be those people that sit at green lights to those people that let their kids run wild in public.

Liars piss me off.. Lying to me does you know good especially if I KNOW YOU. Why lie to me? You know I am gonna catch you at it not to mention get pissed about it. I know when you lie to me so there is no chance of getting away from it.. This goes for my kids too!

Ohh one of my biggest rages is when the kids have just watched me clean the house and they go and bounce on the furniture I just recovered or dumped chips or something on the floor.. Like OMG how can you not see that would piss me off? What gets me the most is when we are at someone else’s house and they do that shit.. but they pick it up over there like the 5 second rule and eat it.. Yea my kids are disgusting! Drives me up the wall insane when they do shit like that..

Oh and the kids that run all over Walmart like escaped animals from the zoo. Come on people I know Walmart can be like a zoo as crazy as it gets but to seriously let your kids run amok? The kids need to be leashed for their own safety otherwise I am gonna run them over. I am there to shop not babysit your kids that you can’t seem to pay attention too .. Here’s a thought Leave them home with the other dozen kids and family members you have at home because seriously why did you bother bringing them.

How about all those check out lanes that aren’t open.. What is the fucking point? The lines for some of those lanes extend clear to the back of the store and you can’t open another Goddamn lane?? Seriously??? Makes me soo mad.. Not to mention maybe I didn’t want to spend all freaking day at Walmart with a sleazy, stanky, no good rotten person who likes to lie to herself and claim she is a mom, cashier? No Thank you!

Telemarketers Drive me absolutely crazy. No I don’t want what you are selling, No I don’t have the money and go ahead and report me to the collection center.. Try getting blood from a turnip it’s not gonna happen!

Another thing that makes me instantly mad is those parents that don’t make their kid stop doing bad things like throwing a fit in the store. I was at Walmart again (it’s my home away from home) and I watched this parent coddle this kid who was throwing a fit because he wanted something and the parent I think was trying to put their foot down by saying no .. so the kid throws this massive fit and all the parent could say was “Now, Now Brenden please don’t throw a fit.” If it had been me a) I would have stuck to my guns and the answer is still no. b) Spanked them in front of God and everybody because dammit that is what my parents did when I made a scene at the store. c) I would have marched their ass clear out to the car where they would have been spanked and we would have left, leaving my unpaid groceries in the store in the cart in the middle of the isle.

Oh I have more but I am soo worked up now that if I were to go to town right now I would explode from sheer rage because a) I would be driving b) I would have to go shopping and c) I would have to deal with stupid people.

THK June 22, 2011 at 3:38 pm

I’m glad I’m not the only one filled with so much detest for people as to go on a multi-page comment-rant. *high five for our bitchtasticness*

Noa June 22, 2011 at 7:53 pm

I really wish it were cool to carry around a cattle prod for uses just such as these. Stuck at a light? ZAP ZAP, BITCH. Wild-ass kids in the freezer aisle? NOT ANYMORE. Lack of discipline? I’LL TAKE CARE OF THAT.

Rosa June 23, 2011 at 3:20 pm

DISNEY!!!!!!!!!! Sweet Jeeeezus how did I forget my loathing for all things Disney?!??! The vapid princesses, that talentless tween stars that they churn out by the hundreds, the implication that taking my kids to their overpriced Park of Hell is the Holy Grail and by not taking my offspring there I am a bad mom!!!!! I must have had a total brain collapse yesterday that I forgot about Disney. I’d fucking stamp on that mouse with stiletto heels if I ever saw him in the street.

THK June 22, 2011 at 3:37 pm

Oh god, where do I start?

My ex(es).
Self-entitled rich people who think they are middle class.
Educated people who REALIZE they are educated and therefore think they’re better than everyone, and use $500-words.
People who, no matter how old they are, will look down their noses at people 5-10 years younger as “not old enough to understand the wisdom they’ve gained with age.” (You’re 35, not 115. You haven’t hit enlightenment yet, sweetheart, so don’t patronize ME.)
People who refuse to quiet their screaming children in public places, or remove them from said public places.
People who drag their children to public places that children should not be, and then let them cry. (Like the fucking OPERA. I did not pay $60 a goddamn ticket for Madama Butterfly to listen to your NEWBORN INFANT wail through the second act. Hire a GODDAMN babysitter or stay home.)
People that leave shopping carts in the parking lot NEXT to the cart return.
People that think they know everything about a subject just because they read a book about it or studied it a little.
Those people who “know everything” about something and think you care to here them lecture on about it.
People who are “always sick” and whine about it. Not like the people who have cancer, and talk about going through it and stuff. But the people who just have EVERY GODDAMN ILLNESS and they’re ALWAYS DYING and life is just SO hard, you know? These people usually tell you about all of the things wrong with them all the time, even in conversations that have nothing to do with health. They also claim to have at least 5 different mental illnesses as well (when really, I’m pretty sure the entirety of their disorders would fit neatly into the category of “dumbass pity-party.”)
People who like to “keep up appearances.”
People who think they’re cool.
People who try to haggle in retail stores.
Misogynists.
Misogynists who don’t realize they’re misogynists, and just think they’re “helping straighten things out.”
People who ask you if you’ve “found Jesus yet.” (Seriously, they’re *still* looking for this guy?)
Politicians.
Religious “activists.” (Not like the people working to end child slavery and stuff, but the crazy “I MUST COVERT EVERYONE TO MY ONE TRUE CULT/RELIGION people. This includes Scientologists.)
People who are angry about everything, all the damn time. And have to tell you about it.
People who aggressively argue with you, and are a total dick about it, but pretend they’re not being a jackass and are actually “being the better person” by turning all your words around and being “hyper nice.” (If involved in online debate, this includes people who throw “:)” emoticons in after every other sentence.) They usually nitpick everything you say, and then after riling you up to where you’re actually upset, throw out the “we should just agree to disagree and be best friends now” bit.
Social-networking “experts.” (OMG LOOK I GOT A DEGREE IN FACEBOOKS)
People who come up with reality-tv programs.
People who star in reality-tv programs.
Celebrity-worshipers. (Not the people who think, “oh, so-and-so has a lot of talent, I am a big fan” or even “wow he/she is really hot, I would sleep with them if I had the chance.” I’m talking about the people who are actually physically enraged that Justin Bieber has a girlfriend because HE WAS THEIR ONE TRUE LOVE.)
The list goes on.

But I am Buddhist. I am FILLED with fucking love and compassion for people, DAMMIT.

Unless you’re an asshole.

Fuck, I need to meditate.

Lilscorpiosweet June 22, 2011 at 4:34 pm

Fucking Right!!!

High Five!! OMG you covered most of what I couldn’t put because for the love of God I didn’t want to ENRAGE someone by hogging the comments. hahahahaha

But anyway the other people that piss me off are the Social workers. You know the ones that nitpick everything about your life and tell you how to do it better?

I told them that if they were so fucking much better then here they could have my shoes and I would leave. They didn’t like that idea. I am talking about the ones that don’t have kids or forgot what it was like having kids in the house that tell you how to run your household. They come in and because I know I am not perfect have the audacity to look down their noses at me and mine and I turned it around on them to how would they like it if I came to there house and nitpicked everything about their lives? They left me alone after that. But they instill that fear that they could at any given moment just show up on your doorstep (which I have refused them entrance, not because I was hiding something but because I have the right to refuse them entrance without probable cause) and they know me well enough.. I mean I AM on a first name basis with them.

This was caused by someone that hates me lots to want to be nosy enough to intrude on my life because they know I would meet them at the door with a shot gun (not because there was actually something seriously wrong like abuse in my household) should they decide to be curious enough. That was my only saving grace with the CPS/DFS because then I would have been hauled off.

Instead these Social workers are busy bothering me when someone else is being abused and no one calls it in or kills their child because they couldn’t afford another mouth to feed. Umm HELLO its called tie your fucking tubes and keep your damn legs closed!!! Ohh people like that piss me off ROYALLY.

THK June 22, 2011 at 4:39 pm

UGH that is horrible. While those Social Workers are wasting their time bugging you, they are ignoring the children who *are* being abused. One of my mom’s coworkers told her about how her 4-year old daughter had stayed at the father of the baby’s parents’ house for a few hours, and when she came to pick her up, she found a HUGE black and blue bruise on her bottom. When she asked her son (who’s a little older) what happened he told her that the grandmother AND the grandfather had spanked the 4-year old with a large plastic cooking spoon for GIVING THE GRANDMOTHER A DIRTY LOOK. Wtf? The kid is 4.

When the mother took the issue to child services, they told her there was nothing they could do because there was no organ damage. Uhh…

Lilscorpiosweet June 22, 2011 at 5:27 pm

And what’s worse is that I know the stupid bitch who keeps calling me in to CPS as if she has nothing better to do with her time other than bitch (she is also the reason I would meet her at the door with my rifle) because I am raising her daughter.. Bitch is just pissed because she knows that no court in their right mind is gonna give her custody of her kid. Her other kids are old enough to care for themselves but amazingly she fucked them over so now they can’t function as normal human beings (they either mooch off people or have mental issues, which is why I have her daughter. No way in hell was I gonna let that happen to her!)

Should tell you something right there.. obviously she was in no way fit to take care of her kids and has to be a snatch about me raising them. She is also the stanky, snatch nasty bitch that works at Walmart that I dread even going to because I know I will end up smacking her with my cart because she is just too hard to miss..

And people like those grandparents make me homicidal! That is fucked up which also reminds me of a couple here in my neck of the woods that tortured their 2 year old by burning her with cigarettes and beating her then finally hanging her in the closet with her bib overalls. Talk about sick fucks!

Noa June 22, 2011 at 7:57 pm

Do…do you like me at least?

To be fair, my list is probably just as long and just as detailed and just as full of rage. Having worked retail, I can say with certainty that there must be a special level of hell for retail hagglers. AT&T set the prices, Granny, not me. TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT, WHORE.

And you bring me to another hate of mine. IF YOU ARE NOT HORRIBLY DISABLED OR HAVE A HEMOPHILIAC NEWBORN, RETURN YOUR CART TO THE MORE THAN PLENTIFUL CART CORRALS. Grace and I both have been known to put carts directly in front of the offending persons as they started their cars. LET IT BE A FUCKING LESSON.

Annie M June 25, 2011 at 12:44 am

Oh Dear God YES!! People who CONSTANTLY update their Facebook status with the state of their health – which is almost always bad. “Wish this cold would go away”, “Can barely breathe enough to cough today”, “The little elves pounding on the inside of my head with hammers are doing double-time” all in search of sympathizing comments.
Sure wish those little elves would put you (and me) out of your misery asshat.

momiss June 22, 2011 at 4:10 pm

GREAT post woman! I have never enjoyed Kevin Costner either, except for in one movie, with Robert Duval, where Kevin was a cold blooded killer. He hardly spoke and was always on the good guys side. I actually found him sexually attractive in that movie, but it was the only one and I think it was mostly the not speaking thing. He was more a man of action, literally. Or maybe I was just in a really bad mood and enjoyed seeing people being mowed down. Either way……the movie was Open Range, btw.

The number one woman who I love to hate is Gwenyth Paltrow. I hate her worse everytime I am reminded of her existence, which seems to be a LOT! All I ever see is a spoiled idiot who has never lived in the real world for one minute. And she seems pretty dense to boot.

Lilscorpiosweet June 22, 2011 at 4:36 pm

Have you seen Mr. Brooks? Kevin Costner is in that one too as a serial killer.

I thought it was ok, not exactly what I expected because it was like he was trying to not kill people but because they pissed him off or something is what made him kill them…hmm I might have to re-watch it to see if I missed something.

Noa June 22, 2011 at 7:59 pm

There’s a lot of shared hate for Ms. Paltrow, but we have neglected that she’s married to the worst band in the world, Coldplay. Fuck you, Gwen.

Kevin Costner wasn’t even good in that movie. And that’s saying A LOT. Again, the movie was good IN SPITE of him.

Satan June 22, 2011 at 4:22 pm

fuck i hate Helvetica because it shows up as the “default” on some of the programs i work with, and it is Ugly As Shit.
i have a long list of people i hate, but they’re not celebrities so i’m not gonna bother y’all with their crazy and why i hate it.
i also hate: Arial font, Times New Roman… pretty much any default fucking font. i hate most fonts. they should not be allowed to live on my computer.

Noa June 22, 2011 at 8:00 pm

If Helvetica is a default, you must be in fucking hipster hell.

Also: Comic Sans anywhere. Or Chiller. Or Applechancery. Just go fuck yourself, fonts.

Norway June 22, 2011 at 4:50 pm

Stupid people. Let’s leave it at that.

Noa June 22, 2011 at 8:00 pm

Okay.

Norway June 22, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Never mind. I can’t just leave it at that. I get sooo irritated with people who are in, say, theatre camps/programs/any sort of play that I’m doing and can’t act/sing at all. It’s like they aren’t even trying to learn the lines/emotions/whatever. Please sir, fail on your own time.

Noa June 22, 2011 at 8:01 pm

HOORAY! I was hoping you wouldn’t leave it at that.

I feel weird about telling people they’re bad at anything (to their faces) because in creative settings I try really hard to be encouraging and happy but SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO TELL PEOPLE THAT THEY AREN’T CUT OUT FOR THIS SHIT, SO STOP WALKING AROUND LIKE SPIELBERG, GODDAMN IT.

Whoa.

Norway July 10, 2011 at 1:32 am

Mhmm. Or people who can’t sing at ALL who are like “Oh you’re such a good singer; I’m just awful” and then look at me like they’re awaiting a reply. What am I supposed to say? Instinct tells me to deny it, and tell them they’re not as bad as that (cos I’m just such a good person *cough*), but I can’t lie.
“Your voice is killing my ears. Don’t take it personally.” Walk away quickly.
Rock and a hard place…

Noa July 10, 2011 at 10:57 pm

Good for you for saying what needs to be said. Someone had to tell those compliment scavenging bastards.

Jessica June 22, 2011 at 6:25 pm

I’ve had to stand up for Nick Cage time and time again. He is the greatest actor of all time. The man has been acting like he isn’t going bald since I was in diapers, he may not be acting it well but he is fucking committed. They should give Oscars for that level of commitment.

What bothers me is the people who are all organic or vegan, I have nothing against it but I’m going to eat my goddamn cooked in the microwave meat slathered in preservatives…back off. I don’t hate them who do it it just seems that every person I’ve met that does it feels they have an obligation to tell you and save you. Guess what, I don’t freaking care, pass the steak.

Noa June 22, 2011 at 8:03 pm

Question: Is Nic Cage a hot dog wearing a person costume, and therefore the greatest actor who ever lived?

I’m with ya on the veganism/vegetarianism. I have my own opinions on how you eat (having been raised on a ranch and been in the FFA and gone to FFA Nationals THREE TIMES MOTHERFUCKERS), but I won’t begrudge you for eating terrible food. Leave me and my giant ass steak alone. I raised it. I’ll eat it.

Jessica June 24, 2011 at 9:05 am

Tahaha, this is my cow Betsy and she is delicious. I understand eating healthy and there are some foods that you can’t beat fresh it’s just them telling me I’m going to die or am torturing animals and trying to force their way of thinking on me. I hate that, whether it’s food or religion or whatever it’s freaking annoying.
Jessica recently posted..One of THOSE faces

k-dawg June 22, 2011 at 6:27 pm

As a person who has lived in both New York (in close proximity to Brooklyn, where it seems hipsters breed like fucking bunny rabbits on coke) and Boston, I can honestly say that if a hipster plague broke out and they all were immediately stricken with some kind of pink bubbly rash that results in their eradication from the planet, I’d be tickled pink. Seriously. They’re everywhere, in their tight pants and neon green sunglasses that I had when I was six. They’re passing judgement on me as they ride over my feet on their bicycles as they travel to the next quinoa pie baking night, after which they will drink PBR and discuss really important things. AUGH!

Noa June 22, 2011 at 8:04 pm

Oh K-Dawg, I am so sorry, and so baffled as to how you’re not a murderer yet. Or are you?

k-dawg June 23, 2011 at 7:39 pm

eeep, no, not a hipster murderer. yet?
k-dawg recently posted..180 Degree Turns Can Suck It

Noa June 23, 2011 at 9:18 pm

I’ll deny everything if the cops ask.

Tiffany June 22, 2011 at 7:18 pm

Glenn Fucking Beck. I just want to take that chalkboard of his, smash it into thousands of pieces and then shove those sharp, jagged pieces of slate up his ass! I’m not getting political here — after all, he isn’t a politician. He’s a FUCKING DOUCHEBAG FUCKWIT!!!

The yuppie momma bears in my neighborhood who insist on pushing their perfect future world leaders in overpriced strollers up the middle of the fucking street! SideWALKS!! Use them! If you get too close to these women with your vehicle, they refuse to give way, and fiercely glare at you. I should be allowed to run them over for that. Also, mothers who are afraid to actually be parents to their banshee-like monsters when I’m at Target. These women somehow also feel that, because they have reproduced, they are somehow hero-women who are better than everyone else. I want to rip their faces off.

People who drive about 1 mph UNDER the speed limit…..IN THE LEFT FUCKING LANE!!!!

The whiny bitches in my pilates class. Of course it hurts! Why do you think we are here!! For a bloody tea party?

Reality TV

Pop “culture”

People who don’t say “thank you”

That’s all for now. I think everyone else has just about covered it.

Noa June 22, 2011 at 8:06 pm

Glenn Beck: Take off your person costume already, goat. You have no one fooled.

Entitled Parents: You are the reason why martial arts schools do so well. Keep being terrible parents, and we’ll keep on fixing your mistakes.

And also, people who don’t do the little hand wave when I let you into my lane when you fucked up. I SHOULD BE ABLE TO RAM YOU FOR THAT.

elizabeth- flourish in progress June 22, 2011 at 8:15 pm

Asshole moms. I hate asshole moms. A lot. Unfortunately, there a shit ton that lurk around Cal’s school. I would write more here but I’m so furious just thinking about them that I have to go walk around the block. Or smoke crack.
elizabeth- flourish in progress recently posted..Monday Dare: Practicing the five-letter word

Noa June 22, 2011 at 9:38 pm

They’re awful, awful people, and they must be stopped. I volunteer you. Good luck!

Andi June 22, 2011 at 9:42 pm

Which kind of asshole moms, though? The competitive moms whose children are always better than yours? The moms who spend all their time on their bodies, so they can walk around in skimpy gym clothes when they aren’t even GOING TO THE GYM? The moms who spend all their money on kid programs because God Forbid they have to actually spend time with their kids? The moms who always have a perfectly put together house, because they have a daily housekeeper and they don’t understand why everyone doesn’t? The moms who actually spend ALL DAY cleaning their house so they can look like they have a daily housekeeper? The moms who exclude your kids from their kids events because you have the audacity to have living, breathing, non-robotic children and they’re afraid it’ll rub off? I NEED MORE DETAILS.

Also, I clearly have a rage repository of my own. Whoops.
Andi recently posted..Not for Odontophobics

Noa June 23, 2011 at 1:15 pm

All of the above. Each one who tries so hard to prove to you that they’re better than you are in every way deserve to be hit right in the crotch with a bushel of angry squirrels.

Andi June 22, 2011 at 9:44 pm

Everybody else covered my general categories, so these are the only people left on my list:

Brad
Patrick
Jon
my mother
Rush Limbaugh
Newt Gingrich

I think that about covers it.
Andi recently posted..Not for Odontophobics

Noa June 23, 2011 at 1:16 pm

I’m mailing you a case of Limbaugh’s new iced drink, “Two if by Tea!”

You’re welcome.

Andi June 23, 2011 at 5:52 pm

I have conflicting emotions of gratitude and inchoate hate right now.
Andi recently posted..Not for Odontophobics

Noa June 23, 2011 at 7:16 pm

That’s Tea Party you’re feeling there.

Kim June 22, 2011 at 9:46 pm

Cameron Diaz. How does she keep getting movie roles? I don’t use the “c” word often, but when I do, I’m talking about her. Or Angelina Jolie. But never about Noa.

Noa June 23, 2011 at 1:17 pm

I’m glad I’m not awful like they are in your eyes.

Also, Megan Fucking Fox. Someone shut that bitch up.

kim June 23, 2011 at 1:46 pm

Good point. Add her to the list.

Also, Sarah Palin. WTF?
kim recently posted..On a lighter note, I’m an eccentric creative genius, probably.

Noa June 23, 2011 at 7:16 pm

AUGH. And Michele Bachmann.

Cheryl S. June 23, 2011 at 8:13 am

First, I have to find a way to work the words “Taint slappingly” into my vocabulary IMMEDIATELY.

Second, I HATE reality TV. HATE IT. First, lets discuss the “real housewives” of where.ever.the.fuck. Real housewives my ass. Rich bimbos with nothing better to do but get botox and bitch. And then discuss how “fat” they are now that they ate the cookie crumb 3 days ago.

So you think you can dance? Yeah. You can’t. Let’s move on.

Bachelor/Bachelorette: What kind of vapid twat are you if you “fall in love” with some posing, preening dumbass in 3 weeks?

Amazing Race: Ok. I sometimes watch this one in the hopes that someone will die.

Survivor: See Amazing Race

There are just so many more. . . . .

Noa June 23, 2011 at 1:19 pm

I honestly have not watched much (if any) RHO___, or Bachelor, or Bachelorette, or…gasp…Jersey Shore. I’m sadly lacking in my cultural references, but somehow, I don’t think I’m lacking anything.

Ann June 23, 2011 at 8:21 am

How did Ben Affleck not make this list??

Noa June 23, 2011 at 1:19 pm

He did now!

meg. June 23, 2011 at 2:42 pm

I am instantly in love with you.

Noa June 23, 2011 at 7:16 pm

And I with you.

Vanessa June 23, 2011 at 3:14 pm

I hate geese. They are mean, dirty bastards.

Noa June 23, 2011 at 7:17 pm

Yes, yes they are. Grace has a crippling fear of geese thanks to a scary attack when she was 4. She has never recovered.

danielle June 23, 2011 at 9:54 pm

…Guy Fieri… there have been multiple mentions of Food Network personalities, but when I think of one person (or a few, but this one sticks out) I would like to light on fire, dearest Guy Fieri comes to mind.

(This is where you Google “Guy Fieri” and choose IMAGES, then tell me you don’t hate him also)

Please note the following list of issues I have with him:

1. His goddamned black forearm-band that he wears… is it a fashion statement, or covering a shitty tattoo? Sometimes fashion statements get you lit on fire, other times covering up a shitty tattoo with something worse than the shitty tattoo also gets you lit on fire.
2. His fucking peroxide-blond hair. SPIKED. Who-the-fuck-uses-peroxide-then-SPIKES-their-fucking-hair? Oh, Guy Fieri (ironically there is some other trashy-food-bitch on the Food Network who wears her fucking hair the same way, she is just on earlier in the day?)!! Seriously dude, at least tame the BLACK eyebrows and attempt to hide your roots! Or is he just SO FUCKING COUNTER-CULTURE that he doesn’t need to hide his roots?!
3. Button Down FLAME-EMBELLISHED shirts. Blue-collar-worker shirts from gas stations and factories with the name “BOB” or “JOE” cleverly patched on them (the problem being that he fucking bought the shirt at the store for COOL-FUCKS, which was made in China and certainly has never been worn by anyone who has done manual labor). OH AND THE FLAME-SUPERMAN-ARMBAND TATTOO TO MATCH THE FUCKING SHIRT!
4. The guttural, neanderthal noises he makes when inserting sloppy-food into his slit of a mouth. Die you disgusting knuckle-dragger.
5. Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives? Original!!?? I don’t fucking think so douche-bag! Everyone thinks they are cool when they find a shitty-hole-in-the-wall place that serves good food without a side of E. Coli 0157:H7! So fucking COUNTER-CULTURE!! You are the first Mr. Fieri, I promise!
6. Fake fucking Tan. I usually don’t give a shit if someone wants to bake themselves into a skin-cancer-biscut, but his “dude-from-California” efforts go too far with the hair+fake tan.
7. The last scene, where Mr. COOL-FUCKSTER drives off in his classic-antique-car-fuck-you. Oh! Guy! You make me swoon when you drive off with your 90’s polarized sunglasses, with the sleeve of your flame-embellished shirt showing while you wave your pork-arm at the camera from your “retro” automobile!
8. His pinky-ring. When your fingers morph into bitty sausages, we all know the shitty-skull-pinky-ring used to fit your middle finger, but your baby-butter-soft-sausage fingers have grown so swollen that you had to move it to your little-piggy-pinky.

Now after that extensive list of details regarding someone I want to light on fire, you might wonder why I know so much about him… yes- the darling husband (slowly decomposing on the couch, or with the couch since it is becoming threadbare with the abuse) watches this tool-belt-of-a-man stuff greasy drippings into his mouth while narrating a prime-time TV show, but that is another comment for another day.

Jaclyn June 24, 2011 at 8:39 am

Wow. I’ve heard the name but I didn’t really know who he was before. Now, based solely on your description, I am absolutely certain that I hate him too.
Jaclyn recently posted..Something Strange in the Neighborhood

Noa June 25, 2011 at 2:26 pm

That is a lot of rage directed right at Guy Fieri, but honestly, I find it wholly justified hatred. He really is just the most fucked up lunatic they have on Food Network, and up against Sandra Lee, Giadda DeWhatthefuckiswrongwithyourmouth, and Paula Deen, that’s a whole lot of fucked up.

He looks like a caricature of himself.

Bill G. December 8, 2011 at 6:11 pm

As far as I’m concerned, the whole celebrity-chef thing is a titanic crock of shit. People who watch the Food Network and dream of being a chef don’t know shit from shinola. Do you really think that if you go to culinary school, you’re just 5 minutes away from: your pie-hole on the TV, your own line of sauces and premixed spices with your fuckface on the bottle, hobnobbing with celebrities and other rich people that otherwise wouldn’t talk to you unless they were telling you to get their luggage and move your ass, your own trademark TV line (“BOOM!!”), and being paid millions and millions of dollars? Fuck you, Food Network. Get the fuck out of here with that shit.

I worked in my father’s restaurant from age 13-17. It was good from the standpoint of figuring out what I DIDN’T want to do with my life. And for every shit job I worked after that, and there were a lot, I could at least say, “At least I’m not back working at that fucking restaurant!” The best thing my father ever did with his restaurant was to cash out while he was ahead and still had his sanity.

Aspire to work in a restaurant if you want to: 1) Work ridiculous hours that guarantee that you have no life. My dad started at 7 AM and wasn’t home until 10 PM every day but Sunday. 2) You’ll need all those hours because you’ll be working a nickel above minimum wage. 3) Get treated like you’re in the military. Have an opinion on something? Nobody cares, shut the fuck up. Think you’re working too many hours? Nobody cares, shut the fuck up. Want vacation time? Your fucking house after your shift and not having to come in until noon on Sunday is your vacation, shut the fuck up. Want health insurance and a retirement plan? Go win the lottery–until then, shut the fuck up. Get the idea yet? 4) Get treated like shit by 90% of the general public, who wants everything FUCKING NOW!! And yes, it’s OK that my kid acts like a baboon and specializes in making your life hell. 5) Getting called in on that rare day off (or 6 hours before your scheduled shift) because Dave is blowing chunks all over his bathroom after a bender and isn’t coming in.

Having said that, I’ll give all the props in the world to anybody who actually works in a restaurant (not just sitting on the couch watching Food Network and dreaming about it), especially those who make a career of it. You earn every nickel. If I were king, professional sports owners would be paying you a million dollars a year and the professional ballplayers would be busing your tables, washing your dishes, scrubbing your shitters, and serving you cocktails after shift. You work hard so that I can sit on my plump ass and socialize.

HeathRobots June 24, 2011 at 9:01 pm

Many of my irrational hatreds have been mentioned (Gwyneth Paltrow/Everyone on Food TV). Many of my rational hatreds have been mentioned (bad grammar). But no one has mentioned Shirley Temple. Probably b/c no one is 83 years old.

That pretentiously precocious, curly-haired shit head really annoys me. Commercials advertising a box set of her movies on DVD used to run while I was in college, and my roommate knew to change the channel immediately or suffer my rants for the next 10 minutes. She makes Jaden & Willow Smith seem adorable.

Noa June 25, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Now that I think about it, yeah. FUCK YOU, SHIRLEY TEMPLE. Also: Liza Minelli.

Bill G. December 8, 2011 at 6:15 pm

Gwyneth Paltrow eats my ass.

Sara June 24, 2011 at 11:25 pm

If my husband and I ever break up.. it’ll be over that stupid face Nicholas Cage… I hate him with every part of my being.. and my husband thinks he is awesome and every movie he is in is awesome… and … wow, had I known this going into this marriage, things might have been different!!!!! LOL!! ;)

I’m glad Nicholas Cage is on your list.
Sara recently posted..Masking your Titles

Noa June 25, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Your husband thinks, “Drive Angry,” was a cinematic masterpiece?

Jesus Christ. I’m mailing him a punch to the nuts.

Bill G. December 8, 2011 at 6:22 pm
Caprice June 25, 2011 at 1:19 pm

Bwahahahaha! First visit here, and I think I love you.
Caprice recently posted..Holy Orgasms, Batman!

Noa June 25, 2011 at 2:28 pm

I love you, too. Based on your CommentLuv Recent Post.

RADventures June 26, 2011 at 3:42 pm

“Why don’t you just come out and call yourselves what you actually are, “The Disability Exploitation Channel.” Go on ahead and keep shilling out to, “promote awareness,” while you find every job every little person has ever taken and videotape it, and then on Sundays put up a marathon of people who are very seriously mentally ill.”

These is hands-down fucking awesome. Seriously, chick…you’re good.
RADventures recently posted..Drinking beer. Father of the year. Not mutually exclusive.

Noa June 27, 2011 at 12:02 am

Thanks, yo. YOU ARE AWESOME, TOO.

raccoon. June 27, 2011 at 4:13 pm

I have so many.

But- people who wear their sunglasses on the back of their heads. Like they have eyes back there, or something. My cousin’s extremely douche-ridden ex boyfriend did that all the time, and I almost axe-murdered him.
raccoon. recently posted..#1.

Melanie July 15, 2011 at 8:01 am

Adam Sandler. I do not comprehend why people think he’s funny. He just screeches and attempts to contort the sand bag he calls a face. GET OUT OF MY GRILL, SANDLER.

People who insist you watch a movie because it’s SO FUNNY OMG and then laugh REALLY LOUD at the jokes while looking at you expectantly. I DON’T NEED THIS KIND OF PRESSURE WHILE CRINGING MY WAY THROUGH “WATERBOY” JUST TO BE POLITE, OK?

Snobby arty/literary types who sneer at you for liking popular music/culture/anything. Just because you have a degree in Art History doesn’t mean you’re better than me. Especially when I just punched you in the face.

Children/teenagers who smile/laugh while being punished or making up excuses for their behavior. It seems to be some sort of guilty defensive reflex that they can’t really control, but it makes me want to slap the face right off their head.

Text speak. Enough said.

DOMA/DADT supporters. Get. The fuck. Over. Yourselves.

I see myself veering dangerously off into politics/religion, so I’ll stop now.

Noa July 15, 2011 at 2:28 pm

Oh Adam Sandler. Once upon a time, he was actually funny. And like so many great comedians, he took a fucking nose dive and played safe comedy.

And I’m right there with you on DOMA/DADT. I think my sister said it best when she said, “Isn’t this country supposed to be a separation of Church and State? Then it shouldn’t matter, no matter what your religion is, who gets married to one another. God does not check your marriage certificate at the gates of Heaven.”

Bill G. December 8, 2011 at 6:28 pm

I liked Adam Sandler on SNL, and I liked Happy Gilmore. The rest is pretty much bullshit. His career has been a slide downhill ever since.

Holly Riley October 15, 2012 at 11:00 pm

Because I had to deal with them personally not too long ago, (http://www.radaronline.com/exclusives/2012/09/kris-jenner-tries-jump-iphone-5-waiting-line-exclusive) I’d like to add the entire Kardashian/Jenner clan to this list. I’ve had pelvic exams that were more entertaining than anything coming out of that house.

Also, Bristol Palin can suck it…

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