What the fuck is this?
Never in my life have I looked down at my crotch and said, “You know what’s missing? Doodles from a 11-year-old.” Not once. And I have thought some terrible shit in my day.
And I’m going to go out on a limb and say that most tween girls who are just reaching the joyous time of life (in which your shit is ALL FUCKED UP for a week) don’t want stars ‘n hearts n’shit around their hoohoos. It’s not magical. It’s fucking annoying.
But this absurdity apparently had you thinking that it would be an awesome idea to inflict on every woman.
Seriously, who was the graphic designer for these? Why did they not include their signature? Then they could say, with all legitimacy, “I have been in an unbelievable amount of women’s pants.”
Putting pretty designs on a pad is like painting the Sistine Chapel Ceiling on toilet paper–it’s just not going to make a fucking difference, because the use of the product is not a pretty thing.
These are not accessories that you show off. You’re not going to trade designs with your best friend. You’re not going to rip open each packet with bated breath, hoping you got the limited edition print and promptly stick it to your wall.
You’re going to throw it away like a bloody two-dollar hooker full of bad memories.
But, fuck, if this is what you’re going for, you’re not going far enough.
Kotex: Designs by Noa Gavin
1. Twat Tassels
Interchangeable tampon charms to show off your personality! Completely dishwasher safe, never fear getting gangrene of the vagina with Kotex!
The Starter Kit:
–Mistletoe: Feelin’ flirty? Kotex has you (and your snoosnoo) set for a sexy night out!
–Rhinestone Mini-Chandelier: Just add heels for a fun night out with the girls!
–Mood Stone: Your man will never have to guess again!
–PartyMaker: Because no party is complete without a noisemaker and confetti bomb!
–Key Ring: For the worldly, multitasking woman of today!
2. Uterine Superstars!
Do you follow celeb gossip closer than you do your alcohol intake?
With Uterine Superstars, it’s like dry-humping your favorite star!
The Tween Pack: It’s your first period, so start out with trusted TV friends!
–Whoever the fuck kids are watching these days.
The Chic Bleeder Pack: Because you’re in the know during your flow!
–Channing Tatum: Because you love Nicholas Sparks
–Jon Hamm: Right? He’s popular.
–Nathan Fillion: For the geek at heart!
The Fuck Popular Culture Pack: Because bleeding on celebrities is the best revenge.
–The Cast and Crew of all Twilight movies
–The Hilton Sisters
3. The Practical Poonani
For today’s woman on the go; storage solutions and savvy timesavers available on pads and tampons!
–Rape whistle/Douchebag alarm
–Can opener/Lighter (handy in the Apocalypse)
–Prayer Bead attachment
Kotex should fucking hire me. These ideas are golden.
What’s the dumbest product for women you know of?
—Favorite Comment from The Last Post: From HoodyHoo! “Totally voting for myself, just like the vote for homecoming queen. And I didn’t win THAT one (stop that laughing!) so I’ll just DIE if I don’t win this one!”