Absurdly Accessorized Vaginas

06/13/2011 · 136 comments

in Sadist Vagina, What Is Wrong With You?

Kotex.

What the fuck is this?

Never in my life have I looked down at my crotch and said, “You know what’s missing? Doodles from a 11-year-old.” Not once. And I have thought some terrible shit in my day.

And I’m going to go out on a limb and say that most tween girls who are just reaching the joyous time of life (in which your shit is ALL FUCKED UP for a week) don’t want stars ‘n hearts n’shit around their hoohoos. It’s not magical. It’s fucking annoying.

But this absurdity apparently had you thinking that it would be an awesome idea to inflict on every woman.

Seriously, who was the graphic designer for these? Why did they not include their signature? Then they could say, with all legitimacy, “I have been in an unbelievable amount of women’s pants.”

Putting pretty designs on a pad is like painting the Sistine Chapel Ceiling on toilet paper–it’s just not going to make a fucking difference, because the use of the product is not a pretty thing.

These are not accessories that you show off. You’re not going to trade designs with your best friend. You’re not going to rip open each packet with bated breath, hoping you got the limited edition print and promptly stick it to your wall.

You’re going to throw it away like a bloody two-dollar hooker full of bad memories.

But, fuck, if this is what you’re going for, you’re not going far enough.

Kotex: Designs by Noa Gavin

1. Twat Tassels

Interchangeable tampon charms to show off your personality! Completely dishwasher safe, never fear getting gangrene of the vagina with Kotex!

The Starter Kit:
–Mistletoe: Feelin’ flirty? Kotex has you (and your snoosnoo) set for a sexy night out!
–Rhinestone Mini-Chandelier: Just add heels for a fun night out with the girls!
–Mood Stone: Your man will never have to guess again!
–PartyMaker: Because no party is complete without a noisemaker and confetti bomb!
–Key Ring: For the worldly, multitasking woman of today!

2. Uterine Superstars!

Do you follow celeb gossip closer than you do your alcohol intake?
With Uterine Superstars, it’s like dry-humping your favorite star!

The Tween Pack: It’s your first period, so start out with trusted TV friends!
–Whoever the fuck kids are watching these days.
–Justin Bieber

The Chic Bleeder Pack: Because you’re in the know during your flow!
–Channing Tatum: Because you love Nicholas Sparks
–Jon Hamm: Right? He’s popular.
–Nathan Fillion: For the geek at heart!

The Fuck Popular Culture Pack: Because bleeding on celebrities is the best revenge.
–Justin Bieber
–The Cast and Crew of all Twilight movies
–The Hilton Sisters

3. The Practical Poonani

For today’s woman on the go; storage solutions and savvy timesavers available on pads and tampons!

–Flashlight attachment
–USB Port
–Rape whistle/Douchebag alarm
–Can opener/Lighter (handy in the Apocalypse)
–Prayer Bead attachment
–Wi-Fi capabilities
–Flash compatible

Kotex should fucking hire me. These ideas are golden.

What’s the dumbest product for women you know of?

Favorite Comment from The Last Post:
From HoodyHoo! “Totally voting for myself, just like the vote for homecoming queen. And I didn’t win THAT one (stop that laughing!) so I’ll just DIE if I don’t win this one!”

 

Kella June 13, 2011 at 1:57 am

“Snoosnoo”…? What. The. Fuck. Noa.

I’ll never be able to think of my vagina without laughing again.

This is gonna make Sunday mass hell….

Kella June 13, 2011 at 2:03 am

Also, I totally need Nathan Fillion Kotex now.

See what you did? I will never outlive the shame of this.

I may actually piss myself laughing if/when I see him at Nerd HQ next month, for this exact reason. And just know, that while I’m changing into fresh underwear in the ladies’ public restroom, trying to stop the hyperventilated laughter, I’ll be blaming you. The. Whole. Time.

And we’ll see how you sleep at night.

Andi June 13, 2011 at 10:36 am

Oh good, I’m not the only person who passes time in church by thinking about sex. At least I’ll have company in that special portion of hell.

Noa June 13, 2011 at 1:50 pm

Jesus would want you to consider your snoosnoo in your prayers. And Nathan Fillion (who played BibleMan in Super, so it’s a legit reference as well!)

hoodyhoo June 13, 2011 at 5:45 am

I actually got all morally indignant when all the pad manfacturers came out with those cloth-like “discreet” wrappers instead of the old crinkly plastic — so other people wouldn’t know you were GASP! Changing your pad! In the Ladies’ Room! Fuck you, Mr. Corporate Asshole-Man, don’t try to make me ashamed of my body — I can bleed for 4 days AND NOT DIE. Let’s see if you can…

Sarah June 13, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Thank you! Either the people around you are going to be completely oblivious, or they are going to know exactly what you’re doing. Plus, getting that pad changed (crinkly paper and all) in a middle school bathroom without all of your friends knowing should be a right of passage into womanhood. If you can accomplish that, you can accomplish just about anything the world has to throw at you.

Noa June 13, 2011 at 1:51 pm

My favorite? Colored applicators.

WHY, DEAR GOD WHY IS THIS NECESSARY? I could care less what color the fucking applicator is. I could care less what color the wrapper is. I just don’t want to fucking bleed everywhere.

Jessica June 13, 2011 at 6:50 am

BAHAHA.

I love your ideas. I would definitely get a pad with Justin Bieb’s face.

But to be honest, THOSE THINGS ARE CUTE.

It’s kind of like those pretty floral napkins.

You buy them because your friends go “OOOOOH, NICE!” when you go to the bathroom to change your pads. And then they think they should elect you for prom queen.

Something like that, anyway.

Noa June 13, 2011 at 1:54 pm

That’s the thing–the pads ARE adorable. They’re like a Judy Blume novel for your snatch. But it’s just fucking baffling. That’s like putting a disco ball on your toothbrush.

But, honestly? Discoball Toothbrush would be kind of awesome.

Lindsay June 13, 2011 at 6:59 am

Last night, I was wandering around my local retail super-giant and I saw a little girl’s two piece swimming suit with Justin Bieber’s face and signature plastered all over it. All I could think was, “What the fuck kind of parent would let their little girl go around with his face on her chest? And his signature on her ass?”

But your idea takes the cake. You’d have a Bieber Beaver. That’s what you should market it as. I’d buy it.

Dear Sweet Mama June 13, 2011 at 8:23 am

HAHAHAHAHAHA -Bebier Beaver – gasping on floor – don’t make an old lady laugh like that – now I have to change and mop!!!

Anna Bees June 13, 2011 at 9:38 am

Oh. My. God. Bieber Beaver. That’s fucking BRILLIANT! I might have just snorted outloud at my desk at work. Imagine the tv jingles!!

Solarmama June 14, 2011 at 3:06 pm

I guess that would make Bieber Fever an STD. As in: “I was changing my Beiber Beaver in that skanky restroom at the concert, and now I’ve got the worst case of Bieber Fever. My pubes look awesome, though.”

Also, while I completely want Nathan Fillion in my pants, I’d only want to bleed on him if it was some sort of kinky sex related injury that we’d both laugh warmly about in the afterglow shower.

Been lurking for ages. Love you ladies!

Noa June 14, 2011 at 4:06 pm

I’m currently daydreaming about your Nathan “Tightpants” Fillion scene. I hope it would be in Serenity, at least.

Noa June 13, 2011 at 1:56 pm

Oh my God. Bieber Beaver?

That is majestic.

Meg June 13, 2011 at 7:07 am

Next, Depends with pictures of Abe Vigoda for women, Betty White for men.

Noa June 13, 2011 at 1:56 pm

I am on the fucking floor right now. Awesome.

Abby June 13, 2011 at 9:19 am

I actually had a press release sent to me at work about these things http://www.periodpacks.com/. (I do not work for a publication that has anything to do with anything related to that product, by the way, which freaked me the shit out even more. I’m in publishing–maybe “period” and punctuation is the link?)

Anyway, WTF? Now these pansies need pretty flowers and color-coded pie charts? I got mine in a port-a-potty at a rodeo, my mom shoved a tampon in the door, I figured it out (no graphic map or illustrations needed), hopped on my horse and lived to tell the tale.

Noa June 13, 2011 at 1:58 pm

If you look at Kotex’s website (or Tampax, which can only be described as retinal rape) they even have period planners.

What. The. Fuck.

RE: Period Packs. Maybe I’m the only one who had a mom who didn’t treat getting your first period like a magical time in my life in which I became a woman, but the LAST thing I would have wanted is a goddamn gift box.

Andi June 13, 2011 at 2:48 pm

I got my period at the worst possible time — in the middle of a swim meet. My mom made a tentative, half-hearted suggestion at doing something to “celebrate you becoming a woman.” I gave her such an intense bitchface that she shut right up and never mentioned it again. If I could replicate that expression without trying, it would SO come in useful.

I don’t think it would have helped if the tampon I used was hot pink or neon green.

THK June 13, 2011 at 6:25 pm

I love how having a menstrual cycle is the deciding point on whether or not you have “become a woman.” As if the uterus, double-X chromosomes or targeted misogynistic stereotypes weren’t enough qualifiers.

Do post-menopausal women celebrate/mourn “no longer being a woman?” What about in rare cases where a gal never gets her period because of medical complications? Is she eternal referred to as a “girl,” or does it extend to being completely genderless?

Noa June 14, 2011 at 4:07 pm

That’s a damn good question. Does that officially qualify you as a tranny?

momiss June 15, 2011 at 2:40 pm

I am speaking for myself here, but CELEBRATE would be the word. I got a partial hysterectomy at 38 and Nevah, absolutely NEVAH, looked back! And the fact that they are marketing this crap to young women makes me want to barf!!

hoodyhoo June 14, 2011 at 6:21 am

but the mailman enjoys it. Discreet packaging, my ASS!

Jaclyn June 14, 2011 at 10:42 am

HAHA… my mom said something along the lines of “that must be why you’ve been such a bitch this week”. Yeah, gift box my twat.

Siren June 13, 2011 at 9:21 am

I’ve seen earplugs marketed as being designed for women. They are pink. This does not even hold a candle to your dumb product. Well, it does carry on with the “specialized products for women’s orifices” theme. The earplugs, I mean, not the candle.

Noa June 13, 2011 at 1:59 pm

I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE DYE SHIT PINK AND LABEL IT AS “WOMEN’S.”

Tools? PINK IT. Women’s tools.
Razors? PINK IT, ADD $30. Women’s razors.
Deodorant? PINK IT, ADD GLITTER AND REMOVE WORKING INGREDIENTS. Women’s deodorant.
Cars? PINK IT, AND REDUCE THE FUCKING POWER. Women’s cars.

Fuck you, Pink dye. You’re ruining my sanity.

Anna Bees June 13, 2011 at 9:40 am

I was going to write something witty and poignant and hilarious…..

But honestly, I can’t get the image of a confetti bomb shooting out of my snoosnoo out of my head. And really, what tops that? It’d be like New Years and Fourth of July wrapped in one happy package.

Noa June 13, 2011 at 2:00 pm

Fireworks would be a nice addition to the confetti. But, it would have to come with a fire suppression system, and that’s pretty pricey.

Wardegus June 13, 2011 at 9:59 am

I want to bleed on all of those designs. Will the patterns change color or reveal a secret message after a little bit of period blood is added? Kotex should have decoder rings that you can mail away for with 3 box tops and a self-addressed stamped envelope.

Noa June 13, 2011 at 2:00 pm

And now I can only think about Little Orphan Annie’s Menstrual Adventure time.

And it’s awesome.

Jaclyn June 14, 2011 at 10:45 am

The message should say “your mom lied to you. You are, in fact, dying”.

Noa June 14, 2011 at 4:08 pm

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. *wheeze*

Andi June 13, 2011 at 10:35 am

I can’t decide how I feel about this. I saw the ad for the matching tampons (and now I’m thinking, WTF, matching tampons?) in a magazine and I had a moment of — “Oh, cute tampons!” before reality set in and I realized that a hot pink tampon applicator is never going to be on display. Not on my person, anyhow. They would have been cool for Riot Grrl shows in the 90s when people were throwing their period products around. Yes, I know I’m dating myself — shut up.

I actually like the idea of colorful period stuff, but I think these are too tame. They should have skulls, razor blades, barbed wire, red splotches, “Bleed on this, mofos!” and that kind of thing. I would buy pantiliners that said, “Yes, I’m a woman, what’s it to you?” just in case I get patted down at the airport and they demand that I remove my pad. I’m already planning to whip the damn thing out and shove it at them — how much better would it be if it had an awesome design on it? THAT MUCH BETTER, and ya know it.

Noa June 13, 2011 at 2:03 pm

I like the badass designs. Sort of a Girl Power thing yeah? I’d get behind those products, because they’re not flowery and dumb.

Becca_Masters June 13, 2011 at 11:06 am

Oh my god! I laughed so hard at this!!
Noa, you’re fucking brilliant and this shit just cracks me up!

Noa June 13, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Awww, thanks!

The Young Girl June 13, 2011 at 11:39 am

I’ve used the U by kotex stuff and it really sucks. The applicators don’t really applicate. I just ended up frustrated, holding a pink tampon. Super lame.

My husband thinks its strange when I call my lady parts my whooha. he really isn’t prepared for snoosnoo.

Also having a bottle opener attached to your tampon is genius. you would be the life of the party. perfect for strippers!

Noa June 13, 2011 at 2:04 pm

OH MAN, how did I forget a bottle opener?

OR A CLOROX WIPES DISPENSER? Or hand sanitizer attachements? Man, I’ve really left out the stripper demographic.

The Young Girl June 13, 2011 at 2:41 pm

oh yeah! no longer lose money because you are on the rag! bling up that shit!
Tired of opening beer bottles with your ass cheeks?(I hear strippers have been known to do this but i get most of my stripper information from Friends) Tampon bottle opener!
Gold mine to market this to strippers. the everyday girl really doesn’t have too many people up in there on any given day, but being a stripper you gotta make that shit look good. a little vagazzleing and little tampon string chandelier. bam! sexy!

Noa June 14, 2011 at 4:09 pm

That would really be the completion to any stripper’s outfit.

THK June 13, 2011 at 11:52 am

Noa, you’re thinking too small!

I’ve got a propsal for a great product for women–the Uterus Keg. It fits up in your hoo-haw, and you can accessorize with a variety of flashy tap handles. I’ve already got some slogans in the works:

“Fuck pregnancy. Here’s something you’ll *actually* want to carry around for nine months. (And you can still drink!)”
“Yeast infection? More like a yeast CELEBRATION!”
“Here’s the flow your man will want to know!”
“Giving good head without all the work.”
“Hey, at least he’ll go down there more often.”

Noa June 13, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Holy. Shit.

This was magical.

THK June 13, 2011 at 4:37 pm

Why thank you. I’ve also got ideas for a flavored Vegan lube product line. “For the only meat you’ll ever eat.”

I think I could make it in the advertising and development fields.

Noa June 14, 2011 at 4:10 pm

YOU ARE FUCKING FUNNY.

MadScientistK June 13, 2011 at 11:53 am

LOL Snoosnoo. Isn’t that what they inflicted on the guys in Futurama on that women only planet?

Oh, they’re doing this to disposable diapers, too, because one of the selling points of reusable cloth diapers is the cute prints. I guess the reusable pad community can be blamed for this. Personally, I want action stars on mine, so they look more beat up as the day goes on!

Kella June 13, 2011 at 12:15 pm

Personally, I’m a fan of getting my daughter the Disney Princess Pull-Ups. Because my daughter’s recent addiction is filling the diaper to capacity, hiding from me/outright ignoring me when I suggest a diaper change, disappearing somewhere in the house to take it off herself, and then relieve herself wherever she stands. The amusement factor comes in somewhere in the middle, where the faces of the Disney Princesses are so waterlogged with urine that I can’t look at promo art for Beauty and the Beast or Aladdin with a straight face ever again…

MadScientistK June 13, 2011 at 6:22 pm

That exactly. No Disney princess should escape the pee!

Noa June 13, 2011 at 2:13 pm

Yes, that’s a Futurama reference–good catch!

The action stars is a great idea. I would like to have Schwarzenegger on mine.

MadScientistK June 13, 2011 at 6:23 pm

I’m leaning towards Jean Claude VanDamme or Vin Diesel. It would just be so funny!

Kerri June 13, 2011 at 8:18 pm

and the tagline would be “I’ll be baaack….next month?!

Noa June 14, 2011 at 4:10 pm

I was trying so hard to work in a Predator, “GET TO THE CHOPPA,” reference, but it just wouldn’t stick.

Ew. Sicked myself out there.

BrassyDel June 13, 2011 at 1:02 pm

Thanks to Regretsy, I already know that someone has made reusable pads with vampires on them. http://www.regretsy.com/2009/10/20/the-curse/
And thanks to YOU, NOA, that’s the first thing I thought about after reading your post.

Way to ruin my coffee break. Now where’s the brain bleach?

Noa June 13, 2011 at 2:13 pm

I fucking loved that Regretsy post, because it was supposed to be such a legit product, and it was so fucking awful.

Enjoy your coffee!

Rachael June 13, 2011 at 1:40 pm

Oh god, I should have known this was inevitable as soon as I found out that there was a decorative cloth menstrual pad trend on Etsy. In fact, I could have sworn I saw Regretsy featuring one with Edward Cullen on it, but it’s not there. And I went through all 40 pages of cloth menstrual pads on Etsy to see if I could find it there. I couldn’t. But you know what I DID find?

http://etsy.me/jxRtN6

You’re welcome.

Noa June 13, 2011 at 2:14 pm

Yep, you did see one on Regretsy!

And isn’t that unconstitutional to bleed on the President?

Rachael June 13, 2011 at 2:42 pm

I don’t think the Constitution has anything about bleeding out of your vagina because a bunch of old white guys who gag at the thought of anything menstrual wrote it. They were just in denial, though. If we revised the Constitution now, it’d probably be unconstitutional to get your period on the President, and also required that you Vagazzle his face onto your junk. (I’m not sure how the word “vagazzle” works.)

Noa June 14, 2011 at 4:12 pm

It works. Vagazzling always works.

$10 says that if the First Lady vagazzled, the news would fucking report it.

Rachael June 16, 2011 at 11:58 pm

This is why America can’t have nice things.

Kella June 17, 2011 at 1:23 am

…I thought that was Sarah Palin?

Justine June 13, 2011 at 1:50 pm

I signed up to receive a free sampler pack of these and the tampons because…free.

I had a period related emergency a few weeks ago and one of the color coded tampons was the first thing I could grab.

Expectation: Fun colors! It will be like the college experience I never had! (Assuming I would have attended college in like 1984)
Reality: Is neon even back in right now? I can’t keep track. Where are my real tampons?!

Noa June 13, 2011 at 2:15 pm

It’s like 1984 threw up on Kotex. Not a good thing.

Kaye June 13, 2011 at 2:00 pm

How bout a pad with fur around it? lmfao! All for noise reduction…because when I used to wear one the sound was a billion times louder and it sounded like a diaper.

Noa June 13, 2011 at 2:15 pm

Fur?

That’s not a bad idea.

Kaye June 13, 2011 at 2:37 pm

Just to clarify….fur on the OUTSIDE lol, that would just get gross if it was facing the wrong direction.

Noa June 14, 2011 at 4:12 pm

That does clear up a LOT of questions.

Miss Lu June 13, 2011 at 2:46 pm

Things I would like my CoocPussy Plugs to come with:

Drugs

That’s it.

I would like my tampons to come pre-seeped in my favorite cocktail of pain relievers, bloat reducers and happy pills.

And possibly a small flash-bang granade incase I want to leave business meeting early.

Noa June 14, 2011 at 4:13 pm

BAM. Kotex should also hire you. Genius.

I’m just picturing a woman in a meeting, sticking her hand up her skirt to pull the pin on her crotch, and a flash bomb going off while she escapes. You’d be like the BatCrotch.

Kella June 13, 2011 at 3:35 pm
Noa June 14, 2011 at 4:14 pm

Excellent.

Cate June 13, 2011 at 3:36 pm

How about Dexter-themed pads? Just like the title sequence! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cgo57OBKFOA

MadScientistK June 13, 2011 at 6:27 pm

That would be so oddly appropriate.

Noa June 14, 2011 at 4:14 pm

Wouldn’t it, though? Good call, Cate.

DevilsHeaven June 13, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Ok, now I’ve seen the FANCY DESIGN!!! liners, and I thought the SAME THING. WHO THE FUCK cares that much about their period???
But you got me to thinking, and honestly why I never thought of this before is beyond me. I TOTALLY CLAIM PATENT on this one.
Tampons laced with time release vicodin, for those cramps that just bring you to your knees. Or, just because we have fucking periods and who wouldn’t want a hit of vicodin every couple of hours? I mean really, if I am going to put more chemicals up my who-ha (colored tampons? really?) at least I should benefit from it!!!

Noa June 14, 2011 at 4:15 pm

Miss Lu above you there grabbed the patent first, but I bet you could invest. It’s a fan-fucking-tastic idea.

Jean June 13, 2011 at 4:41 pm

I do not want to have a happy period with hearts and bled-on butterflies. Sometimes, when I’m on my period, I want to rip someone’s head off. The inventor of this will do. Kotex wants to invent something to make my period more interesting? Invent underwear with black crotches that won’t show stains. Then they’d have something I want. Otherwise, seriously, I wish them pain and suffering on Christmas.

Noa June 14, 2011 at 4:15 pm

It’s like their forcing the happiness on your crotch. NOTHING ABOUT THIS WEEK IN A MONTH IS HAPPY OR MAGICAL. IT’S JUST FUCKING ANNOYING.

Thank you, Jean.

Lilscorpiosweet June 13, 2011 at 6:02 pm

I got to thinking about the dumbest products for women and all I could think of was those dumb discrete pasty things that you can wear with your bra ( you know to hide those nipple hard ons when its chilly out). Some bras even have them built in and all I can think of is the outline of that flower pattern and you KNOW that people are looking trying to figure out why the fuck you have a flower (that was pressed) in your shirt. Not to mention if you inadvertently got your shirt wet and then the flower is like reappearing ink showing up so inappropriately.

I will leave the flower pressing to the books. Anyway the point in wearing a bra is not only for support and shape (you know for that sexy silhouette) the last thing you need is a flower pasty shape announcing to the world that you are trying to cover a NHO.

I have to say that the idea of bleeding on a famous person does have its appeal however I am not sure that I want to pay for the “brand name/celebrity” because they get royalties from the money you shell out to bleed on them every 28 days. I am not a Bieber fan or a Miley fan and am not gonna contribute to their fame by bleeding on their face.. and for some reason having Miley’s face between my thighs is not something I would approve of anyway… or Bieber’s for that matter.

My husband did say that because I have a “crush” on Vin Diesel that I would shell money out to bleed on Vin Diesel. I said are you fucking kidding me.. that is no way in hell sexy! If I am bleeding on Vin Diesel I had better be shot because then it would be like he was saving my life or something and that kind of bleeding is sexy in a rescue kind of way.

So on that note, Noa this is why you are the leader of the Funny Bitches because damn.

Lilscorpiosweet June 13, 2011 at 10:32 pm

Also while we are on the subject of Celeb pads.. especially if Bieber’s face is on the pad does that qualify him to get his red wings?

I can’t even begin to think who else’s face might be on a pad. There are just some celeb’s I wouldn’t bleed on even if I was paid to buy the product with their face on it.

Noa June 14, 2011 at 4:18 pm

First, thank you for the compliment.

Second, yes, the pasties. While an improvement on, “oh, you put bandaids on your nipples,” it’s not great when its, “oh, you have pasties on.” That’s the fucking point of pasties. It’s be like the word SPANX showing through your clothes every time you wore them. It just doesn’t make sense.

RebeccaLK June 13, 2011 at 6:38 pm

So I think that floral douche is pointless. Having to spend money on making it smell like posies for five minutes is stupid. Its like when you walk through Macys and people reach out to spray you…. Noone says Maam try this….we call it CK Vag… Its unisex….meaning you can use it also in your butt!
I have better things to do with my time….like chase the family cat…who dragging her poop reminants across my rug!

Noa June 14, 2011 at 4:19 pm

I’m very concerned about your cat right now.

Also, douching is weird. Just…ew.

Can they market that in New Car? or Pizza and Beer? Those are Man-Attractant scents.

Johi June 13, 2011 at 6:46 pm

Whhhhhhyyyyyyy?

Noa June 14, 2011 at 4:19 pm

Like why people keep having sex with Hugh Hefner, the world may never know.

THK June 13, 2011 at 7:02 pm

Oh yeah, and they could always incorporate Clitter!

http://m.jezebel.com/5535505/clitter-for-sparkly-vaginas-on-a-budget

Noa June 14, 2011 at 4:21 pm

That was fucking hilarious.

Norway August 25, 2011 at 3:43 am

Whilst waiting for the link to load, I went back and forth like three times between “This is ridiculous; what is this crap?” and “Oh, this is somebody’s funny-bitch type blog, right? That MUST be it. I hope.”

I lost; I thought it was a blog. No, wait. We all lose with this crap.

Eejaye June 13, 2011 at 7:25 pm

Best of both worlds… you can have the flirty flowery pads AND bleed on Edward Cullen’s face. Good times.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/10/30/pattison-panties-emtwilig_n_340022.html

Noa June 14, 2011 at 4:21 pm

Doesn’t buying these qualify as a mental illness?

Eden June 13, 2011 at 7:35 pm

this makes me kinda wish I had a dick. kinda.

Noa June 14, 2011 at 4:22 pm

That’s a pretty stout, yet understandable, reaction.

Julia June 13, 2011 at 8:26 pm

You Totally need You GO-GIRL… Ever been envious of a mans ability to piss anywhere, the side of the road, a tree, the front lawn… be jealous no more… I bring you Go Girl the product that turns your girl bits into boy bits! Wow your friends with your distance pissing ability!

http://www.go-girl.com

Also available in cardboard for those needing a disposable solution.

Heather Heartless June 14, 2011 at 12:40 am

I pretty much only want one so I can write my name in the snow. I had given some pretty serious consideration to getting shit faced drunk (extra writing power!) and using a catheter, but no one will sell one to you for that reason.

Noa June 14, 2011 at 4:22 pm

“Wow your friends with your distance pissing ability.”

Wow. I have never had a need to do so, but now I really want to.

elizabeth- flourish in progress June 13, 2011 at 9:49 pm

Dammit, Noa. DAMMIT. Now, every time I look at Justin Bieber, I’m going to think of Beavers.

Noa June 14, 2011 at 4:23 pm

It’s a good association training thing.

Heather Heartless June 13, 2011 at 10:09 pm

I bet you never thought that my gangrenous vagina comment would come in handy except for those times when you just gotta have that “Bullimic Fresh” feeling.

I’m pretty wigged out by those weird cup/test tube things ‘green’ (again with the gangrene) women use because you just take it out, dump it out, wash it, and you’re good to go again and you didn’t even harm the environment. I’m sorry, but if anything plastic and/or rubber is going up there, it better damn well be vibrating.

What if it breaks?

Kella June 13, 2011 at 10:51 pm

Am I the only one in the world who thinks that those diva cups are EXACTLY like the cup-and-ball-on-a-string toys that we used to get at Chuck E. Cheese/church holiday fairs and festivals???

http://www.beadjewelrymaking.com/images/newimage/ballncupstep2.gif

Why the FUCK would I want that in my vagina, you freaks?

Heather Heartless June 14, 2011 at 12:38 am

Holy shit… That’s exactly what that is!

Did some woman just stare blankly at her child playing with one of those and think “I have to have that in my vagina”?

Noa June 14, 2011 at 4:30 pm

I loathe the diva cup. It reminds me of the spitcup that people who chew use. Gross. Totally, totally fucking gross.

And the image of the inventor, staring at her child playing with a tchotke (sp?) saying “EUREKA.”

Kella June 14, 2011 at 4:44 pm

Oh my god, Noa. Now I have mental images of “Eureka” (the t.v. show) inside a diva cup inside a vagina.

I need to stop reading comments when my kid’s finally down for a nap. I keep barking out laughter that scares the shit out of her.

Wupppy June 14, 2011 at 6:23 am

finally.someone.thankyou.

*sight*

Noa June 14, 2011 at 4:31 pm

Bam.

Lynne June 14, 2011 at 10:33 am

Pink guns. At first, I saw a small pellet-type gun with black metal, a pink stock and pink forward grip at a major retailer with the word Bass in the name. Then, on another visit to their store, I saw full-size rifles with shiny (not blued) metal and all pink plastic grips and stocks. Next I see pink handguns.

It is in my honest and somewhat professional opinion that if a woman wants to carry a pink gun, especially a handgun, SHE DOESN’T NEED TO CARRY A GUN AT ALL. As in, “Oh, look at the pretty little pink gunnnnnnnnnnnnnn! Ooooooooo I want one!”

Please let me be nowhere near these people in a time of crisis (or in their case, a possibly even perceived crisis).

Lilscorpiosweet June 14, 2011 at 1:17 pm

My 7 yr. old wants a pink Hello Kitty rifle which is in pink camouflage. I think they are seriously trying to market selling weapons and female products to little kids. Oooo look bright shiny colors and pink which makes it a girls thing.

The novelty of having something pink was not lost on my 13 yr old son who exclaimed that boys can also like pink. I think he secretly wants the Hello Kitty rifle too. He just won’t admit to it.

Noa June 14, 2011 at 4:31 pm

I have seen both types: hello kitty gun and regular ol’ pink gun. And to each I say, isn’t the point of a concealed weapon—to be concealed?

Lilscorpiosweet June 14, 2011 at 9:43 pm

I guess not if you are a 7 year old girl or a woman that just has to show off your pretty pink gun..

Noa June 15, 2011 at 3:12 pm

Touche.

Jaclyn June 14, 2011 at 10:38 am

I once found some nasty, hippie bullshit about how to make your own tampons (I’d like to state for the record that I absolutely, positively was NOT looking for this). I don’t have the link right now, and I’m not about to google it at work, but let me break it down for you in a few easy steps:

1. Buy baby socks
2. Roll up baby sock and shove it up your vagina
3. Destroy baby’s childhood

Fin.

Noa June 14, 2011 at 4:32 pm

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

OH GOD NO.

SassyO June 14, 2011 at 12:09 pm

It’s so wrong of me to say this, but one of these, decorated in the correct fashion, could bring an entirely new meaning to the term “twatwaffle.”

Noa June 14, 2011 at 4:32 pm

Yes. Yes it could. Good call.

Grace June 14, 2011 at 4:35 pm

Ok, I simply have to weigh in here. First, the most absurd product I have recently seen marketed to women was pink (of course) palpation sleeves. I’ll explain because I’m probably the only crazy person that uses these daily. Palpation sleeves are the plastic arm length gloves worn to rectally palpate horses and cattle. Gross, but necessary (imagine doing that bare-armed). They have recently been marketing pink gloves for the rash of women veterinarians now hitting the work force. Of course they only dyed that shit pink, they forgot to actually make them smaller to fit a women’s hand and arm. Also, they (whoever they are) decided the would make them biodegradable, so one can simply toss it on the ground after use and not worry about cleaning up a rash of shitty gloves…problem is they start degrading WHILE YOU’RE STILL WEARING THEM! Not my idea of the perfect glove.

Also, on the drug laced tampon idea…I want in. Apparently, it is a new teenage trend to soak vag plugs in vodka and insert them for a slow steady buzz. I’m sure if we couldn’t sell drug laced ones to manufacturers we could easily hock that shit on the black market.

Noa June 14, 2011 at 4:39 pm

All I can think about is the “quick dissolving toilet paper” they sell in Wal-Mart and how having a glove similar to that designed to be, literally, in a horse’s ass, is just awful.

Handflapper June 14, 2011 at 5:30 pm

Well, damn. If I had known sanitary napkins were going to get all stylish and shit, I would have held on to my uterus a little while longer.

Noa June 14, 2011 at 8:31 pm

It’s a sad day for vaginas everywhere.

bschooled June 14, 2011 at 6:06 pm

HA!! Believe it or not (believe it!) “Practical Poonani” was actually my nickname in college. I gave it to myself. I needed something to boost my reputation after spending all of high school being known as “Tongue-In-Cheek Twat.”

Which was, coincedentally enough, another nickname I gave myself.

Noa June 14, 2011 at 8:32 pm

You have what most people like to call, “the balls.” You have all of them for calling yourself the Practical Poonani.

Annie June 14, 2011 at 10:32 pm

“Flash compatible” Hilarious. I have been laughing for a half an hour and have showed this to everyone near me.

Noa June 15, 2011 at 3:12 pm

Hooray! Thanks, Annie. Glad you like it!

wagthedad June 16, 2011 at 5:51 am

I am ALL for smearing something all over something you throw away that has Justin Bieber’s face on it.

Noa June 16, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Bieber Beavers FOR THE GODDAMN WIN.

the letter m July 27, 2011 at 8:31 pm

What. The. Fuck.
This came from the same fucking bright spark that makes tampon/pad ads on television in Australia, I’m sure.

Apparently if you change the brand of twatrag you use, you can instantly be transformed into a skinny chick who enjoys riding horses and waterskiing while bleeding out the vagina.

Speaking of which, there’s no time that bleeding onto Nathan Fillion is appropriate.

Can you get one to match your trampstamp? Imagine the horror of having your trampstamp in celtic knotwork but your kotex in swirls and mutated butterflies. Now that’s a fashion faux pas.

The all time crappest product I’ve seen for women is the ‘Go Girl’, lavender coloured pee funnel. Now that’s a great birthday present.

Noa July 28, 2011 at 6:08 pm

Merry Christmas! I hate you! Here’s a way to pee weirdly!

Norway August 23, 2011 at 10:53 pm

As much as I love all your ideas, I don’t think a mood stone is necessary. When it’s that time of the month, the only moods I really have are “Pissed Off” and “Where’s The Chocolate?”

Noa August 24, 2011 at 1:22 pm

I have an “everything is so sad,” mood, in which I’ll maybe cry if I leave my taco sauce in the kitchen when I sit down to eat.

Bill G. December 8, 2011 at 10:35 pm

They should offer the Law and Order/CSI fun pack. The pads would have pictures of crime scenes with dead people, and you get to supply the blood to complete the murder scene!

Noa December 8, 2011 at 10:50 pm

Genius.

Bill G. December 9, 2011 at 1:57 pm
Noa December 19, 2011 at 12:58 am

FUCK THAT SHIT.

Bill G. December 19, 2011 at 6:44 am

On that episode of Red Dwarf, the way that the robot and the chick get back at the guy is pretty damn funny.

Bill G. December 19, 2011 at 6:45 am

I showed the artsy pad to my wife. It didn’t get a good review.

Noa December 19, 2011 at 6:58 pm

Your wife’s a smart lady.

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