A Series of Awkward Elevator Conversations

06/06/2011 · 117 comments

in I'm A Terrible Person, Psychological Warfare

If I had one wish, it would be for social skills.

Other Person: “Man, what would we do without these carts for groceries?”
Noa: “Oh, I know right?”
Other Person: “I don’t know what I’d do.”
Noa: “Yeah, you’d have to get a slave or something.”

What? A slave? Are you a racist now?

Other Person: “Well, we meet again.”
Noa: “Yeah! You’re following me aren’t you.”
Other Person: “Haha, yes. Are you going up for food later?”
Noa: “Yeah, actually.”
Other Person: “Then I’ll see you again there!”
Noa: “Oh man, it’s just going to be a day full of…full of that. Yeah. A day full of that.”

Jesus Christ, Noa. A day full of that? What the hell is wrong with you?

Other Person: “Man, I hate taking the freight elevator.”
Noa: “It’s just terrible.”
Other Person: “It’s just so slow to open the doors. It makes you think you’re going to be trapped.”
Noa: “And then you have to think about who you would eat first if you were trapped.”

Oh my God. Why does anyone let me leave my home?

Other Person: “I like your bag. I have one!”
Noa: “Nice! Did you get it in Hawaii?”
Other Person: “Yep, in Waikiki!”
Noa: “Great. We’re in an exclusive club called anybody.”
Other Person: Silence. For 30 floors.

You really have no idea what general social appropriateness is, do you? Why don’t you just punch them in the tit and be done with it?

Other Person: “Sure is hot out today.”
Noa: “Yeah. I’m worried that the bums might start dying.”

Just a ray of goddamn sunshine, aren’t we?

Other Person: “There’s going to be an omelette bar on the roof tomorrow!”
Noa: “Yeah, I saw the signs for it.”
Other Person: “Are you going to go?”
Noa: “I don’t think so. I’m not great at social interaction.”
Other Person: “Well, I’m the one making all the omelettes.”
Noa: “Do they help with the social interaction issue?”

You couldn’t be more of an asshat.

Fuck it, Noa. You just need to start making a game of this. Try to start the weirdest conversation before you have the chance to fuck up a normal one.

“Noticed your bulge is looking spectacular these days.”
“How’s your mom’s mudflaps?”
“Have you heard the good news from Tom Cruise?”
“So, have you heard about the new Chinese masturbatory aid? It’s a severed head.”
“Sure is hot out. How do you combat ballsweat? Is there a nutsack deodorant available?”
“You know the cameras can see you pee.”
“Can you recommend a cremation method?”
“Have you ever noticed how HD really makes the herp stand out on porn stars?”
“I love this building. Does your apartment smell like tuna when you do laundry, too?”

What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever seen in an elevator? What other conversation starters should I know?

Rosie June 6, 2011 at 4:13 am

“Why, yes. There is a nutsack deodorant!”
http://www.sofreshsodry.com/products/fresh-balls/

Noa June 6, 2011 at 2:41 pm

Oh. Oh my God. The fucking link includes fresh-balls and I am filled with utter joy.

KatieTheBlogLady June 6, 2011 at 6:04 pm

I just bought the T-Shirt for my husband. Happy Father’s Day!
KatieTheBlogLady recently posted..Snoop Dogg Ain’t Got Nothin on This Green

Noa June 7, 2011 at 2:36 pm

Hint hint, darling.

wagthedad June 6, 2011 at 5:08 am

OK, this is not advertising for my latest post, but it’s the same guy in that story (http://www.wagthedad.com/thailand-check-under-hood/) and in this one. Also, we were not in an elevator but in a kitchen. Doesn’t matter b/c we might as well have been in an elevator.

So my wife, Tweed and I go to Barcelona. We take the night train from Paris. Originally there were more friends, but Tweed, ever the third wheel, comes with us to Barcelona. We get there at around 8:00 A.M. and go to the apartment we’ve rented. It’s owned by this British couple but managed by an Irishman named Finbar. Awesome name, methinks.

So Finbar shows up. He’s great. He pulls out a map, shows us where to go, where not to go, offers us a coke/mineral water/beer/snort.

Finbar is also gay. Since I have gaydar, I noticed it immediately, y’all. And I don’t care, as don’t (I assume) all of my other friends, considering a quarter of them are gay.

So Finbar’s going all out with what to do, apologizes that he can’t give us the complimentary cell phone (?) that’s usually loaned out to guests, because the last guests accidentally took it with them and yadda, yadda, yadda.

Finbar: Is there anything else I can tell you?
Barbara: Is there a nice beach near here?
Finbar: Yes, you can take the train to XYZ beach. It’s a thirty minute ride, it’s a small seashore town, and it’s beautiful.
Tweed: Isn’t that where the gays go?
Finbar: ?
Barbara: ?
Me: ?
Finbar: Yes, but a lot of people go there with their families as well.

Handshakes all around, Finbar leaves.

Me: “The Gays,” Tweed? WTF?
Tweed: “I know, I know, I don’t know why that came out. I’m sorry.”
Me: Call up Finbar, tell HIM you’re sorry. “Let’s not go there because that’s where ‘the blacks’ are. Hey, I don’t want to play on the team with faggy! I dropped the ball because faggy was looking at me! Hey, we could go there except for all the wetbacks!’

Tweed: Fuck you.
Barbara: Calm down.
Me: “Hey! Let’s go beat up faggy and crucify him on some barbed wire! Hey! Let’s go make slanty eyes at the gooks!”

Barbara: I need a wine cooler.
Tweed: It hurts when I pee.

Ninja Mom June 6, 2011 at 8:03 am

Diggety dude that’s some funny shit.

Tangental side note. I’ve begun adding “the” in front of things that don’t require it. “I guess that’s The Bieber all the girls swoon over.”

I’m 34. Why am I suddenly in conversational training for my 70s?
Ninja Mom recently posted..You can dance if you want to

Noa June 6, 2011 at 2:44 pm

That’s really fantastic. Racism all around! Oh wait. No. Not good at all with the racism. It’s nice to see that awkwardness is global!

hoodyhoo June 6, 2011 at 6:13 am

Dude, I keep telling you: There is absolutely NO POINT in talking to people. Just do what I do, make sure you always have bitchface, and steady as she goes!
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Noa June 6, 2011 at 2:45 pm

I’ve learned to just walk into the elevator with my phone already checking shit out, but then people insist on speaking with me and I must create a diversion.

Bill G. June 9, 2012 at 10:17 am

I like Brian Regan’s take: “Don’t you like that thing that people do with their eyebrows when you’re getting in the elevator. It’s like, ‘I see you but I got nothing to say to you. Welcome to the area.'” Works for me, people need to do more of that shit.

Julia June 6, 2011 at 6:51 am

I am the queen of mixed metaphores…oh and just totally fucking up… like for instance… My kids were not going to bed…I must have walked up and down those stairs like at least twice, and now I was getting mad… So I Marched back up there again and burst into their bedroom and screamed at the top of my lungs “YOU GUYS ARE WALKING ON VERY THIN WATER!!!!” then I slammed the door because that will show them.

I walked back down the stairs to find my husband laughing, then he said wow our kids are like JESUS! I had to go all kungfu ninja on his ass because seriously they are HIS children and I am sure not a decendent of Jesus!

Noa June 6, 2011 at 2:48 pm

This made me think of Dogma for some reason, and then your kids were Matt Damon and Ben Affleck, and then I don’t blame you for yelling at them.

Ena June 6, 2011 at 6:53 am

Can you imagine the advert for Ball Deodorant?

IS YOUR SWEATY SACK GETTING YOU DOWN?
NO ACTION BECAUSE OF A PERSPIRING PENIS?
WE HAVE THE SOLUTION FOR YOU!

Noa June 6, 2011 at 2:48 pm

I can only hear Billy Mays saying this.

Oh, thank you so much for sharing that. That was magical.

Ena June 6, 2011 at 2:55 pm

I have no idea who Billy Mays is… I FEEL VERY STUPID NOW!

But I do want to see this on a shopping channel of some sort!

BUY NOW AND WE’LL THROW IN A FREE PENIS SCRAPER, TO GET RID OF ALL THAT EXCESS SMEG!

…And that’s why I don’t usually comment here.

christine June 6, 2011 at 5:13 pm

nonono that’s why you SHOULD comment here! if there’s any blog that would require the word smeg to be in your comment, it’d be this one lol

Noa June 7, 2011 at 12:07 am

Oh God yes–I agree! I loved your comment! And the Smeg Scraper! Please, if this is the amazing kind of funny you’re bringing, keep on keepin’ on.

(Billy Mays was an infomercial king who did a shitload of coke and yelled about OxiClean. I watch too much TV. Don’t feel bad at all.)

Bill G. June 9, 2012 at 10:22 am

Maybe they should do it like the douche commercials. Dad’s folding the laundry distractedly while his son sidles up and says, “Dad, what do you do when you feel not-so-fresh?” Kid has to wait until parent is doing something because there can’t be eye contact during that conversation. For son/dad, I guess folding laundry really isn’t believable. Have the conversation while he’s fixing the doorbell or a carburator.

Brandi June 6, 2011 at 7:00 am

Wait, you live in a building that regularly has food on the roof? I’m living in wrong damn place.
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Noa June 6, 2011 at 2:49 pm

Every other day they have some social event going on. If I weren’t an awful person I would join in.

Lori Stefanac (Lola) June 6, 2011 at 7:17 am

I don’t say anything in the elevator. I hate “elevator talk”. Who needs the pressure? I just face the wrong way, mumble a little to myself and everyone pretty much leaves me alone.

Noa June 6, 2011 at 2:50 pm

My building is overly friendly. It’s apparently an unwritten rule that you must speak in the elevators.

AshleyS June 6, 2011 at 7:58 am

There just so happens to be a deodorant for sweaty nutsacks.

http://www.sofreshsodry.com/products/fresh-balls/

You’re welcome.

Noa June 6, 2011 at 2:50 pm

This is making my day.

Ninja Mom June 6, 2011 at 8:10 am

Yes, I have this problem. Times like those I wish God had given me a third tit instead of a mouth. More action from the menfolk and no BJs.

My faux pas tend to be more along the lines of inappropriate empathy.
“I’m so sorry to hear about you losing your job. I hope you find something real soon.
*pause while I scramble to relate*
You know, I’m unemployed, too. Well, I’m at home with my kids and I’m not actually looking for a job. Also, my husband has a job with great benefits and we order pizza every Friday from the expensive pizza joint—no Pizza Hut here!
*painful pause*
Would like to hit me?
Ninja Mom recently posted..You can dance if you want to

Noa June 7, 2011 at 12:08 am

How do you match sympathy, you know? I’m one of those people who doesn’t do sympathy well either because I like to talk about me and that’s not a good thing when someone’s all, “Oh, my nana died from getting hit by a train,” because my first reaction would be, “Why was your nana on the tracks?”

Wow. That one ran away with me.

Jaclyn June 6, 2011 at 8:14 am

Once, when I was like 9 years old, there was a boy I liked in school. We were on the playground and he was like “ewww, someone farted” and I was like “oh yeah, that was me”.
I think that would be a great elevator game. Just announce all your farts on the elevator: “do you have a gas mask? Cause you are gonna need one!” or “man I shouldn’t have had those beans”. I imagine it would work best if you made the effort to lift your leg each time, just so there was no misunderstanding as to what you meant.

Oh, and when I was like 19, I remember once telling my boss how the guy I was dating at the time didn’t go down. Yeah. Appropriate.

Or scratch your vagina. Actions speak louder than words, Noa!
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Noa June 7, 2011 at 12:09 am

If your boss was male, I’m gonna venture out and say he was probably pretty cool with it.

Also, yes on the vag scratch. Looking forward to it.

Jaclyn June 6, 2011 at 8:20 am

OR PLAY THE GAME NOA!!! PLAY. THE. GAME.
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Noa June 7, 2011 at 12:09 am

Tried it today! But they only went one floor. Fuckers.

Abby June 6, 2011 at 8:25 am

If you say enough weird shit, people tend to think you’re just genuinely effing with them and don’t take your social ineptitude seriously. They think no one can possibly be as flexible as to stick their foot in their mouth after pulling their head out of their ass, thereby qualifying you as simply sarcastic and not completely void of social graces.

That would work, except I usually end up saying shit somewhere in the middle, therefore solidifying my place in anti-social purgatory. I don’t do small talk–obviously–so it works well.

Noa June 7, 2011 at 12:10 am

You do bring up a good point–I need to pull these back a bit. Will try again.

SA June 6, 2011 at 8:55 am

My BFF and I dance in the elevator, music or no music! Keeps people from trying to start awkward convos with us. If there is no music we usually sing YMCA or Car Wash. My old building was full of retirees & I lived on the 10th floor. Yeah I’m sure we left them wondering “what the hell is wrong with youth today?” In fact one wrinkly dude asked us what was wrong with us? and I told him, its not what is wrong with us! Its that what we get is much better than what your doctor prescribes. After that he always wanted us to come & have drinks with him on his balcony. I always told him no cause I knew he was going to try to shank me. How embarrassing would it be to be shanked by a wrinkly black sock/sandal wearing retiree?

Noa June 7, 2011 at 12:11 am

Wow, that old man sounds just like Herbert the Pervert from Family Guy. “Come on over here, paper boy,” but instead of paper boy, it’s elevator girls. It’s good that you said no to strangers, because that was absolutely a stabbing scenario.

The Young Girl June 6, 2011 at 8:57 am

a girl who is selling some discount cards to the people in my office comes up to the front desk where I work with a bunch of cards for one of my co-workers.

Girl- These are for Peter
Me- Oh, awesome. Peter is really nice.
Girl- Oh yeah i really like him
Me- and he will totally pimp you and your business out.
Girl- what???
Me- I mean he will talk about you a lot to his friends and clients. he isnt really a pimp or anything. I mean, not that I know of…
Girl-…. ok bye. *runs the hell away*
Me- *makes mental note to not use the word pimp at the office*

I also shouldn’t be aloud out of the house.
The Young Girl recently posted..Hard Learned Lessons

The Young Girl June 6, 2011 at 11:53 am

I should also have my coffee before posting… allowed*
The Young Girl recently posted..Hard Learned Lessons

Noa June 7, 2011 at 12:12 am

I feel you there–I automatically assume everyone in the world uses the same slang as me and that every day becomes more apparent. Next time, throw out a cockslam in the grocery store. It’s pretty amazing to see the reactions.

Maria June 6, 2011 at 9:08 am

Gah hahaha!
I LOVE it!

The only thing you’re missing (that inevitably pops up in every awkward moment I have) is that look of shame and you get from the other person. For example:

Other Person: Geez, could it BE any hotter outside?
Me: I don’t know. Have you ever been to hell?
Other Person: (After an awkwardly long pause) Have you found… Jesus yet?

I could feel their Jesus-y eyes looking through my soul with the sole purpose of finding the Devil and extracting him using only a rubber band, a matchbox car, and three drops of Holy Water.

And with that, I sink back into my socially-awkward hole.

Hey!! Maybe if we got all of the social-piranhas together we could start a club! There wouldn’t be any meetings, and there would be no perky, overly-zealous leader calling every week to remind you to bring a dish for the pot luck. Because social-piranhas don’t go to effing pot lucks.

Let me know. I’ll get together some invites. Or not.

:)

Noa June 7, 2011 at 12:13 am

OH THE JESUS EYES. I lost count of how many times I got those this week. And it’s Monday. God I’m awful.

Can the club include bean bag chairs? I’m all about bean bag chairs right now.

Rebecca Rhielle June 22, 2011 at 1:06 am

This is when you answer…”Yes, I did. He was behind the couch the whole time. Whoda thunk?”

Noa June 22, 2011 at 7:12 pm

“Jesus, you’re the BEST at Hide and Seek!”

blondie August 11, 2011 at 10:24 am

Duh, omniscience.

Noa August 11, 2011 at 1:07 pm

Drum riff.

Leauxra June 6, 2011 at 10:01 am

I have the problem of not STOPPING talking when I get to the elevator. My friends know me, but when you only get the last sentence of a conversatinon….

“Yeah, you can fit like 3 adult bodies in the trunk. Probably more if you used kids.”

“…punch him in the house and burn down his family!”

“People crap their pants ALL THE TIME.”

Yeah… you get the picture.
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Noa June 7, 2011 at 12:15 am

Last week, I walked in on an elevator conversation that ended, “Yeah, we were blowing up cars and starting revolutions and then he goes on and runs for president.”

Just…what?

(Also, please tell me those three things are conversations you have had. Because if so, you’re amazing.)

ColinP June 6, 2011 at 10:02 am

Your ray of sunshine comment allowed me to remember a comment I made to someone during a conversation a few co-workers were having near my desk, it started thusly:

co-worker 1: Did you see the game last night?
co-worker 2: Yeah, team X got killed.
co-worker 1: (long string of derogatory comments about team X)
me: Hey co-worker 1, no one has ever confused you with a ray of f**king sunshine have they?

Noa June 7, 2011 at 12:16 am

If it was the Mavs, you tell Coworker 1 to go suck his own asshole because fuck that guy.

There we go again, just being rays of goddamn sunshine.

Thank you for commenting!

THK June 6, 2011 at 10:19 am

Oh man, I’ve never commented here (long time lurker though) but your post almost made me pee myself, so I figured that warrants some kind of documentation.

I say awkward shit like that all the time. Just the other day, I was riding in the car with my boyfriend and his mother. We drove across a bridge over a river that’s infamous for being incredibly dirty. My boyfriend made the comment that he’d like to go scuba diving in the river, just to see what kind of stuff is down at the bottom. His mother made the response that she wouldn’t want that water to touch her skin, and they both decided that he could probably get some sort of suit/mask that would cover up his face and everything.

My contribution to the conversation was this little gem: “Yeah, I wonder how many bodies you’d find down there.”

Then… silence. For a long fucking time. The whole time I’m thinking, “Jesus Christ; they’re going to think you’re a serial killer, or one of those weird people who are a little *too* into taxidermy or something.”

And that’s why I can’t have nice things. :P

Noa June 7, 2011 at 12:18 am

Thank you for commenting! I LOVE to hear from my readers!

I wonder that as well–I mean, there just have to be a shitload of bodies. Once, I was in Louisville and they were dredging the lake, and I asked what for (thinking trash) and the answer was bodies. They found 5.

I think it’s like a 6 month cycle. That’s fucking crazy. It’s a valid concern.

Amanda June 8, 2011 at 9:32 am

I often drive through rural areas of north central Florida. Whenever I stare out into the dark, wet wooded areas I think to myself; “I wonder how long it would take for someone to find a body if I stashed one there. I wonder if it would decompose fast enough not to be noticed because of the wetness and all the critters.”

Noa June 8, 2011 at 12:27 pm

Oh god, I bet there’s hundreds of bodies in the Florida Wetlands. So many dead mobsters.

Handflapper June 6, 2011 at 11:36 am

Husband and I were staying at a very nice bed and breakfast, but I hated the breakfast part because people you don’t know sit at a table with you and expect you to be all social and shit. We kept getting stuck with this horribly obnoxious sorority girl type and her equally horrible but not as loud friends, and all they talked about was shopping and how much money they were saving on shell necklaces and saris and crap I had no interest in anyway. Then one evening husband and I were in the kitchen talking to the proprietress and this girl comes in with a very obvious limp. I exclaim, “Oh! What did you do to your foot?!” expecting some hilarious story of mishap husband and I can make fun of her for later. She replies, “I have a prosthesis.”

What. The. Fuck. Then I realize I had never actually seen her walking before. My brilliant response? “Oh.”

Noa June 7, 2011 at 12:21 am

Now I’m concerned you may have said that to my sister, who has a right leg prosthesis, who totally would not have been offended, because amputees answer those questions their whole lives (I promise). When they get pissed is when you’re all, “Whoa, your knee is all fucked up. How is it not being a whole person?”

(I hope Grace doesn’t read this, because I accidentally called her an obnoxious sorority girl)

And to be fair, she sounded like she fucking deserved to be made fun of for an injury.

Grace June 7, 2011 at 8:56 pm

I think there might, honestly, be a chance it was actually me. Lawd knows I was one of those stupid sorority girls before I found out I have a personality of my own, I don’t have to share.

Noa June 7, 2011 at 9:42 pm

Lawd knows? Are you Tyler Perry now?

labrat June 6, 2011 at 12:11 pm

I’m having my annual review with my boss and I mention how all the people in our office tell me their problems and how I’m like the department mom. He says “that’s weird, you don’t even have gray hair.” I said “well, not that you can see.” Then there’s this awkward silence. Well, outward silence. In my head I’m screaming “OH MY GOD, NOOOOOOooooooo. PLEASE TELL ME YOU DID NOT ACCIDENTLY MAKE A REFERENCE THAT SOUNDED LIKE YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT PUBIC HAIR DURING YOUR ANNUAL REVIEW!!!!!” But I couldn’t say “Hey, uh, you know I meant I color my hair” because that would make it seem like I was accusing him of thinking of my pubes in my review and so after what seemed like an eternity, we just moved on. After a part of my soul died, of course.

Then a week later I did something even worse. I’m pretty sure I’m on an HR watchlist due to being the most socially inept person in the universe. My husband says I’m not allowed to talk to people at work anymore.

Stephie June 6, 2011 at 1:44 pm

I have nothing intelligent to add…but I just had to thank you, labrat. That was awesome.
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Noa June 7, 2011 at 12:21 am

Now I have to know what you did that was worse because it was fantastic that you accidentally alluded to your pubes. Thank you so much for sharing this.

labrat June 7, 2011 at 10:43 am

Well, we may have been attending the same webinar the following week in which the attendees were acting like it was Sodom and Gomorrah. Farting, belching, sex noises, etc. They are SUPPOSED to mute their phones so as to not distract the other attendees. One lady actually screamed out “HEY GIRLFRIEND, Wha’s UP?” at one point. So afterwards I was IMing my boss since it was my first webinar and I was asking if they were all like that and he said he didn’t stay for the whole thing because he had another meetinng. I quickly IMed back “Well, did you stay around for the hummer?” Then hit enter. And it was gone. Sent. Unretrievable. I had just asked my boss if he stuck around for a blow-job. I quickly typed “I MEANT THE GUY WHO WAS HUMMING. SORRY. I’M AN IDIOT.”

He typed back that emoticon of the face with the shocked look. I avoided him for as long as I could. But I don’t work from home so it’s only a matter of time before I do something stupid again. I’m guessing my HR file is titled “Pubes and Hummers”

Noa June 7, 2011 at 2:37 pm

Oh God. That was just as awesome as I had hoped.

Thank you so much for sharing that.

Dangerboy June 6, 2011 at 1:06 pm

Every now and then when I really want to weird people out on the elevator, I just face the back of the elevator. No need to talk, people just get creeped out when you do that.
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Noa June 7, 2011 at 12:22 am

Genius.

ADD girl June 6, 2011 at 1:10 pm

I am pretty sure we would be best friends.

Not me: tweezing makes hair grow back thicker!
Me: that is an old wives tale.
not me : pause
me: and THIS wife took Biology.

(sound of crickets)
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Noa June 7, 2011 at 12:23 am

Now I want to know who Not You was, because that’s some whoa crazyness there.

Jaime June 6, 2011 at 1:41 pm

other fun things to do in an elevator:

– wear a puppet on your hand and make it talk to the other passengers
– stare, grinning at another passenger and announce, “I’ve got new socks on”
– meow occasionally
– stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall without getting off
– make race car noises when anyone gets on or off

don’t know if those will help your social awkwardness .. in fact they probably won’t .. but you might at least get a laugh.. at least inwardly.

THK June 6, 2011 at 2:29 pm

I would think that facing the wall AND getting off might weird people out more. Fun!

Noa June 7, 2011 at 12:23 am

I LOVE THESE IDEAS.

I cannot wait to try them. I will make a dirty sock puppet. With some googly eyes.

I’M GONNA GLUE CAT HAIR ON IT’S HEAD FOR HAIR.

Kathleen June 7, 2011 at 7:53 pm

HAHAHa, oh god, I love your dirty sock puppet idea. I can so see a chick on an elevator with a gruddy, semi stiff sock on her arm, sweet cat hair toupee bobbing, googly eyes bouncing, as she makes it say fucking random shit to the rest of the riders.

I too, am socially inept. I tend to say whatever runs thru my head with no filter. My people think I’m funny. (Or are they scared I might shiv them so they laugh? Hmmm…) Everyone else thinks I’m nuts. I kinda wander about chortling at the shit I say (to myself).

Noa June 7, 2011 at 9:43 pm

Truly funny people tend to make themselves laugh in horror at the crap they think. It’s a good thing.

Angie June 6, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Me: Touch me. Like my arm or something.
Co-worker: Why?
Me: Just do it. I’m like a hairless cat.
Co-worker: What are you talking about?
Me: I accidentally on purpose used an epilator on my arms and I don’t have anyone else to show. Just touch it.
Co-worker: (one finger touch) Uh, yeah.
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Noa June 7, 2011 at 12:24 am

It wasn’t your b-hole or anything, your coworker had no reason to be all freaked out. Hairless arms are to be shown off.

Andi June 6, 2011 at 2:05 pm

I say these things to my friends. I mean, I don’t talk to strangers — which makes it really fucking weird when they talk to me and I just smile and shrug — but I regularly drop bon mots like this on my nearest and dearest:

ME: Ugh, I feel so fat today. I gained a ton of weight recently and nothing fits.
FRIEND: Well, no matter how much you gain, you could never be as big as me.
ME: But you’re USED TO IT!

I’m also the person who ran into a longtime acquaintance at a funeral and said, “I thought you were dead.” Jeez. I have no idea why anyone still speaks to me.
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Noa June 7, 2011 at 12:29 am

I feel awkward about the fat-ness conversations because I am very fortunate to be a smallish type person but I do gain weight, and even small people can not fit into clothes, and I can’t say, “oh, I’m trying to lose a little weight,” (notice I say little. Couple pounds. I don’t want to drop 30, for fuck’s sake), when someone else will say, “YOU ARE SO SMALL YOU DON’T NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT I’M A WHALE ARE YOU ANOREXIC.”

What the fuck is my response supposed to be here?

“Oh yeah, you’re right, I never noticed I was bone fucking thin before. Thanks!”
“Yeah, you are a whale.”
“I want to be World Health Organization thin.”

I just feel so weird. So I never, ever talk about my weight ever.

I realize I’m fortunate to be smallish, but the fat comments, from any part of the spectrum of size, make everyone feel awkward.

Sorry, that one got away with me.

Andi June 7, 2011 at 1:10 am

You’ve summed up the whole dilemma perfectly. I am now going to practice saying, “I want to be World Health Organization thin,” just in case this situation comes up again.

Cause I know me, and I don’t learn from my mistakes.
Andi recently posted..Sci Fi Sunday — The Girls- Girls- Girls Edition

Noa June 7, 2011 at 2:38 pm

Now you can stare at their shocked faces, which is a gift in and of itself.

Angie June 7, 2011 at 8:04 am

As someone who has damn neared worked herself to exhaustion to lose a sh*tload of weight, I have a tendancy to b*tch a little more when I backslide. So if anyone overheard me talking to my friends about my “fat ass” or anything of the sort they would probably think I’m fishing for compliments. Truth is, I’m a whiner. End of. Imagine what they’d think if my friends ask me for training advice… “Oh look at the completely average girl giving advice on diet and exercise… I hope they don’t have to pay her.”

So go ahead and tell people you’re trying to lose a couple of pounds. F*ck them. It’s no one’s place to judge you.

(Wow I’m a little bitter today)
Angie recently posted..Where I try to be all worldly and French-like

Noa June 7, 2011 at 2:40 pm

Thank you for saying this–not all smallish women are fishing for compliments about how awesome we look because even being smallish, it takes work to keep weight off unless you choose to just eat nothing, which is simply not an option.

I really love the “Fuck ALL Y’ALL,” theme of this comment. It made me smile.

Kaye June 6, 2011 at 2:34 pm

I’ve got nothing, but omg. You just make me want to FIND an elevator and spend hours in it, just so I can use some of these to get a reaction lol.

Noa June 7, 2011 at 12:30 am

Hotels. It’s a good place. You’ll never see those people again.

Grace June 6, 2011 at 4:37 pm

Though I am only slightly more skilled at social situations than you, I am really really horrible when it comes to any conversation that requires sympathy on my part. I generally just don’t know how to react with the proper amount of emotion/supportive vocal timbre. Plus, I generally think things people are bitching about are not that bad and not worthy of my sympathy.

Me: (upon seeing a classmate I hardly know and mildly dislike in a neck-brace) Oh my, Glinda, what happened were you in an accident?

Glinda: (very very reluctant to explain) Um…no, I, I, I have a disease that requires some…um support.

Me: Oh, that sounds shitty. I have a prosthesis. (my inane attempt to relate?)

Glinda: *blinks* confused starts muttering about her pain and doctors and diagnosis and shit

Me: Ok, well I have to go, good luck with your disease!

What the hell? Who says good luck with your disease?

Also socially awkward, informing the cashier at the grocery store that you did not, in fact, find everything ok today…before she has time to ask you.

Noa June 7, 2011 at 12:31 am

Good luck with your disease. That is spectacular, Grace. That’s like, “oh, good luck with your elephantiasis,” or, “Sorry about your dismemberment.”

I have never been more proud of you than when you looked at that cashier, and just straight up told her, “I did not find everything okay today.”

Just, whoa.

J June 6, 2011 at 5:15 pm

Holy crap…Social awkwardness in other people makes me SO happy!!! I say the damndest shit sometimes!

Or the damndest noises…

Even at the funeral last weekend, I had one of those almost ugly cry moments, and instead ended up making that choked back sobbing noise. I got all weirded out so I laughed.

I LAUGHED.

GAH!!
J recently posted..Texting killed a good man

Noa June 7, 2011 at 12:33 am

Watching other people be awkward is glorious, isn’t it?

At my paternal grandfather’s funeral, we were in the tiniest chapel ever, and there was a shitty bagpiper and it was so fucking loud in there that all Grace and I could do was laugh, and then my maternal grandmother punched us in the back of the head.

Thank you for sharing–I love that.

Rico Swaff June 6, 2011 at 5:53 pm

One time this lady farted on an elevator… I knew it was her because we were the only two on the elevator and it wasn’t me. Anyways, the lady asked me if I farted. It pissed me off.
Rico Swaff recently posted..In the Past 2 Weeks I Have Almost Hit 2 Cows With My Car

Noa June 7, 2011 at 12:34 am

She blamed her own fart on you? In a clearly defined fault scenario?

That’s the weirdest thing I have ever heard.

Heather Heartless June 6, 2011 at 6:15 pm

Hospital elevator conversations are the best. I’m usually not participating because, well, holy fuck, y’all, but it’s always nice when people can radiate their own awkward onto innocent bystanders. The best ones are too graphic to post with any detail, but I’ll give you three words.

Tampon. Forgetfulness. Gangrene.

I’ve always wanted to be trapped in a small, slow moving, metal box with someone with gangrene of the vagina. I wonder if Ball Fresh will help their crotch rot.

You could always try the “Chelsea Handler” and mutter things just loudly enough to be heard, but not so loud that they have to admit to themselves that you really just said “I want to lick you where you pee” or “That’s when Mom told me that it was family tradition for Grandpa to give all the kids herpes.”
Heather Heartless recently posted..Sometimes I Dont Like Learning

Noa June 7, 2011 at 12:35 am

HRRRRGGGGHHHHH.

Oh my god.

HRRRRRHGHGHKKKKK.

How do you even fix that? HOW YOU DO FORGET IT FOR SO LONG THAT IT BECOMES GANGRENOUS? How did you not puke on that woman?

Does it smell like rotted fish then?

Heather Heartless June 7, 2011 at 4:31 pm

I think gangrene actually smells of walnuts, so that probably helped a little. The words “neon green” were thrown out there too. I’m not entirely opposed to having my vagina be a huge hit at raves, but I’d also like for it to not fall off…. or out… or whatever happens after that.
Heather Heartless recently posted..Sometimes I Dont Like Learning

Noa June 7, 2011 at 4:36 pm

So, not to be weird, but, how did you learn of the gangrene/walnut connection? That’s legit fascinating. Also, I’m a fucking creep.

Heather Heartless June 7, 2011 at 7:55 pm

It’s actually almonds, but I tend to get my nuts confused.

To be honest, I probably heard it on a movie and then Googled it. I think that the smell is some kind of early warning system that is quickly followed by the smell of something dead, which would be accurate considering. The smell is more indicative of infection in general, but due to a weird love of Jeremiah Johnson-ish kick ass man movies, I’ve always associated it with gangrene.

P.S. If your vagina dies, do you have a funeral for it like Buddy’s arm in Fried Green Tomatoes? I think I’d have to. Others would need to mourn that loss with me.
Heather Heartless recently posted..Dolls Creep Me the Fuck Out- Yall

KatieTheBlogLady June 6, 2011 at 6:42 pm

I just recently got stuck in an elevator with a dude from my building. Instead of getting stuck at a stop though, it just continued to go up to the 10th floor then back down to the basement. Six times. It wouldn’t stop. About the second time it began going back up again, I started to get very hot and claustrophobic. With my anxiety heightening , I began to worry about bodily functions and, you know, their release and shit. It seemed appropriate to discuss our options . . . so, I claimed the right back corner. He thought I was joking until I told him he could hold my sweater up as a curtain of sorts. Gotta plan for the worst and hope for the best people! And the best would have been a weiner. But – no. can. do.
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Noa June 7, 2011 at 12:37 am

That’s a totally legit plan of action, and that guy is an a-hole for not designating his corner and plotting his living situations. These are the people who would not survive the apocalypse.

It’s good to know that you will. It will be a funny, funny time.

thehaughtylibrarian June 6, 2011 at 7:43 pm

This cracks me up because at least you respond! I normally just smile and nod because my brain freezes. Then five hours later I think of what I should have replied.
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Noa June 7, 2011 at 12:37 am

I wish I were wittier, and could dazzle them with my amazing humor. But horror is the most common response I get.

It’s good to shut up sometimes. I do not know how to do that.

Meg June 6, 2011 at 10:53 pm

I’m an awkward over sharer. If there is something stupid to say, I’ll find it. I wasn’t in an elevator, but I met Tyler Florence(FoodNetwork chef) and told him that I watched his show every morning and he says to me,”They changed the time to 3PM”. In my defense, I was living in Japan at the time and the shows schedules were different than in the states…
Meg recently posted..This Is Why Im Crazy

Noa June 7, 2011 at 12:39 am

Wow, Tyler Florence sounds like a huge dick from this story. When you meet a fan, and they say they watch your show every day, your response should not be, “Well, you have the time wrong, bitch.”

I’m honestly impressed you didn’t punch him in the fucking face.

Meg June 7, 2011 at 2:02 am

At the time, I excused it as jet lag. He looked rough and puffy. But it made me feel all tongue tied from that moment on.
Meg recently posted..This Is Why Im Crazy

Noa June 7, 2011 at 2:42 pm

You’re a lot nicer than I would have been. I would have been arrested that day.

Margaret G. June 6, 2011 at 11:37 pm

You’re going to think I’m making this up but I’m not. I read this post this morning and laughed heartily but had nothing to say. Then I hopped on a few planes and ended up in Mexico and as I was leaving the airport and heading into town in one of those private taxi service vans, we passed one of the private hospitals and I almost said to the driver and his assistant: “Whenever I pass this hospital or any of the private hospitals here, it reminds me of the time I was looking for my boyfriend at the time, because he was supposedly laid up in one of them with cancer but I never found him, because it turned out he was lying about the cancer.” And then I was like, “You can’t say that. What are these guys going to do with that?” And then I was like, “This is what Noa was talking about!” So I had to come on here and tell you about it, sans the usual full name. It’s a small world. The ex is a creep. Obviously.

Noa June 7, 2011 at 12:40 am

It’s amazing the kinds of things that go through your head when you’re trying to make conversation–because you think that everyone will just go along with it, and typically only realize later that it was a terrible idea.

I am proud of you for not saying it though, and having your wits about you enough to say, “Whoa. Danger here–don’t say that.” Good call!

elizabeth- flourish in progress June 7, 2011 at 4:26 pm

Dude, the elevator is the perfect place to get out your awkwardness. I practice all my stupid lines on strangers in the elevators just to see if it gets a chuckle. If yes, I use it on the real people in my life. If no, I just start checking my email.

God, living in your building must be awesome for your neighbors. =)
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Noa June 7, 2011 at 4:37 pm

We moved in and these people gained a new building weirdo. Lucky Bastards.

Monique June 8, 2011 at 1:14 pm

Not elevator conversation but ‘conversation’ none the less.

While at the ENT’s the other day (Ear, nose and Throat) he compliments me on being able to see so well down my throat after peering down my throat with a mirror stuck in the back of said throat and my response was . . . ‘Thanks, I lack a gag reflex’.

I think I made his day or at least his night.

Noa June 9, 2012 at 11:53 am

Lucky whore.

erin June 8, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Ok, I would so love to talk awkwardly with you. I am the master of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. I call it having a hole in my thought bubble. Examples:

Friend of a friend, at a funeral: What do you do for work?
Me: I’m a case manager for homeless families
Her: Oohhhhhhh, that must be so rewarding.
Me: Not really. By now I hate the homeless.

Friend of a friend, at a bar: So my wife does work for this special group for women.
Me (thinking WTF? What is a special group for women?): Oh, sure. The Speculum Society. I’ve heard of them but they can be a little cold.
Him: blank stare
Me: backing away with my beer

toni in florida June 9, 2011 at 5:00 am

Oh, Erin, I think I love you! (That declaration may be yet another example of socially awkward comments to absolute strangers, but your “they can be a little cold” made my morning!)
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Rachael June 9, 2011 at 11:55 pm

Once I was visiting a strange city and one of my friends told me that you should wear an engagement ring when you visit strange cities because then people might be worried if you say your fiance is picking you up in a few minutes or whatever and you’ve already called him to nag him about where he is so they’re less likely to kidnap you and actually looking back a few years later I kind of doubt that would make any difference. But ANYWAY. I was in an elevator with my (now ex) boyfriend, wearing this fake engagement ring, when some old lady looks at my hand and says “Oh, someone’s engaged!” and suddenly it was awkward because, well actually, no, we weren’t, but I didn’t want to SAY that, so I just sort of smiled politely and ignored her. So she repeats herself. “Oh, SOMEONE’S engaged!” and I ignore her again. And then. “OH, SOMEONE’S ENGAGED!” and at this point I am finally forced to pretend to be a happy engaged person just to make getting groceries less awkward. I didn’t even know how to pretend to be a happily engaged person. I was just all, “Yes! I have a ring on my finger! Hah! Would you look at that! Marriage, CRAZY.”
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Noa June 10, 2011 at 10:36 am

“Whaaaaaaaa? Look at that ol’ ring there. Just sittin’ right there. On my finger. Sayin’ I’m engaged. Huh.” The awkwardness of this encounter you had is just top-notch.

RADventures June 26, 2011 at 5:51 pm

“Other Person: “I like your bag. I have one!”
Noa: “Nice! Did you get it in Hawaii?”
Other Person: “Yep, in Waikiki!”
Noa: “Great. We’re in an exclusive club called anybody.”
Other Person: Silence. For 30 floors.

You really have no idea what general social appropriateness is, do you? Why don’t you just punch them in the tit and be done with it?”

I honestly don’t know which part I like better here. You have the inadvertently awkward exchange because, like me, you lack on the “social filter” gene. Immediately following, you’re trapped in a claustrophobic hell for thirty floors.

Awesome.

Then, as the second half of the 1-2 punch, you ask yourself, ” Why don’t you just punch them in the tit and be done with it?” Honestly, that is genius in all kind of ways. Excellent.
RADventures recently posted..Drinking beer. Father of the year. Not mutually exclusive.

Noa June 27, 2011 at 12:03 am

I like your breakdown of my comedy. I imagine you saying these things in a director’s chair on my True Hollywood Story. It only endears you more to me, and strokes my giant ego.

blondie August 11, 2011 at 10:31 am

Love your website Oh Noa.

If you really want to stop having coerced elevator conversations with almost-strangers, you need to plan just a little bit ahead, but not too much ahead, or you wouldn’t want to go through with it. Some things to try …

When you get on the elevator, walk in a hurried, off-gaited half-crouch, groaning and clutching your stomach. In between moans and groans, whine, “I really have to go to the bathroom. I hope I make it to my floor.” Repeat as needed. The more floors you have to go, the more suspenseful for your elevator companion.

As you walk onto the elevator, hum loudly. You could also be whistling. I can’t really whistle; so it rarely occurs to me. If the other person opens his/her mouth to talk, break into song. Depending on your taste and how many floors you have to go, you could sing: Commercial jingles (over and over), Broadway or Ethel Merman, Don’t Fear the Reaper, or in a pretend foreign language.

Noa August 11, 2011 at 1:08 pm

I can’t whistle. I just sound like an imitation of a tornado.

Bill G. December 8, 2011 at 6:40 pm

Yes, I am the master of thinking up something really good to say…5 minutes after they’re already walking away thinking I’m a total dorkus.

Noa December 8, 2011 at 6:53 pm

At least you leave them with an awkward, beige-y taste in their mouths.

Andrea June 8, 2012 at 2:36 am

Shopping carts all spontaneously melt into slag:
1) steal Big Dog from DARPA
+ no one else would have one. Cue smug smirk. You could even stick an Apple sticker on the side and piss off hipsters since you’d have fruit-adorned tech they didn’t. And you’d have a robotic sidekick. Is it a sidekick if it doesn’t talk back?
– looking at the thing, it’s the stuff of nightmares. Terminator-themed bogeymen.
– They’d send a creepy, nerdy version of Seal Team Six after you and probably get smacked with some sort of domestic terrorism charges.
– It likely still has power issues. So you’d be tethered to an outlet or speed-shopping to stay within battery limits.

2) turn your German shepherd or neighborhood sled dog into a carrier
+ service dog privileges. For those who lack muscle mass.
+ douche protection
– big dogs take big shits. And eat a lot.
– 99.999% of people aren’t dog trainers. Jumping, running, rearing, tomfoolery, and other doggy behaviors means cart disaster.

3) Do kidwagons count as carts? Or are wheels not allowed?
4) air drop
5) catapult

Oh my FUCKING god Syfy. Jersey Shore Shark Attack commercial. Headdesk.
Andrea recently posted..Shitballs

Noa June 9, 2012 at 11:57 am

I just decided I’d move instead. Lower floor, new building, fewer persons to horrify.

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