If I had one wish, it would be for social skills.
Other Person: “Man, what would we do without these carts for groceries?”
Noa: “Oh, I know right?”
Other Person: “I don’t know what I’d do.”
Noa: “Yeah, you’d have to get a slave or something.”
What? A slave? Are you a racist now?
Other Person: “Well, we meet again.”
Noa: “Yeah! You’re following me aren’t you.”
Other Person: “Haha, yes. Are you going up for food later?”
Noa: “Yeah, actually.”
Other Person: “Then I’ll see you again there!”
Noa: “Oh man, it’s just going to be a day full of…full of that. Yeah. A day full of that.”
Jesus Christ, Noa. A day full of that? What the hell is wrong with you?
Other Person: “Man, I hate taking the freight elevator.”
Noa: “It’s just terrible.”
Other Person: “It’s just so slow to open the doors. It makes you think you’re going to be trapped.”
Noa: “And then you have to think about who you would eat first if you were trapped.”
Oh my God. Why does anyone let me leave my home?
Other Person: “I like your bag. I have one!”
Noa: “Nice! Did you get it in Hawaii?”
Other Person: “Yep, in Waikiki!”
Noa: “Great. We’re in an exclusive club called anybody.”
Other Person: Silence. For 30 floors.
You really have no idea what general social appropriateness is, do you? Why don’t you just punch them in the tit and be done with it?
Other Person: “Sure is hot out today.”
Noa: “Yeah. I’m worried that the bums might start dying.”
Just a ray of goddamn sunshine, aren’t we?
Other Person: “There’s going to be an omelette bar on the roof tomorrow!”
Noa: “Yeah, I saw the signs for it.”
Other Person: “Are you going to go?”
Noa: “I don’t think so. I’m not great at social interaction.”
Other Person: “Well, I’m the one making all the omelettes.”
Noa: “Do they help with the social interaction issue?”
You couldn’t be more of an asshat.
Fuck it, Noa. You just need to start making a game of this. Try to start the weirdest conversation before you have the chance to fuck up a normal one.
“Noticed your bulge is looking spectacular these days.”
“How’s your mom’s mudflaps?”
“Have you heard the good news from Tom Cruise?”
“So, have you heard about the new Chinese masturbatory aid? It’s a severed head.”
“Sure is hot out. How do you combat ballsweat? Is there a nutsack deodorant available?”
“You know the cameras can see you pee.”
“Can you recommend a cremation method?”
“Have you ever noticed how HD really makes the herp stand out on porn stars?”
“I love this building. Does your apartment smell like tuna when you do laundry, too?”
What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever seen in an elevator? What other conversation starters should I know?