This Is Like Being Punched In The Cervix By A Clown.

05/23/2011 · 71 comments

in I'm A Terrible Person, Psychological Warfare, Sadist Vagina, Social Services

I think only Bob Ross can best convey my feelings about what I am about to show you. (Which includes clowns, as a warning. I’m almost constantly berating him, though.)

Bob Ross Hit A Rough Patch.

Friday was an immensely shitty day for me. You won’t care why, so I won’t bore you with it, but in the search for some Bob Ross Good Times, I found this.

Ladies and Gents, meet Buffo. The New Bane of My Existence. Sorry, Kim Jong-Il.

So. Much. Rage.

Go ahead, click on that picture if you want. Enjoy the music. I know I did. It’s haunting me now, providing the soundtrack to dreams of my friends abandoning Asian children at The Gap and having to hire Chuck Norris to chase them down a mountain. (Off topic but a dream I had last night.)

Want to meet Buffo? Learn a little more? Well, he balances children on his face.

There’s no part of this description that didn’t sound like a BDSM show at an underground club. The man brings his own stage of horrors right to your front door, and then he’s going to juggle meat cleavers around your Aunt June, and then he’ll escape from the handcuffs, and then if you’ve been good he’ll beat you. Then he brings the dog into the mix, and it hits a whole new level of Jesus-Christ-Rollerblading-with-Randy-Savage.

I have to admit though, this motherfucker is talented.

I couldn’t even fit his whole list of accomplishments in this one screen shot. He’s that good.

Walks on broken glass? BET YOUR MOM CAN’T.

Balances child in chair on his FACE? NANA DOESN’T HAVE DICK ON BUFFO.

Bowling Ball Juggling? YOU CAN’T EVEN JUGGLE YOUR OWN BALLS.

(I just realized right now that I may pull some search traffic for Buffo, and for that, I am deeply apologetic to the Schools for the Deaf and other sorts of people genuinely seeking his services.)

Buffo has a variety of shows for you to choose from, for a variety of different occasions, including an, “Adult Party.”

But not one part of me would want to see the optional surprise ending at said Adult Party, because the words, “Adult Party with Clown Surprise,” brings to mind horrible dildo juggling acts and disappearing labias. You know what? I’d really fucking like to see that, actually.

Buffo is also a more sparkly version of McGruff the Crime Dog.

You bet your ass Buffo Salutes ‘Merica, because only in ‘Merica can a frighteningly large clown describe himself as a gentle giant and work for the White House. And, if you just can’t leave without a piece of the hot Buffo action, he has a STORE.

For $20, I’ll bust up a CD and sign it with my nipple dipped in Carmex. For $20, I’ll throw a knife at your Aunt June on the back of my Jeep. For $20, I’ll hang sparklers off my eyelashes and dance the Samba for you while juggling rubber vaginas.

Who the fuck am I kidding? I’ll never beat this guy.

This Is Horror.

Have you ever been subjected to a terrible motivational speaker? I was hypnotized once for equality. Tell me about your horror.

Favorite Comment from the Last Post:
From BSchooled Herself: “I think I love you. And not just because you pimped my blog. 

I keep telling Elizabeth that she and I are sisters, separated at birth. She says my Caucasianness/Canadianness renders this belief not likely. Still, she’s agreed to become a sister wife, if I ever find a man old/rich/dying enough to take us on.

You are the other sister wife we need to make our reality show complete.”

Jessica May 23, 2011 at 5:26 am

WOW.

THAT guy can beat Osama Bin Laden in a creepy/talented/genius/really creepy contest.

Awesome post, by the way.

I would like, write more about how great your post is, but…I can’t stop staring at his biceps.

Damn those lady bits.
Jessica recently posted..Smart kids are assets parents want more than porn and teakwood cabinets hand made by Persian virgins Oh- and heres a Vlog

Noa May 23, 2011 at 4:22 pm

At some point, even if you squint really hard, you can’t get over the fact that the clown has some rockin’ muscles. It is what it is. Glad you liked it!

hoodyhoo May 23, 2011 at 7:03 am

that guy is a sex crime waiting to happen. Elliott Stabler should just sit outside Buffo’s house all day — somebody got raped? Buffo did it. Tiny children sold as sex slaves? Buffo. Ukranian girls force-fed Spam while wearing negligees made entirely out of paper clips. TOTALLY Buffo.
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Noa May 23, 2011 at 4:23 pm

That last bit about the Ukrainians doesn’t even sound made up by SVU standards. I think that was an episode once. God, that’s a scary thought. But, yeah, Buffo’s a fucking creep.

Vinobaby May 23, 2011 at 7:41 am

Holy Crap that guy is freaky. All I can picture right now is clown porn. He is more twisted than the clown in Steven King’s It and just the thought of that clown had me fleeing the circus when one of those overly friendly f*&^$ got in my face. And he used to be a major league baseball player? Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Better than a child falling…right on his face.

He had better bring the damn sparklers.

Cheers.
VB
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Noa May 23, 2011 at 4:24 pm

Right? What good is child-balancing and a weird ‘roid fetish without the sparklers?

Shane May 23, 2011 at 7:56 am

You have to tell us about your Friday. You can’t mention it and then withhold like that.

I am afraid of clowns. It’s one of the things that defines me.

Noa May 23, 2011 at 4:25 pm

It’s just a sad Friday. There was absolutely not one funny thing that happened that day. Well, no, I did imitate an eagle in front of around 100 people. So–that gives you a small idea. Sorry I horrified you with a clown that could kick your ass.

Shane May 24, 2011 at 7:04 am

Well, I didn’t have nightmares or anything. I’ve more or less gotten over that time I went to the circus with my family and a clown killed my dad.

I have a friend who has never heard of Bob Ross. The friend was quite the stoner in college, so I was surprised. It’s like never having heard of Star Wars or something. Then again, like being born blind, it’s not something he missed. He was irritated that I would care about his handicap.

Noa May 24, 2011 at 3:39 pm

You know, with anyone else, I’d think they were joking about a clown killing their father, but I never know with you. How could you not know Bob Ross? BOB ROSS IS A GODDAMN PBS ICON.

Abby May 23, 2011 at 8:20 am

The word “cervix” and “clown” should not be used in the same sentence. In fact, “clown” and any representation thereof should be banned from existence after this horrific display of demotivational efforts. Good lord.

Noa May 23, 2011 at 4:25 pm

Oh come now, Abby. Wouldn’t you rather be punched in the cervix by a clown that have to sit though a, “NOPE TO DOPE,” presentation?

Abby May 23, 2011 at 7:39 pm

Actually yes, you’re right.
In fact, I would probably have to say “YUP TO DOPE” in order to actually sit through a “NOPE TO DOPE” presentation by that twatwaffle.

Noa May 24, 2011 at 3:43 pm

PS- Welcome back. I have missed you. Wouldn’t you want to do drugs with this guy? I mean, what a fucking trip that would be.

Handflapper May 23, 2011 at 8:34 am

Well. Uh. Um. I. . . Uh. . . Oh, my. Oh, dear. Oh, no. No, no, no, no no no nononononononoNONONONONONONONO. . .
That is all.

Noa May 23, 2011 at 4:26 pm

Makes you long for the innocence of the time when clowns were just John Wayne Gacy.

Margaret Goerig May 23, 2011 at 8:40 am

I have never been afraid of clowns till now. And how’d you get from Bob Ross to Buffo anyhow?
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Noa May 23, 2011 at 4:26 pm

It’s some weird tracks my mind takes. Also, I’ve been holding on to Bob Ross for a while now and I thought this would be a good opportunity.

Margaret Goerig May 24, 2011 at 4:29 pm

Yup. I’m starting to see the connection, actually, though I cannot explain why. Poor Bob. Hope he found the light and the good times, though not with Buffo. I think that would backfire.
Margaret Goerig recently posted..If I said I had no preconceived notions- I’d be lying

Noa May 25, 2011 at 1:24 am

Poor Bob, all he ever really wanted were some happy trees.

Raquel May 23, 2011 at 8:54 am

I think Buffo is a secret wuss. In the picture of him laying on a bed of nails, he is wearing crocs. How could someone who wears the same shoes as my 2 years old claim to be that awesome?? Just sayin’

Noa May 23, 2011 at 4:27 pm

I DIDN’T EVEN SEE THE CROCS. Good lord, how can you call yourself a self-respecting entertainer who has a panache for balancing children when you wear crocs? Or, you know, feel human. I’m just saying. I hate crocs.

Kelly May 23, 2011 at 9:26 am

Two words: FUCK.THAT.SHIT. I think I’m now sterile just from looking at that monstrosity. So help me God, people like that douchenozzle are what scared me into almost not having children. How does his mom introduce him to her bridge club friends? “Gals, I’d like you to meet my son: SUPER (super) STEROID (steroid) CLOWN (clown)!!! Yes, I was unable to have children, so through the miracle of IVF, I was able to spawn a cross between Arnold Schwartzenegger and It! The most perfect child EVAH!” Can you imagine being this guy’s partner or kids? (and yes, those were echoes up there.)

This man is one of the reasons mental health services exist and will never go out of business. His tag line should be “Tearing apart phone books and small children’s psyches since 1999″.
Kelly recently posted..In the event that I evaporate tomorrow and you dont

Noa May 23, 2011 at 4:28 pm

Right? “Happy Birthday Billy! This horror clown is going to juggle some knives n’shit and tear up phonebooks and balance you on his face and then we’ll have cake. YOU’LL FUCKING ENJOY IT.” Ugh.

eejaye May 23, 2011 at 9:51 am

I was in high school and that cheesy drama group came to talk to us about drugs, or unprotected sex, or dog farts… I don’t really remember why they were there because once Van Halen’s “Right Now” started I zoned out. I don’t do motivation well. Or was that information? Hell, I don’t know. Don’t make me sit through the story of your fucked up life so mine could be better. My life WAS better before you started talking, dude who looks and acts like your 15, but really you’re 42.

Whew, you said motivational speakers and I went to a different plane. Thanks.

P.S. Buffo, scares the shit out of me.

Noa May 23, 2011 at 4:29 pm

Yeah, motivational speakers are usually the largest twatwaffles of them all, trying to make you feel all good when they should really just hand you a knife and say, “start stabbing, you’ll feel better.” That would motivate me.

Norway June 7, 2011 at 6:51 pm

Are you stabbing yourself or the speaker? Actually, either would be better than listening to that.

Noa June 8, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Wholeheartedly agreed.

Miss Yvonne May 23, 2011 at 10:32 am

Buffo can juggle my labia any day.

Okay, not really. I’m just trying to win comment of the day. Did it work? Do I need to talk more about clowns and my lady parts if need be.
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Noa May 23, 2011 at 4:30 pm

I’m not going to lie, I loved this one. You can talk about Labias and Buffo all you want.

Tova May 23, 2011 at 10:50 am

All I want is to know how much money this guy makes in a year.
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Noa May 23, 2011 at 4:31 pm

I’m ballparking 1 mil.

dufmanno May 23, 2011 at 11:29 am

Can you make me one of those “things I can do that an ordinary clown can’t do” lists in blue and white?
Mine can have splitting wood with axe.
Beautiful over the shoulder swing.
Mammoth taming
Ability to change the behavior of small rodents with Mattel’s “MINDFLEX”
Gosh, just to many to name.
Also imagine the possibilites that open up once you change his name to BOFFO.
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Noa May 23, 2011 at 4:32 pm

Things Noa can do that an ordinary clown can’t do:
Fuck. Nothing. I’m really untalented. See what you made me do there? Taunting me with your superiority?

Jaclyn May 23, 2011 at 2:01 pm

I think this is what Santa gives naughty children for Christmas. A visit from Boffo. It’s way more terrifying than coal.
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Noa May 23, 2011 at 4:33 pm

Can you imagine? MERRY CHRISTMAS, MOTHERFUCKERS. What a delicious punishment.

KatieTheBlogLady May 23, 2011 at 2:28 pm

I wonder if Buffo reenacts the affects of amphetamines and steroids by balancing a child on a chair on his face while unicycling on a bed of nails while lip smackin his ventriloquisms during his “Say No to Dope” show? If so . . . ticket please!

Noa May 23, 2011 at 4:33 pm

Yeah, I agree–at some point, you’re going to want to see that shitshow go down in the front row. How could you say no to this?

Heather Heartless May 23, 2011 at 4:22 pm

I know that this is completely avoiding the entire point of this post, but I have to say that as much as I love Bob Ross, I kind of think he had violent rage issues. Like maybe he mixed his own paints with the blood of his victims and had nice Banker Bone brush handles. He was so peaceful and relaxing to me as a child, no he’s simultaneously hilarious and creepy, yet wonderful with his happy little trees and gaping hole bushes (which one generally only associates with landscapes painted in prison).

As to Buffo, he’ll totally steal your paper boat and then lure you into his sewer den by bribing you with balloons through a storm drain… that he ripped in half and autographed.
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Rachael May 23, 2011 at 8:02 pm

Oh god. An adult clown party? With surprise endings? Are those like happy endings, but more…clown-like…and unexpected…and…okay, so I ran out of my anxiety meds and can’t handle this right now. I’ll make a note to come back when I get my refill and be simply horrified instead of nearly having panic attacks at the idea. Especially if it involves my cervix. Okay. Yeah. Going now.
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Noa May 24, 2011 at 3:43 pm

I got you something awesome for your birthday! We’ll just say it’s…adulty…and surprisey…

Rachael May 24, 2011 at 7:16 pm

I am cancelling my birthday. Effective immediately.
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Noa May 25, 2011 at 1:22 am

Oh COME ON. You know it’s gonna be great.

CassieLynn May 23, 2011 at 8:53 pm

I’m suddenly so glad that I am in a horrifying sexual dry spell, because the pictures of that oiled up, steroid-ridden clown would have made me lose my wood for DAYS.
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Noa May 24, 2011 at 3:42 pm

Now you know where to go next time you’re blueballed!

Andi May 24, 2011 at 8:44 am

I can’t decide if the fact that all of his shows can be done in sign language makes this infinitely worse or only slightly worse. Deaf people tend to be really difficult to shock (going by some of my friends here) but some of them still have coulrophobia. How have we gotten this far as a society without respect for those who are traumatized by clowns?

Also, now that I know he does an adult show, I kinda want to hire him for a bachelorette party. For someone I don’t like. Who is smaller than me so she can’t beat me up. I should probably talk to my therapist about these feelings.
Andi recently posted..Sci-Fi Sunday

Noa May 24, 2011 at 3:39 pm

I would really like to get this man drunk at said Bachelorette Party. I think it would be awesome.

emmysuh May 24, 2011 at 9:24 am

I feel like no Super Muscles Clown who specializes in child entertainment and TEARING THINGS APART can have an Adult Show with Clown Surprise that doesn’t leave me mentally and probably also physically scared for life.

Noa May 24, 2011 at 3:38 pm

In this feeling, you are almost certainly correct.

elizabeth- flourish in progress May 24, 2011 at 10:24 am

If I want to get all three of your special services, can I have a price break of $50 instead of $60. Also, I don’t have an Aunt June. Could we do it instead to my Uncle James?
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Noa May 24, 2011 at 3:38 pm

Yes and yes. I’m free Thursday.

bschooled May 24, 2011 at 12:39 pm

Okay. So first, YAY! I love winning stuff!

Second, WTF?? This fascinates me/creeps me out more than the blog I found called “Adult Braces and Home Renovations.” (Typical story, really. It’s about a lady who has to deal with home renovations while wearing adult braces.)

Children sitting in chairs on his face????

This is exactly why I don’t have kids. Also, I don’t want to compromise my extremely resilient womb.

ps. I love your dreams already.
bschooled recently posted..The Old Man And The Sea

Noa May 24, 2011 at 3:37 pm

PS: You’re fucking rad as hell.

And…how is it tougher to deal with home renovations while wearing braces? Is she getting her drywall caught in her braces? Cause if that’s the case, she needs to call a contractor.

Andi May 24, 2011 at 8:26 pm

I actually read that as physical braces, like on your legs and stuff, and I figured, “Yeah, that would get in the way of do-it-yourselfing.” But adult braces — like on your teeth? I am so lost here. Is there a lot of drilling through concrete and she feels it in the braces? What exactly do these two things have to do with one another?
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bschooled May 24, 2011 at 8:29 pm

Yeah, adult braces! I know, right? It makes absolutely no sense.

It goes without saying that the blog is boring as hell. Which is probably why I’m so fascinated.
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Noa May 25, 2011 at 1:22 am

That’s like, “Bible camp and period stains,” or “Prom Dress Shopping and a slight headache,” or even, “adopting a cat while a little hungry.”

Madfishmonger May 24, 2011 at 3:10 pm

Having worked with kids, I was sent to a number of workshops. Some were merely boring, some were extremely boring, some were questionably legit and a rare few were interesting and helpful. I went to a “culture and diversity” workshop run by “Kathy and Kathy” where they gave us markers, colouring pages, plasticine and little toys because “adults learn better when their hands are busy”. I learned that about myself a long time ago, and I might have learned something else in that class other than Kathy was married to a Jamaican man, which made her understand culture and diversity, and I really like colouring intricate line patterns when I am unfathomably bored.
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Noa May 24, 2011 at 3:36 pm

There’s nothing that makes me more angry than motivational speakers trying to make me, “find my inner child again,” like that. I’m assuming Kathy and Kathy were both very, very white? Because it couldn’t be culture and diversity without that.

Jen May 24, 2011 at 7:11 pm

http://www.buffo.com/pics/pic21.htm

This little girl is crying on the inside. Unlike me, who is having a rainman in the airport~esc reaction to Buffo. Make the badman stop
With that being said, I’ll go in on the phone book with ya, we can share joint custody, oooh or maybe he’ll rip it into fourths for us

Noa May 25, 2011 at 1:23 am

I totally looked like that little girl at one point in my life, but instead of being horrified by a clown, I was just ugly. Also, I’m in on the phonebook. Done.

Rico Swaff May 24, 2011 at 10:05 pm

Jeez, and I thought Dink and Doink were bad. Obviously WWF wrestling was not ready for this dude and still isn’t….and I am glad because I don’t think I am either….and I actually look like a steroid freak when I lift weights consistently.
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Noa May 25, 2011 at 1:20 am

Wouldn’t you want to go to the gym with this guy? I mean, really–what a fucking story right? So, wait, for a cheaper price could I just pay you to come to my house in facepaint and throw some knives around?

Susie May 24, 2011 at 10:27 pm

I saw Buffo in person. Not on purpose, cause I fucking HATE clowns…even more than mimes. I was at a festival, looking at crappy homemade ‘crafts’ and stuffing my face with deep-fried Oreos (don’t judge me -they are hot awesomeness). Turned a corner and there he was on stage… juggling machetes. My brain couldn’t process what my eyes were seeing. I couldn’t look away. I am scarred. A fucking machete-juggling clown….

Noa May 25, 2011 at 1:19 am

I’m really glad to hear from someone who has actually seen Buffo and affirms that it is a shitshow.

The Onion May 25, 2011 at 11:11 pm

Oh. my. Gawd.

Special Agent is so terrified of clowns that I sort of want to hire Buffo for his next birthday for my own sheer enjoyment.

I think Buffo is, as my Granny would say, a “sex pervert”. Yep.
http://www.alotoflayers.blogspot,com

Noa May 26, 2011 at 2:56 pm

I think the reality that Buffo is the most horrifying person around right now is a given.

RebeccaLK May 27, 2011 at 7:23 pm

My hubby and I enjoyed this post. This secures my fear in clowns and love for Bob Ross…lol. Thanks…your blog rocks!
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Noa May 30, 2011 at 12:22 am

I’m glad you liked it so! I am eternally grateful Bob Ross never painted clowns. Because that would have ruined all my dreams and hopes.

the letter m July 27, 2011 at 7:59 pm

Thank you.

Not only do I now hate clowns more than mimes (although a weightlifter mime who has kids ‘on chairs’ sitting on his face might tip the scales the other way again), but I finally know who the white-fro artist guy in the Boondocks episode ‘Riley Wuz Here’ is (PBS doesn’t make it to Australia, but the interwebs gave me Boondocks).

Noa July 28, 2011 at 6:07 pm

You never knew about Bob Ross? You have missed the most excellent cultural phenomenon.

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