Spiderman Lessens The Blow Of The Awful Things I’m About To Say

05/09/2011 · 35 comments

in Grace, How Did My Life Come To This, I'm A Terrible Person, Sadist Vagina

This weekend, I met Grace’s friend Julie for the very first time. We went shopping.

This is what happened. I only wish I were, in any way, embellishing the events I’m about to lay out for you. Spiderman and his colorful commentary lends a hand today to make me feel not so much like a huge asshole, because in my head, Spiderman is a bigger dick than me.

1. DEALS, MOTHERFUCKERS

Overwhelmed by the sheer number and quality of the sales this weekend, the three of us found ourselves shouting, “DEALS, MOTHERFUCKER,” at every turn.

“It’s $10 off today!”
“DEALS, MOTHERFUCKER.”
“6 for $20!”
“DEALS, MOTHERFUCKER.”
“Buy 1 get 63 free!”
“DEALS, MOTHERFUCKER.”
“If you can funky chicken for 60 seconds, you can have whatever you can carry!”
“DEALS, MOTHERFUCKER.”

Accurate.

2. The Inception of Muff-Con

Grace: “There needs to be different grades of Muffin-Top. Like, that woman’s is a Grade 4.”
Me: “Like the Weather Channel’s Tor-Con system? Muff-Con 5?”
Grace: “I can’t take you anywhere.”

I am compact--you really CAN take me anywhere.

3.  Fishlips VS Cameltoe

Julie: “How does a female to male sex change work?”
Grace: “It’s my understanding that there is some labia stretching that occurs.”
Me: “Do you call that fishlips? Is that the opposite of cameltoe?”
Julie: “Fishlips can be cameltoe, but cameltoe is not always fishlips.”
Grace: “More importantly, if you worked up enough speed or had a stiff breeze, could you get ‘em clapping?”

Because your fishlips clap too loudly.

4. Fisting

Julie: “The physics of fisting are simply baffling to me. I mean, I would like one person who’s into fisting to accurately describe in what way that’s even kind of pleasurable.”

Several minutes pass.

Me: (staring at my hand) “You know, it’s not your fingers that would be the problem–those fold up. But your knuckles–that’s the real problem.”
Julie: “I’m…not sure what your hand represents here. Is your hand a dick? Or a vagina?”
Me: (Now terrified that I have not heard her correctly, and then have brought up fisting in a formerly innocuous conversation.) “My hand represents a hand.”

With hauntingly terrible imagery.

5. Stranger Danger

Me: “Julie, look at this dress. It’s fucked up right?”
Julie: “Yeah. You look like you’re knocked up.”
Me: “That’s what I thought.”
A GODDAMN STRANGER: “You don’t have it all tied up right. Come over here.”
Julie: Fucking disappears.
A GODDAMN STRANGER: “I said come over here. I’ll tie it up for you.”
Me: “Um, okay.” (I prepare to be brutally murdered)
A GODDAMN STRANGER: “See, that’s so much better.”
Me: “I…um. Grace? What do you think?”
Grace: “You look like someone roped a circus tent around you.”
A GODDAMN STRANGER: “I think it looks nice.”

No means No, Ho.

6. My Cornea!

Grace: “This dress is stuck. Help me.”
Me: (Yanks the dress down)
Grace: “THE TAG IS CAUGHT ON MY EYEBALL. GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF.”

You asked for help, not safety.

Let me just remind you, that this was the first time I ever met Julie, and Julie, I sincerely apologize for all the terrible things I said. I cannot be taken anywhere.

When was the last time someone said to you, “I can’t take you anywhere?”

Shane May 9, 2011 at 1:26 am

Spider man, spider man, does whatever a spider can.

Never understood the fisting thing myself, either. I think it’s a gradual evolution, a moving-up-stretching process. First cucumber, then fist, then pumpkin.

Noa May 9, 2011 at 4:53 pm

There’s your answer about how to fuck a pumpkin.

hoodyhoo May 9, 2011 at 7:11 am

dude, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard “I can’t take you anywhere,” “This is why we can’t have nice things,” or any combination of those — I could totally BUY Spiderman and send him to your house to follow you around and act as your Royal Herald. With a big-ass horn and everything.
And I’m with you on the fisting thing — but I’m also the kind of girl who stands around dumbfounded in the “adult” stores wondering what people do with some of that stuff. So probably I shouldn’t be consulted for freaky sex advice.
hoodyhoo recently posted..Oh- Dear

Noa May 9, 2011 at 4:55 pm

Every comment brings a delightful visual scenario. Today’s is: You and Me standing in Condom Sense with Spiderman bugling all around wearing a strap-on on his head.

Lianne Marie Binks May 9, 2011 at 7:13 am

It happens on an almost daily basis. I have no shame threshold whatsoever. I think my personal favourite was when I roped my brother into playing a game of “penis” when we were shopping with my Nana recently. That’s not as sinister and “Flowers in the Attic” as it sounds – it basically involves me saying penis, the other person saying it a little louder and so on and so forth until you’re both essentially running around screaming penis. It’s hilarious. Zooey Deschanel played it in 500 Days of Summer (she totally stole the idea from me, obviously).
Lianne Marie Binks recently posted..When the rain slows

Noa May 9, 2011 at 4:55 pm

I MUST KNOW YOUR BROTHER.

elizabeth- flourish in progress May 9, 2011 at 3:14 pm

*Sigh* When’s the last night someone HASN’T told me they can’t take me anywhere.

Also, how come you can’t be all classy and well-behaved like this when we hang out? Why do you have to be on your best behavior for Miss Jules? I bet she went back home and told everyone what a lady you were.
elizabeth- flourish in progress recently posted..Monday Dare- this is why we cant have nice things

Noa May 9, 2011 at 4:56 pm

I’m sorry, next time we hang out I’ll call you a dirty whore on the street corner instead of just shouting hooker. That’s why I can’t have nice things.

Kelly May 9, 2011 at 5:51 pm

The last time someone told me they couldn’t take me anywhere was last weekend. My family came to visit, and my brother and I were having sword fights with the ridiculously huge cucumbers, you know the ones that are shrink-wrapped? We started discussing “sword fights” and cucumber condoms, and I think my mom asked a butcher for a knife.
Kelly recently posted..Walt Disney should pay for my meds

Noa May 9, 2011 at 7:34 pm

That sounds like a delightful way to spend the evening, and a more interesting way to explain bruises than, “I smacked my leg on a barstool.”

Andi May 9, 2011 at 8:45 pm

I’m usually the person telling someone I can’t take them anywhere. I fulfill that role for several friend groups. I’m also the person who talks people out of brown jersey gauchos and frog-marches the drunk girl to the car before she french kisses the bouncer. YOU’RE WELCOME.

I was similarly perplexed by fisting until I found out a few months ago that fists are not necessarily involved. Entire hands, but not fists. In most cases. Anyway, your conversation reminds me of when I was in high school and went to my first sex shop with my then-boyfriend. He was disturbed by the free standing floor dildo (phallic shaped but approximately fist sized). In an attempt to be reassuring, I told him it was probably a conversation piece. Note: I am not good at reassuring. Also I am a bad liar.
Andi recently posted..Muslin Monday — the Denim Diaries

Noa May 10, 2011 at 3:00 pm

And I have just imagined you sitting in your home, with your lovely coffee table, coffee table book, and conversation dildo.

Andi May 10, 2011 at 6:05 pm

EVERYBODY needs a conversation dildo.
Andi recently posted..Muslin Monday — the Denim Diaries

Shane May 10, 2011 at 1:21 am

Oh, to be in the same time zone as you bitches. I would probably never spend any quality time with my kids or my wife, but it’s time they got self-dependent and did their own thing anyway.

Also I am totally pissed because I forgot that I have a meeting this morning at 8:30 so no time to write a comment, no time to write a fucking POST until later, when all of my creative energy will have yet again been spent on Mr. Fucking Criminal Corporation.

Wait. Maybe I could kill a bunch of people. That would be cathartic.

So cucumbers yes, yes on the fisting thing not having to do with a fist but just the hand but seriously. JUST the hand? If it were a small hand, yes, but I’m looking at my hand and thinking no way, wouldn’t even try that.

And yes, it definitely IS possible to have sex with a pumpkin. Trust me on this one.

Thanks again for all the welcomes and shizz for my new membership in the League. You all are sure that this isn’t some kind of Venus Flytrap gimmick whereby you are going to lure me in, cover me with flattery, get me drunk and then slash me up and use my eyebrows for mascara brushes, right?

Now where did that thought come from? And who in the hell calls a meeting for 8:30 A.M.? Someone who has neither children nor any kind of social life, that’s for sure.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Noa May 10, 2011 at 2:59 pm

I’m sorry, I’m too busy being awesome at my house to hear your angry rants at 8:30 AM. Oh, and, yes it’s a gimmick a la Hansel and Gretel. Watch out for the witch.

Corin May 10, 2011 at 1:23 am

“Fishlips can be cameltoe, but cameltoe is not always fishlips” was actually a question on my SAT exams. Of course, it was a question that I wrote in myself. And then enjoyed an education at a sub-par state college.

Noa May 10, 2011 at 2:58 pm

It’s good you can include sexual misconduct into your education.

Shane May 10, 2011 at 1:24 am

BTW no one ever tells me they can’t take me anywhere. They just tell me to shut the hell up. Or they lock me in the car. Maybe it’s a guy thing, even though the telling to shut the hell up usually comes from my wife.
Shane recently posted..I Lawn Tractored the Shit Out of Her

Noa May 10, 2011 at 2:57 pm

Adrian sullenly endures my existence when we go places. He’s never the one causing issues. I’m lucky that way.

Shane May 10, 2011 at 1:39 am

Fish lips is to camel toe as foreskin is to…?

hoodyhoo May 10, 2011 at 6:23 am

meat hat
hoodyhoo recently posted..Oh- Dear

Noa May 10, 2011 at 2:57 pm

Hoody’s got this one.

The Young Girl May 10, 2011 at 10:48 am

I went back and forth on whether to comment that I have indeed been fisted. I figured that I might as well defend fisting. And like Shane says, it a process. You work up to it. I hear its easier after you’ve had kids. Also you dont really make a fist. you hand looks more like when you were a kid and made duck shadow puppets but in your vagina. And you are right, the knuckles are the hard part. And this is why you can’t take me anywhere. Because I admit to strangers that I’ve been fisted.
The Young Girl recently posted..I feel good about myself today!

Noa May 10, 2011 at 3:00 pm

Well. Um. There you go.

The Young Girl May 10, 2011 at 3:37 pm

Just think of it as being very well informed now. See I should just stop talking to people. We can’t have nice things or go anywhere because I make everything awkward. Sorry about that.
The Young Girl recently posted..I feel good about myself today!

Noa May 10, 2011 at 3:45 pm

I can say with absolute certainty that it’s not the most startling thing I’ve ever heard. Heard in the comments yes, but not overall.

Noa May 10, 2011 at 3:50 pm

Enjoy this image of spiderman getting punched in the nuts.

Teala May 10, 2011 at 3:13 pm

The last time… well I wasn’t the one who said “I can’t take you anywhere.” I was told. I was eating some Peanut M&Ms while grabbing coffee with my friend when all of a sudden I said: “If Hitler ate M&Ms, what kind would he eat? Probably the original plain chocolate because they’re ‘pure.’ But would that make the peanut kind the Jews?! OMGOSH! I’m eating the Jews! It’s genocide.” My friend said: “Wow. I can’t take you anywhere, Hitler.”
Teala recently posted..Motivation

Noa May 10, 2011 at 3:42 pm

Adrian is a Jew and I laughed my ass off at this. Now I cannot eat M&M’s without thinking about HItler.

Teala May 10, 2011 at 4:11 pm

You’re welcome for that.
Teala recently posted..Motivation

Johi May 10, 2011 at 3:20 pm

People tell me that all the time, but more importantly, that second Spidey is going to give me nightmares.
Johi recently posted..Mothers Day Weekend Beautification Phase 1

Noa May 10, 2011 at 3:47 pm

Noa May 10, 2011 at 3:49 pm

That legit took me forever to get in the comments. Bask in it’s glory.

Christina May 11, 2011 at 9:32 pm

I sooo need the saying “This is why we can’t have nice things” with your added caption about fishlips done in needlepoint to hang in my house. That is awesome, and I think needlepoint would just really added that subtle touch of fancy to the whole thing.

Noa May 12, 2011 at 2:26 pm

That. Is. Brilliant.

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