This weekend, I met Grace’s friend Julie for the very first time. We went shopping.
This is what happened. I only wish I were, in any way, embellishing the events I’m about to lay out for you. Spiderman and his colorful commentary lends a hand today to make me feel not so much like a huge asshole, because in my head, Spiderman is a bigger dick than me.
1. DEALS, MOTHERFUCKERS
Overwhelmed by the sheer number and quality of the sales this weekend, the three of us found ourselves shouting, “DEALS, MOTHERFUCKER,” at every turn.
“It’s $10 off today!”
“6 for $20!”
“Buy 1 get 63 free!”
“If you can funky chicken for 60 seconds, you can have whatever you can carry!”
2. The Inception of Muff-Con
Grace: “There needs to be different grades of Muffin-Top. Like, that woman’s is a Grade 4.”
Me: “Like the Weather Channel’s Tor-Con system? Muff-Con 5?”
Grace: “I can’t take you anywhere.”
3. Fishlips VS Cameltoe
Julie: “How does a female to male sex change work?”
Grace: “It’s my understanding that there is some labia stretching that occurs.”
Me: “Do you call that fishlips? Is that the opposite of cameltoe?”
Julie: “Fishlips can be cameltoe, but cameltoe is not always fishlips.”
Grace: “More importantly, if you worked up enough speed or had a stiff breeze, could you get ‘em clapping?”
Julie: “The physics of fisting are simply baffling to me. I mean, I would like one person who’s into fisting to accurately describe in what way that’s even kind of pleasurable.”
Several minutes pass.
Me: (staring at my hand) “You know, it’s not your fingers that would be the problem–those fold up. But your knuckles–that’s the real problem.”
Julie: “I’m…not sure what your hand represents here. Is your hand a dick? Or a vagina?”
Me: (Now terrified that I have not heard her correctly, and then have brought up fisting in a formerly innocuous conversation.) “My hand represents a hand.”
5. Stranger Danger
Me: “Julie, look at this dress. It’s fucked up right?”
Julie: “Yeah. You look like you’re knocked up.”
Me: “That’s what I thought.”
A GODDAMN STRANGER: “You don’t have it all tied up right. Come over here.”
Julie: Fucking disappears.
A GODDAMN STRANGER: “I said come over here. I’ll tie it up for you.”
Me: “Um, okay.” (I prepare to be brutally murdered)
A GODDAMN STRANGER: “See, that’s so much better.”
Me: “I…um. Grace? What do you think?”
Grace: “You look like someone roped a circus tent around you.”
A GODDAMN STRANGER: “I think it looks nice.”
6. My Cornea!
Grace: “This dress is stuck. Help me.”
Me: (Yanks the dress down)
Grace: “THE TAG IS CAUGHT ON MY EYEBALL. GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF.”
Let me just remind you, that this was the first time I ever met Julie, and Julie, I sincerely apologize for all the terrible things I said. I cannot be taken anywhere.
When was the last time someone said to you, “I can’t take you anywhere?”