Oh Good, You Saved Your Bullshit.

05/18/2011 · 332 comments

in I'm A Terrible Person, Psychological Warfare, What Is Wrong With You?

My house has burned down before. Twice.

It’s safe to assume that in the event that it can and might happen again, I have an escape plan and a, “things I would save,” list: the safe, the photos, my computer.

Maybe our cats. That’s a tough one.

And I would let the rest of my stuff burn, again. Why?

Because I have survival instincts. Because I’m not a fucking hero–when you lose it all, you’re amazed at how little you cared in the first place about all your things.

And also because I’m not mentally incapacitated.

But, thanks to The Burning House project, I now know what some other people might choose, and rest assured that though the photos are beautiful, the choices they have made are total bullshit, and I have once again lost faith in a section of mankind.

The first few were good choices.

He’s mixed practicality with sentimentality: he needs his phone and his keys, but he’s attached to his photos. I get it. I agree.

All of this can be carried with just two arms while your home explodes behind you and you dive behind your mailbox.

This guy realized he might want his passport, but grabbed other homey items that are irreplaceable.

This is good. This shows common sense. That’s the final use of common sense you’ll see here.

You have to be fucking kidding me. A frying pan and face cream.

Do you even realize the logistics of grabbing both of those items if your legs were on fire, ma’am? Do you realize that both of these things are readily available for purchase any fucking time you choose?

I neglected to mention your fork collection there that’s also ridiculous. Wait, is that a TEA TOWEL? I can’t deal.

The sheer douchery in this photo is damn near incomprehensible.

My husband Adrian is a yuppie to the core, but he’d let his suits burn in a second if it meant saving his fucking life.

It’s like looking into the burning eyes of a serial killer. Nothing about this photo sits well–least of all the cats he’s got wandering through there. That knife is longer than the cats. It’s Backdraft meets Deliverance. I’m so afraid.

Let’s just cut to the chase and talk about why this person chose to save two tiny redneck outfits.

Is she herself tiny? Does she have a colony of Lilliputians in that bag? I wonder if she keeps them in line by whacking them with the Irish walking stick.

Do you call that a Lil’ Pimpin Cane? This is baffling on a lot of levels.

I don’t even want to start talking about the shoes, because it’s going to make my brain combust to do so. I swear to God you won’t miss them if I pull out a lighter, ma’am. Don’t try me.

My question is…why the shears? How are shears sentimental to you? Are you Lorena Bobbit? Because then you have some larger issues at hand than your home aflame.

This is such a motley collection of twatwaffle that I can hardly contain my rage.

Okay–your favorite shirt, but if you saved that, why then do you save the painting of it? The keys are to your BDSM dungeon I assume, because you also have a busted-ass horse bit there.

This is like a Twilight novel that’s aged 35 years.

I notice you also chose not to save pants for whatever reason, which is perplexing. Galoshes are on the short list, but you’re going to be fishlippin’ it during the fire. Enjoy.

Thanks to this, I have a renewed sense of shit that I own that actually matters. I’ll now be enjoying my new list of bullshit I’d save in a fire.

Some tissues, a used candle, a broken reindeer PEZ dispenser, my left shoe, Spaceballs, Spotted Dick, a Bic pen, a used wet nap, some stamps, 7 gummy worms, and a tea bag.

Not even the fun kind of tea bag. Burn it down, motherfuckers.

What would you save if your home were on fire?

My Favorite Comment from the Last Post:
From Mandi: “Listen to Mr. Asshole’s explanation, tilt head and say “huh… the artist was my uncle and he said that he made it to psychologically trigger men with small willies to start spewing the verbal equivalent of a Ferrari to compensate. Weird.” and walk away. Or just put a “kick me” sign on his back….Also, was the jug of jugs supposed to be an art project? Because some poor student may have misheard “You should probably just work at a titty bar” as “You should make a titty jar” 

Wendy May 18, 2011 at 3:00 am

My child (duh), my sneakers(hello fire equals hot ground and lots of debris everywhere), and the Filofax I keep all our shit in encase of a fire or disaster. Oh and my husband, but he is responsible for his own damn shoes.

Noa May 18, 2011 at 1:26 pm

Let him get his own shoes–if he can’t run from flames while managing to not catch on fire, then that’s his loss.

Lianne Marie Binks May 18, 2011 at 5:00 am

I would save my mobile phone (but leave my laptop) and the teddy bear I’ve had since childhood (irreplaceable).
That’s it I think – it’s a fire. I have things that I cherish – an enormous collection of books and DVDs, kitchen equipment, clothes, shoes a potrait of David Bowie during his Ziggy Stardust era… but they’re just stuff and they can’t all be saved!
They’re not worth risking my life over and for the sake of making sure me and The Boy got out safe and alive I’d leave them all in there and just hope the insurance understood that I absolutely have to replace them all!
Lianne Marie Binks recently posted..Red sails take me

Noa May 18, 2011 at 1:25 pm

Thank you for being smarter than everyone I’ve featured above. Dear God, I can hardly handle their idiocy, but it’s nice to see that most people have common sense.

Meg May 18, 2011 at 5:43 am

My kids, do I even need to say that…hopefully my husband could fend for himself…. Kids are a given. Our dogs. If I could save anything else, the memory cards with all of our photos, my laptop and a diet Mt. Dew. Cause the fire would probably make me hot, and thirsty. Okay, seriously, there are things I’d miss, but nothing (besides family) that I couldn’t do without.
Meg recently posted..Our Last Five Days

Noa May 18, 2011 at 1:24 pm

Sometimes, you gotta Do the Dew.

Bob September 10, 2011 at 5:45 pm

For all your electronic pictures and such, try subscribing to some online backup services like crashplan.com or carbonite.com

I use both in my family – they both have their plusses (carbonite is a little more intuitive to use, crashplan more flexible).

I have 2 TB of data stored on Crashplan servers. Fire don’t scare me from a lost pics perspective.

Noa September 11, 2011 at 12:39 pm

I’ve never heard of crashplan–I’ll have to check it out, thank you. Carbonite kicks my ass with its slowness.

Hyzymom May 18, 2011 at 5:45 am

Kids (although now they are probably old enough and smart enough to save me)
Dogs (not smart enough to stop eating poop and so need saving)
Wish I could save the snakes, but their cages are too heavy and they don’t come when you call them in the smokey, dark, flame ridden house.
Mr. Spock nutcracker (kidding! – that I’d save it, not that I have one sitting on my desk)
I’d want to save my photo albums, but I have too many and they weigh too much because I’m slightly obsessive about documenting.
Maybe the 45 year old plant I inherited from my husbands grandmother?
Honestly, with my kids, dogs and husband… what else do I need?
Hyzymom recently posted..Baby Boy Milestone 4-745

Kelly May 18, 2011 at 8:48 am

Saving the snakes just made me think of Pee Wee’s Big Adventure, when the pet shop was on fire. :)
Kelly recently posted..Fat Ass Underpants Or lack thereof

Andi May 18, 2011 at 8:56 am

We have lizards. I wouldn’t even try for them either.
Andi recently posted..The Bird Sht Skirt

Noa May 18, 2011 at 1:23 pm

The thing about this one is that you gloss right over the 45 year old plant. It’s 45!? How the fuck…just…is it a sentient being yet? I can’t keep bamboo going and I have to water it once a month. Your plant might save itself in a fire, Hyzymom!

hoodyhoo May 18, 2011 at 6:25 am

I can’t even concentrate on my list because of those fucking pictures!
#1 Why does that guy need his watch? “It’s been 11 hours and 22 minutes since all my shit burnt up…”
#2 “Shit, Carl, I said save the BIRD!”
#3 And it’s not even a Calphalon pan…
#4 Are you saving the rugs, too? I like the rugs.
#5 I don’t see any room left over for the dead boys in the basement…
#6 Of COURSE that’s what you call it, Noa. Don’t be a dumbass.
#7 The nightie? Aren’t you likely to already be wearing a nightie? OR ARE YOU A WHORE?
#8 I don’t even have any paintings of my shirts. I’m sorry, shirts.

And bonus — dude, you got some dirty-ass feet! : )
hoodyhoo recently posted..Which Is Worse

Noa May 18, 2011 at 1:22 pm

Okay, 1) THE SHOES ARE LEATHER. MY FEET ARE NOT DIRTY, THAT IS JUST WHAT LEATHER SHOES DO. 2) No, that asshole is going to leave his rugs but grab some pens. 3) Get painting, ho, that Jem shirt isn’t going to paint itself.

hoodyhoo May 19, 2011 at 6:19 am

I can’t paint, maybe you could come over and do some paintings by holding the brush IN YOUR DIRTY FEET! ; )
hoodyhoo recently posted..Which Is Worse

Noa May 19, 2011 at 4:26 pm

You’re fucking killing me, Hoody. Fucking killing me. How’s your mama?

hoodyhoo May 20, 2011 at 6:23 am

still out West with her sister — but things do seem to be getting somewhat better!
hoodyhoo recently posted..See Y’all Next Week

Geoffrey May 18, 2011 at 6:37 am

Definitely my laptop (because it’s worth more than my car), phone, wallet, keys, and hopefully some clothes if I had time. Trouble is, I live in an unsafe area, so I lock my laptop to my desk. So I’d have to first unlock it while I’m on fire, which may prove difficult.
Geoffrey recently posted..Im Never Going to the Dentist Again

Noa May 18, 2011 at 1:21 pm

Just rip that shit off the desk. Take the whole leg of the desk with you–Charlie Sheen it, if you will. You’ll be surprised at your strength in a panic regardless of your flammability.

Meg May 18, 2011 at 6:40 am

It finally hit me, or, well, I reread what it says under your picture. It’s a candle. For a minute there I thought it was a pocket vibe and I was thinking, “good call”.
Meg recently posted..Our Last Five Days

Noa May 18, 2011 at 1:20 pm

Hahaha! I kept looking at that picture saying, “I need to say that’s a candle because it straight up looks like a dick.” I’m glad you thought so too. I tried to make it the reindeer’s dick, but it never turned out quite right.

Margaret Goerig May 18, 2011 at 7:29 am

Funny you should ask. I had to make this choice last month, when my axle snapped, two of my four rear tires flew off and started a small brush fire not too far from my vehicle, and some truck drivers suggested I move a few things into their cab, should we have to evacuate the area. Here’s what I chose: my laptop, my camera, my dog, his very expensive food that I had just bought three hours beforehand, his crate, my purse, some notebooks, my backup drive, my medical records, underwear, a few changes of clothes, some flip flops, and I kid you not: face cream. But that was because this was all hypothetical and I had the luxury of time, because the flames were not actually licking at my head yet. Also, I was in the middle of nowhere in South Texas, so that was its very own survival mode.
PS- May I point out that in one of the approved photos at the very top, there is a badminton birdie?
Margaret Goerig recently posted..What’s in a name A lot

Noa May 18, 2011 at 1:19 pm

You say, “wheels fell off my car,” like it’s no fucking big deal. HOLY SHIT. I can imagine that at the time, it was not funny, but now that you are okay and your shit didn’t burn, it must be fucking hilarious. Wow. And I have just seen the badminton birdie-eh, I’ll let him have that one. It’s light and pocketable and maybe a sex toy.

Margaret Goerig May 19, 2011 at 8:34 am

Pretty much. But actually, like I told my sister, who confessed that the tires flying off her car was a particular phobia of hers, it’s not that bad, as long as you don’t hit the brakes. Having both hands on the wheel helps, too.
Margaret Goerig recently posted..What’s in a name A lot

Noa May 19, 2011 at 4:26 pm

I’m now going to develop a chronic fear of wheels falling off my car.

Grace May 18, 2011 at 7:34 am

Ok, I simply must weigh in on this one seeing as how I was there for both of those freakin’ fires. Who has a painting of their friggin shirts? I am gonna start commissioning artists to paint random portraits of my socks…just for shits and giggles. Also, that is a fucking CAST IRON SKILLET, that is possibly the only thing that could make it through a house fire completely unscathed…why would you save something that can save itself?

Ok so I think you know what I would grab, but for the sake of politely answering your question: my leg ( shit would seriously be bad without that), all the fur-kids (I’m a freakin veterinarian, can’t let them burn) My shadow box you made me, and my wedding video…that is all. Oh wait also my cast iron skillet and griddle, just in case the fire is hot enough to melt IRON ORE!

Also, if you find out where those tiny clothes came from please let me know. I will need something similar for the midgets uniforms for the new business’ employees. Call me

Noa May 18, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Didn’t we lose the first leg you ever had in the first housefire?

Adrian said the same thing about the skillet-not only is it readily available for purchase, it’s fucking IRON. It’s gonna be cool. You can just dust that shit off and start using it again. And now I am imagining your cat Pronto wearing tiny overalls and leather bomber jackets. I like it.

hoodyhoo May 19, 2011 at 6:17 am

HOW COULD YOU LEAVE GRACE’S LEG????? You save the damn Pez dispenser and your nudge-nudge wink-wink “candle” but you leave the leg? Bad Noa, no biscuit!
hoodyhoo recently posted..Which Is Worse

Noa May 19, 2011 at 4:27 pm

Damnit. I think, as her leg, it’s HER responsibility. Just sayin’.

hoodyhoo May 20, 2011 at 6:23 am

I told Dear Sweet Mama on you. You’re grounded.
hoodyhoo recently posted..See Y’all Next Week

Noa May 20, 2011 at 6:46 pm

Tell Dear Sweet Mama’s sister to get better and tell DSM that i’m not listening to her.

hoodyhoo May 23, 2011 at 6:57 am

man, you’re just CRUISIN’ for a bruisin’…
hoodyhoo recently posted..And This Is Why

Noa May 23, 2011 at 4:23 pm

And your DSM would sure as hell be the one to bring it.

Shane May 18, 2011 at 7:55 am

1) My kids
2) My wife
3) The sex toys (you don’t want people bringing that shit up to you, on the scene and all, no matter how melted it is)
4) Family pictures

Otherwise, let the motherfucker burn. I’ve been looking for a solution to my full basement/cabinets/hurt locker problem anyway.
OK, so here’s a story I can’t post because it makes my mom cry but everyone I tell it to thinks it’s fucking hilarious:

When my mom was a teenager, growing up in a tiny town in the Midwest, the big thing was to take a bucket of corn or beans, run up onto a person’s porch, dump it all over the place, ring the doorbell and then go hide in the bushes while the person inside opened the door.

No doubt exclaiming:

“By Golly, sumbody’s put corn/beans on our porch!”

Or something.

Well. One day the paperboy came to deliver the paper as well as a big ‘ol bucket o’ corn. Unbeknownst to him, my grandmother was inside, rolling a joint or something, and she was walking through the front room and heard the corn hit the screen door.

So she opened the door, caught him in the act, and bitched him out. He ran off, but she called his mother, who probably beat the shit out of him and then made him come and clean away the corn.

The next day?

The kid came back and BURNED MY MOTHER’S HOUSE DOWN.

So there you have it. Hey, they had insurance. The kid got a lobotomy or something, and my grandmother had a nervous breakdown during the rebuilding of the house, but hey, it’s good for shits and giggles, right?

Andi May 18, 2011 at 8:56 am

That story is HORRIFYING. I grew up in a small town with similarly “troubled” kids. While babysitting one of them, he convinced his younger brother to squirt ammonia in my eyes. He was 6, brother was 4. They’re now in jail — no surprise there. I guess I should be glad he wasn’t inclined towards arson. ((shudder))

I think the corn/beans on the porch was supposed to make someone fall down if they came out, but the doorbell ringing seems like it would defeat the purpose. We have doorbell ringers here, but they just push on it and run off. We live in a suburb with overplanned children and it really does stifle creativity.
Andi recently posted..The Bird Sht Skirt

Noa May 18, 2011 at 1:10 pm

Both of these stories fill me with both horror and hilarity, because whoa. Shane–My mama can’t talk about our two burned houses without being sad either, but why the corn, yo? Why? Andi–how are you not blind?

Andi May 18, 2011 at 2:39 pm

My mom was visiting the next door neighbor and heard me screech (these were large houses on nice lots, apparently it was an impressive screech). She ran over there and dragged me to the bathroom and washed my eyes out with water. I do have vision issues, but we never determined if my eyes are as bad as they are because of that incident or because I got a stronger set of our bad vision genes than usual. I did not need glasses until after that, though.
Andi recently posted..The Bird Sht Skirt

Noa May 18, 2011 at 2:47 pm

Wow. I’m surprised you didn’t shank that kid.

Kelly May 18, 2011 at 9:10 am

The thought of a fireman coming up to me with melted sex toys makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time. My neighbors will finally figure out why I rarely leave my house.
Kelly recently posted..Fat Ass Underpants Or lack thereof

cori September 10, 2011 at 10:00 pm

you cant imagine the horror.. I had a small smoke/fire in my stove once a long time ago ( long story as to why the sex toy was in the stove ;broiler actually, and I wasnt aware) and when the fireman came over to me and the boyfriend holding something long and charred w/batteries exploded in the bottom, I IMMEDIATALY knew what it was. Horrified I said it may have been a childs toy( as I babysat at the time) or remote control, all the while hoping he wouldnt turn it over again and see the hint of pretty hot pink at the bottom that wasnt totally burnt, and KNOW. If I could have been a fly on the wall then to see the look on my face I think I would have laughed my ass off.. So, yes, in hindsight, FUNNY AS SHIT, in real time, not so much

Noa May 18, 2011 at 1:17 pm

The sex toy thing is also making me giggle…”Sir, we found your flogger and your dildo collection. It’s still in workable condition.” Hooray!

CT September 10, 2011 at 8:55 pm

Speaking of sex toys, my husband and I flew up to the Poconos for our honeymoon. At the airport terminal baggage carousel, there was apparently a mixup. Our suitcases looked identical to another couple’s suitcases and we got theirs and they got ours. No biggie except that ours had:

a. manacles
b. collar
c. cat o nine
d. blindfold

I can just imagine the looks on the other couple’s faces…

dotwonder May 18, 2011 at 7:58 am

this made my day. i don’t even think i’d save photos anymore. i have tons of stuff out on the cloud, and everything from the dawn of time (ie: real film that you had to develop) will just have to burn. darn it all…
i’d save my cats, my husband can save himself

Noa May 18, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Glad you enjoyed it! I like your approach, you will survive the fire. The people I’ve featured here will not.

Jaclyn May 18, 2011 at 8:18 am

I think the bitch with the pan and the dude with the knives and the oar misunderstood. I’m pretty sure they are trying to be practical during the apocalypse. Why else would they make choices that suggest they would be living in the woods for an extended period of time? I’m picturing pan lady cooking roadkill over a fire in a Holiday Inn parking lot.

As far as what I would save? I’d probably end up dead trying to find shit in my disorganized house, but I’d be looking for my memory cards with all my stored pictures. That’s about it. Then I’d grab my daughter and my pets and GO. Hopefully I would be wearing pants at the time.
Jaclyn recently posted..Questions to ask your new babysitter

Noa May 18, 2011 at 1:15 pm

I’ll never pass another hotel without thinking about that girl sadly making pancakes in the parking lot. Good luck with your pant-finding in the flames though!

Miss Yvonne May 18, 2011 at 8:30 am

I actually had to do this once. My parents had a fire while I was visiting and I spent 10 minutes running from the house to the street with armloads of the stuff my mom was screaming at me to save. Really, mom? You can’t live without your kitchenaide mixer. Really??
Miss Yvonne recently posted..Is Laundry Coma A Real Thing Quick- Somebody Google It Before I Blackout

Shelley May 18, 2011 at 9:32 am

That’s hilarious – because I love my KitchenAid mixer so much that I always say I would save it if there was a fire. Because I’m super-rational that way.

Noa May 18, 2011 at 1:14 pm

I know a few people so attached to their mixers that they would rather die than see them burn–but I can imagine you, Miss Yvonne, just whipping it across her front lawn in both rage and panic. Like a midget tossing contest with appliances.

momiss May 18, 2011 at 8:32 am

Hold everything! WTH is Spotted Dick????????
And yes, Adrian is a yuppie to the core and I wouldn’t be surprised if there wasn’t some eyeliner is his crap. He needs to buy Adam Carolla’s book pronto so he can learn to be a man. In fact, the Twilight girl could use it herself.
HAHAHAHAHA! You never fail to bring me up! GO NOA!
momiss recently posted..Listen to Adam- guys!!

Noa May 18, 2011 at 1:13 pm

Spotted dick is apparently some cake or something. Though I think I should clear up that while Adrian is a yuppie, that is not his photo. If he could choose shit to take out of our house in a fire, it would be his phone, computer, ps3, and the cats. Glad you enjoyed it!

momiss May 18, 2011 at 3:04 pm

I told everybody on FB today to go to your blog and then look up Spotted Dick because we all needed some. Thanks for making my day. And yes, the candle looked so much like a vibrator that I just *assumed* and only now, re-reading over the comments, have realized it was a candle. I can’t understand your thinking, but then I’ve never had to choose between the two. Yet. There, but for the grace of God, go I……..
momiss recently posted..Listen to Adam- guys!!

Noa May 18, 2011 at 3:32 pm

Hey-I don’t discriminate cylindrical objects. Do what you gotta do, you know?

Annie May 18, 2011 at 8:42 am

What the hell, I was looking at this website yesterday (thank you twitter) and was thinking basically the same thing. But thank you for actually putting it into witty words rather than me just pointing at my computer saying “Really? Really?! What the hell.”
Basically for half of these they are just showing off their vintage collections, “hey look at me, I have more vintage than you!”

I’d save the ice cream. Don’t want that to melt.
Annie recently posted..A London Walk

Noa May 18, 2011 at 1:12 pm

Yeah, what was meant to be a pretty photography project just ended up being pretentious assholes showing off their photoshop filter skills. Also, fuck yeah ice cream.

Andi May 18, 2011 at 8:50 am

I’d save the kids, although they can probably save themselves. Already told Hubs he’s on his own for that one — he sleeps real deep. I told him, “I’m punching you once and I’m getting the eff out.” I won’t go after our cats either — they are squirrely and will hide under the bed or run away once outside. If I see one, I’ll grab it on the way out. Also, the jewelry I inherited from my family, laptop and purse if there’s time. The rest of the crap can burn.

Did you ever hear the 3 minute rule? Basically — you have 3 minutes to exit a room that is on fire before everything in it becomes hot enough to spontaneously combust. Yes, that includes you. I find the 3 minute rule really weeds out all the non-essentials.
Andi recently posted..The Bird Sht Skirt

Andi May 18, 2011 at 9:30 am

Just re-read this and realized I sound completely callous regarding the cats. They were rescues and we’ve only had them 2 months, so not only do they NOT come when called, they have a very low tolerance for being held or carried. I love my kittehs and would try to save them, but I won’t risk anyone’s life over it. Might prop the front door open though, since I heard that cats can save themselves given the opportunity. Its dogs you really have to worry about.
Andi recently posted..The Bird Sht Skirt

Noa May 18, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Apparently Cats hide, so if your home does burn down, just toss them out the front door. If you can get them out that door, you’re good.

Andi May 18, 2011 at 12:57 pm

Good to know. I’m still saving the kids first, since that one would be harder to explain to the grandparents. Also, the kids will probably take care of me in my old age whereas I’m pretty sure the cats will try to eat me.
Andi recently posted..The Bird Sht Skirt

Noa May 18, 2011 at 1:28 pm

I’m still currently laughing my ass of at this. Yes, it would be harder to explain why you saved your rescue cats than your own children. Just scruff each species and toss out the front door.

Mrs. MidAtlantic May 18, 2011 at 8:53 am

When I was in preschool, we had a fireman come talk to my class about fire safety and what to do when your house caught fire. WHEN your house caught fire, not IF your house caught fire. I became terrified of fires and spent all my free time over the next week or two sitting with my most prized possessions (my bear and five blankies), sitting on the couch staring at the front door. When that fire started, I was going to be ready!

Noa May 18, 2011 at 1:10 pm

Poor thing! You were so prepared because he was a total a-hole. That is fucking hilarious.

LolitaFatale May 18, 2011 at 8:56 am

Oh me oh my, I came to you from The Bloggess and I think you’re my new favourite. Favourite what? That’s for me to know and you to think about for a bit and then forget.

My favourite commentary is for the last photo. Hipster bullshit. Fantastic. I agree with your sentiments.

If my house happened to be on fire and I was within it’s walls, I would probably attempt to tear my lap top from the (mostly useless) cables that attach it to the burning walls, I’d grab my handbag which has a bunch of important shit in there, maybe grab some dirty clothes that are in the floor and one toy. I don’t know which one, it would be a spur of the moment, holy-shit-my-house-is-on-fire-why-am-i-thinking-about-toys-just-fucking-grab-one-and-get-out decision. And on my way out the door I’d grab my photo album. Notice that it is conveniently placed near the front door for quick and easy access.

Man, thinking about it now, and thinking about how much of my stuff I wouldn’t be able to grab with me as I flee, damn, it would suck if my house burnt down.
LolitaFatale recently posted..A day with my sweetie

Noa May 18, 2011 at 1:07 pm

Keep an IKEA bag under your bed–it would really help with your plan to grab whatever’s in reach as you run out the door. And, I think they’re fireproof. IKEA: Saving your shit and providing you cheap replacements.

Kelly May 18, 2011 at 9:05 am

I didn’t realize Bear Grylls liked cats. Or was concerned about fire, as I thought fire was his friend.

This is asshattery at it’s finest. A badminton birdie? Okay, maybe if it was solid gold. And even then, chances are my house is burning down in the middle of the night, and I don’t have pockets in my pajamas, so I’d be forced to stick it in my underpants, if I’m wearing any, and the thing is fucking solid gold, and its heavy, and it’s pulling down my pants, and now I just showed my ass and girly bits to the entire neighborhood, who are nosy fuckers and stand and stare rather than help (and will be certain to gossip about the fact that my pajamas don’t match and why is she wearing a Perry the Platypus tee shirt, is she TEN???), and the firemen, who’d better be hot and wanting to comfort me. *eyebrow waggle*

In all seriousness though, I’d grab my kids, my dog, (my husband is a soldier, and if he can make it through four deployments unscathed, surely he can make it down the stairs and out the front door without too much assistance – however, he did find it necessary to go pick up our tipped over trash bin while a tornado was practically hovering over our house – whatever), the expandable file with all the important paperwork, my grandma’s handsewn quilts, and the jumpdrive that has all of my pictures and music on it.
Kelly recently posted..Fat Ass Underpants Or lack thereof

Noa May 18, 2011 at 1:06 pm

Your comments are always an endless stream of hilarious. I have to read them several times just to soak them in. Can you imagine how painful it would be to have a solid gold badminton birdie near your twatwaffle?

Oh, btw, that’s totally famous now, and you by association. Can’t thank you enough.

Kelly May 18, 2011 at 2:03 pm

All this talk about sex toys and golden badminton birdies makes me think that I need to patent a golden badminton birdie called “the twatwaffle”… Shit, Noa – the birdie is made out of waffle-weave plastic! This is fucking GENIOUS. Hey, Student Loans, I’m paying you off with DILDO MONIES!

Famous by association… finally. Took me frickin’ long enough. Eat SHIT, Kevin Bacon!

I think my new nickname (I like to give them to myself, I know, I’m cool like dat) will be T-Dub. Maybe I’ll hang the golden badminton birdie from a chain around my neck and become the next hip hop sensation. The possibilities really are endless.
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Noa May 18, 2011 at 2:49 pm

Everything about what you just said is fucking fantastic.

SA May 18, 2011 at 9:37 am

I know someone’s house burning down is no laughing matter. However when my life long friend & I reflect back on our childhood the burning down of her house always causes a fit of hysterical laughter. Yeah we’re weird like that. That’s what happens when your childhood friend’s mom is a…how can I put this nicely…a crack whore. (I only say it out of love) So from that experience we’ve made up our own list of things to save
1) any children or pets we may have
2) a change of clothes and a pair of shoes
3) the camera
and recently added to the list Phone or Laptop (whichever is closer) so we can immediately tweet or blog about the experience…
yeah we are 2 sick kittens

Noa May 18, 2011 at 12:43 pm

No, you’re two well-planning kittens who will not be on fire. It’s good you can look back and laugh. Hooray for flames and friends!

Johi May 18, 2011 at 9:37 am

First of all, I think I love you. Now that all that is out of the way:
My children, my pets and my shitty old computer (because it contains pictures of my children and my pets). But I would make an insurance claim that I lost my computer in the fire so that I could replace it with one that wasn’t built along-side of Stone Henge.
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Noa May 18, 2011 at 12:34 pm

Aww, Johi! Your computer comment reminds me of when my brother in law laid all the shit he wanted to replace on the floor of his home when they had to evacuate for a hurricane to make sure they were badly damaged. Thankfully their home was completely undamaged in the hurricane, so in celebration, he bought a bunch of new shit anyway.

Cara May 18, 2011 at 10:11 am

Wow . . . just wow. Actually, just the other day my husband looks at me, very seriously, and says totally out of the blue, “if there’s a fire while I’m gone, don’t forget to grab the hard drive.” So, I’d take the hard drive. I would also grab the dogs, our file box with important docs (passports, wills, marriage license etc), and then my arms would be full. Everything else can burn. If I were somehow able to get in fora second run I would grab our wedding album, my computer (suddenly I regret changing my laptop for a desktop), and my stuffed tiger from childhood.

Noa May 18, 2011 at 12:31 pm

I like your plan–it’s a good plan–first the essentials, then the memories. I hope you never have to use this plan.

Jaime May 18, 2011 at 10:44 am

I would save:
my cats
my laptop
my camera
my external hard drive
my photo’s
my passport

but it’s true.. you honestly don’t know how much you can live without until you’ve lived without it..
every time I move I give away/throw away more stuff.. and I’m down now to just the bare essentials… and it feels very free indeed.

Noa May 18, 2011 at 12:30 pm

See–you have a normal list. You’re not grabbing an oar and motherfucking galoshes.

Chunky Mama May 18, 2011 at 11:05 am

I’ve got three small kids and a dog, so as long as I got all of them out with the clothes on their backs (you know, except the dog who prefers going commando) the rest of our shit can burn.
Oh, and Hubby should probably come along too. Hopefully not commando.

Noa May 18, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Someone once told me on twitter that they ran from their housefire naked from the top up. I’m suddenly hoping that will never happen to you.

Kaye May 18, 2011 at 11:59 am

I’d save my pictures, one box easy enough. These pictures are hilarious but your input on them throws them over the age! haha!

Noa May 18, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Glad you liked them! Photos are a must–they suck to lose.

Kaye May 18, 2011 at 2:46 pm

wtf over the age??? LOL I obviously meant edge… wow. My anal self had to fix that.
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mommy~dearest May 18, 2011 at 12:08 pm

I have been through a house fire, and let me say I’m sure it depends on a lot of factors. At 2:30 am, I was able to grab my kids. Period. We were ass-out in the street with bare feet and pajamas.

Losing everything really does put you in a different perspective when it comes to “valuables”. It does suck losing all the memories and such- no baby pics, music, and books were the most difficult for me. And FYI to anyone who has not experienced a fire- cats hide. :(

What would I grab? If I had time, I would chuck the kids out of the window, and grab my purse, “important document filofax”, and my glasses.

Love those pics and your commentary!

Noa May 18, 2011 at 12:29 pm

I’m sorry that you too have been through a housefire–it’s amazing what actually matters in those precious few minutes or seconds (I’m sad for your cats). The good news is, that if it ever happens again, you’ll grab what you need without a second thought. Glad you enjoyed this post!

Suniverse May 18, 2011 at 12:13 pm

Hmmm . . .
I’d save the girl, for sure. The husband is on his own. As are the cats. If they’re smart enough to pound against my bedroom door at 4:45am to be fed, they are smart enough to run away from fire. And if not? Well, who couldn’t use a good night’s sleep?

I would probably at least poke the husband and make sure he woke up. I mean, I’m not a complete bitch.

Noa May 18, 2011 at 12:26 pm

Meh–he should be smart enough to escape from a fire. If your cats are, then she should be. If not, you know, whatever.

Handflapper May 18, 2011 at 1:01 pm

These people obviously have the emotional maturity of twelve-year-olds. This reminds me of when I went back to school for my undergraduate degree after the birth of my first child. I was in some class with a bunch of freshmen and the assignment was to write an essay about the one thing you could not live without. Hair dryer? Curling iron? Reeeeeally? I had experienced the death of a parent when I was seventeen and I was pretty sure after that I could live without a fucking curling iron. I could live without anything except my own sense of survival. It would be tough, but as long as I kept my sense of self intact, I would survive.

That being said, I would grab the dog and some snacks and yell at husband to follow.

Noa May 18, 2011 at 1:31 pm

I’m torn between being, “HELL YEAH, FUCK THOSE BITCHES,” and laughing my ass off at your comment about snacks. Love it.

Corin May 18, 2011 at 1:01 pm

My realistic, practical-person list: the cat, my laptop, my wallet/passport, and the heirloom jewelry my grandmother gave me. If I have more time, maybe a change of clothes and shoes.

My douchebaggery-twatwaffle-hipster alter ego list: my collection of paintings from local artists (they’ll TOTALLY be worth something someday), my record player and collection of LPs (…they’re like MY BABIES), a copy of Infinite Jest, a pair of high heels (um, hello, THEY’RE VINTAGE), and of course, face cream and a cast iron pan.
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Noa May 18, 2011 at 1:27 pm

That was the most hipster-y thing I have ever seen written in my comments. You win, Corin, you win. Also, I fucking love your name.

elizabeth- flourish in progress May 18, 2011 at 1:30 pm

Noa, I really, really love you and I accept you for who you are, whoever that may be, but I am SO FUCKING glad you explained that the white thing in your picture was a used candle. Because I was thinking other things. Things I can’t really talk about because I’m a born again virgin church goer and we don’t talk about things that aren’t in the Bible.

Things I would take out of the fire:
1. My hairbrush. I fucking hate tangles.
2. Leopard thongs. I like to look sexy at all times. Even in times of disaster.
3. My family. But only if I can hold the thongs and hairbrush in one hand.
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Noa May 19, 2011 at 6:20 pm

And who’s getting Raptured on Saturday, Miss I-think-that-candle-looks-like-a-wang? Yeah. Also, I’d burn your house down just to see you running from your home with nothing but a hairbrush and thongs.

buttah May 18, 2011 at 2:06 pm

My guns…OH and my child and husband, and dog. I would really hate to leave behind little man’s baby stuff that I have saved, but I would let it go if it meant getting out alive. Everything else is just stuff and replaceable! We have to leave for Hurrications quite often down here, so I tend to have all of my “grab and go” important stuff, documents and all that in big plastic totes. But in the event of a fire…guns and people, and pets are the only things that really matter!!

Jaclyn May 18, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Are you sure you aren’t thinking of the zombie apocalypse? I can see why guns would be irreplaceable during a zombie war. Zombies are crazy motherfuckers.
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buttah May 18, 2011 at 2:38 pm

I live in the deep south yo…guns are ALWAYS important, whether in your panty drawer or your car…you never know who may try to come looting post house fire. Our motto down here is “you try to loot, we’re gonna shoot!” Just sayin’! And yes, zombies are crazy motherfuckers!!

Noa May 18, 2011 at 2:48 pm

Guns are expensive–I’d save those too. And also, I wouldn’t want them all firing off while the firemen are trying to put my house out. That would be awkward to explain.

geek_chic May 18, 2011 at 4:40 pm

Um, yes. Learned that one during my fire. Always keep ammo in a firesafe/resistant box, preferably all pointed in the same direction. The firemen seem to really appreciate that.

Noa May 19, 2011 at 4:45 pm

Oh God. That’s a fun story, yeah?

Carey May 18, 2011 at 2:30 pm

In the project I kept seeing all the survival knives and saucepans and thought, “Did people think that the only way their house would burn down would be during an apocalypse where they would be required to survive in the wild with only the things they pulled from their burning home?” WTF.

I’d grab the portable file box with birth certificates, passports, and social security cards, my external hard drive containing my entire business, my purse, and my favorite painting (original, irreplaceable). The rest will burn.

Noa May 18, 2011 at 2:48 pm

They have no insurance–they’re hipsters. They’ll have to survive in the wild, probably.

Rico Swaff May 18, 2011 at 2:40 pm

Haha, I thought that candle was a dildo at first glance.

Hilarious post btw.
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Noa May 18, 2011 at 2:46 pm

Well thank you! I’m a little baffled by your post title right under the word dildo. I like it.

Justine May 18, 2011 at 3:02 pm

I’ve been evacuated once. I knew it was going to happen so I had time to pack up my car without really having to be too picky about what would be saved: the cat, the laptop, and some clothes. Sadly, the cat does not respond well to high stress situations and peed on my lap while we were stuck in traffic trying to flee the flames and I got a rash.

Boyfriend is a fireman, so I’m assuming he’ll be in charge if this ever happens. I mean, as long as he’s not at work saving strangers who don’t even do his laundry from their fires. Plus, he’s the only one who knows where the emergency bag is. I’d try really hard to shuffle the dog and cats (even the rash giving one) outside while grabbing keys, the few photos we have, and laptop if it’s on the way to the door.

Noa May 18, 2011 at 3:24 pm

I wish there were some system like Minority Report with better actors that would tell you when your shit’s about to go up in flames, so you can just pick and choose and not clean your house.

Justine May 19, 2011 at 12:53 pm

This is good. From now on I’ll always assume I’m moments away from catching fire and never clean again. At least until there’s a robot or something to tell me otherwise.

Noa May 19, 2011 at 4:14 pm

This is funny at shit. Love it.

Traci May 18, 2011 at 3:18 pm

Having lived through on house fire already…I’d grab my kids and my cell phone and get out. My husband’s a big boy he can take care of himself. Almost nothing is irreplaceable. I do have a fire box with important documents, etc. I guess I’d grab it if I remembered.

Noa May 18, 2011 at 3:33 pm

Wow–many people today already have been through housefires. It’s like a club, “I didn’t save hipster bullshit and I am alive today to prove it.”

Traci May 18, 2011 at 3:24 pm

Oh and just thought I’d add this…during our house fire we all ran out in pjs and no shoes. My brother used to sleep nude. I said used to. He was naked while the house burned. And the visual of my dad in his tightie whites is burned on my brain forevermore!

Noa May 18, 2011 at 3:35 pm

That’s a fantastic visual, because I am imagining Adrian’s dad running from an explosion in his old-ass underpants. Thanks!

Miss Lu May 18, 2011 at 3:34 pm

I would save:
My microwave
My 1987 collectable Jem doll
The cigar i smuggled out of Cuba in my ass (I am saving it for a shitty day)
The painting i made OF my left boob WITH my right boob (it is my masterpeice and history would be angry with me if I didn’t save it)
All my Sarah Palin for President of ShuttheFuckUpistan buttons
The small puppy sweater with Princess bedazzled on the back (it will look great on my replacement dog)

I am leaving the sex toys so I claim them on my insurance.

Noa May 18, 2011 at 3:42 pm

I honestly don’t even know what to say about this other than, “Fuck yeah.”

J May 18, 2011 at 4:10 pm

Double fuck yeah!

I work with insurance…it would be MORE THAN AWESOME to have someone claim their sex toys!
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Miss Lu May 18, 2011 at 5:45 pm

What is the max re-imbursement for sex toys one can get?

I am asking for ummm, a friend.

Noa May 19, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Yeah. My friend needs to know too.

Robbie August 15, 2011 at 5:52 am

We ALL need to know. For all our friends who are both lonely and horny.

The Onion May 18, 2011 at 3:39 pm

I worked for the American Red Cross briefly and responded to those who were in house fires. Many times they were standing there in nightgowns and snow boots. They didn’t even have a toothbrush. We would give them money to try to replace some of their clothing and other necessities and put them up for a few days until they figured out what was next.

This heartwarming-ness makes me ponder: a Jane Austen novel, what the fuck?

Noa May 19, 2011 at 6:23 pm

Yes, a goddamn Jane Austen novel. Because she is a twatwaffle.

Robbie August 15, 2011 at 5:57 am

No, no. It’s SEVEN Jane Austen novels in one book, see. She’d have seven books to read, and her dad’s old hankie to dab at her eyes at the sad parts. And with the cast iron pan, she needs the forks to eat the delicious food she will make out in the woods while on the run from other female fire evacuees who are trying to steal her expensive makeup. And the moccasins… well, some Native Americans might take her in or something. She doesn’t want to be TOTALLY a fish out of water like Kevin Coster.

Stacie McDonald May 18, 2011 at 3:41 pm

Commentluv isn’t working for me today. I hope their office burns down and all of their Jane Austen novels with it. So there.
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Noa May 18, 2011 at 3:43 pm

Yeah. Jane Austen. I mean, hell yes good literature, but why in a fire? Is it an autographed copy or something? I bet Red Cross could care less about a goddamn frying pan, too.

Angel May 19, 2011 at 2:55 am

I have that exact same edition…it is 19.99 at Barnes & Noble. And when my husband tried to pass it off as a limited edition for our anniversary, I emailed the link to his work email account and told him to never come home again.

Noa May 19, 2011 at 4:28 pm

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. That’s fucking awesome.

Anna Biesbrock May 18, 2011 at 3:47 pm

I’m not going to lie, I had to do a triple take on the used candle. I was pretty sure it was a vibrator. And I thought “Bravo!” and then realized it was a candle after I read through the list. Disappointment set in a little, but the I was distracted by the gummy worms.

As for what I’d save, my computer, my box of photos not on my computer, and my diploma. Why the diploma? Because I paid a shit-ton of money for it and even if I have to live in a hotel for a year I want people to walk in and know that I am superior.

Noa May 19, 2011 at 4:48 pm

And trust me, colleges are a-holes if you need a new diploma because yours burned. It’s a good call to take it with you. Also, I originally had 8 Gummy worms, but I left to grab my shoe and one was mysteriously gone. Fucking Adrian…

Brooke Farmer May 18, 2011 at 3:59 pm

What I would *want* to grab:

My mother’s senior photo
My lock box (containing my passport, 15 years of handwritten poetry, old love letters and memory sticks with photos of my son on them).
The hand carved wooden box my mother gave to me (containing my grandfather’s Bible, great grandmother’s broach, lock of hair from my son’s first haircut and a couple other sentimental items.
An 1882 printing of Tennyson’s poetry.

Which of these would I most regret NOT grabbing if there was time for sentimental bullshit?

None of it. I’d be happy to be alive. And memories don’t disappear just because you lose the photographic evidence of them. I would still remember how beautiful my mother was at 18 and how adorable my son was when he was painting Easter eggs at age 2. I’ve survived enough in my life to know that sometimes surviving is enough.

Noa May 19, 2011 at 4:47 pm

This was touching and awesome at the same time. Thank you.

J May 18, 2011 at 4:08 pm

Ok, can we just ASSUME I would save my 2 dogs, 7 cats, four fish and my mom? Seriously…I need to assume this shit. (I have panic attacks. You have now given me one. So let’s just FUCKING ASSUME THIS SHIT…) Just sayin’…

Anywho, I would put on sweatpants. Because I always seem to have on ugly granny panties at night. Or the ones that have the random hole in the ass. (not sure what I am doing while I sleep)

And I would grab my favorite pillow. Cause if I am going to be sleeping in some shelter or friend’s couch, I at least want a pillow that has MY mites in it.

My car keys and cell phone. Oh, and my cell phone charger. Cause my ass is too cheap to buy a car charger for it.

Oh, and I would grab Sarah and Lamby, stuffed animals from my childhood. Shut up.

I might grab that box of wine I have in my closet. Just to “get through” the trauma.

And maybe a package of cheese wrangler hot dogs. Cause they are just damned good.

Oh, and my pink crocs. Cause dudes, they are versatile!

Oh, and I almost forgot! A bra!!

Oh, and I might do a painting of my hot dogs.

Noa May 19, 2011 at 4:46 pm

YES, your animals would be saved first. It’s cool, breathe. Firefighters have soft spots for animals–they will save them if you cannot. No worries. But, honestly, I’m worried about what cheese wrangler hot dogs even are.

raccoon. May 18, 2011 at 4:14 pm

What I would *like* to grab-

-my laptop, containing my novel and many other such important things
-my graduation dress (because it took eighty hell-filled hours to find and I look hotter than fuck in that thing)
and my ipod. 120 gigs of heaven.

But what I *would* grab? Probably nothing. I’d be running and screaming and swearing like no tomorrow, and I’d forget all of my bullshit.
Except my spotted dick. I mean, who can’t live without spotted dick?

Noa May 19, 2011 at 4:45 pm

I think Adrian would save the spotted dick in a fire.

geek_chic May 18, 2011 at 4:36 pm

Well, I totally had to make that split second decision, about 14 months ago.

I had enough time and where-with-all to throw on tennis shoes (forgot the socks), ran to the closet, grabbed the first bag I saw, and in the next 45 seconds managed to stuff it full of pictures and hard drives that were in grabbing distance, plus my laptop and an extra t-shirt and pair of jeans. In the moment, I became acutely aware that the rest was just “stuff”.

geek_chic May 18, 2011 at 4:43 pm

Oh, yeah, and I grabbed my book off the nightstand because I totally had the thought “Well, it might take a while to put out this fire. I *might* get bored…” Yup, totally thought that mid-panic. Don’t know whether I should be proud or ashamed.

Noa May 19, 2011 at 4:45 pm

I like your tunnel vision there-in a panic, you remained normal. Even the book-normal. Awesome.

Tova May 18, 2011 at 5:02 pm

the stuff you would save looks like the contents of the boxes that I pack when I procrastinate packing to move. All you need is some change and more broken pens.

In a fire I’d save the cats, the old photo album and the jewelry box with worthless but sentimental inherited things.

And the cake topper from my wedding which my husband bought for me at age 15.
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Noa May 19, 2011 at 4:43 pm

The cake topper thing is adorable. I would save it too.

SassyO May 18, 2011 at 5:37 pm

Y’all, I clearly need to get some sex toys in my life because it NEVER EVEN OCCURRED TO ME that the candle was not – a candle.

So, I think that I will save my kids, my cats, my external hard drive, and my soon-to-be-purchased …. (insert sex toy here)

Noa May 19, 2011 at 4:43 pm

Yeah. I only own candles shaped like dicks. It’s what I do.

Robbie August 15, 2011 at 6:01 am

I suggest the iVibe egg by Doc Johnson. You’ll have just been through a fire and will need something to relax you and release your stress.

sophie May 18, 2011 at 6:14 pm

Holy crap!How crazy can people be? I cannot even grasp the concept of having a painting of a shirt–much less said painting making the cut.

Animals if at all possible (one is a cat and the other is a really stupid dog)
45 year old teddy bear (Lianne and I think alike)

I would be standing outside with all these practical items naked, but my bear is large enough to cover some of me, and perhaps the fucking HOUSE FIRE would distract pervy onlookers.

Noa May 19, 2011 at 4:42 pm

She also describes the painting as, “almost satisfied with.” Then why, ma’am, are you saving it? Thanks for having normal priorities.

Tina May 18, 2011 at 7:04 pm

honestly I would be too freaked out to grab anything, but hypothetically speaking my laptop with accessories already packed in my back pack along with my current book I am reading and current cross stitch and my planner with my phone. My kids are a must and are automatically a given and so are my dogs.. hell they would probably be outside already. My husband can fend for himself.. hell he can stay in the fucking fire for all I care…

Tina May 18, 2011 at 7:53 pm

And I forgot to mention that in the back of my mind I am secretly wondering which one of my spawn set the house on fire or if it was my dippy husband….

Noa May 19, 2011 at 4:35 pm

I would be rekindling my PTSD. Hooray!

Noa May 19, 2011 at 4:41 pm

So many husbands are being left behind! To be fair though, they should be smart enough to run from flames.

Sara May 18, 2011 at 7:25 pm

I must say I am probably going to fail a final because I found your blog. I was clicking around online, procrastinating, and then found it. For the past two hours I’ve been laughing, and thus, with a final in an hour, I haven’t studied. Oh well. I feel much more informed and enthused about life than I would have been from studying though. Cosmo, Men’s Health, your bad driving, I feel like I know you now.

Noa May 19, 2011 at 4:35 pm

I’m so glad I can almost ruin your education! Seriously though, go study. That degree is expensive.

Jessica May 18, 2011 at 9:13 pm

RE: the cat and knife picture…so was the cat an intentional afterthought or a “oh, shit. Damn cat got in my shot!” and then was too lazy to retake the picture because, hell, maybe I *would* save the cat.

Because, really, that entire thought process just shows you how unprepared this dude really is when it comes to a crisis situation.

Noa May 19, 2011 at 4:34 pm

But he’ll have his oar. No boat, but an oar.

Robbie August 15, 2011 at 6:04 am

He has all those knives! He can WHITTLE a boat.

I love coming up with insane reasons they might use to justify the bad choices they make. Have already made, merely by owning some of those items. If you still have the shirt, why on earth do you need a painting of it? Give either the shirt or the painting to Goodwill and be done with it, freak!

Josh September 11, 2011 at 2:36 pm

The knife was a bayonet, kinda looks like the ones used on the M1 garand. It was the standard weapon given to most troops during WWII and the Korean War, likely belonged to his father or grandfather. I have one I was given by my grandfather, and it would be on my list of shit to save if my house was burning.

Jean May 18, 2011 at 9:14 pm

Jane Austen? Unless it’s a signed first addition, that is some serious whatthefuckery going on. If my house burned down, I would grab the dogs, maybe my husband, my purse and a cell phone. With those items, I can defend the burned-out shell of my home from would-be looters, call the police and the fire department and buy new stuff. I’m going to go make a collage now of what I would not take. That’s a more interesting question for me.
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Noa May 19, 2011 at 4:34 pm

You’ve got some big ol’ dogs–you should teach them to grab the shit you need in a fire. Like the Brandy St. Bernards but with less booze.

Rebekah Mae May 18, 2011 at 9:37 pm

My laptop (because it has all of my pictures from Europe and my life in general on it) My sketch books, one of my Venetian masks and this life size black tarnished skull I got from my grandpa.

Noa May 19, 2011 at 4:33 pm

From this quote alone, I’d really like to see what your home decor looks like, because I assume awesome.

Brenna May 18, 2011 at 10:46 pm

Man, that was hilarious!!!!

I’d save my kids, husband, and pets, and my laptop. I’d love pictures and videos but really, I don’t think I’d have time to find them. I’m not that organized.

Noa May 19, 2011 at 4:32 pm

Make your husband find them, since you’re saving everything else in the house including his children.

Rachael May 18, 2011 at 10:53 pm

I think it would depend on the severity of the fire. Like, do I have seconds to get out? Or a few minutes? How fast is it spreading? So I would save (in order of importance): my purse (because it contains my wallet, phone and medications, and it’s nice that it also happens to contain my ipod, mints, hand lotion and some other occasional stuff), my nook e-reader (because it has like 80 books on it), my laptop and wacom tablet (which usually live together), my stuffed animals, and the flowerpot that Amanda Fucking Palmer signed for me when I cooked food for her Cabaret cast.

However, after reading this post, I think I should reassess. In addition to my nook, I will grab my entire giant Ikea bookcase and all the books and ceramic birds that adorn it. I’ll make sure I’m wearing my T-rex slippers. I’ll grab my coloring books and crayons. Ooh, also lingerie and lube! Can’t forget that. And I would have to make sure my boyfriend didn’t forget the 4-year-old bottle of orange soda he bought when he moved into this place. That shit is SENTIMENTAL.
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Noa May 19, 2011 at 4:31 pm


Rachael May 23, 2011 at 6:47 pm

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Rachael May 24, 2011 at 1:47 am

Okay, I thought about it a bit more. I am Rachael. That part should have been evident (to me, I mean). I am also Oh, Rachael or oh_rachael or oh-rachael. And I didn’t mean to steal your name–I mean, the “Oh” in front of it. I discovered you after creating myself. (I mean, I didn’t create myself. That would just be weird. I meant my blog.)

I am probably funny because my dad liked to play catch with me when I was little. I don’t mean “hey kiddo, let’s go outside and toss a baseball around!” sort of catch-with-me. I mean, “Hey cousin! I have a baby and babies are vaguely football shaped! Let us play catch using her as the ball!” sort of catch-with-me.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
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Noa May 24, 2011 at 3:40 pm

I like everything you just said there. All of it. Also like your use of shouty caps lock.

Jessica May 19, 2011 at 4:06 am

LOL! I love the pictures.

And it was HILARIOUS.

And if MY house was on fire, I’d grab my push up bras. And dildo.

Noa May 19, 2011 at 4:28 pm

You’d grab those things, because no matter what, you’re going to look awesome. Glad you enjoyed!

PorkStar May 19, 2011 at 11:13 am

What I would save would be: Laptop, camera, passport, ipad, and two hard drives full of my porn stash. I would rather leave the passport behind than my smut stash.
PorkStar recently posted..Tuesdays Rambling Intercourse- sweet tooth debauchery and pain

Noa May 19, 2011 at 4:15 pm

Gotta save the poontang. It is what it is.

Smart Ass Sara May 19, 2011 at 2:46 pm

Not going to lie, I would bring my vibrator and hope my husband slept through the smoke alarm? And he might because he snores so fucking loudly and I have to be frank- I would run out without waking him up. And in that bag I may have my life insurance policy on him and the house. so I can get my $$ and get my ass to sunny beaches as soon as possible.
Smart Ass Sara recently posted..Im on the verge of insanity At least addiction

Noa May 19, 2011 at 4:13 pm

I’ll be watching the news to see if your home goes up in flames soon, so I can get a cut of the $$.

Jenny May 19, 2011 at 4:20 pm

My son. And if I can catch it on my way out the door, my cat. If my wallet is where it should be by the door, that too. But this is all under the assumption I could get to the fucking door.
Jenny recently posted..Pasting and clipping and identifying naturebooks outdoorfun

Jenny May 19, 2011 at 4:23 pm

Oh, and having lived near the community that suffered through the horrendous Black Saturday firestorm, getting out without even clothes on my back would be a bonus.
Jenny recently posted..Pasting and clipping and identifying naturebooks outdoorfun

Noa May 19, 2011 at 4:51 pm

Yeah, this brings up some bad memories for you, I’m sure. But, in good news, you could just toss your cat out the door. Except for the fact that you live in AUSTRALIA AND AUSTRALIA HATES ALL THINGS WONDERFUL AND IT’S WILDLIFE AND CLIMATE WANTS TO KILL YOU. I think. I’ve never been.

Vinobaby May 19, 2011 at 7:09 pm

Spotted Dick? Really? (I’m actually kinda creeped out that I am typing “spotted dick” twice in one day.)

Buy a firebox. Cheap. Big. Holds most of your most treasured possessions (much like Arnold Schwarzenegger mistress).

Vinobaby recently posted..Wordless Wino Wednesday

Noa May 19, 2011 at 8:18 pm

I have a teeny tiny one. I need a man-sized one like Dick Cheney has.

Satan May 19, 2011 at 10:48 pm

i would save my cats, my laptops, my photos, and ALL of the notebooks i’ve written in – the poetry, the short stories, the good, bad and ugly.

in that order. only the irreplaceable things. the rest is just stuff.
Satan recently posted..cant breathe

Noa May 20, 2011 at 6:49 pm

Stuff is stuff–especially when your ass is on fire. Trust me.

Lori Stefanac (Lola) May 20, 2011 at 9:45 am

OMG, I am laughing so hard right now! What would I save? My favorite child (let them sweat that one out), my photo albums and my computer (only because it has more photos). I might save my dog but it depends on if she’s been upchucking on my carpet recently or not. Then from the safety of the outdoors I’d teach my kids (or favorite kid) the old chant “THE ROOF, THE ROOF, THE ROOF IS ON FIRE….WE DON’T NEED NO WATER LET THE MOTHERFUCKER BURN?” Inappropriate?

Noa May 20, 2011 at 6:45 pm

Did you know there are fire alarms where you can record you own message? Please do that.

Norway August 22, 2011 at 3:11 am

This seems almost as impractical as saving your face cream in a fire.

Clark May 20, 2011 at 2:40 pm

I have been a professional forefighter for 25 years. If you save anything other than yourself, your spouse, your kids and (if they are RIGHT THERE and you can grab them without chasing them all over) your pets, you are an idiot.

Get the fuck out, stay the fuck out, call the professionals.

memsaab May 23, 2011 at 9:54 am

I guess looking at that Burning House page and all those idiots there, I can only be happy that at least if they all get burned up because they are too busy thinking about how to define themselves by the possessions they save, we’ll be thinning the herd.

I would save my dog, period (I have no kids or other pets), and RUN. Someone whose house is not on fire will probably call 911 for me, so I don’t need a phone. And photos aren’t that meaningful if you’re dead either.

Noa May 23, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Yeah, those photos are Evolution at it’s finest. “Oh, it’s good you’ll die in fire, because you’re not even as smart as a dog who would run from the home.” And yeah, good call, your shit doesn’t matter if you’re too dead to own it.

Clark May 20, 2011 at 2:41 pm

That should be FIREfighter. I can’t spell.

Noa May 20, 2011 at 6:43 pm

No worries, I figured that’s what you meant. Glad to hear a real firefighter weigh in that these people are twatwaffles.

Steph May 20, 2011 at 6:35 pm

Can I just say that entire site is offensive as all Hell??!! I would like to make it my personal mission to hunt down each of those morons and slap them, not just once, but twice for good measure. I have no idea how you are able to function after having two fires. After losing everything we owned in one and a not quite 3 year battle with the PTSD that has followed. I am in awe of your ability to be funny after that. I haven’t found my funny since the fire and that site just made my blood boil.
Steph recently posted..Mean Tweens

Noa May 20, 2011 at 6:42 pm

I’m sorry it angered you so! Slap them silly–it’ll make you laugh. I promise.

Steph May 20, 2011 at 7:10 pm

I think I probably overreacted. But I have to say the comments here helped SO much!! I get “art”, I do. But I can show them some pictures of things I WISH I’d been able to save. Sorry to bring down your funny blog with my brand of crazy! I promise to be better on the next post I read and comment on!!
Steph recently posted..Mean Tweens

Amanda May 20, 2011 at 10:31 pm

I’d save the kids and the dogs. The husband can save himself. I’ve taught the boys to say “twatwaffle” and have made them vital to the betterment of the world community.
Amanda recently posted..Funny Thoughts- Musings- and Statements from the Boys

Noa July 21, 2011 at 4:59 pm

I’m so glad they know that word. You’re a good mama.

Charlie May 23, 2011 at 4:34 pm

OMG I laughed so ridiculously hard at this I had to stop halfway to wipe me eyes.

If my house was on fire I’d probably grab my fur-children before anything else. Couldn’t let them die…..I’ve got too much money put into them, lol.

Noa May 24, 2011 at 3:44 pm

The fur children are important–they’re family. The rest you can replace, but I’ll never be able to replace my phone and kit-kat-bar stealing cat.

lauren May 23, 2011 at 10:30 pm

i just checked out that site and someone said they would take their copy of ‘thriller’ on vinyl. i honestly want to skullfuck that person with a rusty chainsaw, because you can find that record at just about every thrift store. in fact, EVERYTHING that person wanted to save reeked of douchebaggery. so here’s the link: http://the-burning-house.com/post/5667650646/emilio-lenzi

i’d save my dog. my husband would find his own way out, and i’d try and bring a pair of clean underwear. i keep my camera and laptop within reach at all times, so i’d probably be able to take those too. but my dog is stupid and would be like, ‘it is hot in here, let’s go play in those big orange things,’ so i’d be spending most of my time making sure he didn’t die.

Noa May 24, 2011 at 3:42 pm

Goddamn THRILLER? Also, his name is Emilio, and I hate that name. So, you know, fuck that guy.

Ashley June 8, 2011 at 5:29 pm

I read this last month and thought it was hillarious. Today, it was put into action. We had a fire alarm go off at work around 11am. I look around for my purse, and glance up to see 6/8 people in the room running to the fridge to grab their lunches. Yes, lunches. In a brown paper sac. I was instantly sent into a pile of giggles with none of the others understanding why. So thank you for making my day a second time with the same post!!

Noa June 8, 2011 at 7:07 pm

I’m glad that in the midst of a disaster, you had enough wits about you to watch your coworker and remember this post. That’s a great survival instinct.

opal June 25, 2011 at 4:46 pm

A couple of years ago idiots set the field next door to us on fire with fireworks and the line of fire came within 30 feet of the house before it was extinguished. I put the dogs and my purse in the car and waited to see if we needed to evacuate. If the same thing happened again, I’d add the laptop but that’s about it. The rest of it can burn.

Noa June 27, 2011 at 12:01 am

The funny part about having been through a fire is that you know exactly what you’d take next time. Sad training program, but effective.

Jaime July 19, 2011 at 9:11 pm

I know that I’m finding this blog kind of late but I actually think that I am going to pee my pants. You, know? I’ve peed my pants so much that I don’t even apologize any more. Thanks for the momentary lapse of reason (yes, I know it is a Pink Floyd song).

Noa July 21, 2011 at 5:51 pm

I’m glad you’re here, late or not, and even more glad I can make you laugh! Also that you quote Pink Floyd. Amazing.

Crickett July 20, 2011 at 4:55 pm

I, too, have lived through a housefire and the resultant PTSD (and now I live in near-rural PA where people burn fucking LEAVES all the time). Mine happened because the doucherocket next door either set fire to his own house or paid a homeless guy to do it. Four days before Christmas. In the middle of the night.

The cats LOVE to be in the car, so when I opened their carry box and said, “Load up, ladies!”, they hopped their fuzzy asses right in. I was in tore up sweatpants and a Dead Kennedy’s shirt, no socks. Stepped into my blown-out Docs, grabbed the phone (remembering to rip the charger out of the wall socket as well, GO ME!) and the messenger bag I’d been using as a purse. The wallet in my work pants? Yeah, forgot that shit. But at least the passport was in the messenger bag! That’s all.

Got out onto the street, called a friend that I was pretty sure would be awake (it was 2:30am), and he said he was on his way and did I need him to bring anything? “Yeah. Couldja? Marshmallows.”

I hope that the cuntwhistle who wants to save his oar really DOES have to deal with this and he DOES save his oar so that I can find him and give him a light tap on the brain with the thing. All my sex toys were in a locked box with a handle (it was covered in faux-fur, though, which melted like fuck), my MAC brush roll and all of my music, and the teddy bear I got the day I was born? GONE. His can shove his oar sideways. And don’t EVEN get me started on the bint with the cast iron fucking skillet. I’m too busy using up my xanax because my coffeemaker decided to signal its unwillingness to perform its duties by pouring acrid electrical-fire smoke out of itself and melting its own plastic casing last week. I’m about out of patience with precious little idiots with a fucked-up sense of what’s valuable.

(P.S. I heart you. Your posts make me weep with laughter.)

Noa July 21, 2011 at 5:57 pm

I heart you, too. Mostly because I’m jealous that your cats are so well trained they leap into their kennels. While my Tobycat leaps in like a jackass and them becomes horrified instantaneously, each time we have to put my black cat in her kennel it’s a guantanamo bay navy seal endeavor that causes lasting psychological damage.

Secondly, that PTSD remains for a while. But, the resulting hyperawareness of fire safety can hardly be called a disorder because if you ask me that shit is USEFUL. Just ask Adrian who never minds checking to make sure everything is unplugged 4-5 times each time we leave the house.

Lastly, because you kept a hell of a sense of humor literally under fire. I salute you.

Crickett July 21, 2011 at 11:06 pm

I have no idea why they like to be in the car so much (well, now it’s just the one, the other had to be put down a couple of years ago), but I can’t really take credit for it. They went on a month-long road trip, for heaven’s sake, and they only time they honked up in the car was in goddamn Indiana (can’t really blame them). They know that crate = car ride. And maybe butterscotch milkshakes. Cats are weird.

My fire was in ’06. I’m only NOW getting to the point where I can smell something burning (the aforementioned leaves, for example) and MAYBE not have a full-on, hyperventilating anxiety attack. The episode with my coffeemaker a couple of weeks ago was a fucking CHALLENGE, let me tell you. The resultant call to the manufacturer’s Consumer Care line may have been entertaining, I don’t know. I was too busy shitting cupcakes when he told me to look on the bottom of the machine for the model number and I had to tell him I couldn’t read the model number because IT WAS MELTED. Still, the nifty party trick of being able to tell when anything at all is on fire or somebody’s grilling within a 5 mile radius with a simple sniff is certainly handy. Not so much fun when one is living in L.A. during wildfire season, though.

I had to keep a sense of humour. Not much alternative, really. The lovely firemen were amazing and fast and doing everything they could, so it was all I could do not to bray hysterical laughter like the world’s grandest asshole when one of them tripped on a sprinkler head and used my lawn for a Slip & Slide. The friend on the phone must’ve been relieved, though, because he replied, “Well, I dunno if 7-11 will have those, but tell [insert male roommate’s name here] that I’ve got a nice hot sausage for him.” I never did get my marshmallows, though.

Bill G. September 10, 2011 at 9:04 pm

I came for the douchrocket and stayed for the cuntwhistle. By the power vested in me by my 4 year old daughter, I declare your post best of the decade (even though it doesn’t end until Dec. 31, 2019).

I have to ask, how the hell did you get your cats to load up in the cat carriers on demand? Gawd, my cats do the opposite. Getting out the cat carriers works brilliantly if I didn’t want to see them for days.

Crickett September 10, 2011 at 9:25 pm

These cats – they’re strange. Bengals. One of them has passed on since (in a non-fire-related issue), but I got them both when they were young and found out that they really like going in the car for rides. We (my ex and I) took them on a month-long road trip, and they LOVED IT. We also didn’t have air conditioning in our apartment, so when it got too hot, we’d all get in the car and drive around in the air conditioning, sometimes stopping at DQ so the humans could have cold treats. (This is when I found out that one of them had a thing for butterscotch milkshakes, because the fuzzy little whore tried to steal mine.) So going in the carrier didn’t necessarily mean, as it does with many cats, going to the vet where it’s cold and they shove things up your butt. It meant seeing and smelling new stuff, and maybe sometimes butterscotch milkshakes.

I am thrilled with this, and am pleased with myself & my ex that we encouraged this behaviour in them, because when push came to shove, they did exactly what I wanted them to do. It’s what kept them alive, I’m pretty sure.
Crickett recently posted..If any show needed a drinking game…

nadine August 2, 2011 at 11:57 pm

what I’d save….

cat, divorce papers (accordian file of all important papers, really), box of pictures, cell phone, oil painting of my favorite shirt (naturally), one can of Pepsi throwback (it’s likely to be hot outside as I watch my home burn down and I’m sure I will be parched).
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Noa August 8, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Good call on the drink! Not something you think about normally, but a good idea.

Emma August 5, 2011 at 3:14 am

My OCD is so happy that you saved the left shoe. The left shoe has to go on before the right shoe. Every time. No matter what. Or else something really bad will happen.

Noa August 8, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Like the house burning down?

Angelina Havermahl August 23, 2011 at 1:34 am

I’d save my cat and the safe, and hopefully already be wearing something decent. Let my clothes burn, the insurance company can buy me all new ones. :)

Noa September 4, 2011 at 12:02 am

They can and do!

Catherine September 1, 2011 at 3:16 pm

Child, husband, pets. The important stuff is in a fire proof safe. All photos are backed up on to a remote drive. The rest of the shit? Yeah, I’d be sad to lose a lifetimes worth of belongings, but better than losing a life.

Noa September 4, 2011 at 12:02 am

Agreed. You’re smarter than everyone on that damn blog. You win.

Kibbler September 10, 2011 at 4:28 pm

Wouldn’t save anything. But I would run to wherever the burning house server is, yank it out of the rack, and run back to my house, my legs shooting high up into the air with each step like a cartoon figure, and then throw the server into the fire.

Noa September 10, 2011 at 5:15 pm

I like your plan. A lot. Mostly because I’d really like to see that run.

Alex September 10, 2011 at 5:03 pm

Testicles, spectacles, wallet and watch. A checklist to live by. And, if necessary, to run away by.

Noa September 10, 2011 at 5:16 pm

Sound advice. I shall locate my testicles, because I do not have them nearby, should I need to escape.

havenoclu September 10, 2011 at 5:09 pm

That “knife” is a bayonet and probably his or her grandfathers from WWII. So I would say it’s more of a sentimental thing.

Noa September 10, 2011 at 5:17 pm

That makes a lot more sense–thank you.

Annearky September 10, 2011 at 5:22 pm

I can just picture that one lady/dude meticulously taking three antique skeleton keys out of their burning Silver Lake abode, painstakingly placing them atop some crappy Goodwill paperback, while giving the fire that dead-eyed expression that says they’re too cool to care about smoke inhalation. Also, this entire post has reminded me that I need to replace my portable hard drive and buy a fireproof safe. Safety!

My things:
Fiance – he can propel himself forward and out of danger on his own legs.
Cats – they would be clawing my face off but I’d deal.
And then if I had time…
A cigar box I have in the office with my passport/extra keys/SS card in it
That filebox next to the cigar box
My hard drive
The necklace fiance sent me from Afghanistan (mostly because it confirms my worth as a 50 goat woman. Long story.)

Noa September 10, 2011 at 10:32 pm

You say 50-Goat woman like it’s something we hear people called every day. Please–expand.

David Wrobleski September 10, 2011 at 5:24 pm

1. Dog
2. 9mm
3. laptop
4. .38 Special
5. Guitar (to sell for quick money)
No insurance because I live in a high risk area for wildfires and insurance companies will not insure renters in this area. Everything else can burn.

Noa September 10, 2011 at 10:32 pm

Is this also your apocalypse list? You’re very dual purpose.

Stef September 10, 2011 at 5:43 pm

1. laptop
2. Gerbil
3. Dog
4. Mom and Dad
5. My medication

Noa September 10, 2011 at 10:33 pm

If trained properly your dog could grab 1/2 your list for you. He carries the gerbil, your gerbil carries your meds. It’s like a teamwork chain of awesome.

John Corcoran Jr. September 10, 2011 at 5:48 pm

I used to be in television news. That’s not bragging, especially if you have ever watched television news. I was an entertainment reporter and critic–which on a newscast is kind of like being a snack bar operator on a Stealth Bomber. Nevertheless when lots of news broke out, I was sometimes drafted into reporting it.

This is why I found myself, after the destructive Malibu/Calabasas fire outside LA, doing a follow up on those most effected by it. I got to choose some subjects, so one group I chose was A Topanga Canyon Nudist Colony. They had been warned they might have to leave in a hurry. No fool I, I asked one lady nudist what she would take if she was forced to leave the nudist colony. I could not use her response on air, but thought you might appreciate it: She said, “Only two things. My Tooth brush and my vibrator.”

This is a practical woman, well grounded. I think you would have liked her.

Funny and useful piece. My suggestion? Leave the cats. Take the Cannoli.

About your tagline: Just hope Moms Mabley’s grandson doesn’t read your stuff.
John Corcoran Jr. recently posted..Our Maine Hurrication (with videos)—Summer, 2011

Noa September 10, 2011 at 10:36 pm

I love every single line of your comment. This is fucking amazing.

Yes, I absolutely would have liked this woman. I also love the visual of thousands of nude people running from a fire wielding sex toys.

Also–Bravo for The Godfather reference.

Carlos Enkiire September 10, 2011 at 5:58 pm

Pants(Generally already contains my leatherman, wallet and keys. My cell phone is usually attached to the belt clip unless it’s charging in which case I’d grab it from the stand next to the door where it charges on my way out the door)
Netbook (Worth way less than my real computer, but has all the same passwords, contacts and stuff on it except games)
Have a travel bag in the trunk with a change of clothes, excepting pants and shoes.

Noa September 10, 2011 at 10:37 pm

Holy shit. You’re the most prepared man I have ever met. You win, my friend.

Non-Crisped Texas Fellow September 10, 2011 at 7:04 pm

I was supposed to mandatory evacuate because of fires Sunday and then again on Monday, but I sorta ignored it, as the fire wasn’t moving in a way it seemed likely to get to my place and my escape road was 180 from the fire…anyway: I already keep a bugout bag ready with food/clothing/first aid/water/ammo so I loaded my favorite arms in the escape vehicle and waited to see. Ended up being safe, as I thought I was.

What surprises me is most people don’t have a bugout bag to begin with. My passport and important papers live in a safety deposit box (in a bank that wasn’t any further than me from burning up) so that’s already pre-taken care of. Not bragging, just don’t understand why people don’t look ahead a bit. If I’d had to go, me and the dog and guns would have been ready to go in a few minutes.

Noa September 10, 2011 at 10:44 pm

It impresses me too. I have a box of things that are necessary to grab, and pretty much everything else can burn.

Those are the people who end up on the news with vibrators and toothbrushes.

Non-Crisped Texas Fellow September 10, 2011 at 7:07 pm

FWIW–One friend and his family loaded up all their vehicles and a couple trailers. They asked me why I wasn’t running around like a headless chicken like them and I said “I have insurance, if it’s immediate danger, it’s not like I’m going to get much packed that isn’t already.” So I’m with you on letting it burn, for the most part.

Noa September 10, 2011 at 10:45 pm

My sister lives in College Station, and she had a similar thought–the insurance will pay out on your stuff, so grab what you need until the insurance pays out.

Steve D September 10, 2011 at 8:12 pm

We were cooking a Thanksgiving turkey in a paper bag once (this was before you could buy special bags) and it caught fire. No biggie. We hustled it to the sink and spritzed it. But my son, who was about 4, had learned in day care that in case of a fire you should get down (not the Motown kind), so he did. But he didn’t realize that you’re supposed to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. Apparently he thought that in a fire you just get down and go about your business. So while we’re dealing with the mini-fire, he’s scuttling about underfoot. Also, he didn’t get down on hands and knees, he kept his legs straight, so he had his butt in the air and looked like an overgrown Daddy Longlegs missing half its legs. You had to be there. Seriously. This account is accurate but doesn’t come close to capturing how weirdly hilarious it was.

Bill G. September 10, 2011 at 8:50 pm

That is absolutely too funny. I have a 4 year old daughter, so I can totally relate to this.

Noa September 10, 2011 at 10:48 pm

That sounds like a Benny Hill montage of fuckery and fire, and has filled my heart with joy.

Darren September 10, 2011 at 8:24 pm

screw it all. I am saving my wife, my dogs and my own sorry ass. if there is time I might put on some clothes, but I wouldn’t count on it. that is why I pay $$$ a month in insurance.

Noa September 10, 2011 at 10:48 pm


Steve D September 10, 2011 at 8:29 pm

Okay, real fire? All my film photos and most of my wife’s are digitally copied on duplicate portable hard drives and are currently in my office at work. I haven’t used film in 10 years. Most everything valuable on our computer is accessible via my office computer. So, wife, passport, cash, car keys, cat and whatever I can grab given where I am and how much time I’ve got.

Just remembered another fire story. A friend lost his house in a fire and I helped with salvage work. When we were done, he said we were welcome to anything still in the house. I saw some books that might be salvageable, rounded them up, and when I got to the back door THEY HAD NAILED ME UP IN THE HOUSE. Edgar Allen Poe would have loved it.

Fire does weird stuff. Much of the damage is from radiant heat, and the air may not even be hot at all. Said friend had a lot of records, all in a big charred cube. I expected them to be one molten glob but when I pried a few apart, the records were completely undamaged. Even the plastic wrap on the albums was intact. Only the outside of the stack was burned. Nearby was a charred table with a charred piece of paper on it. Under the paper, the finish on the table was undamaged.

Noa September 10, 2011 at 10:54 pm

In the second fire, it was hot enough to curl my mattress up into a tiny little ball, but all of my magazines were found in perfect condition 5 feet away.

Fire is a fickle bitch.

Steve D September 11, 2011 at 9:39 am

I’m still nailed up in the burned out house. Send food.

Chiglet September 10, 2011 at 8:42 pm

My boyfriend and my dog.
Everything else that is important is in a fire proof box. I’ll get that after the fire is out.

Every other thing in my house doesn’t matter. As long as I have my boyfriend and my dog.

Noa September 10, 2011 at 10:54 pm

You have your priorities straight.

Frank September 10, 2011 at 8:47 pm

1) If she’s home, make sure wife is aware of fire
2) Grab wallet, keys and cellphone, but they’re on my person unless I’m sleeping.
3) Grab prescriptions (I put them out at a week at a time , so grabbing a couple of day’s worth takes about 2 seconds).
4) Grab laptop and external drive.
5) Grab flashlight and clip to belt if dark out.
6) Inside dogs – let ‘em out on my way out.
7) If time, wife gets the a) pictures/photographs and I get the b) tax records.

Items 2, 3, 4, 5 and 7b are in the same room.

Noa September 10, 2011 at 10:58 pm

I imagine you running into the bathroom while your wife is showering, shouting, “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE, GRAB YOUR SHIT,” and bailing.

And I love it.

Bill G. September 10, 2011 at 8:48 pm

Oh, dear god, I’m breaking my ass laughing. This is too good, where to start….?

Noa September 10, 2011 at 10:58 pm

Bill, dear, you just made my day.

AC September 10, 2011 at 9:00 pm

Your house has burned down before? Twice?

Have you considered the possibility that the structures couldn’t take any more of your crap, and were committing suicide? I suppose it could have been your neighbors, though, too.

Noa September 10, 2011 at 11:00 pm

Wow. Excellent point. Now I know that even my home is judging me.

hey what gives September 10, 2011 at 9:17 pm

(Donning my Captain Obvious hat)

Everyone has different needs. What works for you may not work for someone else.

(Doffing my Captain Obvious hat)

Noa September 10, 2011 at 11:00 pm

This is true. Thank you.

negator September 10, 2011 at 9:29 pm

save the twatwaffle.

Noa September 10, 2011 at 11:01 pm


Jesse September 10, 2011 at 9:35 pm

WTF is wrong with you people…? My house caught fire two years ago last month. Neighbors came over to tell me. MY F’ING HOUSE. ON FIRE. WITH ME IN IT! I found the source of the fire in the attic. It started out as an electrical fire and spread to the insulation and the joists. I put the dogs outside, shut off the power and handed the wife’s cat to the neighbor. I went in the attic with a one quart spray bottle that the wife uses to mist the plants. I PUT THE FIRE OUT MYSELF. Let that shit burn? F’ that. By the time the fire dept showed up the fire was out and I was hauling burnt insulation out. Somedays you got to man up.

Noa September 10, 2011 at 11:02 pm

I wasn’t home for either one of the fires (thank God), and from what I can tell, the people who WERE home at the time made little effort to man up in the way that you did. You fucking win at putting out fires the way most people discipline cats.

Stark September 10, 2011 at 9:55 pm

Two cats, a laptop, and a bottle of pills. Maybe a coke if I have time, because it’ll be fucking hot, but that’s about it.

Noa September 10, 2011 at 11:03 pm

I notice you didn’t specify what type of pills. Will any pills do?

Stark September 24, 2011 at 3:52 pm

Oh, prescriptions for bipolar, depression, and a minor thyroid condition. The kind I can live without, but it would be more than a little unpleasant.

ER September 10, 2011 at 10:21 pm

My cats, rabbit, and handbag. The rest can burn to the ground. The credit card’s in the handbag. I can buy more stuff.

Noa September 10, 2011 at 11:04 pm

And if it’s large enough, all can be carried within the handbag.

Chris September 10, 2011 at 10:22 pm

Nobody will notice this i’m sure, theres already so many comments; I agree with the poster about how ridiculous this is, except for the comment about the knife: i have a knife that i’ve had since i was 14 (i’m in my 30s now), i’ve lost it twice and got it back (was stolen once, even, and i retrieved it). It has as much sentimental value to me as the photographs and other personal items I would include in my list. Some of the odd items in the above photos might have a deeper meaning than we se.

Noa September 10, 2011 at 11:06 pm

Of course I notice, BECAUSE I CARE. And yes, I do logically understand that most of what these people have chosen is sentimental, and the things that I miss from my homes burning is sentimental: the quilt my great grandmother made, a painting my grandmother did. Someone pointed out to me earlier that one of those knives is a bayonet from a WWII gun, which makes a lot more sense. Save that knife, you crazy mofo, because I’ll probably save my wedding shoes, too.

sultros September 10, 2011 at 10:45 pm

A few days ago, I actually had to make this choice, thanks to the wildfires in TX

I chose my desktop, my NAS (has all backups and years of data), my backpack with clothes, and a few random things. Also grabbed the cats. Luckily I had a box with a few things sitting there so I grabbed the box.

Noa September 10, 2011 at 11:08 pm

I have been seeing all the smoke from down there–I’m so sorry y’all have to make that choice. I hope everything is okay, and that it continues to improve. You’re in my thoughts.

sultros September 21, 2011 at 12:34 pm

Turns out we were out a week and we got back last week. No damage here but there were some a few miles from here that lost everything. Bastrop got it much much worse that we did but still, my thoughts go out to those who lost everything. Most of the homes in this area sit on acres of land, acres that are now wiped out. There is some good news, though. Alot of the wildfires out here burned all the brush out of the woods which is something that needed to be done anyway. The white man is still having to learn about forest and natural management. Look at yellowstone as an example of how ignorant we are. Michael Crichton gave a speech about it back in 05 and its totally worth a read. Simple solutions to complex problems dont work.

Kimmy September 10, 2011 at 11:00 pm

I’d save what breathes. The kids, the cage-bound rabbit and bird, and if my husband doesn’t wake up on his own I’d wake him up painfully. I can’t carry a cage and kids.
Our safe is fire resistent, and next to a metal box full of bullets. I’m not going in there for that!

Noa September 10, 2011 at 11:09 pm

That’s a good general rule for all emergencies: save what breathes, avoid the bullets.

Nopn-Crispy Texan September 11, 2011 at 10:11 am

Nah, screw that. You need ammo too. Arms are good for running off looters, plus, with ammo you can get free stuff from the looter kids families to replace anything they took! “I’d like my air compressor back and I think you look to be owing me a lot of consumer electronics…I suggest you start loading that stuff in my truck and take this as a lesson in why you shouldn’t have been over at my place during a fire.”

Noa September 11, 2011 at 12:46 pm

Goddamn it I love Texans.

sultros September 21, 2011 at 12:36 pm

You are why I stay in Texas. Would love to have you as a neighbor. No looting out here at all, thanks to local law enforcement setting up strict road blocks.

Bill G. September 10, 2011 at 11:28 pm

A frying pan? Don’t people realize that it’s a fucking solid piece of steel that has a 99.9999% chance of surviving the fire? And if it doesn’t, you’re out $8.00.

Noa September 11, 2011 at 12:47 pm

My point exactly.

Bill G. September 11, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Incredible. As for the owner of the paddle: he/she had better be living on an island and their only transportation to mainland civilization is by canoe.

Noa September 12, 2011 at 10:13 am

You and I both know that fucker’s from Brooklyn.

Bill G. December 8, 2011 at 6:55 pm

YUP! Not only do you have to save that paddle, you gotta save that book ABOUT paddles. Mr. L.L. Bean needs to get a fuckin’ life.

Ramab Ramab September 10, 2011 at 11:45 pm

In a Michael Bay style fire, I’d be content to just grab the laptop and some sketches before the whole place explodes in a giant fireball. But in your more typical, slow burn, suburban house fire, I would seriously consider running back in to rescue the vinyl. Yeah, it’s theoretically replaceable, but replacement would entail months upon months of going through online auction listings and calling up obscure UK retailers to pay $50 for a single, then hit my chargeback limit when shit gets “lost in transit.”

Noa September 12, 2011 at 10:14 am

I think you’d be surprised just how quickly ordinary suburban homes can burn. Those fuckers can go up quickly–especially considering that we live in the South and have, at any given time, 40 gallons of hairspray around.

You may or may not have this same issue.

Nathan Lee September 11, 2011 at 12:54 am

Found this article on Fark.com. HI FARKERS :D :D :D :D

Anyways, would let most of my stuff burn, even my expensive firearms and fountain pens. Insurance would cover their loss. All of my important documents and articles are in an secure locked aluminium briefcase. If a fire broke out, It’s something I’d simply chuck it out the window and get out of the house.

Noa September 12, 2011 at 10:15 am

You are the first one to bring up tossing shit out the window, and that’s pretty shocking because that’s the best possible plan. Toss that shit out–it’ll survive, and then you can escape right after it.

Iosaef the Irascible September 11, 2011 at 1:55 am

That was precisely the reaction I had to the same article. Living in an area where a 34,000 acre fire just displaced thousands of people and left many hundreds tragically homeless, my car was packed with what I considered essentials in the case I was evacuated (I was not, thankfully):

* One box of paperwork (titles, deeds, identification, etc),
* Three sleeping bags for all of us, and three changes of clothes each,
* A backpack containing my family photos, irreplaceable sentimental possessions,
* and a tiny portable USB drive containing my data (financial and otherwise).

Aside from a case of water and a first aid kit in the trunk, that was it.

I am one of the fortunate ones in that not only was I prepared, I also ended up not losing my home to the firestorm that took out a large portion of the county.

I learned what was truly important to me, and it wasn’t the few possessions I had prepared to save. But enough of that.

“This is such a motley collection of twatwaffle that I can hardly contain my rage.”

You have made my day, and my week, with that one statement. Thank you.

Noa September 12, 2011 at 10:18 am

Why thank you.

It always seems like the people who are most prepared in natural disasters tend to be the ones who don’t lose their shit. It’s a weird paradox.

HQD September 11, 2011 at 2:56 am

My little Jack backpack (seriously: it is a backpack shaped like Jack Skellington’s head), because it holds my essentials: phone, wallet, the only books I read constantly, two notebooks of various important information and drawings which cannot be replaced. Everything of importance is right there.

If possible, I would also grab my hard drive and my thumb drive, the laptop I use, and the small box of comics I have. Mock that last one if you want, but some are harder to track down and replace.

Noa September 12, 2011 at 10:19 am

Make sure all of those items are on your path out the door. You’ll get ‘em all.

James September 11, 2011 at 7:31 am

My computer and one photo album. Oddly, the firefighters will find the cats nailed down inside a closet.

Noa September 12, 2011 at 10:20 am

Those silly cats with their tiny hammers.

Karen September 11, 2011 at 7:35 am

I’d probably just get out. I have nothing that isn’t replaceable, don’t even have a dog, child, not even a goldfish. MIGHT grab some clothes, (depending on the time of day, I might be strutting around naked). If my ID was handy, I’d probably grab that, just so I at least had proof of who I was. If it wasn’t readily available, tough shit. It’s gonna burn along with everything else. Everything is replaceable, except for lives. and if it isn’t replaceable, you will at least have the memories of it. Life WILL go on without your iPhone… contrary to popular belief.

(ps-love the use of twatwaffle. that made my morning. thank you)
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Noa September 12, 2011 at 10:21 am

You’ll miss the ID if you don’t grab it. If you can’t, you can replace it, but it really blows to do anything without identification.

And thank you!

Jim from Geneva September 11, 2011 at 8:07 am

Noa, I’m lucky that I don’t live anywhere near a wildfire area like those poor folks in Texas (shout out to you all!). My neighbours aren’t pyromaniacs and my roof tiles won’t burn.

But I remember enough from my Boy Scouts Firemanship merit badge to have a healthy fear of fire and a healthier respect and thanks for firefighters.

This topic was very much food for thought. Thanks to you and all the posters.

“Assayed and found to be 99 and 44/100ths percent free of twatwaffle”

Noa September 12, 2011 at 10:22 am

Having normal neighbors is half the disaster battle. You win at life.

Jaye September 11, 2011 at 8:51 am

Yep, you’ve been Farked. You are hilarious! I am adding you to my favorites and I will read you faithfully from now to eternity.

As with most, I’d gather the breathers and get out. I’d grab the laptop on the way if possible, but the four footers get first priority (I’m the only twolegger at this time). No twatwafflery here, by God!

This reminds me I need to move faster digitizing the family photos, some of which are now over 100 years old and obviously irreplaceable once gone.

Noa September 12, 2011 at 10:23 am

YES. Digitize those bitches, and store them in a safe place.

And thank you–I’m so glad you enjoy.

Chewie September 11, 2011 at 10:15 am

My cats and myself.

If I could save anything else, my laptop and my nook…though those are replaceable.

Noa September 12, 2011 at 10:23 am

I learned through the comments here that cats will hide in a fire, but dogs will run. Good call to grab the cats.

sarah September 11, 2011 at 10:17 am

In the event of a fire, material posessions take a back seat to the living inhabitants of the house. I’d save my family, everything else is secondary. It’s sad to see stuff you worked so hard to buy go up in flames, but they’re just things, and you can’t take them with you when you die.

Noa September 12, 2011 at 10:24 am

It does suck for a while to not have all of your things around you–it’s a very disconcerting feeling, but you’re right. They are all replaceable. People are not.

NotWaffle September 11, 2011 at 10:43 am

Well all the non-sentimental stuff (birth certificates, passports, deed, insurance info) is in my fireproof safe which promised to survive all but a direct hit by a jetliner. So the next day I’ll just pick thru the rubble to it (it sits on ground floor as per the directions so it doesn’t fall thru the ceiling and kill the nice firefighter trying to save my other stuff). So in order, my child, my hubby, hmmm, after that nothing really maybe family photo albums and maybe the cats if either ones are on my way to the door – after that exactly nothing. Material items can always be replaced.

Noa September 12, 2011 at 10:25 am

I really hope you never have your home destroyed by a jetliner. Then you’re fucked.

NotWaffle September 11, 2011 at 10:45 am

BTW, that was an unintentional 9/11 reference above – my apologies if anyone was offended. I just realized that given today’s date my levity my be misconstrued.

Noa September 12, 2011 at 10:25 am

I didn’t even notice. But then again, I don’t have a soul.

Dana September 11, 2011 at 11:54 am

See, my family’s house burned down three times before I was 20. I KNOW this list. I wasn’t home any of the three times it burned down, and only once was it our fault. I’m used to “fire sale” having a VERY DIFFERENT meaning than it does for most people.

My thoughts on the people who claim they’d grab their human family members is thus: If you are mobile and flammable, I do not need to grab you. Now, the pets probably need to get rounded up, but they’ll need only minimal wrangling if you show them a door and there’s an inferno behind them.

The things you save? Whatever the hell is on you at the time. You don’t save pictures. Sorry, but the eighteen photos of you with bunny ears on whoever was closest are just going to have to be lost to the ashes. Self-preservation changes the equation every time. That’s because we’ve evolved over many, many millennia to GTFO when there’s hotness all around us (unless we plan on connecting genitalia to the hotness… also evolved into our collective psyche).

Just be comforted, Noa, at the thought that most of these people, were they actually aflame, would save none of these things. At best, they’d save their own skins, or they’d save nothing at all.

Noa September 12, 2011 at 10:27 am

I love that you brought up the mobile and flammable aspect. Aside from me shouting, “THERE IS A FIRE GET YOUR ASS OUTSIDE,” I’m not going to make special effort to save you.

I will never forget when the firefighters from the first house tried to save the 3 clownfish we had. One tried to give CPR to them, and all I could think was, “There’s a lot of other things I wished you’d have done in lieu of saving the fish. Like my house.”

Chuck September 11, 2011 at 3:48 pm

RE: “Sweet Jesus, look at your knife”
I might not be the first one to point this out to you, but that isn’t a knife, it’s a bayonet. Specifically, an M-7 bayonet, which was designed to fit the M-16 battle rifle. It’s possible that it’d have personal sentimental value, if the owner’s father had carried it in Vietnam or something.
The canoe paddle, on the other hand… yeah, I don’t quite fathom what’s up with *that*.

Noa September 12, 2011 at 10:28 am

Someone did point that out a bit earlier, so I’m giving a pass on that one, because I’d save it too. Now I just wonder who owned that paddle–was it used in Deliverance?

Myth September 16, 2011 at 10:04 pm

If my house caught on fire I would grab only three things: my cell phone, a bra, and my medicine. I do not want to be standing around with my tits hanging out in front of all the firemen (and if I was at home, I would not be wearing a bra to begin with because those things are not comfortable), and if I must see my house burn down with all my cool shit inside it, I better have my Xanax because if I’m not doped up to hell and back, I am probably freaking out.

I would want to save more stuff, but quite frankly all my nice things are fucking heavy. I am five-foot-one and chronically ill; if my stuff doesn’t grow legs and walk itself out the door, it isn’t going anywhere, because I can’t carry it. And my cats spend two hours a day indoors, tops, so if they’re not already outside they’re on their own too; I’d be lucky if I could find them, assuming I even knew they were in the house.

Noa September 17, 2011 at 12:48 am

As long as you have insurance and xanax, you’ll be cool.

refriedgringo September 19, 2011 at 6:40 am

I’d grab my wife and my kid. That’s out of guilt, though. And a change of underwear, guessing I’d be needing that after coming close to getting the shit burned out of me. And a radio. I’d need a radio so I could listen to the reports of the tragic house fire. The dog can fend for himself, the fucking freeloading bastard. Yep, that’s about it.
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Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:02 am

All you need to do is warn your wife and kid–as a commenter said so excellently above, “If you are mobile and flammable, I do not have to carry you out.”

And good call on the underpants–you’d miss those bitches.

Lori September 23, 2011 at 7:35 am

This happened to me when I was a junior in HS. I don’t want to date myself but there were NO CELL PHONES or other personal electronics. When I woke up in a smoke-filled house with my step-father screaming nonsensically and running around half-naked (a trauma all by itself) I didn’t think about what to save but who. My mom worked nights, leaving my brothers and I with the step-father. If I remember right he was carrying the middle brother (about 5 or 6 then). The older brother (maybe 12?) was trapped in his room at the back of the house. The baby, they tell me, was already gone by then. I can’t say I remember this part except for the wet grass under my bare feet. I somehow got around behind the house outside my brothers’ room and I pulled the one who was trapped out of the bedroom through a porthole window above his bed. The rest of that night is just a blur. If it happened again, I HOPE I’d have the presence of mind to grab at least my cell phone and keys but I’d be happy to get the dogs and cat out.

Noa October 3, 2011 at 6:24 pm

Again I say, if you train ‘em right, your animals will help grab all your shit!

Dana the Biped November 18, 2011 at 3:24 pm

Well, I’d save The Puff, of course. Dogs on three legs can’t run down stairs to begin with. Stairs on fire? Hardly. I’d save my phone, because otherwise how would I call my mother to freak out? I’d save my little packet of memory sticks, because otherwise I’d lose my manuscripts and about thirty thousand hours of work. I’d probably wake up The Squeeze, too. I wouldn’t have to worry about the cat. Bitch would be gone long before I even knew something was wrong.
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Noa November 21, 2011 at 3:24 pm

I feel like you should train your dog to grab your memory sticks to save you some time.

Also, I’m OCD, so please disregard what I say.

Mayor Gia December 26, 2011 at 4:44 pm

I know this is old now, but I have to chime in: My cell, macbook, ipod, wallet, and one old stuffed animal that has a ridiculous amount of sentimental value. It’s a short list, because my macbook is worth more than everything else I own, combined.

I’m surprised no one took a picture of like, their baby. I guess its not hipstery enough.
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Noa December 26, 2011 at 5:17 pm

Babies are too mainstream.

Parental Parody January 3, 2012 at 7:23 pm

I know I’m super late to the party. I’ve just found you via the awesome Woogsworld here in Aus. My humble apologies for living under a rock (or pile of children) and taking so long to come to the light of awesomeness that is your humour.

I’d take the laptop, the cell phone, the car keys and the Vodka (in the interest of removing flamable items…of course), and then the kids – if I had room to carry them. Otherwise I’d just scream “JUMP!” as I ran past their bedrooms. They are all on the 1st floor. I should invest in a bouncy castle, just in case it ever happens and they need something to land on.

The husband would already be outside cradling his bloody television. He’d only run inside when he realised he’d forgotten the remote control and the cable box. And maybe his $9.95 football team coffee mug.

I may or may not lock the door behind him when he goes back inside for the 2nd time to save his coffee mug over my jewellery, little black dress, or the kids.

Noa January 3, 2012 at 8:40 pm

1. thankyouthankyouthankyou

2. When things burn down in Australia, does Gandalf come to fix it?

Parental Parody January 6, 2012 at 2:12 am

Probably, which explains why we have a lot of devestating fires.
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Marina March 11, 2012 at 7:49 pm

I dunno if you still check on these comments, but I went to the site for the Burning House Project and found this.


What is this person thinking? “My fucking house is on fire. Better grab my giant pink dead bird.”
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Noa March 16, 2012 at 1:19 am

And also, my slippers. Can’t fucking forget my slippers.

What. The fuck.

Jaime July 18, 2012 at 8:01 pm

I have those EXACT SAME FLIP FLOPS… I knew we were meant to be best friends.
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Laura Bergells December 30, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Honestly? I think I would just run the hell out, without even thinking about grabbing anything.

Not because I’m some kind of superior being that is so spiritual that I don’t care about things.

No, it’s because I’m a giant coward. One whiff of smoke, and I’d be out the nearest exit like a shot. I don’t even think I’d have the presence of mind to grab anything on my way out. I’m really that much of a chickenshit.

Hopefully, my screeching and running would alert the family members that something is amiss, and they’ll get out OK.

Kari December 30, 2012 at 7:12 pm

I’m gonna go back and read all the comments cus they are quite awesome but massive. However, had to throw my own in there…my best friend’s brother’s house burned to the ground in November. People react totally fucking stupidly. To their credit, they were asleep, and frankly lucky to be alive, but still…human nature is mildly retarded. If it were me – and I suspect I’d simply run out screaming, and do nothing – I’d try for child and cats (though I really hate the cats, but can’t be plain mean), followed by important docs in semi-safe, wallets, the zip drives of our pictures, and the sad, sad, attempts at manuscripts I have that probably started the fire in the first place. And then maybe small child’s toys, since we have about forty thousand invested in Legos. Love your work!

Melodie February 7, 2013 at 11:22 am

New reader and I must say, your posts and the comments that go with them are pretty hilarious. XD

Being 19 and living with the ‘rents, I have no kids to scruff ‘n throw, but I’ve been thinking as I read through the comments and I think it’d be something like this:

At Mom’s house- phone, keys, wallet (I constantly check that they’re on me when I’m out of the house because I keep them in my pockets since I’m not reponsible enough for a purse because I hoard shit), because keys and wallet are always right next to each other and my phone’s always on hand. Otherwise, grab the cat (who’d probably bite me for saving her), and that’s it.

At Dad’s house- all things considered, I’d probably run down the stairs, and out the of the house, calling for my Dad’s dogs to follow. Bella would, and she’d stay where I put her once we were outside, but Buddy would hide under the bed and I probably wouldn’t be able to grab him. Also, if possible I would grab my Dad’s shotgun (we live in Texas); not for any practical purpose, but just because I think it’s cool that he has a pump-action shotgun.

So yeah. I’d be super upset since my sewing room happens to be at my Dad’s house and I’ve got around $500 worth of material in there. But I’m a pragmatist at heart. That shit can be replaced.

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RedandHowling November 7, 2013 at 3:08 pm

I wouldn’t save anything, but my dog and I’d look upon this as a great excuse to power-shop for ALL new things! I’d be giddy going through the stores as memories of crap gifts that I felt obligated to keep were now ashes in the wind.
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