I Helped Lead A William Wallace Revolt Today

05/30/2011 · 61 comments

in Adrian, How Did My Life Come To This, I'm A Terrible Person, Social Services, What Is Wrong With You?

Once again, I have set my expectations of a holiday weekend to heights that are completely unattainable for the level of what-the-fuck that occurs in my daily life. It was this hope and this desire for a good weekend and the annoyingly shitty events that followed that led me to help organize a William Wallace Revolt today.

Day 1: The Wax Museum

I WANTED TO GO SEE IT. You can stop being all Judgey McJudgerson now.

I did not realize just how fucking weird it would turn out to be.

Reagan is watching you pee.

Halfway through the Hall of Presidents, we noticed that 2 girls, maybe 12 years old, were following us. Not even that–one was damn near riding on my shoulders.

Noa: “Is everything okay?”
Girls: “We’rekindoffreakedoutbecauseourmomisn’thereandthere’sascarymuseum–”
Noa: “Whoa whoa. Slow down. What’s going on?”
Girls: “There’s a museum of scary movies up ahead and we’re here alone and we’re scared.”
Noa: “OH. You want to go with us? Is that it? Okay. That’s cool.”

That makes so much more sense, because for a while, I thought they were scouting us for drug mules and that was kind of freaking me out. And who trains a 12 year old to do that? An asshat. That’s who. And they did not have an asshat escort.

So we pressed on for a while.

The Ho-Prah to a surprisingly thin Oprah

My hair is in a bun, to be clear.

Let's Face It. Ron Deserved it.

And I punched some gingers in the face. And to be clear, yeah, I really am so pasty-white that I glow under lights.

Belle Starr, Tit Feeler

And I learned that even wax dummies can still want to feel sexy.

And then we arrived at the Museum of Fear. Feeling rather motherly and badass all at the same time, I had Adrian walk ahead, the girls follow, and I followed them, like a cage of awesome. The girls were terrified, until they realized that they did not recognize even one movie in the entire display.

Girls: “Who is that guy?”
Adrian: “Hannibal Lecter.”
Girls: “Who?”
Adrian: “He’s in a movie you shouldn’t be watching yet.”

Girls: “Why is that guy all cut up?”
Adrian: “That’s Freddie Kreuger. He was burned.”
Girls: “Why?”
Noa: “What, seriously? You guys don’t know Freddie Kreuger?”

Girls: “OHMYGODAROBOT.”
Noa: “That’s Terminator. Really? Arnold Schwarzenegger? Hasta la Vista?”

And on it went. Through Frankenstein, through Phantom of the Opera, through Leatherface, through Alien and Predator. Good Lord, I have never felt older in my entire life than that sad 1/2 hour spent in the dark amongst mannequins.

It was the first of several biting annoyances.

Day 2: The Safari Park

Today–this most exciting of days–we were headed to FOSSIL RIM MOTHERFUCKERS. The land of Giraffe Feeding and Dinosaurs and all kinds of awesome. I was jazzed–this was going to be so much better than yesterday. Today would be the redemption.

And for the first 1/2 hour, it was everything I could ever hope for.

HOLY GOD WOW.

Not taken with a zoom. After that encounter, I was fully sure that giraffes could fulfill my every wish. And that’s the absolute last time the tour was okay at all.

We soon realized we were booked on the tour with the John Madden of Safari Tour Directors, pointing out ever more weird and uninteresting facts in greater and greater numbers while never realizing that the microphone worked only 1/2 the time.

We were introduced to the caged cheetahs for 30 minutes in the sun with a bus full of toddlers.
Then to the first type of deer.
Then the second. Then, another. And yet another type of deer.
And then the Ostrich. The tour director, in all seriousness, called the ostrich the, “Terrorist of the Animal Kingdom.”

The Terror Beast Is Watching Me.

By this time, we have reached 2 hours in 100 degree weather in a bus full of toddlers at noon and we are not even close to the finish line, and the scary goddamn ostriches are following us.

Luckily, there were now 17 slow-moving cars in front of said bus who were endlessly fascinated with staring at fucking grass.

When trapped in the sun in a bus with nightmare creatures circling in on me, it’s hard for me not to revert into survival mode, in which I will stab anyone in my way to get off that goddamn bus and back to a water fountain.

My mind began concocting plans for the apocalyptic meltdown that was very soon to occur. Who would I shank? Who would I save? What animals could I quickly domesticate in my pursuit of freedom? Would it be okay to ride an emu? Where could I find some war paint? I was going to lead these people to their freedom from a zebra-striped hell.

“There’s a broom just hanging right there…and this bus is open-topped. I could absolutely javelin this fucker into a couple of sunroofs.”
“Wait, didn’t wildebeests kill Mufasa? ISN’T IT REASONABLE TO ASSUME THEY WOULD DO THE SAME TO TOURISTS?”
“Just…we just need to start throwing food into the sunroofs of these bastards and then they’ll be swamped and carried away by the herds.”

And at that moment, I witnessed the most spectacular thing I have ever seen–the revolt in action. First it was one parent, then several, then other tourists, who began to toss food into and at the cars of slow-moving vehicles, bogging them down in the most boring areas of the compound with the sweet smell of revenge. It was the safari revolution of the tired-toddler-parents, and it was majestic.

We arrived at the gate 10 minutes later.

They could to take our money, but they could never take our desire for vigilante safari justice.

Ever been on a bullshit tour?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Johi: “I’m glad that she doesn’t live in my town because I might *accidentally* stalk her, hoping that some of her funny can be absorbed through osmosis.”
Shane May 30, 2011 at 4:14 am

You glow girl! My daughter does that, too. I just look pasty. Good job educating the young ‘uns. You want to feel old, talk to people five years younger than you about their taste in music.

No funny comments for me today. I’m all coffee’d out, and no holiday for me, either. Goddman socialists.

Noa May 31, 2011 at 2:02 pm

HAHA YOU LIVE IN EUROPE WHERE IT WILL EAT AWAY AT YOUR SOUL BUT DAMN THE BEER’S GOOD. Sorry. Had to do it. My Husband’s entire family is from Europe, and they share the sentiment.

And yeah, I’m that pasty. I can’t tan, I burn and turn white again. But I’m not a ginger, at least, so I have to show them who’s the leader of the pasty pack.

Julia Johnston May 30, 2011 at 5:56 am

You know what is super awesome?? Your not any taller then the 12 year old wax versions of Harry Potter and his gang!… Don’t worry I am shorter then they are but its good not to be so alone! :)

And safari hell…ya we have one here too…its called the African Lion Saffari…and you wont catch me in there ever! The end..

Noa May 31, 2011 at 6:08 pm

Being short is awesome, because then you are at optimal punch-level with teenagers.

Johi May 30, 2011 at 7:05 am

I lived in Estes Park, CO for many years where tourists will screech to a stop on a 40 mph road to look at a fucking chipmunk. Or a pinecone. Lord help us all when the elk herd was grazing along the highway. Time to pitch a tent and roast some marshmallows…. That is why this line is my favorite in today’s post: “Luckily, there were now 17 slow-moving cars in front of said bus who were endlessly fascinated with staring at fucking grass.”

And thanks for liking my comment! Now I officially feel like someone is listening to me! Don’t worry, my husband and children will be awake soon to destroy that illusion.
Johi recently posted..Im not ready

Noa May 31, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Oh Estes Park. I lived very close to Estes for many years, and I can understand your pain. Estes is the mountains for pussies, AND it’s got the Stanley, so it’s just packed full of a-hole tourists who have no idea how to function on a city plan that had to be laid around mountains. And yes, we listen to you. It’s a club full of fucked-up people, and it’s awesome.

Brandi May 30, 2011 at 7:35 am

This is exactly why I never take my kids anywhere “fun.” I know it won’t really be fun, and I’ll end up trapped in a 100 degree safari bus staring at grass with my obnoxious kids.
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Noa May 31, 2011 at 1:59 pm

I can only imagine that all these parents that say, “it’s such an enriching activity for my child. I can’t wait to see their faces light up,” are just big fucking liars, because all those “kid friendly” places are just dirty shitholes. You’re my kind of mom, Brandi.

Christina May 30, 2011 at 9:32 am

It totally looks like wax Oprah is copping a boob squeeze in that photo.

Noa May 31, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Oh my God. It totally does. I never realized that.

Norway June 6, 2011 at 9:23 pm

Dang. You even look approproately surprised. I’m pretty sure this is why the Bloggess blocked Oprah on Twitter. She’s just looking out for you.

Noa June 7, 2011 at 12:41 am

Oprah is kind of a bitch. The Bloggess is a good woman.

Andi May 30, 2011 at 9:35 am

Wasn’t it Jerry Seinfeld who said, “There is no such thing as fun for the WHOLE family?” Truer words were never spoken. Of course, I was the child who passionately loathed any attempts at camp or school to rope me into group activities. No, I will not enjoy it. Shut up and leave me alone.

At least now that I have one teen, we can commiserate. Last school holiday, I took the kids to see Gnomeo and Juliet. Essentially Romeo and Juliet, with gnomes. At the end of the movie, the two youngest were vibrating with enthusiasm. Oldest looked me straight in the eye and said, “You owe me for this.” I said, “That’s ok. I owe myself too.”

And now I kind of want to take my kids to a wax museum.
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Noa May 31, 2011 at 1:57 pm

The fear museum is really an excellent place to take them because while you know nothing is going to jump out at you, they sure as hell don’t. “OH MY GOD I JUST SAW THE VAMPIRE BLINK. OH NO IS THE WOLFMAN BREATHING?”

Your oldest deserves to be there, sharing in the joy that is terrifying others.

Margaret Goerig May 30, 2011 at 10:11 am

Are you sure you’re going to have fun at Disney World?
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Noa May 31, 2011 at 1:56 pm

There’s a really good chance that I won’t. (This comment had me laughing my ass off, by the way. Thank you)

Margaret Goerig May 31, 2011 at 5:40 pm

: ) Honored to return the favor.
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The Onion May 30, 2011 at 10:35 am

I love the Giraffe photo. So close! This is one of my favorite commercials, wouldn’t this be perfect? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rkB9OT2XVvA

I live in Wyoming near Mt. Rushmore, Devil’s Tower and the many tourist traps that accompany it. Too many trips as a child trapped in a car, squinting and straining to see a bear at Bear Country in August have done me in. Ugh.

Noa May 31, 2011 at 1:55 pm

There’s no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a baby-sized giraffe to call my very own.

And DEAR GOD MT. RUSHMORE IS REALLY FUCKING BORING. I went in high school, and also to crazy horse, and it was just awful. I hate to say it, but yeah, not that great. I’m sorry you have to live close to that.

Norway June 6, 2011 at 9:25 pm

If you find a baby giraffe dealer, give me his number. Please. I would name him Earl, and we would be great friends.

Dear Sweet Mama May 30, 2011 at 11:14 am

Remember taking Hoody and my DSM to a wax museum in Tennessee. My mom was about 1/2 blind and Hoody about 3 and struck with the extreme terrors. Trying to get the both of them out was a wild and exhausting trip – i finally forced my way back because the terrors we had seen were less than the terrors ahead. And then there was the animal park with my sister, bother in law, little Hoody and her cousin Danger Zone (known as that because it was the only song he played that whole summer). The monkeys attacked our car. Actually quite funny, since it was my sister’s car. A monkey handler had to get them off of us so we could get out of the park. We must have been emitting monkey pheremones.

hoodyhoo May 31, 2011 at 6:07 am

I’m STILL terrified of wax museums — you scarred me for LIFE! : ) And you forgot about the bird at the Bronx Zoo who wanted to be my “special friend…”
hoodyhoo recently posted..I Am Iron Man!

Noa May 31, 2011 at 1:54 pm

DEAR SWEET MAMA YOU’RE BACK! I love that you tell all these embarrassing fucking stories about Hoody in my comments and there’s really dick she can do about it. Keep it up. And you’re literally the only people I know who have such weird encounters with animals, and Grace is a vet who was once bitten on the face by a pelican.

Dear Sweet Mama May 31, 2011 at 7:51 pm

Hmmm – I also just remembered the time we took the Girl Scouts to the Cincinnati Zoo and it was breeding season in the monkey house. OMG – hold hands and cover your eyes girls, we’re gettin outta here!!

Noa May 31, 2011 at 10:07 pm

Oh Lord, DSM. You’re fantastic.

hoodyhoo June 1, 2011 at 6:15 am

the scarring, the scarring…
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SassyO May 30, 2011 at 11:39 am

Giraffes have inordinately long tongues!

When my kids were younger (in retrospect, FAR TOO YOUNG) I took them to the “Wild Animal Safari” on the outskirts of Atlanta.

You cannot ride your own car through the “safari.” You get a ramshackle van with permanently open windows, no back seats or seat belts, and absolutely no air conditioning that you drive through the park.

The animals stick their heads and tongues into the car with you! My children (and my friend Stephanie, who was with me) were all terrified and screaming. They threw all our food out of the windows in a matter of moments in a desperate bid to become less interesting to the hundreds of hungry animals.

I admit that I *did* laugh at them. A little.

But then my goal was just to get to the finish line, a prospect made more difficult by the hordes of cattle on the “road” and the strangely vicious and slobbery zebras. Not to mention the 15 mph maximum speed that the dilapidated van could obtain.

We survived, though Stephanie’s pants were covered in zebra slobber. Much to her chagrin.

And we never went back there again.

(BTW, there’s a lovely little zoo in Richmond, VA that has a giraffe feeding station. It is singularly delightful and will make you feel that All is Right with the World.)

Noa May 31, 2011 at 1:52 pm

Zebras are fucking terrible. They’re all pretty and you think they’ll be all horse-like and sweet but really they’re just the worst animals ever outside of honey badgers. It seems like the consensus is clear: Safari Parks blow.

Rachael May 30, 2011 at 2:40 pm

Oh my god the giraffe. I once deduced that giraffes’ necks are entirely too long for me to be able to fully appreciate them as animals. I mean, I guess I can appreciate them, but I can’t take them seriously.

What happened was I tried to do every single thing that was on every single one of my syllabuses (syllabi?) for the first half of the semester and then at some point I was so sleep-deprived I started hallucinating, but only a little. There were giraffes everywhere, but they weren’t fully-detailed realistic giraffes. They were just neon giraffe outlines. They looked like those rubber bands that kids wear on their wrists. (What is the deal with those?) Anyway, during this hallucination it became evident that I can’t take giraffes seriously anymore because of their absurd necks, so now I’m looking at that safari picture all I AM ON TO YOU, GIRAFFE. I CAN’T SEE YOUR NECK BUT I KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON ANYWAY.

Also, that wax museum is fucking creepy.
Rachael recently posted..Why Wil Wheaton Totally Could But Shouldn’t Start a Religion

Noa May 31, 2011 at 1:51 pm

I read this like a coked-out Jerry Seinfeld stand-up routine, and it was fucking fantastic. “WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THOSE GODDAMN GIRAFFES AND THE FUCKED UP NECKS AND ALL MY GIRAFFES ARE NEON.”

Rachael June 2, 2011 at 2:41 am

Hahaha that is pretty much exactly how I sounded when I was trying to explain to Boyfriend that floating neon giraffe outlines have necks that are way too long. Also, the little parenthetical “what is the deal with those?” probably aided in the Seinfeld thing. It actually occurred to me after I posted it that people might read it that way. I’m okay with that, though. I would love to see Seinfeld on stage musing about the deal with giraffes.
Rachael recently posted..Horrible Medical Advice of the Week- Get That Cough Checked Out

elizabeth- flourish in progress May 30, 2011 at 3:19 pm

I once paid a tidy sum of money to tour a woman’s home. The main attraction was her collection of over 1,000 scrapbooks. It was a guided tour. With a script. I’ll stop there, but you get the picture, right?

Noa, you are not allowed to plan any of our vacations. Why? After this post, I think we both know why.
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Noa May 31, 2011 at 1:47 pm

Liz, just–what? What the fuck? I’M not allowed to plan vacations? Did you at least swipe some of her supplies?

Abby May 30, 2011 at 4:38 pm

I went to a wax museum once and had the same reaction–rather creepy.

As for the Safari, the revolt sounds awesome. I most likely would have started tossing small children out of the bus before wasting food, but I can see how that would be deemed inappropriate.

Noa May 31, 2011 at 1:45 pm

I grew a heart on that bus because if I was ready to revolt, I can only imagine how those toddlers were feeling. I wanted to lead my people to safety, but to save many, I would not have been above tossing out a few.

Amanda May 30, 2011 at 4:46 pm

I went on vacation last week and the Jeep I was riding in got stuck in the sand on a 4×4 beach. There were wild horse tours available to the tourists who didn’t have a Jeep. As my friend and I were stuck in the sand and we saw several of these tour Jeeps go by and a fat cunt of woman taking a picture of us and our stuck Jeep. I really wanted to throw sand in her eyes and have her trampled by the wild horses. I may have been a bit grumpy by that time.
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Noa May 31, 2011 at 1:44 pm

AH! This sort of happened to me once but in a wetter environment (that’s what she said.) We were 4 wheeling through the new mexico mountains, and we got the jeep stuck at one point, and some a-holes on 4 wheelers drove by and hosed us. My brother in law is a ragin’ cajun and that was a bad call because when we found those bitches again, they had driven into a 5 foot deep hole filled with water in the road and were trying to haul their 4 wheelers out when my brother in law whizzed through and hosed the FUCK out of those people. Lesson of the Day: Should have thrown the sand in her eyes. Bitch deserved it.

hoodyhoo May 31, 2011 at 6:10 am

Why is it that wax sculptures of most people look like creepy versions of, well, PEOPLE, but the ones of Reagan always look like the fake puppet-Reagan from that weird Genesis video? And Chuckweasel and I survived a similar HellBus at Arlington National Cemetery last summer… they took us out in the middle of nowhere and LEFT us to fry in the hot, hot sun! Note to self — have headstone equipped with water fountain so as to be most popular with the tourists…
hoodyhoo recently posted..I Am Iron Man!

Noa May 31, 2011 at 1:41 pm

I couldn’t shake the feeling that I wasn’t actually looking at wax figures but terrible comedic impersonators, which is just as horrible. I was not okay. And, the headstone thing? Duly noted.

julia Johnston May 31, 2011 at 6:11 am

WAIT…I just realized you met OPRAH!!! Does she smell good? Is she really fat in real life? Tell me all about her! You lucky Ducky!!

Julia May 31, 2011 at 6:12 am

WAIT…I just realized you met OPRAH!!! Does she smell good? Is she really fat in real life? Tell me all about her! You lucky Ducky!!

Noa May 31, 2011 at 1:38 pm

She smelled pretty waxy. Not gonna lie.

Meg May 31, 2011 at 6:38 am

Was Ho-Prah part of the Fear exhibit? Cause that wax version is going to give me nightmares.
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Noa May 31, 2011 at 1:38 pm

The worst part of that was seeing Dr. Phil, or Nightmare Dr. Phil, hiding behind the curtain with an abnormally large grin. I screamed. I am not joking.

Jean May 31, 2011 at 8:18 am

I lived in Italy for a couple of years and I decided that even though I spoke Italian, I would take the tour through the catacombs with an English-speaking guide. That was a big mistake because my “English” speaker turned out to be Chinese whose grasp of English was limited at best. As we descended into the dark catacombs, he kept telling us to “come come, see kittens. Kittens ahead.” WTF? As it turned out, kittens = Christians.

Also, never tour anything with anyone more than 5 years younger than you. They don’t have the same reference points. The first time when I wore my old Smiths t-shirt and some 22 year old asked me “who are the Smiths?” I nearly choked on my geritol.
Jean recently posted..Something new to add to my list of things that suck- cicadas

Noa May 31, 2011 at 1:37 pm

You zoomed right over why a chinese person was giving a tour in Italy in english. There’s a lot wrong there. A lot.

And oh God, kids these days. “This music is awful.” “It’s Def Leppard. It’s iconic and bone-shakingly wondrous.” “You’re old.” “FUCK YOU.”

Jean May 31, 2011 at 1:55 pm

There’s a whole lot wrong with my whole life, so it sort of made sense that a Chinese person would be in Italy giving English tours of the catacombs.

To make you feel spectacularly young, my first concert ever was AC/DC on the Back in Black Tour. Opening act: Def Lepperd. That was 1980. I shiver at my old age.
Jean recently posted..Something new to add to my list of things that suck- cicadas

Noa May 31, 2011 at 6:10 pm

These girls didn’t know who the Backstreet Boys were. Toddlers are old for them. Do not fear, my dear Jean.

emmysuh May 31, 2011 at 11:22 am

WHAT NO SPOILER ALERT ON THE MUFASA DEATH??!?!!!!

Noa May 31, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Jesus–Sorry. It’s foolish of me to assume that people have watched these movies.

Rachel Van Houten May 31, 2011 at 11:34 am

New reader here :) Loving your blog. I have totally done a bullshit tour! In freaking New Orleans (pre-Katrina) we did a Ghost Tour….so fucking lame!!! The lady was super dramatic and kept saying, “…and THEN….” in a goofy, wanna be spooky voice, waving her hands around when she was telling stories. Comedy! We boned out of there halfway through when we stopped at some dive bar to get the free ghost tour drink. That damn thing was like 20 bucks each, too.

Noa May 31, 2011 at 1:34 pm

First off–thanks for the comment! Secondly, oh the ghost tour. If done well, can be terrifyingly scary, but if done poorly, makes you want to stab someone’s pancreas out of their body. But hey, you know, free drinks!

Tova May 31, 2011 at 11:42 am

Wax museums scare the crap out of me. I would be terrified the entire time. HOWEVER petting a giraffe is my dream so I’m totally jealous of you right now.
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Noa May 31, 2011 at 1:33 pm

The giraffe was the best fucking thing ever. I do not exaggerate. I would punch a baby to do that again.

Jaclyn May 31, 2011 at 12:23 pm

“Wait, didn’t wildebeests kill Mufasa?”… and I think I just died. Also, if you want to feel even older, those 12 year olds from the wax museum totally don’t know who the fuck Mufasa is.

I worked as a manager in a clothing store in a mall for years and I would always feel ancient when I did hiring. Like, I would see people’s birthdays and they were in the 90’s. And those little fuckers were old enough to work already. The running joke in my store was how much I hated minors. If we hired a minor, my other employees would hassle them during orientation and tell them how much I already hated them and how mean I was to the minors. They were definitely a pain in my ass, but I wasn’t THAT mean. But still, that shit scares a 16 year old.
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Noa May 31, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Fuck 16-year-olds. Nothing makes me feel older than recognizing a song playing in a grocery store and hearing 2 teenagers the next aisle over say, “Why are they only playing old people music?”

Jaclyn May 31, 2011 at 3:06 pm

YES! Or worse, when someone makes a shitty remake of a song you love and you wanna stab a face every time you hear it. And then douchey teenagers are all “Blah Blah Blah, Nicki Minaj” and “it’s better than the original” and “his name is DIDDY DIRTY MONEY, you old cunt”.
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Noa May 31, 2011 at 6:12 pm

My rage is directed to the teenagers who compare themselves to Kurt Cobain because whoa. That’s A) Not a great comparison to make. Dude shot himself and had sex with Courtney Love, and you have a tattoo of Jesus in Hebrew and a Dreamcatcher on your ribs and B) Fuck you, you’re 16.

bschooled May 31, 2011 at 8:31 pm

I want the pic of you punching a ginger in the face to be my new screensaver. For real.
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Noa May 31, 2011 at 10:08 pm

Take it. I only wish I could provide action shots of me for a flip-book style screensaver.

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