I Don’t Think You’re a Boring Whore.

05/11/2011 · 125 comments

in Psychological Warfare,Sadist Vagina,What Is Wrong With You?

Men’s Health, also known as the magazine full of dudes it’s okay for straight guys to beat off too, has just given men 16 ways to save their relationships.

How handy! Let’s imagine the man reading this article:

The relationship is in the toilet. She’s sleeping with a knife, he’s shitting on the floor. She’s slamming him in his balls with stilettos, he’s dry humping her dog.

Things are bad.

So he looks for some manly advice. He wants things to get better. He turns to Men’s Health, and…

They have fucked Cosmo and stolen her answers. Men’s Health has a pretty goddamn low opinion of women.

1. Men’s Health Says: After your next screaming match, right before the makeup sex, don’t bother with the “I love you” cliché. Just tell her, “You know, you’re the only person I’d ever tolerate talking to me like that. You’re that amazing.”

  • Noa Says: If Adrian ever said this to me, I’d slapfight the fuck out of him. I can HEAR the sarcasm through this one. You know what I would hear after a screaming match? “I tolerate you. You’re THAT amazing.” Fuck you too, cockslam.

2. Men’s Health Says: No screaming matches lately? Have one, fast. If she’s screaming at you, she still gives a damn. Silence from a woman means something has died. (Or will die. Tonight. In his sleep.)

  • Noa Says: You know what always makes me feel better? My husband screaming at me for no reason. “WHY ARE THE GODDAMN PICKLES FACING NORTHEAST, CUNT?”

3. Men’s Health Says: Drop this bomb: “You remember the time we [insert personal-best sex saga here]? I bet we could do even better.”

  • Noa Says: Your use of the word Saga implies that you carried any theme over beyond sweaty grunting. Magical moments, those times.

4. Men’s Health Says: Thinking about leaving her? Think about this first: No woman is perfect. The next one you pick up could indeed be cooler, hornier, and wealthier. But you’ll soon grow tired of her crap, too.

  • Noa Says: BECAUSE WE’RE ALL A BUNCH OF BORING JIZZ-HOLES FOR YOU TO MOOCH FROM. Jesus Christ you’re painting a lovely picture there. “Just stay with this one, no matter which one you end up with they’re all a bunch of harpies.”

5.Men’s Health Says: Maul her for 10 seconds when she least expects it. A mini-maul here, a mini-maul there. Next thing you know, you’ll have a strip-maul.

  • Noa Says: OH YEAH! There’s nothing like being pushed face first into the Oxiclean and being humped through my sweatpants on the dryer. I sure didn’t expect that! Man, and I thought you couldn’t top the time you burned my nipples when you “mauled” me while I was frying bacon–good times!

6.Men’s Health Says: All the stuff you’d want after a breakup—nights on the town, drop-of-a-hat vacations, those long-put-off season tickets—you can enjoy right now. With a built-in date. So pick something fun and do it.

  • Noa Says: Is this the vision of marriage men are taught in school? Because I can tell you that if we did nothing but sit in the house all day every day, there’s the reason for this relationship heading south, you boring jackass.

7. Men’s Health Says: Learn a new sport together—like golf or fencing—that encourages you to admire each other’s form.

  • Noa Says: Yes, someone hand that angry woman a heavy object around the man she’d love to beat to death. Good call, sparky. Enjoy the new and fun way your testicles hang.

8. Men’s Health Says: As you ask your buddy for counsel on your girl’s dropping temperature and increasing distance, did it ever occur to you to ask her?

  • Noa Says: You waited until NUMBER EIGHT for this one? You damn near raped me on the dryer, you screamed at me, and now you want to talk about why I’m not so interested?

9. Men’s Health Says: Go Gomez Addams on her. Speak Spanish. Dance the Mamushka. Kiss her from her wrist to her armpit. Blow up a train set together. Cara mia!

  • Noa Says: Nothing is sexier than a man who I suspect might actually be dead having sex with Angelica Houston. While you’re stuck on some Norman Bates fetish, can we have your hot friend Mark play Lurch?

10. Men’s Health Says: Commit an unsolicited act of cleanliness.

  • Noa Says: If by cleanliness you mean that time you cut an arrow out of your pubes to, “surprise me,” then thanks anyway.

11. Men’s Health Says: This weekend, take her to the grocery store to buy ingredients for a great dinner. Also pick up food specifically earmarked as body paint.

  • Noa Says: The grocery store? WHAT A TREAT, MOTHERFUCKER.

12. Men’s Health Says: You’re both 10 excess pounds away from feeling good about yourselves again. Drop ‘em together. It’ll be you and her against the world, just like old times.

  • Noa Says: Nothing says, “I love you,” better than, “You need to lose weight, Senorita Triple-Chin.”

13. Men’s Health Says: You haven’t offered up a late-night postcoital confession in a very long time. Surprise her.

  • Noa Says: At three in the morning, when you’re done banging me and I really want nothing more than just to go the fuck to sleep already, the last thing I need is you crying on my lap about how your childhood dog Bruno was the best in the world until he got the shakes. Save it, homie.

14. Men’s Health Says: Reinstate one courtesy toward her that’s been lost since your courtship: opening the car door for her, bringing her flowers, holding in your gas.

  • Noa Says: Holding in gas? GOLLY, thanks mister! That’s a courtesy equal and or greater to than chivalry? Alright, next time I want to tell you about that yeast infection, I’ll remember that you didn’t fart in bed last night. We’ll have a relationship built on trust and gross.

15. Men’s Health Says: Organize a cheesy diamond-commercial moment—like reproposing to her at Trafalgar Square in front of family. Overwrought? Yeah, but do the math: jewelry + effort + pigeons + her parents = months of rough sex.

  • Noa Says: You think what it takes to get me to fuck you is jewelry, pigeons, and my parents? What a weird fantasy you think I have. Again, you could just ask for a BJ. It’s what you’re wanting anyway, isn’t it? There’s no need to bring my mom into this–wait–YOU SICK FUCK.

16. Men’s Health Says: Tried everything on this list and she’s still unresponsive? It’s time to smile, hold her hand, and offer her these five risky words: “Now it’s up to you.”

  • Noa Says: “I held in my gas for you pumpkin! I took you grocery shopping! I cried on your lap! WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME ANYMORE.”

Men of the world–don’t get your love advice from a magazine that exclusively features greased-up dudes. That’s basically getting rammed by a dude and asking why your wife doesn’t love you anymore. Just…just stop.

What’s the worst relationship advice you’ve ever heard?

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