I Don’t Think You’re a Boring Whore.

05/11/2011 · 125 comments

in Psychological Warfare, Sadist Vagina, What Is Wrong With You?

Men’s Health, also known as the magazine full of dudes it’s okay for straight guys to beat off too, has just given men 16 ways to save their relationships.

How handy! Let’s imagine the man reading this article:

The relationship is in the toilet. She’s sleeping with a knife, he’s shitting on the floor. She’s slamming him in his balls with stilettos, he’s dry humping her dog.

Things are bad.

So he looks for some manly advice. He wants things to get better. He turns to Men’s Health, and…

They have fucked Cosmo and stolen her answers. Men’s Health has a pretty goddamn low opinion of women.

1. Men’s Health Says: After your next screaming match, right before the makeup sex, don’t bother with the “I love you” cliché. Just tell her, “You know, you’re the only person I’d ever tolerate talking to me like that. You’re that amazing.”

  • Noa Says: If Adrian ever said this to me, I’d slapfight the fuck out of him. I can HEAR the sarcasm through this one. You know what I would hear after a screaming match? “I tolerate you. You’re THAT amazing.” Fuck you too, cockslam.

2. Men’s Health Says: No screaming matches lately? Have one, fast. If she’s screaming at you, she still gives a damn. Silence from a woman means something has died. (Or will die. Tonight. In his sleep.)

  • Noa Says: You know what always makes me feel better? My husband screaming at me for no reason. “WHY ARE THE GODDAMN PICKLES FACING NORTHEAST, CUNT?”

3. Men’s Health Says: Drop this bomb: “You remember the time we [insert personal-best sex saga here]? I bet we could do even better.”

  • Noa Says: Your use of the word Saga implies that you carried any theme over beyond sweaty grunting. Magical moments, those times.

4. Men’s Health Says: Thinking about leaving her? Think about this first: No woman is perfect. The next one you pick up could indeed be cooler, hornier, and wealthier. But you’ll soon grow tired of her crap, too.

  • Noa Says: BECAUSE WE’RE ALL A BUNCH OF BORING JIZZ-HOLES FOR YOU TO MOOCH FROM. Jesus Christ you’re painting a lovely picture there. “Just stay with this one, no matter which one you end up with they’re all a bunch of harpies.”

5.Men’s Health Says: Maul her for 10 seconds when she least expects it. A mini-maul here, a mini-maul there. Next thing you know, you’ll have a strip-maul.

  • Noa Says: OH YEAH! There’s nothing like being pushed face first into the Oxiclean and being humped through my sweatpants on the dryer. I sure didn’t expect that! Man, and I thought you couldn’t top the time you burned my nipples when you “mauled” me while I was frying bacon–good times!

6.Men’s Health Says: All the stuff you’d want after a breakup—nights on the town, drop-of-a-hat vacations, those long-put-off season tickets—you can enjoy right now. With a built-in date. So pick something fun and do it.

  • Noa Says: Is this the vision of marriage men are taught in school? Because I can tell you that if we did nothing but sit in the house all day every day, there’s the reason for this relationship heading south, you boring jackass.

7. Men’s Health Says: Learn a new sport together—like golf or fencing—that encourages you to admire each other’s form.

  • Noa Says: Yes, someone hand that angry woman a heavy object around the man she’d love to beat to death. Good call, sparky. Enjoy the new and fun way your testicles hang.

8. Men’s Health Says: As you ask your buddy for counsel on your girl’s dropping temperature and increasing distance, did it ever occur to you to ask her?

  • Noa Says: You waited until NUMBER EIGHT for this one? You damn near raped me on the dryer, you screamed at me, and now you want to talk about why I’m not so interested?

9. Men’s Health Says: Go Gomez Addams on her. Speak Spanish. Dance the Mamushka. Kiss her from her wrist to her armpit. Blow up a train set together. Cara mia!

  • Noa Says: Nothing is sexier than a man who I suspect might actually be dead having sex with Angelica Houston. While you’re stuck on some Norman Bates fetish, can we have your hot friend Mark play Lurch?

10. Men’s Health Says: Commit an unsolicited act of cleanliness.

  • Noa Says: If by cleanliness you mean that time you cut an arrow out of your pubes to, “surprise me,” then thanks anyway.

11. Men’s Health Says: This weekend, take her to the grocery store to buy ingredients for a great dinner. Also pick up food specifically earmarked as body paint.

  • Noa Says: The grocery store? WHAT A TREAT, MOTHERFUCKER.

12. Men’s Health Says: You’re both 10 excess pounds away from feeling good about yourselves again. Drop ‘em together. It’ll be you and her against the world, just like old times.

  • Noa Says: Nothing says, “I love you,” better than, “You need to lose weight, Senorita Triple-Chin.”

13. Men’s Health Says: You haven’t offered up a late-night postcoital confession in a very long time. Surprise her.

  • Noa Says: At three in the morning, when you’re done banging me and I really want nothing more than just to go the fuck to sleep already, the last thing I need is you crying on my lap about how your childhood dog Bruno was the best in the world until he got the shakes. Save it, homie.

14. Men’s Health Says: Reinstate one courtesy toward her that’s been lost since your courtship: opening the car door for her, bringing her flowers, holding in your gas.

  • Noa Says: Holding in gas? GOLLY, thanks mister! That’s a courtesy equal and or greater to than chivalry? Alright, next time I want to tell you about that yeast infection, I’ll remember that you didn’t fart in bed last night. We’ll have a relationship built on trust and gross.

15. Men’s Health Says: Organize a cheesy diamond-commercial moment—like reproposing to her at Trafalgar Square in front of family. Overwrought? Yeah, but do the math: jewelry + effort + pigeons + her parents = months of rough sex.

  • Noa Says: You think what it takes to get me to fuck you is jewelry, pigeons, and my parents? What a weird fantasy you think I have. Again, you could just ask for a BJ. It’s what you’re wanting anyway, isn’t it? There’s no need to bring my mom into this–wait–YOU SICK FUCK.

16. Men’s Health Says: Tried everything on this list and she’s still unresponsive? It’s time to smile, hold her hand, and offer her these five risky words: “Now it’s up to you.”

  • Noa Says: “I held in my gas for you pumpkin! I took you grocery shopping! I cried on your lap! WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME ANYMORE.”

Men of the world–don’t get your love advice from a magazine that exclusively features greased-up dudes. That’s basically getting rammed by a dude and asking why your wife doesn’t love you anymore. Just…just stop.

What’s the worst relationship advice you’ve ever heard?

Shane May 11, 2011 at 2:59 am

OK, so this whole things is so fucking funny I just want to bow down and chant “I’m not worthy.” Holding in gas, though. They might have it there. Really. I think romance left our relationship when I stopped doing that. I also got to stop walking doubled-over from stomach cramps.
Shit, did I just write that? Fuck. OK, so I think all of this is hilarious, but I also think that Cosmo should go the way of Men’s Health. “Why your man is a douche bag.” “How to convince your man he really, really sucks in the sack.” “Why your man really, really sucks in the sack.” “How to get rid of your sack-sucking man and find a new one who will not suck for about a month.”
Shee-yit.
This does NOT mean that I think Men’s Health is great, BTW. Have never, ever read it and never will.
How about “Don’t Be a Loser, Motherfucker, and Your Woman Might Not Leave You.”
All this being said, there is nothing wrong with mauling around bacon. Bacon takes everything and makes it that.much.better.
Kill me.

Noa May 11, 2011 at 1:49 pm

I won’t stop you from bowing, you know. It might save a marriage if you did that with your wife but Men’s Health neglected that lovely tidbit.

PS–Have you not read a Cosmo lately? They go almost exactly along the same lines, “That guys a douchebag and you deserve better BUT DON’T LEAVE HIM OR YOU’LL ABSOLUTELY DIE ALONE WITH CATS DON’T DO IT.” It’s a clusterfuck of anxiety. I agree–don’t be a loser, and I will stay.

Shane May 11, 2011 at 3:05 am

“Also pick up food specifically earmarked as body paint.”
C’mon. You have to ADMIT that nothing spices up a relationship more than guacamole smeared ALL OVER THE PLACE and then licked off. Right?

Ugh.

Jaclyn May 11, 2011 at 8:11 am

Now I’m thinking of all the atrocities that could be grocery store body paint. Ketchup? Sexy, sexy ketchup. How about some deli counter rice pudding? Watch out for those flies though!
Jaclyn recently posted..Birthday Plagues

Noa May 11, 2011 at 1:44 pm

Your comments never fail to make me double over. “Yeah….get somma that Heinz, baby…”

Kelly May 11, 2011 at 2:18 pm

“Spicing up your relationship” does not mean dousing my girly bits in Louisiana Hot Sauce, you fuckwits!

I totally lawled at the ketchup – gettin sexay with your mens or a crime scene?

Noa, I changed my mind. Charlie Sheen wrote this article.
Kelly recently posted..Dear Neighbor

Noa May 11, 2011 at 5:05 pm

Oh Charlie Sheen–he’ll do anything to stay relevant won’t he?

Bill G. December 7, 2011 at 11:55 pm

The guy who wrote this article must’ve been jacking off to 9-1/2 Weeks the night before.

Andi May 11, 2011 at 5:47 pm

Even the options you might think of as good, aren’t. I once had a regrettable encounter that involved ice cream. Think about ice cream….it’s cold. It drips. It makes you sticky. Pretty good metaphor for that relationship, now that I think about it.
Andi recently posted..Denim Diaries II — How to Win Friends and Traumatize People

Noa May 11, 2011 at 7:49 pm

Cold, drippy, sticky–I had no idea you hooked up with the Loch Ness Monster.

Bill G. December 7, 2011 at 11:57 pm

You’re killing my Worchestershire sauce fantasy, DAMMIT!!

Noa May 11, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Hrcchhhggg. Sorry. Puked.

Non-Crispy Texan September 13, 2011 at 5:41 am

I actually had a high school gf many a decade ago that like guacamole and it was her idea. An idea that wasn’t a very good one. She was my acidhead/deadhead gf. She realized that it was a bad idea pretty much right away. I’d said it just didn’t seem to have a good aesthetic. Ended up having a good laugh and it was never suggested again. Leave it on the dinner table, trust me.

Lianne Marie Binks May 11, 2011 at 4:03 am

I am crying with laughter at my desk. I am face first in the bowl of lentils.
(OK I don’t usually have lentils on my desk but I was too busy drooling over Colin Firth last night to start soaking my lentils so I’m doing them at work tonight otherwise no one gets soup and THEN THERE’LL BE SOME TEARS!)
Lianne Marie Binks recently posted..Could eat you with a fork and spoon

Noa May 11, 2011 at 1:49 pm

You soak those lentils, girl, because Men’s Health says you can use those as BODY PAINT.

hoodyhoo May 11, 2011 at 6:16 am

oh dear gawd, please tell me men know NONE OF THIS SHIT WILL WORK! And most of it will get you shot. In the face. With a bazooka. You cockmunch.

The rules are simple: Talk to me when I want you to talk, listen when I want you to listen. Fuck me when I tell you to, and stay the fuck away from me the rest of the time. If you see me start to squint or twitch while you’re talking, SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP.
hoodyhoo recently posted..Oh- Dear

Shane May 11, 2011 at 7:31 am

We know, don’t worry. Well…maybe not all of us know. I know. The men I know know.
Problem is, we don’t know much else.
Anyway I wanted to ask you, hoody hoo: mind if I post about your comment? I promise I’ll be real nice….

Noa May 11, 2011 at 1:50 pm

As long as you know those rules, we can “tolerate” any others. Promise. Unless you maul me on the dryer, then all bets are off.

hoodyhoo May 12, 2011 at 6:58 am

Shane, if you’re going to start being nice, you can just get right the fuck out. We don’t have to take that kind of shit off you… ; )
hoodyhoo recently posted..To Each His Own…

hoodyhoo May 12, 2011 at 6:58 am

but seriously, go right ahead!
hoodyhoo recently posted..To Each His Own…

Noa May 12, 2011 at 2:23 pm

I just witnessed a magical moment here.

Noa May 11, 2011 at 1:50 pm

It’s….it’s perfect. The rules are so simple…

hoodyhoo May 12, 2011 at 6:57 am

then WHY ARE THEY NOT BEING FOLLOWED????
hoodyhoo recently posted..To Each His Own…

Noa May 12, 2011 at 2:24 pm

Who the fuck knows? Because his dick’s not getting sucked enough?

Tiffany Fiak-Watts May 11, 2011 at 7:46 am

Good morning, Shane! I must tell you, I felt a special, personal connection to today’s post as I used to work at Men’s Health! After college, I was looking for a job “back East”, where I’m from, and managed to score an editorial internship at MH, which is based in Emmaus, PA— not far from where I grew up. If you saw the building where this magazine is written, you’d laugh hysterically. It screams anything but testosterone!

Let me say….it was an educational experience. Granted, that was back in early 1999, and the editorial staff has mostly changed, but I never felt like they took the whole relationship thing seriously. Oh well.

Your post this morning was hilarious! I was laughing hysterically.

Have a great day!

Tiff

Tiffany Fiak-Watts May 11, 2011 at 2:24 pm

Actually, I haven’t looked at a MH lately, but based on your blog, I’d say they are worse now. Interestingly, they did compare themselves to Cosmo, but that was before Rodale started Women’s Health. It was interesting to compare the assignments I was given compared to my male counterparts. I don’t ever recall a guy having to prepare food for one of their taste tests, or run to the grocery store for soy products. Like I said, it was educational.

After I learned that someone I knew had been raped, I went to my editors about doing an article — something educational from the male perspective since there are a lot of guys with skewed ideas regarding sex and rape. The editors balked saying the topic was too serious — they didn’t want readers to think that they were being told what to do. Nice attitude.

Noa May 11, 2011 at 5:05 pm

I’m horrified at the last part of your comment. What a bunch of douchebags.

Shane May 12, 2011 at 2:50 am

Dear Tiffany,
It’s better anyway if you post here rather than on FB. Better that people can read this stuff rather than just the status updates!
I can’t believe that there are still men out there who are confused about sex and rape. Well, obviously I can believe it, but I tend to think that someone who actually reads a magazine wouldn’t be confused but Jesus H.
How in the fuck can you be confused? I mean even the biggest cornholin’ bumpkin can tell the difference between I want to and I don’t want to. Hint: if she’s pointing the gun barrel at your head, she doesn’t want to. If she’s ripping shreds out of your nostrils, she doesn’t want to.
Maybe, though, we’re talking about the subtle hints like just lying there, face turned away, bawling her eyes out, while you’re doin’ your thang…
On the other hand, educating all of these “confused” men may not be the answer. How about we just weed them out. Just put them all in a ring with some angel dust and let them have at each other. Let’s see how confused they are then. Then, when they’re done, put them all up on camera and just shoot them, one after the other.
It’s better for the gene pool.

Noa May 12, 2011 at 2:25 pm

What is the thought process behind being confused about rape? I’ve never been in a situation in which that was unclear to me, so I can’t imagine that’s true on the other side of things. “Well, she said no, but she has a vagina…so…”

Tiffany Fiak-Watts May 13, 2011 at 5:49 pm

But that’s just it. I remember talking to people at the time — both men and women in their early 20s. Women know that NO means NO. Guys, on the other hand, didn’t always take that seriously for whatever reason. It is hard for me to fathom to, but, hey, get a bunch of entitled, horny, drunk frat boys together, and they think they should be able to do anything. Pun intended. What bothered me about the editors was that they had no interest in even looking into that as a legitimate issue. When it came to articles about sex, relationships, and women, it SEEMED as though the philosophy of some was: Why print quality, informative, articles that encourage you to think — and run the risk of losing a few idiot readers — when you can print ego-boosting, testosterone-driven, drivel that will guarantee to sell magazines. It is a shame, because, ultimately I think Rodale Press is a great company. They do publish a ton of great info. MH is just a boy’s club.

Noa May 14, 2011 at 1:08 pm

I assume Cosmo is much the same in the opposite sense–why publish anything of interest when we can talk about how your eyeshadow turns him off. You’re a brave soul for putting up with that bullshit.

Bill G. December 7, 2011 at 11:52 pm

Dear god, MH is a complete crock of shit. And I promise you, I’m not the model of male maturity over here.

Bill G. December 7, 2011 at 11:50 pm

Any guy that is confused about rape needs his nuts in a vice until he get un-confused.

Tiffany Fiak-Watts May 11, 2011 at 7:48 am

oops, this was posted on Shane’s FB page and I thought you guys were doing a tag-team blog. Sorry for the confusion!

Noa May 11, 2011 at 1:46 pm

Hey no worries! I enjoyed your comment–especially considering you worked for Men’s Health. If it’s improved since 1999, then I would really hate to know what it was like then.

Jaclyn May 11, 2011 at 8:07 am

My husband has really bad allergies in the spring. I would consider the “romance” back in our relationship if he didn’t spend 2 months of every year walking around with rolled up tissues shoved into his nostrils all the time. ALL. THE. TIME. Then he leaves them on our bed for me to find. Or for our daughter to try to eat. Mmmm… booger nuggets!
Jaclyn recently posted..Birthday Plagues

Johi May 11, 2011 at 9:31 am

I threw up in my mouth a little at “booger nuggets”.

Noa May 11, 2011 at 1:45 pm

Oh, the husbands with the Allergies. Before we found the magical cocktail of drugs that keeps Adrian slighty zombie-like but runny-nose free, the months of March and April were fucking atrocious. As gross as booger nuggets is…I know what you mean.

Jaclyn May 12, 2011 at 7:56 am

Mind telling me what that magical combination is? Because NOTHING has worked for my husband, like, ever. And I can’t fucking take the whining any more. Every year he threatens to take his immigrant ass back to his homeland for 2 months. I’m very tempted to let him go next year.
Jaclyn recently posted..Birthday Plagues

Noa May 12, 2011 at 2:23 pm

Claritin and Omnaris the SECOND he wakes up, then a Singulair and Omnaris at night. It’s the only thing that works, but it works well. Good luck!

Bill G. December 7, 2011 at 11:47 pm

No shit? I’ll give that a shot this spring.

Bill G. December 7, 2011 at 11:46 pm

Claritin knocks my allergy symptoms down about 75%. I’ll remember you the next time I’m griping about my allergies, at least I’ve got something that knocks it down to a level that’s tolerable.

Kate May 11, 2011 at 8:51 am

I was drinking tea while I read this, and blew it all over the screen. Thank God I had a towel on hand, or I would have ruined my computer with this fantastic tomfoolery. I love it.
Kate
idreamloudly.com

Noa May 11, 2011 at 1:44 pm

That is the nicest compliment you could ever give a humor blogger.

Kelly May 11, 2011 at 9:12 am

Oh Em Gee. I don’t even know where to fucking start. I have to go run a few errands, and if I didn’t drive head on into a Peterbilt because of that article, I’ll be back with some constructive feedback for the twatwaffles at Men’s Health.
Kelly recently posted..Dear Neighbor

Noa May 11, 2011 at 1:43 pm

Twatwaffle.

Oh God yes.

Johi May 11, 2011 at 9:32 am

I think Men’s Health needs to consult an actual FEMALE next time they write an article like this.
Well done! *tipping my odd hat*
Johi recently posted..Fashion for Odd Sorts

Noa May 11, 2011 at 1:43 pm

They don’t need to consult women! They leave that shit ’til the middle! They’re MEN.

Kaye May 11, 2011 at 9:51 am

AHHHHHhahahahahaha

Noa May 11, 2011 at 1:42 pm

*Bows*

momiss May 11, 2011 at 9:57 am

Lord! Great post!!!
I had grown to despise COSMO by the time I was the tender age of 19 for exactly all these reasons. It quickly grew to include all magazines targeted to women and most to men, with the exception of Playboy, which really does have great articles (or did in the 80’s and 90’s) plus the little game of finding the rabbit on the cover. I admit that is kind of silly, but hey, it worked for me.
Now I hardly ever watch tv either and I have never missed either one. It’s positively liberating to remove such annoyances from your life, but if they result in posts like this, I think it was entirely worth it.
momiss recently posted..Mothers Day- Keepin it Real

Noa May 11, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Cosmo is the bane of my existence as a woman with more than 1/2 a brain cell.

Bill G. December 7, 2011 at 11:42 pm

If your man is not happy with you, it’s because you’re not enough of a doormat for him. What a wonderful message to the young girls of America.

SassyO May 11, 2011 at 11:48 am

Well, gosh, where was this article when my marriage was falling apart? We could have taken things at lightning speed instead of the 3 year “saga” we endured.

During this time, my mother-in-law handed me one of those wallet-sized blush/eyeshadow/lipstick “all in one” doohickies and advised me that if I spent a little time applying some makeup, my husband might be more interested in me.

Yeah. That was swell.

Noa May 11, 2011 at 1:41 pm

Right? “Thanks, Mens Health! You really saved everything,” says no one. Fuck that eyeshadow, he needed to take you to the grocery store.

SassyO May 11, 2011 at 4:13 pm

BTW, what kind of grocery store sells body paint? I’m down here in the big city and that is NOT an item I see on the shelves at Publix. Or even the Kroger.

Should I be looking at Trader Joes instead? the Piggly Wiggly? Inquiring minds want to know. (Men’s Health should have told us…)

Noa May 11, 2011 at 5:03 pm

Wal-Mart sells Krylon.

Bill G. December 7, 2011 at 11:39 pm

Damn straight, I’m taking notes now! Makeup kit for the wife, grab her and bend her over the nearest appliance for some Levi lovin’, tell her that she’s so incredible that I will actually tolerate her speaking in a less-than-cordial tone. Where was this brilliant advice 10 years ago? I’ll have her whistling zippity-doo-dah out of her twat by lunchtime tomorrow!

Kelly May 11, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Okay, I’m pretty sure this was written by some asshat frat boy who won an internship because he bought 8274 tubs of Muscle Milk or some shit. (Nothing against Panhellenic society, I too was a “So-Ho” – oh yes.) Also, if I’m being mauled, I would expect that I got too close to the wild cat exhibit at a zoo, not walking around safely in my house. I will now call ADT to make sure that they have my alarm system engaged for stalking penises. And the only “strip-maul” (oh, MH, you’re sooo clever) better have a TJ Maxx, a Kroger, and a Chinese buffet in it. If my husband would hold in his gas, I’d better check to make sure he has a pulse.

Wait. Maybe this wasn’t written by a frat boy. Maybe John “The Bionic Penis” Bobbitt is the mastermind behind this glorious how-to guide. Did I say twatwaffle earlier? I think it still applies.
Kelly recently posted..Dear Neighbor

Noa May 11, 2011 at 1:41 pm

I thought, “Twatwaffle,” my new go-to insult, was the cream of the crop, but the image of you beating a wildcat over the head with a dildo is one that makes my heart smile.

Crystal May 11, 2011 at 1:40 pm

Oh. My. Gawd. I don’t think I have laughed that bloddy hard in ages!! My favorite will always be #1 seeing as how I have gotten that comment!

Noa May 16, 2011 at 2:52 am

I hope you punched whoever said that to you.

Elly Lou May 11, 2011 at 1:41 pm

I love you hard. In the face. But not in the slammed-up-against-the-dryer kind of way. You’ve outdone yourself this time.
Elly Lou recently posted..Short Like My Attention Span

Noa May 11, 2011 at 7:02 pm

Well thank you! You can throw me up against a dryer anytime if you’re going to talk to me like that.

Andi May 11, 2011 at 3:36 pm

Cosmo lost me at the age of 12 when they suggested I put a donut around my boyfriend’s penis and eat it off. I thought, “I’ve never had sex but I already know that is a VERY BAD IDEA.” The worrisome thing about Men’s Health is that they are not actually targeting tweenagers, so there are apparently 20-something guys who take advice from magazines that is likely to get them a kick in the nads.

RUN, MEN! Run far away from this! Save yourselves!
Andi recently posted..Denim Diaries II — How to Win Friends and Traumatize People

Noa May 11, 2011 at 5:04 pm

Teeth and dicks! That sounds like a PARTY! This shit is Tiger Beat for the over-20 set.

Teala May 11, 2011 at 6:43 pm

Bad modern relationship advice: ANYTHING THEY FUCKING PRINT IN MOTHERFUCKING Cosmo. Oh, your boyfriend is mad because you broke his favorite Nolan Ryan bobble head doll: Put your hand on his penis. Oh, your boyfriend won’t go out with you and your squealing harpies of friends: Put his penis in your mouth. Cosmo’s cure for everything: something to do with your guy’s penis.

Bad relationship advice from Early Modern (Renaissance) era women’s conduct books: If there is a problem in your relationship, it is your fault because you are not the perfect, ideal woman. But since I’m a man writing this, I can fix you. Do all of the follow contradictory things and you too could be the ideal woman. **These things may or may not involve your man’s penis.**

Fucking ridiculous. If my boyfriend started screaming at me or attacking me, I’d start feeling really stabby right about then. :D
Teala recently posted..Motivation

Noa May 11, 2011 at 7:49 pm

All your problems can be solved by servicing a man’s penis. Good to know!

Corin May 11, 2011 at 8:09 pm

My god, if there was a way to create an anthropomorphic version of Cosmo and Ask Men into an actual couple, all you would need is a couple of cameras to make the Ultimate Reality Show. While America watches them mind fuck each other with subtle barbs and secret meaning,s and actually fuck each other using hair scrunchies and Heinz products, you’d be raking in the millions. We’re talking the kind of cash that could totally buy you a new soul. Which would probably be necessary afterward.
Corin recently posted..Shift

Corin May 11, 2011 at 8:14 pm

Whoops, I meant “Men’s Health” rather than “Ask Men”, which is basically the online version of the magazine, only with easier access to pornography.
Corin recently posted..Feel the burn

Noa May 12, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Porn and relationship tips right at your fingertips! Hooray internet!

Noa May 12, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Isn’t that The Bachelor?

Amanda May 12, 2011 at 1:46 am

Holy shit! Holding in his gas after marriage is a possibility now??? I wonder if that works on kids too. And i wonder how many times I have to threaten their lives in order for any of them to stop farting. Way to go, maxim!
Amanda recently posted..My Blue Eyed Boy

Noa May 12, 2011 at 2:26 pm

Right? Now that I know it’s a possibility, it opens a whole new level in my relationship!

Rebecca May 12, 2011 at 8:32 am

‘The worst relationship advice I’ve ever heard.’ The 16 tips featured in this blog post win hands down. I can’t even comment, I’m shaking my head in disbelief.
“OH YEAH! There’s nothing like being pushed face first into the Oxiclean and being humped through my sweatpants on the dryer. I sure didn’t expect that!” – Thank you for bringing this sentence into my life. You’ve made me so happy.

Out of interest, I looked up the Cosmo website after reading this post. Two of the featured articles include ’10 Hair Rules You’re Probably Breaking’ (or, ‘You’re Making Small Children Cry, You Horrifying Yak-Yetti Crossbreed’) and ‘What His Cuddling Body Language Reveals’ (Summary: If he doesn’t spoon you after sex he’s emotionally retarded, if he sticks his head in your crotch he’s a needy sensitive sex beast AND a keeper, you LUCKY LUCKY THING!)

Andi – Interestingly they also have an article called, ‘Secret Sex Fears All Guys Have’. It wouldn’t surprise me to find #1: Sticking a donut around my wang and chomping it off. HOW, on Earth, would that be a pleasant experience for anyone involved?

Noa May 12, 2011 at 2:22 pm

Do secret sex fears include oil burns? I’m just saying. It’s amazing the high opinions both men’s and women’s magazines have of women. They make my job pretty easy.

Andi May 12, 2011 at 9:31 pm

What I want to know is how they find guys to test this stuff on. Is there a basement full of Cosmo interns ex-boyfriends somewhere? Or is the fact that they DON’T test these tips on anyone the reason for the lamesauce? Inquiring minds….
Andi recently posted..Denim Diaries II — How to Win Friends and Traumatize People

Noa May 13, 2011 at 12:42 am

Right? the possibility of there being a think tank for this kind of advice is horrifying.

elizabeth- flourish in progress May 12, 2011 at 5:32 pm

I can’t believe this? You didn’t think of all of that was sage advice? I love mini-mauls! I love it when men belittle me and treat me like a worthless tramp! I love it when men speak fake Spanish to me.

Hey, wait, no, maybe I shouldn’t love those things. Probably why I dated all those men who are now in prison.
elizabeth- flourish in progress recently posted..Monday Dare- this is why we cant have nice things

Noa May 13, 2011 at 12:42 am

Can you imagine the kind of spark that you could have had in those relationships if only you had read Men’s Health then? You missed out, my friend. Conjugal visits are hot. I hear.

Jonah Gibson May 14, 2011 at 10:01 am

I love magazines like Men’s Health. They so lower the bar for us guys who don’t look like a greased Adonis.
Jonah Gibson recently posted..Derby Hats and Julep Jive

Noa May 14, 2011 at 1:05 pm

I’d rather have a regular joe who’s not a total asshole than a greased adonis who tolerates me. Just sayin’

carrien (she laughs at the days) May 16, 2011 at 2:06 am

Here via the Bloggess. I lol’ed at least 10 times reading this post. That doesn’t happen often. My favorite is number 8, of course. :)

Thanks

Noa May 16, 2011 at 2:20 am

Glad to have you here–and even more glad that I could make you laugh. Men’s Health makes my job pretty easy.

Corinne May 16, 2011 at 9:21 am

The day my ex-husband announced that he was done with our marriage, he told me “I tried everything and it’s just not going to work.” Everything except actually telling me there was something wrong? This list explains everything!

Thanks for the laugh :) You’re great!

Noa May 16, 2011 at 1:05 pm

He clearly didn’t read Men’s Health. That asshat. Glad you enjoyed it!

Margaret Goerig May 16, 2011 at 10:13 am

I’m visiting here thanks to your Bloggess ad but I’m staying put. I think that anything which causes one to laugh in such a way that bystanders are not sure if it’s chortling or sobbing or just plain madness is a definite keeper. Thanks for the tears of joy. Looking forward to a few more.

Noa May 16, 2011 at 1:00 pm

I’m so glad you found me, and even more glad you’re staying! Hope I can keep making you laugh.

The Onion May 16, 2011 at 10:24 am

Nothing makes me happier when I am pissed than my beloved pretending to do nice things like make me dinner so he can also buy gross flavored body paint (Apparently, they stock it at Safeway now?) and get himself laid. That magazine is spot-on.
The Onion recently posted..Naked Overshare Alert

Noa May 16, 2011 at 12:59 pm

RIght? Thank you, Men’s Health, for creating some magical memories.

Carol-Anne June 22, 2011 at 4:09 pm

Your mini-maul reposte has caused hiccups from inhaling spit whilst gaffawing. The cat is alarmed. I also share your anti-hipster leanings, however enjoy the opportunity to be entirely unimpressed by their coolness at every opportunity. I’m a new fan, and I’m here for good! Thank you!

Noa June 22, 2011 at 7:05 pm

Hooray! Glad I could make you laugh so much that your cat is in fear. Hope you keep reading!

Misty July 6, 2011 at 11:50 am

Oh My Fucking God, Woman!! Now that is some hilarity right there. I laughed so hard I actually guffawed! GUFFAWED I tell you. The people at work think I have lost my mind. Thank you so much for that. I think I am in love. Should I start mauling you on the dryer now?

Anyhoo . . . my hubby routinely tries to maul me in decidedly unsexy places/situations. Depending on my mood, he needs to beware not to lose a digit. And no, I am not talking about his hands! Washing the sheets does not = sexy time, thank you very much. I have bleach and am not afraid to use it!!
Misty recently posted..Have the decency to at least LOOK crazy (aka “You have beautiful feet!”)

Noa August 10, 2011 at 9:04 pm

Your hubby won’t be expecting that kick to the balls, either.

Dead Cow Girl August 10, 2011 at 8:16 pm

I miss you.

Also? I do not think that Men’s Health really had men’s well being in mind.

Noa August 10, 2011 at 9:04 pm

I miss you as well. And no, they want all men to be ashamed and broken.

Dead Cow Girl August 10, 2011 at 9:29 pm

I thought that was me.

Bryn August 23, 2011 at 11:45 am

Just wanted to say that I have been put in that mauled with bacon situation. I thankfully came out unharmed and sent my boyfriend to the corner with my angry and terrified screams.
I married him anyway.
Bryn recently posted..TOTALLY Productive(thats a lie)

Noa August 23, 2011 at 3:38 pm

And I assume now holds bad mental associations with bacon. You’re a damn trooper.

Dave Foltz September 10, 2011 at 6:54 pm

Shit. Fuck. Fucker. Motherfucker. Cock-slam. Fuck. Cunt. Jizz-holes. Fuck.

Oh yeah, fuck (different fuck).

You all are confusing witty, entertaining, thought-provoking, and heaven forbid, FUNNY, with words that a 9-year-old would find hilarious, and worthless whiney commentary about your unsatisfying lives. “Fuck” is a great word, but it’s not great when it’s every third word.

Get off this site before it makes you dumb as a 9-year-old and/or even more unhappy! Unfortunately, for some of you it appears too late..

Misty September 10, 2011 at 8:29 pm

Alas, dear sir, we are truly remorseful for our previously offensive comments which have quite obviously caused you some consternation, to which we are greatly regretful. If, perchance, you feel that these posts and subsequent comments are distasteful to your delicate sensibilities and you are shocked and saddened by our obviously uncouth behavior, you are sincerely invited to fuck off.

Sincerely,
The unhappy 9-year-olds who find Noa’s site delightful and hilarious.
Misty recently posted..It’s just not FAIR!!

Cyprium September 11, 2011 at 11:28 pm

Dear Dave,
I feel that if you are offended by this site, or if you feel like you are being made “as dumb as a 9-year old” then you should feel free to return from whence you came. I find Noa absolutely gut-wrenching hilarious, and my IQ is 173. You? No, I didn’t think so. As far as 9-year olds go, I currently have had 5 of them in my life span. My two youngest (who are currently 11) also share my increased IQ and you should not be insulting regarding age. That is a form of discrimination. It would be the equivalent of me saying that you are grouchy simply because you are very, very, very old. That just isn’t nice. Best regards!

Bill G. March 17, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Hey, Diamond Dave, here’s a crazy idea: click the little red X in the corner if you don’t like the webpage. I don’t know what hanging around being a sniveling little man-bitch is doing for you. Your mom’s basement is a cold dark place, maybe you need to go get some sun.

Petite Heretic November 1, 2011 at 9:54 am

I think that this is the funniest, most accurate blog post I’ve ever read and I hereby pledge my undying love to your wit and moxie.
Petite Heretic recently posted..Things I want!!! (This may be a weekly or even daily post)

Noa November 2, 2011 at 7:13 pm

You just made my fucking day.

Petite Heretic November 3, 2011 at 12:11 pm

You might get a kick (in the ovary unfortunately) out of this English article re: what women shouldn’t reveal to their man during marriage. Granted it’s from the Daily Mail but still….
enjoy the rage:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2056881/Never-let-man-putting-Spanx.html
Petite Heretic recently posted..Have faith in yourself.

Noa November 7, 2011 at 11:25 pm

Oh…oh no.

Mother of God, what the hell is this shit?

Bill G. December 4, 2011 at 7:13 pm

So the woman in the article believes that not every detail of everything should be shared. Fair enough–but saying that in the same article that posts pictures of your “spanx” underwear kinda diminishes that message.

She lost me when she started talking about the de-boner Trevor Howard, whoever the fuck that is.

Bill G. December 4, 2011 at 4:39 pm

Dry humping the dog? Two paragraphs in and I’m already breaking my balls laughing!

Noa December 4, 2011 at 9:15 pm

FUCK YES.

Bill G. December 4, 2011 at 5:26 pm

Are you sure this article isn’t Maxim Magazine’s Top 16 Ways To Get Your Live-In Girlfriend To Fuck You For Another Week Until You Can Successfully Dump Her Boring Ass For Her Hot Sorority-Sister Roommate?

This lofty load of shit coming from Men’s Health has gotta be geared toward moronic college-aged “men” who think that they’re God’s gift to women. Any guy that can even get through that entire article without throwing it across the room needs a foot in his ass.

“Is your relationship completely in the shitcan? When she talks to you for over 20 seconds (which no woman should ever do, especially when the TV is on), do you want to cut her fucking head off and put it in a camera bag? Do laser beams shoot from her eyes and flash-burn your balls when she has to listen to your voice for 5 consecutive seconds? Follow these 16 steps and she’ll be sucking your cock like a porno star on a crack-bender, doing sexual shit for you that you only see in the $30 porno tapes, and wake up in the morning humming contentedly while sunshine pours from her ass–at least until you dump her for a nymphomaniac NFL cheerleader that owns a liquor store and a Lambourghini dealership.”

Noa December 4, 2011 at 9:16 pm

I. I might be in love with you.

Bill G. December 4, 2011 at 8:01 pm

Just a couple more things about this Men’s Health article, then I’ll shut the fuck up already. For “helpful hint” #1 (tell her, “You know, you’re the only person I’d ever tolerate talking to me like that. You’re that amazing.”), are you fucking kidding me? How does a guy expect to say that without winding up running for his life?

For #4 (Thinking about leaving her? Think about this first: No woman is perfect. The next one you pick up could indeed be cooler, hornier, and wealthier. But you’ll soon grow tired of her crap, too.): This runs counter to everything in the article. Why go through the effort to keep her when it’s a “fact” that they’re all bitches that you’ll soon tire of? Shit, run now. Drunk-fucking is where it’s at, so piss on the relationship stuff. Hit the bar and take home whatever flotsam is left at the end of the bar at closing time. Give her the best 45 seconds of your life and never call her again since none of them are worth getting to know anyway. Or if you want to save time, the liquor store and porno shop are your key ingredients to an enchanted evening.

The fucktard that wrote this could never have been in anything resembling a reasonable relationship. I hope every prospective girlfriend hears him brag about being a writer for Men’s Health, looks up his writing on the internet, and finds this steaming pantload waiting. This shit is MAYBE passable for a guy when he’s young enough and cute enough for stupid college freshmen girls to give him a shot even when there should be a million alarm bells ringing. When he’s 35, starting to get a bit of a gut, and he doesn’t have the skin tone or body of an 18 year old surfer because the beer, cigars, and greasy food are catching up FAST, forget it. This fucker will have reality knocked into him or wind up blowing his brains out while high/drunk and lamenting his wasted life.

Cue up Joe Pesci to tell this author what’s up: http://www.coolmoviesounds.com/wavs/lowlife.wav

Cyprium December 4, 2011 at 8:07 pm

Oh Bill, you have gained a coveted spot in my heart with your rant. You don’t have to shut the fuck up, you should just find the article at Men’s Health and comment there. (By all means, don’t stop commenting here in the mean time)

Yeah, this guy is a tool. (And probably lives in his mother’s basement barely making ends meet with his sad contributions to magazines like “Men’s Health”, using his online degree in journalism at $50 a pop.

Noa December 4, 2011 at 9:17 pm

I really think this article might have been written by a woman trying to be a “bro,” because these suggestions are too absurd for me to think Men’s Health is being real anymore. Even Joe Pesci thinks so.

Bill G. December 5, 2011 at 12:11 am

No doubt, maybe it’s satire that’s obvious in the printed magazine packaging but not obvious from a stand-alone online article. I’ve never subscribed to Men’s Health but I’ve read it in the breakroom at work. There’s a lot of bullshit articles be passed off as factual.

Being a guy, it bothers me what the media and society tells teen boys what they have to do to be men, and most of it is flaming bullshit. If you’re not fucking her by the 2nd date, you’re doing it wrong or she’s a bible-thumper bitch who should be dumped immediately. I got a gift subscription to Maxim in 2003 for a year and what a titanic load of shit that was. I appreciate the good looking girls, but so much of it is frat-boy shit.

It just really bothers me that so much of the printed media and movies tells young males that they’re not men unless they’re out slinking around like an alley cat, drinking like a fish four days a week and sticking their dick in anything female the other 3 days of the week. A lot of society’s problems stem from that.

I’m not some bible-thumper who thinks you should be a virgin on your wedding day, but I’ve seen enough of the other side. I didn’t get married until I was 35 (had a daughter at 37) and spent way too much of my life drinking and chasing sluts. It’s dumb fucking nowhere shit.

Noa December 8, 2011 at 6:56 pm

PREACH, BROTHER.

Meg August 16, 2012 at 10:17 am

This is my favorite blog post ever. By anybody. Ever.

Pigeons and my parents? The grocery store? Really?! Where the eff do they come up with this stuff?!
Meg recently posted..We Are Warriors!

Bill G. August 16, 2012 at 9:18 pm

No joke, what a gift to find this in my e-mail inbox today. This post is the one that convinced me to follow Noa’s blog on a regular basis.

Bill G. August 18, 2012 at 4:05 pm

I still drop by the Men’s Health occasionally to see what kind of steaming pantload they’ve dropped next. Subscribe to this rag if you want to get stupider by the minute. 98% of the articles are “do this to get bigger muscles” or “what are the Aboriginies/African Zulus/Vikings….doing to bulk up?” 1% is about some rich guy’s next adventure on the other side of the world and 1% is relationship advice.

The relationship advice is a complete waste in this mag. I understand not wanting your looks to completely go to shit, but trust me, if a guy is THAT obsessed with his looks, he’s not in a relationship and doesn’t want one, he’s out chasing pussy in every bar from here to Timbuktu. You get a few metrosexuals in relationships that spend 6 hrs a day in front of the mirror and freak out if they gain a pound but that’s not the norm at all. If you’re dating a guy that subscribes to this fishwrap RUN.

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