I am a half-step from Hulk-Rage right now.
Gifts.com, just…Jesus H. Christ, y’all. Moreover, people who create a need in the market for the following products, I am loathe of your very existence.
This is a bucket. A $40 bucket.
They are selling this goddamn bucket as a ‘green baby bath.’ IT’S A MOTHERFUCKING BUCKET. Grace feeds goats out of this shit, and she’d be happy to toss your baby in it and swirl that bitch around for about $40.
Grace offers a spin cycle with her baby bucket. Take that.
This is the least romantic thing I’ve ever seen.
If I could choose what I wrote on it, I would have each one of them read, “Suck my Dick.” Because really, that’s the message you’re going for anyway.
Is this meant to be a weapon?
This can only be one of two things–a terrible, sticky dildo or a weapon, because eating that whole thing is a hellish prospect. Can you imagine the heft behind that when you slam that into a burglar’s face? Or what the police report says? “Victim slapped the assailant with a giant gummy worm. Assailant is listed in critical condition with gelatin related injuries.”
The woman in this picture feels the same way I do about this goddamn gift.
This. Is. Horrifying. There is nothing more terrifyingly creepy than being given a stuffed animal that looks like you. What do you do with that as a gift? Aside from whipping that shit directly into an incinerator while it maniacally laughs, are there display options for a shittily stuffed version of you that doesn’t make it look like a shrine? This gift essentially makes you YOUR OWN STALKER.
Oh, thank God. Just what I always fucking wanted.
One square foot of Scotland, Nana? You thought I might enjoy that more than a gift card to, you know, anywhere? Or just a slap in the face telling me I’m clearly your least favorite grandchild? Fuck that, Nana, fuck that.
Did you know that you can get literally anything in a, “_______ of the month club,” gift? Gifts.com has TWENTY-FIVE PAGES OF THEM.
You can even make your own if you want to!
There are so many options here, folks. For $75, I’m going to have them mail a baby kangaroo to Grace every month on the 7th. And on the 12th of each month, Lana is getting 95 apricots. Maybe I’ll get Adrian a new crack pipe every month on the 28th. Can they mail rabid ferrets? Is it too much to ask to have them shake the box of ferrets upon arrival to Taylor Momsen’s house on the 17th?
Fuck. Me. Running.
I give up.
Who’s the recipient of your, “______ of the month,” selection, and what are they getting?
Also, I want to thank each and every one of you who commented on last Wednesday’s post wherein I violated your privacy. I was touched and laughed out loud at each comment, and got to meet some fantastic people who read. I love it–please don’t stop now.