Filled with Gift Option Rage

05/02/2011 · 49 comments

in Grace, My Family Is Strikingly Odd., Social Services, What Is Wrong With You?

I am a half-step from Hulk-Rage right now.

Gifts.com, just…Jesus H. Christ, y’all. Moreover, people who create a need in the market for the following products, I am loathe of your very existence.

This is a bucket. A $40 bucket.

I fucking hate you.

They are selling this goddamn bucket as a ‘green baby bath.’ IT’S A MOTHERFUCKING BUCKET. Grace feeds goats out of this shit, and she’d be happy to toss your baby in it and swirl that bitch around for about $40.

Grace offers a spin cycle with her baby bucket. Take that.

This is the least romantic thing I’ve ever seen.

If I could choose what I wrote on it, I would have each one of them read, “Suck my Dick.” Because really, that’s the message you’re going for anyway.

Is this meant to be a weapon?

This can only be one of two things–a terrible, sticky dildo or a weapon, because eating that whole thing is a hellish prospect. Can you imagine the heft behind that when you slam that into a burglar’s face? Or what the police report says? “Victim slapped the assailant with a giant gummy worm. Assailant is listed in critical condition with gelatin related injuries.”

The woman in this picture feels the same way I do about this goddamn gift.

AHHHHHHHH! *Breathe* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

This. Is. Horrifying. There is nothing more terrifyingly creepy than being given a stuffed animal that looks like you. What do you do with that as a gift? Aside from whipping that shit directly into an incinerator while it maniacally laughs, are there display options for a shittily stuffed version of you that doesn’t make it look like a shrine? This gift essentially makes you YOUR OWN STALKER.

Oh, thank God. Just what I always fucking wanted.

One square foot of Scotland, Nana? You thought I might enjoy that more than a gift card to, you know, anywhere? Or just a slap in the face telling me I’m clearly your least favorite grandchild? Fuck that, Nana, fuck that.

Did you know that you can get literally anything in a, “_______ of the month club,” gift? Gifts.com has TWENTY-FIVE PAGES OF THEM.

You can even make your own if you want to!

The possibilities.

There are so many options here, folks. For $75, I’m going to have them mail a baby kangaroo to Grace every month on the 7th. And on the 12th of each month, Lana is getting 95 apricots. Maybe I’ll get Adrian a new crack pipe every month on the 28th. Can they mail rabid ferrets? Is it too much to ask to have them shake the box of ferrets upon arrival to Taylor Momsen’s house on the 17th?

Fuck. Me. Running.

I give up.

Who’s the recipient of your, “______ of the month,” selection, and what are they getting?

Also, I want to thank each and every one of you who commented on last Wednesday’s post wherein I violated your privacy. I was touched and laughed out loud at each comment, and got to meet some fantastic people who read. I love it–please don’t stop now.

Shane May 2, 2011 at 3:49 am

We had the bucket for our first baby. The whole time I was all “It’s a fucking bucket,” while at the same time trying to come up with some similar idea to make me rich. Kept trying some kind of better baby diaperer machine, with hoses and dryers, where you just stick the kid in up to its waist and then pull it out, all newly diapered, but I wasn’t getting enough copy. Like your post.

Noa May 2, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Glad you liked it. I’m willing to assist in the funding of babycare devices that make it efficient and practical to pop out some house rodents to do my bidding.

Brandi May 2, 2011 at 5:58 am

So, about those lifelike stuffed animal things– The Army gave my two youngest kids each something called a “Daddy Doll” before my husband left for Afghanistan. It’s a soft doll made out of camo fabric, and there’s a clear pocket where the face is. You put an actual photo of the soldier’s face into the pocket and viola! It’s a stuffed daddy!

THEY ARE THE CREEPIEST GODDAMN THINGS EVER!

And my kids don’t ever use them for comfort, as they’re intended. Instead, these stuffed versions of my husband hang out in the bathtub of the dream house with that whore Barbie, or go on Nazi killing sprees with Indiana Jones action figures, or my favorite–was used as a surrogate mother to nurse stuffed kittens.
Brandi recently posted..Princess Fever

Noa May 2, 2011 at 2:29 pm

Here’s a run through of my emotional reaction to this comment.
Paragraph 1: “Way to go, Noa–these things have a real purpose for children and there I go pissing all over it. I essentially told Brandi’s kids that I hate their father.”
Paragraphs 2 & 3: “I should have known better than to think she would like something as fucking creepy as those dolls.”

It was quite the rollercoaster.

hoodyhoo May 2, 2011 at 6:25 am

Okay, I give up — I must really be you. Before I even started reading, I looked at the picture and thought “Huh. Baby in a bucket.”
As for the others:
2. “Speaking” Roses sounds like they should talk, like I should be able to record my own personal greeting in them. And if that’s the case, then $70 is a bargain at twice the price! “Oh, flowers, how swee–” “I watch you pee.”
3. “The most delicious 4,000 calorie candy worm in existence.” Yeah, all the other ones taste like hot ass and feet.
4. If someone gives you a stuffed version of yourself… you know they have a dozen more at home…
5. Choice of 2 responses: #1 “I’m already a laird! Wait, there’s an ‘i’…”
#2 “They can get me laird? Wait, there’s an ‘r’…”
6. Things of the month — I say we do a collection of these and other terrible, fucked up and unwanted gifts… “Twelve months of presents… EACH ONE LESS WELCOME THAN THE LAST!” Bwahahahhaa!
hoodyhoo recently posted..Here We Go Again

Noa May 2, 2011 at 2:31 pm

The ___ of the month reminds me of that episode of Everybody Loves Raymond where he gives his parents the fruit of the month and they’re so pissed and I can only wonder what would happen if it were better than fruit. Codpiece of the month, Grandad?

nova May 2, 2011 at 9:57 am

Alright, I’ll be honest here…I’d be stoked to own a foot of Scotland. And then I’d go visit it and stand on it and stuff. It would be awesome.

Noa May 2, 2011 at 2:32 pm

I imagine you setting up a tiny homestead on this land. You’re right, it would be awesome.

elizabeth- flourish in progress May 2, 2011 at 10:57 am

Well, goddamnit, I guess it’s back to the drawing board for your birthday gift. It’s only like 7 weeks away, so don’t blame me if you end up getting something stupid now that I know you don’t want your Scented Pillow Spray of the Month Club membership.

You know what, fuck it, that’s what you’re getting for your birthday. And when you lay your head down on a pillow that’s been newly sprayed with the aromas of Indian Curry Scent or Spilled Gasoline Scent, you WILL THANK ME.
elizabeth- flourish in progress recently posted..i need protection from myself

Noa May 2, 2011 at 2:33 pm

Can you make sure to get goat shit and rotting lasagna smell? Those are especially wonderful. Adrian will thank you.

Grace May 2, 2011 at 2:49 pm

I can get that goat shit for you, when do you need it by?

Noa May 2, 2011 at 3:26 pm

Goat shit SCENT. Like one of those weird fake candles I gave you.

Andi May 2, 2011 at 11:29 am

I find myself wondering if the Scots know that someone is selling off their land piecemeal. They tend to be a warlike and territorial tribal culture after all. I mean, I’m offended on their behalf and I’m only slightly Scotch. Scottish. Whatevs.

Also, I had to tell the hubs recently that flowers as a gift do not convey what he thinks they do. Seriously, giving someone flowers is like saying, “See this? This beautiful living thing in the prime of its life? Well, I cut it down and brought it to you so you can keep it in your house and watch it fade and die. That’s how I think of you.” Dude, that’s a threat.

Noa May 2, 2011 at 2:35 pm

Right? Do you think they’re selling of other people’s land? One day the family farm is nothing but square feet belonging to the Smith family from Ohio. Fenced off.

I share your sentiments about flowers–was it Allie Brosh who said it’s like bringing someone a dead cat for Valentine’s Day? “Gee thanks, NOW I’ll sleep with you.”

Also–thanks for the comment!

Kelly May 2, 2011 at 12:59 pm

Like Brandi, my kids got those too. They make great dog chew toys.

I might be okay with a snippet of Scotland. Does it come with a hot guy in a kilt? Can I go to Scotland to stand on my square foot and go all William Wallace when someone dares to step on my property?

I bet I’m dead sexy in face paint.
Kelly recently posted..I see the sun

Noa May 2, 2011 at 2:37 pm

Does the Military give them to you, or a charity? Cause it’s pretty weird.

There’s now three of you ready to go and defend your Scottish land. You absolutely can start a William Wallace revolt.

Kelly May 2, 2011 at 11:01 pm

I’m not sure exactly where they came from. Hubs brought them home one day. Went a little like this.

Him: um, I’m supposed to give these to the kids, with my picture in it, so they remember me and hit, not this fake douche who’s already in this thing’s head.

Me: it looks like a camo voodoo doll. I’m NOT putting your picture in that! What if Q slams it into the wall? I don’t want you randomly slamming into a wall! Or steps on his gender-neutral privates?! I want more kids, dammit! And what’s with the Rasta yarn hair? You have a high and tight!!!

Which led into a really in depth convo about what we both would look like with dreads, and the dog snuck off with one of the dolls. I’ll get you a pic of the one that hasn’t been chewed to death tomorrow. You should share in the creepiness.
Kelly recently posted..I see the sun

Kelly May 2, 2011 at 11:02 pm

GD iPad. Hit = shit.
Kelly recently posted..I see the sun

Kelly May 2, 2011 at 11:05 pm

ps… If that bucket resembles my womb, as they claim, no wonder my kid wanted out so damned bad.
Kelly recently posted..I see the sun

Noa May 3, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Right? I was unaware that my uterus resembled a feedbag.

Noa May 3, 2011 at 2:01 pm

It’s fucking weird, and I’m glad you’re all agreeing with me.

Grace May 2, 2011 at 2:51 pm

Ok, I’m calling bullshit…you were VERY dissappointed that I wasn’t giving you a square foot of Scottland for your birthday…like really pissed. WTF????

Noa May 2, 2011 at 3:27 pm

That’s legit the first time I’ve ever seen you use WTF. So, you know, WTF.

Just because it’s absurd doesn’t mean I don’t want it. I also want an autistic mini-donkey. Absurd, but awesome.

Grace May 2, 2011 at 3:33 pm

There is no such thing as autism in animals. Narcoplepsy is quite common in equids, but not autism. You’re out of luck, sister.

Noa May 2, 2011 at 4:15 pm

DAMNIT. You just shattered my dreams.

Kaye May 2, 2011 at 4:08 pm

A bucket….really, a bucket…. I do not like that. I don’t really like baths anyway. You just sit there in your own filth, unless you take a shower afterwards, then a bath is ok but you’re better off just taking a shower in the first place. You’d definitely save water and electricity. My rant is over.

Noa May 2, 2011 at 4:17 pm

I wish they had baths that are like those 4-D movie theatres where they show a movie in 3-D and then slam you around for a while. That way you’re all warm and relaxed, but are developing ADD and being entertained.

Kim May 2, 2011 at 6:21 pm

If you do choose to send Grace a baby kangaroo every month, I think that her vet school friends would appreciate being allowed to play with and/or steal some of her baby kangaroos. She can’t possibly need 12!

Noa May 2, 2011 at 9:49 pm

You’re right, she can’t possibly need 12, but knowing her, she’d train them to be be goat wranglers. Because if you know Grace (and I have a feeling you might), she can’t let good help go to waste.

Grace May 3, 2011 at 6:06 pm

I will share Kim, one should arrive Saturday…just in time to refresh us after this finals hell week!

Noa May 3, 2011 at 7:51 pm

We’ll take him to the bar too.

Coco May 2, 2011 at 7:08 pm

I’m thinking that I need to get everyone I know a stuffed me! That would be fucking awesome. The large dildo looking worm though, yeah, that’s creepy.
Coco recently posted..Booger Breath

Noa May 2, 2011 at 9:48 pm

And you can watch everyone you know run screaming away from you.

Amanda May 2, 2011 at 9:35 pm

That gigantic gummy worm would make a great 1/12 part of a dildo of the month gift set.
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Noa May 2, 2011 at 9:48 pm

Oh. My. God. Perfect.

Heather in MT May 2, 2011 at 10:57 pm

I think I’d like to start a dildo of the month club and the first people I’d sign up would be my mother, my mother-in-law and my sister. If any one could use such a club it would be them, it would improve their attitudes and outlook on life.

They have warnings on most buckets about keeping small children away from them and now we are bathing them in buckets?? What the fuck for? It looks like you still have to crouch on the floor to do it! When my daughter was a baby I washed her in the kitchen sink, so much easier on your knees and back. Of course there were days when you had to make a choice between washing the dishes or the baby, because babies and steak knives should be washed separately apparently.

Giant gummy worm could get added to dildo of the month club, they’d never know!

The ‘I am a stuff animal thing’ is super for reinforcing that anorexic behavior by reminding you what you would look like if you weren’t a skeleton.

I think the roses should have all passive aggressive comments/ back handed compliments recorded into them. Because, really? What other sort of message could you possible be sending with a fake flower bouquet?

OMG! We should all become lairds and ladies! and build teeny tiny houses on our itty bitty plots! or we could all take a little piece of plywood over their and do a little clogging to finish off the whole ‘feeling like I’m a laird/lady”.

Noa May 3, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Yeah, the bucket also seemed like it was sending mixed messages to me. “DON’T TOUCH THE BUCKET YOU’LL DROWN, but let’s take a bath in it!” Way to instill fear in children at a young age.

Lindsay May 2, 2011 at 11:34 pm

I especially liked the giant gummy worm. My first thought was, “Wow. That sounds like a giant fucking dildo.” And then it got the part describing the length & that it was ribbed.

I’m glad you inserted your similar comment, because now I don’t feel like such a filthy minded whore.
Lindsay recently posted..Caffeine Lindsay ADHD-like Conversation with Sister

Noa May 3, 2011 at 2:00 pm

We’re all filthy minded whores! Welcome!

Teala May 3, 2011 at 1:37 am

Jutin(e) Bieber is getting pelted with 13 water bottles on the 8th of every month.

On the 23rd of the month, Tom Cruise is going to be the proud recipient of a large man dressed as a yellow couch. Tom will be screaming while the large, yellow couch man jumps on him. Every fucking month.

Ke$ha. She can get have a bottle of ‘Jack’ and a toothbrush every month on the 17th. Followed by a free visit to the dentist.

To you, Almighty Noa, I bestow a new “warrior-princess” name each month on the 7th. The 7th of May so I better get started. Your “warrior-princess” name will come with a backstory too. You get to be someone new each month!

Noa May 3, 2011 at 2:00 pm

I love this plan so so much.

KatieBee May 3, 2011 at 3:51 am

A $40 bucket?!?!?!

HULK SMASH!!!!!

Noa May 3, 2011 at 2:00 pm

Agreed, yo.

Jaclyn May 3, 2011 at 8:27 am

The bucket is truly ridiculous. The description might as well say “are you tired of having to look after your infant as he bathes?”. Also, the gummy worm description could not have sounded more like a dildo if they tried “ribbed, with a 5 inch girth”. Seriously? I love you for finding this crazy shit.

Noa May 3, 2011 at 1:41 pm

They show her all hunched over this bucket like it’s a new goddamn device. Haven’t we been washing infants in buckets for years? Like, Ingalls style? We’re supposed to be moving forward here, folks.

Kernut the Blond May 3, 2011 at 5:51 pm

The giant gummy worm? Obscene. I’m a little freaked out right now.

The one square foot of land in Scotland officially making me a Lady? Fuckin’ awesome.
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Noa May 3, 2011 at 7:50 pm

Right? I’m Lady Noa Gavin of Scotland, funnier than your grandma, motherfuckers.

Rachael May 17, 2011 at 1:10 pm

I’m suddenly really tempted to create my own of-the-month club. Hooker-of-the-month. The 12th of every month, a hooker will show up on your doorstep, and she’s already been paid for three hours. Who do I even send that to?
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Noa May 17, 2011 at 8:03 pm

Your mother, obviously.

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