For fuck’s sake, yo.
Several dear friends of mine are undergoing major medical issues right now, and in the search for the perfect get well soon loot for them, I’ve naturally stumbled upon a clusterfuck of horrors.
As always, it starts off innocently enough.
1. Jar of Wishes
Let’s start with the fact that this is a $40 jar of paper with crap like, “We hope you get well soon because you are too special to be sick,” and “Don’t frown because you never know who’s falling in love with your smile.”
Fuck you. You already know how I feel about paltry well-wishes, but this crap doesn’t even make sense. Frankly, I don’t think too many in the hospital are falling in love with your smile during your 4 AM catheter check. If I were sick and received this, I would wish death on whomever sent me these. “Well, at least they wrote on all the notes themselves WAITAMINUTE what is this bullshit?”
For $40, I will come to your home with hookers and cocaine, and that’s honestly a much better value.
2. Blow Your Troubles Away Bubble Wand
Totally legit, y’all. A $40 bubble wand. A Silver fucking bubble wand. Did you know for $42 you can buy 336 things of bubbles from Oriental Trading?
Given the choice between a sharply ended silver bubble wand and THREE HUNDRED THIRTY-SIX JARS OF BUBBLES WITH WAND INCLUDED, I’m going to go for volume.
3. Engraved Pill Divider
I get the point of this from the giver’s perspective–you’re trying to give an ill person something they can actually use in their recovery. What is actually says is, “You’re sick enough to warrant an engraved pill divider because you’ll be ill for the rest of your life. ENJOY.”
4. Tibetan Singing Bowl
I’m not going to sit here and pretend that I know what the hell a singing bowl is, but for $90 the damn thing better actually grow a mouth and sing Pavarotti to me.
5. Just Smile Bouquet
You’re really letting your terminal illness get you down. BE HAPPY GOD DAMNIT.
At $9 this is a bargain for a cuddly incurable venereal disease. “Sorry about your AIDS. At least it’s not herpes OHWAIT.” Also makes a great baby shower gift.
Let me just preface this one by saying that in no way am I shitting you–this was actually on Amazon’s Get Well Soon suggestion list. And also I will be purchasing this item for all current and future get well soon needs.
7. Cursin’ Boobjob SwearBear
Do you see her almost-nip-slip situation there? This is fucking spectacular. I wondered how this was a get well gift when I read the review (I’m nothing if not a careful consumer).
“OMG THIS HAS GOT TO BE THE MOST OUTSTANDING TEDDY BEAR EVER, I LOVE HER SOOO MUCH.. I HAD A FRIEND PURCHASE THIS FOR ME AS A GET WELL PRESENT FOR WHEN I GET MY BREAST IMPLANTS ([…])<— CHECK OUT THEIR SITE YOU CAN HELP MANY GIRLS ACHIEVE THEIR DREAMS OR LADIES YOU CAN ACHIEVE YOUR DREAMS THEIR AS I DID!”
I, in no way, have altered this review. Not only has the Cursin’ Boobjob SwearBear brought about deep feelings of love and devotion with this woman after her boobjob–it, and her titties, have helped her achieve her dreams.
I would like to live in this world–where titties and teddybears heal my hurts and fulfill my every desire.
Rebecca, dear, this one’s coming your way. I’m sure your children will love it.
Ever received something weird as a get well soon gift?