Wishing You Good Health And Douchery

04/13/2011 · 31 comments

in Psychological Warfare, What Is Wrong With You?

For fuck’s sake, yo.

Several dear friends of mine are undergoing major medical issues right now, and in the search for the perfect get well soon loot for them, I’ve naturally stumbled upon a clusterfuck of horrors.

As always, it starts off innocently enough.

1. Jar of Wishes

Let’s start with the fact that this is a $40 jar of paper with crap like, “We hope you get well soon because you are too special to be sick,” and “Don’t frown because you never know who’s falling in love with your smile.”

Fuck you. You already know how I feel about paltry well-wishes, but this crap doesn’t even make sense. Frankly, I don’t think too many in the hospital are falling in love with your smile during your 4 AM catheter check. If I were sick and received this, I would wish death on whomever sent me these. “Well, at least they wrote on all the notes themselves WAITAMINUTE what is this bullshit?”

For $40, I will come to your home with hookers and cocaine, and that’s honestly a much better value.

2. Blow Your Troubles Away Bubble Wand

Totally legit, y’all. A $40 bubble wand. A Silver fucking bubble wand. Did you know for $42 you can buy 336 things of bubbles from Oriental Trading?

Given the choice between a sharply ended silver bubble wand and THREE HUNDRED THIRTY-SIX JARS OF BUBBLES WITH WAND INCLUDED, I’m going to go for volume.

3. Engraved Pill Divider

I get the point of this from the giver’s perspective–you’re trying to give an ill person something they can actually use in their recovery. What is actually says is, “You’re sick enough to warrant an engraved pill divider because you’ll be ill for the rest of your life. ENJOY.”

4. Tibetan Singing Bowl

I’m not going to sit here and pretend that I know what the hell a singing bowl is, but for $90 the damn thing better actually grow a mouth and sing Pavarotti to me.

5. Just Smile Bouquet

You’re really letting your terminal illness get you down. BE HAPPY GOD DAMNIT.

6. Herpes

At $9 this is a bargain for a cuddly incurable venereal disease. “Sorry about your AIDS. At least it’s not herpes OHWAIT.” Also makes a great baby shower gift.

Let me just preface this one by saying that in no way am I shitting you–this was actually on Amazon’s Get Well Soon suggestion list. And also I will be purchasing this item for all current and future get well soon needs.

7. Cursin’ Boobjob SwearBear

Do you see her almost-nip-slip situation there? This is fucking spectacular. I wondered how this was a get well gift when I read the review (I’m nothing if not a careful consumer).

“OMG THIS HAS GOT TO BE THE MOST OUTSTANDING TEDDY BEAR EVER, I LOVE HER SOOO MUCH.. I HAD A FRIEND PURCHASE THIS FOR ME AS A GET WELL PRESENT FOR WHEN I GET MY BREAST IMPLANTS ([…])<— CHECK OUT THEIR SITE YOU CAN HELP MANY GIRLS ACHIEVE THEIR DREAMS OR LADIES YOU CAN ACHIEVE YOUR DREAMS THEIR AS I DID!”

I, in no way, have altered this review. Not only has the Cursin’ Boobjob SwearBear brought about deep feelings of love and devotion with this woman after her boobjob–it, and her titties, have helped her achieve her dreams.

I would like to live in this world–where titties and teddybears heal my hurts and fulfill my every desire.

Rebecca, dear, this one’s coming your way. I’m sure your children will love it.

Ever received something weird as a get well soon gift?

Lianne Marie Binks April 13, 2011 at 3:11 am

After my friend gave birth I didn’t give her flowers or babygros or anything cutesy. I bought her a MASSIVE bouquet of brie, cranberry sauce, bread and bacon so that she could make the sandwiches that she wasn’t allowed through her pregnancy and a bottle of red wine so that she could get the baby pissed through her breast milk.
I’m a good friend.

Johi April 13, 2011 at 9:00 am

You are a good friend, aside from cleaning her house, that is the best post pregnancy gift ever.
Johi recently posted..Red Dog

Noa April 13, 2011 at 2:44 pm

Agreed.

Noa April 13, 2011 at 2:42 pm

DAMN you are a good friend. I will use this idea in the future–because the prospect of anything involving babies baffles and terrifies me.

Melissa April 14, 2011 at 11:36 am

Wait — are those things you’re not supposed to eat during pregnancy? Or is that something specific to her? If i can’t eat brie and bacon I’m not having babies. This is worrisome.
Melissa recently posted..RADISH MURDERER and tomato seedling update

Noa April 14, 2011 at 7:22 pm

Right? I thought I was out on no-wine alone, but NO BACON?

hoodyhoo April 13, 2011 at 6:26 am

I want that fucking bear. And I have PT this morning, so chop-chop!
hoodyhoo recently posted..Put That BACK!

Noa April 13, 2011 at 2:44 pm

I can’t find anywhere that it lists what she says…but I have a feeling you’d really like it.

Johi April 13, 2011 at 9:01 am

I think the engraved bubble wand would be spectacular if it said “Blow Me”.
Johi recently posted..Red Dog

Noa April 13, 2011 at 2:44 pm

And also if the loop was vagina shaped and the stick was a dick.

Heather in MT April 13, 2011 at 5:56 pm

I’m going to go sign up for a metal smithing class so I can make these!

Noa April 14, 2011 at 7:22 pm

I will be your first buyer.

Steph April 13, 2011 at 2:29 pm

When I had my wisdom teeth out, my douche (very ex boyfriend now) boyfriend brought me laffy taffy and jolly ranchers to eat.. you know, because I couldn’t fucking chew.

Noa April 13, 2011 at 2:47 pm

Ohhhh what a wonderful man! I’m having my wisdom teeth out next month-and I’m currently stockpiling popsicles like the sun is going to explode.

KatieTheBlogLady April 13, 2011 at 3:27 pm

Noa, these are some incredible finds! And I know just the person I want to give Herpes to! Thanks!

Noa April 13, 2011 at 3:37 pm

You’re so welcome. Enjoy the gifting of Herpes!

Mom Of Wild Ones April 14, 2011 at 1:40 pm

Oh where to begin with this Treasure trove of happiness you have found.

The silver buble wand – If ever I received this I would first laugh then cut a bitch – DEEP.

The boobie cursing bear – This makes me happy and honestly I would love to have it. Probably cause I have huge fake fun bags and I cuss. ALOT. I would sit it on my desk and pull the string at least every hour. I would also probably have to take the top off the bear just out of curiousity. SICK FUCK

The Tibetan Singing Bowl – The Only way this could make anyone feel better is if it came with 1)another bowl 2) a hot chick 3) a video camera
Catch my drift?? Not many of you will
Mom Of Wild Ones recently posted..The truth about Mothers Day

Noa April 14, 2011 at 7:21 pm

Oh Man, you had to take it there, yeah? That’s why you’re in the League.

elizabeth- flourish in progress April 14, 2011 at 3:35 pm

This has been a very difficult post to comment on, as I am still in a shitload of shock. When I gave you the smiling herpes plush, you told me you really, really liked it. I can see now that you were just lying. Oh, how my heart aches.
elizabeth- flourish in progress recently posted..Oh- I think we both know why

Noa April 14, 2011 at 7:20 pm

No, no Liz. You gave me real herpes, not smiley herpes.

Chicsinger simone April 15, 2011 at 1:00 pm

Damn it how come I miss all the good parties!?

Noa April 15, 2011 at 3:11 pm

You don’t. You arrive fashionably late.

elizabeth- flourish in progress April 15, 2011 at 5:00 pm

You have such a big mouth. I told you I’d pay for the damn Valtrex.
elizabeth- flourish in progress recently posted..Oh- I think we both know why

Amanda April 14, 2011 at 10:14 pm

I love the Cursin’ Boobjob Swearbear! Is it wrong that I am thinking about having surgery now just to get one of those bad girls? I’d have to send it to myself, but it would be worth it!
Amanda recently posted..Random Statement of the Day

Noa April 15, 2011 at 3:11 pm

I’m considering sending them all to members of my family anonymously.

Mom Of Wild Ones April 18, 2011 at 12:18 pm

If you have surgery, I will send you the bear. I will also require a pic of the new fun bags.
Mom Of Wild Ones recently posted..The truth about Mothers Day

Noa April 18, 2011 at 3:29 pm

Tits for tat, right?

The Young Girl April 15, 2011 at 10:52 am

My friend got the herpes plush when she was in the hospital and has now collected the Clap and Syphilis. She really wants Chlamydia. My friends are special.
The Young Girl recently posted..Hey- nice rack

Noa April 15, 2011 at 3:11 pm

There’s really no polite way to say, “that’s a really nice collection of STD’s.”

Jenn May 25, 2011 at 10:52 am

My friends gave me the Christmas set of Giant Microbes. They come wearing Santa garb and ready to hang on your Christmas tree. Nothing says Yuletide like a stuffed Mono!

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