If you don’t yet believe how fucked up I am, here’s a small sampling of the thoughts I’ve had within the past 48 hours.

———————————————

Dear God, if I have to leave my mom in this ghetto and go hike down the road, there’s a real and present threat that this will be the last time I ever see her. What do I give her to defend herself? The old atlas, maybe? Rolled up paper probably doesn’t work on Thugs like it works on cats. Thugs aren’t pussies. HAH.

Oh shit. How the hell do I explain this to her husband?

“The important thing is that I am okay. Mom may or may not have been human trafficked today. Sorry ’bout that.”

WHY IS THERE SO MUCH RAZORWIRE?

———————————————

I wonder if those people will notice if I took their mini-donkey? He’d totally fit in the backseat. I’d name him Tonto and he’d do really well living in my home with me. I would ride him everywhere. Best friends forever.

———————————————-

THIS GUY doesn’t know how to drive on backroads at-fucking-all. SIXTY-FIVE CROTCHMUNCH.

You know what? If I kept a crate of dildos next to me in the car, it would really send the, “you’re a dick,” message home. I mean, it’s got a natural handle and stick in it and some good heft–I bet if I wanged it hard enough at a car, I would bust up some of that tempered glass. Nothing would say, “FUCK YOU,” like a pink glitter dildo getting whizzed at your windshield. I mean, what would you even say when that happens?

“Hold on Hank, there’s a giant wang stuck under my wipers!”

———————————————

Would it be viable for me to hide a dog in our house until Adrian comes around to the fact that we actually need one? He’s not even home all day–he’d really probably not notice, and if he does I can just pass it off like he’s really crazy.

“Adrian, there are no dogs here. That’s ridiculous.”
“Then what is THAT THING RIGHT THERE.”
“Paranoid delusion. Take some Nyquil.”

Yeah. That would probably work.

———————————————

They should have announced the death of Gary Coleman by saying, “WHATCHU TALKIN’ ‘BOUT, CEREBRAL HEMORRHAGE?” It would have been what he wanted.

———————————————

Did that sign just say Autistic Child? What the hell…

What do I do, exactly? I mean, he’s warned me, but…what now?

Do I wear reflective clothing? Are there traps set in the area? Do I play dead or shout loudly so as to startle? Flash my lights? Try to engage or hide?

What precautions are being taken already? I feel incredibly underprepared for this moment of my life. I have so many questions.

———————————————

I’m a really terrible person. Ever thought something you really really shouldn’t say?

Lianne Marie Binks April 4, 2011 at 3:08 am

*dies laughing*
I think you should definitely throw sparkly pink dildos at windshields.
Definitely!
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Noa April 5, 2011 at 5:09 pm

Done. Now I have to explain to Adrian why I have 136 pink glitter dildos on order.

hoodyhoo April 4, 2011 at 6:19 am

Never have I winged (wanged?) a dildo at someone, but I did once drunkenly wing leftover crab legs at other motorists — I had decided they had been in the car too long to eat, but I didn’t want them to go to WASTE.

And Dear Sweet Mama and I once hid a dachshund puppy in the bedroom closet to try to keep my dad from finding out we had gotten it… it didn’t work, he has keen cop instincts and the barking tipped him off.
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Noa April 5, 2011 at 5:10 pm

Crab Legs, dildos–they’re all pretty much the same. AND IT WAS TOTALLY A DACHSHUND THAT I WANTED. Hoody…are you me?

hoodyhoo April 6, 2011 at 6:03 am

It does seem frighteningly possible…
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Noa April 6, 2011 at 1:10 pm

Dear God.

SassyO April 4, 2011 at 7:10 am

Well, considering the fact that my former husband and his girlfriend are having a baby THIS VERY DAY, there are about 17 million inappropriate statements rushing around my feeble brain right now.

But – I shall tell you a different story. I happen to have been born without a right hand. I have awesome parents, so no biggie. And I’ve been lucky here in the ATL to have found work as a professional actress, despite what many would consider my “handicap.”

I performed in MACBETH one year as one of the witches and was double-cast as the gentlewoman to Lady M. I wore a cosmetic hand in the latter role.

After a school matinee, when the students were allowed to ask questions, one of them raised his hand, pointed at me, and in a wide Villa Ricca accent drawled, “how’d you get that NUB?”

and….scene.

Noa April 5, 2011 at 5:11 pm

I can loan you some pink glitter dildos to wang at your ex if you like.

Also–EXCELLENT. I hope you told him you lost your hand in a knife fight.

SassyO April 5, 2011 at 7:05 pm

I have, upon occasion, come up with fun answers to that question: “Bitten off by a dog/swordfighting accident/ shut in the car door/shark attack.”I have also more than once let my cosmetic hand “fall off” in public. Because I’m just really mean that way. ;)

And I think a pink glitter dildo is just what the Dr. ordered! Please send one, post haste.

Noa April 5, 2011 at 10:01 pm

I love it.

Stephanie April 4, 2011 at 9:00 am

Well… it’s not so much that i “thought” it, but I did it… a friend of mine bought a mini donkey… and i couldn’t find a horse trailer to use.. so we put him in the back of my ford expedition… there are pictures on my facebook… SHUT UP, I’M A GOOD FRIEND OK?! I do anything for my friends!

Noa April 5, 2011 at 5:12 pm

YOU ARE AWESOME. It’s only true friends that would put mini-donkeys in an expedition.

Stephanie April 4, 2011 at 9:01 am

Oh and the drive home was over an hour… we put a tarp down but he didnt even once go to the bathroom.. or kick out my windows THANK GOD

Abby April 4, 2011 at 11:10 am

If you have to choose between getting a dog or a mini-donkey, I say you go for the donkey just so you can say you have a little ass.

As for inappropriate thoughts I shouldn’t say? All the time, but unfortunately, I usually end up saying (blogging) them.

Noa April 5, 2011 at 5:12 pm

Abby…holy shit. I have been laughing for days about this little ass bullshit you’ve written. That is truly magical. And now I must own a minidonkey.

elizabeth- flourish in progress April 5, 2011 at 5:52 pm

I like that you know the marriage game. Blame the husband. For everything. Even if it’s your doing. Hiding a dog in the house….obviously, the husband is delusional. Barking? What Barking? That’s the microwave defrosting the meal you so painstakingly made, I mean, bought, at the market.

Also, dildos? Hmmm, a little pissed I wasn’t there to see this. WHY WASN’T I INVITED ON THIS TRIP?
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Noa April 5, 2011 at 10:02 pm

Remember how you said it was always my fault? Liar. Always Adrian’s.

And we’ll go throw dildos next time. BlogHer anyone?

Mona April 5, 2011 at 8:01 pm

I learned a new word which I thought I’d share with you: “Cockalorum”. Means “a self-important little man”. Thought you could use this word the next time you’re throwing around dildos :-)

Noa April 5, 2011 at 10:01 pm

“Cockamamie Cockalorum! HERE’S YOUR WANG!”

Mom Of Wild Ones April 5, 2011 at 9:25 pm

Pink dildos and mini farm animals. That is date night over here.
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Noa April 5, 2011 at 10:01 pm

I had to spit out my tea reading this. Awesome.

Rebecca April 5, 2011 at 11:40 pm

Most of my “please-don’t-say-that-out-loud” moments come at WalMart. Environment is everything. But the most-oft thought in that den of horridness is wanting to go up to these women and say, “Ma’am, as a fellow voluptuous goddess, I feel it is my duty to tell you that if the pants do not begin their lives as spandex leggings, you really should not shove your massive body parts into them until they become such. You’re welcome.”

However, there are two things I am completely terrified of:

1) Clowns (anything that wears that much makeup and is that happy all the time is either my ex-pastor’s wife or a pedophile. Either way I’m not taking any chances.) AND

2) Being sat upon by a 500-lb woman in force-fed spandex.

So the fact that I keep my mouth shut is out of sheer self-preservation, not kindness. But at least I know that. And knowing is half the battle.

Noa April 6, 2011 at 12:06 am

FINALLY. I think people should be ticketed for inappropriate clothing items. “No, ma’am, I don’t believe your ass is Juicy.” “Sir, no one wants to see your armpit and nipple simultaneously, I assure you.”

Also, thanks for the visual of a 500 lb. clown in spandex.

Johi April 7, 2011 at 5:59 pm

Why in the HELL have I not been reading this blog? I don’t know, but that shit ends now.
Off to buy a crate of pink glitter dildos to wang at incompetent drivers and my husband’s old boss. I kind of want to sneak into his office every morning for a week and leave one on top of his desk. Yes, that thought pleases me….
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Noa April 8, 2011 at 1:08 pm

I don’t know why you haven’t been reading it, but I’m damn glad you are now.

You should hide them in places you know he won’t get into unless people are in the room with him. “Let me grab that fileWHATTHEHELL!” “Would you like some candy ISTHATAPENISNEXTTOTHETWIX?”

Delightful.

Lynne May 17, 2011 at 11:02 am

I decided one day that K&W Cafeteria should have to-go boxes in the Happy Meal style, only:

* the boxes would look like little cardboard coffins. pink for the ladies and powder blue for the gents. of course, yellow is available for those who aren’t sure whether by reasons of memory loss or else by choice.
* prizes could be a variety of things; funky reading glasses, fizzy denture cleaner, pill dispensers, the coin purses where you pinch them end-to-end get them open, fold-up plastic rain bonnets, etc.
* stewed prunes could be an alternative to french fries
* there would be a little paper tray to set aside your false teeth on
* at least one mint would be in every box because God knows some old folks got some seriously stanky bref.
* the lunch boxes would only be served from 10a-noon and the dinner ones definitely not after 5p.

Noa May 17, 2011 at 8:10 pm

OH PERFECT. The “sadness meals,” or, “working through retirement kit.”

PorkStar May 18, 2011 at 9:12 am

hahahaha I just found you. Damn you’re funny as hell!

Noa May 18, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Hooray! Glad you like it.

Norway May 30, 2011 at 11:27 pm

If I had abs, they’d be killing me right now. Dang. Wait, doesn’t laughing give you a workout? I’ll say yes. I’m pretty sure that makes you a genius. I’m totally with you on the human trafficking. That seems like the sort of situation I’d get myself into. Like the time I went to Chinatown in NYC and the sketchy Chinese ladies communicated through walkie-talkies that were really phones (why not just use the phone??) and tried to sell us overpriced knockoff purses behind a dumpster? Meanwhile, my friends were buying THEIR overpriced knockoffs in a secret room behind a mirror. And amazingly, we all made it out alive. Good times.

Noa May 31, 2011 at 1:42 pm

I’m glad I could help you gain some core strength today with how fucked up I am. Hooray me! And Hooray Chinese Purses! Secret rooms in chinatown? I see nothing wrong with that at all.

Norway June 6, 2011 at 8:57 pm

Me either. Our professor was the one to show it to them. The secret room even came with its own bodyguard, with tattoos and big arm muscles and everything.
Also, doesn’t laughter make you live longer? Cos we’ll all be immortal.
Wait. This crowd, living forever? That’s a hilarious and terrifying thought.

Noa June 7, 2011 at 12:43 am

I learned through comments today that the socially awkward, laugh at anything crowd is the only set of people appropriately set for the Apocalypse. It’s gonna be great. Like Mad Max meets SNL.

Norway June 8, 2011 at 5:43 pm

Are we talking about the Zombie Apocalypse here? Cos I’m totally prepared for that. My friends and I are gonna survive this thing. And while we’re holed up in our zombie-proof fortress I expect to be reading your blog: “Day 496 of the Zombie Apocalypse and counting. You can only fight these motherfuckers off with dildos for so long, eventually I’m gonna need a macheteOH MY GOD THEY’RE COMING THROUGH THE WINDOWS!!! EVERYONE SAVE YOURSE… braaaains…”
Yes, we’re well prepared over here.

Noa June 8, 2011 at 7:06 pm

I would like to be in that bunker more than anything.

PorkStar March 21, 2013 at 4:31 pm

LMFAO, that was some funny shit, especially about the crate of dildos…. and your mom (?) lol…

I thought I had some crazy shit go through my mind once in a while, but smut is actually not that bad or crazy.
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