This letter was originally written in 2008.

Ma’am,

Your Vagina.

We need to address it. It’s absolutely become an issue.

It was all fun and games until your pube debut.

My cousins Allison and Lana, friends Nowen and Christine and I all work 9-5 jobs and came in to this fine establishment to get shithoused on a girls’ night. We honestly thought it was a joke when you walked up to our table with a round of shots and what I can only describe as a couple of potholders wrapped around, and through, your beaver.

I suppose, in retrospect, it matches the tube sock ’round your tits.

Several rounds in and upon a closer look, I realized that your actual vagina was literally hanging out of your shorts.

I don’t fucking use literally lightly, either.

It’s doing the splits. It’s spread-eagled. It’s wrapped, covering, and fucking gross. It’s a cameltoe crisis here, ma’am. And I don’t appreciate your shitty looks when I begin to shout across the bar, “MA’AM. MA’AM. YOUR VAGINA IS OUT. YOU NEED TO FIX THAT.”

Do you need some assistance? Grab me a pole, some tongs, and a bar rag, and I will absolutely help you tuck that shit back in. Because…goddamn, ma’am, that is fucking unsanitary.

I must admit, I’ve not seen anything quite like this outside of a strip joint, and at least those ladies have the courtesy to have that shit already unwrapped by the time they get to me. I don’t want to see your muff wrong-thonged while I drink my fifth oatmeal cookie. Hrrrpphh. Damn you, ma’am, I just gagged.

Ma’am, your vagina.

I can’t tell if this was intentional or not at this point. Do you think it’s attractive? Are you hoping for larger tips? Do you enjoy the feel of the denim there? I can imagine that it feels like horrible sandpaper, and that you are into some serious BDSM fantasies that I cannot even fathom.

On that note, I can only assume that you have not noticed that your poonani is being ripped in two by your cutoffs, and I am trying to assist you.

Ma’am, your vagina. Let’s tuck that shit back in.

Love from,

Noa D. Gavin, Vagina Noticer

Ever seen someone all un-tucked in public (tits/box/dentures/other)? What did you do?

elizabeth- flourish in progress April 18, 2011 at 4:11 pm

well, this just makes me feel terrible about myself. i’ll send you the therapy bill. i, too, have been guilty of letting things show. i once wore a dress that zipped on the side. and i forgot to zip it. and no one told me ALL DAY LONG. i wondered why the dress was so breezy. but i did not bother to look down. no ma’am. upon my return home, i walked past a mirror and noticed part of a butt cheek. why would a butt cheek be showing in a mirror when i have clothes on? oh, because my dress is unzipped and i’m wearing thongs. well, well, well, free show for everyone, i’m guessing.
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Noa April 19, 2011 at 8:27 pm

I’m so proud of you for walking around all day like that. I’ve been known on more than one occasion to wear my underpants inside out and/or the wrong way, but thankfully, I suffered alone.

Johi April 18, 2011 at 5:56 pm

My personal favorite is when the frank is on one side and the beans on the other, all the junk being smashed like play dough by the tight jeans and proudly on display. Special. It’s like a train wreck; you don’t want to look, yet you can’t avert your eyes.
Johi recently posted..Bad bad book for wasting my precious awake time

Heather in MT April 18, 2011 at 10:42 pm

It’s even worse when it’s being squeezed through the play dough like press of their cut off shorts. Saw this when I was like 10 and selling cookies door to door. The guy was just lounging there in his lawn chair and his junk was oozing out of each pant leg. I was so confused as to what the hell was happening as I didn’t have a clear idea of what should be there… I just new it shouldn’t be that! Makes me throw up a a little bit even now.

Noa April 19, 2011 at 8:25 pm

EWWWWWWWWWW. At 10? What a horrifying first introduction into men’s parts. I mean, it doesn’t get a whole lot better once you grow up, but still.

Noa April 19, 2011 at 8:26 pm

WHY IS YOUR WANG THERE. OH GOD WHY. Not a fantastic visual.

KatieTheBlogLady April 18, 2011 at 10:13 pm

Jesus H. Vagina. You’ve rendered me speechless. That is so fucking awesome.
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Noa April 19, 2011 at 8:26 pm

I’m glad you enjoyed it and that you renamed Jesus.

The Young Girl April 19, 2011 at 9:12 am

There is a kinda slutty girl in my office and she frequently goes around without a bra in a cold office, in those light weight jersey dresses. So she is nippin all the time and it is very distracting because she has large breasts and large nipples that I can see through her top. When she comes in like that all I do is stare at her tits and feel like a big perv. So one day she comes up to my desk to ask me a question and I stop her mid sentence and tell her that her not wearing a bra is very distracting. She covers herself with some papers and walks off. Since then she has been wearing bras!
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Noa April 19, 2011 at 8:25 pm

Good for you for speaking up against nipple crimes. No one should be subjected to that.

momiss April 19, 2011 at 4:45 pm

HOOOOO HAAAWWWWW. If I wasn’t at work I would absolutely give you a standing ovation!!
Thank you for speaking up about this issue. It has made me gag, also. Thank God I don’t drink anymore. I think. lol
momiss recently posted..Its a Mad- Mad- Mad- Mad World

Noa April 19, 2011 at 8:25 pm

I had no idea, until your comment, that this was an issue more than this isolated incident. Now I’m terrified.

momiss April 20, 2011 at 10:37 am

Oh, no, ma’am. It’s everywhere. Personally, I blame the internet. And reality TV. And parents without good sense who are too afraid to beat their daughters. I miss the old days, when a tattoo was as daring as anybody had ever thought to be… sigh.

Still, SALUTE (clicking heels together) on taking a stand, drunk or not.
momiss recently posted..Its a Mad- Mad- Mad- Mad World

Noa April 20, 2011 at 12:36 pm

Well then, you’re welcome.

Miz Parker April 20, 2011 at 6:22 pm

Stumbled on you via The Bloggess. WOW. I am having a rough time even picturing what you have described here. Not, of course, that I want to put in much effort into picturing some ho’s exposed vagina. I’ve seen the one-nut hanging below the leg of the shorts on men, though. THAT’S not a good look.
Miz Parker recently posted..We Have Nothing to Fear but Fear Itself And Toilet Squirrels

Noa April 20, 2011 at 9:45 pm

So glad you found me! I’m sad the first way you found me was a discussion of visible vaginas!

Lana April 21, 2011 at 9:09 pm

Holy crap, I totally forgot about the oatmeal cookie shots for Nowen’s b-day. They are awesome.

Noa April 22, 2011 at 1:12 pm

Indeed, especially when not accompanied by vagina.

Amanda April 21, 2011 at 11:06 pm

I am so glad I checked your blog today because DAMN! Please tell me she wasn’t wandering around the bar with all of her shot making equipment strapped to her thighs. Maybe she was going for extra tips from the drunk guys?

I get dirty old men flashing their junk at me at the hospital all the time. Men in hospital gowns think they are all kinds of sexy.
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Noa April 22, 2011 at 1:12 pm

Urph…just gagged thinking about pubes in my shots. Ugh.

I can only imagine all the joy you get to see from hospital gowns. Little is more flattering.

Mary Sue April 22, 2011 at 1:15 pm

There is no way she knew her vagina was out, did she? I can’t imagine anyone thinks that is hot! Plus, how uncomfortable to have your shorts so far up your hoo-ha that they are pushing your vagina out the side? I would be yanking on that shit all night and lord knows that isn’t hot.

Noa April 22, 2011 at 1:17 pm

Exactly my point. HOW UNCOMFORTABLE IS THAT? It was, at that point, absolute public nudity. Which, on certain occasions, I am okay with.

Julia Andrus Williams April 26, 2011 at 7:50 pm

Just last weekend, I was on Sixth Street in Austin and a very drunk woman was walking around in a strapless dress with both nipples out. I told my friends… we laughed… and then I felt bad. So, I told her she might want to pull up her dress and she was SO SO thankful. I mean, I would want someone to tell me if my tits were hanging out!

Noa April 26, 2011 at 9:39 pm

I’m impressed you had the wherewithall to tell her-you’re a kind person. Grace once walked around all day with chocolate on her face and no one told her.

Chunky Mama May 16, 2011 at 12:17 am

I once saw a very large woman sitting on a bus bench during rush hour in Los Angeles pull her shirt up to her neck and adjust her gigantic braless boobs.
Did I mention I was stuck at a light and she was positioned about 5 feet from the window of my car so I had a horrificly long unobstructed view of this all going down?
Chunky Mama recently posted..Everyday Nonsense

Noa May 16, 2011 at 2:21 am

Oh…oh my God. That’s fucking terrifying. Was it like those silver ball desk toy clackers?

Chunky Mama May 16, 2011 at 12:28 pm

THANK YOU for making my spit my drink all over my computer.
Hahahahaha :)
Chunky Mama recently posted..Everyday Nonsense

Noa May 16, 2011 at 12:53 pm

Always welcome!

Lynne May 17, 2011 at 8:16 am

I once worked in a shoe/work boot/hiking boot store where people of all kinds came in to shop. There were the hikers, bikers, lineman, etc. You get the picture. Most of the “working” people were there with a voucher because their company paid for the shoes. Almost twenty years later I can still remember, and sickeningly visualize, the customer that took the fucking cake. White male, approx 5’5″, probably 210 pounds, about 45 hard-living years old, too-long fuzzy greyish-brown hair in the horseshoe style, a red tank top with the armholes that go to the waistband, really short faded frayed cut-off denimn shorts and Timberland boots, sans socks. He looked like he had on a hair shirt under his tank top. Oh, and he had mommy with him. He sat down on the bench to try on boots, still sans socks, with his legs spread like Sunday dinner, and every time lifted his leg to put his foot in a boot, his balls would fall out and rest on the bench until he switched legs. Then they’d fall out the other side so as to properly contaminate the bench under his entire sackal area. Worse yet, mommy was sitting right in front of him and said nothing. Both seemed completely oblivious to the fact that anyone within eyeshot was getting satchelized. Sooooo nasty. When he left, I took Lysol and paper towels and used my shoe to clean off the bench only because I had no nearby matches and gasoline to burn it.

Noa May 17, 2011 at 8:11 pm

That sounds like the guy who hit on me while I was working for AT&T…he and his ruler suspenders and cutoffs were a tough challenge against Adrian’s cleanliness and handsomeness. Shudder.

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