This letter was originally written in 2008.
We need to address it. It’s absolutely become an issue.
It was all fun and games until your pube debut.
My cousins Allison and Lana, friends Nowen and Christine and I all work 9-5 jobs and came in to this fine establishment to get shithoused on a girls’ night. We honestly thought it was a joke when you walked up to our table with a round of shots and what I can only describe as a couple of potholders wrapped around, and through, your beaver.
I suppose, in retrospect, it matches the tube sock ’round your tits.
Several rounds in and upon a closer look, I realized that your actual vagina was literally hanging out of your shorts.
I don’t fucking use literally lightly, either.
It’s doing the splits. It’s spread-eagled. It’s wrapped, covering, and fucking gross. It’s a cameltoe crisis here, ma’am. And I don’t appreciate your shitty looks when I begin to shout across the bar, “MA’AM. MA’AM. YOUR VAGINA IS OUT. YOU NEED TO FIX THAT.”
Do you need some assistance? Grab me a pole, some tongs, and a bar rag, and I will absolutely help you tuck that shit back in. Because…goddamn, ma’am, that is fucking unsanitary.
I must admit, I’ve not seen anything quite like this outside of a strip joint, and at least those ladies have the courtesy to have that shit already unwrapped by the time they get to me. I don’t want to see your muff wrong-thonged while I drink my fifth oatmeal cookie. Hrrrpphh. Damn you, ma’am, I just gagged.
Ma’am, your vagina.
I can’t tell if this was intentional or not at this point. Do you think it’s attractive? Are you hoping for larger tips? Do you enjoy the feel of the denim there? I can imagine that it feels like horrible sandpaper, and that you are into some serious BDSM fantasies that I cannot even fathom.
On that note, I can only assume that you have not noticed that your poonani is being ripped in two by your cutoffs, and I am trying to assist you.
Ma’am, your vagina. Let’s tuck that shit back in.
Noa D. Gavin, Vagina Noticer
Ever seen someone all un-tucked in public (tits/box/dentures/other)? What did you do?