It’s a FUNeral!

04/19/2011 · 37 comments

in Adrian, Dead Animals, Love, Social Services

I once wrote about terrible gifts for the grieving, which got me thinking–one day, I will die. Since that time Adrian has refused to talk about my concerns and wishes for this event (“BECAUSE YOU’LL NEVER DIE, NOA.”), I am forced to leave my dying wishes here in hopes that when I do die and he’s in a grief-driven spiral, he will turn to here to remember me.

Adrian, I would like a FUNeral.

Let's do this.

1. Remind those who are coming to my funeral that I have asked for every thing I’m about to write here. It will be a shock to many.

2. Please lie in my obituary in the paper. Tell them I was a sea-faring wench with a heart of gold and that I was known for sea-cow herding. Or that I was a Robin Hood Assassin. Or that you and I made a fortune selling bartender-cartwheel lessons. Tell them my last words were, “Jesus H. Christ on a bicycle. No really, I see him.”

3. I would like to be in this coffin.

Unless you think it gauche.

4. I would like for you to have everyone seated first and provided with a mixed drink, and then have my casket brought in Lady Gaga Style by people wearing masks of my face. Please bring me in to Tricky by Run D.M.C. This song choice will be important later. If the cost is not prohibitive, please include strobe lights, lasers, and fog machines. Place me on a rotating stage like they use in car shows.

Peace be with me. OH GOD I JUST NOTICED THEY ARE WEARING TIMBERLANDS WHAT THE HELL.

5. I would like for you and Grace to give my Eulogy. I want you to rap it. Grace, I want you to beatbox for Adrian.

6. After you give my eulogy, please play a memorial slide show of the most attractive pictures of me. It shouldn’t be hard, the only good photos I’ve ever taken were at our wedding, Adrian. Please keep the soundtrack for this to only 80’s hair bands. But not like, “Every rose has it’s thorn,” or other lame shit like that. Go hard with it, Adrian. Go hard.

7. Hold the final picture on screen, and then please have the ceiling of wherever you are open up like a telescope and have the coffin lid raised simultaneously. Again, barring prohibitive costs, I would really like for fog machines to be IN the actual coffin as well.

8. Here’s where the music cuts to a soundclip of me saying, “Stay cool, y’all.”

9. You’ll have to time this correctly, but immediately after I finish the word y’all, that’s when the fireworks containing my ashes will begin to emerge from the casket and burst forth in the skies. Have them spell out “Tricky, yo,” at one point.

10. You and our families should moonwalk out of the service at this point.

11. Please throw a ridiculous party afterward. Bring on the barbecue and the alcohol and the chocolate and tell everyone to have the biggest blast they possibly can.

Please make sure it’s the most badass funeral ever to have existed.

Any crazy wishes for how you’d like to go out? Have you ever seen someone else with crazy dying wishes?

Grace April 20, 2011 at 1:12 am

Funny, I was just practicing beat boxing last week. Also, no that casket is not ok, even to go in the ground, not ok.

Noa April 20, 2011 at 12:39 pm

I’m intrigued by your beat-boxing practice. Adrian says he refuses to participate in this, “bullshit cavalcade that you call a funeral.” It’s all up to you.

Brandi April 20, 2011 at 2:23 am

I’ve requested to be buried in a cute red retro swimsuit (because I need to get some mileage from this tummy tuck), a pink casket, Kathy Griffin to give the eulogy, everyone in attendance has to get up and tell a dirty joke, and for there to be drunken karaoke afterward. Or hell, maybe even during.
Brandi recently posted..Going off the sauce for good

Noa April 20, 2011 at 12:38 pm

This is going to sound morbid, but–I would really like to see that. Not the you-dying part, just your funeral.

Lianne Marie Binks April 20, 2011 at 4:17 am

OK – this funeral would be almost worth dying for!
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Noa April 20, 2011 at 12:38 pm

In the aftermath of it, I’ll be haunting the hell out of my family. Totally worth it.

hoodyhoo April 20, 2011 at 6:49 am

Dear Sweet Mama has dibs on “You can’t Always Get What You Want” as her funeral anthem… so I’m gonna have to stick to figuring out how to wire a pre-recorded tape of myself whispering “I’m not dead, call the cops” into the coffin. What?
hoodyhoo recently posted..Road Trip!

Noa April 20, 2011 at 12:37 pm

Yeah, no. You cannot be a real person. This shit is too funny to be real.

Dear Sweet Mama April 20, 2011 at 9:01 am

And in my family, a funeral isn’t a funeral unless someone throws themselves into the grave. This leads to graveside gambling – my money is on Little Eileen, she’s going in – and is probably why both my parents wanted to be cremated. I have so much music planned for my funeral it probably will have to end up being a world tour. Which would be fun also. I have always wanted to have roadies and I think Hoody would be a good one. She drinks enough – and she could invite her cousin, He’p Me.

Noa April 20, 2011 at 12:37 pm

You and Hoody can’t possibly be real people. I’ve been punked for months, right?

hoodyhoo April 21, 2011 at 6:25 am

Swear to Baby Jeebus, we’re real — we’ll take you to the beach to prove it!
hoodyhoo recently posted..Road Trip!

Noa April 21, 2011 at 1:22 pm

I might not survive the trip. It’s a legit fear from hearing y’alls stories.

hoodyhoo April 22, 2011 at 6:29 am

this is true… but what’s a little prison record between friends?
hoodyhoo recently posted..Road Trip!

Noa April 22, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Prison records=best friends.

Kaye April 20, 2011 at 11:36 am

I’ve always thought about having my ashes made into a diamond and giving it to my daughter. Also, yes it should be a party when I die. Celebrate my life, dammit!

Noa April 20, 2011 at 12:36 pm

I’m usure about the LifeGem option. If I could have a voice recorder installed into the diamond, though, that’s something different.

elizabeth- flourish in progress April 21, 2011 at 4:15 pm

I’m very, very disturbed.
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Lisa April 20, 2011 at 11:44 am

Okay, I want to steal all these ideas! They are fabulous!

Noa April 20, 2011 at 12:35 pm

At your own risk of course. Glad you enjoyed!

momiss April 20, 2011 at 1:39 pm

You are a woman who “gets” me. Thank God I finally found you! I have long had the soundtrack to my funeral planned out and for some reason no one thinks “Stranglehold” is an appropriate choice. I say screw THEM! That song has been an important part of of my life (especially when I used to drink!) and has earned it’s place. Plus, it will get them out of their funk, should anyone dare to be in one.

LOVE the fog idea, but money spent on a casket if you are to be cremated is wasted. Spend the casket money on something fabulous while you are still alive!
momiss recently posted..Its a Mad- Mad- Mad- Mad World

Noa April 20, 2011 at 9:46 pm

To be fair, that casket it like, $100 and made of cardboard. It’s an expendable prop.

I’m horrified that I’ll be requiring props at my funeral.

elizabeth- flourish in progress April 21, 2011 at 4:18 pm

I want my funeral inside a Vegas nightclub. Please make this happen. Also, if I die before I’m able to tell Harv this wish, please convey this to him. Make sure I am wearing my best push up bra in my final resting place. Just because I am dead does NOT mean I can’t have nice cleavage. Also, please, please make sure they do not spray my hair with the kind of hair spray that leaves hair crunchy. You know which kind I’m talking about.

Also, can you make sure they use a little bronzer? I don’t want to look too pale. Death has a way of doing that sometimes.
elizabeth- flourish in progress recently posted..blame others- lessons from the road

Noa April 22, 2011 at 1:14 pm

I’ll have you suspended above the Luxor by Criss Angel, and of course I’ll have you in a spectacular bra. I’ll spare no expense.

Amanda April 21, 2011 at 8:29 pm

I want everyone at my funeral to get smashed and have a huge party, 4th of July style. I want there to be a barbecue with tons of food and everyone to toast me dozens of times. And I want all of them to smoke at least one cigarette. Yes, I will have died trying to light a cigarette while driving and they will be toasting my stupidity. I’m okay with all of that.
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Noa April 22, 2011 at 1:13 pm

Again, this sounds morbid, but I might like to attend that as long as you weren’t actually dead.

momiss April 22, 2011 at 11:00 am

I just looked at that painted box again and was impressed all over. I hope you at least saved it for Halloween or something because there is a lot of good work in that.
momiss recently posted..Its a Mad- Mad- Mad- Mad World

Noa April 22, 2011 at 1:11 pm

So many occasions for caskets!

Mom Of Wild Ones April 22, 2011 at 11:09 am

I want to be stuffed and then taken to different places and be put on display. Kinda like the wooden indian at the tobacco shop. One day it could be at Victorias Secret and dress me in one of their blinged out bra and panties. That would be awesome.
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Noa April 22, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Especially if they put rollerskates on you and wheeled you down the catwalk.

Kelly April 24, 2011 at 11:26 am

I think I need some sort of parting gift, like a “I SURVIVED KELLY’S FUNERAL!” like it was the scariest rollercoaster on the planet. I do like the PowerPoint presentation of sexiness, as long as there are those WWE-style cannons that shoot flames and it’s done to “Cherry Pie ” by Warrant.
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Noa April 25, 2011 at 2:33 pm

If you shoot glitter covered strippers from those cannons, I’ll be there.

Kelly April 25, 2011 at 9:14 pm

Do you think having temporary poles installed would be too much? I mean, this IS for the people, after all… Kind of a one last final “from me, to you”. Really, it’s like a friction’ Hallmark card in 3D.
Kelly recently posted..Perspective

Noa April 26, 2011 at 9:41 pm

Hey–you only die once.

sophie May 28, 2011 at 11:21 am

I am newish to your blog (Thanks Liz @ Flourish), but I have to comment on this even though I am late to the conversation. While I have not planned the lavish display that many have so carefully thought out, I DO NOT want a “normal” funeral. I am not a normal person, I wore purple for my first (and likely only-cause dude, that shit did NOT work out) wedding, my idea of dress shoes is new Chuck Taylors, and too many other things to mention right now.
I want a huge party. bright colors, hawaiian shirts, heels, hose, and ties confiscated at the door (and maybe stapled to the ceiling like some weird ass bar I saw in Arizona). I have one sentimental song written by a friend that I want played, and one weird ass non-religious thing about death to be read. (written by someone who thinks he is a channel to some prophet or something) Then the party will be on. Music, alcohol, food. Everyone must tell their *most* embarrassing story about me. (well, maybe not everyone…a tiny bit of discretion might be good even after I croak). I’m not sure about the strobe lights and dry ice, but perhaps some confetti…balloons dropped from the ceiling, and noise-makers. Thanks for the ideas!
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Noa May 30, 2011 at 12:17 am

First off, thank you for commenting! I am delighted that I can give you such sage advice as, “use fireworks,” and, “dry ice is a good idea for a funeral.” I like to be classy like that.

Veronica February 28, 2012 at 6:30 pm

I want my dead body to be dressed in a glittering cape made from the skin of Edward Cullen and strapped into a parachute. Then I am thrown out of a plane proceed to skydive into my funeral. As I come into view of my funeral guests, all wearing togas and feather headdresses, a choir will start singing Hallelujah. Then, LMFAO’s Party Rock Anthem will start to play and everyone will break out dancing like drunken teenagers. And they will be drunk, do to the irresistible chocolate cocktails.
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Noa March 7, 2012 at 8:43 pm

I like that one of your final requests is to skin Cullen alive.

You’re my hero.

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