I once wrote about terrible gifts for the grieving, which got me thinking–one day, I will die. Since that time Adrian has refused to talk about my concerns and wishes for this event (“BECAUSE YOU’LL NEVER DIE, NOA.”), I am forced to leave my dying wishes here in hopes that when I do die and he’s in a grief-driven spiral, he will turn to here to remember me.
Adrian, I would like a FUNeral.
1. Remind those who are coming to my funeral that I have asked for every thing I’m about to write here. It will be a shock to many.
2. Please lie in my obituary in the paper. Tell them I was a sea-faring wench with a heart of gold and that I was known for sea-cow herding. Or that I was a Robin Hood Assassin. Or that you and I made a fortune selling bartender-cartwheel lessons. Tell them my last words were, “Jesus H. Christ on a bicycle. No really, I see him.”
3. I would like to be in this coffin.
4. I would like for you to have everyone seated first and provided with a mixed drink, and then have my casket brought in Lady Gaga Style by people wearing masks of my face. Please bring me in to Tricky by Run D.M.C. This song choice will be important later. If the cost is not prohibitive, please include strobe lights, lasers, and fog machines. Place me on a rotating stage like they use in car shows.
5. I would like for you and Grace to give my Eulogy. I want you to rap it. Grace, I want you to beatbox for Adrian.
6. After you give my eulogy, please play a memorial slide show of the most attractive pictures of me. It shouldn’t be hard, the only good photos I’ve ever taken were at our wedding, Adrian. Please keep the soundtrack for this to only 80’s hair bands. But not like, “Every rose has it’s thorn,” or other lame shit like that. Go hard with it, Adrian. Go hard.
7. Hold the final picture on screen, and then please have the ceiling of wherever you are open up like a telescope and have the coffin lid raised simultaneously. Again, barring prohibitive costs, I would really like for fog machines to be IN the actual coffin as well.
8. Here’s where the music cuts to a soundclip of me saying, “Stay cool, y’all.”
9. You’ll have to time this correctly, but immediately after I finish the word y’all, that’s when the fireworks containing my ashes will begin to emerge from the casket and burst forth in the skies. Have them spell out “Tricky, yo,” at one point.
10. You and our families should moonwalk out of the service at this point.
11. Please throw a ridiculous party afterward. Bring on the barbecue and the alcohol and the chocolate and tell everyone to have the biggest blast they possibly can.
Please make sure it’s the most badass funeral ever to have existed.
Any crazy wishes for how you’d like to go out? Have you ever seen someone else with crazy dying wishes?