I Want To Know You Biblically. I Think. I’m Not Sure What That Means.

04/27/2011 · 128 comments

in Grace, My Family Is Strikingly Odd., Sadist Vagina, Social Services

I see you commenting, reading, twittering, facebooking, dancing with double dream-feet, and minus Hoody, who I actually think is me commenting in my sleep on my own posts (SHOW ME THE PROOF THAT YOU AREN’T ME), I wonder who you all really are. I can’t take you all out on the town and get you drunk and vulnerable, so here we are. You forced me to ask awkward first date questions here.

Fine. I’ll go first.

1) Do you like your name?

Yeah, I do. It’s weird for a girl. Makes me stand out a little.

2) What is your worst weakness?

Crowds. I will do anything at all to avoid a crowd. I shop at off hours, I eat at off hours, I get my mail at midnight so I don’t have to see too many people. It’s self-preservation–while I think I’m funny in conversation, this does not generally hold true. EX: When I made an elevator full of people so horrifically uncomfortable last week. Girl and her friends made a nice comment on my bag and how they had the same one, and having gotten said plastic shopping bag as a “shopper’s reward,” I tried to be funny I responded, “We’re in an exclusive club called everyone.” We then rode 31 floors in total silence. Win.

3) What do you do alone in your car?

Dance. Wildly. And sing like motherfuckin’ Celine Dion. I put on a SHOW when I drive. There’s choreography, y’all. Sometimes Grace is called in as a back-up dancer.

4) Do you have a favorite game show?

SUPERMARKET SWEEP, BITCHES. I would have owned that show. Grace pushes the cart, I sit in it with my arms outstretched, scooping shit in. Then we circle back for the hams and giant inflatables–final pass in in pharmacy. $10,000 for the win.

5) Would you want to know the exact day of your death?

Dear God, yes. End the anxiety.

6) If you could become a character in a TV show or movie, who would you chose to be?

Kristen Wiig from SNL. I’ve not NOT liked any of her characters.

7) Do you know any jokes? If so, tell me one.

So this guy and a giraffe walk into a bar, and the guy orders a beer for him and the giraffe. They both drink the beer, and the giraffe falls over dead. Guy starts to walk out, and the bartender says, “Hey, you can’t just leave that lyin’ around here!” The guy says, “It’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe.” BAM.

8) Which is the most funny prank you’ve seen played?

Hands down, my sister getting out of a traffic jam. See, Grace is a below-the-knee amputee on her right leg–she’s had a prosthesis for more than 20 years–we can all assume she’s adjusted at this point. Years ago, she was in a traffic jam with some friends, and one guy looks up and says, “Hey, Grace, take your leg off.” He squirted ketchup around the top, grabbed her and threw her over his shoulder, and ran through the line of cars screaming and brandishing a tomato-y prosthetic at people.

They were out in 2 and a half minutes.

9) What is your biggest fear?

Velvet, or anything that looks or feels even kind of like it. I don’t know why this is, but I have always been this way. I get the chills just thinking about velvet. And butterflies. I’m terrified of butterflies and moths.

10) What is the funniest thing you’ve seen on the internet?

This:

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and This:

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In your comments today (even if you’ve never commented before), I’d like for you to answer these questions–you can do all of them or pick and choose, I don’t really care. Likewise, feel free to ask me anything–I can’t promise I’ll be truthful, but I’ll be funny.

1) Do you like your name?
2) What is your worst weakness?
3) What do you do alone in your car?
4) Do you have a favorite game show?
5) Would you want to know the exact day of your death?
6) If you could become a character in a TV show or movie, who would you chose to be?
7) Do you know any jokes? If so, tell me one.
8) Which is the most funny prank you’ve seen played?
9) What is your biggest fear?
10) What is the funniest thing you’ve seen on the internet?

Brandi April 27, 2011 at 6:14 am

1. Not really. Most people associate the name Brandi with someone much hotter, better endowed and more sexually promiscuous than I. Also, someday I’m going to be an 80 year old named Brandi.

2. Food. Hands down. There is a reason I spent most of my life morbidly obese and required surgery to finally lose weight. And even now, when I KNOW certain foods will make me sick, I’ll sometimes eat it anyway, because hello, it’s DELICIOUS!

3. Enjoy the fact that I’m ALONE in the car–that I don’t have three whiny, screaming, sniveling, bickering brats sitting behind me making me want to drive into oncoming traffic.

4. Jeopardy, because when I watch it with other people I usually know just enough more than they do to make myself feel superior. However, that bastard Alex Trebek acting like he’d know the answers without them written on a card in front of him makes me a little bit psychotic.

5. Yes. I read spoilers for TV shows, I WANT people to tell me the endings of movies, I used to find my hidden Christmas presents and would still enjoy opening them on Christmas morning, and I read the ending of books first. So of course I want to know.

6. Jo in Little Women, because then I could 1) Let that bitch Amy drown in Walden Pond ; 2) Not be a douche when my rich, handsome best friend begs me to marry him; 3) Give Dr. Bangs a little heads up about this miracle drug called penicillin that’s coming down the pipe in 60 years to save Beth.

7. A grasshopper walks into a bar and hops up on the counter. The bartender looks at him and says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” And the grasshopper replies, “You have a drink called Milton?” (This was one of the first jokes I ever learned, and didn’t get it until I was practically a teenager).

8. During high school, for whatever reason several of my friends and I started toilet papering my friend Ryan’s cherished Ford Ranger. Almost weekly we’d wrap it in toilet paper and write on the windows with lipstick, and when he was silly enough to leave it unlocked, we’d fill it with balloons or something. Anyway, he and his family were going on vacation, and to keep us from doing who knows what to his truck while he was gone for a week, he convinced his parents to let him park it in the garage. Which would have worked except we knew where his parents kept a key hidden in the back yard. Soooo, we used the hidden house key to sneak into the garage and completely fill the truck with packing peanuts and then wrap every inch of the exterior in tin foil. It was magnificent.

9. I have SO MANY. But at the moment they are 1) My husband getting killed in Afghanistan; 2) Germs; 3) Going blind and not being able to make sure the dishes I’m eating from are clean.

10. This guy: http://salamitsunami.com/ The most recent post is actually kind of sad, yet he still managed to make me laugh. Anyway, he’s never written a single thing that didn’t leave me laughing hysterically.
Brandi recently posted..Ive got this one in the bag

Noa April 27, 2011 at 6:01 pm

You’re really raging against Little Women. I like your pent up anger towards fictional characters. It’s endearing.

hoodyhoo April 27, 2011 at 6:47 am

First off, I can prove I’m not you because there are things I know that you don’t know, but I can’t tell you what they are ’cause then you’d know them and you’d be me again.
As for the questions:
1) Do you like your name? As an adult, yes. As a child, no, because it was fairly unusual back then and I couldn’t get it on pencils and stickers.

2) What is your worst weakness? I tend to get wigged the fuck out by something ridiculous and then not be able to calm down about it.

3) What do you do alone in your car? Sing and Dance. To the Black Eyed Peas. LOUD.

4) Do you have a favorite game show? I, too, loved Supermarket Sweep. This isn’t doing much to prove I’m not you, is it?

5) Would you want to know the exact day of your death? I think so — I like to plan.

6) If you could become a character in a TV show or movie, who would you chose to be? I just wanna be on the old Star Trek, back when Shatner was young and hot and nailin’ bitches all over the galaxy. I wanna be those bitches.

7) Do you know any jokes? If so, tell me one. A bank robber has all the people in the bank down on the ground, and he notices that one of the tellers has lifted up her head to get a look at him. So he blows her away and then yells: “So did anybody else get a look at my face?” Nobody says anything, then this old man says, “I sure didn’t, but I’m pretty sure my wife did.”

8) Which is the most funny prank you’ve seen played? Some very techie dude at work took a “screen shot” of this guy’s desktop, then set that as his wallpaper. So the poor schmuck was clicking all over the place but nothing would work…

9) What is your biggest fear? Dolls with teeth. This includes nutcrackers and, to my eternal shame, midgets. Sorry.

10) What is the funniest thing you’ve seen on the internet? YOU ARE! : )
hoodyhoo recently posted..The Apocolist!

Noa April 27, 2011 at 5:58 pm

Hoody–none of these answers dissuade me from the idea that you are being me. Also, shudder about the dolls with teeth.

Megan P April 27, 2011 at 9:07 am

I am new to posting on your site since I just like to stalk you… I mean read your posts often.. Yea that is it!
1) Do you like your name? Yes but it is so daggum common now that no matter where I am there is usually two more of my names there … sucks
2) What is your worst weakness? Stubbornness amongst other weaknesses…
3) What do you do alone in your car? Talk/Sing/Dance with myself I get creative sometimes and will tell myself a story if it is a long drive… Yes I am that kind of Awesome!
4) Do you have a favorite game show? Wheel… Of… FORTUNE! Watched it with my Grandad when I was younger
5) Would you want to know the exact day of your death? … Part of me wants to know the other part says hell no! I am so torn…
6) If you could become a character in a TV show or movie, who would you chose to be? Any of the actresses who get to sleep with Ryan Reynolds… or George Clooney…
7) Do you know any jokes? If so, tell me one. There are two muffins in an oven… One muffin turns to the other and says ” Dang is it hot in here?” the other says ” Holy $#!^ a talking muffin!” (My fiance tells me that one all the time…)
8) Which is the most funny prank you’ve seen played? At my old office a lady had a fake mouse, one of the rubber ones, and she would place it in someones office… ahhh it was so great to hear the squeeles.. :)
9) What is your biggest fear? Losing loved ones unexpectedly
10) What is the funniest thing you’ve seen on the internet? Besides you… I would say The Bloggess or some youtube videos about babies & tearing up paper (I’m so easily amused)

Noa April 27, 2011 at 5:55 pm

Stalker schmalker. At least you don’t GPS track me like Katie the Blog Lady. Fo-real.

I also appreciate you trying to get into my pants by saying I’m the funniest thing you’ve seen. Wish granted.

Lindsay April 27, 2011 at 10:22 am

Mostly I just blog-stalk you, because you always make me laugh…but I’ll actually comment on this one.

1) Do you like your name?
No, but I can’t think of any other name that I like for myself better, so I’m stuck with it.

2) What is your worst weakness?
Animals in pain. I see them, and I just want to take them home and somehow show them that the world really isn’t evil.

3) What do you do alone in your car?
I talk to myself. Air quotes included.

4) Do you have a favorite game show?
Who Wants to be a Millionaire, Jeopardy, and Wheel of Fortune. I might even go so far as to say I enjoy game shows too much to be considered normal.

5) Would you want to know the exact day of your death?
No. I’m horrible at procrastinating, and if I knew when I was going to die, I would definitely put stuff off that I should get done…but really don’t want to.

6) If you could become a character in a TV show or movie, who would you chose to be?
Rachel from Friends. Apart from the spoiled-rich-girl persona in the first few seasons, and the obsession with her looks, she’s actually a very good role model. She’s not afraid to go after what she wants, and doesn’t settle for less than what she thinks she deserves.

7) Do you know any jokes? If so, tell me one.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass. I said the wheels part to throw you off.

8) Which is the most funny prank you’ve seen played?
My senior year of high school, a bunch of us got together and reenacted the Civil War during school.

9) What is your biggest fear?
Failure.

10) What is the funniest thing you’ve seen on the internet?
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/85bd6f85f7/white-women-s-workout
Lindsay recently posted..Didnt See That One Coming

Noa April 27, 2011 at 5:54 pm

A) I appreciate you taking time out of your stalking to comment. I love comments so. I also adore your joke. Adrian is already tired of hearing it, because he’s a lame-o some days.

Stephanie April 27, 2011 at 10:34 am

1. Yes, although people always ask me how to spell Stephanie. The NORMAL way i always respond, and for some reason, they get that.

2. Worst weakness is, I’m one of those people that will give my ALL to people, until they give me a reason not to. My friends always end up screwing me over and I’m always the one getting hurt.

3. People watch. I love just staring at people and watching them try to not look back at me, and they get all uncomfortable

4. Baggage. BEST.SHOW.EVER.

5. No. I like living every day like it’s my last

6. I wouldn’t. Everyone is either getting killed, killing people or miserable.

7. An old couple decided that, for their 50th wedding anniversary, they would go back to the diner they had dinner at years ago, and make love at the same place behind the diner where they had gone at it like monkies. A cop over hears this and follows them to the diner, and then out back. The old couple is going at it like crazy on the fence for what seems like forever. When they’re done, the cop approaches and says “whats your secret? that was AMAZING! I didn’t think old people could move like that!” Old man, out of breath, looks up and says, “50 yrs ago that fence wasn’t ELECTRIFIED!”

8. Sigh. I’m boring… I don’t think i’ve ever played a prank

9. TORNADOS. Fuck living in TX. I will cry and go into a panic if we get REALLY bad weather. Which seems like all the time lately

10. Probably the little kid video you just posted!

Noa April 27, 2011 at 5:53 pm

The fact that there is more than one spelling of Stephanie is terrifying, thought to be fair, my name is spelled the not normal way. BAGGAGE. Fuck, I’ve been trying to think of that show for days. Also, do you know that game show with all the presents and you could pick or swap? What was that one called?

Jen April 28, 2011 at 3:03 am

Do you mean Shop Til You Drop? The one that took place on a set that looked like a mall? I loved that show…and Supermarket Sweep. ACK! I just realized I stepped out of the safety of lurker shadows! *running back into the darkenss*

Noa April 28, 2011 at 2:20 pm

YES. I do. That show was also awesome. And welcome from the shadows. I promise it’s more fun out here.

Annie April 27, 2011 at 10:42 am

1) Do you like your name?
Yes I do. I have no reason why, I just do… it’s cute?
2) What is your worst weakness?
chocolate? it’s sad, cliche, but true. If it is in the house, I will eat it. If you give me some, I will do anything for you.
3) What do you do alone in your car?
SING! And I usually end up talking to myself…
4) Do you have a favorite game show?
The price is right when Bob Barker hosted. I was going to be called to “come on down!” someday..
5) Would you want to know the exact day of your death?
I think so, I don’t think it would be something looming over me, I would just know how much time I had exactly to get all the things I want to do, done.
6) If you could become a character in a TV show or movie, who would you chose to be?
Angela Montenegro from Bones
7) Do you know any jokes? If so, tell me one.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Leslie
Leslie who?
Leslie town before they catch us!
I have a ridiculous amount of knock knock jokes in my little head
8) Which is the most funny prank you’ve seen played?
In high school we turned our geometry teacher’s classroom into a beach. We took out all the desks and chairs, brought in bags and bags of sand, got a kiddy pool set up in the front and set up beach chairs and floating rafts.
9) What is your biggest fear?
Maggots. I can do with any bug or snake or spider, but maggots… ugghhh they skeeve me out.
10) What is the funniest thing you’ve seen on the internet?
I’m a little obsessed with Marcel the Shell http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VF9-sEbqDvU

Whew, that wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be…

Annie April 27, 2011 at 11:00 am

number eight somehow got turned into a smiley face…

Noa April 27, 2011 at 5:52 pm

It’s Jazzier that way.

Noa April 27, 2011 at 5:51 pm

Annie is one my my favorite names. True Story. And Bob Barker was the only true host. Drew Carey can suck it. Also–thanks for the comment!

elizabeth- flourish in progress April 27, 2011 at 10:52 am

1. Yes, because I chose it myself. I used to be Jayne. I hated that name, so in 5th grade I chose Elizabeth.

2. crack cocaine. also, swearing.

3. sing. and curse other drivers.

4. game show? please. i’m too classy for that shit.

5. yes, because i want to make sure my hair looks good and my thongs are clean

6. nelly from Little House on the Prairie…because I think she’s misunderstood

7. I don’t know any jokes. That’s why I hang out with you..so you can keep me laughing.

8.I can’t post that here. It would reveal that I am a terrible person. Which I am.

9.Dying of thirst. Really.

10. Hmmm……I can’t top your two but I want to send you something via email for your opinion.
elizabeth- flourish in progress recently posted..Monday Dare- a series of unfortunate events

Noa April 27, 2011 at 5:52 pm

And now I cannot stop thinking about what that prank was and narcissistically thinking that it’s your friendship with me. THANKS, LIZ.

Jennifer April 27, 2011 at 12:24 pm

1. I hate my name, its so common that I’ve trained myself to not acknowldege hearing it in public. It works well until someone is actually speaking to me…then I just look like a total bitch.
2. Stray animals (one day you will get the pleasure of seeing me in my very own episode of animal hoarders).
3. Sing. Loudly. And off-key.
4. I don’t watch game shows, I do have my very own game I play when watching crime shows. Its called “Guess who did it”. You should always guess the husband. The husband always did it. Unless the husband died…then guess the wife.
5. No, I’d spend too much time trying to figure out how to avoid my death.
6. I don’t think I want to be a character in a tv show. See #4. Eventually I’d die…and probably my husband did it.
7. 2 guys walk into a bar. One of them ducks.
8. Some co-workers glued my boss’ hand set to her phone. When she went to answer the phone, she picked up the entire phone. Also, when I go on vacation next week, I’m going to take a ghost tour and when they’re making everyone take pictures of stuff to find orbs or whatever in their pictures…I’m going to take pictures of other people on the tour…then use my ghost app to put ghosts right beside them. You don’t think that’ll give anyone a heart attack do you?
9. Heights, stairs, flying, small spaces, crowds, flying, peep holes, dentists, one day becoming agoraphobic. Did I mention flying? Its like the perfect storm of fears, with the exception of dentists, unless there’s a dentist on the plane…then I’m totally screwed.
10. I’m too lazy to put a link of something funny up right now…so I’ll say you & the bloggess & hyperbole & a half.

Noa April 27, 2011 at 5:50 pm

Re: #8–this is pretty douchey but I’m a paranormal investigator, and I’ll be honest, those ghost photo apps are really really good. I’d really like to hear the aftermath of that one. And thanks for saying I’m funny right alongside the Bloggess and Hyperbole. They’re my gods.

The Young Girl April 27, 2011 at 2:31 pm

1) Do you like your name?- Samantha
yes, mostly because it versitle. i’ve had so many nick names. Sammy, Sam, Sambo, Sambo-lambo, bo-lambo, Samers, Sameri. but most of the time I dont answer to it. Selective hearing and a life of too many nick names.

2) What is your worst weakness?
cookies and sitcom re-reruns.

3) What do you do alone in your car?
turn up ganster rap and i also eat cookies because my man will eat them ALL if i bring them in the house so i have to eat them before I get home.

4) Do you have a favorite game show?
If you count Wipe Out as a game show, than thats mine. people bouncing off big padded objects into mud? hell yes!

5) Would you want to know the exact day of your death?
no, i obsess about way too much already. I hope that will be a surprise.

6) If you could become a character in a TV show or movie, who would you chose to be?
Xena Warrior Princess because she is hot and badass. and I really want to wear metal boob covers.

7) Do you know any jokes? If so, tell me one.
So God is walking throught the Garden of Eden and comes up to Adam who is holding a fig leaf over his dick.
God says ” now Adam, what have you been doing?”
Adam- “fuckin Eve”
God- “well where is the bitch now?”
Adam-“down at the river, washing her cunt out”
God- “Damn it! Now I’ll never get the smell out of the fish”.

A 40yr old jewish woman told me this joke.

8) Which is the most funny prank you’ve seen played?
A rubber snake in the bathroom that my co- camp consoler was about to use. She was already naked to take her shower and come running out screaming and naked.

9) What is your biggest fear?
cooked fruit coming up my straw from my sonic drink (like a strawberry) and egg salad. also any bugs bigger than a ladybug.

10) What is the funniest thing you’ve seen on the internet?
probably that hide the penis dance you just showed. and the honey badger. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4r7wHMg5Yjg
The Young Girl recently posted..No good- very bad day

Noa April 27, 2011 at 5:48 pm

That is the single most spectacular joke I’ve ever heard. Wonderful.

The Young Girl April 28, 2011 at 1:15 pm

I’m got tons of them! but a lot of them you have to be here with me to really get. I have a lot of visual and loud jokes.
The Young Girl recently posted..No good- very bad day

Noa April 28, 2011 at 2:33 pm

Yeah, one of my favorite jokes ever is interrupting cow, but it loses it’s effect in written form.

SassyO April 27, 2011 at 2:42 pm

I’m real. I promise. But I’m a little pissed off that Grace has played such an awesome prank because mine will seem like a shabby knock-off. But until today, IT WAS FUNNY.

1) Do you like your name? I like my name so much that I am in the process of restoring it back to its original form. No longer shall I carry the Norwegian Monstrosity of a name that I married into.

Side note: my super-cool Mom suggested to me that – as long as I was changing it legally – I could use my middle name as my last name, and give myself any name that I wanted. And when I thought about it? I didn’t want to.

2) What is your worst weakness?
I do not ask for help, even when I need it. Which is even more stupid when you consider how HAPPY I am when someone asks me for help, and I can do something for them.

3) What do you do alone in your car?
Sing show tunes. Both the boys and girls parts. :)

4) Do you have a favorite game show?
Not really. I sometimes watch Jeopardy with my parents when I visit them. (I know. Lame!)

5) Would you want to know the exact day of your death?
Probably not. I’m so anal that I would have to organize, and plan, and leave lists to be sure no one was overburdened. Instead, I think I’ll just create a document to be certain everything will done correctly and to my specifications.

6) If you could become a character in a TV show or movie, who would you chose to be?
Sarah (the sexy super spy) on CHUCK. Mostly so that I could kiss Zachary Levi, but also to kick ass and look good doing it.

7) Do you know any jokes? If so, tell me one.
I am a terrible joke teller. But this is my favorite:

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Fish!

8) Which is the most funny prank you’ve seen played?
Ok. In my single years, I was a madrigal singer at our local Renaissance Festival (later, I got only slightly more cool and became a swordfighter)
Anyway, at the end of the day, we sang atop the tower at the exit of the festival. One of the performers in a stage act was doing a “bit” where he asked the “fair maidens for their hand in marriage” so I took off my prosthesis and threw it down at him, to the astonishment/shock/abject horror of the onlookers. He deftly caught it and twirled it like a baton before throwing it back up to me.

9) What is your biggest fear?
Anything having to do with the safety and well being of my children. It scares me so much I can’t even really write it down.

10) What is the funniest thing you’ve seen on the internet?
http://blog.ted.com/2010/05/14/the_talk_julia/

Sarah

Noa April 27, 2011 at 5:48 pm

Your name changing experience reminds me of the episode of Friends where Phoebe changes her name to Princess Consuela Bananahammock, so her husband changes his to crap bag.

I think your choice of names is better.

KatieTheBlogLady April 27, 2011 at 3:30 pm

1. ) Do you like your name?

I’m not particularly fond of my birth name, Kathleen. And, unlike Elizabeth, I was unable to get my name change to stick when I decided (at the ripe’ol age of 10) to go by “Tiger.” So, Katie had to do.

2) What is your worst weakness?

My abs.

3) What do you do alone in your car?

Pick my nose or masturbate. Just kidding, I never mess with the little man on the boat in the car. That would be sick and twisted, and I’m clearly neither of those.

4) Do you have a favorite game show?

I suck at game shows. I get all nervous and it stunts my ability to process thoughts.

5) Would you want to know the exact day of your death?

Fo sho. I’d like to know the exact time too. That way I could be doing something really cool like sky dive with no parachute. What a rush!

6) If you could become a character in a TV show or movie, who would you chose to be?

Michael Scott because he’s so oblivious. I like oblivious.

7) Do you know any jokes? If so, tell me one.

This is a hard one. That’s what she said. Dah dah dah. I’ll be here all night folks.

8) Which is the most funny prank you’ve seen played?

I was pretty good at crank calling back in the day. One time I called every pet store in town looking for doggy condoms cause my bitch was such a whore.

9) What is your biggest fear?

You finding the GPS tracker I put on your car.

10) What is the funniest thing you’ve seen on the internet?

You wanna do it in my butt, in butt?. Aww ya.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbGkxcY7YFU

Noa April 27, 2011 at 5:47 pm

OH DAMN MICHAEL SCOTT. Now I’m jealous of your choice. PS–I found it. I put it on a squirrel and gave him meth. Enjoy!

Karen April 27, 2011 at 5:18 pm

1) Do you like your name? Yep. It’s kind of old-fashioned.
2) What is your worst weakness? My bladder. Seriously, I can’t hold pee very well. I haven’t had kids, either. Sometimes I have to go really bad and a little pee comes out. I’m regularly afraid of wetting my pants.
3) What do you do alone in your car? Talk back to the news, pick my nose, sing
4) Do you have a favorite game show? It’s a toss-up between Jeopardy and The Price Is Right. I always feel like I’m smarter than the contestants on both shows. But really, do I know the price of a multi-vitamin or the year of the Treaty of Utrecht? Somehow when I’m watching, I know all that shit and a lot more!
5) Would you want to know the exact day of your death? Absolutely not.
6) If you could become a character in a TV show or movie, who would you chose to be?
7) Do you know any jokes? If so, tell me one. What do you call that patch of hair between your grandma’s tits? Her pussy. (The 72-year old lady bartender told me that one!)
8) Which is the most funny prank you’ve seen played? When I was in high school I worked at a Burger King. There were two sets of doors – one from the outside into a small vestibule area and then one set into the restaurant. Somehow, two of my siblings convinced a third sibling that it was soundproof in there. Sibling 1 enters and pretends to scream. Sibling 2 enters and pretends to scream. Sibling 3 enters and screams bloody murder, alone, in a vestibule at Burger King. Nice looks from the other patrons.
9) What is your biggest fear? Most bugs or creepy-crawly things.
10) What is the funniest thing you’ve seen on the internet? There’s a lot of good stuff out there. This one made me laugh out loud at work: http://www.cracked.com/blog/11201-more-pieces-terrible-advice/

Noa April 27, 2011 at 5:46 pm

Thank you for the 11,201 pieces of terrible advice. Brilliant. Also–Thank you for commenting!

Johi April 27, 2011 at 6:46 pm

1) Do you like your name? Yes. I like correcting people when they pronounce it wrong, because I am an asshole and like to feel superior to others.

2) What is your worst weakness? Reality TV, wine, chocolate and swearing- usually it all happens simultaneously.

3) What do you do alone in your car? Um…. drive? Maybe some singing, but I’m super talented so I do that in front of people with no shame.

4) Do you have a favorite game show? I used to love the Newlywed Game. Am I dating myself?

5) Would you want to know the exact day of your death? No. I’m paranoid enough as it is.

6) If you could become a character in a TV show or movie, who would you chose to be? Someone crafty, evil and ridiculous, like the blond step sister in Ever After.

7) Do you know any jokes? If so, tell me one. Only one and it is old: A millionaire wanted a depiction of Custer’s last thoughts painted on his office wall and hired an artist to render it in the form of a mural. When the painting was finished the millionaire walked in a saw a giant cow with a halo and Native Americans in a bunch of sexual positions. The millionaire was furious and yelled at the artist “What is this??? I wanted Custer’s thoughts at Custer’s Last Stand!” The artist replied, “I’ll bet he was thinking ‘Holy Cow, that’s a bunch of fucking Indians”.

Now I have to go get my screaming child.
8) Which is the most funny prank you’ve seen played?
9) What is your biggest fear?
10) What is the funniest thing you’ve seen on the internet?
Johi recently posted..More Incredible Fashion With Thing 1

Noa April 28, 2011 at 2:32 pm

I’m not gonna lie–I fucking love your name. I almost have Adrian convinced that it’s a good name for a child (that we may never have. “It’s a boy’s name, Noa.” “SO IS MINE, A-HOLE.” And the Newlywed Game is, possibly, the best game show ever.

Johi April 28, 2011 at 8:59 pm

I love the androgyny of having a “boy’s name”. I clearly love your name too. I also love that I can use an Italian accent on my answering machine and say “You’ve reached fucking Johi, leave a fucking message.” Fun fun!
Johi recently posted..I wanted to write today but I couldnt disturb this

Noa April 29, 2011 at 2:38 pm

How YOU doin?

Dear Sweet Mama April 27, 2011 at 7:06 pm

OK, I will try this.
name liking – do now. But when I was in jr. high I wanted my name to be Heather and all my little friends called me that when they wrote me notes. Now, I like my name – it is much better than Bubble Butt, which is what my brother always called me.

worst weakness – I am a sucker for any sob story – need cab fare, dog needs a home, homeless person needs a dog or a cab, cab needs new wheels, dog chases cab – you get the drift. Plus, I tend to think I am responsible for everything. Tsunami – I totally wasn’t paying attention and look what happened.

alone in car – I talk to myself something fierce and of course sing and dance. And always stop and eat at places that are bad for me when I’m traveling – HA to you, Concubine!!

favorite game show – I love Cash Cab. But also Jeopardy cause the Concubine is not good at it and I like to rub her face in it. Nice, aren’t I?

Exact day of death – yes, like Hoody, I am a planner and would want to have made appropriate arrangements so as not to inconvenience anyone. Probably get my hair and makeup done and go lay in the coffin to be ready and not leave a mess.

Character on tv – well, again like Hoody – one of Captain Kirk’s ho’s would be good – that green one is hot.

Jokes – one of my weak points. I can never remember any so it is possible to tell me the same one over and over and I will still laugh like a hyena until about the 20th time.

Funny prank – well, I was an obstetrical nurse most of my career. Let’s just say I’ve done some unusual things with fake poop. And then also made a bed pan into a hat with a flashlight on it the night the power went off. I also don’t think anyone else plays better pranks than me. And Hoody is usually my not so willing victim. After talking with her on the phone one day, I waited about 15 minutes and then called back and started repeating the conversation. She thought I had taken the Alzheimer’s train.

Biggest fear – something happening to my loved ones that I can’t control. But after last night – nightcrawler worms that are on the sidewalk in the dark and then go swoosh!! back into the ground when the dog walks by. And great big millipides.

Funniest thing on the internet – oh, Noa – that would be you and Hoody if you weren’t the same person.

Love ya!!

hoodyhoo April 28, 2011 at 6:04 am

by the way, that Alzheimer’s thing is NOT FUCKING FUNNY. Remember the boy who cried wolf? Oh, wait, YOU CAN’T.
hoodyhoo recently posted..The Apocolist!

Noa April 28, 2011 at 2:32 pm

I love your family battles here.

Noa April 28, 2011 at 2:31 pm

You’re so thoughtful about the day of your death, though I suspect it’s because you’re afraid of what Hoody would do at your funeral if you didn’t already have it prepared. And thanks for kissing my ass and saying that Me/Hoody are the funniest person(s) on the internet.

Coco April 27, 2011 at 8:32 pm

Alright now. I’m a stalker, but you understand because of my crazy granny that believes her roof is where star crossed lovers meet to do it & has been high on pills since 1946. Also, what’s up with the “Biblical” references & “skills like thee hath never seen”? Just curious because I’m seeing a pattern here…..

1) Love my name. Who doesn’t like Cori Dawn Wild? it’s the perfect name. 4 letters in each, blends well together & Cori backwards is I ROC(K).

2) Self discipline is my weakness. I have none. Hence the reason for the lack of cartoons lately on my pathetic & sometimes disgusting blog. I should really get on that.

3) Listen to music that I can’t with Hubby & sing loudly. And dance a little. Turd may get embarassed from time to time but at least I’m dressed. Most of the time.

4) I don’t really watch TV & when I do, it’s not game shows. I don’t really care for them though I used to really get into that show with the briefcases. I can’t even remember so…. yeah.

5) Hell no. Never. That’s just, no. I think I would go nuts from the anxiety knowing that I only had 39 years 20 hours & 2 min or something. Then I’d really get pissed at the grocery store behind the large woman in a tube top dress & her 23 children running around unsupervised while she pays for as much as she can with food stamps & asks the cashier 10 million questions & wastes an hour of my precious time. “I only have 39 more years & 19 hours left you whore!!!!” I could see me saying that.

6) Like a Hot TV detective who’s badass & smart. Oh, Bones. Totally. Because then I’d know shit, be rich & hot & kick ass.

7) The only jokes I know are “your mama” because I have to “bring it” from time to time.

8) I love pranks & we pull them all the time here in the Wild household. But as for favorites, I’ll have to get back to you on that one.

9) My biggest fear is anything to do with bugs & not being able to breathe. Wanna freak me the fuck out? Stick a bug up my nose but then I’ll have to punch you once I’m done freaking out & crying.

10) That last video was pretty funny. Also hard to narrow down since lately everything makes me either laugh or cry uncontrollably due to prego hormones.

Also love that your sister has a sense of humor about her leg. That woulda been the funniest shit to see.
Coco recently posted..Booger Breath

Noa April 28, 2011 at 2:29 pm

I had not noticed my biblical pattern until you pointed it out. Holy shit. Literally.

Cori Wild? That does kick ass. I once new a guy with the name Cody Danger Smith, and he used to tell people all the time that his middle name was Danger, but I’ll be honest, being Mrs. Wild would be awesome.

Norway May 18, 2011 at 9:09 pm

My last name is Wilder (no, really). Does this mean I win?

Noa May 19, 2011 at 4:34 pm

Shut the fuck up. That’s awesome.

Kelly April 27, 2011 at 11:27 pm

1) Do you like your name? Eh, I guess. It’s very Petticoat Junction (my middle name is Jo). I was going to be a Kelly whether I was a girl or a boy. My parents missed the day at school where they encouraged creativity.

2) What is your worst weakness? Food. I’ve gone so far as to hide wrappers in the trash. I even hid it when I lived alone. Because, you know, people like to take mental inventories of your pantry and then mock you behind our back.

3) What do you do alone in your car? Belt out every 90’s song imaginable like I don’t have to share a stage. And when I sing Celine, you’d better believe there’s chest pounding involved.

4) Do you have a favorite game show? Remote Control, Press Your Luck, Double Dare

5) Would you want to know the exact day of your death?
Yes. I’m a planner. I need to know how much time I have to check things off my bucket list. You see, I’m a procrastinator, so I’ll need to wait until the last minute possible for most of them. Except the sexy ones. If I die of old age, well, ew.

6) If you could become a character in a TV show or movie, who would you chose to be? I kinda want to live on Sesame Street.

7) Do you know any jokes? If so, tell me one. “You know what?” “What?” “Chicken butt!!!!” (courtesy of my 4 year old niece)

8) Which is the most funny prank you’ve seen played? I didn’t see it, but when I was in 3rd grade, the senior boys got the principal’s VW in the school gym before a pep rally.

9) What is your biggest fear? My husband not returning from Afghanistan, me and the kids getting eaten by all the fucking tornadoes the south is throwing at us, failing at parenting, flunking out of school…I could go on, but I’m sure there’s a character limit.

10) What is the funniest thing you’ve seen on the internet? Ooh, there’s lots. I’ll have o find the YouTube clip later, so for now I’ll go with Hyperbole’s Kenny Loggins Christmas. That shit made me pee. Literally.
Kelly recently posted..Fuck you- Mother Nature

Kelly April 27, 2011 at 11:28 pm

Wait. If #6 allowed me to be the love interest of Elliot Stabler or Jethro Gibbs or Anthony DiNozzo, I want THAT.
Kelly recently posted..Fuck you- Mother Nature

Noa April 28, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Oh man. Elliot Stabler. Ohhhh man.

Kelly April 28, 2011 at 9:21 pm

I. Know.

ZOMGswoonanddrool.
Kelly recently posted..Fuck you- Mother Nature

Noa April 29, 2011 at 2:39 pm

I watched an SVU marathon last night thanks to you!

Noa April 28, 2011 at 2:27 pm

I used to drive a Bug, so I have a special place for VW related pranks, as mine would pretty frequently wind up in the back of someone’s truck. Convenient. Thanks for the comment!

KatieBee April 27, 2011 at 11:33 pm

Hello Noa. Katie from Kentucky here. Long time listener, first time caller.

1. Do you like your name?
Meh. It’s ok. It’s worked well for me thus far.

2. What is your worst weakness?
Food. Of any kind (especially the fried kind). Yes, I am a fat ass and I am ok with that.

3. What do you do alone in your car?
Smoke. I am a total closet smoker. ‘Cause along with the Type II diabeetus I’m sure I’ll develop, I’m also working on a raging case of emphysema. Picture of health, y’all.

4. Do you have a favorite game show?
FUCKING FAMILY FUED. I would dominate that show. Too bad the rest of my family is retarded (and that’s meant in the most loving way…)

5. Would you want to know the exact day of your death?
Hell to the no. I would obsess about it. You know, the kind of obsession where you’re crying in a corner at 3 AM talking to yourself about all that time you wasted and OH MY GOD WHY AM I WASTING MORE TIME CRYING IN THIS CORNER?!?

6. If you could become a character in a TV show or movie, who would you chose to be?
Baby in “Dirty Dancing”. Or Dr. Emmett Brown in “Back to the Future” only so I can scream the line “1.21 GIGAWATTS!!!!”

7. Do you know any jokes? If so, tell me one.
A pirate walks in to a bar with a steering wheel attached to the zipper of his pants. He walks up to the bartender and asks for a drink. The bartender hands him his drink and says, “Hey buddy, do you know you have a steering wheel attached to the fly of your pants?” The pirate says, “Aye, and it’s drivin’ me nuts!”

8. Which is the most funny prank you’ve seen played?
Pretty much anything that involves scaring another person half to death makes me laugh hysterically.

9. What is your biggest fear?
Balloons. And one of my children dying. But mostly it’s balloons.

10. What is the funniest thing you’ve seen on the internet?
This made me laugh so hard, cake shot out of my nose.
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/10/god-of-cake.html
And the Honey Badger is super awesome too.

Noa April 28, 2011 at 2:25 pm

*NPR Voice* Welcome Katie. So glad to have you here. Also, I choked on my drink when I read your joke, then promptly read it to Adrian and he choked too. He doesn’t think any jokes are funny. You win.

Teala April 28, 2011 at 12:40 am

I will answer all your questions because… well… see #2.

Also: Stoli Blueberry Vodka and pineapple juice is amazing. What makes it even better? Drinking it while revising papers for a graduate Alfred Hitchcock film class.

1) Do you like your name? –I love my name. It’s unique. Story: My dad named me. There was this cartoon, Masters of the Universe. There’s a space warrior-princess named Teela. My dad liked the name, so that’s what he called me. Teala. It’s like the color TEAL but with A like the end of Sarah. My dad’s an artist, and he’s eccentric like that.

2) What is your worst weakness? –My almost complete lack of a filter or sense of context when in social situations. I say pretty must whatever comes to my mind without realizing it, and I change subjects like nobody’s business.

3) What do you do alone in your car? –I sing at the top of my lungs. (I’m good, and classically trained.) And dance. I also have conversations with myself, in depth conversations.

4) Do you have a favorite game show? –The Price is Right. Not this new Drew Carey bullshit. I <3 me some old school Bob Barker.

5) Would you want to know the exact day of your death? –Yes because I abhor ambiguity.

6) If you could become a character in a TV show or movie, who would you chose to be? –This is a really awesome question. I've never thought about it before. BUT I'd *totally* say: Any female actress/character who gets to star/make-out/get it on with Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Clive Owen, Gerard Butler, Jude Law, Collin Firth, or James McAvoy. (Notice they are all of non-Americans. That English/Irish/Scottish accent is delicious.)

7) Do you know any jokes? If so, tell me one. –"Shakespeare walks into a bar, and the bartender says, ‘Oi, you can’t come in ‘ere! You’re bard!’” AND "Which pencil should Shakespeare use: 2b or not 2b?" (Sorry, I'm doing my masters in literature; and I'm a *huge* Shakespeare nerd.) My favorite pun is on the character Sir John Falstaff, which is a pun on The Bard as well: Fall-Staff, Shake-Speare :D (This is better with a demonstration involving a pen in the genital region.)

8) Which is the most funny prank you’ve seen played? –I've led a sheltered life. I don't know what a prank is. Well… this isn't wholly true, but I can't think of anything.

9) What is your biggest fear? –I have no fears: I'm God…. well I'm the Dogma-Alanis Morissette God-ess. You should be afraid of me.

10) What is the funniest thing you’ve seen on the internet? –TOO. MUCH. To. Name. Your blog. The Bloggess. Mommy Wants Vodka. Hyperbole and a Half. The Goat's Hoof Shoes with Golden Revolver Heels.

Noa April 28, 2011 at 2:24 pm

Are you currently drinking IN your Alfred Hitchcock class? Because I’m inclined to believe he would have loved that. And thanks to your name, I will always picture you with a Xena outfit on with a jetpack attached.

Teala April 28, 2011 at 7:30 pm

No drinking IN the class, but that would have been awesome! Sadly today was the last class too. I WILL be drinking while writing my final paper though. :D

Also: Those are things I wear on any normal day. And for special occasions I have I diamond and platinum encrusted jetpack. Because I’m modest like that.

Noa April 29, 2011 at 2:38 pm

Xena, the Literary Drunken Princess to the rescue!

Teala April 29, 2011 at 8:05 pm

You are awesome! Xena, the Literary Drunken Princess, shall call you her friend. Or something. If you ever need rescuing. My fancy jetpack and I will be right there.

Noa April 30, 2011 at 2:37 pm

I can imagine that your jetpack burns are severe.

Shane April 28, 2011 at 4:49 am

1) Do you like your name?
Sometimes.
2) What is your worst weakness?
Beer and Cigarettes
3) What do you do alone in your car?
Sing hair band songs until I’m hoarse.
4) Do you have a favorite game show?
Nope.
5) Would you want to know the exact day of your death?
I actually know it. There’s an iphone app that figures all that out for you. If I quit cigarettes and beer, I will live an extra twenty years. But I will want to be dead for most of them.
6) If you could become a character in a TV show or movie, who would you chose to be?
That sheriff’s deputy from Walking Dead.
7) Do you know any jokes? If so, tell me one.

A guy is sitting in a bar. Having had too much to drink, he vomits all over his shirt. He looks at the guy next to him and says:
“Man, I am so screwed. It’s two in the morning, I just barfed on my shirt, and now when I get home my wife is going to throw me out.”
“No problem,” the guy next to him says. “Do you have fifty bucks?”
“Yeah,” vomit guy says. “Why?”
“Put the fifty dollars in your shirt pocket, and when you get home tell your wife that the guy next to you at the bar barfed on your shirt and gave you fifty dollars to pay for it.”
“Great idea,” the guy says.

So when he gets home he finds all of his stuff out on the lawn and his wife standing in the door, pissed.
“Look at you!” she says. “It’s three in the morning, you’re drunk, and you puked all over yourself!”
“Honey, look, ” the guy says. “I’m sorry, I know it’s late, and I have had too much to drink, but I did not barf on my shirt. The guy next to me at the bar puked on me. Look in my shirt pocket. He gave me fifty dollars to buy a new one.”
She pulls two fifties out of his pocket.
“You’ve got a hundred dollars in here,” she says.
“Yeah,” the guy says. “The same guy shit in my pants.”

8) Which is the most funny prank you’ve seen played?
Good question.
9) What is your biggest fear?
Being left alone.
10) What is the funniest thing you’ve seen on the internet?
Gotta be that guy with the blog Shit My Dad Says

Noa April 28, 2011 at 2:19 pm

“But I’ll want to be dead for most of them.” Truer words about beer and cigarettes have never been spoken. Thanks for the comment, yo.

Julia Andrus Williams April 28, 2011 at 9:28 am

1) Do you like your name? Yeah – it’s normal but not common

2) What is your worst weakness? Carbs

3) What do you do alone in your car? I only drive if I have to (meaning if I go somewhere solo), and then I GPS EVERYTHING. Even how to get from my house to the grocery store. I get lost easily.

4) Do you have a favorite game show? I only watch the Real Housewives of _____

5) Would you want to know the exact day of your death? No – it would affect the way I live too much.

6) If you could become a character in a TV show or movie, who would you chose to be? Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to be Vivian from Pretty Woman. It wasn’t until I was a teenager that I realized she’s a prostitute, but for some reason that doesn’t change my answer.

7) Do you know any jokes? If so, tell me one. Mickey and Minnie Mouse are getting a divorce. In court, the judge announces, “I’m sorry Mickey, but I can’t legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane…” Mickey replied, “I didn’t say she was mentally insane, I said that she’s fucking Goofy!”

8.) Which is the most funny prank you’ve seen played? One time I put toilet water in a Sprite bottle and gave it to my best friend’s ex… at church camp. Jesus didn’t laugh.

9) What is your biggest fear? Birds. I don’t like beaks.

10) What is the funniest thing you’ve seen on the internet? F You, Auto Correct
Julia Andrus Williams recently posted..House Renovation- A Fireplace Makeover

Noa April 28, 2011 at 2:16 pm

Wow. That’s the most vicious prank I’ve heard so far. I like it, and thusly, you as well.

Julia Andrus Williams April 28, 2011 at 3:38 pm

I’m rather proud of it myself. It’s definitely on my “Shittiest Things I’ve Ever Done” list.

Also, because of your questionnaire, I spent 2 hours reading F You, Auto Correct at work. So, thank you.
Julia Andrus Williams recently posted..House Renovation- A Fireplace Makeover

Noa April 29, 2011 at 2:36 pm

You’re welcome!

AshleyS April 28, 2011 at 3:32 pm

1) My name is Ashley, and…I mean, it’s alright I guess. It’s really common for my age (24), so I was never the only one in a class. I may have preferred something a bit more off the wall.

2) Wine. I am literally (and I am serious about that word) a borderline alcoholic. Sorry, that’s not funny. Until I fall down. Then it is.

3) I daydream about my fantasy life. The one where I am part of a family of werewolves and when we are humans, me and my werewolf boyfriend have awesome sex. And sometimes I have conversations with my imaginary boyfriend out loud. And sometimes I pretend I am driving through a zombie-infested wasteland while I simultaneously blow their brains out through the window.

4) CASH FUCKING CAB. I would own that shit.

5) Oh my god, this question makes my insides hurt. I DON’T KNOW. If I was going to die old, then yes. Young, no.

6) You know that chick who gets to bang Matt Damon in the Bourne movies? I would want to be her, but without, ya know, getting shot in the head.

7) Knock knock. Who’s there? To. To who? TO WHOM.

8) When I was in the 6th grade, I got kicked out of girl scouts for gluing my fellow girl scout to her chair and refusing to apologize. My mom still laughs about it.

9) Those inflatable yard decoration things that people put up on holidays. I will cross the street to avoid them. Also, mascot costumes. One time, Chuck E. Cheese tried to hug me and I pushed him to the ground and ran out.

10) Ally Motha Fucking Brosh. And you.

Noa April 29, 2011 at 2:36 pm

This might be my favorite survey so far. You’re an alcoholic who strikes fear in the hearts of girls scouts and stuffed mascots everywhere, who’s answer to 5 is the most interesting paradox. Thank you for making this awesome.

momiss April 28, 2011 at 4:43 pm

I’ll play.
1) Do you like your name? Yeah. I guess. I liked it better when so many people didn’t have it. It’s Melinda, btw.

2) What is your worst weakness? I have so many it’s hard to pick just one. Chocolate? Smoking? Coffee? Inappropriate men who never seem to disappear from my life? Pick any one, they are all bad.

3) What do you do alone in your car? Oh, honey, you should hear my rendition of Tupelo Honey. Lately, I also lecture my 13 year old twin boys about how nobody is to get near their penises. They hate that shit.

4) Do you have a favorite game show? uh, no. I pretty much gave up tv. But in the day I would have picked Jeopardy, before it got all wierd with the f ing “before and after” crap.

5) Would you want to know the exact day of your death? No. Why ruin the surprise? And it keeps me as good as I am. Just judge me by the enemies I have made. I have the very strong feeling you will understand what I mean by this.

6) If you could become a character in a TV show or movie, who would you chose to be? Mary Tyler Moore, baby!!!! Mostly for Mr. Grant.

7) Do you know any jokes? If so, tell me one. THere was this guy, who wrote solid gold music, but his lyrics were so pornographic he couldn’t get a deal, so he was working a piano bar. He was also hung like a horse. Some of his songs included “I Want to Hold You by the Ears When You Suck My Cock”. (At this point, I get embarrassed and everybody starts dying laughing. We are all usually drunk. This helps. Then you make up a few more even worse/more pornographic/funny song titles). So one night he is playing and he has shorts on and a lady notices and makes her way to the piano and says “Hey! Do you know your dick is hanging out of your pants?” And he sayd “Know it? Hell, lady, I WROTE it !!”

8) Which is the most funny prank you’ve seen played? I work with a few gossipy-holics. We take turns making sure they overhear certain whispered words, like “blowjob at work/school!!!” Or “statutory rape charges”, or “meth house” and then watch them scurry around trying to get the dope on a story that doesn’t even exist.
It never gets old.

9) What is your biggest fear? Losing one of my kids. It’s about the only thing left that I am afraid of.

10) What is the funniest thing you’ve seen on the internet? The video of a guy trying to take a dump in a field with a donkey who tries to screw him. If you haven’t seen it I will send it to you. He can’t get his pants up to run and I didn’t even know donkeys would try that, honestly. I have it saved from my “I hate men”days, which composed most of my 20’s and a good portion of my 30’s. I’m over it now. God gave me three sons. He shut me right up.
momiss recently posted..In which we cry over Charlie the cat

Noa April 29, 2011 at 2:38 pm

I’m fascinated and intrigued by your prank, and will start doing this myself. Oh wait, saying that my friend’s fiancee is actually a sex robot around our superiors is probably a good beginning.

momiss May 3, 2011 at 9:04 am

That’s good. But just imply there is something out of the ordinary in a sexual way and watch where it goes from there.

I recently “heard” a story that a teenage girl got caught at school giving a male teacher a blowjob and the man was led out of the school in handcuffs. This was just overheard. When I asked around, I find out that there were “inappropriate” texts between the teacher and the teenager, and he quit rather than get fired. At no point was there a blowjob or police or even handcuffs.

And this is in a remote rural community where most people are at least distantly related spanning an area of about 50 square miles. Honestly, it is the damndest thing I have ever seen. And as far as I know, that was what they came up without being baited by people like me.
momiss recently posted..A prayer of Moses- the man of God

Amanda April 28, 2011 at 11:28 pm

1) Yeah, I like my name now. I was almost named Cleopatra though, and I think I could have worn that name well.

2) Laziness. See, I can’t even elaborate on it more than that.

3) Smoke, but don’t tell anyone. It’s a secret. I also sing loudly and out of tune. And I don’t care if anyone else is in the car to hear my horrible singing.

4) I might be the only on, but I can’t stand game shows. It seems that every patient at the hospital WANTS to watch game shows and judge shows. I can’ stand either.

5) I would like to know the exact day of my death, but I would also like to know some other cool stuff that happens between now and then. I would like to find a good fortune teller, but there are none to be found up here. I had my fortune told when I turned 21, but the tramp told me that I would have 2.2 children, drive a car, have a house, and marry a man with the most common name for men in my age group.

6) Denny Crane.

7) I’m going to pass on this one because I always tell the punch line wrong and I really don’t think typing a joke out will improve my luck.

8) The prank. When I was 5 or 6, my father had a friend who would come over to the house to hang out. He brought plastic poop and left it on the bathroom counter. I still appreciate poop and fart jokes.

9) Pudding. It’s disgusting. Just the thought of it in my mouth makes me gag.

10) The honey badger video.

Noa April 29, 2011 at 2:40 pm

Wait, your parent’s choice was between Amanda and Cleopatra? Mine was either Tripp (a la Palin…) or Noa. At least you got one normal one out of it. And Pudding is fucking gross, thank you for telling the truth.

Mel April 28, 2011 at 11:51 pm

1) Yes. Mel is short, sweet, and to the point. It’s a normal nickname that’s neither embarrassing nor hard to pronounce.

2) I procrastinate like there is no tomorrow.

3) Pick my nose and fart. It’s so gross, but it feels so rewarding.

4) Cash Cab! Trivia game where you don’t have to stand AND you get paid? I mean, come on!

5) Nope. I’d rather be surprised. I don’t think knowing would make me live every day to the fullest. It would make me sad knowing that each passing day is one less day I have with my loved ones.

6) A real housewife.

7) Where do kings keep their armies? In their sleevies!

8) Oh man…I haven’t seen that many pranks in my lifetime. :/

9) Failure. I grew up with a tiger mom, and she instilled the deep fear of failure from a young age. To this day, I just don’t consider failure as an option. I’m afraid that once I fail, it’s going to start this chain reaction, and everything I have ever worked for will fall apart.

10) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wKhZzGR5tYU

Noa April 29, 2011 at 2:41 pm

It’d be an interesting dynamic to see you and your tiger mom both in the Cash Cab at the same time. I can imagine that the pressure might send you into a mental breakdown. Also, have you noticed that the Cash Cab driver looks a lot like Elliot Stabler from SVU? No? Just Me?

Mel April 30, 2011 at 12:21 am

I can see that.

Though if I need to save them from a burning building, I’d save Stabler first. I have a thing for tough-but-sweet guys. It’s gotta be Stabler the character, though, not the guy who plays him.

Noa April 30, 2011 at 2:37 pm

I think Stabler would be the one saving YOU first. It’s just what he do.

Jaclyn April 29, 2011 at 8:28 am

1) Yes. The only thing that annoys me is that I constantly have to spell it for people. Why the fuck does everyone want to add letters?
2) I’m unbearably awkward in social situations and I try way too hard to get people to like me. When I was 19, I thought that meant making inappropriate comments about my sex life in front of my boss. Who wanted to nail me.
3) I’m going to tell you what my mom does in the car instead. She picks her nose. A lot. At red lights, where all the other drivers can see her. Her reason for this is that she “can’t concentrate” on nose picking as she drives so she has to wait for the lights. As an adult I find it pretty funny, but as a kid I wanted to die of embarrassment.
4) When I was like 8 years old I loved Jeopardy. I used to be really smart and I’d get a lot of answers right. But now I’m a grown-up and I have other stuff crowding out all the useless trivia in my brain and I’m terrible at it. I’m certain I couldn’t beat my 8 year old self. Favorite show though? Dexter. OMG, I wanna hit that.
5) When my aunt was 20, a psychic told her she would die at 50 and she spent the next 30 years terrified. She’s almost 60 now, and definitely not dead. So no. I would definitely not want to know that.
6) Kate on Lost. She’s kind of a badass. Also, she banged Sawyer. I’m a total whore when it comes to imaginary people I’d fuck.
7) My friend’s facebook status the other day was something about all the dumb shit Donald Trump says and how people believe anything that comes out of his mouth. So I left like 30 comments where I made up lies about Trump. These included: Donald Trump cured Magic Johnson’s AIDS, Donald Trump is Mel Gibson’s real father, Donald Trump invented the Tempurpedic bed, Donald Trump’s first job was as a taxidermist’s apprentice, Donald Trump’s sperm are shaped like seahorses. My jokes are always retarded like that.
8) My brother is the king of pranks, because they are always so simple that you never see them coming. I remember the one where he is driving and you are in the back seat and he’s like “what’s that smell?” and you are like “what smell?”, and he’s like “you don’t smell that?”, and you are like “smell what?”. And then he’s like “I think it’s on my seat, can’t you smell that”, and you are like “I don’t smell anything”. And he’s like “seriously, smell the back of my seat, I think that’s where it’s coming from” and you are like “ok”, and then you do. And then he slams on his brakes and you hit your face into the seat.
My all time favorite though: If someone cuts him off on the highway or is driving like a dick, he will wait a few minutes and catch up to the guy so the guy doesn’t really remember that he cut him off because some time has passed. Then he puts on his “hero” face, drives up beside the guy and gets his attention, pointing to his tire and indicating that he has a flat. Then he laughs maniacally as the guy pulls over to check his tires. It works every damn time. And seriously, it sounds dumb but it’s the most hilarious thing you will ever see. I think the key is that he can do it completely straight-faced.
9) That something will happen to my daughter. Sometimes when I’m driving and she is in the car with me, she will fall asleep for a little too long and I freak out and start grabbing her face to wake her up and make sure she didn’t die in her sleep. Also worms. Those things are the nastiest things you will ever see.
10) I’m at work, so I’ll leave this one alone for now.
Jaclyn recently posted..Serial Killers and Family Values

Noa April 29, 2011 at 2:43 pm

FUCKING NAME-LETTER-ADDERS. I hate that shit. “There’s no H on the end of my name.” “Yes there is.” “Hand to God, there’s not. N. O. A. Finish.” “You’re wrong.” “Well Fuck You.”

Your Trump prank is fucking amazing and reminds me of Stephen Colbert’s campaign about Kyl. Also, your brother sounds like the most fun person ever. Adrian can’t wait to try all of the above.

Jaclyn April 29, 2011 at 2:55 pm

I once told someone my name was Jaclyn and she was like “oh how do you spell that?” and I told her. Apparently, she didn’t think the spelling matched to pronunciation because then she was like “oh, you mean Jocelyn?” YES, IN FACT I DO. THANK YOU FOR CLEARING THAT UP. OBVIOUSLY I HAVE BEEN MISPRONOUCING MY OWN NAME, YOU HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE TWAT.
Jaclyn recently posted..Serial Killers and Family Values

Noa April 29, 2011 at 2:59 pm

The best part of this rant was the juxtaposition of you calling someone a horrible twat and your blog post titled, “Serial Killers and Family Values.” Excellent work, Jocelyn.

Jaclyn April 29, 2011 at 3:35 pm

I heart you Noah, I heart you

Noa April 30, 2011 at 2:35 pm

Well played.

The Young Girl April 29, 2011 at 3:10 pm

People ask my name and when I tell them Sam they looked at me horrified and said “thats a boy’s name!’ I always want to say “Fuck you, I have a vagina!!”

I’m sure you also get this a lot Noa.
The Young Girl recently posted..No good- very bad day

Noa April 30, 2011 at 2:35 pm

They always say it like you’re unaware that your name is improperly positioned. “Hey fucksmack, I’ve always been named this. I’m aware.”

Jaclyn April 29, 2011 at 8:39 am

One more thing I forgot, that can fall into the prank category. There’s this game my friend and I play. We call it “the game”. The entire premise of the game is to stare at someone who doesn’t know about the game blankly and with your mouth open until they notice and ask you what is wrong with you. Again, it sounds so stupid, but you have to try it. It’s absolutely amazing.
Jaclyn recently posted..Serial Killers and Family Values

Noa April 29, 2011 at 2:44 pm

I LOVE YOUR PRANKS.

momiss April 29, 2011 at 9:20 am

For future reference, “knowing” someone biblically is being intimate with them. Doing the deed. Very classy word, no?
momiss recently posted..In which we cry over Charlie the cat

Noa April 29, 2011 at 2:44 pm

Gotcha.

Adrian April 29, 2011 at 7:36 pm

1) Enh, It’s alright (I’m sick of the Rocky jokes – yo Adrian!)
2) Video Games – They’re a true weakness in that I can get in moods where all I want to do is play them, but they are in no way, shape, or form productive toward any endeavor in life (unless you play shooter games and want to go into the military – which I do neither).
3) Not much – I drive to drive.
4) No, they’re a waste of time.
5) No, the anticipation would kill me beforehand.
6) Tony Stark – definitely
7) Sherlock Holmes and Watson were camping, and lying there under the stars Sherlock asks Watson, “what can you deduce from our current situation?” Watson replies, “By looking at all the millions of stars in this night sky from which we can only see a small fraction of here on Earth, I suspect that the universe is so vast that there is no other alternative but to have another rocky planet like ours orbitting another star with some great intelligent beings also gazing at the stars looking back at us. This is a sign that there must be something benign and magnificent that orchestrates such a beautiful tapestry of variety and grandeur whose omnipotence and generosity is grander than anything else and is therefore worthy of our appreciation and considerations for being able to witness this small part of his magnificence.” Holmes replies, “No you idiot, someone stole our tent.”
8) The time that my friend and I broke into our other friend’s apartment and turned the place upside down with a note on the TV telling him of the prank. When we returned to see if he thought it was funny, he told us that he did not check for a note and had called the cops (who were about to arrive any second). We ran like hell and hid while watching our friend explain to the cops that it was a stupid prank. upon hearing the officer ask my friend if he wanted to pick us up and scare us in retalliation, we learned the lesson of what happens when pranks backfire.
9) Slow painful gruesome death or castration – it’s hard to say which one would be worse.
10) You

Noa April 30, 2011 at 2:36 pm

And that man you played that vicious prank on was the best man at our wedding. How are these people still friends with you? Also, because you said I was the funniest thing you’ve ever seen on the internet, you get some poon.

finkel.face May 5, 2011 at 11:15 am

I. Loooooooathe. Butterflies. They are absolutely terrifying. Nothing should be that fluttery and light; it’s not natural.

Noa May 5, 2011 at 3:39 pm

Butterflies were sent to this planet to invade us.

Tina May 16, 2011 at 2:28 pm

1) Do you like your name?
As a child I didn’t.. I was always being called Tina Turner.. Now as an adult I think about it and was like she was rich and worked her ass off to be that way so now I take it as a compliment.. Also as an adult I see that my name is a little plain..

2) What is your worst weakness?
Chocolate and other assorted desserts

3) What do you do alone in your car?
I sing..

4) Do you have a favorite game show? Used to be Price is Right.. I don’t watch game shows anymore..

5) Would you want to know the exact day of your death?
Sometimes.. like when I used to work I would think about when I would go and whether or not that would affect people I worked with.. you know like leaving them short handed…

6) If you could become a character in a TV show or movie, who would you chose to be?
I have no clue..

7) Do you know any jokes? If so, tell me one.
Drawing a blank on this ….

8) Which is the most funny prank you’ve seen played?
Ohh so this was totally on me.. This was right after Obama was elected President.. The running joke was that Michelle Obama was taking out the rose garden to put in a watermelon patch and for the love of every thing anyone holds sacred I had a blonde moment.. I said OMG Why??? so umm yea I was the laughing stock for a while… The general consensus was that if you wanted to prank someone it would be me.

9) What is your biggest fear?
Hmm haven’t thought about this either..

10) What is the funniest thing you’ve seen on the internet?
Yarn Porn.. yep.. Courtesy of The Bloggess and her top ten weird things people send her during the months…

Noa May 16, 2011 at 8:35 pm

Oh Yarn Porn–fucking delightful. Thanks for Sharing!

String Bean Queen May 17, 2011 at 1:05 pm

1. Do I like my name? Yes. As corny as this sounds, I think it sounds romantic. Also it’s an alcoholic beverage. And also there were like 50 songs written about women of the same name. Finally, it means “cherished one”. My mother obviously loved me. I’ll let you guess what my name is now. P.S. the spelling is unconventional and people are constantly asking me to spell it which drives me nuts and makes me want to go for their jugular.
2. What is my worst weakness? My piss hole. I think if I had a stronger piss hole, I wouldn’t pee my pants so often. Damn kids for weakening both my piss hole AND my hump hole at the same time!
3. What do I do alone in my car? Like some of the others on here, I pick my nose. I also spend a lot of time blowing my nose, and then throwing the wadded up tissues and letting them land where they may. Also, I wipe my boogers on my seat often. I would recommend that nobody else drive my car.
4. Do I have a favourite game show? Not any more. But when I was a kid, I watched all the classics: Family Feud, Price is Right, Wheel of Fortune. I think my favourite was Family Feud though. I liked the humor of watching families go at each others’ throats. Kind of like my own family.
5. Would I want to know the exact day of my death? No. I have an anxiety disorder. This would not be helpful for me.
6. If I could become a character in a TV show or movie, I would want to be one of those hot females who gets to travel in the Tardis with Doctor Who.
7. Do I know any jokes? The first one that comes to my mind is one that my dad used to tell us when we were young’uns: What’s orange and crawls through the grass? A wounded cheesie. Groan.
Also a good joke to tell a 4-year-old is this one: Knock-knock. Who’s there? Fart. *uncontrollable laughter on behalf of the tot* The word ‘Fart’ becomes the punch line because every kid knows that farts are fucking awesome!
8. The funniest prank I’ve seen played? I do stupid shit like bring a dirty tube sock to work and leave it on the bathroom sink for the next person to find. Put tampons among the stir sticks in the kitchen. Also, there are two figurines of animals at the reception desk which I always arrange in compromising poses. I know it’s just silly stuff, but that’s my job as the office imp, and I take it seriously.
9. My biggest fear? Something bad happening to my kids. Also, I am afraid that I have a tumor up my bum. Sometimes it’s difficult to pinch a loaf.
10. I like The Annoying Orange on Youtube. But I honestly have to say that since finding this site, Noa, you have provided me with more laughs and insight than some crummy fruit. Thank you.

Noa May 17, 2011 at 8:07 pm

Your figurine reminds me of the job I used to have working for a hunter who had about 300 animal bodies/heads in his office. When he would leave, it was a race to see who could do the most absurd shit. It was awesome–someone once stripped on an elephant tusk.

Rachael May 18, 2011 at 11:10 pm

Hi. I’m new over here. The Bloggess sent me. Well, you sent me by putting an ad there. But I feel like answering some questions.
1) Do you like your name?
I don’t dislike my name. I am sure there are more exciting names in the world, and I would like very much to not be associated with Rachael Ray. I am also kind of sick of telling people how to spell it. But it could be much worse.
2) What is your worst weakness?
Crowds. Fuck. Don’t put me in a crowd. Wait–don’t put me in a crowd of fucking clowns. Actually really yes the “fucking clowns” was originally meant for emphasis but I think a clown orgy crowd would just about have me running and screaming faster than anything else. Put that on a train and BAM. Weakness.
3) What do you do alone in your car?
I plug my ipod in and put it on random on my Amanda Palmer/Dresden Dolls playlist. Then I sing along really loudly, even if my jaw hurts. Occasionally I see someone else singing along in their car, but I pretend I don’t look as dumb as they do because I’m singing Amanda Palmer and they’re singing Ke$ha. So yes. I sing and occasionally feel pretentious about my musical tastes.
4) Do you have a favorite game show?
Is Chopped a game show? It is on the food network. They start with four people and eventually only one is left and they win a prize. Actually, now I’m kind of disturbed about that kind of game show because it reminds me way too much of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and, well, that was kind of creepy. Also I don’t think they’re game shows in the first place, so I guess no.
5) Would you want to know the exact day of your death?
Hm. Can anything I do between now and then change it, or is it definite? I think I’d like to know, but I would want to know how set-in-stone it was, too. That way if I want to live longer and there’s some leeway, I might try to exercise and be healthier. On the other hand, if I know it’s going to be about a month or something, I would do stuff that would normally be considered “ruining my life” in order to live it up and make sure I don’t die thinking “I never did anything really, really stupid.”
6) If you could become a character in a TV show or movie, who would you chose to be?
Can I be Abby on NCIS? I would like being Abby, and I would have a nice group of people to care about.
7) Do you know any jokes? If so, tell me one.
This seems to be a question people like to ask and whenever someone asks me I can’t think of any. I do know a limerick about syphilis, though.
8) Which is the most funny prank you’ve seen played?
Sarah Palin.
9) What is your biggest fear?
Wait, didn’t we already cover this? I thought we covered this. Maybe I interpreted “weakness” wrong, in which case I am changing my weakness to key lime anything and my fear is up there in the weakness question.
10) What is the funniest thing you’ve seen on the internet?
There was this picture of a cat in a tree. It kind of looked like an owl. And it said, “Leave me alone. Today I’m an owl.” I laughed for like 20 minutes. Probably because it was right at the end of finals and none of us had slept for weeks. It might not actually be funny at all. I will let you judge that. Here: http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/998346/Today+I+am+an+OWL/
Rachael recently posted..Horrible Medical Advice of the Week- Preventative Euthanasia

Noa May 19, 2011 at 4:30 pm

I can’t get past your Sarah Palin thing. I can’t breathe for laughing.

Todd May 27, 2011 at 1:15 am

1) Do you like your name?
I’m resigned to it. I tried to go by TJ for a while but it just never stuck.

2) What is your worst weakness?
Guys with tattoos. How can a little ink cover up such such a multitude of faults??

3) What do you do alone in your car?
Curse at the other drivers. I’m generally a very laid back person, so this is where I get all my aggression out. I’m trying to fix it though – turns out it weirds my coworkers out.

4) Do you have a favorite game show?
Press Your Luck! Big money, no Whammies!

5) Would you want to know the exact day of your death?
Yes. And the closer it got, the more I would lord that shit over people. “I don’t know… I mean, I’m gonna die on Wednesday but I guess some ice cream might make it better. A little…”

6) If you could become a character in a TV show or movie, who would you choose to be?
Hollywood, from Mannequin. Say what you will, but that guy had style!

7) Do you know any jokes? If so, tell me one.
This guy walks into a bar with a giraffe. He orders a drink for himself and one for the giraffe. The giraffe drinks it down, and immediately falls over dead. The guy finishes his drink, and gets up to leave the bar. The bartender yells out “Hey! You can’t leave that lyin’ around here!” And the guys says “It’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe.”

8) Which is the most funny prank you’ve seen played?
For my birthday, my coworkers removed everything from my desk. EVERYTHING. They put each item in a box, and wrapped them up in paper and ribbons. My stapler. My photos. My computer monitor. Everything. And then they distributed them to people throughout the 4-story building, from the receptionist to the President of the company. Took me all damned day to find everything. Well played…

9) What is your biggest fear?
The two things I have nightmares about are sharks and tornadoes. God help me if Hollywood decides to combine the two.

10) What is the funniest thing you’ve seen on the internet?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bn1-M5Ze0p8&feature=channel_video_title

Noa May 27, 2011 at 5:12 pm

If Hollywood doesn’t make that movie, SyFy will. Count on it. Also, that video was the best and yet worst thing I’ve seen ever, because now I have to do that. I’m compelled.

Ena June 3, 2011 at 11:53 am

1) Do you like your name?
Nope, I’ve always wanted to change it.
2) What is your worst weakness?
I have a crippling self-loathing, and I’m terrible at making balloon animals
3) What do you do alone in your car?
I don’t have a car
4) Do you have a favorite game show?
I used to love Bruce’s Price is Right
5) Would you want to know the exact day of your death?
Yes, it would help me plan
6) If you could become a character in a TV show or movie, who would you chose to be?
Um. Abby Sciuto from NCIS, she’s pretty cool
7) Do you know any jokes? If so, tell me one.
A man walks into a fancy dress party completely bollock naked with a jam-jar over his penis. Everyone is looking at him weirdly, until eventually a woman dressed as little Bo-Peep goes to ask him what he’s supposed to be. He says; “I’m a fireman. Break the glass, pull the knob and I’ll come as fast as I can.”
8) Which is the most funny prank you’ve seen played?
A group of boys dressed as grandmas for Halloween, carrying a fake door frame around with them. Then when they knocked on doors, they complimented the home-owners on their costumes, gave them candy and closed the fake door.
9) What is your biggest fear?
That this is the best it gets in life
10) What is the funniest thing you’ve seen on the internet?
Probably the Japanese fan dance video you linked, I laughed ’til I cried and bookmarked it.

Noa June 6, 2011 at 1:02 am

I too share your weakness for making shitty balloon animals. I hate it, but as you know, you learn to live with it.

Jeni June 7, 2011 at 1:39 am

1) Do you like your name?
Not in the least, thus my attempt at making it cooler. I was originally a Jenny but changed the spelling sometime in middle school. However I still allow myself to make fun of others who change the spellings of their names (or stripperfying, as I like to call it) because apparently I think I’m better than everybody else.

2) What is your worst weakness?
Sloth. Stubborness. Naivety. Oh, and babies. I fucking love babies. Hate kids, love babies. Kind of like how puppies and kittens are so much cuter than dogs and cats, I suppose. I’m not breeding until I have enough money to send my kids to boarding school once they start irritating me.

3) What do you do alone in your car?
Switch radio stations non-stop. I have to restrain myself when other people are in the car because my musical ADD is HORRIBLE. My fiance has pretty much banned me from bringing my ipod with me whenever I’m in the car with him because I will play 20 seconds of a song and then skip to the next one, or want to replay the same song five times over, or some other obnoxious thing.

4) Do you have a favorite game show?
If I had to choose, I suppose it would have to be Legends of the Motherfuckin’ Hidden Temple. But it’s a really tough choice because I’m a huge trivia buff (my dad likes to call me “A Vestibule of Useless Information) to the point where people get mad because of how much I dominate at bar trivia games. Which is always fun, because I’m cute so nobody expects it out of me…

5) Would you want to know the exact day of your death?
I don’t know that I would want the exact date, but the year would be nice. We spend so much of our lives busting our asses to try and save up for a our retirements and you never know if you’re going to drop dead before you get to take all those trips you’ve always wanted to go on.

6) If you could become a character in a TV show or movie, who would you chose to be?Does Dr. Drew count? Cos I’m not sure if I want to be him or marry him, but he’s a badass.

7) Do you know any jokes? If so, tell me one.
A duck walks into a bar and sits down on one of the bar stool. The bartender asks him what he’ll have. “You got any gwapes?” asks the duck. “No, uh, no grapes here,” says the bartender. The duck leaves. He comes back the next day. “Got any gwapes?” he asks again. “No, we don’t sell grapes here, this is a bar,” the bartender says. The duck walks out again. He comes in the next day and asks the bartender again, “Got any gwapes?” “NO!” yells the bartender, “We don’t have any goddamn grapes here, and if you ask me again, I’m going to staple your beak shut!”

The duck thinks for a minute, then asks, “You got any staples?”
“No…” says the bartender.
“Got any gwapes?”

8) Which is the most funny prank you’ve seen played?
Probably when I rented a squirrel costume for the day and convinced my friend to put it on and chase down the neighbor with a shovel.

9) What is your biggest fear?
I don’t know if I would consider it a fear or not, but I fucking hate birds. We took a trip down the Mexico and the vendors there kept following me around with macaws trying to get me to take a picture with them and I almost lost my shit. I want nothing to do with them. We actually just put a feeder out in our backyard specifically for squirrels and I’m pissed because there haven’t been squirrels, just more birds.

10) What is the funniest thing you’ve seen on the internet?
That is an extremely tough call, but this video always makes me smile all over my face, no matter how bad my day was.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X0-Sv6YnxEc

Noa June 7, 2011 at 2:46 pm

Oh, Legends of the Hidden Temple.

These kids on the show apparently never ever watched it at home because if I were on the show, I could have gotten through the temple in about 5 fucking seconds. These kids were a-holes who panicked. Always the barracudas, too–the ones with the coolest t-shirts who were the biggest let downs.

Wow. I’m way too into game shows.

Jeni June 7, 2011 at 8:54 pm

No kidding, I mean, is it really THAT hard to put together the monkey statue? I think some of them were probably paid to throw the game.

Noa June 8, 2011 at 12:28 pm

Goddamn tween assholes. They’ll do anything for pixie stix and fundip. GET OFF THE DIP, YO.

barefootorbust June 12, 2011 at 10:30 pm

I absolutely love your blog! I am so glad I stumbled here….So I guess now that I am here I shall play too..

1) Do you like your name? No. It is very plain and common. As a consequence most people call me Eleanor, which is neither plain nor common.

2) What is your worst weakness? Interwebs. Seriously, I need a 12 step program….

3) What do you do alone in your car? I don’t have a car. However, that does not sop me from singing along with my mp3 player at the top of my lungs or arguing back to the podcasts while wiating for the bus (or on the bus, depending on how aware I am on that particular day)

4) Do you have a favorite game show? I am a bit of a British panel show nerd. I LOVE QI, Mock the Week, Would I Lie To You, 8 out of 10 Cats, and Never Mind the Buzzcocks.

5) Would you want to know the exact day of your death? Yes…and no. This is an interesting question. If in fact knowing the date would make it set in concrete and I couldn’t die BEFORE that date, then I would do a lot of things that abject fear is keeping from trying. I mean, if it isn’t that date yet, I can’t die…right? Bungie jumping, cliff diving, the Mall on black Friday….

6) If you could become a character in a TV show or movie, who would you chose to be? It is a toss up between Abi Sciutto from NCIS or Martha Smith, the Doctor’s companion when David Tennent was still on Doctor Who.

7) Do you know any jokes? If so, tell me one. I am bad at remembering jokes. I usually mix two into one then they don’t make sense.

8) Which is the most funny prank you’ve seen played? Hmmm. Well, I used to do historical re-creation, and guys would frequently stumble into our camp drunk, sit in a chair and pass out. So one event we decided we’d had enough of this and gathered the accoutrements for retaliation. The next guy who stumbled into our camp was this 6′ 5″ manly man with a long beard. He woke up with pink sheep beads braided into his beard, pretty pink and purple ribbons braided into his hair, eye shadow and lipstick and blusher on his face, and glitter EVERYWHERE. We rubbed it deep into his hair so he couldn’t just brush it out. We even opened his pants and glittered those hairs. He was a herald and had to go to a meeting that morning all decked out. :)

9) What is your biggest fear? Getting lost. I have to sense of direction at all, and one of these days I am going to go around in circles and no one is going to find me and I am going to die there all alone probably blocks from home. *BREATHE* I’m fine…really…

10) What is the funniest thing you’ve seen on the internet? You. Sleep Talkin Man. Damn You Autocorrect.

Noa June 12, 2011 at 11:04 pm

I’m glad you found me too (and that you said I was funny, hooray)!

I really, really need to watch Dr. Who–you’re the 5,000th person who’s told me that. Damnit. Off to OnDemand I go!

Anna July 31, 2011 at 1:04 pm

1) Do you like your name?
moreso now than when i was younger. in highschool, 3 of my best friends were named anna also, and we had an “anna club” anna 1, 2, 3, 4 (i was #1) …..but for some reason this girl brittiney who demanded to draw attention no matter what she did, had to be a part of it too, so we were anna 1, 2, 3, 4 …and brittiney. and that kinda pissed me off….
also, when i was about 7, i demanded that my parents call me daisy.

2) What is your worst weakness?
comfy beds, couches, hammocks, pillows, backseats of luxury cars, etc.

3) What do you do alone in your car?
the same thing most people do. sing as loud as possible, because it’s the one place you know you can’t be heard. you’re in an enclosed space, alone, AND mobile.

5) Would you want to know the exact day of your death?
yes. anticipitation (i just had a really hard time spelling that) (fuck i spelled it wrong) ….anticipation is the worst.

6) If you could become a character in a TV show or movie, who would you chose to be?
falcor in the neverending story. who doesn’t love a puppy? how about a giant one? OR ONE THAT CAN FLY?

7) Do you know any jokes? If so, tell me one.
“today, i will change out of my pajamas, AND brush my teeth” -me. damnit, i really wish this wasn’t such a joke though…

8) Which is the most funny prank you’ve seen played?
oh god, i can’t tell you how hard this question is. alright, i’m gonna go with the time my friends and i prank called my neighbor and pretended to be the “300 lb. woman next door whose dog had run away, and who was too fat and stuck in her recliner to get up.” we told him the dog’s name was bacon (because it was his favorite) and the only way to get him to come to you was to shake bacon at him. we then watched my neighbor walk around our neighborhood shaking raw bacon in the air, yelling over and over, “BACON!!! BACON..”

9) What is your biggest fear?
i can really relate to your fear of crowded places. i don’t even like going out in public, that’s where all the normal people go, and they are quite frightening. aside from that, i’m actually fearless. and giant bugs.

10) What is the funniest thing you’ve seen on the internet?
i am an internet junkie. this is really tough to answer too…

maybe this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2BgjH_CtIA
just watch it. it’s short, and funny for absolutely anyone.

or for a more “EDGY!!, DARING!!!” sense of humor,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=skCV2L0c6K0
you must know a little background info, though. the guy talking was tripping acid, his friends locked him in a closet and recorded everything he said, then made this awesome animated video to go with it.

Noa August 3, 2011 at 9:57 pm

I can’t stop watching the acid lizard video.

Havilah August 3, 2011 at 12:01 pm

1) Do you like your name?
I absolutely love my name! Almost nobody has ever heard of it before.
2) What is your worst weakness?
Procrastination… example: right now I should be finishing up a Comp. II paper that is due tomorrow, but…. yeah.
3) What do you do alone in your car?
Sing along with the radio and challenge myself to get all the words right. And I station surf really bad.
4) Do you have a favorite game show?
I hate game shows, so… no. I do love “Whose Line Is It Anyway”, though.
5) Would you want to know the exact day of your death?
PLEASE! I have wanted to know this for so long. Somehow, I feel that if I knew that day, I could then feel free to do all the badassery I’ve always secretly longed to.
6) If you could become a character in a TV show or movie, who would you chose to be?
Definitely Hermione Granger, because then I could stop her from marrying Ron. Just a pipe-dream of mine ever since I was told I look like her.
7) Do you know any jokes? If so, tell me one.
Little boy is in his living room playing Bus Driver. [New York Accent firmly in place] “All you Motherfuckers on the bus get off the bus. All you Motherfuckers off the bus get on the bus.” His mother comes in, “What did you say?!” She smacks him, he goes tumble bumble across the room. Looks up at her, “Bitch! It’s people like YOU who make the bus late!”
8) Which is the most funny prank you’ve seen played?
In college, for April Fool’s Day a few classmates of mine took the wall clock down during break & changed it back half an hour so we could get out of class early. They succeeded, it was awesome.
9) What is your biggest fear?
The fear that other people secretly shun me entirely as not being good enough. It’s stupid, but regretfully my biggest fear.
10) What is the funniest thing you’ve seen on the internet?
Probably the skit David Tennant and Catherine Tate performed for Red Nose Day this year. Laughed my ass off so hard, and then forced my family to watch it so they could enjoy the greatness of those two.

Noa August 3, 2011 at 9:56 pm

Why would you demand that Hermione not marry Ron? I’m interested because I’m a hopeless Potter dork who legit refuses to watch the last movie so I don’t cry and cry and cry.

Havilah August 3, 2011 at 11:19 pm

Well, since you ask:
It is my firm belief that they are too different to possibly work. They are fighting all the time in the books, whether over some disagreement or over Harry. Ron is way too thick yet weirdly sensitive to certain things. Unless J.K. Rowling has been hiding a part from us where Ron miraculously grows up (who knows… Pottermore will reveal all), I really don’t think he & Hermione could hit it off very well.
This is just my humble opinion, feel free to bash it completely & change my mind if you can. :)
P.S., I completely understand your unwillingness to watch the final movie. I saw it in IMAX 3D & I’m pretty sure even the big, buff stranger-guy next to me at least sniffled a little. I would have soaked my sleeve through if I hadn’t been striving to keep my shit together so I could clearly watch & hear the entire movie (& so I wouldn’t embarrass myself by bawling in front of a stranger).

Havilah August 3, 2011 at 11:23 pm

P.P.S., I’m going to also stall the idea that I have something against gingers. I absolutely LOVE Gred & Forge and all their prank-y awesomeness (maybe it’s just because I’m a twin myself?). I just absolutely never could stand Ronald Bilius Weasley. :(

Norway August 21, 2011 at 1:41 am

I cried when Harry went back into Snape’s memories. That was the worst. I know I mentioned it as the funniest thing ever in my own comment, but if you’re upset about the end of HP, you definitely need to see this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmwM_AKeMCk

A Very Potter Musical is almost enough to make you forget that there’s not another movie coming. It’s a little long (it’s a full length musical, broken up into parts), but that just makes it better. Plus there’s a sequel. The magic does not end, y’all. I owe Team Starkid so much.

Havilah August 21, 2011 at 5:44 am

Oh, the memories scene… god, that was a tear-jerker (I don’t care if you are the toughest person ever). I have seen “part” of A Very Potter Musical & I really want to see the rest of it. I have a friend who is entirely obsessed with HP (and Twilight funny enough), so she definitely made sure I knew of AVPM. Thank you very much.

Norway August 21, 2011 at 1:36 am

1) Do you like your name?
Sure. It’s uniqueish and I have a pretty beast last name, so it works. The only problem is people constantly mispronounce/misspell it. I’ve learned to answer to the mispronounciation.

2) What is your worst weakness?
Does it count that I procrastinate far too often? It’s an art.
Also, food/sugar. I’d be the skinniest person ever if I was actually able to resist it. Pity I actually know how to bake.

3) What do you do alone in your car?
Sing. But I do that basically no matter where I am, as long as enough other people are talking that people won’t hear and it won’t be awkward.

4) Do you have a favorite game show?
Not really. I sort of like Cash Cab.

5) Would you want to know the exact day of your death?
Naw. I can’t imagine I’d handle that well.

6) If you could become a character in a TV show or movie, who would you choose to be?
Anyone who gets to hang out with Darren Criss. Seriously. That man is amazing.

7) Do you know any jokes? If so, tell me one.
A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde died and were on their way to Heaven when they were stopped by St. Peter. He told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke. If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven.
So the redhead made it to the 45th step and laughed.
The brunette made it to the 200th step and laughed.
The blonde made it to the 999th step and laughed.
St. Peter asked her “Why did you laugh? You were so close!”
The blonde replied, “I just got the first joke!!!”

8) Which is the most funny prank you’ve seen played?
I’m ashamed to say that I haven’t seen/played a whole lot. Or more likely, I’ve heard of plenty and can’t remember them. The best I can come up with was one my grandpa (whom I never knew) played:
He was a funny guy in general who loved pranking people, so for his birthday my grandma made him a cake of cardboard, which she lovingly decorated in elaborate frosting. When it was time for dessert she brought out the cake and had my grandpa cut it. At first he didn’t get why it was so hard to cut, but when he figured it out he thought it was absolutely hilarious. Just then one of his friends rang the doorbell. Sensing a golden opportunity, he quickly smoothed the frosting back down and invited his friend in to cut the cake, and watched it unfold all over again.

9) What is your biggest fear?
Can I name a few? I’m afraid that my friends just pretend to like me, and I’m actually a sucky, unfunny person. I’m afraid I’m not actually a good singer/actress. Actually, I’m afraid that I suck at everything I do, and everyone’s just putting up with me. But mostly I have a deep and lasting terror of the future. I am absolutely positive that I will screw that up beyond repair, and never go anywhere in life.

10) Funniest thing I’ve seen on the Internet:
I love all you hilarious bloggers, but A Very Potter Musical takes the cake, hands down. It’s a full length musical on YouTube based on Harry Potter, is the funniest thing ever, and is in general just wicked brilliant. Sometimes I like it better than the original HP. And so, for the viewing pleasure of all you Potter-geeks, I present AVPM, Act 1 Scene 1:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmwM_AKeMCk

Bryn August 23, 2011 at 12:23 pm

1) I love my name. Almost everyone thinks I am a boy, and if you pronounce it right it rhythms with my middle name. Bryn Tarolyn
2)Being alone. Freaks me the hell out. And if I am surrounded by people and they are all asleep, that still counts as being alone.
3)Fart, then giggle to myself. Have conversations with the people who are in other vehicles and can’t hear me(this way I win all the debates)
4)No I hate game shows. They make me anxious. I can’t stand the tension between players who really want to win, the prize being something equivalent to a weeks worth of work.
5)Yes please. I could plan things so much better if I knew the time limit.
6)The Little Mermaid. Tail, legs, tail, legs, switching back and forth would be awesome! To make the best use of my tail though I would have to get over fear of dark water.
7)Whats worse than finding a worm in your apple? The holocaust.
8)It was a really stupid prank. I asked my mom to help me find something after my husband and I moved, she looked in the box I pointed to and my husband popped out and scared her. The funny part is that she beat my husband with her shoe while he was still in the box. I still have no idea how she got her damn shoe off so fast.
9)Oh I thought this was number 2, whoops. I still fear being alone, I guess also heights. Since I fucked up the question order I say my weakness too. When someone tells me not to do something, even though its harmless and possibly funny. I can’t NOT do it, no matter the consequences.
10)I have seen a lot of funny things, but I really like this http://justflyakite.deviantart.com/gallery/106320?offset=0
Bryn recently posted..TOTALLY Productive(thats a lie)

Noa August 23, 2011 at 3:42 pm

Those comics are fucking hilariously awesome.

Also, your mom may nor may not be my grandmother, who I’ve seen whip off a shoe to beat the shit out of someone so quickly it was an honest-to-criss-angel blur. It’s hilarious and also fucking disturbing each time it happens. Note to Self: Don’t hide in boxes near my grandmother.

StaceyZamo September 1, 2011 at 3:48 pm

I know this post is from months ago but I just found you and wanted to join in!

1) Do you like your name?
Not particularly. Seeing as I would have been Stacey even if I was born a boy I guess I have to be thankful for it. It didn’t help that I had a rhymey last name I was Stacey Giese (pronounced Geesey), I pretty much hated elementary school because of this.

2) What is your worst weakness?
I am needy in my relationship with my husband. It is something that I am constantly working on. I freak out when he walks away from a fight. You have got to love the psychological mess that our parents leave us with.

3) What do you do alone in your car?
I scream at asshole drivers. It is my form of meditation.

4) Do you have a favorite game show?
The Price is Right. Bob Barker was the man and should have been the only host of that show!

5) Would you want to know the exact day of your death?
No. I like surprises.

6) If you could become a character in a TV show or movie, who would you chose to be?
Laura Croft. For one that was back before Angelina Jolie got way to skinny. I would be one hell of a rich bitch and go traveling all over creation!

7) Do you know any jokes? If so, tell me one.
I am miserable at telling jokes. I usually lose people half way through so I spice up the ending with “and I stabbed him.”

8) Which is the most funny prank you’ve seen played?
My coworkers filled another much hated coworkers car up to the windows with shredded paper, confetti, and hole punches. She was so volcanically angry. I don’t think I have ever seen someone that mad ever.

9) What is your biggest fear?
Driving on bridges that go over water. Don’t know why and I don’t have any problem walking over these bridges.

10) What is the funniest thing you’ve seen on the internet?

My husband still quotes this!

StaceyZamo September 1, 2011 at 3:49 pm

Norway September 1, 2011 at 6:03 pm

“and then I stabbed him.” With your permission, I would love to use this line whenever my jokes fall flat.

StaceyZamo September 1, 2011 at 3:51 pm

Apparently I fail at html
http://youtu.be/skCV2L0c6K0

Noa September 4, 2011 at 12:04 am

Oh that was amazing. Also, the phrase, “volcanically angry,” is now in my vocabulary. Thank you!

Justin Time September 16, 2011 at 12:03 pm

1) Do you like your name?
Yes and no. I mean, it’s pretty normal and boring. But also, I’ve NEVEr met a straight Justin. This includes my partner. O.o
2) What is your worst weakness?
Anything that contains the combo of Chocolate and Peanut Butter. For real. I would sell my mother for a Reese’s Peanut Butter Egg
3) What do you do alone in your car?
Well, aside from flip the bird to an obnoxious amount of people, I like to sing. And I listen to a lot of pop, so I also like to sing in a high pitched voice to match the girls.
4) Do you have a favorite game show?
Cash Cab. I would own the shit out of that show. Plus, Ben Bailey is an odd kind of sexy. I have a strong desire to rub his head.
5) Would you want to know the exact day of your death?
I think so? No. yes, I would….ah fuck, no. I wouldn’t. I procrastinate way too much and if someone told me the day I kick it, shit would most definitely NOT get done.
6) If you could become a character in a TV show or movie, who would you chose to be?
Roseanne. ‘Nuff said.
7) Do you know any jokes? If so, tell me one.
I do, my most favorite one. but it’s kinda long so bear with me. You’ll be glad you did:
4 Southern women were sitting on the porch. One of them just got back from a trip to California and she was telling her friends all about it.

The first woman said: “Did y’all know, that in California, there are men who like to suck on other men…”down there”?”

Her friend says: “Oh my! What do they call them?”

She says: “They call them Homosexuals.” “And did y’all know that in California there are women who like to lick on other women…”down there”?”

Her second friend says: “Well I declare! What do you suppose they call them?”

She says: “They call them Lesbians.” “And did y’all know that in California they have men who like to lick on women…”down there”?”

Her last friend says: “Well now, what do you suppose they call them?”

She says: “Well I just don’t know, but honey, after he was done I called him precious!”
8) Which is the most funny prank you’ve seen played?
Sadly, I’m not a prankster. But the leg prank you described was FUCKING EPIC.
9) What is your biggest fear?
Any insect with more than 6 legs. And even some with 6. Spiders? No way in HELL. I don’t care how small or how big, they’re all mortally terrifying. House centipedes? More affectionately known as “Thousand leggers”…FUCK THEM.
10) What is the funniest thing you’ve seen on the internet?
Well aside from this: http://ohnoa.com/2011/05/i-dont-think-youre-a-boring-whore/ (which made me grab my inhaler because I was laughing so goddamn much), This was pretty damn funny: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n2uIyrTOQDA&feature=share

Noa September 17, 2011 at 12:36 am

You just gave me an ego boner to end all ego boners with #10.

Justin Time September 17, 2011 at 1:37 pm

Oh, I’m for real. You’re a funny bitch. :D

Jessica September 22, 2011 at 2:31 pm

I’m behind the times, but I’ll still play
1) Do you like your name?
Kinda, I guess…pretty 80’s generic. My sister and I always would play games, and I would change my name. I think my favorite when I was 8 was Trisha for some reason. Then I met a Trisha, don’t really like that name as much anymore…

2) What is your worst weakness?
It’s a combo deal. Pepsi and Cheetos. So tasty. I could live off that forever.

3) What do you do alone in your car?
Dance, and sing loudly. Sometimes I feel like I’m the hamsters from that Kia Soul commerical, just bouncing my head.

4) Do you have a favorite game show?
Family Feud. I’m pretty sure my family would suck at it, but the idea of trying to guess the most common answers, and screaming embarrassing ones, classic.
Ex: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ScyxtU4iASM

5) Would you want to know the exact day of your death?
No, I’m already creeped out by death enough. I’ll just be cool in the dark about the whole thing.

6) If you could become a character in a TV show or movie, who would you chose to be?
Fiona from Burn Notice is pretty cool. The whole explosives knowledge on the vigilante side is pretty awesome.

7) Do you know any jokes? If so, tell me one.
This guy (we’ll call him Bob) walks into a bar, and he talks with some of the patrons for a little then goes up to the Bartender (Let’s say Bill).
Bob: Can I have a shot glass.
Bill: Sure, what do you want in it?
Bob: Nothing, i just want the shot glass.

Bill looks at him a little weird, but gives him the shot glass anyways. Bob puts the glass at the other end of the bar and goes back to Bill.

Bob: Hey, I bet you $1000 that I can pee in that shot glass, standing here, and not get a drop anywhere else.
Bill: You’re an idiot, but I’ll take that bet.

Bob starts peeing. All over. All over the bar, all over Bill, all over the floor, the people, the walls, everywhere…and not a drop gets in that shot glass. Bill starts laughing hysterically, since he just won $1000. But so is Bob…

Bill: Why are you laughing, you just lost. you didn’t get a SINGLE DROP in that shot glass. That $1000 is mine!
Bob: Sure, you made $1000. But I just bet those guys over there $10,000 that I could pee all over your bar and make you laugh.

8) Which is the most funny prank you’ve seen played?
It wasn’t so much a prank as a comedic sequence of events. We were having a White Elephant gift exchange a few years ago, and someone put a Furby into the gift lot. Well the guy running the show is uber creeped out by them, not that I can blame him. So this girl put the Furby right by his feet, and said “Hey Stew!” and pointed down so he could see it. He freaked a little, kicked it, and it hit another kid square in the face. The kid was fine, still laugh about it now.

9) What is your biggest fear?
Spiders, big, small, brown, daddy-long legs, all creepy…and heights, like the free-falling aspect.

10) What is the funniest thing you’ve seen on the internet?
Honestly, I’ve watched this thing like 80 times since it came out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tRmZ9zH-mYM

Jessica September 22, 2011 at 4:09 pm

How I could have forgotten about this one I have no idea. It’s really the audio that’s prime. http://www.regretsy.com/2011/09/18/weekend-flashback-buttplug/

Noa October 3, 2011 at 6:34 pm

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THE “REALLY LOUD HAMBURGER” ANSWER TO, “A FOOD THAT MAKES A LOT OF NOISE,” IN FEUD?

Go look it up. Now.

Claire June 17, 2013 at 9:57 pm

I’ve been trying to remember that lion joke for years. YEARS! Don’t judge me.

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