Things I Assume Are True About Children

03/30/2011 · 31 comments

in I'm A Terrible Person, Social Services

1. They’re tiny, weak mushbags made of bitch-tears.

Because why else would they need booster seats until 12 years old? Helmets for riding bikes? Knee pads? Fuck that shit. Those are some terribly designed creatures that need such cushioning and protection. How can I expect them to tar my roof when I have to worry about his lily-skinned hands?

2. They rip apart your genitals.

The physics just…just make no sense.
And not just the ladies–once the infants rip themselves bodily from your hoohah (and/or bust out alien-style from your chest. It’s how it works, right?) then they evolve into tiny demons who need mini-vans and dads to drive them, THUS removing the ball-related areas of the human male.

3.  And then rip apart your home.

What in the shit is child-proofing? Who are these entities who are so pansy-assed in the face of violence and hard work, but waste no time in fucking all the shit up around your home to the point where a trip to Lowe’s is necessary to save yourself? There are CONSULTANTS for this kind of shit. You know what they use on violent animals? Tranquilizers and isolation.


4. Caging is necessary for one’s safety.

Not only do you have to prepare your home for their violent outbursts, but you have to kennel that kid at night? I’m sorry, but any animal that I must lock securely in a padded cage at night to keep it from mauling my family and stealing my soul is not an animal I wish to possess.

5. They’re unfit evolved animals.

The level of wuss just has no end with these things. You have to train them in dance, you have to train them to fight, you have to get food for them and prepare it and then they don’t even eat it all and you have to assess and improve their cuddly little feelings until they go and learn from someone else and then RETURN BACK TO THE NEST TO MOOCH.

I ask you, dear Leaguers, tell me what other animal on Earth requires so much to raise, only to return and live off your efforts forever?

6. They’re an absolute conspiracy

Step 1: Teach abstinence-only sex education to entice the young folk to fuck ’til the dawn breaks.
Step 2: The young folk end up pregnant.
Step 3: The monsters are born and thus begin to rip families apart, but the goverment encourages families to continue to raise them and not leave them in a box marked “FREE” in front of the 7-Eleven by offering serious tax-breaks.
Step 4: Government recoups costs of tax-breaks by encouraging children to be hell-fire hooligans and rip families apart.
Step 5: Teach abstinence-only sex education to entice the young folk to fuck ’til the dawn breaks.

My sincere apologies to those readers who are just now learning of this vast and all-consuming conspiracy.

I have seen all the evidence I have recklessly assumed of something I know little to nothing about.

Children are fucking parasites.


hoodyhoo March 30, 2011 at 6:07 am

this is why I don’t have any mini-me’s myself… every time I think I want one, I go to WalMart. Pretty soon, the screaming, drooling monsters remind me of how quiet and clean my house is (excuse me, ma’am, but if you’re not going to beat your child, would you mind if I did?).

Plus I think they put you in jail for only feeding your baby Ritz crackers and Pez.
hoodyhoo recently posted..Carlos Me Pone Triste

Noa March 30, 2011 at 5:16 pm

All I eat is skittles and pickles. I can’t have any kids. Also, I saw a mother lock her child in the freezer of pizzas at Wal-Mart for throwing a tantrum. I sat on the floor and laughed for 10 minutes.

hoodyhoo March 31, 2011 at 6:23 am

OHMAHGAWD, I wish I’d seen that — I totally would have gone up and shook her hand!
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Noa March 31, 2011 at 11:06 am

It was truly a spectacle for the ages.

Lianne Marie Binks March 30, 2011 at 7:21 am

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Noa March 30, 2011 at 5:14 pm


Abby March 30, 2011 at 10:48 am

You could actually substitute “men” for a few of your points above, but I have to agree with you anyway. To top it off, about 20 people I know are pregnant and oversharing every minute they get. They have since been unFriended via Facebook.

Children aside, I think it’s the parents that are more annoying. Why do people keep having kids? Why do they have them and then expect me to like them or put up with them? People are annoying when they’re little and when they’re grown up. I don’t want to have to pay to have an extra one around for 18 years.

Noa March 30, 2011 at 5:14 pm

Have you ever noticed how people who don’t acknowledge that on some level their kids are annoying are waaaayyyy too defensive about children? “TOMMY IS THE LIGHT OF MY LIFE GETOFFTHEDAMNCARTOMMY.”

toni September 30, 2011 at 11:23 am

i know this comment was a long time ago, but this is HYSTERICAL

KatieTheBlogLady March 30, 2011 at 1:44 pm

Although you make some very valid points, there is one positive you may have not considered. The reason why I had a child, and will likely have another, is for no other purpose than to grow them to the ripe ‘ol age of 3 where they can then be easily trained through bribery and threats to relieve me of all my chores. As they continue to grow, so would their chore list. Until one day I’d find my drunken ass laying on the couch watching Jerry Springer while my kids fan me with palm-leaves and throw Bon Bons in my mouth. And, those bitches better not miss either.

Noa March 30, 2011 at 5:13 pm

DAMNIT. Is it wrong to adopt them at 3 and then put them to work? Fuck, that’s human trafficking, isn’t it?

Misty July 6, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Oh my god, that is EXACTLY why I had kids in the first place!! It is working out perfectly as well (except for all that mooching, but I figure I’ll make them go get jobs in a few years and they can just pay me back for all the food and shelter from when they were little).

See, who said this parenting thing is hard? Cake I tell you!
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Noa July 6, 2011 at 4:09 pm

Except there’s no cake for the Kids. None.

Jennifer March 30, 2011 at 1:47 pm

I totally just sent this to my mom and dad. What? You are asking for grandkids? Hinting around buying tiny booties? TAKE THAT.

Noa March 30, 2011 at 5:13 pm

I’m so glad that I’ve deftly dashed their hopes and dreams for you. It’s the little things that count.

K-Dawg March 30, 2011 at 9:03 pm


Noa March 31, 2011 at 12:14 am

I’m so glad!

Adrian March 30, 2011 at 10:18 pm

Hey, we clothe them and we shelter them, adopting at three and putting them to work is an obligatory reimbursement for the conveniences we provide them. I say we adopt asian kids though, that way they can do our taxes by 8!

elizabeth- flourish in progress March 30, 2011 at 11:18 pm

holy shit….noa, did you tell adrian that we make Cal do our taxes to earn her keep around here. adopting asian kids is the way to go….you can rent mine for a week late march/early april if you’re falling behind on tax prep. she knows all the deduction loopholes now.
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Noa March 31, 2011 at 12:12 am


Noa March 31, 2011 at 12:13 am

DAMNIT ADRIAN. I’m already on a CIA watchlist about Goddamn North Korea, and now you gotta start talkin’ about our asian kid plan? FUCK.

elizabeth- flourish in progress March 30, 2011 at 11:19 pm

I endured….excuse me, I endure all this because I need someone to pay for my nursing home when I get older. And not those shitty nursing homes either. I want one of those fancy ones, which is why I make Cal study so hard..not for her benefit, but for my comfort in my old age.
elizabeth- flourish in progress recently posted..Monday Dare- i think that stripper really likes me

Noa March 31, 2011 at 12:12 am

You and Katie the Blog Lady have got this child-raising crap figured out.

Jes March 30, 2011 at 11:48 pm

Babies are loud, sticky, and they smell bad… Why the fuck would I ever want to have one? I already have a dog that tries my patience, WTF would I ever do with a kid?

Noa March 31, 2011 at 12:12 am

Right? Fuck babies.

Rebecca March 31, 2011 at 8:16 am

But you forget all that when they look up at you with those adorable little eyes full of love…oh wait. That’s my cats. My bad.

Noa March 31, 2011 at 11:05 am

I can see how you might confuse the two.

Bloggertobenamedlater March 31, 2011 at 4:55 pm

I see you’ve met my nephew.
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Noa April 1, 2011 at 11:44 am

Potentially. I’ve taught so many kids in my life. It very well could be him that I once said, “If you don’t learn the rules and decide to be respectful, you’ll be in a world of hurt.”

Reason #157 I shouldn’t have kids.

Jennifer July 2, 2011 at 11:10 pm

Yes, they are all those horrid truths and then some. For example, my three year old responded to my (repeated) demands to finish her lunch, by saying so the waiter could hear, “I will cut you.” The waiter was more shocked to hear my response, “Can you do it quickly, like now.” Obviously, mom of the year here.

Noa July 3, 2011 at 10:05 pm

BAHAHAHHAHAHA. You have the most awesome kid in the entire world. You are doing parenting right.

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