1. They’re tiny, weak mushbags made of bitch-tears.
Because why else would they need booster seats until 12 years old? Helmets for riding bikes? Knee pads? Fuck that shit. Those are some terribly designed creatures that need such cushioning and protection. How can I expect them to tar my roof when I have to worry about his lily-skinned hands?
2. They rip apart your genitals.
The physics just…just make no sense.
And not just the ladies–once the infants rip themselves bodily from your hoohah (and/or bust out alien-style from your chest. It’s how it works, right?) then they evolve into tiny demons who need mini-vans and dads to drive them, THUS removing the ball-related areas of the human male.
3. And then rip apart your home.
What in the shit is child-proofing? Who are these entities who are so pansy-assed in the face of violence and hard work, but waste no time in fucking all the shit up around your home to the point where a trip to Lowe’s is necessary to save yourself? There are CONSULTANTS for this kind of shit. You know what they use on violent animals? Tranquilizers and isolation.
OH MY GOD IT’S VIDEO GAMES.
4. Caging is necessary for one’s safety.
Not only do you have to prepare your home for their violent outbursts, but you have to kennel that kid at night? I’m sorry, but any animal that I must lock securely in a padded cage at night to keep it from mauling my family and stealing my soul is not an animal I wish to possess.
5. They’re unfit evolved animals.
The level of wuss just has no end with these things. You have to train them in dance, you have to train them to fight, you have to get food for them and prepare it and then they don’t even eat it all and you have to assess and improve their cuddly little feelings until they go and learn from someone else and then RETURN BACK TO THE NEST TO MOOCH.
I ask you, dear Leaguers, tell me what other animal on Earth requires so much to raise, only to return and live off your efforts forever?
6. They’re an absolute conspiracy
Step 1: Teach abstinence-only sex education to entice the young folk to fuck ’til the dawn breaks.
Step 2: The young folk end up pregnant.
Step 3: The monsters are born and thus begin to rip families apart, but the goverment encourages families to continue to raise them and not leave them in a box marked “FREE” in front of the 7-Eleven by offering serious tax-breaks.
Step 4: Government recoups costs of tax-breaks by encouraging children to be hell-fire hooligans and rip families apart.
Step 5: Teach abstinence-only sex education to entice the young folk to fuck ’til the dawn breaks.
My sincere apologies to those readers who are just now learning of this vast and all-consuming conspiracy.
I have seen all the evidence I have recklessly assumed of something I know little to nothing about.
Children are fucking parasites.