The Original Title Was, “I Have Difficulty Staying Upright,” But That Made Me Sound Like A Whore.

03/14/2011 · 62 comments

in Adrian,Grace,How Did My Life Come To This,My Family Is Strikingly Odd.

Adrian and I went to lunch yesterday with his parents at the Gaylord Texan, which is a resort hotel here in Dallas with a reproduction of several Texas monuments. In these Texas monuments, there happens to be a lot of uneven ground. Add that with flip-flops, social anxiety, and a mariachi band, and I am fucked all to hell.

I tripped about 183 times. I have fucking whore knee bruises from falling on the stairs on the “Riverwalk” and then, to protect myself, subsequently having to scale the steps like I was a handicapped stork climbing Goddamn Everest. Don’t mind me, everyday conveniences are a fucking nightmare for this bitch. Go on without me, Adrian, I’ll meet you at the fountain when I drag myself from this sandstone hell.

There’s nothing that makes me laugh harder than watching people fall down, which led to my direct consequence of having little to no coordination whatsoever.

The Process of Falling

  1. The Catch: You’ve caught yourself up in one way or another, but you don’t quite yet realize you are falling.
  2. The Newton: Lasts only a short while. The time in which gravity kicks in, and you’re totally fucked. Your face changes into a mask of absolute horror as you realize that you are, in fact, going to the ground. This is also where your mind rationalizes what’s happening to you.
  3. The Hail Mary: It’s decision making time. Here is where you make the choice to attempt to save yourself or find the shortest and least painful path to the ground.
  4. The Aftermath: If you Hail Mary-ed a save and actually managed to save yourself, you look like a fucking boss. However, that only happens maybe 1/1000 times, so chances are you went to the ground in the loudest, most obvious manner possible. If you chose the easy-out, you’re repairing a hole in your diaphragm.

My most spectacular fall yesterday was, thankfully, when no one I knew was standing nearby. Adrian was in the bathroom, his parents hadn’t arrived, and I thought I might wander around a bit. I stepped out onto a faux train-bridge, and got my cheap Target flip-flop hung up on a floorboard: The Catch. When The Newton kicked in, I immediately thought, “I GOT MY SHOE STUCK IN THE PLANKS MY FOOT IS GOING TO BREAK OH GOD,” before realizing the bridge was fake–while I wasn’t going to break my foot, I was going to make a shitload of noise on the way down.

Sure enough, I tried to Hail Mary Save through this particular fall, and ended up taking giant gazelle-stride elephant-stomps across the planks. In retrospect, I could have, at this point, just done a diving front roll and walked away like a boss. My more unfortunate choice for The Aftermath was just to loudly say, “OH NO,” and toss my iPhone a couple of feet while my shoulder made contact with the Spanish Mission elevator, and I slid to the floor.

I don’t know what made Adrian take so long in the bathroom today, but I’m so grateful for it. When he returned, I was peacefully posed on a decorative outcropping, as though I hadn’t tap danced like a lunatic across the room.

While I’m a spectacle when I fall, there’s nothing compared to the wounded, leaping alpaca system of falling that Grace has made for herself.

Some Notable Grace Falls:

  1. The Catch: Grace has gotten her heel caught in the cuff of her pants on the opposite leg.
  2. The Newton: Grace immediately thinks, “I HAVE BEEN ROPED.”
  3. The Hail Mary: Easy-out option attempt to just kneel.
  4. The Aftermath: Grace tosses everything in her hands into the air like an 80’s high-school movie montage and slam to the floor, tits first.

  1. The Catch: Grace has awoken in the middle of the night to stop her cat from mauling the toy she has at 3 AM. She gets caught in the comforter.
  2. The Newton: Grace immediately thinks, “I HAVE BEEN ROPED.”
  3. The Hail Mary: Easy-out option attempt to just kneel.
  4. The Aftermath: In the darkness, Grace has seriously underestimated the distance from her to the dresser. As she dives to her knees, she slams her head and chest into the dresser, creating a very loud bang and a rather pitiful sounding, “OOOOFFFFAA,” from the air rushing out of her lungs. She bruises and skins her forehead. Grace is 27 at the time.

  1. The Catch: Grace has underestimated the number of stairs on this particular staircase.
  2. The Newton: Grace immediately thinks, “I HAVE BEEN ROPED.”
  3. The Hail Mary: Easy-out option attempt to just kneel.
  4. The Aftermath: Grace is a good 4 feet from the ground, so mid knee-dive, she rethinks her plan, and instead ends up lunging like an Olympic sprinter for about 30 yards attempting to regain her balance.

One day, Grace will probably be really roped and end up falling from it, and on that day, she will be vindicated in her thoughts. Until that day arrives, I will thoroughly enjoy watching her fall, and then usually falling directly afterward.

What’s the best fall you’ve ever taken?

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