The Original Title Was, “I Have Difficulty Staying Upright,” But That Made Me Sound Like A Whore.

03/14/2011 · 62 comments

in Adrian, Grace, How Did My Life Come To This, My Family Is Strikingly Odd.

Adrian and I went to lunch yesterday with his parents at the Gaylord Texan, which is a resort hotel here in Dallas with a reproduction of several Texas monuments. In these Texas monuments, there happens to be a lot of uneven ground. Add that with flip-flops, social anxiety, and a mariachi band, and I am fucked all to hell.

I tripped about 183 times. I have fucking whore knee bruises from falling on the stairs on the “Riverwalk” and then, to protect myself, subsequently having to scale the steps like I was a handicapped stork climbing Goddamn Everest. Don’t mind me, everyday conveniences are a fucking nightmare for this bitch. Go on without me, Adrian, I’ll meet you at the fountain when I drag myself from this sandstone hell.

There’s nothing that makes me laugh harder than watching people fall down, which led to my direct consequence of having little to no coordination whatsoever.

The Process of Falling

  1. The Catch: You’ve caught yourself up in one way or another, but you don’t quite yet realize you are falling.
  2. The Newton: Lasts only a short while. The time in which gravity kicks in, and you’re totally fucked. Your face changes into a mask of absolute horror as you realize that you are, in fact, going to the ground. This is also where your mind rationalizes what’s happening to you.
  3. The Hail Mary: It’s decision making time. Here is where you make the choice to attempt to save yourself or find the shortest and least painful path to the ground.
  4. The Aftermath: If you Hail Mary-ed a save and actually managed to save yourself, you look like a fucking boss. However, that only happens maybe 1/1000 times, so chances are you went to the ground in the loudest, most obvious manner possible. If you chose the easy-out, you’re repairing a hole in your diaphragm.

My most spectacular fall yesterday was, thankfully, when no one I knew was standing nearby. Adrian was in the bathroom, his parents hadn’t arrived, and I thought I might wander around a bit. I stepped out onto a faux train-bridge, and got my cheap Target flip-flop hung up on a floorboard: The Catch. When The Newton kicked in, I immediately thought, “I GOT MY SHOE STUCK IN THE PLANKS MY FOOT IS GOING TO BREAK OH GOD,” before realizing the bridge was fake–while I wasn’t going to break my foot, I was going to make a shitload of noise on the way down.

Sure enough, I tried to Hail Mary Save through this particular fall, and ended up taking giant gazelle-stride elephant-stomps across the planks. In retrospect, I could have, at this point, just done a diving front roll and walked away like a boss. My more unfortunate choice for The Aftermath was just to loudly say, “OH NO,” and toss my iPhone a couple of feet while my shoulder made contact with the Spanish Mission elevator, and I slid to the floor.

I don’t know what made Adrian take so long in the bathroom today, but I’m so grateful for it. When he returned, I was peacefully posed on a decorative outcropping, as though I hadn’t tap danced like a lunatic across the room.

While I’m a spectacle when I fall, there’s nothing compared to the wounded, leaping alpaca system of falling that Grace has made for herself.

Some Notable Grace Falls:

  1. The Catch: Grace has gotten her heel caught in the cuff of her pants on the opposite leg.
  2. The Newton: Grace immediately thinks, “I HAVE BEEN ROPED.”
  3. The Hail Mary: Easy-out option attempt to just kneel.
  4. The Aftermath: Grace tosses everything in her hands into the air like an 80’s high-school movie montage and slam to the floor, tits first.

  1. The Catch: Grace has awoken in the middle of the night to stop her cat from mauling the toy she has at 3 AM. She gets caught in the comforter.
  2. The Newton: Grace immediately thinks, “I HAVE BEEN ROPED.”
  3. The Hail Mary: Easy-out option attempt to just kneel.
  4. The Aftermath: In the darkness, Grace has seriously underestimated the distance from her to the dresser. As she dives to her knees, she slams her head and chest into the dresser, creating a very loud bang and a rather pitiful sounding, “OOOOFFFFAA,” from the air rushing out of her lungs. She bruises and skins her forehead. Grace is 27 at the time.

  1. The Catch: Grace has underestimated the number of stairs on this particular staircase.
  2. The Newton: Grace immediately thinks, “I HAVE BEEN ROPED.”
  3. The Hail Mary: Easy-out option attempt to just kneel.
  4. The Aftermath: Grace is a good 4 feet from the ground, so mid knee-dive, she rethinks her plan, and instead ends up lunging like an Olympic sprinter for about 30 yards attempting to regain her balance.

One day, Grace will probably be really roped and end up falling from it, and on that day, she will be vindicated in her thoughts. Until that day arrives, I will thoroughly enjoy watching her fall, and then usually falling directly afterward.

What’s the best fall you’ve ever taken?

hoodyhoo March 14, 2011 at 6:24 am

I am probably the only adult person in the world who does not have children, who still needs her house to be childproofed. I’m talking the whole 9 — gates in front of any and all steps, foam rubber cushions on any protruding corners, everything. I fall over so often I have developed the “Oh, look, it’s the Queen, wait, no it’s not” cover for it — you stagger a little and act like you were going to kneel but then thought better of it.
hoodyhoo recently posted..She Has RISEN!

Noa March 14, 2011 at 3:00 pm

HAHAHAHAHA. I’m going to curtsy here OH NO FOOLED YOU. I love that. So hard I love that. Welcome back, Hoody-I missed your hilarious comments.

Dear Sweet Mama March 14, 2011 at 10:35 am

A month ago I fell down the 6 basement stairs – had gone up to get my first beer of the night and fell coming back down – one of those whose feet are those that just passed through my line of sight? Not sure how I didn’t break my neck, back or ass, but the purpley green color is finally fading. Nothing tops the time my sister fell at the top of the stairs in one of the Disney hotels and rolled all the way down. Disney creatures appeared from everywhere to hide her moaning self lying at the foot of the stairs while I screamed “DO NOT MOVE HER!!” They didn’t even give us a free pass to It’s a Small World or nothing.

Noa March 14, 2011 at 2:59 pm

Wow-I’m going to Disneyworld in November and now I’m genuinely afraid of killing myself while I’m there.

hoodyhoo March 15, 2011 at 6:06 am

it’s okay — they did give Dear Sweet Auntie a wheelchair, which means YOUR ENTIRE PARTY gets to skip to the front of the line… and even though DSA doesn’t ride rides, we took advantage of that anyway. The weird part is, this was BEFORE DSM and I had taught DSA to drink!
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Noa March 15, 2011 at 4:20 pm

I like your exploitation of the handicapped. It shows resilience and critical survival skills.

Joie March 14, 2011 at 10:53 am

I too, am a faller. I trip over even floor. Not kidding – it happens at LEAST once a day. At work. Where there are a lot of people around. Walk walk walk…crap! walk walk walk.

Not too long ago on a walk in a forest on our coast, I went up a little hill to have my photo taken of me being cute and hugging a tree. I got up to come back down to the path and instead it turned into a slide down beauty bark. I literally had slivers in my ass. My socks, hair, back…everything…was covered in slivers and bark. I had my friend take a photo of my backside so she could always remember the time I fell and she just laughed.

UGH!

Noa March 14, 2011 at 2:58 pm

That is both incredibly painful to imagine and incredibly hilarious to read. Thank you for sharing!

Abby March 14, 2011 at 11:05 am

Hoodyhoo can take solace in the fact that I am an adult with no kids (for that we’re all grateful) and have to childproof my house as well–although to no avail. Flip flops are a sure ticket to hell and I actually fall going up stairs at times.

I wish I had some sort of air bag system going on in the tits department for when I fell, but I’m flat as a pancake, so that options out. Perhaps a boob job could be covered as a preventative health measure?

Noa March 14, 2011 at 2:57 pm

Hey hey–could also be a tax break! You get deductions for security measures AND medical procedures. Now you’re thinkin’

elizabeth- flourish in progress March 14, 2011 at 12:07 pm

Thank you for this shitload of funny on a Monday morning. You are a saint.

A couple of years ago, I was at a Nordstrom Rack and as I was walking around, I noticed that the laces of my sneakers had become untied. Instead of just bending down to tie them, because I am a lazy motherfucker, I decided to prop my foot up against a clothes rack so I wouldn’t have to bend down very much. Unfortuntately, this was the clothes rack that had the tethering security devices so that no one would steal any of the leather jackets on the rack. My shoe got caught in one of the rope-y tethering devices, and I fell backwards onto another rack of clothing, knocking most of it to the floor. I’m a fucking champion.
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Noa March 14, 2011 at 2:57 pm

I can picture you doing this, and I cannot stop giggling. How did we not fall down in downtown that night?

kaye March 14, 2011 at 12:56 pm

This happened the other day actually lol…I wasn’t watching where I was going and was walking downstairs and somehow fell on my back and my phone threw five feet in the air…there was someone in front of me and ill never forget the look he gave me lol I just wanted to die.
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Noa March 14, 2011 at 2:56 pm

That’s the best part of the aftermath–when someone saw you fall like an asshole.

Grace March 14, 2011 at 3:16 pm

I’ve been roped!!! I fell chasing a goat kid Friday, but this time when I though “I’ve been roped” it was at least legit, one of the other guys was roping goats for me to medicate and I thought, maybe, he missed. I was still wrong, even in this instance where it COULD HAVE HAPPENED. I am just a dumbass that falls all the damn time. I’ll text you the pics of my ass bruises later, that seems like it should stay between you and me and not in the comments section of your blog.

Noa March 14, 2011 at 3:32 pm

I think the rest of the people who read my blog appreciate you keeping the pictures of your ass bruises between you and me. Just sayin’. Also, you are named very appropriately.

Jenn May 25, 2011 at 9:36 am

That reminds me of every time I fell as a kid, teenager, or adult; if my mom was around, she’d tell me she should have named me Grace. Clearly, she lacked the foresight of your mom.

KatieTheBlogLady March 14, 2011 at 3:31 pm

I was seriously traumatized by a fall I took back in high school. Long story short, I skipped school, went home and “borrowed” a pair of my mom’s white designer jeans, grabbed a latte and returned to school for my favorite class (Jazzercise – YES!). As I approached the locker room, the bell began to ring which meant the doors would soon close and lock shut thus preventing me from changing into my g-string leotard and high-top Reeboks. I quickly ran and wedged one foot in the door for a remarkable save. Unfortunately, my other foot began to slip out from under me causing my arms to flail violently through the air in an attempt to regain balance. Not surprisingly, I ended up flat on my ass covered in latte. When I finally had the courage to look up, the doors were closed and a bunch of fools were standing around laughing and pointing at me. Fuckers. It took years to overcome my PTSD.

Noa March 14, 2011 at 3:49 pm

You and Grace share 80’s high-school montage fall skills, and for that, my dear, I am truly grateful.

Amanda March 14, 2011 at 8:51 pm

I was taking the garbage out to the trash can and missed a step or forgot a step and tried to save myself from the fall. There are three steps from my front door to the ground. Only three! I landed on my face with a huge thud and I was sure that my husband or sons who worshipped the ground I walked on would hear and come to check on me. They didn’t. They didn’t even stop watching television when it took me a good five minutes to come back in after taking out the trash.

The worst part, I’ve done this twice now.
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Noa March 14, 2011 at 9:44 pm

Those bastards, not coming out to save you. Twice. How COULD they? It’s like they WANT you to fall.

Jes March 14, 2011 at 11:28 pm

I want you to know that I laughed so hard while reading this that I woke up my husband. My worst fall was when I was walking my two dogs with my mom and I got tangled up in their leashes and fell off of the curb into the street in front of my mom and our brand new neighbors. I scraped both hands, knees, elbows, and my chin. It was awesome. :)

Noa March 15, 2011 at 4:21 pm

Glad you liked it! Chin scrapes are the absolute best of the best–nothing says, “hey, I fell in the worst way humanly possible,” like a chin scrape.

Jordan March 16, 2011 at 1:15 am

I hardly ever fall with the exception of walking up stairs. I trip almost every time I walk up stairs and somehow manage to rocket all the way up to the top of the stairs. I guess thats okay though because it ends up saving me time.
Jordan recently posted..Bible Translations For Jesus Children

Noa March 16, 2011 at 6:54 pm

Hey, yeah–if you’re falling but advancing upon your goal, then at least it’s a useful fall! And now I’ll be thinking about that all day.

emmysuh May 19, 2011 at 11:28 am

Everyday is an experiment in awkward falling with me but an all time favourite was when my high school best friend took me on spring break with her and her family to Rich People Resort in Florida. (This makes me sound like a Rescue Dog you take pity on but it is more or less true.) Whilst there, I was like YAY OCEAN and started jogging down to the beach. Got my good caught IN SAND(?!?!) a few feet from the water, and basically tried to keep running as I fell, ended up falling on my face and rolling Ito the water and almost drowning in 2 inches of water. I floundered for a bit an stood up to find my boon had popped out of my swimsuit. YOU ARE WELCOME, RICH PEOPLE.

Noa May 19, 2011 at 4:14 pm

Losing my ass laughing at this. Thank you so much for sharing.

Courtney May 28, 2011 at 3:24 am

I just laughed so hard I started crying and my stomach started seriously hurting. I’m sure my hysteria was not helped by the fact that I had an early morning and it is now 1 a.m. Not to take away from your hilariousness, though.

Next time I fall, knock on wood it’s far enough away that I forget to do this, I hope I’m quick thinking enough that during The Newton I’m able to shout out “I HAVE BEEN ROPED!” I’m totally sure that the pain of the fall will be masked by the pure hilarity coursing through my veins.

Noa May 30, 2011 at 12:19 am

I’m so glad that my assy-ness and Graces also assy-ness can brighten your day and hopefully, make future injuries for you more entertaining.

Norway June 11, 2011 at 9:57 pm

It’s probably horrible blogging manners to be three months late to the comments, but I have a good excuse; I just found your blog and am reading the entire thing backwards. I thought I had reached the point where I wasn’t allowing myself to comment anymore, because the posts were so old, but I can’t help it. This is too perfect.
I’ve said it before, I totally don’t understand falling. It’s confusing and I don’t get what happens between the point where you are roped and the point where the ground brutally murders your face. I nearly died of laughter/enlightenment while having it explained to me by all you experts on the subject. Your explanation was perfect.
Now that I’ve said that, I promise to stop commenting as I read my way back, lest I come off creepy and irritating. Unless I see something impossibly perfect, in which case all bets are off.

Noa June 12, 2011 at 8:24 pm

Keep on keepin’ on, Norway, because I love that you’re commenting on old posts. That shows some hardcore dedication to funny.

SaraEllenAwesome June 20, 2011 at 2:28 pm

I read this, then I laughed till I cried and got shushed at work. Thank you. I have also gotten my heel stuck in my pant leg, however it was on stairs..going down and I thought I was going to die right there between the 4th and 5th floors. Thankfully, I was only ridiculed, although I’m not sure of the difference at this point.

Noa June 20, 2011 at 5:35 pm

I am glad that I could get you in trouble at work with my jackassery! (Also, thanks for the comment). There’s nothing quite as bad as being on stairs and tripping, because that’s as close to death as you’ll ever feel while healthy. Scary times.

Beccah June 30, 2011 at 4:36 pm

I too am working my way backwards through your blog, and I couldn’t resist responding to this. I can trip over air – so I seriously relate to these stories!
The best one was not even my trip – late one night I went outside to smoke (back when I still smoked) and saw someone up the street. It kind of looked like an old woman in a bathrobe and curlers and she was shuffling down the street towards my house, dragging one foot. I start thinking, “Hey it looks like someone out of a zombie movie…wouldn’t that be hilarious if this was someone practising to try out for a zombie movie? How fast could I make it inside if it were a REAL zombie??” So I stand there amusing myself and giggling, and keep watching this woman shuffle/lurch towards me. Then she gets close enough to be in ear-shot. It was my next door neighbor…she fell chasing her dog that got loose, and layed in the street until she could manage to get up. I didn’t see her fall because a car was parked in the way – I just watched the aftermath. I felt bad for her, but honestly I still giggle when I think about this!

Noa July 1, 2011 at 3:59 pm

Glad you enjoyed this!

To be fair, zombies have movement based vision, so you were just preserving your brains, and for that, I applaud you.

Emma July 4, 2011 at 3:21 am

Ditto for reading your blog backwards and finding myself compelled to add a graceless anecdote. As a point of reference, I can (and do) trip on my own two feet constantly and have done so to the point where I routinely keep one hand on a stair rail to avoid an untimely and embarrassing end. Also, I’m well padded (to put it gently) so every time I fall you get the added bonus of Fat Girl Falling! flailing/momentum. Anyway, my best/worst trip was when I was a sophomore in High School. My school had this tradition that the entire sophomore class (approximately 500 people) would be sent to have a luau at a knock-off sea world. I’m in one of the last busses to arrive AND one of the last people to get off the bus and, yup, I trip while going down the stairs. Instead of even attempting to save myself, I tuck my head down and do a forward roll down three steps and onto the gravel parking lot. I get up completely unhurt and to the general applause of the majority of my classmates.

It almost makes up for the fact that I face-planted into a hibiscus bush later that evening.

Noa July 4, 2011 at 2:51 pm

I am in awe of your excellent fall skills, for if I had been in a similar situation, I would have broken either my sternum or my neck whilst drawing an unnatural amount of attention to myself.

Bravo, Emma. Bravo.

Norway July 10, 2011 at 1:08 am

Ma’am, I must applaud, for I’m totally impressed by your ninja roll. Teach me?

Noa July 10, 2011 at 10:57 pm

ME FIRST, DAMNIT.

Norway July 16, 2011 at 4:13 pm

Emma, do you take bribes?

Melanie July 11, 2011 at 7:21 am

I’d like to join the late-commenters’ club please.

Possibly one of my best (of many) falls happened when I was 18 or 19. I was hanging out with some new friends, one of whom I (naturally) had a crush on. We had just come out of a movie and were approaching the parking lot, which was separated from the sidewalk by a chain hung at about shin-level. In my flirting awesomeness, I somehow misjudged the height of the chain and caught it with the toe of my shoe. I engaged the flail-kick-second-step-attempt, but succeeded in doing little more than sending my shoulders up over my ears and straight-arming into a heap on the ground.

Casualties included epic road rash on my palms, jeans and knees ripped to shreds, and seething hatred for my crush, who was laughing too hard to help me up.
Melanie recently posted..Huh.

Jennifer C. July 15, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Holy crap. I’m sitting in my office, silent-laughing (I assure you it’s possible) my way through your blog only to learn in this one that you’re from Dallas? Which is where I live! Hot damn, Texans rock. It’s like, now that I know live in Texas, your blog became even funnier.

Noa July 15, 2011 at 2:24 pm

I love that my location makes me a funnier person. It’s like an extra +5, and it fills me with joy. Did you also know The Bloggess lives in Texas? And that Liz from Flourish in Progress lived in Texas for a good portion of her life? That Kristine from Wait In The Van now lives in Ft. Worth? Texans are The SHIT.

Norway July 16, 2011 at 4:15 pm

I feel like a loser for living in Minnesota and assuming most Texans are rednecky and go around roping things and saying y’all all day. Sorry y’all.

Noa September 5, 2011 at 11:26 pm

We do, though.

Bethany September 4, 2011 at 2:22 pm

Okay, confession time. My boyfriend is out of town this weekend and I have been bored as fuck. I could clean the house or prepare a welcome-home dinner for him, but I’d rather just sit on my ass all day and read your blog, which I discovered yesterday. (You probably have one of those things that tells you who looks at your blog, and for how long, and have noticed that someone from Utah as been reading it for probably 15 hours)
Anyways, I don’t have a falling/tripping story, but I can tell you that I haven’t laughed this hard in months. I have tears streaming down my face and my nostrils are flared unflatteringly as a bare my buck teeth and my shoulders silently shake. Yes, I am a silent laugher.
So thanks for inadvertently keeping my company all weekend. My goddamn cat is too proud.

Noa September 5, 2011 at 11:26 pm

This comment just made me so ridiculously happy. I’m glad I can entertain you so well–I like to think of myself as a hooker for comedy. ME LOVE YOU LONG TIME.

Michael September 11, 2011 at 10:31 pm

Oh yeah? Welp, I’ll tell ya, the whole process took place for me at DFW. I had just landed, and had gotten on the human conveyors that they have there, and of course, I was drunk. First time I ever saw a ‘walking’ sidewalk. I jumped on, and was immediately top heavy due to all the shit I was carrying, plus all that Beefeater that was in me just completely fucked my equilibrium. Like a felled oak, I fell flat ass back ward, on my back, and the air that expelled out of my lungs made a huuuuuuuuugh! type noise. The pisser? Nuns on the fucking trams going by, looking at my ass, cuz I sure’s hell could not get up. I felt the heat in my face trying to catch my breath, while these stoic, tram riding penguins looked at me with pity, although I know they could have given two shits less, and were laughing at me when they got out of ear shot. I rode it out, on my ass, till the very end..

Noa October 3, 2011 at 6:37 pm

The nuns is just the cherry on top. Now I want a nun fall. Jealous.

Myth September 18, 2011 at 10:15 pm

My best friend (really more of a sister to me, considering we’ve been friends longer than we’ve known how to walk) is similarly clumsy. By age fourteen she stood at a mind-boggling six-foot-six, and is several inches taller by now (we are seventeen). Naturally, her impressive height has resulted in numerous (totally hilarious) falls. My favorite was roughly two years ago; my mother and I took her to dinner because I hadn’t had time to spend with her in a while. As we were leaving, walking across the parking lot to our car, she tripped over literally nothing—not her shoelaces, not a rock, but literally just thin air. Being that she was in shorts at the time, she tried very hard to regain her balance in order to avoid a skinned knee; mostly this meant she staggered around wildly for several seconds before finally toppling to her knees (she managed to catch herself with her hands, enough to spare her a mouthful of gravel if nothing else). A small family with two kids were walking by at the time, and we heard the father ask his wife, “Do they serve alcohol in here or something?”

My mother never let her live that one down.

(Incidentally, I have had a few falls myself, but mine are rarely comical. I seem to only fall when I’m likely to seriously injure myself, usually down stairs, off ledges, and so on. Many of my falls have led to hospital visits.)

Noa October 3, 2011 at 6:36 pm

Mine are so much less funny than my sister’s. She makes ridiculous choices and ends up being a fucking sideshow. I love it all.

Bren October 12, 2011 at 5:43 pm

Count me in on the Late Commentor Club…
Best fall ever:
Feb 2009 – I stepped off the side of a car trailer – with my arm in a sling from having had shoulder surgery 3 days prior. I tucked and rolled as best I could but you know what? With a sling on, the tuck is already started for you vis-a-vis the arm pinned against your ribcage and that automatically puts you landing on the shoulder that had surgery. And there aren’t enough drugs in the world to soothe that boo boo, I assure you.

Why had I had shoulder surgery, you ask?

Because 6 months earlier I had fallen at the top of the stairs while hurrying to the orientation at my kids’ middle school and worrying about being late due to an appointment for an MRI on my injured shoulder. I was holding all my stuff in the non-injured arm so naturally the one I jutted out to save myself with was the one that was already a bit jacked up. The next x-ray showed a chip floating in the joint space that hadn’t been their earlier that day. Nice, huh?

In my defense, the stairs had oddly-elongated @#(*!@&)$ treads – you know the ones that are about 22″ from front to back that no human can navigate without either stretching their stride into near-splits or doing the double-tap steps on each tread and yet the riser is only about 4.625″ tall – that have since been demolished and a ramp put in and the sun was in my eyes. And my foot was not lifting quite high enough to clear that last stair…

Why would my foot not lift up high enough to clear a relatively short height, you ask?

Because several years earlier I had been mopping the kitchen floor after putting the kids to bed (a 3yr old + a pair of toddler twins) and had inadvertently and quite unexpectedly, I might add, done a slippy-slidey “oh hell” split when I stepped on a slippery spot. Turns out, I tore the labrum (gasket type tissue) inside my hip which contributes to your leg and foot motions not quite being up to the same level of performance they had pre-tear. It also turns out that you can live with a tear for a long time before it has to be dealt with but there can be negative consequences – like shoulder problems, especially if you’re gravity-gifted.

Noa October 15, 2011 at 1:41 pm

Holy…Holy shit. There aren’t enough words to describe how much I loved this comment and imagining you taking all those sweet dives. Well done, Bren. Well done.

Bren October 12, 2011 at 7:07 pm

And, truly, I’m sorry about all the ellipses. I must think they create some form of dramatic pause. Or something.

Noa October 15, 2011 at 1:41 pm

Normally, a pet peeve of mine, but this comment found a necessity for each and every one of those ellipses.

Bill G. December 5, 2011 at 8:06 pm

Best fall: my 4 year old daughter loves to go fishing with me, so it’s a frequent daddy-daughter date after work to go do that. She’s in charge of the worms. Bugs, worms, and dirt do not bother her, she insists on picking out which worm I get and handing it to me to bait the hook. I picked this river because it is only about a foot deep until you get about 10 feet away from shore and it flows so slowly that it’s more like a lake than a river. Call me over-protective, but I’m trying to be reasonably safe about this whole thing.

A fine sunny day about 4 months ago, the fishing pole was in the holder, the baited hook was in the water, nothing to do but pop a cold coke and wait for the fishing pole to start bouncing, which indicates I’ve got a fish on. While standing on the bank enjoying the day, the part of the bank under my right foot gives way. I feel myself falling head-long into the river. So with my weight only on my left foot while my right hangs over the river, I bend my left knee to rock my weight back toward the shore, then push as hard as I can to get away from the bank. Then my left foot goes out from under me and I crash flat on my back with both feet hanging into the river. I look over at my daughter, who is 5 feet away and her face is frozen in shock. She starts laughing after I do.

I gotta tell you, time-compression is real. My whole crash was over in a quarter second or less, but I had time to think about everything all the way down. It’s amazing how fast the brain works when it gets hit with a shot of adrenaline.

Noa December 19, 2011 at 12:52 am

There’s nothing quite like having that conversation with yourself on the way towards the ground. “OH GOD I’M GOING DOWN WHY IS THIS TAKING SO LONG MOTHER FUCKER.”

It makes me think that getting stabbed would be just awful.

Ashley Z December 12, 2011 at 11:46 am

Well, one time I took my phone back to the cell store, cause I broke it, because I fell, because I’m super fucking clumsy. So my witty remark to the sales person after he asks me how I broke the phone (I fell down), then said, “they don’t call me Grace for nothin’!!” cause you know…I’m not graceful. at all. He just stared at the computer screen and said “I don’t see a Grace on the account.” Really dude?! Come on, cut me some slack, and laugh at my attempt to be somewhat quarky. No such luck.

Noa December 19, 2011 at 12:53 am

AT&T: We hire geniuses.

I used to work there. We’re legally not allowed to joke with anyone. Ever.

Andrea June 8, 2012 at 7:01 am

Funny
• clotheslined by my bag. It got hooked on the handle of the front door of my high school. I had quite the audience – lots of post-lunch traffic.
• banana peel effect: sometimes I step on the end of the carpeted stairs in just the right way that my foot flies out from under me like it’s wearing a rocket-propelled rollerskate. Momentum causes me to slide down the rest of the stairs on my back. My younger brother was next to the landing zone using the computer and I don’t think he even looked up from the guitar tab.

Dangerous
• Skiing, age 9. Attempted to follow friend along a narrow, high sidetrail. Hit head on fence pole. Epic yardsale wipeout. Mom freaks out and for our next family ski trip all the kids have helmets. Which is good because it probably saved my brain in the following stories.
• skiing, age 12. I was trying to buzz my dad and show off my mad skills but I hit a sudden patch of ice so my edges didn’t catch and I ran into him at full speed. But he was, of course, a zillion weight classes above a tweenage girl (and traveling fairly fast as well so my speed wasn’t much of a force multiplier). I basically bounced off of him and knocked myself out. I regained consciousness a minute later, shook myself off, and continued down the mountain.
• snowboarding, age 16. I picked up boarding at 14 because the skiing in Minnesota wasn’t challenging after mountains – plus all my friends were doing it. Attempted to go off a jump, but skiing instincts took over as I caught air so I auto-corrected to face forward instead of sideways. Back end of board catches on jump lip initiating a time-slowed (from my perspective) flip that only went 180° so my head was pointed down. I probably looked like a demented bird or confused hanglider with the board strapped to my feet and all. Landed on helmeted head, but managed to roll the impact onto my shoulder since the helmet was slippy plastic. It was funny in a relieved holy-fuck-I-think-I-almost-died sort of way.
Andrea recently posted..Shitballs

Noa June 9, 2012 at 11:55 am

Fucking mountains are dangerous as shit. There’s nothing more terrifying than hitting a patch of ice and knowing you’re about to careen full-speed to your demise. I’m impressed you’re alive.

Leafy September 1, 2012 at 10:10 pm

I have an inhuman ability to balance– I land the fall every time. However, this is compensated for by something I think is even worse.

I burn. I go to beach, and when I come back, I can do a convincing impression of a tomato by curling up into a ball.

No exaggeration– I have actually gotten a sunburn ON A RAINY DAY. Wanna go outside? NOPE! SUNBURN!

This is actually part of why I’m so nerdy– I can’t get sunburned if I stay inside.

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