The End Of The Troll Battle That Is Housing

03/23/2011 · 32 comments

in Adrian, I Want This., Love

Today, Adrian and I are signing a lease on an apartment that I absolutely love.

  • About a year ago, we were all packed and ready to move into a condo. After weeks of fighting the bank (Self-Employed does NOT mean we are not stable, for fuck’s sake), we did not get it because a resident of the building was suing the HOA for racism, and bankrupted the HOA. We shook our heads in frustration, but our things remained packed, and we looked for a new place.
  • A few months after that, we put an offer in on a house in bad shape, but with good bones and an even better neighborhood, with the plans, funding, and know-how of turning it into a spectacular modern home. 30 minutes later, another couple called and placed an offer for $10,000 higher. It was immediately accepted.
  • One hour after that, we put an offer in on our second choice home–a completely re-done home with a killer backyard. The seller’s realtor never gave them our offer, even though we offered over asking, and instead sold it to someone else.
  • Yesterday, as we were filling out an application for an apartment with a fantastic downtown view, someone else got the unit. I honestly don’t even know how that happened.

Dear God, please let this one stick. I live in that place that cops warn people about, and my Irish Married-To-A-Jew ass is as out of place as I can be.

Though slightly jaded, we tried to keep our heads up because despite our frustration, I knew we were lucky to even be looking at a new place to live. And, as my Ma told me, “You’re not taken off of a path without being given a new one to walk.”

And y’all, the Real Estate path is truly a magical one.

1) The Little People House

This house was advertised as an adorable 3,000 square foot, 5 bedroom, 3.5 bath for a stupid low price–corner lot, garage. It had to be too good to be true, but we couldn’t resist. Initially, it was any old house, but we could only find 3 bedrooms.

That is, until we opened a mysteriously skinny door right next to the fridge which led to what I can only describe as an attic addition only suited to little people. The stairs were vertical, and once we got to the top, Adrian was on his hands and knees, the realtor was balanced on the ladderstairs, and I was standing, HAND TO GOD, one foot in the bathtub, one foot in a bedroom, laughing my ass off at the absurdity of the situation. It was like a poorly planned dollhouse, everything miniaturized and weirdly placed.

Why sure, let’s put 4 closets in this room!
There absolutely needs to be electrical outlets on the floor of the bathroom.

Adrian had to talk me out of that one–I would have loved the little people addition in a way only few can.

2) I Need Medicine Now.

Another 5 bedroom, 3,000 square foot home for a stupid low price. A previous duplex, the owners who were foreclosed on had tried to renovate and run out of money. We figured that depending on the seriousness of the disrepair, we could give it a run. It didn’t go well.

Adrian: “Oh, what? What is that smell?”
Realtor: “Don’t mind that–the house has been vacant a while.”
Noa: “Nice fireplace…why is the tub in it’s own room off the living room? Why is it on a pedestal?”
Realtor: “Previous owners were eccentric.”
Noa: “I take it that’s why there is a ceramic tile elephant on the wall?”
Realtor: “Yes, and a Zebra in the other room.”
Adrian: “You say that like it’s a fine addition to the house. I like the original floors. Why is…wait. Why is there a wheelbarrow in here? Is it burning?”
Realtor: “Not anymore, no, it’s okay.”
Adrian: “What do you mean, not anymore? There is some smoke, I can swear it’s burning HOLY SHIT YOU JUST SHOOED AWAY THE HOMELESS PEOPLE.”
Realtor: “No. Yes. Okay, yes I did.”
Adrian: “Is that common?”
Realtor: “In this neighborhood. There may still be some here.”
Adrian: “We should go.”

3) Bullseye

In this kitchen, there was a 6 inch high cat door 5 feet off the ground.

I just did not understand how this could possibly work. Why was this pet entrance choice made at this height? How did the cat aim for that? What was it like cooking or entertaining and having a cat just fly into the room like a bad tittie joke? How did they teach their cat to jump at JUST the right height?

I imagine it being a lot like a lion leaping through a hoop. “Oh, don’t mind Hugo, he’s just going to leap onto your back at any moment and shred your clothing, dignity, and your soul.”

4) If I Can’t Base Jump, It’s Not Worth It

While looking for apartments after being horribly disappointed in the houses, we were shown a nice apartment on a high floor downtown, overlooking a park. 700 square feet, with a 1,500 square foot terrace. That’s right. 2,200 square foot apartment, 2/3 of which was inexplicably located outdoors. There were so many possibilities.

Adrian: “Can we use this space to add on to the apartment?”
Leasing Agent: “No…”
Noa: “How do you feel about pools with cabanas and/or hot tubs?”
Leasing Agent: “Not favorably.”
Noa: “Is it high enough to base jump from?”
Leasing Agent: “I don’t think so.”
Noa: “I don’t understand what we would use this for, then.”
Adrian: “Roller Derby.”
Noa: “Yes.”

Not to mention:

  • Cherubic stripper pole (it’s charming!)
  • The kitchen located in the entrance hallway (a space-saver)
  • The house with 57 cattle skulls in it (they’ll negotiate them into the price)
  • The washer and dryer located on opposite ends of the house (energy efficient)
  • The bolted-to-the-foundation arbor with the word TWAT welded to it. (Unique!)
  • Tree growing up from the fireplace (green!)
  • And the house lacking a ceiling and floor (to hone my skills as a ninja. HandyNinja Special!)

I can’t make this shit up. Fucking magical.

I can’t be the only one that’s seen some crazy housing. What have you seen?


hoodyhoo March 23, 2011 at 5:58 am

I am SO disappointed in you for not buying the house with the twat arbor… it would be perfect for pussy willows (sorry, couldn’t help it). My worst WTF real estate moment so far was the house whose closets were only as deep as your outstretched hand… was I supposed to hang my Barbie’s clothes in there?
hoodyhoo recently posted..Sell Me Your Bridges

Noa March 23, 2011 at 3:20 pm

FUCKING ADRIAN WOULDN’T LET ME. Presumably because he hates me. Also, if you had the MAGIC HANGER, that house would have been perfect.

hoodyhoo March 24, 2011 at 6:02 am

Adrian and Chuckweasel should hang out — they could take turns being Big Chief No-Fun of the IDonWanna tribe!
hoodyhoo recently posted..I Can’t Be Havin’ with This

Noa March 24, 2011 at 2:56 pm

That could possibly be the most boring fight ever. Adrian would be all, “IT SAYS TWAT.” And Chuckweasel would back him up. And no Jello would be thrown.

Lianne Marie Binks March 23, 2011 at 7:54 am

I once looked at a house with 3 rooms – one bedroom, one living room/kitchen and one bathroom. No hot water, no central heating, you walked stright into the living room room from the outside which had a staircase along one wall and went upstairs to the bedroom which was divided from the bathroom by a doorway (no door) and had a bath and a toilet – no sink, no shower – and did I mention no hot water?
I was homeless at the time and it was the only thing available. I lived in it for 6 months until I was able to buy somewhere that actually resembled a house!!
Lianne Marie Binks recently posted..The power of voodoo

Noa March 23, 2011 at 3:19 pm

Props for the fortitude, lady! That’s all kinds of too-much-like-camping, and my whiny ass would have been crying every day. You gots what they call, “the Balls.”

Chelle March 23, 2011 at 8:39 am

My sister and her husband bought a house that I helped do some work on. The living room and dining room had seven layers of wallpaper – even on the ceiling!

Noa March 23, 2011 at 3:18 pm

Like a terrible, colorful onion. It sounds wonderful.

Dear Sweet Mama March 23, 2011 at 8:55 am

Let’s see – there was the one where the shower was in the kitchen beside the stove – handy when running late as you could cook breakfast and wash up at the same time. Then there was the one with the regulation billard table in the basement across the room from 2 side by side functioning toilets on which one could sit and look out at the river running by in case your bladder needed some encouragement. I also lived over a pizza place where their oven vented into my linen closet. Sometimes I woke up trying to eat my sheets.

twentysomethingwaitress March 23, 2011 at 2:26 pm

“Sometimes I woke up trying to eat my sheets.” Um, I heart you for this comment.

Noa March 23, 2011 at 3:16 pm

Meet DSM, possibly one of the best commenters ever.

Noa March 23, 2011 at 3:17 pm

I imagine the shower was installed as a kind of safety shower–just in case you set yourself on fire.

MandyMoore March 23, 2011 at 9:57 am

Dear Lord, the cat door painted a hilarious picture in my head and I really did laugh out loud. House hunting is a bitch. Especially when hobos already find them first.
MandyMoore recently posted..M2 and Nugs could totally be Wayne and Garth and should probably have our own show

Noa March 23, 2011 at 3:17 pm

Fucking Hobos with the damn wheelbarrows.

kaye March 23, 2011 at 11:05 am

No crazy story from me, just wanted to say I LOVED this…“You’re not taken off of a path without being given a new one to walk.”
kaye recently posted..Good Morning!

Noa March 23, 2011 at 3:16 pm

Aw thanks! I’ll let Ma know.

twentysomethingwaitress March 23, 2011 at 2:25 pm

Oh my dear lord…..That cat door thing had me in fucking stitches. And the wheelbarrow. LOL. I’m not in the market to buy a house, but when I was apartment searching 3 years ago I had many similar “WTF” moments, including walking into what I swear was the size of a box and discovering the refrigerator in the living room. None as brilliant as these, however.

Have you considered having a “Oh HELL Noa” section in your blog? It would be for stories that make you go “Oh hell no!” (with an added ‘a’ at the end, of course.) I think this post would definitely qualify.

Noa March 23, 2011 at 3:16 pm

Don’t all fridges to in living rooms? Or bathrooms? I’m not good at these kinds of things.

Oh Hell Noa? That’s what my mom yells all the time–and, incidentally, usually about my blog.

elizabeth- flourish in progress March 23, 2011 at 8:34 pm

Remember how I told you I wanted to move to Texas just so I could be close to you? What I really meant to say was that I was just pretending to want to move to Texas so I could lure you into looking at houses with me.

After reading this, I can’t think of a funner, more fucked up time than looking at places to possibly hang my hat with you.

I once saw a house with ten bedrooms. Each bedroom had a bathroom. Each bathroom had a different theme. There was, however, only a two car garage. This leads me to believe that the house was once used as a brothel, and the clients were expected to park out front.
elizabeth- flourish in progress recently posted..Monday Dare- its not me- its you no- its me

Noa March 23, 2011 at 11:39 pm

Please tell me one or more of the bedrooms had a Best Little Whorehouse In Texas theme.

elizabeth- flourish in progress March 24, 2011 at 4:45 pm

sadly, no. unless a nautical theme done in purple and orange counts. yes? whores likes purple and orange, no? i know i do.
elizabeth- flourish in progress recently posted..Monday Dare- its not me- its you no- its me

Noa March 28, 2011 at 12:11 am

Nautical purple and orange? Well, now I have my theme for the new place.

Amanda March 24, 2011 at 8:11 pm

We actually bought the house with the most WTF moments in it. It had a great location and we were going to remodel anyway. Obviously, we were dumbasses. This house is a money pit. When we bought it, one bedroom had two different styles of psychedelic pink, purple, and white wallpaper with purple shag carpet.

Back in the 50’s, the man who owned my house disappeared. His car was found at a Dallas train station 3 weeks later with blood on the dash. He was never found. And really, who wouldn’t want a house that’s lost owners before?

Noa March 28, 2011 at 12:10 am

Dammit-I accidentally deleted your link. I’m so sorry, I’ll fix it as soon as I’m not hijacking wireless at incredibly slow speeds. Secondly, I would fake my own death too if my house looked like that. What a fun dinner party story!

Jaclyn March 25, 2011 at 3:39 pm

Worst place I ever lived? Well, we lived in the projects when I was a kid and there was this kid who lived downstairs from us and he had some problems. He was maybe 12 or something and I remember his mom telling me (I was also like 12 years old) how he would hold her down and try to kiss her with tongue and make her touch his dick and nasty shit like that- who tells that to a 12 year old??? We also had a friend in the building who tried to befriend him because he felt bad for the kid and one day he was at his house and the crazy kid brought him his hamster’s eyeballs on a plate. I’d be willing to bet he’s a serial killer now.
Jaclyn recently posted..Just a few words before I go away

Noa March 28, 2011 at 12:06 am

And the award for the shittiest dwelling ever goes to that place. Congratulations.

Stephanie March 29, 2011 at 10:20 am

While looking for homes, my realtor, who is also a personal friend, told me a story about how another agent took this guy to look at a house, and the people’s pet cat ATTACKED the man! Like, claws in his back, shredding him, ATTACKED. The man ended up hiding in the bathroom, while the realtor was hiding in the master bedroom, both throwing cat toys at the cat that was waiting for them IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING HALLWAY. They had been warned there was a cat, but that was it.

Noa March 29, 2011 at 2:53 pm

AHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh my god. That reminds me of when I had to move one of my cats last time–I had her wrapped in a towel and shoved into a pillow case WHERE SHE WAS STILL ABLE TO CLAW AND BITE, and then shoved her ass first into a carrier. It was not one of my prouder moments.

Lynne May 17, 2011 at 11:30 am

Are you, too, as convinced as I am that there are some people in this world that should never, ever, be allowed near a paint brush or a piece of ceramic tile?!?! Damn home improvement shows………

Noa May 17, 2011 at 8:09 pm

I am one of those people. Ask Adrian. It’s bad.

Lynne May 19, 2011 at 8:40 am

I’m not talking about the craftsmanship; I’m talking about the color and style choices or the fact that someone learns (or think they’ve learned) how to do tile so they go tile-crazy and cover every square inch of flooring, countertops, backsplashes, etc. I’m not going to get started on paint choices, murals and designs that not even Kilz and 80 grit sandpaper can un-fuck.

Noa May 19, 2011 at 4:20 pm

I see. I thankfully married a man who is pretty handy and architect-y so I am not allowed to make these certain choices, but even I would not consider putting pink carpet on the walls as I saw in one house. My cats would literally climb the walls there, and that’s fucking terrifying.

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