The Dairyists Want Your Soul AKA Yogurt Jesus

03/09/2011 · 8 comments

in I'm A Terrible Person, What Is Wrong With You?

You guys. I’ve just uncovered a vast and hidden cult religious conspiracy.

For Yogurt Jesus.

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I’m so uncomfortable right now. Is the yogurt really so orgasmically good that we had to write a Dr. Seuss style existentialist poem for it? Did they just promise me everlasting life through yogurt? (Most importantly, HOW DO YOU SAY FAGE?) This is getting absurd.

This is a clear indoctrination process into the Dairyist Cult, and I, for one, will NOT BE LED TO A YOGURTY HELL.

After extensive research into the Dairyists, I realized something; the process of conversion started many years ago.

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As you can see in the above example, the promises of oneness and love through yogurt are clear. They’ll even go so far as to say that being a Dairyist can actually heal your illnesses.

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Pure exploitation through celebrity influence.

They’ll stop at nothing to recruit you, even using sexual means:

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It’s outright disgusting.

Dairyists promote violent conversion methods, up to and including breaking and entering:

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And begin indoctrinating the young people into their religion by promising crazy things. They demonstrate to the children to let NOTHING steal their yogurt away, and even offer up a glimpse of their methods of inscription:

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We must stop them. Their underground conversion techniques have gone largely unnoticed for much too long. Now is the time to rise up, Leaguers. Now is the time to say NO to Yogurt. Now is the time to say, “YOU WILL NOT HAVE AT ME, DAIRYISTS.”

God save us all.

Brandi March 9, 2011 at 5:35 am

If you’re not busy this evening, I can send a couple of missionaries to your house to discuss how your eternal soul can be saved by cheese sticks and kefir smoothies.

(And it’s pronounced Fah-Yay. Damn Greeks.)
Brandi recently posted..They were born this way

Noa March 9, 2011 at 1:18 pm

My goodness you’re funny. But seriously though, if cheese sticks can save my soul, we need to talk.

Heather in MT March 9, 2011 at 10:03 am

There is something wrong with that Trix yogurt commercial. Did you see that the kid’s space ship is quite falical? As if Trix flavored yogurt wasn’t disturbing enough, now they have kids flying around in outer space in a penis rocket chasing a pesky rabbit that stole their trix…. There’s some weird innuendos going on in that commercial, is it really geared toward kids?

Noa March 9, 2011 at 1:20 pm

I KNOW, RIGHT? It’s totally fucked up. That damn rabbit. It makes me want to smack the Trix Yogurt right out of my nieces’ hands (to clarify, I have 2 nieces, so I punctuated that correctly).

elizabeth- flourish in progress March 9, 2011 at 10:42 am

I am ashamed. Just by looking at one screenshot from each video clip, I knew each and every one of those commercials by heart. Go on without me, Noa. It’s too late for me. They’ve already gotten their seedy little grips in me.
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Noa March 9, 2011 at 1:20 pm

Not you, friend. Be strong against the dairyists–don’t let them have your soul!

steph March 9, 2011 at 4:22 pm

It’s too late for me. And what’s worse? I brought my kids down with me.

Noa March 9, 2011 at 4:34 pm

That silly rabbit. He’ll get ‘em every time.

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