Did you know North Korea has a damn website?

In the wake of me getting absolutely nothing done yesterday, I ran across a lot of crap and memes and videos and assorted other bullshit on the internet. I laughed all day, but nothing stunned me so as when I came across this gem.

Yahoo Geocities apparently hosts the website.

It reads like a angsty 13-year-old’s internet manifesto, but instead of a whiny tween, it’s a fucking dictator running a country and people’s lives. The more time I spent, the more horrified I became.

Join me in a photographic journey, won’t you? (Or don’t. By the time you read this, I will probably be detained. Also, my comments are in purple.)

1. The Forum: Not really a forum, actually, as it’s pretty much just whatever the DPRK wants to say, and you can’t comment or do anything forum related because FUCK YOU.

2. Membership into the Korean Friendship Association: Not only is this a horrifying club to belong to, they ABSOLUTELY WANT A WAY TO FUCKING FIND YOU. This isn’t a Burger King Kid’s Club, folks. OH MY GOD.

3. Traveling to North Korea: I might actually want to do this. To see the horror from the inside, to gain some perspective on other parts of the world.

Well, then I’ll just scroll down for details…OH THIS IS WHY I DON’T WANT TO GO. Americans must go on a special delegation, from which I can only assume you’ll never come home.

4. Business in DPRK: The “benefits” of doing business in North Korea are so handily listed out here, which reads like a CEO trying to cover up a sex-with-elephantine-hookers-while-punching-toddlers scandal. Nothing to see here, folks–all that horror is really just added value. What. The. Fuck.

5. The Store: I’m so exhausted in my own terror at this point. I was kind of hoping for a laugh, but this has turned into a hate-fueled rampage through a shitty website. And then, I clicked on the store. Everything instantly got much more hilarious.

They run off of CafePress (Jesus Christ on a Bicycle), and label their products rather appropriately.

North Korea also promotes delightful housewares…

And Douchery, at it’s very core.

I made myself so incredibly sad by poring through this site. I suddenly realize how fortunate I am to be able to disparage this so. Freedom is easily taken for granted. I decided to cheer myself up. Perhaps you could use some cheer, too?

Well, here’s 3 tiny Paula Deens riding Kim Jong-Il.

Enjoy.

If you want to see the horror for yourself, just google North Korea–I won’t include the link here. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

hoodyhoo March 2, 2011 at 6:29 am

So… what you’re saying is you DON’T like that throw pillow? Fuck, Christmas is RUINED.
hoodyhoo recently posted..Only in WBGV!

Noa March 2, 2011 at 11:17 am

I never said I didn’t want one.

hoodyhoo March 3, 2011 at 6:13 am

too late, I already special ordered your propaganda poster wallpaper and curtains set. YOU’RE WELCOME.

(If you want the bedsheets, let me know. Bedsheets were extra.)
hoodyhoo recently posted..Only in WBGV!

Noa March 3, 2011 at 9:03 am

I…I don’t know how to thank you…

momiss March 2, 2011 at 9:18 am

I am a new fan and am so happy to see that you have a gorgeous brain under all that wit. Pleasure to meet you and keep on rockin’ in the free world, while it’s still here. Great post!
momiss recently posted..Victory is mine

Noa March 2, 2011 at 11:17 am

Thank you, but clearly after this post, I won’t be around for very long.

Alana March 2, 2011 at 10:49 am

*I’m scared*

Noa March 2, 2011 at 11:16 am

You and me both, friend.

kaye March 2, 2011 at 11:00 am

For just being your friend I’m now on the list and am being watched, thank you.
kaye recently posted..Im a WINNER just like Charlie Sheen!

Noa March 2, 2011 at 11:16 am

At least we’ll be there together!

Alba March 2, 2011 at 11:35 am

I have a comment but frankly I’m afraid to post any further because I am sure you are being watched.

Noa March 2, 2011 at 11:51 am

And you now, too. Sleep well tonight!

Adrian March 2, 2011 at 11:50 am

North Koreans are so considerate! They schedule their inscriptio, I mean field trips to their country during the tourist off seasons. This means that they really know what kind of hard economic times we’re having – and care. Thank you North Korea!

Noa March 2, 2011 at 11:52 am

They’re so kind. Looks like that’s where we’re headed for our vacation! Remember to get our will straightened up before then.

KatieTheBlogLady March 2, 2011 at 3:55 pm

Is it just me or is Kim Jong-II lookin mighty fine these days? He’s one handsome mutha fucka, mutha fucka.

[See, I’m down wit NorKo! Now take me off your watch list bitch.]

KatieTheBlogLady March 2, 2011 at 4:09 pm

The CIA is now coming for me b/c my comment didn’t make a lick of sense . . . kinda like North Korea.
KatieTheBlogLady recently posted..Who’s Yo Mama

Noa March 2, 2011 at 4:59 pm

You made perfect sense to me. That’s the terrifying part.

Noa March 2, 2011 at 4:59 pm

Especially when Paula Deen is riding him with a glass of Franzia.

elizabeth- flourish in progress March 2, 2011 at 7:06 pm

Are you free April 12-19? This trip looks waaaaay more entertaining than our original Vegas plans.

Also, it’s official. You’re a genius. And a wanted person by the North Korean government. If you get a package you or Adrian didn’t order, just don’t open it. Trust me on this.
elizabeth- flourish in progress recently posted..Monday Dare- crack is whack

Noa March 2, 2011 at 8:02 pm

Getting shithoused in North Korea with you is going to be the highlight of my life.

A March 2, 2011 at 8:54 pm

I personally enjoy the Oktoberfest style beer stein. Multicultural!
A recently posted..What Im Thinking about Today

Noa March 2, 2011 at 9:05 pm

I didn’t think about the multicultural aspect of it. Good to know the NK is trying to relate through beer. And hatred.

Grace March 2, 2011 at 10:29 pm

Friend, I’m not sure I have the political pull to git Slick Willy to bail your ass out of NK. I’m gonna miss you…we’ve had a good run though.

Noa March 3, 2011 at 9:03 am

You’re going with me–you didn’t know that?

Pink Gingham Girl March 3, 2011 at 10:48 am

This post is HILARIOUS. I’m going to Twitter the shit out of it. You just made a new fan, my friend.

Noa March 3, 2011 at 12:12 pm

No, YOU just made a new fan with your incessant stroking of my giant ego. I love you.

Pink Gingham Girl March 3, 2011 at 5:06 pm

You must have tiger blood running through your veins.
Pink Gingham Girl recently posted..Futon FAIL

Noa March 3, 2011 at 7:09 pm

Obviously.

Lynne May 17, 2011 at 1:07 pm

It is so refreshing to see someone else in the south who so purely and justifiably despises Paula Deen as I do.

Noa May 17, 2011 at 8:03 pm

I think Paula Deen is legit a robot. Have you ever really looked into her eyes? It’s frightening.

chapstick July 29, 2011 at 2:38 pm

I really hope you saw the “great leader Kim Il Sung memorial page.” There’s a photo of this twat in front of a crowd of children and the caption reads “FATHER OF ALL KOREAN CHILDREN.” I thought, “How does this fucker have the time to run a country AND screw every chick above the 48th parallel….I guess Koreans really are superior, at least in their multitasking skills.”

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