I have been inundated–inundated, I say–with life-affirming quotes lately. On Twitter, on Facebook, through texts, and even through old faithful, Stumbleupon. Too many of my friends lately have been encountering health problems, too many members of my family have had serious personal problems, too many disasters has warranted an influx of, “KEEP YOUR HEAD UP, SNOOKUMS.”
I am fucking sick of it, and frankly, I suspect that everyone else is, too. When bad shit happens, the last thing you want to hear is, “It’s all for a reason.” Really? You kicked my baby in the face–for a reason? That girl has terminal cancer, and that’s what you’re going to say to her?
“Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will this matter?’” I absolutely think the people of Japan will disagree with this one. PS–They need our help, Leaguers. If you can spare it, they will appreciate it.
“Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. And Today? Today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present.” Shut. The. Fuck. Up. Today is not a gift for everyone. Yesterday, when a grown woman explained to her adult daughter where she was conceived (answer: her older brother’s bed) and then saw a grandmother smack her grandson with a potato peeler in IKEA was not a gift for me. I’m also sure I could throw a rock and hit someone who’s day was not a gift for them for a huge number of reasons, and then I’ve gone and made it worse by hitting them with a rock. Why would you have me do that?
“If you are going through hell, keep going” Winston Churchill, if you have forgotten, if I am in Hell, I am on fire. On. Fucking. Fire. Perhaps you could throw me a fire extinguisher or an ice pack or something to assist? No? Dirty bastard.
“Never, never, never give up.” Also another Winston Churchill dandy. Churchill, when my boss has just punched me in the vagina, I am going to give up on that job. (Fun Fact: Winston Churchill also said, “A punch in the vagina is what every woman needs to mind her goddamn business already.”)
I know I can do better than this, because my middle name wouldn’t be Dangerballs if I couldn’t inspire the shit out of you.
Recently Laid-Off: “Your life probably fucking blows right now. Sorry about that. There’s probably not much I can do, but at least you don’t have hooves for hands. No one hires people like that.” Hooves would really fuck up your current situation.
My Job Fucking Blows: “Life will never be fair. That’s not the way of things and it blows sometimes. But, if you learn to punch people and things with a knuckle duster, you’ll feel a lot better.” So the next time you get passed up for a promotion, at least you can punch a bitch.
Injury/Robbery/Other Assorted Crimes:“This seemingly random act of violence in your life has really fucked all the shit up. Good thing you can hire prostitutes.” Because nobody wants to hear you justify their problems unless you’re offering sexual favors.
Illness/Disaster: “No, you’re not dead, but you probably don’t feel any stronger because the world basically just shit on you. A terminator is probably not after your children though. Those things can morph and fuck up a state budget like you have never seen.” If you think about it, a much worse situation.
Recently Dumped: “He dumped you, but Disney gave you really unrealistic expectations of what relationships are. We should get drunk in Epcot and then kidnap Goofy. That’ll show old man Disney.” Kidnapping a lovable stuffed character while under the influence would cheer anybody up.
A Terminator is After My Family: “How did that even happen to you? You’re fucked.” If a terminator is after you, there’s nothing I can do.
When things go wrong in other people’s lives, or even in your own, don’t regurgitate all the bullshit you hear on Dr. Phil for them, and don’t tell them it was for a reason. Be honest, be sincere, ask how to help, and bring a bottle of tequila. Unless what’s going wrong is alcoholism, in which case that is terrible advice.
Any good/bad/fucking ridiculous advice you’ve ever been given?
Comment of the Day:
“Awesome post. So true! The day I got diagnosed with breast cancer, my cleaning lady said, “You’re going to be such a testimony to other women.” I was like, what would really help is if you would mop the floor.” Thank you Becky from Suburban Matron!