Life Coaching from Dangerballs: Useful Thoughts

03/16/2011 · 51 comments

in I'm A Terrible Person, Psychological Warfare

I have been inundated–inundated, I say–with life-affirming quotes lately. On Twitter, on Facebook, through texts, and even through old faithful, Stumbleupon. Too many of my friends lately have been encountering health problems, too many members of my family have had serious personal problems, too many disasters has warranted an influx of, “KEEP YOUR HEAD UP, SNOOKUMS.”

I am fucking sick of it, and frankly, I suspect that everyone else is, too. When bad shit happens, the last thing you want to hear is, “It’s all for a reason.” Really? You kicked my baby in the face–for a reason? That girl has terminal cancer, and that’s what you’re going to say to her?

 

Some favorites:

“Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will this matter?’” I absolutely think the people of Japan will disagree with this one. PS–They need our help, Leaguers. If you can spare it, they will appreciate it.

“Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. And Today? Today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present.” Shut. The. Fuck. Up. Today is not a gift for everyone. Yesterday, when a grown woman explained to her adult daughter where she was conceived (answer: her older brother’s bed) and then saw a grandmother smack her grandson with a potato peeler in IKEA was not a gift for me. I’m also sure I could throw a rock and hit someone who’s day was not a gift for them for a huge number of reasons, and then I’ve gone and made it worse by hitting them with a rock. Why would you have me do that?

“If you are going through hell, keep going” Winston Churchill, if you have forgotten, if I am in Hell, I am on fire. On. Fucking. Fire. Perhaps you could throw me a fire extinguisher or an ice pack or something to assist? No? Dirty bastard.

“Never, never, never give up.” Also another Winston Churchill dandy. Churchill, when my boss has just punched me in the vagina, I am going to give up on that job. (Fun Fact: Winston Churchill also said, “A punch in the vagina is what every woman needs to mind her goddamn business already.”)

I know I can do better than this, because my middle name wouldn’t be Dangerballs if I couldn’t inspire the shit out of you.

Dangerballs Says:

Recently Laid-Off: “Your life probably fucking blows right now. Sorry about that. There’s probably not much I can do, but at least you don’t have hooves for hands. No one hires people like that.” Hooves would really fuck up your current situation.

My Job Fucking Blows: “Life will never be fair. That’s not the way of things and it blows sometimes. But, if you learn to punch people and things with a knuckle duster, you’ll feel a lot better.” So the next time you get passed up for a promotion, at least you can punch a bitch.

Injury/Robbery/Other Assorted Crimes:“This seemingly random act of violence in your life has really fucked all the shit up. Good thing you can hire prostitutes.” Because nobody wants to hear you justify their problems unless you’re offering sexual favors.

Illness/Disaster: “No, you’re not dead, but you probably don’t feel any stronger because the world basically just shit on you. A terminator is probably not after your children though. Those things can morph and fuck up a state budget like you have never seen.” If you think about it, a much worse situation.

Recently Dumped: “He dumped you, but Disney gave you really unrealistic expectations of what relationships are. We should get drunk in Epcot and then kidnap Goofy. That’ll show old man Disney.” Kidnapping a lovable stuffed character while under the influence would cheer anybody up.

A Terminator is After My Family: “How did that even happen to you? You’re fucked.” If a terminator is after you, there’s nothing I can do.

When things go wrong in other people’s lives, or even in your own, don’t regurgitate all the bullshit you hear on Dr. Phil for them, and don’t tell them it was for a reason. Be honest, be sincere, ask how to help, and bring a bottle of tequila. Unless what’s going wrong is alcoholism, in which case that is terrible advice.

Any good/bad/fucking ridiculous advice you’ve ever been given?

Comment of the Day:

“Awesome post. So true! The day I got diagnosed with breast cancer, my cleaning lady said, “You’re going to be such a testimony to other women.” I was like, what would really help is if you would mop the floor.” Thank you Becky from Suburban Matron!

Jordan March 16, 2011 at 1:06 am

I feel slightly torn. I don’t know if I should be laughing at this or if I should be sad about this. Either way I laughed. I anticipate you’ll be getting an offer to work for Hallmark any moment now.
Jordan recently posted..Bible Translations For Jesus Children

Noa March 16, 2011 at 6:58 pm

Hallmark can’t afford this ho. They can also not tolerate most of the bullshit that I say, because I’ve been known to make people cry. Not in the good way either, sadly.

hoodyhoo March 16, 2011 at 5:59 am

My favorites are the people who offer to “pray for me.” Gee, thanks for doing the absolutely-least-of-all-things you can possibly do to help me out. Wouldn’t want you to sprain something. Dick.
hoodyhoo recently posted..It’s Not the Drugs

Noa March 16, 2011 at 6:53 pm

Oh you fell? I’ll pray for you.

ORRRR, you could offer a hand up. Dicksmack.

Dear Sweet Mama March 16, 2011 at 9:21 am

All I can say, as the concubine and I are currently walking in the valley of the shadow, which sucks bigtime, is – this is genius. I may use some of these when I meet with a group tonight that seems determined to act as if their bad actions are really good actions since the only people who have been screwed are us.

Noa March 16, 2011 at 6:53 pm

I’m so sorry to hear about the shadows–that fucking blows. I think people need to hear the truth–and I know you’ll be the one to say it.

hoodyhoo March 17, 2011 at 6:06 am

and when DSM says it, it WILL have swears…
hoodyhoo recently posted..Some of You Need Help

Noa March 17, 2011 at 2:58 pm

YOU HAVE AN AWESOME FAMILY.

kaye March 16, 2011 at 11:14 am

@hoodyhoo…nevermind. not gonna start lol.

This post is hilarious. I have nothing to bring to the table. Currently I smell like gas and have a headache so my thinking is not sharp. Yes I’m blaming it on the gas. Hehe.
kaye recently posted..Good news!

Noa March 16, 2011 at 6:52 pm

This too shall pass. Also, you should really expand on the “I smell like gas,” because that alone doesn’t look too great.

Kaye March 16, 2011 at 7:08 pm

haha, oh yeah…i just expect people to read my blog… um, I went to get gas this morning and when I got to work until I got home I smelled of gas…it was awful. I hate smelling like a gas station!

Noa March 16, 2011 at 7:12 pm

Haha, no worries! I figured out what you were saying, but at first glance it was like, “Um…whoa.”

Dear Sweet Mama March 18, 2011 at 10:47 am

I was thinking she should quit eatin beans.

Noa March 18, 2011 at 3:02 pm

Well, that maybe too.

Mom Of Wild Ones March 16, 2011 at 11:15 am

I love this one “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

Pretty sure if it nearly killed me then worst case I am fucking paralyzed or just horribly mamed. Thanks but no thanks.
Mom Of Wild Ones recently posted..Lets talk about sex

Noa March 16, 2011 at 6:51 pm

“Oh, but think about all the good things that come from what you’re dealing with!” Well, if you can point them out, and name how it makes me stronger, then great. Otherwise, fuck off. Thanks for the comment!

Abby March 16, 2011 at 11:26 am

“This too shall pass.”
If by “this” you mean a semi truck and by “pass” you mean “will run over the asshole who ruined my day,” then I’m all ears. Otherwise just tell me how much it sucks and how wonderful I am to put up with it.
Thank you.

Noa March 16, 2011 at 6:51 pm

AHAHAHA. Yes–I don’t need regurgitated bullshit, I need a nun with a sense of vengeance.

Rebecca March 16, 2011 at 11:37 am

My all time fav: “It’s God’s will.” Really? Seriously? You’re going to sit there on your high, healthy, non-tsunami-ridden horse and tell me that everything is God’s will? The little girl with cancer who has four hours to live? Babies being born horribly debilitated due to medical negligence? An entire country reeling from the after effects of natural disaster? The single mom who is facing down death and worried about what will happen to her precious children?

See, I have two problems with this –
1) Just how do you know what is and is not God’s will? Does He phone you up before an earthquake just to confirm? “Uh, yeah…this is God. Just in case someone comes to you crying because the Earth swallowed up their house, I just wanted to give you a heads up. I meant to do that.” I mean, really. Shit happens. Mother Nature can get bipolar. Some things are our own damn fault and some are just really really horrid luck. Get over it, and quit abdicating all your personal power to a deity that by your own definition thinks it’s okay to strike down innocent children with painful and terminal diseases just to ‘help someone learn a lesson’. Which brings me to my second point.

2) You might want to check out who it is you’re really following there, ace. ‘Cuz my higher power? Pretty cool. Helps those who help themselves, balances the seasons, loves, forgives, shows mercy and kindness. Your higher power? Kinda sounds like a dick. Just sayin’.

Not only is this statement not comforting in any sense of the word, it is also misleading and potentially hazardous to the mental health of the person who is trying to obtain the comfort. Now they’re gonna go off and try to figure out what they did to deserve this, and I’m sure someone will be right behind them to tell them why – like they missed Mass or worked on Sunday or didn’t take the Bible literally. Which totally makes sense. Wait – no it doesn’t.

Just say, “Well, that sucks. When do you want me to bring over the whiskey?” Because everyone should have the chance to get drunker than who-shit-in-a-corner when bad stuff happens. And that, my friends, is Rebecca’s will.

kaye March 16, 2011 at 11:48 am

Hell to the yeah!!!!
kaye recently posted..Good news!

Noa March 16, 2011 at 6:47 pm

Seconded.

Noa March 16, 2011 at 6:50 pm

Oh, Rebecca. I can just see you telling this to me, and to all those bastards who have said that to you. I don’t know how many times I have heard that, but thank you for saying what you have said. Clearly, this was God’s will.

Becky March 16, 2011 at 11:48 am

Awesome post. So true! The day I got diagnosed with breast cancer, my cleaning lady said, “You’re going to be such a testimony to other women.” I was like, what would really help is if you would mop the floor.
Becky recently posted..One Year Out

Noa March 16, 2011 at 6:46 pm

OH MY GOODNESS. I suppose this shouldn’t make me laugh but my God it does. Thank you so much for the comment–and that’s why you win today.

elizabeth- flourish in progress March 16, 2011 at 12:15 pm

Are you going to printing this sage advice onto posters? I may need to do a large pre-order for Christmas.

I see life coach as a real career possibility for you. I like this kind of straight talk better than the pansy stuff.
elizabeth- flourish in progress recently posted..Monday Dare- Merica

Noa March 16, 2011 at 6:45 pm

Liz, for you, I will make greeting cards.

Jaclyn March 16, 2011 at 1:16 pm

The worst life-affirming bullshit I ever got (and I got this shit from almost everyone I encountered for months) was after I lost my son when I was 6 months pregnant with him. People would say shit like “It’s better this way- there must have been something wrong with him, at least he didn’t have to suffer”.

There are a few things wrong with that, and I didn’t have enough control over my emotions to NOT emphatically point it out to everyone who made a comment along these lines. First, HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW HE DIDN’T SUFFER? He was far enough along in his development to have a certain level of conciousness and receptors for pain. So really, how the fuck can you say he didn’t suffer? And second, thank you, Dr. Asshole. I’m glad to know you have assessed my son’s death and decided that there was something wrong with him. I guess the chromosome tests and autopsy all coming back that he was perfect and healthy and that there was absolutely NO understandable reason why he died was all just a mistake. Thanks for clearing that up, douche bags.

Thank you. I needed that.
Jaclyn recently posted..Why do I always have babysitter drama

Noa March 16, 2011 at 6:45 pm

I’m glad this was cathartic for you. I have no idea how you feel (I won’t pretend like I do), but my God that must have fucking sucked. I don’t know how you didn’t absolutely stab those people in the face. You’re awesome, and thank you for the comment.

Annie P. March 16, 2011 at 1:31 pm

When I was going through my breakup, I’d have been one hell of a rich woman if I was given money for everytime someone said:

“Everything Happens for Reason”

or

“This Too Shall Pass.”

Here are the reponses I almost wanted to give:
“Yeah, hell, everything happens for a reason, but clearly you don’t know what it is, because you don’t have anything better to say! Screw you.”

And, “Oh, it will pass? Really? Like — that whole being short thing? I didn’t grow! Not a single inch! Still the same height! And, you know that whole getting out of the desert thing? I’ve lived in one for more than 7 years!!”

Poop.

My favorite saying annoys the hell out of everyone “Fiddlesticks and Muffins”.
And Poop. Or poopy. Or poopy poop. I had to stop saying “Fudge muffins,” because people would only think of poop.

(On a side note, still eternally grateful for all the people who did say those cliche phrases. They just didn’t have anything better to say, but meant well. :) ))
Annie P. recently posted..Dont Wait Until the Line Goes Dead

Noa March 16, 2011 at 6:40 pm

Oh Annie, you and your silly fudge muffins. If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard, “this too shall pass,” I’d have enough nickels to fill a sock and knock a bitch out. But, you know, keep your head up and your knuckle dusters on.

Annie P. March 17, 2011 at 1:43 am

And you know what, today, I WAS the one saying “EVERYTHING happens for a reason.”

Something happened, and I said, “OMG, is this the REASON everyone kept talking about?”

Only time will tell. Hold onto your panty-hoes boys and girls….

I am working on a new project… getting the Fabulous on — and the Frump Out…
Annie P. recently posted..Dont Wait Until the Line Goes Dead

Noa March 17, 2011 at 2:59 pm

The reason is difficult to see when you’re the one standing on the opposing side of hardship–we’re all guilty of giving sage advice at one time or another. The difference is, that knowing you, my dear, you really and truly meant it.

Rebecca March 17, 2011 at 12:07 am

My favorite version of this “comfort saying” came from my friend’s father. “This too, like bad chili, shall pass.” Makes me giggle.

Annie P. March 17, 2011 at 1:42 am

Laughing my ass off.

That’s true.

It’ll pass like gas. Fo-shizzle.

Noa March 17, 2011 at 2:59 pm

OH excellent. That’s my new phrase.

Amanda March 16, 2011 at 11:16 pm

I have a favorite quote which will not qualify as any kind of advice, but always makes me laugh a it’s total inappropriateness.

“It will be hard and it will be long and there will be no withdrawal.” Winston Churchill.
Amanda recently posted..Rangers Baseball

Rebecca March 17, 2011 at 12:08 am

Hey – I think that’s how I got knocked up with my first kid…

Noa March 17, 2011 at 3:15 pm

Can you come live with me? You’re too funny not to be a personal joke-teller. Also, I have no money. Sorry.

Grace March 17, 2011 at 1:05 am

My 3 favorites:

1. I totally know how you’re feeling…
bitch please…I’ma fuckin punch you because you have never lost a leg, watched your father die, watched your house burn (twice), or grown up with douchy…just sayin
2. You will learn from this
Couldn’t you have just told me this little lesson rather than having to fucking demonstrate it?
3. You reap what you sow
Then gimme them damn seeds back, I’ll rip that shit right outta the ground

PS do you still have the jars from last year’s sauce? If so are you bringing them? I have this feeling that you threw them away : (

Noa March 17, 2011 at 3:07 pm

I love you, sister. You’re vicious and hilarious all at once. Also, WHAT A WEIRD PLACE TO DISCUSS CANPOCALYPSE 2011. I didn’t take home any sauce last year because we didn’t make enough–I left them all for you. If I need to go and buy jars, let me know.

Also, I still need to know how much of the ingredients I need to buy.

Grace March 17, 2011 at 3:45 pm

I knew you would see it here : ) but, if you would rather, I’ll text you your shopping list. I really thought you took home like 3 jars…oh well. Don’t buy jars, we swiped plenty for you. You just need to buy lids for them. I’ll text you as I’m getting St. Patty’s day drunk…we’re Irish, right?

Noa March 17, 2011 at 4:37 pm

Nope–took home no sauce. You were pissed at me for doing that, but I swear I took none home. Please text me what I need, and I’ll bring it. For now, sure, we’re Irish–get drunk you crazy ho.

Grace March 18, 2011 at 1:00 am

I am currently drunk, I haven’t texeted you yet…because I forgot. I’m hoping this message makes sense in the manana. If not…fuck it, call me and I’ll explain it. I had a lot of beers.

Noa March 18, 2011 at 3:03 pm

Ladies and Gents, my sister.

Renee March 17, 2011 at 10:24 am

When I was breaking up with my good-for-nothing, cheating ass, loser of a husband, my mother-in-law used to tell me that “Communication is the key to marriage”.

Uh. Did you read that in Redbook? No crap, Sherlock! Unfortunately, YOUR son was COMMUNICATING with a bunch of nasty crack hos and not his WIFE!

Apple. Tree.
Renee recently posted..10 Things I Did Right When I Was Single

Noa March 17, 2011 at 2:58 pm

I’m sorry to hear about your dick of an ex, but your comment is just awesome. If that’s the foundation of a marriage, I’m fucked, because Adrian usually just glowers at me when I say dumb things.

Rebecca March 18, 2011 at 2:09 am

Glowering is communication. It’s all in the perspective.

Noa March 18, 2011 at 3:03 pm

You got me there.

Rairy June 30, 2011 at 5:41 am

A few months ago when my father-in-law died after a 4 year long battle with cancer a lot of people tried to comfort us by saying “he is in a better place now”

For the life of me I cant think of how being dead in a box is a better place than being alive and not in a box.

We greatly preferred my husbands best friends form of comfort. She showed up with a bottle of 18 year old scotch.

Noa July 1, 2011 at 3:58 pm

Your Husband’s best friend knows how to grieve.

I hear that all the time about my Dad. “He went to a better place.” You know what? Fuck you–he died when I was three, and I’ll be honest, I’d rather he be here.

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