Letters to Insufferable Members of Society: Grocery Store Judgers

03/21/2011 · 35 comments

in Letters to Insufferable Members of Society

Dear Grocery Store Judgers,

I realize I just bought a pallet of crushed tomatoes and a flat of italian seasoning. I loaded it myself, and intend on paying for and then subsequently using the entire cart of items. Your surprised looks and comments are at the same time strange and bothersome.

  • “Were they on sale?” FUCK YES THEY WERE. I’m going to make tacos every day for 12 years.
  • “Is the apocalypse coming?” It will at some point, yes. And when that day comes, I’ll be prepped for skunk-smell removal. And I will laugh at your smelly hate.
  • “Those are too heavy for a little ol’ girl like you!” Then thanks for standing 20 feet away and commenting, dickbag.
  • “Someone’s on a diet.” No, but someone is about to die.

I don’t pass judgment at your 30 pack of double A’s and Cosmo, ma’am, so I’d appreciate it if you didn’t snidely comment at my zucchini and Mobil 1. It should be none of your concern why I have 14 cans of Disney Princess Spaghetti-o’s (answer: limited edition deliciousness) the same way it’s none of my business why you have nothing but Cheetos and Pepsi.

Additionally, I will try to get through the checkout line just as fast as I possibly can. You can make this experience a little less like a junior high hallway by:

  • Standing at least 3 feet from the credit card swiper, Creepy McCreeperson.
  • Not SIGHING DRAMATICALLY when the cashier makes a mistake and/or I pay with cash or a check. We’re all human, except for you, because you’re a terrible bitch.
  • Placing your items on the pre-check belt, even if you have only 2 of them. It really fucks up the checkers when you don’t do this (because it’s fucking weird), and then I cannot load my cart onto the belt because she will become confused. It’s not an endurance test, you can put that shit down.

However, there is one thing I will absolutely judge you for.

Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT continue your phone conversation in the checkout line. Not only is this out-and-out rude to everyone around you, but I will loudly respond to your phone conversation as though you were speaking to me, to do nothing more than be as rude to you in return.

You: “Why do you think Nancy’s saying such things?”
Me: “Don’t know. I can’t understand her with a dick in her mouth.”
You: “Um…Anyway, the doctor said it was just a boil.”
Me: “Well that’s a relief, I guess. Except for that boils were a plague of Egypt once. Perhaps it’s lamb-slaughtering time?”
You: “That’s so good to hear about Nana’s shingles.”
Me: “NANA HAS SHINGLES? How dare you keep me out of the loop.”
You: “Excuse me miss, I’m on the phone.”
Me: Jazz hands, then I flip you off while I shuffle step away.

If we can agree on the above terms, then I believe that we can all buy corn dogs in peace, without fear of judgment or scandal in the freezer aisle. And that, my friends, is the American Dream.

Sincerely,

Noa D. Gavin

hoodyhoo March 21, 2011 at 6:26 am

I’ve actually given up on trying to keep people from judging my cart contents, so now I just buy strange combinations of items on purpose. Like, one time in college I needed a report cover and I just KNEW some dumbass would want to talk to me about my schooling, so I also picked up a thing of rope and a value pack of condoms. No one said a fucking word.
hoodyhoo recently posted..Hoody Woos

Noa March 21, 2011 at 2:51 pm

“Yes, my report is for human sexuality. Why do you ask?”

Annie March 21, 2011 at 7:30 am

I flat out yell JUDGE ME when I go to the grocery store for a giant bottle of wine, cookies, and tampons.

you are right, you are funnier than my grandmother.

Noa March 21, 2011 at 2:51 pm

I can just hear you, “I DARE YOU, MOTHERFUCKER. MAKE MY DAY.” Oh Annie, you are delightful. Also, glad I’m funnier than your grandma.

Coco March 21, 2011 at 7:32 am

I hate the grocery store. I’d rather shave my head then go grocery shopping. That being said, why are there so many assholes at the grocery store? And why the hell do they comment on what you have? Judgemental sons of bitches.
Coco recently posted..Zombie Squirrel tries to kill Hubby

Noa March 21, 2011 at 2:50 pm

I, like you, loathe the grocery store. I believe it’s a conspiracy designed to drive me further into hermit-dom.

Abby March 21, 2011 at 10:41 am

I’ve actually written about this before, as even though I’m a 30 year old vegetarian, I used to do all the shopping for my grandma and mom. The cart was full of liver and onions, adult diapers, menopause medicine, butt ointment and beer. I got weird looks, but whatever. I get the same looks when I buy my veggies and tofu, so perhaps it’s just me.

And I almost got my white ass kicked in the store the other day when apparently I was staring at a “sister” as she yelled profanity into her cell phone while trying to get out her food stamps to pay. When asked, “What are you looking at?” I replied, “I was just thinking about how eloquently you use the English language.” I don’t think she knew what “eloquently” meant, so I was safe.

Noa March 21, 2011 at 2:49 pm

A) The fact that beer is on Grandma’s shopping list makes me smile. Beer and ass-cream. I might not be funnier than your grandma.
B) I heart you for doing that.

kaye March 21, 2011 at 10:43 am

Lmao! I can’t understand her with a dick in her mouth!!! Classic! I used to work at wal-mart…my biggest pet peeve was people just leaving their carts at the register….YOU’RE FREAKING GOING OUT THE DOOR, TAKE THE CART WITH YOU! Phew…thank goodness I got that out. Also being called “girl” I have a name, thanks.
kaye recently posted..Good Morning!

Noa March 21, 2011 at 2:48 pm

I forgot about people leaving their carts there! I’m honestly surprised you didn’t just push the carts as hard as you can so they’d smack the person right in the back of the knees. Shopping cart justice.

matt March 21, 2011 at 11:30 am

linked through the 20SB home page. Hilarious. Consider yourself added to my morning yes, boss-I’m-totally-doing-work-right-now routine.

.matt

Noa March 21, 2011 at 2:47 pm

Well, thank you matt! Glad I can contribute to the lies you tell your boss.

Rebecca March 21, 2011 at 2:19 pm

My favorite is “can you please control your children”? My response is generally one of the following:

1) Can you please control your judgmental, pathetic mouth? Oh, your kids called – they still hate you for being a grocery store Nazi.
2) No. No I can’t. Would you like some free children?
3) I’m sorry, their father passed away a few days ago, and I really needed to get them out of the house. How’s that foot taste?
4) They’re not my children. They were dropped off by gypsies on my doorstep and I’m just watching them until I can find their real mother. Hey wait – they kind of look like you!

If all else fails, I just look around in a confused fashion and say, “What kids?”

Noa March 21, 2011 at 2:47 pm

As I said before, I can hook you up with the gypsies, friend. Just say the word…

KatieTheBlogLady March 21, 2011 at 2:54 pm

I am so stealing the jazz hands, flip off, shuffle step away routine. I might even add a kick ball change and some robot noises in there somewhere.

Noa March 21, 2011 at 3:04 pm

The robot noises would really be the cherry on top. Good call.

Dear Sweet Mama March 21, 2011 at 3:34 pm

I just love you. Are you sure you aren’t one of my illegitimate children that I may have wandering around the world? A girl can’t keep track, you know.

Noa March 21, 2011 at 3:41 pm

I wish I had a witty comment to respond to this with, but it just brings up so many questions about my own identity.

hoodyhoo March 22, 2011 at 5:55 am

Yes, Internetz, it’s true — HoodyHoo’s Dear Sweet Mama may have illegitimate children she doesn’t remember having. That’s how we roll, bitches!
hoodyhoo recently posted..Hoody Woos

Noa March 22, 2011 at 1:34 pm

You’re a unique family, of which I could potentially be a part of.

elizabeth- flourish in progress March 21, 2011 at 3:40 pm

oh. i’m glad you weren’t in line behind me when i picked up two mini bottles of wine, and not wanting to look like an alkie, bought a dr. pepper as well…you know, so no one would know what i was up to. then, i talked loudly on the phone about wanting to get wasted and held up the line when i insisted on paying for my night of debauchery in pennies.
elizabeth- flourish in progress recently posted..Monday Dare- its not me- its you no- its me

Noa March 21, 2011 at 3:42 pm

*Shuffle-step SMACKDOWN* Sorry, you had it coming to you. That’ll learn you a lesson.

Noa March 21, 2011 at 3:50 pm

I’m going to reply to you twice so I no longer have an odd number of comments. Thanks.

Amanda March 21, 2011 at 10:11 pm

And that is why I refuse to shop at Walmart. That, and all of the dirty diapers left in the damned parking lot. There are trash cans all over the parking lot? Why can’t those lazy asses take the disgusting diaper to a trash can??

I pay way too much to shop in a peacefully quiet grocery store, but I consider it worth the loss of aggravation.
Amanda recently posted..I am a Neurotic Mother

Noa March 21, 2011 at 10:30 pm

When I hear at the end of my checkout, “Thanks so much Mrs. Gavin. You saved a lot today by using your club card. We’ll have these carried out for you,” at the Kosher Tom Thumb even though all I bought were Trojans and Cheerios, I know I made the right call.

AJ March 22, 2011 at 4:00 pm

I don’t get judged so much by what I buy at the store, but the hour at which I shop (midnight or later) based on what I am wearing at that hour (a mini skirt). As a waitress who works the late shift, my best opportunity to go shopping is after work. My outfit is a very short mini skirt and go-go boots (The president of the restaurant’s interpretation of what a girl who works at a 50’s diner in 2011 should be wearing.) I’m convinced people think I am a prostitute, or at the very least a stripper who happens to want oatmeal at midnight. My solution has been to leave my apron on, so people at least get the idea I’m in the service industry. Hopefully not THAT kind of service industry.
AJ recently posted..I’m not the socially inept one…

Noa March 22, 2011 at 6:54 pm

All you need is to walk in like that and buy cucumbers and vaseline. Because you are awesome.

AJ March 23, 2011 at 1:16 am

HAHAHA….Duly noted. I bought a bell pepper tonight. I will make my way up the scary food purchasing chain slowly but surely.
AJ recently posted..Twenty Something Pirate Waitress

Noa March 23, 2011 at 3:20 pm

Whoa there, tiger. Don’t get all your crazy vegetable buying all out at once.

Lynne May 17, 2011 at 11:40 am

To get even with the judgers, while you are both still perusing the aisles, pick up an item that you would totally be embarassed to be caught purchasing and have it ready to put into their cart while they’re not looking. Either they don’t notice, either, and go home with a random item or else they have to explain to the cashier why they’re purchasing peanut butter *and* a dog leash. Kind of reminds me of the Austin Powers “Swedish Penis Pump” explanation of how “that’s not mine” and “how’d that get in there.”

Noa May 17, 2011 at 8:09 pm

Excellent choice of messing with those assholes.

Lily May 17, 2011 at 11:26 pm

This happens to me ALL THE TIME when I go and buy excessive amounts of chocolate and tampons. My favourites are the looks I get when my card declines and I’m all ‘I know which one I should put back, but….’
Just found this wonderful site, you are SO funnier than my grandma. I love her but she keeps sending me photocopies of articles from her national geographic collection.

Noa December 22, 2011 at 7:28 pm

I want to hug your grandma. My grandma is rather tech-savvy, but my mom cannot do anything without, “a google.”

Mallorie December 22, 2011 at 3:31 pm

My dear friend used to give her kid this weird orgy cartoon because it was the only thing that kept him quiet while she shopped. She would give people the stink eye because you KNOW they judged her for that. She relayed this to me when I became a new mom. So what if my son carries penis lolllipops while I shop. Would you rather him scream and shit?

Noa December 22, 2011 at 7:29 pm

Do you live in Dallas? I MUST MEET THIS WOMAN.

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