I’m a Danger Magnet. This Time, Girl Scouts Were Involved.

03/06/2011 · 30 comments

in How Did My Life Come To This

You should not be my friend. I am a danger magnet. I’m a living Murphy’s Law. It’s why my middle name is Dangerballs–I know Danger, and I know balls. If it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen to me.

Car wrecks? Why, I’ve seen all manner of those!

Weird Injuries? I once dislocated and broke my wrist playing Red Goddamn Rover.

House is haunted? Bet your ghost doesn’t call your husband!

Were you once robbed? I get robbed from places I don’t even live in anymore.

Sunday was not a shining example of how awesome my life is and why you want to be me, or, at the very least, have sex with me. Beyond the sinus infection I woke up with and the leaf-blowing taking place outside for the 4th time this week at 7 am, the real crown on the leader of the parade was the house fire.

My third house fire.

Adrian: Pause the movie. Do you smell that?

Me: No. Wait. Is that burn-y?

Adrian: I think so. What the fuck is on fire?

Me: Is the cat on fire?

Adrian: The cat? What is wrong with you? No, the cat is not on fire.

Me: Remember when he set his whiskers on fire? It’s a legit question. Is it the DVR? This one’s been all way-too-hot lately.

Adrian: (sniffing DVR) No.

Me: Maybe the breaker box? That one breaker keeps popping whenever you shave.

Adrian: (sniffing breaker box) No…why hasn’t maintenance fixed that?

Me: The heater, maybe? The shower leaks water into the heater.

Adrian: FOR HOW LONG? Why has this not been repaired?

*EARTH FUCKING SHAKING BOOM, FOLLOWED BY SOME SMOKE*

Turns out, it was the heater. And it filled me a combination of delight and horror to watch the maintenance man hit the dirt when he turned on the heater to test it, and flames shot at his face. It filled me with even more delight to watch him unplug it, pull the motor out and say, “We’ll be by with new one tomorrow evening.” In retrospect, laughing on the stairs at his near-death and shouting, “I COULDA TOLD YOU THAT WAS A FUCKING TERRIBLE IDEA, A-HOLE,” was a bad call.

To sate your fears (and my sister’s, who is only hearing about this for the first time through this post) nothing of mine burned this time. It’s all a tad smoky, but we’re all fine.

When I told Liz about it on Twitter, it inexplicably devolved into me and Porchy O’Cracksmack (my porch dwelling crack whore) lighting girl scouts on fire as a business plan. Not literally. Just, you know, in the line of storytelling.

I don’t actually want to light girl scouts on fire.

But I might threaten them with flames to get free cookies.

I’m not above threatening children for food.

—-

What are you a magnet for?

hoodyhoo March 7, 2011 at 6:08 am

Girl Scouts are unfortunately not flammable, being made out of asbestos as they are. And it sounds like your maintenance guy may be the reincarnation of my Now-Deceased Evil Landlord… who did not see the problem when water leaked from the White Trash Meth-Head Vampires’ apartment upstairs INTO MY BATHROOM LIGHT. What? Water is bad for electrical equipment? The shit you say!
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Noa March 7, 2011 at 12:14 pm

Truly, Hoody, you have reduced me to state in which I have no words. That doesn’t happen a lot.

Grace March 7, 2011 at 9:42 am

Really, really bitch. It would’a been nice to recieve a phone call about said “fire” rather than read about such events on your damn blog. But, to be fair after the week from hell I just wrapped up and week from Hades part duex I am facing, I probably woudn’t have answered my phone. I am nearing exhaustion and a mental breakdown. Call me later and I’ll tell you about my exhaustion induced stupor Saturday night. A product of napping over the ramblings of Ancient Aliens on the History Channel. Sadie is now scared of me.

Also, don’t post about Toby setting himself on fire, this concerns me for your fur kid parenting ability.

Noa March 7, 2011 at 12:15 pm

HE SET HIMSELF ON FIRE–I didn’t light him up or anything. And he’s fine, now that his whiskers have grown back and he has his balance again.

elizabeth- flourish in progress March 7, 2011 at 3:39 pm

grace, it was all my fault. i convinced noa that she shouldn’t tell you. i’m a bad influence. but, you know, it’s hard to hear about your sis getting into her third fire. if you think about it….what was the common factor in each of the fires? noa, that’s what. i didn’t want you to become suspicious. because i am. just kidding. i swear.
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Noa March 7, 2011 at 5:25 pm

Go ahead, blame it all on me. THAT’S ALL YOU DO ANYWAY–IT’S ALWAYS MY FAULT.

hoodyhoo March 8, 2011 at 6:06 am

in your defense, I also used to have a cat who set herself on fire by sleeping on the stove huffing gas. We were always afraid to take her to the vet because of all the little scorch marks…
hoodyhoo recently posted..Sharing Is NOT Caring

Noa March 8, 2011 at 1:51 pm

You have an awesome life.

Abby March 7, 2011 at 11:31 am

Whenever I warm up a cup of tea or my lunch, I become a magnet for every annoying employee to come ask me completely ridiculous and irrelevant questions.

Noa March 7, 2011 at 12:17 pm

“Abby, are girl scouts made of asbestos?”
“Abby, what’s the post-it note protocol?”
“Abby, does this look like a boil to you?”

Oh, good times. I’ll now spend all day thinking of annoying questions to ask.

Rebecca March 7, 2011 at 12:50 pm

Crazy bitches. I am a magnet for crazy bitches. In all forms. Including (but not limited to): The Possessive, give-me-your-phone-because-you’ve-been-out-of-my-sight-for-more-than-two-minutes-and-I-want-to-check-your-texts crazy bitch; The Clingy, but-WHY-do-you-need-to-go-to-the-bathroom-alone-you-don’t-love-me-anymore crazy bitch; The Tally-er, I’ve-said-I-love-you-seventeen-times-this-morning-and-you-only-said-it-twice-I-think-we-need-to-go-to-therapy crazy bitch; and my all-time-favorite–The Punisher, no-I-don’t-know-how-your-sweater-got-cut-into-tiny-pieces-and-by-the-way-I-heard-you-had-a-drink-with-my-ex-lat-night crazy bitch. *Sigh* My wife seems so normal, given the history, no?

Noa March 7, 2011 at 2:14 pm

Oh my god. I’ll never look at her the same way again. She’s spectacular.

kaye March 7, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Wow. You are a magnet.
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Noa March 7, 2011 at 2:15 pm

Yep. Be glad I won’t be in Dallas that weekend. I’m dangerous.

elizabeth- flourish in progress March 7, 2011 at 3:41 pm

i’m so proud to know you right now. you have one of the most adventurous, exciting lives of anyone i know. would i survive your life? no, ma’am, seeing as how i ran into a wall yesterday for no good reason. only you could come out of these situations with flying colors. glad everyone is okay.
elizabeth- flourish in progress recently posted..Monday Dare and giveaway- Shark Bait

Noa March 7, 2011 at 5:25 pm

We have awesome lives. I set shit on fire, you run into things. We are spectacular people who have only managed to survive to today because of sheer dumb luck.

KatieTheBlogLady March 7, 2011 at 3:58 pm

I’d like to share who I am a magnet to. And the answer is – to people who try to burn down their houses, apparentlah. I married one of them and I’m single white female-ing yo ass right now.

P.S. I love the shirt you’re wearing today! So cute!

Noa March 7, 2011 at 5:26 pm

I said get off my porch. I’m trying to lure girl scouts here.

Norway June 13, 2011 at 1:01 am

You’re like a venus fly trap for the little cookie machines! If I came by selling cookies, I’d totally fall for it. Hook, line, and oh-so-hilarious sinker.
Just remember not to set the cookies on fire in the process.

Noa June 14, 2011 at 4:37 pm

No guarantees about the cookies.

Norway June 14, 2011 at 5:46 pm

Can you at least save the Thin Mints?

SassyO March 7, 2011 at 4:04 pm

I am a magnet for computers that blow up, crash, cease to function, and otherwise baffle Tech Support guys. If I had a new computer for every time I’ve heard some overweight, bearded geek say, “wow, we’ve never seen a machine do THAT before,” I could rival Microsoft.

Noa March 7, 2011 at 5:27 pm

Spectacular. You know you’ve really done a good job when the geeks can’t solve your issues. You must have incredible talent.

SassyO March 8, 2011 at 7:32 am

It’s a gift.

Amanda March 7, 2011 at 9:50 pm

I’m a magnet for people who will be insulted and offended by my verbal diarrhea. I’m pretty sure it’s them being too sensitive though.
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Noa March 8, 2011 at 1:50 pm

Are you sure your name isn’t Noa Gavin?

The Barreness March 10, 2011 at 10:49 am

I just wanted to set my Girl Scout Leader on fire, who once told me I’d be “lucky to find a man who would tolerate my bull headedness”.

I’m fairly certain her vagina has actually grown over.

Mine, though?

Not. Grown over.

– B x
The Barreness recently posted..Adoration- sore knees and Flo Rida

Noa March 10, 2011 at 4:41 pm

Um, wow. My girl scout leader just insulted the painted butterfly I made once. She was a bitch, but she damn sure didn’t insult my future. But hey, yeah, you still have your vagina, so you win.

Ashley Z December 13, 2011 at 11:12 am

Injuries…..I used to be a ballerina, competitive figure skater, and skier. My injuries include (but are not limited to) 4 ACL tears, 5 knee surgeries related, fractured collar bone (age 4, fell out of my bed), fractured forearm (age 10, slipped on black ice), fractured tibia (age 17?, related to ACL injury), fractured tail bone…twice (something involving ice), sprained ankles/wrists/fucked up shoulders etc. This is why I only do yoga now. Jesus.

Noa December 19, 2011 at 12:47 am

And it’s why I don’t work out at all.

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