Adrian’s Storage Habits Are Tearing This Family Apart

03/27/2011 · 22 comments

in Adrian, How Did My Life Come To This, I'm A Terrible Person, My Family Is Strikingly Odd., Psychological Warfare

This conversation takes place while I sit under the stairs in our old apartment.

Me: “What is this? Why do we own this?”

Adrian: “Balsa wood.”

Me: “Okay. Care to expand upon that?”

Adrian: “For architecture.”

Me: “WHY DO WE STILL HAVE IT. You’re no longer making models. That was 8 years ago.”

Adrian: “It could still prove useful in the future.”

Me: “For making a shoddy, unstable couch? For repairing the roof for a half an hour? Maybe you can craft a box to store all your packrat things in.”

Adrian: “Shut it. We’re not throwing it out.”

Me: “Fine. Can we donate this computer that’s been under the stairs for 2 years?”

Adrian: “No. I might need it in the future.”

Me: “Did you even know it was under here?”

Adrian: “No.”

Me: “Okay—then it’s getting donated. What…why are there three old alarm clocks in this box?”

Adrian: “We could use them.”

Me: “This one does not have a cord. No, we cannot use them.”

Adrian: “You’re just throwing everything out because you don’t want to move it.”

Me: “I refuse to move that which you DO NOT EVEN REMEMBER YOU OWN. What in the Hell is this?”

Adrian: “It’s my lap desk.”

Me: “From when?”

Adrian: “Second grade.”

Me: “You’re thirty. Jesus Christ on a bicycle, Adrian, you’re a hoarder. I’m going to call TLC, and we’ll make a show about how you’re ruining our lives.”

Adrian: “I’m not a hoarder. All of these things have sentimental value.”

Me: “Three alarm clocks is sentimental?”

Adrian: “Yeah. Sentimental. Because I once owned them, and could use them in the future.”

Me: “You just described hoarding.”

Adrian: “WE’RE KEEPING ALL OF IT.”

To save us on therapy bills, I have begun the process of slowly throwing things out. Thus far, he hasn’t missed anything.

I’m really in need of a good laugh right now. Got any funny moving stories?

hoodyhoo March 28, 2011 at 6:50 am

the best thing I ever did was when I finally broke down and hired strapping young men to move all my crap instead of schlepping it myself. I still had to pack it, because no one else can be trusted, but the boys CARRIED all of it — SWEET! Then all I had to do was deal with the questions — “Is that ANOTHER box of books?” (Yes, there are 38 of them.) “Are those MORE SHOES?” (Shaddup, DON’T YOU JUDGE ME!)
hoodyhoo recently posted..This Could Get Ugly…

Noa March 29, 2011 at 3:02 pm

My movers (AKA Adrian and a friend of ours) were delighted to see that while we did not have many boxes to move, I did have them shoved fucking full. “Noa, does this one say stupid heavy?” “Jesus Christ, this one is labeled Biblically heavy.”

You’d think they might appreciate that shit.

hoodyhoo March 30, 2011 at 6:01 am

hey, you WARNED them — those labels were important safety tips!
hoodyhoo recently posted..Carlos Me Pone Triste

Noa March 30, 2011 at 5:16 pm

Yes. I win again.

SassyO March 28, 2011 at 7:02 am

When I got married, I moved into the house my husband had bought. But after a few years, I realized we needed less of the bizarre, asymmetrical open architecture and a more traditional layout. Loving our neighborhood, we put a bid on the house across the street.

Since my (now Ex) husband was a stubborn ol’ coot, he decided nothing would do but we would move everything OURSELVES. No moving trucks, just a couple of dollies.

I suddenly remembered a needed to take a business trip for work, helpfully located in my hometown, where I could stay with my parents and get free food and wine. Missed the move entirely…

Noa March 29, 2011 at 3:00 pm

Lucky….
I’ve fought and fought and fought for movers for YEARS now. After this move up 33 floors, Adrian looked at me and said, “Yeah. Movers next time, this was bullshit.”

I’m grateful to know that this statement alone pretty much saved my marriage.

Rebecca March 28, 2011 at 11:24 am

No funny moving stories (mainly because it’s just too painful to revisit), but my friend Kristen had a great idea regarding the “Hoarders” show. See, she has the same horrible-bedside-manner-when-it-comes-to-whiny-asses that we do, and she suggested a different approach. Instead of walking them through their little emotions and crises, giving them therapy and talking about what happened to them when they were a child that now makes them desperately need every one of those 452 plastic coke bottle lids, we rename the show “We Burned Your Shit.” We send them on a nice little weekend vacation, take all their shit in the front yard and burn it, and then when they come home, we all jump up and say “We burned your shit! You’re welcome!” Problem solved.

Noa March 29, 2011 at 2:59 pm

As someone who’s been through 2 total-loss housefires of her own, I can tell you that burning is the most effective clutter reducer ever.

Dear Sweet Mama March 28, 2011 at 12:51 pm

I loved the time the concubine and I helped move little Hoody from one beat up ol house to another. How many boxes of National Geographic did your Dear Sweet Dead Gramma leave you? And I think the concubine learned you do not move a big empty plastic trash can by people holding it on top of the car with their hands out the window. Of course, peeing the pants laughing – priceless.

hoodyhoo March 29, 2011 at 6:15 am

yeah, YOU think the trash can thing is funny… MY shoulder is still out of socket! And I still have those National Geographics, they’re an INVESTMENT.
hoodyhoo recently posted..This Could Get Ugly…

Noa March 29, 2011 at 2:58 pm

I just pictured you sailing out of a window with a trashcan as your parachute. Best. Day. Ever.

Noa March 29, 2011 at 2:58 pm

Wait, you might actually be my family. My sister in law has the better part of her basement full of inherited national geographics.

hoodyhoo March 30, 2011 at 6:02 am

Does she have the Pompeii issue from the eighties? It’s my favorite.
hoodyhoo recently posted..Carlos Me Pone Triste

Noa March 30, 2011 at 5:16 pm

I’ll have to venture in to the stacks. I might not live.

Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up) March 28, 2011 at 3:46 pm

I don’t usually have this problem because I just throw away everything that annoys me, even if it’s my husbands. It bugs him but we have been married 24 years today so apparently it’s not a deal breaker. My advice? Stop asking and start tossing..
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Noa March 29, 2011 at 2:55 pm

That’s really excellent advice, that I will put into use ASAP. “It pissed me off. I thew it away. Don’t cry like a bitch now.”

elizabeth- flourish in progress March 28, 2011 at 4:16 pm

In one of the 20 moves I’ve endured through my lifetime, my family was packing up the last remaining odds and ends in garbage bags since we had run out of moving boxes. My mom went to the new house to direct the movers and my dad was left behind to bring over the remaining stuff. Except….no one informed him that the garbage bags were not full of garbage. He threw it all away. Which would have been fine had we noticed right away, but in the chaos of the move, my mom didn’t notice for weeks that her nice church shoes and handbag were missing, and by then it was too fucking late. Way to go, dad.
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Noa March 29, 2011 at 2:54 pm

That’s a hell of a way to say, “FUCK YOU AND YOUR SHIT.”

Kernut the Blond March 29, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Oh no Noa. You’ve got an uphill battle. The best way is to do what you’re doing – clearing on the sly. He’ll never know.

Moving is good for the soul – it’s cathartic to clear out the clutter. While I do small groups of donations throughout the year, I’ve still got a LOT of stuff. I’ve been in my current place about 6 years and it’s time for a move. Nothing clears the clutter better than the knowledge you’re going to have to lift, carry, and restore some item.

Noa March 29, 2011 at 2:49 pm

I HATE clutter-I’d rather pay big bucks for storage than have it anywhere around my house. Every time we move, we keep leaving more and more behind–one day, I’ll only have exactly what I need.

iampisspot October 13, 2011 at 5:49 am

In the midst of a move, I managed to throw out the wedding rings belonging to my Mum and Dad (my Mum sadly passed, so the rings were really dear to me).

How the fuck did I manage that? I never forgave myself. I secretly hope they’ll turn up one day…
iampisspot recently posted..The blog post where I discuss my severe fear of E.T.

Noa October 15, 2011 at 1:45 pm

Oh no…that’s so sad. I’m sorry. I can sadly say that 2 housefires has left me without a significant portion of precious belongings, but the few that I have I’ve boxed separately because I know I’d do the same thing.

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