Letters to Insufferable Members of Society

02/28/2011 · 19 comments

in Letters to Insufferable Members of Society, What Is Wrong With You?

Dear People Who Have Specific And Entirely Separate Wardrobes for Vacations,

You make my brain hurt in ways it’s difficult for Michio Kaku to comprehend, and that sombitch is a theoretical physicist. He comprehends even the heat distribution theories of hot pockets. That’s fucking incredible.

The simple fact that you have your wardrobe parceled out in such a manner makes my OCD look like a minor annoyance. What you do could also be considered a warning sign of hoarding. (These two combining factors plus a physical deformity means a show on TLC, so at least you have that small comfort).

If you can’t wear around your neighborhood Wal-Mart what you wear on vacation, then it’s not fit for human eyeballs to see. That’s not setting the bar really high. If you aren’t comfortable going to Wal-Mart in it, why is it okay for Waikiki? I could wear one flip-flop, a slice of bologna, and a grass skirt made of giant dildos, and no one in Wal-Mart would even blink. But you won’t unfold your shit for less than Vail. Fuck you to death.

I know what you’re thinking here, Fuckationer, “When in Rome…”

You know what? In my entire time in Hawaii, I only saw pale sweaty white guys wearing Hawaiian print. Do true Hawaiians wear it, or even white people who live in Hawaii? Nope. Just you, douchenozzle from Milwaukee. Hawaiians dress like ordinary people, not like spray-tanned assholes.

The quickest way to tell you’re not from ’round here on the ski slopes:

  • Are you in jeans and a cowboy hat?
  • Are you wearing a velour sweatsuit?
  • Is the date you last wore your ski suit more than 10 years prior to today?
  • Can I comfortably describe what you’re wearing using the words, “overall,” “snow-verall,” or any variation therein?

Then don’t fucking wear it, lest you anger the Gods of Snow who release the Yeti during such an atrocity. Those Yeti don’t discriminate–they’ll kill us all in the most horrific manner because of your Vacation Clothes. Nobody likes a murderer.

Don’t dress like an Aborigine. Don’t wear Lederhosen. Don’t show up in Tokyo in a kimono. And, Sweet Jesus, don’t wear jorts. Even in America, they’re never ok.

I pray you, for your sanity and for my own, stop. Go to your closet. If you have a box marked Vacation Clothes, drag it to your front yard. Find anything in your home that’s flammable, set it on top, and toss a match on that ho. You’ll thank me one day, little Fuckationer.


Noa D. Gavin

What’s the worst fashion choice you’ve ever seen someone make on a vacation?

hoodyhoo February 28, 2011 at 6:20 am

I have to admit, I have a shirt that I only wear on vacation, but it’s not my fault. You see, Dear Sweet Mama thought it would be a wonderful idea for herself, the Concubine, and I to all have matching “Girls on a Jaunt” shirts… and so we do. I only wear it when I’m forced to. There’s also earrings. Yeah, earrings.
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Noa February 28, 2011 at 8:52 pm

I replied to this way earlier, but wordpress apparently didn’t feel like posting it. Bitches. I’m concerned by the fact that there are earrings involved in the outfit. That’s highly disturbing but mostly fucking hilarious.

Dear Sweet Mama February 28, 2011 at 9:23 am

Now, those shirts were cute, girl!! And has anybody ever asked you if you were in a band before? So, there. And I wear those earrings a lot – especially to church, when I wish I was on vacation. And what about those fine 4th of July hats your Aunt Nancy gave us? Ima seeing a trend, here. Obviously we do have clothes we only wear on vacation but it is because it is so COOL!!

Noa February 28, 2011 at 1:12 pm

I once got asked if I was in a blue grass band when I was in a Home Depot. It was not a compliment. I’m worried, DSM, so worried.

hoodyhoo March 1, 2011 at 6:48 am

you see why I am like I am?
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Little Miss Gonnabe February 28, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Uh, is it ok if I wear my Hawaiian shirt around the house at home? I would never take it on holiday… It doesn’t deserve it.

Noa February 28, 2011 at 1:30 pm

Hey-what you do in your own home is up to you! You could wear nothing but band-aids in your house, and I wouldn’t blink. It’s good that you know that your Hawaiian shirt has it’s place.

elizabeth- flourish in progress February 28, 2011 at 1:37 pm

wait, wait just a minute. what is this i see about jorts? and cowboy hats? so when you saw me for the first time in texas, and i came “dressed to impress” in my jorts and cowboy boots and blue bandanna with a “yee haw” on the front, why did you tell me i would fuckalicious?

this just doesn’t seem right. you tell me i look good only to find out that i’m a fuckationer to you. hey guess what, i still love you. you can’t rid of me that easily. NICE TRY, HO.
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Noa February 28, 2011 at 8:33 pm

Because you’re tiny and adorable, and you were so wanting to get in my pants that I couldn’t possibly tell you how flat-out ridiculous you looked. Now you know.

Amanda February 28, 2011 at 8:40 pm

What are jorts???
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Noa February 28, 2011 at 8:50 pm

Jean Shorts. They’re terrible.

Amanda February 28, 2011 at 9:11 pm

Damn. You’d hate half my wardrobe! At least wait until I’ve passed before you make fun of me in public.
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Noa February 28, 2011 at 9:25 pm

No problem.

Heather in MT February 28, 2011 at 10:47 pm

You pretty much described how I dress for each season here…. I do buy from the local thrift stores so maybe I’m actually buying fuckationer’s rejects…. I need help.

Noa March 1, 2011 at 12:23 pm

Heather. Put down the velour palazzo pants. Put them down slow-like, and nobody will get hurt.

Kernut the Blond March 1, 2011 at 1:38 pm

I learned a new word today- jorts.

And that’s it’s wrong to wear a cowboy hat on the ski slopes. Awesome. I mean, I knew that.
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Noa March 1, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Go forth and use your new word for good…

emmysuh May 19, 2011 at 11:06 am

When I was in Germany, I played a game I lovingly called, Count the Number of Full Grown Men Wearing Manpris aka Man Capris. When I got to 11 in a half hour, I decided it was TOOOOO easy.

Noa May 19, 2011 at 4:19 pm

What is with the Manpris? It’s like the evolution of the thug short into a dodobird. Dear god I hate them.

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