The ability to craft has consistently always been lost on me. I can make a cake or two, but real, honest-to-badger crafting and decorating fucking eludes me.
Do you make DIY picture frames? YOU’RE A WIZARD. Oh, you made that chandelier yourself? ARE YOU JESUS? All of your furniture is handmade Steam Punk couture? YOU ARE JESUS. THERE IS NO DOUBT.
In an effort to teach myself to be craftier, I turned to Google, which led me to Instructables.
A great premise for a website-other people craft, and then show you how to do said craft! Hooray! I can follow steps!
It started out really well. (To see how to make any of these, click on the pictures)
1. Doorknob Bookshelf Legs: Oh, those are so pretty…
2. Lasercut Laptop Tattoo: That’s just fucking cool. I wonder what I could do with my Mac?
But it wasn’t long before I found some stranger choices in crafting.
3. Adult Johnny Jumper: What? Like the baby jumpers? This is described as great for use for handicapped persons, but I can’t possibly imagine that anyone, handicapped or not, would NOT feel absurd in this hellish contraption.
4. Beach Rock Candle Holder: This is no more a candle holder than my carpet is a bed holder.
Then it went from, “Hrm. I don’t know if that particular craft is a good use of my time,” straight to, “Jesus Christ on a Bicycle.”
5. DIY Tray From Ice Cream Sticks: Who hasn’t made one of these? I think I have a Girl Scout Badge for one of these. This does not warrant its own Instructables entry.
6. Christmas Ribbon Garland: Again, thanks for showing me how to glue two things together. You’ve been a lifesaver in my abundance of things not held together to things it’s similar to with glue. Fuck me running.
7. Turn a Bottle Into A Match Holder: You may be saying to yourself, “WHOA THERE, PARDNER, I don’t know ’bout gluin’ no stuff together.” I’ve now made it easier for you to craft. Put things in things. BAM. CRAFTY.
8. A Cross to Mark A Grave: The original description on this is really superb-he’ll stop at nothing to sell this to you. “Problem: A loved one has gone and died on you. All the usual offices have been performed, and the mortal remains have been laid to rest. But, for whatever reason, there’s no headstone yet. You want the grave marked, and fast! Solution: Some deckboard fished out of a skip, fashioned into a cross, and tricked out with a strip of tile for the inscription.”
I never in my life A) Needed an emergency headstone, B) Known what a Skip is, and C) Used the words tricked out and grave marker in the same sentence.
And then, I saw it.
Like a craft from Heaven. It was just so magical.
9. The Urine Snow Globe: I. Just…What? What in the Hell is going on here? You simply must not miss the description on this one–this guy made it as a souvenir for his family after a hospital visit. Why do you need a souvenir? Was it particularly memorable? Why did you think your mom would want to shake around your piss all day in remembrance of you? Why is there a Lego man in it? Did you at least glue the cap on so when I move I don’t get piss all over my wedding photos?
Oh God. If this is what crafting is all about, fuck crafting. I want no part of piss.
Got any craftacular fuck-up stories?
Comment of the Day:
The comments y’all have today are fucking priceless. I haven’t stopped laughing all damn day. But this one, brought to you by Katie the Blog Lady, is just fucking awesome.
“I really think the Adult Johnny Jumper has a good thing going. With a few minor modifications it could be turned into a great adult indoor bouncer. Just add an activity center where you can store your remote, beers and mommy issues. And a retractable design for easy storage. Market it as exercise equipment on QVC. Bam, you’re rich. I shouldn’t have given all that away, huh?”