I May Not Be Crafty, But At Least I’m Not A Douche McGouche

02/20/2011 · 25 comments

in I Want This., I'm A Terrible Person, What Is Wrong With You?

Since I work from home now, I’ve gotten a hankerin’ to be more crafty. Mostly because I read too many blogs that feature crafty-type things in them, like Epbot.

The ability to craft has consistently always been lost on me. I can make a cake or two, but real, honest-to-badger crafting and decorating fucking eludes me.

Do you make DIY picture frames? YOU’RE A WIZARD. Oh, you made that chandelier yourself? ARE YOU JESUS? All of your furniture is handmade Steam Punk couture? YOU ARE JESUS. THERE IS NO DOUBT.

In an effort to teach myself to be craftier, I turned to Google, which led me to Instructables.

A great premise for a website-other people craft, and then show you how to do said craft! Hooray! I can follow steps!

It started out really well. (To see how to make any of these, click on the pictures)

1. Doorknob Bookshelf Legs: Oh, those are so pretty…

2. Lasercut Laptop Tattoo: That’s just fucking cool. I wonder what I could do with my Mac?

But it wasn’t long before I found some stranger choices in crafting.

3. Adult Johnny Jumper: What? Like the baby jumpers? This is described as great for use for handicapped persons, but I can’t possibly imagine that anyone, handicapped or not, would NOT feel absurd in this hellish contraption.

This is baffling. Also, overalls.

4. Beach Rock Candle Holder: This is no more a candle holder than my carpet is a bed holder.

I'm pathetic.

Then it went from, “Hrm. I don’t know if that particular craft is a good use of my time,” straight to, “Jesus Christ on a Bicycle.”

5. DIY Tray From Ice Cream Sticks: Who hasn’t made one of these? I think I have a Girl Scout Badge for one of these. This does not warrant its own Instructables entry.

I had no idea how to stack things. Thank God I found this.

6. Christmas Ribbon Garland: Again, thanks for showing me how to glue two things together. You’ve been a lifesaver in my abundance of things not held together to things it’s similar to with glue. Fuck me running.

Sad Face.

7. Turn a Bottle Into A Match Holder: You may be saying to yourself, “WHOA THERE, PARDNER, I don’t know ’bout gluin’ no stuff together.” I’ve now made it easier for you to craft. Put things in things. BAM. CRAFTY.

This is fucking magical.

8. A Cross to Mark A Grave: The original description on this is really superb-he’ll stop at nothing to sell this to you. “Problem: A loved one has gone and died on you. All the usual offices have been performed, and the mortal remains have been laid to rest. But, for whatever reason, there’s no headstone yet. You want the grave marked, and fast! Solution: Some deckboard fished out of a skip, fashioned into a cross, and tricked out with a strip of tile for the inscription.”

I never in my life A) Needed an emergency headstone, B) Known what a Skip is, and C) Used the words tricked out and grave marker in the same sentence.

Let's play Oregon Trail for real. Sorry, Ma, you have Dysentery.

And then, I saw it.

Like a craft from Heaven. It was just so magical.

9. The Urine Snow Globe: I. Just…What? What in the Hell is going on here? You simply must not miss the description on this one–this guy made it as a souvenir for his family after a hospital visit. Why do you need a souvenir? Was it particularly memorable? Why did you think your mom would want to shake around your piss all day in remembrance of you? Why is there a Lego man in it? Did you at least glue the cap on so when I move I don’t get piss all over my wedding photos?

Merry Christmas, Grace! Here's my piss.

Oh God. If this is what crafting is all about, fuck crafting. I want no part of piss.

Got any craftacular fuck-up stories?

Comment of the Day:

The comments y’all have today are fucking priceless. I haven’t stopped laughing all damn day. But this one, brought to you by Katie the Blog Lady, is just fucking awesome.

“I really think the Adult Johnny Jumper has a good thing going. With a few minor modifications it could be turned into a great adult indoor bouncer. Just add an activity center where you can store your remote, beers and mommy issues. And a retractable design for easy storage. Market it as exercise equipment on QVC. Bam, you’re rich. I shouldn’t have given all that away, huh?”

Brandi February 21, 2011 at 5:51 am

O.K., so that johnny jump up thing…I kind of want one. No, I would never want any one to SEE me using it, but I’d use it if I had one.

Noa February 21, 2011 at 2:53 pm

I think, at our core, we all want one. But we’re relegated to staring, sadly, wanting more bounce in our lives.

hoodyhoo February 21, 2011 at 6:27 am

I think you read it wrong — the Adult Johnny Jump is not FOR the handicapped, it’s how you GET handicapped. Then you can go to the hospital and make everyone a snowglobe of your piss.

Noa February 21, 2011 at 2:52 pm

Or, if you happen to die, I can quickly make you a gravemarker. BAM! Instructables for the win.

Dear Sweet Mama February 21, 2011 at 8:42 am

I want that Adult Johnny Jump – Hoody – pay attention. Your mama wants that for her birthday.

Noa February 21, 2011 at 2:51 pm

I want a picture of that when it occurs.

hoodyhoo February 22, 2011 at 6:01 am

don’t worry, just ask the nice officer for a copy of “State’s Exhibit A.”

Noa February 22, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Does he get to use it during trial? Cause that would be the best trial ever.

christine February 21, 2011 at 9:48 am

i laughed so hard i cried. fuck me running indeed

Noa February 21, 2011 at 2:51 pm

So glad you liked it! But it’s rather difficult to fuck running in a johnny jumper. Just sayin’.

elizabeth- flourish in progress February 21, 2011 at 4:54 pm

your sad face caption was priceless. but don’t try to hide it, i know you love that shit.=)

three years ago, i attempted to make a scrapbook for Harv’s 30th birthday. I’m uh, still working on it. Because, really, who needs a 30th birthday gift ON their 30th birthday. It had more meaning if you give it to them on their 37th birthday, no?

Noa February 21, 2011 at 7:01 pm

You’re just taking your time, making sure it gets put together the best way possible. I see no issues.

KatieTheBlogLady February 21, 2011 at 6:42 pm

I really think the Adult Johnny Jumper has a good thing going. With a few minor modifications it could be turned into a great adult indoor bouncer. Just add an activity center where you can store your remote, beers and mommy issues. And a retractable design for easy storage. Market it as exercise equipment on QVC. Bam, you’re rich. I shouldn’t have given all that away, huh?

Noa February 21, 2011 at 7:02 pm

Hooolllyyy shit…hoo…hahaha. Oh my God, I can’t stop laughing.

Also, I’ve totally cut you out of my QVC deal. Sorry, ho.

KatieTheBlogLady February 21, 2011 at 11:07 pm


Noa February 21, 2011 at 11:14 pm

Hey, you got comment of the day. It’s the little victories, and not the major moneymaking game-changers, right?

Debora February 21, 2011 at 7:17 pm

If I had a Johnny Jumper I would totally use it instead of the chair at my computer desk. Internet AND exercise — I see no downside!

Noa February 21, 2011 at 7:24 pm

You know-that sounds like an excellent idea. Until the 45th time I slam my patella into my table.

Norway June 14, 2011 at 9:29 pm

Am I the only one who desperately wants to drop a LIT match in the bottle of matches?
Especially if it was, say, a just-emptied vodka bottle. Stand back folks. Don’t try this at home.

Noa June 15, 2011 at 3:12 pm

That would be fantastic to see.

Steve D September 20, 2011 at 9:10 pm

I know this is way late but gotta share it. My folks were into all kinds of crafting and did a lot of plastic resin casting. One day my sister was going to throw out a dried out nail polish bottle. I took it, whipped up a batch of red resin, poured it on a sheet of wax paper, and put the bottle in the puddle with the top separated so it looked like a spill. Then, when it was nice and hard, I put it on our new dining room table. My Mom went BALLISTIC! She was frantically hunting for a rag to mop it up. Then, when she picked up the bottle and the whole thing came up… Well, if looks could kill.

I was a mean widdle kid.

Noa October 3, 2011 at 6:37 pm

You were pretty fucking smart is what you were.

Harrison January 16, 2012 at 12:17 am

The bottle one reminded me if when I was 5, took a half full vodka bottle and stuffed it with flammable objects, (I.e. matches & tissue paper) then gave it to my dad and told him it was a bomb to use in self-defense. Needless to say, it disappeared the next day.

Noa January 19, 2012 at 2:16 am

Newest craft trend: Stuff christmas lights in a wine bottle. CRAFTS.

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