Historically, Adrian and I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day, because there’s not much to celebrate. Also, because it’s when I found out I was very allergic to roses.
Every year, I know we’re not doing anything, but every year, I also find myself itching for some Valentine-y Closeness (not including rose allergy.) And every year, I try some bullshit that backfires and I realize why it’s never worth it.
I go through the same mental battle over children. I’ll watch a Hallmark commercial and envision an adorable little girl sitting on Adrian’s lap as he reads her a story, and then I go to the grocery store where I witness a screaming child lock himself in the freezer. BAM. I no longer want children.
I was watching Newlywed Show clips on YouTube when the idea struck me.
Me: “Adrian, what color are my eyes?”
So far, so good. I was encouraged.
Me: “What’s my favorite movie?”
Adrian: “(2 minute pause) Steel Magnolias.”
A bit delayed, but right nonetheless. But anyone can get those right–I wanted to see just how well he knew me. I came up with this list of questions to test his knowledge of his wife.
1. What is the airspeed velocity of a laden swallow?
- Adrian said: “African or European?”
- Real Answer: Depends on the type of swallow. ONE RIGHT!
2. Given the chance to never be caught, who is the one person I would stab repeatedly?
- Adrian said: “Dave Matthews.”
- Real Answer: Kevin Costner. Wrong, but Dave’s a close second.
3. Why was I kicked out of Christopher and Banks that one time?
- Adrian said: “Could be anything, really. But probably because you were fucking around with your sister.”
- Real Answer: For talking about Nuns having anal sex. Good guess, Adrian. Wrong, but a good guess.
4. What am I most afraid of?
- Adrian said: “Butterflies.”
- Real Answer: Velvet Butterflies. Eh, I’ll give it to you. TWO RIGHT!
5. Finish this phrase, “I remember it all very well looking back, __________________.”
- Adrian said: “Thinking there’s no way our house could burn down a second time, but it did.”
- Real Answer: “It was the summer I turned 18.” From my favorite song, Fancy by Reba McEntire. That’s not even kind of close.
6. What is my #1 Pet Peeve?
- Adrian said: “People misusing the words Literally or Actually.”
- Real Answer: The words Libarry and Fusstrated. Those are Grace’s Pet Peeves. Do you even know me?
7. Name one person on my 5 Freebie List.
- Adrian said: “Um…Jon Stewart.”
- Real Answer: Peter Forsberg, Val Kilmer in Batman but not now cause he’s gross and bitter, Isaiah Mustafa, Prince Harry, Daniel Radcliffe. What? Jon Stewart? You just picked out a name I once said today and hoped I wanted to sleep with him.
8. What is my favorite joke?
- Adrian said: “That’s what she said.”
- Real Answer: Interrupting Cow. That’s not even a joke, Fucker. I’m just telling it like it is. She really said all of those things that I said she did.
9. If I could have any superpower, what would I choose?
- Adrian said: “I know we’ve talked about this. Hmmmm….controlling people with your mind.”
- Real Answer: Telekinesis. Absolutely Telekinesis. I already do that to you, with my boobies. I don’t need that power.
10. What was I doing when I got the largest scar I have?
- Adrian said: “Sliding down the rocks in the river after your shoes.”
- Answer: The Cotton Eye Joe. I have shown you that scar about 100 times and told you specifically that it was from the Cotton Eye Joe.
“You got 20% of the questions correct. 20. Percent. It’s like you’ve never met me before. These weren’t even hard questions.”
“Hey, 20% is good. I got some of them.”
“Well, Sir, clearly your standards for living are awfully high, and therefore fully justify the shitty answers you gave.” My angry tirade immediately led him to come up with questions of his own, because vengeance and bitter spite is how we solve problems in our house.
1. What is my favorite airplane?
- I said, “Corsair.”
- Real Answer: SR71. The Corsair is my favorite WWII Airplane. Motherfucker. Who has that many favorites?
2. If I could have any superpower, what would it be?
- I said, “Flight.”
- Real Answer: To stop time. Damnit. I knew that one.
3. What’s my dream car?
- I said, “Aston Martin Vanquish.”
- Real Answer: Aston Martin Vanquish V12. YES BITCHES.
4. What’s my favorite color?
- I said, “Dark Green?”
- Real Answer: Olive Green. Oh shit. That was one of our wedding colors.
5. What’s my favorite city I have been to?
- I said, “Rome.”
- Real Answer: New York & Prague. Can I just say that in 3 years, he’s never once mentioned Prague?
6. How old was I when I lost my virginity?
- I said, “16.”
- Real Answer: 16. TWO RIGHT!
7. Name one of my 5 freebies.
- I said, “Claire Forlani.”
- Real Answer: Claire Forlani, Jessica Alba, Amy Adams, Kiera Knightly, Natalie Portman. I OWN YOU.
8. What’s my favorite University?
- I said, “Columbia.”
- Real Answer: Columbia. I DOUBLED YOUR SCORE.
9. What is my favorite movie?
- I said, “300.”
- Real Answer: Inception. That JUST came out. That can’t possibly be your favorite.
10. What is my favorite musical instrument?
- I said, “French Horn.”
- Real Answer: Cello. You’re a hopeless yuppy, and I feel no remorse in getting this one wrong.
11. Because some were easy, you have an extra one. Where did I get the most drunk ever?
- I said, “Florence.”
- Real Answer: Amsterdam. He went to Amsterdam and only got drunk. I get that one based on lameness alone.
36% asshole. I win.
Happy Fucking Valentine’s Day, Adrian.