For You.

02/22/2011 · 30 comments

in I'm not funny here.

The past few days have been filled with doubt and worry and fear.
The past few days have also been a blatant and horrible reminder that you existed, and continue to do so.

You did what you could to destroy me.

You, very literally, destroyed what physical evidence was left that I once had a childhood.
You directly violated my sanity, my safety, and my soul.

I can directly pinpoint the genesis of my OCD to you.
You, who falsely accused me of destroying a home.
You, who told me I wasn’t good enough to be wanted by anyone.
You, who made me believe that there was no part of me worth even continuing to allow to live.

And for a while, you succeeded.
I withdrew.
I had panic attacks almost twice daily.
I moved across 3 states in the middle of the night.

I tried many different things to attempt to pull me out of where I was.

I tried religion.
I tried alcohol.
I tried men.
I liked those things, but they didn’t directly fix the issue.

I tried a lot of bullshit that other people told me would fix me.
None of it did.

But you went on with your life.
You moved.
You stayed.
You found other people to project your hatred onto.
You probably destroyed them to.

I learned to pick up and move forward, the way I always have in spite of the enormous gauntlet of bullshit that life has thrown down.
I learned to use a quote from my favorite show to inspire me, “You have a good strong pair of legs underneath you. You should get up and use them.”
I learned to use what I knew to fix myself.
I learned to learn: from my mistakes, from others, to lead, to fight, and to be one of the strong ones.

I learned why you did what you did.
Because you are weak.
Because something happened to you that almost destroyed you, so you took it out on me.
Because you’re so hopelessly screwed up, there’s no saving you now.

I don’t believe that life struggles are thrown at us for us to learn from, because not everyone does.
Struggles happen to all of us, everywhere, at varying levels of intensity; it’s how we react to them that divides us.

The strong survive as victims of a memory.

A friend once told me, “You should always seek to cooperate first. But if you cannot cooperate, you must compete. And if you must compete, you must win.”

You made the choice for me to compete.
You backed me so far to the edge of the cliff that the only place I had to go was to knock you over first.
So, I compete.

I compete with the fear and the rituals and the self-loathing behavior that rears it’s head every time I turn around.

I compete with your will for me.
I compete with the doubt.
I compete with your ability to thrive through the horror you inflict everywhere.

I compete for me.
For my sister and my mother.
For my husband.
For every woman who’s ever toed the edge of the cliff–those who survived and those who had nothing left to fight with.

I will win.

You’ve given me no choice.

hoodyhoo February 23, 2011 at 6:01 am

love you, baby — stay strong
hoodyhoo recently posted..I Was Born at Night…

Noa February 23, 2011 at 1:10 pm

Thank you!

Dear Sweet Mama February 23, 2011 at 8:18 am

I don’t know wtf this is about – but, got your back, girlfriend. Give a holler if you need a place to stay or someone to bail you out.

Noa February 23, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Thank you so much. The person(s) I am referring to in here are thankfully no longer in my life.

KatieTheBlogLady February 23, 2011 at 11:00 am

Girl, youz about to get your WIN on! Persevere!!!

Noa February 23, 2011 at 1:11 pm

I’mma lay somebody out.

Rebecca February 23, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Bravo, love. Bravo.

Noa February 23, 2011 at 1:51 pm

*bows* See you Saturday!

kaye February 23, 2011 at 1:38 pm

Wow wow WOW! I totally can relate to this…you are strong. This is a wonderful post.

Noa February 23, 2011 at 1:51 pm

Thank you! I’m glad you can relate.

elizabeth- flourish in progress February 23, 2011 at 3:01 pm

for every shitty thing, you’ve managed to strike back with humor, grace, wit and resilience. this is what you so awesome. this is what makes people want to know you. you know what it’s like to be in the trenches and instead of making you hard and unmoving, it’s made you so brilliantly strong.
elizabeth- flourish in progress recently posted..Monday Dare- spork-tastic

Noa February 23, 2011 at 3:17 pm

You just made me cry. Thanks, friend.

Heather in MT February 23, 2011 at 9:05 pm

I can totally relate… wish I could say more… but it causes me anxiety to get too share-y, I would need much more vodka. All I can say is: be the honey badger; it gets struck in the fucking face by a cobra and gets back up and devours it (after a little nap, of course). What ever knocks you down only makes you stronger and more resilient. You’re a bad ass, I’m certain, and I hardly know ya. Keep it up!

Noa February 23, 2011 at 9:33 pm

I like that honey badger allusion. Honey badger’s a badass–and so are you! Keep being tough.

elle February 24, 2011 at 11:11 am

you took the words right out of my mouth…

first of all, “struggles happen to all of us, everywhere, at varying levels of intensity; it’s how we react to them that divides us.” a-fucking-men.

and secondly: “You should always seek to cooperate first. But if you cannot cooperate, you must compete. And if you must compete, you must win.” THIS. this describes the four bullshit years i spent with m and why the hell i am the way i am now.

i have goosebumps.

thank you.

xx
– e

Noa February 24, 2011 at 4:54 pm

I don’t have words for how to respond here. I’m so glad you liked it, and I’m so happy you’re in a better place in your life.

Coco February 24, 2011 at 8:22 pm

This has to be one of the most moving things I’ve ever read Noa. I applaud you for your writing ability & for your strength to have made it threw whatever it was that gave you the emotions to write this from.
Coco recently posted..A funny thing happened at Mo’s Party

Noa February 24, 2011 at 8:25 pm

Thank you so much for your kind words! I’m glad you enjoyed it. It’s rather cathartic to write like this, and encouraging that so many enjoyed it.

momiss February 25, 2011 at 9:11 am

I just found this today but it ties in nicely (at least in spirit, I think) with my latest post on gang rape.
I pray for you to find your strength, as I pray for all women to do.
I think you have found your strength.
Here’s lookin at you, kid, and thank you for not giving up. I am sure you have set a wonderful example for many others in your life, whether you know it or not. Kudos and God bless you….
momiss recently posted..Gang rape happens- even if not reported

Noa February 25, 2011 at 3:14 pm

You’re so kind. You made my day today.

Nowen March 2, 2011 at 9:42 pm

How did you know exactly how my lovely ex-step-monster made me feel? You are a wonderful, beautiful person who is so funny that it should be illegal. And don’t let anyone tell you differently. So there.

Noa March 2, 2011 at 10:01 pm

Thanks, friend!

Luci May 16, 2011 at 6:24 am

Reading this made me want to cry and laugh and cheer and hug you. It was almost like reading a super-articulate version of my own thoughts. Thank you for sharing your with us.

Noa May 16, 2011 at 1:16 pm

I’m so glad you enjoyed it. It was difficult to write, but I like hearing that it makes others smile!

Chris July 10, 2011 at 6:41 pm

This just made me so happy in ways I didn’t think possible.
I can relate with almost all of this and I must say, I nearly cried reading it.
And although I’m not a woman, or an adult for that matter, this gives me hope.
Hope that things will get better and the determination to make it so.
Thank you so, so much Noa.

Noa July 10, 2011 at 10:55 pm

I’m so glad to hear that Chris. Doesn’t matter if you don’t have the tits, or if you’re over 18–as long as you keep going! I promise things get better. They absolutely get so much better.

Casey September 15, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Dangerballs: You rock my motherfucking box. This gives me hope that I can one day overcome the numerous attempts by several people in my past/present to destroy me. Fuck.Them!

Love your work as always,
Casey “Case-O-Balls” Tompley

Noa September 17, 2011 at 12:56 am

I promise it’s better on the other side, case-o-balls. Plus, you already have an awesome nickname, so you’re one up there.

Ashley Z December 13, 2011 at 10:52 am

That was truly a beautiful piece. I also love the “You should always seek to cooperate first. But if you cannot cooperate, you must compete. And if you must compete, you must win.” You have reminded me to keep pushing forward through no matter what kind of shit-storm I find myself in. Thanks for that.

Noa December 19, 2011 at 12:44 am

My mentor told me that once, and it has stuck with me and guided me ever since. I hope it can do the same for you.

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