I am still entirely unsure whether or not I want to have children. Are they going to be good kids? Will I want to run away to Thailand after having them and write a simply terrible book about it?
The roll of the dice is terrifying.
I figured, however, that I’d better start practicing for them now.
There are plenty of lies I’d like to tell my maybechildren one day that go beyond the Tooth Fairy or Santa Claus; either to entertain myself or screw with their tiny heads.
1) Gypsies Will Come And Get You If You Are Bad, and Grandma Has Them On Speed-dial.
Adrian’s family is Transylvanian. Like, Vlad Dracula, terrifying mountains and bats and Van Helsing Transylvanian. When his parents were growing up their parents would tell them that if they did not behave, they would be sold off to the Gypsies who roamed through the area then and still do today.
They were terrified.
Mostly because it was a kind-of-true threat–it wasn’t unheard of for Gypsies to sell their own children, so couldn’t it work the other way? They saw Gypsies as hobos with a schtick–not just homeless, but out to stab you in your sleep and steal all your shit if they so chose.
As a direct result, they were positively delightful children.
How could I not take advantage of this?
2) Tenacious D and Metallica DO Write Lullabies.
I hate lullabies. HATE them.
Mary had a little lamb? Fuck that lamb to death. And Mary, too.
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe? Why? Did social services not take away her children? Isn’t that terribly unsafe?
Baa-baa-black-sheep? Do we have a sheep fetish? Is this Wyoming?
Goldilocks and the Three Bears? Y’know, on second thought, thievery from bears is something I can stand behind. That teaches character.
Instead of all these patsy-producing diabetes-inducers, I’d like to sing my children some of my own favorite songs. I think it will help prepare them for a tough life.
Tenacious D: The Greatest Song In The World
Van Halen: Panama
Metallica: Enter Sandman (A great bedtime song!)
Poison: Good Time
ZZ Top: Sharp Dressed Man
Run DMC: It’s Tricky
A fantastic repertoire.
3) Chainlink Fence Grows on Mountainsides.
“Mommy, why do they put fence there?”
“They don’t sweetie. It grows there as a direct result of evolutionary needs of humans with soft heads. Like you.”
4) Steel Wool Comes From Black Lambs
This one comes from MY mom, who once told my sister this.
“Mom, where does steel wool come from?”
–5 years later–
5) If You Are Not A Good Child, Santa Will Not Bring You Coal Or Presents.The Krampus and Perchta Are Coming For You.
This one is my favorite.
Each country has their own unique Santa Claus tradition. When my in-laws were growing up, Santa didn’t bring presents on Christmas, the Angels did. The Angels also decorated the tree on Christmas Eve, and that’s when you opened presents.
That’s much to soft-hearted for me.
The Krampus and Perchta are Austrian Tradition, and if you don’t want to take the time to read that link, their story goes like this.
If you’re not good, then in the beginning of December, Perchta will come to your house and gut you. She’s called the Belly-Slitter, and that’s what she’ll do.
NO. FUCKING. FOOLIN’. The Austrians are hardcore about discipline.
Then, if you can manage to stop the bleeding and still accomplish more mischief, don’t worry–Krampus travels with Santa.
The Krampus is a jolly Christmas Demon, who, if you’ve been bad, will tie you up in a sack, beat you, and toss you into Hell.
Austrian Santa Claus might be a sociopath. I’m just saying.
What lies do you tell your kids? I need more ideas.
Also, ANNIE FROM HARD LABOR IS RUINING MY MANICURE IS THE BEST.
Because she won the Fashion Fuckaround Challenge and a $50 Visa Gift Card!