Fantastic Lies I’ll Tell My Kids If I Have Them, And Practice On Other People’s Children.

02/07/2011 · 29 comments

in Adrian, I'm A Terrible Person, Social Services

I am still entirely unsure whether or not I want to have children. Are they going to be good kids? Will I want to run away to Thailand after having them and write a simply terrible book about it?

The roll of the dice is terrifying.

I figured, however, that I’d better start practicing for them now.

There are plenty of lies I’d like to tell my maybechildren one day that go beyond the Tooth Fairy or Santa Claus; either to entertain myself or screw with their tiny heads.

1) Gypsies Will Come And Get You If You Are Bad, and Grandma Has Them On Speed-dial.

Adrian’s family is Transylvanian. Like, Vlad Dracula, terrifying mountains and bats and Van Helsing Transylvanian. When his parents were growing up their parents would tell them that if they did not behave, they would be sold off to the Gypsies who roamed through the area then and still do today.

They were terrified.

Mostly because it was a kind-of-true threat–it wasn’t unheard of for Gypsies to sell their own children, so couldn’t it work the other way? They saw Gypsies as hobos with a schtick–not just homeless, but out to stab you in your sleep and steal all your shit if they so chose.

As a direct result, they were positively delightful children.

How could I not take advantage of this?

2) Tenacious D and Metallica DO Write Lullabies.

I hate lullabies. HATE them.

Mary had a little lamb? Fuck that lamb to death. And Mary, too.

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe? Why? Did social services not take away her children? Isn’t that terribly unsafe?

Baa-baa-black-sheep? Do we have a sheep fetish? Is this Wyoming?

Goldilocks and the Three Bears? Y’know, on second thought, thievery from bears is something I can stand behind. That teaches character.

Instead of all these patsy-producing diabetes-inducers, I’d like to sing my children some of my own favorite songs. I think it will help prepare them for a tough life.

Tenacious D: The Greatest Song In The World

Van Halen: Panama

Metallica: Enter Sandman (A great bedtime song!)

Poison: Good Time

AC/DC: TNT

ZZ Top: Sharp Dressed Man

Run DMC: It’s Tricky

A fantastic repertoire.

3) Chainlink Fence Grows on Mountainsides.

“Mommy, why do they put fence there?”

“They don’t sweetie. It grows there as a direct result of evolutionary needs of humans with soft heads. Like you.”

4) Steel Wool Comes From Black Lambs

This one comes from MY mom, who once told my sister this.

“Mom, where does steel wool come from?”

“Black Lambs.”

“Oh, okay.”

–5 years later–

“YOU LIE.”

5) If You Are Not A Good Child, Santa Will Not Bring You Coal Or Presents.The Krampus and Perchta Are Coming For You.

This one is my favorite.

Each country has their own unique Santa Claus tradition. When my in-laws were growing up, Santa didn’t bring presents on Christmas, the Angels did. The Angels also decorated the tree on Christmas Eve, and that’s when you opened presents.

That’s much to soft-hearted for me.

The Krampus and Perchta are Austrian Tradition, and if you don’t want to take the time to read that link, their story goes like this.

If you’re not good, then in the beginning of December, Perchta will come to your house and gut you. She’s called the Belly-Slitter, and that’s what she’ll do.

NO. FUCKING. FOOLIN’. The Austrians are hardcore about discipline.

Then, if you can manage to stop the bleeding and still accomplish more mischief, don’t worry–Krampus travels with Santa.

The Krampus is a jolly Christmas Demon, who, if you’ve been bad, will tie you up in a sack, beat you, and toss you into Hell.

Merry Christmas! (image borrowed from Cracked.com)

Austrian Santa Claus might be a sociopath. I’m just saying.

What lies do you tell your kids? I need more ideas.

Also, ANNIE FROM HARD LABOR IS RUINING MY MANICURE IS THE BEST.

Why?

Because she won the Fashion Fuckaround Challenge and a $50 Visa Gift Card!

DearSweetMama February 7, 2011 at 11:47 am

My mom, poor little Hoody’s gramma, used to tell her head cheese (and I am still not real sure what the hell that is, anyway) was made from the heads of the French royalty from the Rev olution and children could not eat it. She may still believe that. I used to tell her Santa had a little Alzheimer’s and that is why we sometimes found presents in the closet in July cause he had put them in the wrong place.

Noa February 7, 2011 at 11:49 am

*writing notes*

I love it. Lovelovelove that Santa has Alzheimer’s.

hoodyhoo February 8, 2011 at 6:21 am

I DO still believe that about head cheese, because it is TRUE. And you and Chuckweasel lie to me ALL.THE.TIME purely for your own amusement so don’t actr like you’re all innocent!

Noa February 8, 2011 at 12:18 pm

I love to watch your family throw down in my comments. It makes my job so much fun.

hoodyhoo February 9, 2011 at 6:25 am

we actually call each other to start shit about what the other one has said in your comments — so you’re basically one of us now!

Noa February 9, 2011 at 12:41 pm

I enjoy vicariously being a part of your family and then starting fights within. It’s a lot like being in my own family.

chicsinger simone February 7, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Don’t forget my Mom’s favorite:

“Daddy has two penises, the little one he pees with and the big one he brushes Mommy’s teeth with.”

And they wonder why I am the way I am.

Noa February 7, 2011 at 1:52 pm

Oh. Oh my God.

I have no words, Simone. None.

chicsinger simone February 7, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Explains a lot, doesn’t it?

Oh yeah, Happy Birthday, Mom! Love you! #notevenkidding

Noa February 7, 2011 at 2:07 pm

Hell of a way to remember her birthday–by the horrible horrible lies.

KatieTheBlogLady February 7, 2011 at 4:56 pm

It’s wasn’t until my son was born that I revisited my childhood lullibies. My god they are horrific.

Rock-a-bye, baby / In the treetop / When the wind blows / The cradle will rock/
When the bough breaks / The cradle will fall / And down will come baby /
Cradle and all

Shhh lil baby . . . yo mama’s gonna sing you a nice night night song. Then she’s gonna put chur cradle in the tree and wait for high winds. Maybe then you’ll shut the fuck up so she can drink her martini in peace. Geez!

Noa February 7, 2011 at 9:05 pm

Most innocent things come from horrifying origins. Ring around the roses, Cinderella, The Tooth Fairy. All terrible.

Amanda February 7, 2011 at 8:50 pm

My husband and I currently use the “selling you demons to the gypsies” bit, and even though they’ve never seen a gypsy, they are still terrified that we will actually do it.

Last Easter, we all went out to eat and the restaurant had a guy walking around in an Easter bunny costume. Trip was following him around and pulling his tail, trying to get him to speak. The bunny dude never would speak and Trip kept coming back, asking why the bunny wouldn’t speak. Trip was obviously being a smart ass, so I told him that the Easter bunny couldn’t speak because his tongue had been cut out.

Part of the fun of the Rock-a-by-Baby song is the fake drop when the baby falls out of the tree.

If you have kids, and if they’re not funny, it’s still socially acceptable in most circles to laugh at your own kids.

Noa February 7, 2011 at 9:06 pm

The Easter Bunny wouldn’t shut up, that was his problem. And Ol’ Mickey “Shivved Liver” Tiperillo gave him what he had comin’.

That’s an excellent disciplinary tactic.

Kernut the Blond February 8, 2011 at 2:03 pm

OMG – This is funny! I don’t have kids, but this reminded me of all the lies my parents told us. One was “We’re divorced”. They weren’t. Then they got back together. Then they got divorced again. For real. This time they waited until the minute my father was leaving. Heart-breaking moment for sure. I’m still scarred. And that’s why I blog.

Noa February 8, 2011 at 10:47 pm

Wow. For the second time in a post, I have absolutely no words.

elizabeth- flourish in progress February 9, 2011 at 1:38 pm

And just WHERE WERE YOU 11 years ago when I was looking for books on parenting?? You’re definitely someone I would want to timeshare my kid with.

Noa February 9, 2011 at 1:47 pm

It’s never to late to start a lie with your children. At least, that’s what I hear. Just make sure she’s not old enough to commit you to a mental hospital.

Jaclyn February 23, 2011 at 3:08 pm

My mom hated when we would write on ourselves so she told us that the ink would seep into our blood and we would get poisoned. I believed this till I was 24, when I warned a friend about “ink poisoning” when she wrote something on her hand. She asked me if I was joking and, when I told her I wasn’t, if I was retarded. When I asked my mom about it later she was just like “oh yeah, I totally made that up”. Thanks mom!

Noa February 23, 2011 at 3:16 pm

MY MOM TOLD ME THAT, TOO! I’m so glad I’m not the only one who thought that. Moms are great.

Rebecca March 10, 2011 at 2:32 pm

I once had to think on my feet when my son’s tooth fell out. He put the tooth carefully in a little baggie and went to sleep with dreams of the tooth fairy. Then mommy had a few glasses of wine and completely forgot. When he got up that morning he was crestfallen to still see his tooth there, and I (through my horrid wine hangover) felt horribly guilty. So I informed him that there was a tooth fairy union with rules to make sure they didn’t overwork their staff, and perhaps his particular tooth fairy was working the day shift. He bought it, and there was a crisp dollar bill waiting for him after school. Hey – they gotta have something to talk about in therapy. Otherwise it’s a waste of money.

Noa March 10, 2011 at 4:43 pm

I love you. I wish I were your child.

Meg May 26, 2011 at 5:50 am

Recently discovered you and WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE. Love your blog. <3333

My older two weren't into lullabies. My third (and LAST) is 18 months and she's a little more interested. She'll occasionally let me extemporise with songs about how when she grows up she'll be ruling us all in a castle guarded by demons and pits of fire, but the only one that works all the time is:

Hush, little baby, don't say a word /
Go to sleep you giant turd.

Except the only problem is I do actually believe she'll rule us all when she's older, so I don't know that it's a lie. :( Sob.

Noa May 26, 2011 at 2:56 pm

You’re here now, and it’s fucking awesome to have you comment! Have you seen the new children’s book, “Please Go the Fuck to Sleep?” She strikes me as the kind of child who will deeply enjoy that.

Meg May 27, 2011 at 7:15 am

Hee, you’re lovely. Omfg, that sounds fabulous! I love her, but yeah, I do have to tell my son to count his fingers after they’ve been playing. He’s a little gullible and you can’t trust her an *inch*.

Noa May 27, 2011 at 5:07 pm

Excellent.

Holly S. October 3, 2012 at 9:20 am

Growing up, I had 2 horrible older brothers who fucked with me constantly. “If you’re still out when it gets dark, the Boogeyman will eat you.” “The uncooked bacon fat ends are the best part.” “The initiation to get into our club is a ride in the dryer.” and other gems. That is probably why I fuck with my kids so hard. You know, life lessons. And payback. And also to ensure that they grow up with a healthy, and entirely inappropriate, sense of humor.

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