'Merica: Land of Ridiculous Problems

01/21/2011 · 19 comments

in I'm not funny here., Love, Social Services

Funny Bitch Friday will be back tomorrow.

We need to have a talk.

Ma’am, you fell into a fountain. You were uninjured. You were embarrassed, sure, but you were unhurt. Some mall security should probably be fired for leaking it to YouTube, yes, but to sue the mall?

Why? Why sue them? Because no one came to your aid? You fell in a fountain and then stood right back up again like nothing happened, and walked away. I wouldn’t have addressed it because I would figure you’d want to leave well enough alone. You just made an ass out of yourself.

Had I been you, I might have laughed at myself, and not gone to the news bitching.

This teacher has been placed on leave for going to the police about a very violent student after parents and school officials did nothing. She was placed on leave for violating the student’s privacy rights.

These kids were 7-years-old, being faced with a classmate threatening violence–including bringing a gun to school.

7-years-old.

This cop was suspended when he wrote a ticket to a 7-year-old boy when the boy threw a ball at his truck and hit it, in an effort to have the child’s mom discipline him for what he did.

When I was a kid, I threw rocks at a neighbor’s window and broke it, so my mom took me to the sheriff’s office. He scared the hell out of me. I worked off the money I needed to buy them a new window. I turned out to be a good kid.

What in the shit is going on with this country?

We’re complaining about problems that other people would DREAM to have.

Other people in the world have to worry whether or not their government will kill them that day. Or if they have enough food to feed their children though they haven’t eaten in days. There are places in the world with terribly unsafe drinking water, food, and living conditions.

People are being washed away by mudslides in Brazil, watching their families die right before their eyes.

Children are being sold into slavery everywhere.

My in-laws had to escape their own country. They lived in a refugee camp in Greece for 4 years. They had a 2 year old at the time, and hot water once a week. Some of their friends still fear the KGB.

Your problems are not that bad. You were texting and fell of your own volition, not killed or maimed by a drunk driver.

The teacher stopped violence the only way she knew how, and probably averted a major disaster and allowed a child to gain access to the mental health help he or she desperately needed. Let us not forget a 9-year-old girl was killed recently after a man who needed that help did not get it.

The officer was teaching a child about the law, and safety after he was given no option but to do so.

America? Grow the fuck up. Look at what you have, and be grateful.

KatieTheBlogLady January 21, 2011 at 11:46 am

Amen sista!

Noa Gavin January 21, 2011 at 2:06 pm

Amen.

Jon January 21, 2011 at 12:42 pm

Now I’m sad and angry. I’m going to go eat five gallons of macaroni and cheese for comfort, wind up in the hospital, and then sue the macaroni and cheese company.

Noa Gavin January 21, 2011 at 2:06 pm

I’ll be a material witness.

Mom Of Wild Ones January 21, 2011 at 2:07 pm

Word to your mamma!

Noa Gavin January 21, 2011 at 2:23 pm

She say hey.

Susan January 21, 2011 at 3:16 pm

So true. So well put. Print this post and distribute it from helicopters. Great post!

Noa Gavin January 21, 2011 at 3:51 pm

Thanks! Please don’t sue.

Norway June 15, 2011 at 12:00 am

No, Noa’s eight. She’d be fined for littering. On the bright side, I bet Stephen Colbert would’ve found it ironic.

Norway June 15, 2011 at 12:01 am

*cough* “right”. Stupid touch screen keyboard.

Noa June 15, 2011 at 3:12 pm

Stephen Colbert makes the world go round.

Jon January 21, 2011 at 6:13 pm

Also, if it makes you feel any better about ‘Merica, here’s something from Taiwan: http://www.loweringthebar.net/2011/01/man-claims-emotional-distress-due-to-bird-insults.html

Noa Gavin January 22, 2011 at 1:37 pm

I like their review of “similar cases.”

hoodyhoo January 24, 2011 at 6:38 am

Funny AND smart… I’d be madly in love with you if it weren’t for that horrible outfit. Ah, to hell with it, we can get you some new clothes!

Noa Gavin January 24, 2011 at 11:09 am

You’re makin’ me blush ova here.

Lynne May 18, 2011 at 8:38 am

Gallagher had a skit on one of his 1980s HBO specials about “only in America” and he pronounced it “MUHRR-ca.” You would thoroughly enjoy it. Can’t find it for you while I’m at work because my employer is too cheap to spring for flashplayer on all the computers but we can have new paint and carpet. hmm..

Noa May 18, 2011 at 1:12 pm

Oh Man–Gallagher, yo. I haven’t heard anything about him in years…I’ll have to go look that up.

Ashley Z December 12, 2011 at 5:35 pm

God I love that these people are educating our children (if I had any….) The following quote was taken from the 2nd article.

“We have had an anti-bullying and harassment policy in place for a number of years, and when the steps in this policy are followed correctly, we have been successful in addressing these types of issues very successfully.” They should work for the Department of Redundancy Department.

Noa December 19, 2011 at 12:42 am

Amazing. Fucking amazing. I’m so happy that this is our future.

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