*UPDATED* Mallpocalypse: You're Out of Control, 'Merica. *UPDATED*

01/17/2011 · 16 comments

in What Is Wrong With You?

I went to the mall last week, and was both baffled and horrified by what I saw. What is going on with clothing these days?
First, this.

Is that? Oh God. It's acid wash.

Does it come with it’s own scrunchie set and airbrush machine?
Then, this.
FO-TY DOLLA. $40. FORTY GODDAMN DOLLARS.

FO-TY DOLLA. $40. FORTY GODDAMN DOLLARS.

What? WHAT IS HAPPENING? I can’t tell if that’s the ass or the U.P.A. What ass would look good in this? Your ass would have a smooshed, ruched crack. Ruchecrack is generally inadvisable.
It’s like a deflated Cyndi Lauper.
Oh no.
Is that a jersey BUTTERFLY PONCHO?

Yes it is.

Now, now I’ve seen everything.

OH COME ON.

It’s like designers hired 13-year-olds with Bret Michaels in Boca Raton to design this shit. Worse yet–SOME PEOPLE HAVE BOUGHT THESE THINGS.

There’s a demand for it. There is a demand for jersey butterfly ponchos. My blood is boiling.

Then, I read THIS little gem about the new trend of holyshit on ABC News.

This is a world gone lazy.

PajamaJeans have already been torn apart for their ridiculousness, so I won’t waste my time.

They make fun of themselves, really. It's feature/benefit relationship.

But the President of Jumpin’ Jammerz is going a bit far naming this bullshit the “Pajama Culture,” talking about people going to Vegas clubs in these. People considering INTERVIEWING in JEGGINGS AND PAJAMAJEANS. He’s making a social network for people who live this “pajama lifestyle.”

Party-Time!

I’m just so confused.

I thought this was the end. I thought we’d gone too far in our willingness and ability to swathe ourselves in ridiculous crap.

And then, just to test myself, I googled “ridiculous clothing,” and got these.

These were made for babies. And I assure you, I have chosen the more appropriate ones–most of them made ME blush.

You know what? Wear all the acid-wash corduroy footie pajamas to interviews you want.

What’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone wear?

If we can’t laugh at ourselves, who can we laugh at?

Oh goodness. It seems as though the fashion debate has been around long enough that even early man was quoted as saying, “Ugga wear distressed mammoth hide. Ugga so last global disaster.” And you Leaguers are no exceptions.

So, I propose a contest, inspired by our own Funny Bitch, BloggerToBeNamedLater.

Who has the best picture of your worst fashion disaster?

You can send me your favorite disaster picture to ohnoagavin at gmail dot com by January 30th. I’ll pick the top 5, and you’ll all get to vote for the winner.
Winner wins a $50 Visa Gift Card to buy whatever you want (but so help me, if you buy PajamaJeans.) Or a cross-stitch sampler. Or a picture of my boobies, but Adrian says I have to be wearing a shirt at least.

I’ll start the bidding with me. I have many, many of me when I was a child and my mother decided it’d be cool for me to dress myself (hello Lion King shirt/Polka Dot Bikini/Snowboots combo), but here’s one of me in New York on a vacation where Adrian took me BEFORE WE WERE MARRIED. Look at those butch-ass arms and transitional haircut that leaned to the left.

Who knew old white tennis shoes and too-short jeans would look totally fine on 5th avenue? YES MA’AM!

Example: Shitshow

I am my own reason that I only wear black, white, and gray anymore. I clearly still can’t dress myself.
If we can’t laugh at ourselves, then we can’t laugh at anyone.
On second thought, that came out like a threat.
It’s okay to laugh at yourself. Much better.
Coco January 17, 2011 at 10:24 am

Oh shit! I was totally going to write a blog about this craziness but there ya go again, just having to be funnier than that pill popping drunk granny of mine again.

It’s like we’re back in the ’80’s when spandex was ok, Transformers were fucking awesome & I would end up tasting hairspray for the entire day because my mother would hose me down before I left the house.

Ok, so it’s kinda the same ‘cept now it’s Ok for fat girls like me to wear spandex, they’ve milked Transformer’s dry & now instead of letting your kids ride in the car without a seatbelt, it’s ok to dress them up as hookers & encourage them to be like Snooki.

Fucking crazy yo. Pretty sure the apocalypse is coming, just hope it’s the Zombie one that Bloggess keeps warning us about.

Noa Gavin January 17, 2011 at 1:14 pm

It’s getting fucking ridiculous. People are wearing some absolutely stupid crap these days. Someone had to call them on it before they bring the four horsemen of Snuggie upon us.

Coco January 17, 2011 at 2:15 pm

They make snuggies for dogs now. It’ll be crazy teacup chihuahua’s with little booties & snuggies carried around in dog purses.

I’m pretty sure Merica has gone fucking insane.

Noa Gavin January 17, 2011 at 8:46 pm

HAVE YOU SEEN THE CAT WIGS. THEY MAKE FUCKING CAT WIGS.

Mom of Wild Ones January 17, 2011 at 8:18 pm

I witnessed the acid wash jeans over this past weekend. A part of my soul died.

Noa Gavin January 17, 2011 at 8:45 pm

Rest in Peace, Wild Soul.

elizabeth-flourish in progress January 17, 2011 at 9:26 pm

oh. shit. those acid-washed jean look so awesome. if only i could find my hypercolors shirt or maybe my girbaud sweatshirt….i would look pretty bitchin.

Noa Gavin January 17, 2011 at 10:52 pm

If you wore hypercolor, I would be forced to touch your boobies. I think you deserve fair warning.

bloggertobenamedlater January 17, 2011 at 10:21 pm

As a small child, I lived through the 70s and endured calico-printed smock tops and bell bottom pants. In the 80s, I was club before emo existed and wore only black, probably as a direct result of enduring a decade of calico-printed smock tops. I am proud to say I never wore acid-washed jeans. However, my pride was short-lived when I discovered a picture of myself from the early 90s when I lived in Italy that had me wearing a hot pink headband and clear acrylic star chandelier earrings. I will post it after I scan it if I can figure out how. Some things need to be put out to the world at large as a reminder of fashion disasters that should never be repeated. It’s kind of a public sevice.

Noa Gavin January 17, 2011 at 10:56 pm

You just gave me a great idea.

hoodyhoo January 18, 2011 at 5:51 am

The first time I saw jeggings in a store (recently, not in the way-back-when) I actually had to go over and touch them becuase I was pretty sure they were just a horrible flashback. AND THEY WEREN’T. Then I passed out for a little while and the girls at Forever 21 dragged me outside where I belong.

Noa Gavin January 18, 2011 at 12:28 pm

Isn’t it great to see shitty trends brought back? Next, perhaps, we’ll see teased hair OH WAIT I’M ALREADY IN HELL.

KatieTheBlogLady January 18, 2011 at 11:35 pm

I am sorry, Noa, but I am totally sold on the pajama jeans. In a drunken stupor, I became engaged by their informercial — who wouldn’t want stylish, sexy jeans and soft comfy pajamas all rolled into one? Did you know they have a smooth butt lifting effect too? They. Are. Amazing. If I hadn’t thrown up, I probably would have bought one right then.

Noa Gavin January 18, 2011 at 11:39 pm

Everyone loses their taste after vomiting. It’s totally cool.

dagnydarling January 24, 2011 at 10:11 pm

Those pajama jeans made me angry. I was literally fuming at the end of that commercial… but honestly, WHAT. THE. FUCK? The whole POINT of pajamas is exactly the OPPOSITE of jeans. There is no need for this hybrid monstrosity, but mark my words, fat people and the people who buy the “shape up” shoes will wear them in droves.

Noa Gavin January 24, 2011 at 10:19 pm

I know right? Why the need for a hybrid? We don’t need vibrator coffees or eyelash curling chainsaws. Hybrid vigor doesn’t work for all. Ridiculous.

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