What do you think when you think GQ?
Suave. Smarts. Style.
You’re probably seeing a gorgeous tan man standing in front of you now, leaning on a counter/table, in a sharp, well-fitting suit. Maybe he’s holding a pair of glasses in one hand.
Now imagine that man holding a gift in his hand–for you.
It’s perfectly wrapped.
It’s Valentine’s Day.
What could it be? Diamonds? Chocolate? Lingerie?
If he reads GQ, he probably got you laundry soap. GQ published a gift suggestion list for Valentine’s day, so the woman in his life will get just the perfect thing, whether it’s the wife, girlfriend, or Bates-ily enough, Mother. Ew.
For a Wife
1) Laundry Soap
- Intended Message: I care about your delicates. And delicate places.
- Actual Message: Blow me, then get scrubbin’ woman.
2) A Throw Pillow
- Intended Message: See? I was paying attention when you painted the house.
- Actual Messsage: I clearly read this from a magazine suggestion list, because this is just fucking absurd.
- Intended Message: Spend all day in bed with me.
- Actual Message: Cover that ass UP at night, woman.
For a Girlfriend
1) A $33 Purple Plastic Ring
- Intended Message: I’m so hip and funky, and I love your style. It’s called the Bradshaw! Like from SATC!
- Actual Message: I spent about as much time on this as I did selecting your 5 foot tall Valentine’s Card.
2) A Notebook From A Company That Makes Cookies
- Intended Message: I can’t get you those sweets–you’re already sweet enough!
- Actual Message: The last thing you need is more cookies. I bet you’ll even eat this paper.
3) A Weird Hipster Camera
- Intended Message: You’re so free-spirited and trendy.
- Actual Message: You should not date me anymore. I am a dirty douchebag. That is the only way I’d know about this camera.
For a Mom
- Intended Message: Pamper yourself.
- Actual Message: Scrub off that old lady stench.
2) A “Forget Me Knot” Ring
- Intended Message: Forget me not, mommy love!
- Actual Message: I’m literally tying a knot on your hand so you never forget that I am your baby. Looovvvveeee mmeeeeeeee.
3) Steak Knives (I am not shitting you.)
- Intended Message: You’re a great cook.
- Actual Message: Really. Knives. You’re the literal interpretation of Psycho. Valentine’s Day, your Mother, and Steak Knives.
This shit writes itself.
Remember, you’re competing for a $50 Visa Gift Card. Voting ends this Saturday, y’all!
COMMENT OF THE DAY:
“I don’t buy Valentine’s gifts for my Dear Sweet Mama, ’cause I think that’s just creepy. But if I did, I’d have to sign the card, “Love, Oedipus.” And it would totally be a LifeGem.”