Death Wish Valentine

01/31/2011 · 20 comments

in Love, What Is Wrong With You?

What do you think when you think GQ?

Suave. Smarts. Style.

You’re probably seeing a gorgeous tan man standing in front of you now, leaning on a counter/table, in a sharp, well-fitting suit. Maybe he’s holding a pair of glasses in one hand.

Now imagine that man holding a gift in his hand–for you.

It’s perfectly wrapped.

It’s Valentine’s Day.

What could it be? Diamonds? Chocolate? Lingerie?

If he reads GQ, he probably got you laundry soap. GQ published a gift suggestion list for Valentine’s day, so the woman in his life will get just the perfect thing, whether it’s the wife, girlfriend, or Bates-ily enough, Mother. Ew.

They Suggest:

For a Wife

1) Laundry Soap

  • Intended Message: I care about your delicates. And delicate places.
  • Actual Message: Blow me, then get scrubbin’ woman.

2) A Throw Pillow

  • Intended Message: See? I was paying attention when you painted the house.
  • Actual Messsage: I clearly read this from a magazine suggestion list, because this is just fucking absurd.

3) Pajamas

  • Intended Message: Spend all day in bed with me.
  • Actual Message: Cover that ass UP at night, woman.

For a Girlfriend

1) A $33 Purple Plastic Ring

  • Intended Message: I’m so hip and funky, and I love your style. It’s called the Bradshaw! Like from SATC!
  • Actual Message: I spent about as much time on this as I did selecting your 5 foot tall Valentine’s Card.

2) A Notebook From A Company That Makes Cookies

  • Intended Message: I can’t get you those sweets–you’re already sweet enough!
  • Actual Message: The last thing you need is more cookies. I bet you’ll even eat this paper.

3) A Weird Hipster Camera

  • Intended Message: You’re so free-spirited and trendy.
  • Actual Message: You should not date me anymore. I am a dirty douchebag. That is the only way I’d know about this camera.

For a Mom

1) Soap

  • Intended Message: Pamper yourself.
  • Actual Message: Scrub off that old lady stench.

2) A “Forget Me Knot” Ring

  • Intended Message: Forget me not, mommy love!
  • Actual Message: I’m literally tying a knot on your hand so you never forget that I am your baby. Looovvvveeee mmeeeeeeee.

3) Steak Knives (I am not shitting you.)

  • Intended Message: You’re a great cook.
  • Actual Message: Really. Knives. You’re the literal interpretation of Psycho. Valentine’s Day, your Mother, and Steak Knives.

This shit writes itself.

Time to vote on the Fashion Fuckaround Challenge!

Remember, you’re competing for a $50 Visa Gift Card. Voting ends this Saturday, y’all!


Hoody Hoo:

“I don’t buy Valentine’s gifts for my Dear Sweet Mama, ’cause I think that’s just creepy. But if I did, I’d have to sign the card, “Love, Oedipus.” And it would totally be a LifeGem.”

Bloggertobenamedlater January 31, 2011 at 2:45 pm

Every year Troy promises to get me a vaccum cleaner and something to cook for dinner for our anniversary. I’m too lazy after all these years to react to the threat.

Noa January 31, 2011 at 3:09 pm

Awwww. How sweet! Sounds like he could use some steak knives.

KatieTheBlogLady January 31, 2011 at 5:24 pm

All I want for Valentine’s day is for my man to go to the store and buy me some tampons and a Go Girl. That’s how you show your woman some love.

Noa January 31, 2011 at 5:43 pm

That’s true love right there. That’s what makes it last.

elizabeth- flourish in progress January 31, 2011 at 6:28 pm

I can see it now.

Reason for divorce: Valentine’s gift.

Reason for break-up: Valentine’s gift.

Reason to be omitted from the will: Valentine’s gift.

Noa January 31, 2011 at 6:43 pm

Conspiracy. It’s a modern journalistic conspiracy.

Amandasaurus Rex January 31, 2011 at 8:16 pm

Wow, it’s like GQ WANTED you to write this post! These are horrible gifts. I mean, generic gifts are no more creative, but they ARE tried and true. When in doubt, men, always choose flowers.

Noa January 31, 2011 at 8:40 pm

They should have tagged me, right?

dagnydarling January 31, 2011 at 8:30 pm

Valentine’s Day is a sham. That I have YET to celebrate in any way other than my mother buying me presents. Good God its even sadder to type the words than to experience. Psht. Enjoy your throw pillow and stop complaining!

Noa January 31, 2011 at 8:38 pm

I’ve only got a gift once and I was allergic to it. Valentine’s Day fills me with tense rage.

Amanda January 31, 2011 at 8:50 pm

My husband, over the years, has given me a vacuum cleaner, a motorized bathroom scrubber, and a steam mop. I’m letting him live for now. We’re planning on yelling a few obscenities at each other, at which point I hopefully do not end up pregnant, so Valentine’s should at least be cheap this year.

Noa January 31, 2011 at 8:56 pm

Stop screamin’ and get scrubbin’.

Citygurl January 31, 2011 at 9:57 pm

This is amazing. My hubby doesn’t even bother. I used to get annoyed by that fact but now I’m like thank God. Thank you for restoring the love in my marriage, Noa.

Noa January 31, 2011 at 10:01 pm

You’re welcome. I’ve also never gotten a Valentine’s Gift. I regret nothing.

hoodyhoo February 1, 2011 at 6:07 am

I don’t buy Valentine’s gifts for my Dear Sweet Mama, ’cause I think that’s just creepy. But if I did, I’d have to sign the card, “Love, Oedipus.” And it would totally be a LifeGem.

Noa February 1, 2011 at 11:48 am

I can’t think of anything more appropriate.

Mary February 2, 2011 at 11:17 pm

I read this list of Valentine’s Day gifts on either Yahoo! or MSN the other day and thought, good Lord, I hope no man actually thinks these are good ideas. I pity the poor man that blindly follows this advice. There was not one single thing on the list that I would want. Please oh please just stick with flowers, chocolate, or jewelry (of the not plastic sort) unless you want to insult your favorite girl. Who wrote that list anyway?? Sheesh!

Noa February 2, 2011 at 11:32 pm

They’re trying so hard to be ‘creative.’ I’d rather get chalky deathhearts than a goddamn pillow.

Holly S. October 3, 2012 at 8:18 am

Nothing says “Shower, bitch.” like a bar of soap for Valentine’s Day.

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