Noa Gavin's Guide to Holiday Gifting: What I Gave

12/27/2010 · 14 comments

in Grace, I'm A Terrible Person, My Family Is Strikingly Odd.

I’m currently shithoused in a condo in the Colorado mountains, awaiting my day on the slopes on Wednesday, still shithoused but wearing my knee brace.

I’ll update you on my Christmasventures another day. It’s been joy(rum)filled.

Thus far, I have recommended products for you that have gone untested by my vigorous standards.

I saved a few recommendations for y’all until after I tested them within my own family and friends. I wanted to make sure that there would be no injuries, no explosions, no maimed penguins (at least, not without reportable hilarity) because as you well know, I am a sucker for scientific exploration.

1. Hand-Crafted Love

Nothing says, “I like you more than I do most people,” than homemade gifts.

Or does it say, “I’m fucking cheap.” Damnit, now I’m self-conscious again.

This all started with Simone Bernhard, of Chapeaux by Simone, who is adorable and makes fantastic hats and helped me endlessly when I asked on Twitter one fateful night, “Does anyone know how to cross-stitch?” Simone almost immediately answered that she did, and then shit went downhill from there.

$13 IHaveNoFuckingClueWhyThisIsAGoodIdea

Suddenly, it went from making one silly thing to four (Simone? Did I not tell you? Yours is almost finished.) Then, after mangled fingers and endless repetitions of “FUCK THIS SHIT. WHY DOES THIS KEEP KNOTTING UP,” we have the finished product.

How did this happen.

To Elizabeth, a dear friend from Flourish-in-Progress and a mostly Texas Native:

To Lana, for various reasons up to and including and incident with vaginas at Fast Eddie’s:

To Grace, in folksy remembrance of our favorite song, Fancy by Reba McEntire:

Nothing says love like framed dirty words.

2. I’m here, and I ALWAYS WILL BE.

Have you seen that stupid fucking Kay commercial where the grown ass woman needs her stalker boyfriend to protect her from the drizzle outside?

Piss off, ma’am.

A good idea nonetheless. I don’t live terribly close to my family, so what better gift than to be with them? Forever. Frozen in time. With eyes that stare into your very soul and with each passing minute drive you deeper into insanity and hatred for your family.

Grace received this in the mail about a month ago.

Don't judge me. It was a transitional haircut. And clothing choice.

Step 1: Find the worst possible picture of yourself

Step 2: Go to Shindigz.com, and order a cardboard standee, starting at only TEN FUCKING DOLLARS.

Step 3: Tell no one. Await the joy.

This is the one Ma received. Yes, that is butterfly spandex.

What is the best gift you ever gave?

Amanda December 27, 2010 at 10:45 pm

I gave my baby brother an almost adult sized onesie with skulls all over it. He’s short though so it fits him. It also matches one that my pervie kid has. It doesn’t come close to the cross stitching though.

Noa Gavin December 28, 2010 at 9:09 am

Your family sound so…interesting.

hoodyhoo December 28, 2010 at 6:21 am

You have once again outdone yourself and inspired myself… to finish cross-stitching snarky comments into samplers just to fuck with people!

Noa Gavin December 28, 2010 at 9:10 am

So glad I can inspire shittiness.

Kernut the Blond December 28, 2010 at 11:54 am

I suck at gift-giving. I tend toward practical gifts, which can be boring.

Whenever I buy a guy a shirt or sweatshirt I ALWAYS get them one size too small. It’s not at all intentional… I just can’t tell.

I love the idea of the cardboard cutout! Must get me one.

Noa Gavin December 29, 2010 at 5:16 pm

I think you in a cardboard cutout would deter attackers/followers from you anytime.

elizabeth-flourish in progress December 29, 2010 at 12:23 am

Babe, your brilliant work of art is just inches away from me right now. Bless you and thank you for taking the time to make such a thing of loveliness and classiness for me.

I first heard about the saying from a wonderful man who passed away two years ago. He was on vacation in Paris and saw a fat, rude man wearing a shirt that said “Fuck y’all, I’m from Texas.” He was so embarrassed and outraged to be from the US that he actually pretended not to be American.

Since his passing, whenever Harv gets sad, I always say, “Fuck y’all, I’m from Texas” and it instantly cheers him up. Not only have you given me love, but you’ve brought laughter to my husband.

Fucking damn, you are so outrageously awesome. I love you.

Noa Gavin December 29, 2010 at 5:17 pm

I’m glad I can bring smiles and general shittiness into your home.

bloggertobenamedlater December 30, 2010 at 3:08 pm

I love the cross-stiched samplers. I wish I had the time and the talent. I got a D- in home ec in 6th grade because my stuffed bean bag frog was deformed. Maybe I could hire someone to make them for me.

Noa Gavin December 31, 2010 at 12:48 am

I’ll whore myself out for that.

bloggertobenamedlater December 31, 2010 at 11:47 pm

Hired! Can you make me a sampler that says “I wish I was dead. No wait. Not me. You.”

Noa Gavin January 2, 2011 at 9:53 pm

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Yes.

Shannon September 16, 2011 at 11:38 pm

A sad note… the life-sized standees have jumped up in price to “AS LOW AS 19.99!!!”

but… quite frankly, I think my stupid-whore best friend who moved halfway across the country needs a cardboard me in her life to tell her to do stupid things. I think it’s necessary.

You. Are. Glorious, Noa! :D

Noa September 17, 2011 at 12:38 am

Those Shindigz bastards. See if they ever get my cardboard decor business ever again.

Also, thanks!

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