I’m currently shithoused in a condo in the Colorado mountains, awaiting my day on the slopes on Wednesday, still shithoused but wearing my knee brace.
I’ll update you on my Christmasventures another day. It’s been joy(rum)filled.
Thus far, I have recommended products for you that have gone untested by my vigorous standards.
I saved a few recommendations for y’all until after I tested them within my own family and friends. I wanted to make sure that there would be no injuries, no explosions, no maimed penguins (at least, not without reportable hilarity) because as you well know, I am a sucker for scientific exploration.
1. Hand-Crafted Love
Nothing says, “I like you more than I do most people,” than homemade gifts.
Or does it say, “I’m fucking cheap.” Damnit, now I’m self-conscious again.
This all started with Simone Bernhard, of Chapeaux by Simone, who is adorable and makes fantastic hats and helped me endlessly when I asked on Twitter one fateful night, “Does anyone know how to cross-stitch?” Simone almost immediately answered that she did, and then shit went downhill from there.
Suddenly, it went from making one silly thing to four (Simone? Did I not tell you? Yours is almost finished.) Then, after mangled fingers and endless repetitions of “FUCK THIS SHIT. WHY DOES THIS KEEP KNOTTING UP,” we have the finished product.
To Elizabeth, a dear friend from Flourish-in-Progress and a mostly Texas Native:
To Lana, for various reasons up to and including and incident with vaginas at Fast Eddie’s:
To Grace, in folksy remembrance of our favorite song, Fancy by Reba McEntire:
Nothing says love like framed dirty words.
2. I’m here, and I ALWAYS WILL BE.
Have you seen that stupid fucking Kay commercial where the grown ass woman needs her stalker boyfriend to protect her from the drizzle outside?
Piss off, ma’am.
A good idea nonetheless. I don’t live terribly close to my family, so what better gift than to be with them? Forever. Frozen in time. With eyes that stare into your very soul and with each passing minute drive you deeper into insanity and hatred for your family.
Grace received this in the mail about a month ago.
Step 1: Find the worst possible picture of yourself
Step 2: Go to Shindigz.com, and order a cardboard standee, starting at only TEN FUCKING DOLLARS.
Step 3: Tell no one. Await the joy.
What is the best gift you ever gave?