Noa Gavin's Guide to Holiday Gifting: Lost Loved Ones

12/08/2010 · 16 comments

in I'm A Terrible Person, Social Services

Holidays are especially difficult when you’ve lost a loved one recently. Christmas time means family time, and it’s a painful reminder of what you’ve lost.

But thanks to me, you don’t have to be in pain forever.

1. LifeGem: Curing your grief with SPARKLE

Time for some Razzle Dazzle

What. The. Fuck. Is. This.

I lost my Dad when I was three, but I cannot, for the life of me, imagine wearing him as a diamond around my neck for the past 20 years. Nor do I think he would have preferred that.

I know my sister recently lost the center stone of her wedding ring at an Aggie Football game–can you imagine losing Nana between the bleachers?

Or worse, having to explain to a date that it’s your two dead cats you’re wearing in your ears? De-fucking-lightful.

I’m sure this is a great option for some people (coughParisHiltoncoughcough), but I can’t imagine not looking like a stalker with this.

2. Perpetual Pet AKA Frozen Friends:

Cisco: As he was in life.

I love my pets like children–they sleep in my bed, I carry them around like infants, and I spoil them rotten.

But when they die, they die. I do not wish to have a constant reminder of their passing awkwardly poised on my sidetable. With headphones. And sunglasses. Staring back at me with cold, dead eyes.

Do you vacuum it to clean it? Is there a dead pet polish?

I’m so confused.

3. Amazon recommends Sleepless in Seattle.

I hate this movie.

In checking Amazon’s “Gifts for the Grieving,” list–this little movie made an appearance. Because nothing will help heal the heart of your best friend who just lost her husband than a shitty love story featuring mother fucking Meg Ryan.

You might as well ring her doorbell, and then punch her right in the crotch. It has the same sentiment behind it.

4. Photo Playing Cards

A full house? Not anymore. Oh. I made myself sad...shit.

I’ve seen memorial photographs. Hell, I have one on my fireplace of my dad and I. But I’d rather not be reminded of a loved one’s passing while I’m playing a drinking game with some friends. Or drunkenly gambling away millions in a Rotary Club Sponsored Poker Tournament/Fun Run.

“YOU’RE ALL BASTARDS.”

“Ma’am, we’ll have to ask you to leave.”

“I’M TAKING MY CARDS WITH ME.”

“That’s fine ma’am, please pack up your things.”

“THIS IS MY TEDDY. OH GOD. HE’S GONE.”

“Ma’am, don’t make me call the Texas Rangers.”

Let me imagination get away with me there for a second.

If you love your family, please don’t buy them this shit.

 

Comment of The Day:

HoodyHoo

in a sick kind of way, I kinda want a Life Gem… just to screw with people.
“Oh, that’s a lovely necklace!”
“It was my Nana.”
“It was your Nana’s?”
“You’re not listening.”

elizabeth-flourish in progress December 8, 2010 at 7:56 pm

I’m…uh….this is….ummm…..just…..

Well, thanks for trying. This was a really lovely list from a gem of a girl. You’ve given me a lot of wonderful, thoughtful ideas for the holiday season.

Noa Gavin December 9, 2010 at 2:02 pm

Hey fucker, I’m mailing you a Frozen Friend. Merry Christmas, ho.

elizabeth-flourish in progress December 9, 2010 at 4:16 pm

oh lordy, i’m sorry. i didn’t mean it like that. please still be my friend. i love you. don’t forsake me.

i was trying to be funny, but it didn’t work out ’cause i’m not that funny. you can’t blame me ’cause i’m lacking, yo. sad face.

Noa Gavin December 9, 2010 at 4:38 pm

I was totally kidding.

But I’m sending you my dead horse riding a magic carpet.

Amanda December 8, 2010 at 10:28 pm

I’ve got to echo Elizabeth’s sentiment. Thanks for trying. Merry Christmas?

Noa Gavin December 9, 2010 at 2:01 pm

To you as well!

Robblogger December 8, 2010 at 11:38 pm

Absolutely brilliant

You’ve been nominated for an entirely questionable, but legitimate award, The Blogger of the Month Award. For details see, http://inspiredbycaffeinenicotine.blogspot.com/2010/12/blogger-of-month-award.html for more details, and you can encourage your viewers to vote.

Noa Gavin December 9, 2010 at 2:01 pm

I’m touched that my altogether inappropriate post has earned me a nomination.

hoodyhoo December 9, 2010 at 5:49 am

in a sick kind of way, I kinda want a Life Gem… just to screw with people.
“Oh, that’s a lovely necklace!”
“It was my Nana.”
“It was your Nana’s?”
“You’re not listening.”

Noa Gavin December 9, 2010 at 2:01 pm

Holy. Fucking. Awesome.

hoodyhoo December 10, 2010 at 7:18 am

Thank you, thank you verra much… Can this be my audition for the LoFB?

Noa Gavin December 10, 2010 at 11:47 am

Oh so much, yes.

Kernut the Blond December 9, 2010 at 10:56 am

I got so excited when I saw the ring (is it just me who can’t walk passed a jewelry store without stopping long enough to put my greasy hands and face prints on the window???). As much as I love the sparkle, I can’t imagine it being DEAD sparkle. Mine can come from that new planet made of diamonds, not Grandma.

@hoodyhoo LMAO!!

Noa Gavin December 9, 2010 at 2:00 pm

The beauty of the ring is tarnished when you realize it’s someone’s dead cousin, yeah?

sara December 5, 2011 at 3:15 am

I read this last year when you posted it. Mentioned lifegem to my then 9 year old and SHE thunks its a fab idea! ” then you”ll always be with me mommy” omg! Let’s hope she doesn’t get sick of waiting for her jewelry… which if you knew her, you would know that THIS child.. could totally pull off my demise.

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