Holidays are especially difficult when you’ve lost a loved one recently. Christmas time means family time, and it’s a painful reminder of what you’ve lost.
But thanks to me, you don’t have to be in pain forever.
1. LifeGem: Curing your grief with SPARKLE
What. The. Fuck. Is. This.
I lost my Dad when I was three, but I cannot, for the life of me, imagine wearing him as a diamond around my neck for the past 20 years. Nor do I think he would have preferred that.
I know my sister recently lost the center stone of her wedding ring at an Aggie Football game–can you imagine losing Nana between the bleachers?
Or worse, having to explain to a date that it’s your two dead cats you’re wearing in your ears? De-fucking-lightful.
I’m sure this is a great option for some people (coughParisHiltoncoughcough), but I can’t imagine not looking like a stalker with this.
2. Perpetual Pet AKA Frozen Friends:
I love my pets like children–they sleep in my bed, I carry them around like infants, and I spoil them rotten.
But when they die, they die. I do not wish to have a constant reminder of their passing awkwardly poised on my sidetable. With headphones. And sunglasses. Staring back at me with cold, dead eyes.
Do you vacuum it to clean it? Is there a dead pet polish?
I’m so confused.
3. Amazon recommends Sleepless in Seattle.
In checking Amazon’s “Gifts for the Grieving,” list–this little movie made an appearance. Because nothing will help heal the heart of your best friend who just lost her husband than a shitty love story featuring mother fucking Meg Ryan.
You might as well ring her doorbell, and then punch her right in the crotch. It has the same sentiment behind it.
I’ve seen memorial photographs. Hell, I have one on my fireplace of my dad and I. But I’d rather not be reminded of a loved one’s passing while I’m playing a drinking game with some friends. Or drunkenly gambling away millions in a Rotary Club Sponsored Poker Tournament/Fun Run.
“YOU’RE ALL BASTARDS.”
“Ma’am, we’ll have to ask you to leave.”
“I’M TAKING MY CARDS WITH ME.”
“That’s fine ma’am, please pack up your things.”
“THIS IS MY TEDDY. OH GOD. HE’S GONE.”
“Ma’am, don’t make me call the Texas Rangers.”
Let me imagination get away with me there for a second.
If you love your family, please don’t buy them this shit.
Comment of The Day:
in a sick kind of way, I kinda want a Life Gem… just to screw with people.
“Oh, that’s a lovely necklace!”
“It was my Nana.”
“It was your Nana’s?”
“You’re not listening.”