Welcome to the Noa Gavin Guide to Holiday Gifting. Have a difficult person to buy for? Low on funds but high on bitchery? I’ve got your back, ho. I’m not being paid or bribed with booze to write these posts–I just think these things are awesome.
It’s that time of the year again. The Christmas decorations are out way too early, it’s still 75 degrees in Dallas, and I have to send out cards to remind my family that I am still alive, and that I just have a terrible phobia of speaking to anyone on the phone.
Then, we wait eagerly for the haul of glittering Reindeer cardschlock.
Oh, are those your 8 kids? They’re all…lovely. How’s your vagina?
Hmm, glad to hear Aunt Bethany’s fungus is subsiding. Have some eggnog. Shitter’s full. (Name that movie.)
Or, send out a Christmas letter on lime green paper in all caps, shouting your accomplishments (“Noa’s not wearing Wranglers anymore!”) to relatives unknown.
I’m not that nice. I’m not that sentimental. What’s worse, people have come to expect a certain amount of, “What’s wrong with you?” from me, and I will not disappoint.
This year, I will be sending out cards from Bluntcard.com.
What better to send cheer to your Nana than a sassy card to brighten her day?
Or to let a friend know you’d love to attend her Holiday Gala?
And for your Jewish friends…
But what about your holiday invites? The Festivus Airing of Greivances? WHAT ABOUT MY NEEDS?
The Bureau of Communication has you covered. Need to let someone know that their actions at your ice cream social were unwelcome?
Or apologize for being “That Girl?”
You can even let people know the location of your booze filled fantasy land.
Now is the winter of your family’s discontent, and your year to be the star of the Christmas Card circuit.