Noa Gavin's Guide to Holiday Gifting: Greeting Cards

11/15/2010 · 10 comments

in I'm A Terrible Person, Social Services

Welcome to the Noa Gavin Guide to Holiday Gifting. Have a difficult person to buy for? Low on funds but high on bitchery? I’ve got your back, ho. I’m not being paid or bribed with booze to write these posts–I just think these things are awesome.

It’s that time of the year again. The Christmas decorations are out way too early, it’s still 75 degrees in Dallas, and I have to send out cards to remind my family that I am still alive, and that I just have a terrible phobia of speaking to anyone on the phone.

Then, we wait eagerly for the haul of glittering Reindeer cardschlock.

Oh, are those your 8 kids? They’re all…lovely. How’s your vagina?

Hmm, glad to hear Aunt Bethany’s fungus is subsiding. Have some eggnog. Shitter’s full. (Name that movie.)

Or, send out a Christmas letter on lime green paper in all caps, shouting your accomplishments (“Noa’s not wearing Wranglers anymore!”) to relatives unknown.

Fuck that.

I’m not that nice. I’m not that sentimental. What’s worse, people have come to expect a certain amount of, “What’s wrong with you?” from me, and I will not disappoint.

This year, I will be sending out cards from Bluntcard.com.

What better to send cheer to your Nana than a sassy card to brighten her day?

Or to let a friend know you’d love to attend her Holiday Gala?

And for your Jewish friends…

But what about your holiday invites? The Festivus Airing of Greivances? WHAT ABOUT MY NEEDS?

The Bureau of Communication has you covered. Need to let someone know that their actions at your ice cream social were unwelcome?

Or apologize for being “That Girl?”

You can even let people know the location of your booze filled fantasy land.

Now is the winter of your family’s discontent, and your year to be the star of the Christmas Card circuit.

You’re Welcome.

Coconuts November 15, 2010 at 5:47 pm

“chill out slut” is going to be my new catchphrase that I will say all the time & it will be rad! Thanks for sharing! Friends & fam of mine are so getting those cards. I’ll be sure to give you credit, Noa.

elizabeth-flourish in progress November 15, 2010 at 7:58 pm

So, uh, did you want me to email you my address because I haven’t gotten my official invitation yet. Lordy, you are just way, way behind, aren’t you? It’s like, November 15th already, bitch.

Noa Gavin November 15, 2010 at 10:28 pm

Coconuts: That was the first one Grace sent to me. Chill out, slut.
Liz: I guess I’m the one with no integrity now. Fuck it, ho. Just fuck it.

Amanda November 15, 2010 at 11:28 pm

Oh my god, girly, you are fucking hilarious! But I’m in Sherman and shivering with the 50 degree weather, though I agree that the Christmas decorations are out too early. I’ve got to step up my invites this year.

Noa Gavin November 16, 2010 at 9:33 pm

Amanda- Thank you! And I’m sure your invites will be much more fun.
Steamme- Gotta watch your thang, friend. Never know what it might be up to.

Steam Me Up, Kid November 16, 2010 at 4:41 pm

“Moving forward, I will attempt to not show you my thang.”

AHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!

Annie November 19, 2010 at 11:07 am

These are amazing

Noa Gavin November 21, 2010 at 12:13 pm

Certainly brightened up your Christmas, yeah?

shurikenboobs October 20, 2011 at 2:44 am

I laughed so hard at this that I almost choked on my sinus-spooge.

But, in all seriousness, if I were to build a treehouse, would you start stripping in it?

Noa October 23, 2011 at 10:44 pm

Absolutely. I have a considerable amount of experience.

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