There are people in the world that you don’t like. Don’t fucking lie to me–you don’t like them. Could be your in-laws, could be your Aunt, could be a co-worker, but any way you slice it, you’d rather harangue a macaque than see them.
Lucky you! They’re on your Christmas list!
You’ve already sent them a shitty card. But it’s time for something real. Something tangible.
Something that says without a doubt, “Go Fuck Yourself.”
1. Never Smile at a Monkey (Only $10.88!)
It’s long been known that an easy way to piss off friends with kids is to purchase them a noisy toy. That way, anytime they get a splitting headache from the endless appeals of a plastic Dora (“Can you say, Hombre? VERY GOOD.”) they know exactly how you feel about them.
These days, so many toys are noisy. For fuck’s sake, almost every toy my nieces own makes some kind of horrible noise.
Skip that noisy shit and go straight for the source–Psychological Warfare. Give their children nightmares, and they’ll never be able to repay you.
Never Smile at a Monkey is filled with such delightful prose as, “Never Harrass a Hippopotamus. They kill more people in Africa than any other wild animal,” and, “Never Jostle a Jellyfish. If you are unlucky enough to become entangled with a box jellyfish, you will die very quickly.”
2. Poopsenders.com (about $20-$35 dollars.)
(Picture not included here because that’s fucking gross.)
Nothing says, “Go Fuck Yourself,” like a gallon of anonymous Gorilla shit.
You can choose between cow, elephant, and gorilla, in any one of 2 convenient sizes.
That co-worker that’s a shithead? A gallon of elephant will do nicely.
Your shitty ex-boyfriend? Quart of cow, please.
3. John Wayne 3-D Cuckoo Clock ($200 motherfucking dollars.)
Found in SkyMall (who else would carry this?), this magical timepiece features The Duke twice over. Make sure to get the replacement plan for your recipient’s benefit–you’ll want to immediately replace it when someone mysteriously takes an axe to it.
It would be even better to not wrap this, and just weld it to the wall in the home or office of your Secret Santa, that way, they can enjoy True Grit anytime!
I just realized that the numbers are backwards. Really, SkyMall? Couldn’t take the time to press, “mirror image”? You’re charging me $200 for this, the picture better be presentable.
I just. I have no words for how perfectly strange this is.