Grace made a lasagna for Adrian’s birthday last week. A homemade lasagna. As in, bitch made the sauce and pretty much everything else that went in to it. It was delicious.
Grace can COOK, y’all.
I’m not half bad–I can bake a lot more than I can cook. But Grace, she can cook your ass under the table and then make you eat a meal on said table and be happy about it.
She was not always good. It was a slow, grueling process for her to be good. Luckily, I was there for ALL OF IT.
CookFuck 1: Salad
Lesson Learned: A fresh salad does not require any cooking. Of any sort. Learned after she boiled lettuce for a salad, which produced a smell only replicated by Lilith in the bowels of Hell.
CookFuck 2: Garlic Bread
Lesson Learned: Make sure when you are pressing buttons on the oven. The Broil button is usually located right next to the Clean button. The difference? About 700 degrees. The Clean cycle will temporarily render the oven a smelting plant, and lock the door. We watched that shit flame for an hour.
CookFuck 3: Gravy
Lesson Learned: White flour, pepper, and cooking grease does not a white gravy make. Or the plastic spoon repurposed from Olive Garden used to stir said consistency-of-wet-concrete gravy. By the time we turned the burner off, the gravy, the skillet, and the spoon had molecularly bonded.
CookFuck 4: Brownies
Lesson Learned: Brownies require cocoa. Duly noted.
CookFuck 5: Poached Eggs
Lesson Learned: Eggs nuked in water will not poach, but become chicken fetus shrapnel grenades when poked with a fork. It literally (and I don’t use that word lightly) exploded–coating her kitchen, living room, self, husband, and cats in a considerable amount of half-cooked egg. Burned her lip.
CookFuck 6: Cajun Chicken
Lesson Learned: Distribute spices sparingly in spicy dishes. 4 chicken breasts do not require an entire bottle of cayenne pepper. That was the hottest motherfucking chicken on the planet. Atomic chicken, if you will. It was as though the Fire Gods had brought a chicken from the depths of Mount Kilauea, sacrificing it for the torture of those who had wronged the volcano.
There was a lot of water drunk that night.
And now, to rag on me a while.
CookFuck 7: Egg-spiration dates (HAH!)
Lesson Learned: When making brownies in a beer pitcher, be aware of the speed of which an egg exits a shell. Old eggs=Slow eggs=salmonella.
Had to buy a cake for the Boss’ birthday today. I also needed bacos, ranch dressing, and drano, so I figured I would make one trip.
NOT A GOOD IDEA.
MMM, Bacon cake with ranch and a side of poison.