I Injure People With Excitement. EL DOS.

10/14/2010 · 2 comments

in Grace, I'm A Terrible Person, My Family Is Strikingly Odd.

Situation 2: Alien Experience at Walt Disney World

I LOVE scary movies, and sci-fi movies, and haunted houses and all kinds of those awesome things that are suspenseful and delightful and make your hair stand up on end.

What I don’t like is to be strapped down and force-fed terror from the mind of Old Man Disney.

I was only in the 8th grade or something like that when my Step-Dad, who’s known for great vacations, takes us to DISNEY WORLD.

This was the best trip we were ever going to take with him, ever. DISNEY WORLD, y’all! There’s MICKEY. And ROLLER COASTERS. And even…AEROSMITH.

 

I Rode 8 Times.

 

I’ll give them this, Disney does things RIGHT. The whole park, just as everyone who’s ever been has ever told you, is an experience. They’re all actors, so you truly feel like you’re riding in Aerosmith’s limo and dropping from the Tower of Terror and dancing with Cinderella.

This rule also applies to horrifying situations.

Like the Alien Encounter: Extra TERRORestrial

The premise is that they’re trying to transport something to Earth, but fuck it all up when they accidentally unleashed a WINGED HELL-BEAST INTO THE AUDITORIUM.

They bring you into a room and strap you to your chair roller-coaster style.

 

Exhibit One

 

So you think you’re going to be thrown around or something equally exhilirating.

Nope.

You’re strapped in so you can’t escape, motherfucker.

Here’s the part where it all gets a little too real for me. I believe what Disney is pitching. We really are going to watch a cool presentation. And then there is an alien.

And then he escapes.

AND HE IS RIGHT BEHIND ME BREATHING IN MY HEAR AND OHMYGOD HIS TAIL BRUSHED MY ARM DEAR GOD GRACE SAVE ME FROM THIS HELLSPAWN! JESUS, I’MMA COMMIN HOME!

I freaked balls, y’all. Lost my shit.

When my flight or fight response kicks in, the answer is ALWAYS fight. I clawed. I scratched. I was going to kill that motherfucker and get out with my family alive, so help me God.

I heard a lot of people screaming for their lives, and it took Grace slapping me to realize that I was the only one–Disney pipes in scream tracks to enhance the terror. I was screaming so terribly that it sounded like someone had lit an bunny orphanage aflame.

 

Miffy watched in horror upon the realization he was too late.

 

I was halfway out of my harness before Grace, laughing so hard she couldn’t speak, shoved me back in so I wouldn’t dislocate my hips.

Go ahead. Watch a video.

YouTube Preview Image

DO YOU ALSO HEAR PEOPLE LAUGHING? That’s because it was NOT REAL.

My brain never bothered to register that with me.

Grace and my Ma couldn’t stop laughing long enough to even unbuckle their harnesses at the end. People from across the room came over to make sure that I was okay, and not going to go ape-shit on some animatronic demon.

You should ask my sister one day. This is her favorite story to tell.

Grace October 15, 2010 at 8:02 pm

As truly funny as this post is, I think I am laughing doubly hard because I am reliving it all over again. I had a seriously shitty week, and I really needed this thanks. Just so you know, when I need a little mental “pick me up”, a little laughter in my life, this is my go to memory. You went ape shit, homie, ape shit. I’m pretty sure Disney thought those chairs would keep most people strapped in…then you arrived.

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