- Get Naked, Too: Fucking thanks, Cosmo.
- Taunt Him: HAHA, look at that dick! Are you fucking kidding me with that thing?
- Enlighten Him: According to theoretical physicist Michio Kaku, the universe may actually be held within a black hole. This denotes that at any given moment, one could pass through a black hole (if we were able to combat spaghettification, of course) you would end up perhaps not in another dimension, but in a parallel universe. Tittytitty.
- Make Him Hot, Then Cold: You want me? You like how this feels? Yeah, you want more? SPLASH. Yeah, did that bucket of ice water on your crotch make you HOT?
- Seduce Him: No, absolutely not. Let him stand awkwardly looking for somewhere to put his hands while waiting for you to act.
Fuck you, Cosmo. You’re terrible.
NOA GAVIN PRESENTS:
15 AWESOME THINGS TO DO WITH A NAKED MAN
1. Enter a Paintball Tournament: Nothing says I want you like a point-blank shot to the dick.
2. Street Luge: The thrill of maybe ending up with road-rash in unimaginably painful places is titillating. Titties.
3. Yoga: No better time to evaluate sexual performance than sitting behind a man doing downward dog. Uph–just gagged.
4. Interpretive Dance: Show me your best interpretation of Lionel Richie, and I’ll show you a man worth doing.
5. Glamour Shots: Side shot, coy smile, hand on collar, dick in sequins.
6. Snow Shoeing: It’s exhilirating to traverse the frozen landscape first thing in the morning. Especially with the impending threat of dicksicling.
7. Riverdance: I’ll leave you to your thoughts on this one. You’re welcome.
8. Visit a State Fair: You know that ride where you climb into a cage and spin really really fast and the floor drops out and your cheeks warp and boobs invert with G-Force? Go on that one with a naked man.
9. Fencing: Trying a new sport together will really strengthen your bond. Additional points for a crotch-whip.
10. Bee Keeping: You can use the honey later in sexy-time.
11. Feral Cat Wrangling: Cats are attracted to dangling things. He’d be a natural. We hope.
12. Bungee Jumping: Moving back to the subject of Physics, one could only imagine that at the point of full extension, one’s wang would be slightly delayed in the rebound, therefore elongating for a small period of time.
13. Japanese Log-Riding Competitions: Double entendre for the win.
14. Fire Hula: If you really loved me, you’d prove the theory of the burning bush.
15. Hurdles: Step-step-slap-FUCK!-step-step-slap-FUCK!-step-step-slap-FUCK!