Cosmo's At It Again, People.

10/25/2010 · 8 comments

in What Is Wrong With You?

“30 Things To Do With A Naked Man.”

Okay ladies, now Cosmo is just fucking with you. You just bought a magazine with SEX TIPS mentioned no fewer than 17 times on the cover. Are you really unfamiliar with the jobs of a nude man?
“OHMYGOD what do I do now? His, his…wang…is just–OUT THERE. What the hell is that? Is that a storage pouch? What does he keep in there?”

Cosmo says:
  • Get Naked, Too: Fucking thanks, Cosmo.
  • Taunt Him: HAHA, look at that dick! Are you fucking kidding me with that thing?
  • Enlighten Him: According to theoretical physicist Michio Kaku, the universe may actually be held within a black hole. This denotes that at any given moment, one could pass through a black hole (if we were able to combat spaghettification, of course) you would end up perhaps not in another dimension, but in a parallel universe. Tittytitty.
  • Make Him Hot, Then Cold: You want me? You like how this feels? Yeah, you want more? SPLASH. Yeah, did that bucket of ice water on your crotch make you HOT?
  • Seduce Him: No, absolutely not. Let him stand awkwardly looking for somewhere to put his hands while waiting for you to act.

But Naked. Drawing from Hyperbole And A Half. (click to visit)

Fuck you, Cosmo. You’re terrible.

NOA GAVIN PRESENTS:

15 AWESOME THINGS TO DO WITH A NAKED MAN

1. Enter a Paintball Tournament: Nothing says I want you like a point-blank shot to the dick.

2. Street Luge: The thrill of maybe ending up with road-rash in unimaginably painful places is titillating. Titties.

3. Yoga: No better time to evaluate sexual performance than sitting behind a man doing downward dog. Uph–just gagged.

4. Interpretive Dance: Show me your best interpretation of Lionel Richie, and I’ll show you a man worth doing.

5. Glamour Shots: Side shot, coy smile, hand on collar, dick in sequins.

Get It? A Sequined _ _ _ _. HAH!

6. Snow Shoeing: It’s exhilirating to traverse the frozen landscape first thing in the morning. Especially with the impending threat of dicksicling.

7. Riverdance: I’ll leave you to your thoughts on this one. You’re welcome.

8. Visit a State Fair: You know that ride where you climb into a cage and spin really really fast and the floor drops out and your cheeks warp and boobs invert with G-Force? Go on that one with a naked man.

9. Fencing: Trying a new sport together will really strengthen your bond. Additional points for a crotch-whip.

10. Bee Keeping: You can use the honey later in sexy-time.

NOT THE BEES.

11. Feral Cat Wrangling: Cats are attracted to dangling things. He’d be a natural. We hope.

12. Bungee Jumping: Moving back to the subject of Physics, one could only imagine that at the point of full extension, one’s wang would be slightly delayed in the rebound, therefore elongating for a small period of time.

13. Japanese Log-Riding Competitions: Double entendre for the win.

14. Fire Hula: If you really loved me, you’d prove the theory of the burning bush.

15. Hurdles: Step-step-slap-FUCK!-step-step-slap-FUCK!-step-step-slap-FUCK!

Crystal October 25, 2010 at 12:30 pm

I actually cried I was laughing so hard!! Best thing to read on a dreary Monday morning! thank you, thank you very much!

Noa Gavin October 25, 2010 at 12:37 pm

Yay! So glad I could brighten up your Monday. Let’s hope the mental images stay with you all day…

Marianne October 25, 2010 at 1:55 pm

That’s disturbing and funny. I will never practice yoga quite the same way again.

Noa Gavin October 25, 2010 at 2:01 pm

You’re totally welcome for that mental image. Try to to break out in a giggle-loop next time you’re in class!

elizabeth October 25, 2010 at 3:50 pm

Shit. It looks like I’m going to have to go find a lot of poor, unsuspecting fellas to try all of these out.

It’s kind of genius, though. I love it.

New to your blog. Look forward to more.

Noa Gavin October 25, 2010 at 3:54 pm

Your nearest Bass Pro Shops should do nicely. Let me know how it goes! So glad you found me.

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