September is Velociraptor Awareness Month. BE AWARE.

09/17/2010 · 4 comments

in Dead Animals, I'm A Terrible Person, What Is Wrong With You?

This is it. I’ve had it. I’m done with her shenanigans, I’m done sitting back and watching her casually take over the world.

Lady Gaga is a fucking velociraptor.

We can’t live with this kind of terror in our everyday lives. She’s out there, in her Buffalo-Bill People Clothes, doing her best to trick your asses into being eaten.

“The message of Gaga is one of loving yourself,” Says Gaga.

Of course it is, Gaga, because when the fans flock to your arena, you have them trapped and worked into a frenzy. DON’T LOVE YOURSELF. RUN.

I recently took my life into my own hands and did some field research at the GaGa Monster’s Ball, and for fuck’s sake, how did we not harpoon her before?

  1. People arrive to the Monster’s Ball in costume. A clear indoctrination tactic.
  2. Gaga says, “I don’t know if you heard, but I’ve got a pretty big dick,” at the start of her concert. This is a ploy to be funny about the rumors that she is a hermaphrodite after the up-skirt shot of her, depicting a bulge. That is not a penis. That is a tail.
  3. Gaga implores you to, “Put your paws up,” meaning your hands in a claw like fashion. Gaga thinks its funny that you believe you can defend yourself from her pre-historic jaws with this feeble gesture.
  4. All you gotta do is follow the glitter way!” Right into her lair. BEWARE.

People, she’s not even trying to hide her true nature anymore.

She’s wearing meat.

Gaga would like this dress to be made of people.

She exhibits the typical Velociraptor ‘stalking stance’ in almost all of her videos.

Lady Gaga will come out of that pool and kill you with a Poker Face on.

She exhibits all the signs of having poor camouflage techniques.

I'm on to you. I see past your "friendly open-hand gesture."

And she keeps getting more and more outrageous.

Gaga's next outfit.

The American Society for Velociraptor Attack Prevention states that, “Velociraptor attack is the 3rd leading cause of death for men age 27-29. However, everyone must think about the implications of velociraptors: young and old, men, women and transgendered persons.”

FOLKS. THAT IS LADY GAGA’S TARGET DEMOGRAPHIC.

Coincidence? I think not.

I'MMA BAD ROMANCE YOU.

Grace September 25, 2010 at 1:55 pm

I have no words for this, I am no longer on the fence, she is certainly a velocaraptor.

Norway August 11, 2011 at 1:03 am

I can’t believe I didn’t notice this before. I’ll go sharpen my pointy stick.

Noa August 11, 2011 at 1:06 pm

GET READY, MOTHERFUCKER.

Trish September 11, 2011 at 1:29 pm

My running theory is that Lady Gaga is, in fact, a Sparkleraptor.* Reincarnated as a human. And deep down inside, she misses her eye-searing plumage.

Also, I need to share this: http://fav.me/d2tun3f

* – One weird paleoart trend is the fact that everything alive in the Mesozoic Era was either shit brown, puke green, or yellowish puce — unless you happened to have feathers. Then you were way, way too far in the opposite direction. See here: http://fav.me/d2xuijl

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