Fucking Up Your Love Life (Part 2!)

09/06/2010 · 3 comments

in Fetish, I'm A Terrible Person, Love

Dear Cosmo:

I relish in your content for the Woman-About-Town. You really have your paper-sliced fingers on the pulse of the 20-something woman today. Sex, fashion, and fun–you have it all!

However, I feel like your how-to-meet-men columns could use some sprucing up. Your tips may have worked for a while, but today’s woman needs new tips and tricks! Men have caught on, and are less and less likely to slam a penis (and their wallets!) into any old whore.

I have included here some tips that have worked well for me! Hope they work for your readers.


1. Quote His Favorite Movie!

Every man likes movies, but more than that, every man loves porn. Anyone can start a conversation with quotes from The Hangover, but you can really have his heart if you can recall his favorite porno.

Try these today!

“Do you think a football will fit?”

“I think you have a fatal case of…dickarousia.”

“Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”

And my favorite, “Turn over and brace yourself.”


2. Flirt Like A Kid Again!

Remember in 5th grade when Bobby Jones punched you in the tit and then you were his girlfriend? Bring back the good old days again, with a twist! Turn the tables next time at the bar, and as you order your drink, punch the nearest hottie right in the dick.

Does he flinch? He’s YOURS!


3. Give ‘Em The Old Razzle Dazzle

Spot a hottie on the morning commute? BAM! He never expected a face full of pepper and confetti (or his bride-to-be!)

Those are tears of joy, girl.


4. Be Up Front About It

No one likes a girl that likes to play games. Be as up front as possible.

“Hey there sexy. I’ve got the clap and $267,000 worth of debt. I’m on Team Edward, and think Twilight’s the greatest love story ever told. Oprah is my God, and my cats hear my thoughts.”

Guys love a gal who can be honest about who she really is.


5. Be His Crying Shoulder

Your local funeral parlor and cemetery is full of singles! He’s going to need a gal now that MeMaw is gone.

Black at a funeral is so last year; make sure to wear something bright and sexy so he knows you’re single and ready to mingle.


Girls today need all the help they can get–especially concerning the covert affairs of the heart!


Sincerely,

Noa Gavin, Man-Getting Extraordinaire.

Lana September 8, 2010 at 1:13 am

How about punch him in the crotch and knee him in the tailbone?

Noa Gavin September 8, 2010 at 5:29 am

That’s super-effective. I’m not sure you’re ready for that amount of wang, Lana. For goodness’ sake, you just birthed Hugh Jackman.

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