A Great Love and a Golden Girl.

09/25/2010

in What Is Wrong With You?

There is little in life that can make me happier than good Stand-Up Comedy. A good comedian is often scientific without letting you in on the secret.They go beyond the basic lead-pause-punchline into a complex series of sentences designed to draw you one way to stun you the next.

The segue, the lead, story, the hook, the punchline, the pause, and the Bea Arthur.

Never Saw Her Coming.

Bea Arthur is the best part.

Bea Arthur is only ever seen executed in really excellent comedy, after said comedian has told a truly amazing joke, paused for your laughter, and then…BEA ARTHUR! He just blew your mind with one little sentence that changes his whole story, just like Bea Arthur always changed the game in Golden Girls. Blanche was always a whore, Rose was always stupid, Sofia was always crotchety, but Bea Arthur (Dorothy)–you never knew what to expect.

Thank You For Being A Friend.

Maybe you find out the comedian was making out with his cousin all along, or that the goat he woke up next to is now his father’s widow. Who knows! It’s like the Pre-The-Village M. Night Shymalan of jokes–you don’t know what it’s going to be when it comes, but it’s mind-blowing every time. The comedy-gasm.

I live for the Bea Arthur.

But Bea lives to dance.

Now that I feel you have an accurate depiction of my love for truly good comedy, I want to tell you a story.

Friday Night it was a friend’s birthday, and he chose to spend time at a well-known comedy club in Dallas. It’s an awkward place filled with long tables, forcing you to sit with people you don’t know. I think it’s obvious I’m pretty terrible at social interaction, and typically say some really inappropriate things, so I was worried from the get-go. Let me draw you a picture of our table set up.

Fig. 1

Note the large booze disparity.

It was only after the Emcee and the Warm-Up that we figured out we’d been seated with…THE JOKE EXPLAINER.

Bea knows where this is going.

Comedian: “Man, what’s with these hipster bitches?  Those are some dirty bitches. I went out with this girl the other day that looked like the Salvation Army tried to donate her to the homeless.”

Here is where everyone laughs a little.

Whore 3: “HAHA. SHE WORE BAD CLOTHES, AND HE DIDN’T LIKE THEM.”

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Comedian: “So we go meet at Ikea for coffee and fucking Scattergories in one of Ikea’s Swedish Dioramas, because she just couldn’t fit enough of looking fucking stupid in her day, and Ikea is the master of packing big shit in little boxes.”

Everyone kind of giggles. Not the best joke.

Whore 3: “HAHA, ALL OF IKEA’S STUFF IS PACKED IN SMALL BOXES.”

Bea gonna choke a bitch.

Comedian: “So she scattegorizes some shit about Kafka, and all I’m thinking is, I’m gonna bang this girl who looks like an old lumberjack, just to tick off an extra square on HoBingo.”

Everyone in the audience realizes this is his hook–we’re about to find out the punchline, and we’re all excited.

Whore 3: “IT’S BECAUSE HIPSTERS WEAR PLAID SHIRTS.”

Bea's so excited.

Comedian: “So I get this bitch home, and she’s all, I want to live-blog your apartment. And I say, you can do a plaster cast of my ass and sell it to the Museum of Modern Art as long as I’m going to get something more out of tonight than 99 cent meatballs. I thought she was just messing around, but there she was, typing away while I’m thrusting. She even held a poll about what she should shout at the end to drive up her blog traffic.”

Not a great punchline, but it’s there.

Whore 3: “BECAUSE SHE WAS TOO BUSY TYPING TO BE INTO IT.”

Bitch, Please.

Comedian: “Please, girl, my YouTube video of the donkey-punch got a lot more hits than her ass will.”

THERE IT IS.

There’s the Bea! BAM!

Here I am.

And even though everyone is laughing, and everyone seems to follow…

Whore 3: “BECAUSE HE WAS USING SOCIAL MEDIA, TOO!”

Motherfucking Joke Explainers.

P.S.: Here’s another reason Bea Arthur is all things awesome, just in time for Raptor Awareness Month.

That's Bea Arthur taking down a Raptor.

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