Cosmo: Fucking Up Your Love Life (Part 1.)

08/23/2010 · 7 comments

in I'm A Terrible Person, Love


I. Adore. Cosmopolitan Magazine.

True Story.

Perhaps it’s the way that they appeal to everyone’s wholesome side with their WAYS TO PICK UP DUDES, or the simple style they keep with the look of the magazine, using HOW MANY BRIGHT COLORS AND HORRIBLE TYPOGRAPHY EXAMPLES CAN WE USE, or the way they use their investigative journalism skills to bring you 100 SEX TIPS THAT WE’VE USED SINCE ’66.

Peruse their website once a month. See if you can see what I see–THE SAME DAMN SHIT. It’s terrible advice, and for the life of me, I can’t find an adult woman who’s successful in life and love who reads that drivel.

But this one–this lovely little slideshow really does it for me. While I realize that there is a good market out there for people who really do want and need to know how to meet people, their advice is soundly…awful.

Admittedly, a couple of their ideas are not bad–complimenting a man on a piece of clothing, mistaking him for someone else, scoping his wingman for the assist, but out of 21, that’s 3. For fuck’s sake Cosmo. For fuck’s sake.

Let’s take a journey into the mind of Cosmo Girls everywhere, and learn, HOW TO MEET A MAN!

1. Join His Cheering Section

Hit a sports bar the next time a game is on. Wear a tee with the logo of the team you’re cheering for, and sit near a guy rooting for the same team. You can connect over your shared fandom.
The problem with this suggestion is that it is aimed at the “Cosmo Girl,” who, if I can judge readership based on their willingness to read articles titled “VAJAYJAY-SCAPING,” isn’t too aware of the sports world.
Imagined Scenario: Girl sits next to Hot-tay wearing Cowboys jersey. Hot-tay instantly locks eyes with her, smitten by her shared love of sports. They marry. Oh, he’s also rich.
Reality: Girl sits next to good-looking Cowboys fan. Fan notices her boobs, and that her boobs are covered with the Cowboys Star. Fan hopes that girl truly shares a love of football. They date, and a few months down the road, she reveals her hatred of sports of any kind, and tells him to “TURN THAT SHIT OFF AND PAY ATTENTION TO ME.” Fan is miserable, girl is miserable, and relationship is based on a lie.
2. Add Him to Your Photo Album
Ask a hot guy to take a photo while you’re out with friends. After he shoots, suggest he jump in. Look over the photos together, and get his e-mail address so you can send him the pictures.
That’s the weirdest shit I have ever heard. Ever.
Imagined Scenario: Hot-tay takes photo of you, and then takes a photo of his number on the sly. You look at the photos together, and it’s adorable. He laughs, you laugh. You get married, and he’s rich.
Reality: If he doesn’t steal your camera? First, your friends are going to be weirded out by the weird dude taking pictures with you (because your friend now has to take the picture). You’re trying to be cute and coy, but in reality, offering to send him the pictures of you (a stranger) and him (a stranger) comes off as–stalkery.
3. Invite Him to Escort You
Tell a cutie on the street you’re lost, and ask him how to get somewhere (in the direction he’s heading). Ask if he’d walk you there. Then before saying bye, suggest you thank him with a cup of joe.
Okay, you lying whore.
Imagined Scenario: “My goodness sir, I’m so lost! Can you escort me to Nordstroms?” You get married. He is rich.
Reality: He’ll figure out a ways down the road that you’re a compulsive liar, you lying whore.
4. Make Him Your Target
If you have outdoor plans with friends, take a Nerf football. When a cute guy walks by, throw it at him—just don’t peg him in the head. When he brings it over, ask him to join the game.
Again, I say, that the typical Cosmo Girl is not going to be packing heat with the Nerf football.
Imagined Scenario: He catches it effortlessly, and you giggle as you return the football to your bag. He comments on your throwing arm, and you catch dinner, get married, and OH HE’S RICH, TOO?
Reality: You peg a fucking stranger in the eye with the not-all-the-way-sanded-down seam on the Nerf, which is as sharp as a motherfucking katana sword. He sues you, and your friends will stop bringing you out with them, because  of your bad habit of PEGGING STRANGERS WITH BALLS.
5. Start a Convo Between Spin Cycles
The best thing about a cute guy in a Laundromat? He’s not going anywhere for a good hour. Pretend you’re out of detergent, and ask to borrow a cup. You’ll have a few spin cycles to chat…and find out if he’s a boxers man or a briefs man.
OH HAHA, BOXERS OR BRIEFS? Well, I don’t know, bitch.
Imagined Scenario: You have a romantic encounter a la Forty Days and Forty Nights.
Reality: Do you know how Adrian does laundry? He puts everything together in one cycle and puts some fabric softener in. No lie. So, not only do you look like you’re a forgetful bitch, but you’re stuck using his shithole detergent on your fine clothing. Way to go, whore.
6. Pay Attention to Detail
When it comes to meeting men, it helps to have something specific to talk about. The next time you see a hot dude on the weekend, look for a clue to his personality before starting a conversation. For example, if he’s wearing a NASCAR cap, approach him with “I noticed your hat. Are you into racing?” It’s an opener that seems natural, not contrived. Plus, he’ll feel comfortable around you because you’re talking about something he really gets.
FUCKING NASCAR? NASCAR?
The idea in this is not that it’s a bad idea, per se, it’s that they chose NASCAR. Ladies, If you’re hunting down a hottie at a NASCAR event, here’s a word to the wise–HOPE YOU LIKE PORK RINDS, HO. NASCAR men aren’t known for being those to attract the Cosmo crowd. They could have chosen Titleist (not Titties, spell-check), Jordan Airs, TapOut Shirts, fucking anything. But no. NASCAR.
7. Write Him an I.O.U.
Is it just us or are hot waiters the new men in uniform? Next time you’re out for dinner with your girls, smile and make eye contact with a cute server. When the bill arrives, leave your number on the tip line and write that you owe him a drink.
I was a waitress once upon a time, and you know what? IOU’s in a tip line are a bitch move.
Imagined Scenario: “Wow, this chick is into me, I’ll take her out. Lucky for her, I’ve got a trust fund, and I just serve on the side. I’M RICH.”
Reality: “THE WHORE AT 19 JUST LEFT ME HER NUMBER IN THE TIP LINE. MY GIRLFRIEND IS GOING TO FUCKING KILL ME BECAUSE I CAN’T PAY MY LIGHT BILL AGAIN.”
8. Volunteer Your Time
Studies show that performing altruistic acts can make you more sexually attractive—all the more reason to put on your do-gooder pants. Check out opportunities at volunteeringamerica.gov, and search your zip code to find a place to volunteer (and guy scope) near you. Once you’re there, strike up a convo with a guy by asking how he heard about the organization and if he’s been involved for very long.
Disclaimer: Please do go volunteer, volunteering is good.
I’m going to jump right in.
Imagined Scenario: “Oh, yeah, I volunteer all the time. I also rescue puppies, make millions, and I’m single!”
Reality: “I’m here on work release/court-ordered community service.”
9. Join His Team (Accompanied by picture of two dudes, shirtless, in khakis, touching while playing soccer).
At the beach or park with pals, find a spot near a group of guys playing soccer, Frisbee, or volleyball. After a few minutes, wander over and ask the hottest of the bunch if you can all join in.
Again, not so much on the bad idea side as bad presentation. Go click on the link, and look at this picture. Ladies, if you’re wanting to join in with that group of guys, you better be packing the biggest dick of them all, or bringing your Gay-Pack with you, because those are homosexuals. Unless you are also a homosexual man, you’re picking up the wrong crowd.

Imagined Scenario: Duel between teams to see who gets to date the hot chick. They are all rich.

Reality: Cosmo girl, you probably suck at sports. Joining anyone’s team is not a good plan for you, unless you’re prepared to be sidelined to jump around for the boob-jiggles. Also, THESE MEN PICTURED HERE ARE HOMOSEXUALS.

Disclaimer: There is nothing wrong with homosexuals, but I am highlighting the fact that chicks are probably not going to be able to pick them up.

I’m just sayin’, folks.

Stay tuned for Part 2: Noa’s WAYS TO MEET MEN!
emmysuh May 19, 2011 at 4:27 pm

Just saying, I volunteered at a food drive this weekend, and the only men there were NOT men I would like to date, considering one asked me if I had ever see canned marshmallows and the other read the name of every canned food item to me. EVERY SINGLE CAN. “Look! A daddy sized can of pork and beans and a baby sized can of pork and beans!”

Noa May 19, 2011 at 4:49 pm

Canned marshmallows? That could be like bottled, water, you know? How everyone thought it was dumb but then it was awesome? I’d like a share of the profits though.

Norway August 9, 2011 at 12:02 am

The spot where you typed “100 SEX TIPS”? My iPad offered to add that as a new contact. Hmmm…

Noa October 3, 2011 at 6:23 pm

Norway–don’t. Don’t do it.

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